Liz Alterman's Blog, page 4

Beginnings & Endings

I’ve started this blog entry at least three times between late April and today and never quite had the will to finish it. As my husband said when he called to tell me about his first layoff back in 2013, “I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
Good news first: I accepted a full-time job and started on my 50th birthday in mid-April. Because I like to think of this blog as a transparent look at the hiring process, I’ll share a bit about how it all came to be.
I was contacted by a hiring manager at the company via LinkedIn in late February. At the time, I’d grown weary of people who reached out only to disappear as well as those who put me through the wringer with 90-minute interviews that left me wanting to shout, "I've been in long-term relationships with people who know less about me!” Then there was the place that wanted me to write a 4,000-word test article complete with an interactive map of the U.S. (No, thank you!) 
So, initially, I was reluctant to respond to this message. My husband had started a new job in December and while it was a step in the right direction, it didn't offer benefits for the entire family, and because it's a relatively new venture, the salary wasn’t what we’d hoped for either. But in the midst of a pandemic it seemed best to accept anything that came his way. 
In the months since he started, each time he's drifted down from our shared desk in our attic and sighed, my knees have gone weak as I expected him to tell me this job had come to an end. 

With all that in mind, curiosity got the better of me and I responded to the inquiry. Still, I was hesitant to move forward without knowing if this was a paid position or something they'd spin as a "resumé builder" or a quirky "experiment" that paid you in cans of Fancy Feast and locks of the CEO's hair.

In a bold move, I told her I needed to know the salary range so I didn’t waste her time or mine. While she couldn't share that, she said I could tell her what I’d like to make and she’d let me know if that was feasible. Fair enough. I picked what I’ve earned during a peak freelancing year. When she said they could beat that, I was in. 

The first step, however, was to take a logic test—say what? She explained that it would be a timed test conducted online while someone from their organization watched me over video. (As I jokingly said to family, "Let's hope the person on the other side of that screen enjoys hearing the 'F' word!") 

The test involved looking for patterns in a series and selecting the one that would come next out of an array that, to my untrained eyes, all looked identical. I was still scratching my head at that point because, really, ask me to write a sonnet that incorporates the Beatles, the Berenstain Bears, and Ted Bundy, and I'm your gal. Ask me to choose a subsequent shape in a series of dots inside stars surrounding hexagons and I hyperventilate. 

If only the test could've involved Ms. Pac-Man I'd have been far more confident. I got a tabletop version for my kids for Christmas and somehow it's ended up in our dining room (if that doesn’t signal pandemic-related giving up, I don't know what does). For a while, I played almost nightly as a stress-reliever and a way to distract myself from having second helpings of dessert. 

Though I wasn't too sure how I'd fare on this test, I said to myself: "What do you have to lose other than 15 minutes and a little more self-respect?"

After the hiring manager sent a practice test, which I failed spectacularly (4 out of 10—woohoo! Feeling logical? Give this practice quiz a whirl at this site), I spent the next day falling down a rabbit hole of YouTube videos designed to help you nail this sucker. Many begin with this pop-up:

Cool! No pressure, right?

Following hours of more practice tests, a voice I'd buried during my high school SAT days came whispering back, "Just click ‘c'!" it urged.

I tried my best and still failed. But! It turned out the test was merely a formality, and I moved on to the next rounds anyway. I'm guessing because my position in corporate communications wouldn’t require the same level of "logic" as say, coding?

After three mercifully brief video interviews, I received an offer so generous it felt like a proverbial middle finger to everyone who’d ever snarfed at me and said, “What are you gonna do with that English degree?” I’d been waiting my entire life for an opportunity like this. Pretty much right up until the day my fancy company iPhone and new laptop arrived, I was fairly certain I was being catfished. 

But it was real and everyone was lovely and welcoming and eager to help me acclimate ... and now for the bad news…

Two weeks into the job, my dad went to the emergency room complaining of chest pains. He'd had a heart attack twenty years ago and thought he was on the verge of another. Though he didn’t have COVID, he was struggling with COPD and other issues from nearly a lifetime of habits that don't go hand-in-hand with good health. 

At first, we weren't too worried. He’d had other close calls. He'd gone into the hospital before and he'd always come home—our very own cat with nine lives. When he got behind the wheel of his giant Mercury Marauder, he floored it, barreling through backstreets and flying down highways like a stunt driver on a meth binge. Yet he hadn’t had a fender bender or received a ticket in decades. Even though he’d turned 79 in January, to our family, he seemed invincible.

I won't get into the abysmal care he received that rollercoaster week that would be his last, but because of the hospital's policy, only my mother was able to see him until the night before he passed when I said a surreal good-bye. And, as so many people can relate, especially these days, we've found ourselves shocked and reeling. 

I took a week off and my boss couldn't have been kinder. Still, it's a strange feeling to be new to a company and trying to get your footing only to find yourself suddenly grieving and completely disoriented. Despite the fatigue that felt like a weighted blanket, I couldn’t crawl out from beneath, I debated going back to work a day early. I didn't want to seem like I was taking advantage of my new employer. Plus, hard work had defined my father's life and it was ingrained in me, too.

I've been working on a memoir based on this blog (more on that soon) and I've had the pleasure of being paired with an editor whose wisdom has been invaluable. Like a literary Edward Scissorhands, she's trimmed and shaped at the same time she's made me dig deeper into why I carried such a sense of guilt and shame when I lost my job in 2014.

I've realized it had lot had to do with my dad who’d worked tirelessly to provide my mother, brothers, and me with a nice life. He'd lost his dad when he was just two and worked multiple jobs to put himself through college. He was the OG DIY-er—performing plumbing and electrical work at his own peril. When he set his mind to something, he accomplished it. 

In working my way through these memoir edits, I tapped into the profound respect I had for all he’d achieved and all he'd given us. His life story was one I'd heard a million times, yet only as an adult could I appreciate it. 

In the days since he's been gone, I've found myself wondering: had I ever really thanked him for all he'd done? Had I told him how much I admired him? I'd thought about it sometimes before we hung up the phone. But he wasn't a sentimental guy, and I guess I always thought we’d have more time. Actually, I thought I could hand him the memoir—especially now that he’s a central character—and he could read the words I'd always struggled to say. 

At the risk of sounding preachy, if you've wanted to tell someone in your life what they've meant to you, don't wait. 

As always, thanks for reading, and I hope you are well. 

-------------------------

And now for some housekeeping—Feedburner, which sends out this newsletter, tells me they're shutting down operations. If you'd like to continue receiving this blog, follow this link: https://follow.it/ontheballsofourassets?action=followPub.
Thank you!

New Blog Tour for "He'll Be Waiting"

I'm excited to partner with InkSlingers for a next
blog tour for my YA Thriller, He’ll Be Waiting May 17 through 23.

Sign up below!

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FA...

Thank you!
Liz Alterman

He'll Be Waiting Blog Tour

Goddess Fish Promotions is organizing a Virtual Book Blast Tour for He'll Be Waiting, a YA Thriller available April 6, 2021 from Between the Lines/Liminal Press. The Book Blast Tour will take place April 5 - 9, 2021.
He’ll Be Waiting

Check back for updates!

A Long Overdue Italy Update & a Book Giveaway

Remember when I attended that writing conference in Italy in 2018? (I know, I barely do either. Sometimes I think about Paul Simon's "America" and hum, "Recanati seems like a dream to me now..." Not quite the same ring as Michigan, but the same sentiment. You get it.) 

I've never recapped that trip, probably because it still feels wildly self-indulgent—going alone, drinking amazing wine, talking about books for a week. 

But I have an exciting update that's a direct result of attending so I wanted to share. 

I started out in Rome, wandering through piazzas, admiring breathtaking architecture at every turn, getting lost despite having a map, courtesy of my hop-on, hop-off bus tour, sampling eggplant Parmesan ...
... nursing my minimal jet-lag with coffee and tiramisu....
The following day, my fellow attendees and I met and divided into small groups for the drive from Rome to Recanti. I rode with two poets who already knew one another. One had published a memoir and the other was performing at The Edinburgh Festival Fringe. 
They could not have been more interesting and inclusive, often pausing the conversation to offer me sidebars about the poets they were discussing so I wouldn't feel left out.
Despite their kindness, by the time we arrived in the small village where we'd stay and workshop our pieces for the next five days, I'd traveled beyond Imposter Syndrome and landed at Full-Blown Fraud. 
I hadn't felt that out of place since my mom signed me up for a co-ed basketball camp in 1985. I spent much of that loathsome week hiding under bleachers with my hands in my pockets. I'd rather have licked the bottom of a high-top than attempt a lay-up in front of 40 of my peers.
Anyway... I waited in line to check in to a hotel 4,300 miles from home,  experiencing that same "I gotta get out of here" panic, when a stunning young woman crossed the lobby and introduced herself. 
When I told her my name, she said, "You wrote the YA thriller!" 
I nodded and waited. Would she burst out laughing and say that those first 50 pages I shared were the most confusing thing she'd read since she'd skimmed the instructions that accompanied IKEA's BJÖRKSNÄS nightstand? 
Instead, she gushed, "I need to know what happens next!" 
Her words and her warm smile reminded why I was there. I wanted to know what happened next too.
During the week, we discussed each other's writing and learned more about craft. We took a side trip to Sirolo, and no offense to the Jersey Shore, but wow! Cappuccino by the sea in Sirolo.
I received a lot of feedback that helped me shift the opening and conceptualize the rest of the story I wanted to write. I began reworking it on the flight home. (And let me tell you, it took all my willpower not to ask the teen girl next to me if she'd read a bit and be brutally honest, as in, "Am I wasting my time here, kid?")
In the interest of brevity, I'll fast forward through the maddening self-doubt and the copious rejections and get to the good part: I received an offer from a publisher and signed a contract in the fall and that book, He'll Be Waiting, which seems so long in the making, will be released April 6. 
I've been toying around with Goodreads and created a Giveaway (in case you're inclined). 
.goodreadsGiveawayWidget { color: #555; font-family: georgia, serif; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; background: white; } .goodreadsGiveawayWidget p { margin: 0 0 .5em !important; padding: 0; } .goodreadsGiveawayWidgetEnterLink { display: inline-block; color: #181818; background-color: #F6F6EE; border: 1px solid #9D8A78; border-radius: 3px; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; outline: none; font-size: 13px; padding: 8px 12px; } .goodreadsGiveawayWidgetEnterLink:hover { color: #181818; background-color: #F7F2ED; border: 1px solid #AFAFAF; text-decoration: none; } Goodreads Book Giveaway He’ll Be Waiting by Liz Alterman

Giveaway ends April 02, 2021.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway I'm excited to see where this next adventure takes me (until the 1-star reviews start trickling in...).
When I started this blog, my husband and I had lost our jobs and it seemed like doors were closing all around us. 

I'd like to believe they're starting to open again, and I hope they are for you as well.  

(It's hard to take a bad pic in Italy, and yet these do seem to be crooked, don't they?)
Ciao!
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A New Job for Me? A New Job for You!

Photo by Ian Taylor on Unsplash
Lately, there's been a lot of talk about "The Great Rehire" as companies ramp up following last year's mass layoffs. 

Initially, I was skeptical, but then I heard from two recruiters in the same week. One had a great opportunity that I wasn't really qualified to pursue, so she said she'd be in touch if she found anything better suited to my skill set. 

The other had an opening for a copywriter position at a young but rapidly-growing fintech firm. Though I've been fortunate to have plenty of freelance work to keep me busy, it's always exciting to consider the possibility of a corporate gig with paid time-off and benefits. (I still have no dental or vision coverage... hence this rather large font.)

The HR rep and I had a great conversation, and after three subsequent 45-minute interviews with various executives, I found out this past week that I'm still in the running. (I joke that I've been in long-term relationships with people who know less about me.) 

While I'd be thrilled to advance to the next round, if I don't make it, I'm glad to have had this chance to hone my interviewing skills and a legit reason to shower, put on makeup, and hide out from my family for those video calls. Stay tuned for an update!

Now about that potential job for you...

In the past few months, several people have reached out to me to ask if I knew of anyone hiring in the IT space. (I suppose when you've experienced as many layoffs as we have, people assume you're always looking. They're not wrong!) I referred them to a corporate recruiter who was eager to help.

This week, I was contacted by a sourcing specialist with Telus International | Lionbridge AI who asked what I charge to post a job opening on this blog. Imagine?! I told her that wasn't necessary as I'd be happy to include it. (Maybe it'll generate some good employment karma.) 
While this gig is definitely outside my wheelhouse, as my brother likes to say, I hope it may be right for someone out there reading this. 
When asked about the hiring process, Rebecca, the sourcing specialist, said it's "quite fast, so they could be working within two weeks if they pass all our recruitment checks." 
When asked about compensation, she said more information would be given at the time an offer is made.

Part time, Independent Contractor, Work from Home Opportunity

The Position

Are you looking for a position that gives you the opportunity to work with one of America’s top 100 most trusted Companies while also increasing your income from the comfort of your home? Then why not join Lionbridge as a part-time Independent Contractor. We are currently recruiting for the position of Online Map Quality Analysts in the United States.

The position will allow you to work from home on a flexible schedule of up to 20 hours per week completing tasks in a web-based evaluation tool. The tasks will involve determining the relevance and accuracy of information by performing online research and referring to guidelines provided to you. The tasks will mainly be map related but it is possible there will be non-map related tasks you are required to work on from time to time. Candidates for this position will need to have good research skills and a strong understanding of local and national information. Cultural, geographical, social media and current affairs knowledge are important in this position.

The Requirements

Fluency in English is essentialYou must be living in the United States for the last 3 consecutive yearsWorking knowledge of local and national geographical areasPassing an online evaluation to demonstrate capability of reading and applying the guidelinesExperience/know-how of using online maps, search engines and website researchYou must have familiarity with current and historical business, media, sport, news, socialmedia and cultural affairs in the United StatesAccess to and use of a broadband internet connection and associated computer and software toPerform the work, all provided at your own expense

The Position Will Involve

Reading and applying written guidelines on how to evaluate and rate the tasks

Please note it is possible you will receive guidelines for multiple task types over the course of the program

Research using online tools to determine the relevance and accuracy of the task information

Applying local knowledge to evaluate relevance of the task information in your market

Completing tasks in the web-based evaluation tool

Hours for this position are up to 20 hours per week depending on task availability

This is a freelance, independent contractor position.

Think you're interested? Here's the link and best of luck!

Subscribe to On the Balls of Our A$$ets

A New Job for Me? A New Job for You!

Photo by Ian Taylor on Unsplash
Lately, there's been a lot of talk about "The Great Rehire" as companies ramp up following last year's mass layoffs. 

Initially, I was skeptical, but then I heard from two recruiters in the same week. One had a great opportunity that I wasn't really qualified to pursue, so she said she'd be in touch if she found anything better suited to my skill set. 

The other had an opening for a copywriter position at a young but rapidly-growing fintech firm. Though I've been fortunate to have plenty of freelance work to keep me busy, it's always exciting to consider the possibility of a corporate gig with paid time-off and benefits. (I still have no dental or vision coverage... hence this rather large font.)

The HR rep and I had a great conversation, and after three subsequent 45-minute interviews with various executives, I found out this past week that I'm still in the running. (I joke that I've been in long-term relationships with people who know less about me.) 

While I'd be thrilled to advance to the next round, if I don't make it, I'm glad to have had this chance to hone my interviewing skills and a legit reason to shower, put on makeup, and hide out from my family for those video calls. Stay tuned for an update!

Now about that potential job for you...

In the past few months, several people have reached out to me to ask if I knew of anyone hiring in the IT space. (I suppose when you've experienced as many layoffs as we have, people assume you're always looking. They're not wrong!) I referred them to a corporate recruiter who was eager to help.

This week, I was contacted by a sourcing specialist with Telus International | Lionbridge AI who asked what I charge to post a job opening on this blog. Imagine?! I told her that wasn't necessary as I'd be happy to include it. (Maybe it'll generate some good employment karma.) 
While this gig is definitely outside my wheelhouse, as my brother likes to say, I hope it may be right for someone out there reading this. 
When asked about the hiring process, Rebecca, the sourcing specialist, said it's "quite fast, so they could be working within two weeks if they pass all our recruitment checks." 
When asked about compensation, she said more information would be given at the time an offer is made.

Part time, Independent Contractor, Work from Home Opportunity

The Position

Are you looking for a position that gives you the opportunity to work with one of America’s top 100 most trusted Companies while also increasing your income from the comfort of your home? Then why not join Lionbridge as a part-time Independent Contractor. We are currently recruiting for the position of Online Map Quality Analysts in the United States.

The position will allow you to work from home on a flexible schedule of up to 20 hours per week completing tasks in a web-based evaluation tool. The tasks will involve determining the relevance and accuracy of information by performing online research and referring to guidelines provided to you. The tasks will mainly be map related but it is possible there will be non-map related tasks you are required to work on from time to time. Candidates for this position will need to have good research skills and a strong understanding of local and national information. Cultural, geographical, social media and current affairs knowledge are important in this position.

The Requirements

Fluency in English is essentialYou must be living in the United States for the last 3 consecutive yearsWorking knowledge of local and national geographical areasPassing an online evaluation to demonstrate capability of reading and applying the guidelinesExperience/know-how of using online maps, search engines and website researchYou must have familiarity with current and historical business, media, sport, news, socialmedia and cultural affairs in the United StatesAccess to and use of a broadband internet connection and associated computer and software toPerform the work, all provided at your own expense

The Position Will Involve

Reading and applying written guidelines on how to evaluate and rate the tasks

Please note it is possible you will receive guidelines for multiple task types over the course of the program

Research using online tools to determine the relevance and accuracy of the task information

Applying local knowledge to evaluate relevance of the task information in your market

Completing tasks in the web-based evaluation tool

Hours for this position are up to 20 hours per week depending on task availability

This is a freelance, independent contractor position.

Think you're interested? Here's the link and best of luck!

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A Holiday Miracle (& Some Thoughts on Test Assignments)

 

Photo by Zuza Gałczyńska on Unsplash
In what can only be described as a holiday miracle, my husband got a job. He started last Monday, and while it's significantly cut into his napping schedule, so far, so good. 
During his seven-month search, we once again benefited from thoughtful friends who regularly checked in and offered to put him in touch with connections who were hiring, which is ultimately how he landed this role. 
I joked with one of my freelance colleagues, who also sent generously took the time to send links to openings he spotted while skimming Facebook, "Let's hope he can ride this out until retirement!" (Cue the maniacal laughter: Who am I kidding? After all of our layoffs, we will be working until we draw our last breaths.) 
While I'm thrilled he found something, getting to this point was no easy feat. He had multiple phone and video interviews, which included the always-odd, "What's your personal theme song?" 
When he told me, I was certain he was joking. How!? How is this relevant? What does your choosing a dirge by, say, Morrissey versus a rap by Flavor Flav tell the hiring manager about your ability to compile a compelling and cohesive newsletter?
I'll never understand it. 
What was his answer, you ask? The same one he wanted to use six-plus years ago! A Johnny Cash song—not an upbeat one like "Get Rhythm" or "Ring of Fire." Nope.
Once again, he decided to go with "The Man in Black," which, as I told him in 2014, feels more suited to someone applying for social work or prison warden positions. 
He told me after the fact, of course, so picture my head exploding as I wondered if we'd be eating cat food for Christmas dinner.

Following those interviews, he was given a writing and editing test. He felt those went well, and I thought, "Okay, maybe this is it?" 
Not so fast! There were still more hurdles to clear! He needed to actually spend two days doing part of the job. 
Now I'm all for gaining experience, and this did seem like a way for him to test them out too. Yet at the same time, it irked me. When I complained to my mother, she reminded me of the days she was applying for full-time work after my father was downsized. 
"The questions they asked me! The nerve!" she laughed. "I wanted to say to them, 'I think you're confused. I'm here for the administrative assistant position; I'm not applying for the CEO's job.'"
It also got under my skin because after I wrote about dropping out of an interview process, several readers reached out to share their recent experiences. They, too, felt as if they were being taken advantage of by being asked to do an unreasonable amount of work with little to no compensation in order to remain in the running for a job.
It got me thinking: How much time and energy is appropriate to devote to a sample assignment? In the current climate—especially if you're between jobs—it can seem as if your hands are tied. It can also make you wonder if employers, sensing the desperation of candidates, aren't using this as an opportunity to get something for nothing.
I decided to ask Stacey Berk, managing consultant at Expanding HR, who's been a wonderful resource for me, what's a reasonable amount of time employers can expect candidates to devote to an assessment? 
"During the interview process, candidates might be asked to complete either a formal (originated or purchased from an outside company, which has been validated; such as a job simulation, sales, custom culture test, coding or software, an administrative/typing, and cognitive or personality indicator tests) or informal assessment (internal to the company, unvalidated; common examples include an essay, a mock case study or experiment, a sample press release, etc.)," she explained.  "In the current environment, candidates can expect to complete the formal ones within a 1-2 hour window. Some are video assisted and timed. Informal assessments might be overnight or two days, the employer usually has some flexibility."
Test assignments aren't all bad in that they give you a sense of what you'd likely encounter should you get the job. 
If you're comfortable with the work, great. If not, better to know now rather than find yourself in the position, miserable, and longing for a return to unemployment (and the days when you were wondering just how many cans of cat food will satisfy a family of five). 
But the take-home test shouldn't be so time-consuming that it makes you feel as if you're already doing the job for free, which led to my next question: When is it fair to request/expect payment for a trial assignment? 
"Companies should pay for all fees associated with formal assessments, usually purchased in advance and web based," she said. "On other occasions, if the assignment is part of an accepted industry norm, it's important for the job seeker to understand any obligations ahead of time, and I strongly encouraged candidates to ask the recruiter or hiring manager."
Stacey added that generally, if the organization is not paying for the assessments, that is a potential red flag, as these assessments are for the company to help filter out unqualified candidates. 
It's perfectly acceptable to say something like, "Due to time constraints and other commitments, I can't accept unpaid assignments at the moment. I can, however, send you samples of my work which closely align with the test assessment."
This may inspire the employer to offer payment or a shorter assignment. They might accept your work sample, which saves you time and effort. Or, they may tell you they're moving ahead with other candidates, which   can make you wonder just how interested they were in the first place.
When it comes to test assignments, weigh the pros and cons, and try—even in these difficult times—to remember your worth. 
Thanks for reading and hope you are well.

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Baby's First Ghosting

  Photo by Tandem X Visuals on Unsplash

In the spirit of Halloween, I'd like to share the story of a man who vanished. He disappeared Labor Day weekend and still hasn’t been found. 

It’s really my son’s tale to tell, so I asked his permission to share it here, and he said, “Sure, go ahead. I don’t think anybody reads your blog, right?” (Thanks, honey!)

Anyway, here’s how it began: 

My son, 18, was supposed to start college this fall but opted to take a gap year, recognizing that the on-campus experience would be vastly different from the one he'd imagined. 

Like many of us during the pandemic, he’d fallen into bad patterns—indulging in excessive screen time, cooking frozen pizzas at midnight (occasionally neglecting to turn off the oven), and sleeping ’til noon.

I let things slide for a bit—allowing him to enjoy some post-graduation downtime. But after weeks of me standing in his doorway at 11 a.m. bellowing, “Get out of bed!!” so he could do a mere 90 minutes of Door Dash-ing, he got a job as a carpenter’s helper. 

Suddenly, he was putting in 12-hour days. Selfishly, I was thrilled with his new career. He was learning a trade and, more importantly, he was exhausted by 9 p.m., which meant no more sitting on the couch watching Impractical Joker marathons at ear-splitting volumes while eating eight bowls of cereal in rapid succession. 

He was out of the house before sunrise some mornings. I couldn't have been more pleased—even as he adopted a new habit of walking through our home, pointing out places our molding had cracked or our paint jobs were sub-par, doing an imitation of his boss’s nasally whine, “You think that looks good? I wouldn’t pay a penny for that!”

And he was getting paid weekly—-in cash! (If you listen closely, you can hear my accountant brother slapping his forehead and screaming, “Don’t put something like that in writing!” Surely, my son would tell him IRS agents aren’t reading my blog either.)

Things had been going well for six, maybe seven, weeks right up until the Friday of Labor Day weekend. His boss paid him in full that evening and said, “I’ll text you Sunday night and let you know if we’re working Monday.”

When no text came on Sunday night, my son figured they weren’t working due to the holiday. Still, he reached out just to be sure. He didn’t hear back. He waited until the following evening before he texted again asking where and when he should show up Tuesday morning. Crickets.

Tuesday came and went. No text, no call. My son left a few voicemails.

“He must've lost his phone,” said my boy, confused, but happy to sleep in and try to boost his Rocket League ranking. “He always texts back right away.”

The week stretched on without word. My son texted a co-worker and asked him to have the boss get in touch. It didn’t help.

“Did you break anything? Did something go wrong at one of the sites? Did your boss hear you doing that imitation of him??? You can tell me!!” I pleaded, curiosity getting the better of me.

“No,” my son said, “He even thanked me for working late on Friday. I really think he just lost his phone.”

“But it’s still ringing, right? It would be dead by now—unless the person who found it is charging it for him.” I did my best to keep my eye-rolling to a minimum. “Also, he needs it for work. He would’ve replaced it immediately, don't you think?”

“No.” My son shook his head. 

Looking at him in total denial, I was catapulted back in time. He was three years old again, insisting that the people in the Red Lobster commercials couldn’t possibly be eating the crustaceans he loved visiting at our local supermarket. 

“Honey, he's ghosting you,” I told him. 

“What? No!”

“It's been a week, you need to move on—find another job.”

He looked shaken, as did my middle son, who’d just started a part-time gig as a grocery store cashier. 

“Wait, he lost his job too?” he asked, as if our family lives under a black cloud filled with pink slips. 

I saw the wheels turning behind his blue eyes and knew what he was wondering: Like good bones or bad teeth, is unemployment a genetic predisposition? In our family, it feels like a definite possibility.

I was recently ghosted by a recruiter who reached out about a writing position. After a few emails, we set up a time to talk. Maybe she sensed that I was losing enthusiasm when she hit me with this statement: “It’s 40 hours a week, but no benefits. It’s, like, a contract position. But I’m sure there’ll be opportunities for full-time work down the road.” 

Then, I tried not to sigh audibly when she told me the company was determined to be “the next Buzzfeed meets Nerd Wallet.” (If I had a nickel for every time I heard that Buzzfeed bit, I could buy Nerd Wallet.)

I didn’t say anything like, “Speak up, dearie!” “Make it snappy! ‘Judge Judy’s starting soon!” or “Give me one minute to put my teeth back in!” yet she went out of her way to state that I’d be writing for a “millennial audience” at least a half-dozen times. 

Maybe I sound old and tired, which would be reasonable—because I am. Anyway, she told me she’d be in touch shortly with an email listing what she’d need from me—resume, writing samples, etc.—to move forward. 

I never heard from her again. 

Though I knew that, just like my son, I was being ghosted, when you’re in the middle of a pandemic, there’s a moment in which you  imagine that your ghost-er has fallen ill. 

Irritation at being willfully ignored turns to compassion as you envision them reaching for their phones, wanting to contact you even as they’re getting wheeled away to be intubated.  

Of course, that’s most likely not the case. Rather, these people lack the courtesy or professionalism to simply state,“This isn’t working out. Best of luck,” as we wish they might. 

It might be hard to hear, but at least it would save us time wasted checking our phones, wondering what went wrong.

Fortunately, my son starts a new gig Monday with a carpenter who seems to run a more well-established company. Fingers crossed!

And, despite what he would tell you, I’ve heard from two lovely, new readers in the past couple of weeks. Their kind words and commiseration at the current state of the job market meant the world. 

So thank you for reading, and if you’ve found me because you are between jobs, I wish you all the best. 

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Baby's First Ghosting

  Photo by Tandem X Visuals on Unsplash

In the spirit of Halloween, I'd like to share the story of a man who vanished. He disappeared Labor Day weekend and still hasn’t been found. 

It’s really my son’s tale to tell, so I asked his permission to share it here, and he said, “Sure, go ahead. I don’t think anybody reads your blog, right?” (Thanks, honey!)

Anyway, here’s how it began: 

My son, 18, was supposed to start college this fall but opted to take a gap year, recognizing that the on-campus experience would be vastly different from the one he'd imagined. 

Like many of us during the pandemic, he’d fallen into bad patterns—indulging in excessive screen time, cooking frozen pizzas at midnight (occasionally neglecting to turn off the oven), and sleeping ’til noon.

I let things slide for a bit—allowing him to enjoy some post-graduation downtime. But after weeks of me standing in his doorway at 11 a.m. bellowing, “Get out of bed!!” so he could do a mere 90 minutes of Door Dash-ing, he got a job as a carpenter’s helper. 

Suddenly, he was putting in 12-hour days. Selfishly, I was thrilled with his new career. He was learning a trade and, more importantly, he was exhausted by 9 p.m., which meant no more sitting on the couch watching Impractical Joker marathons at ear-splitting volumes while eating eight bowls of cereal in rapid succession. 

He was out of the house before sunrise some mornings. I couldn't have been more pleased—even as he adopted a new habit of walking through our home, pointing out places our molding had cracked or our paint jobs were sub-par, doing an imitation of his boss’s nasally whine, “You think that looks good? I wouldn’t pay a penny for that!”

And he was getting paid weekly—-in cash! (If you listen closely, you can hear my accountant brother slapping his forehead and screaming, “Don’t put something like that in writing!” Surely, my son would tell him IRS agents aren’t reading my blog either.)

Things had been going well for six, maybe seven, weeks right up until the Friday of Labor Day weekend. His boss paid him in full that evening and said, “I’ll text you Sunday night and let you know if we’re working Monday.”

When no text came on Sunday night, my son figured they weren’t working due to the holiday. Still, he reached out just to be sure. He didn’t hear back. He waited until the following evening before he texted again asking where and when he should show up Tuesday morning. Crickets.

Tuesday came and went. No text, no call. My son left a few voicemails.

“He must've lost his phone,” said my boy, confused, but happy to sleep in and try to boost his Rocket League ranking. “He always texts back right away.”

The week stretched on without word. My son texted a co-worker and asked him to have the boss get in touch. It didn’t help.

“Did you break anything? Did something go wrong at one of the sites? Did your boss hear you doing that imitation of him??? You can tell me!!” I pleaded, curiosity getting the better of me.

“No,” my son said, “He even thanked me for working late on Friday. I really think he just lost his phone.”

“But it’s still ringing, right? It would be dead by now—unless the person who found it is charging it for him.” I did my best to keep my eye-rolling to a minimum. “Also, he needs it for work. He would’ve replaced it immediately, don't you think?”

“No.” My son shook his head. 

Looking at him in total denial, I was catapulted back in time. He was three years old again, insisting that the people in the Red Lobster commercials couldn’t possibly be eating the crustaceans he loved visiting at our local supermarket. 

“Honey, he's ghosting you,” I told him. 

“What? No!”

“It's been a week, you need to move on—find another job.”

He looked shaken, as did my middle son, who’d just started a part-time gig as a grocery store cashier. 

“Wait, he lost his job too?” he asked, as if our family lives under a black cloud filled with pink slips. 

I saw the wheels turning behind his blue eyes and knew what he was wondering: Like good bones or bad teeth, is unemployment a genetic predisposition? In our family, it feels like a definite possibility.

I was recently ghosted by a recruiter who reached out about a writing position. After a few emails, we set up a time to talk. Maybe she sensed that I was losing enthusiasm when she hit me with this statement: “It’s 40 hours a week, but no benefits. It’s, like, a contract position. But I’m sure there’ll be opportunities for full-time work down the road.” 

Then, I tried not to sigh audibly when she told me the company was determined to be “the next Buzzfeed meets Nerd Wallet.” (If I had a nickel for every time I heard that Buzzfeed bit, I could buy Nerd Wallet.)

I didn’t say anything like, “Speak up, dearie!” “Make it snappy! ‘Judge Judy’s starting soon!” or “Give me one minute to put my teeth back in!” yet she went out of her way to state that I’d be writing for a “millennial audience” at least a half-dozen times. 

Maybe I sound old and tired, which would be reasonable—because I am. Anyway, she told me she’d be in touch shortly with an email listing what she’d need from me—resume, writing samples, etc.—to move forward. 

I never heard from her again. 

Though I knew that, just like my son, I was being ghosted, when you’re in the middle of a pandemic, there’s a moment in which you  imagine that your ghost-er has fallen ill. 

Irritation at being willfully ignored turns to compassion as you envision them reaching for their phones, wanting to contact you even as they’re getting wheeled away to be intubated.  

Of course, that’s most likely not the case. Rather, these people lack the courtesy or professionalism to simply state,“This isn’t working out. Best of luck,” as we wish they might. 

It might be hard to hear, but at least it would save us time wasted checking our phones, wondering what went wrong.

Fortunately, my son starts a new gig Monday with a carpenter who seems to run a more well-established company. Fingers crossed!

And, despite what he would tell you, I’ve heard from two lovely, new readers in the past couple of weeks. Their kind words and commiseration at the current state of the job market meant the world. 

So thank you for reading, and if you’ve found me because you are between jobs, I wish you all the best. 

Subscribe to On the Balls of Our A$$es

Zoom-nesia

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

It's often said that at a certain age—49, if you believe this article—women become invisible. Having hit that number in April, I'm realizing there's definitely some truth to it. 

But invisibility is not always a bad thing. For example, when I trip over a sidewalk and no one points and laughs, I call it a win. I can devour the chips and guacamole my son thinks he's effectively hidden in the back of the fridge, and I'm so unnoticeable, I won't even make the shortlist of suspects. So, there are definitely positives to going through life unseen.

Recently, however, I discovered that, in addition to becoming invisible, I'm also completely forgettable. Here's how I found out...

As I mentioned in my last post, I took myself out of the running for a full-time position. Here's a quick recap: After submitting to a lengthy interview with four people and a trial assignment that felt about as draining as explaining how to use Zoom to an elderly couple, the position I'd applied for was offered to another candidate. 

At that point, you'd think it's over, right? Not so fast. I was told I could still be considered for another role if I was willing to tackle a more laborious test assignment, which prompted me to say, "Thanks, but no thanks." 

Normally, I'm not this bold or decisive. But, again, I'm 49, and we're in a pandemic. If my days are numbered, I don't want to spend my final hours writing a tome on the suggested test topic: Real Estate Agents vs. Real Estate Attorneys: Similarities and Differences. (Not that this kind of knowledge wouldn't make me a huge hit at cocktail parties—if cocktail parties are ever held again.) 

And did I mention a chart of the U.S. (and its territories) illustrating those similarities and differences was also required? (I hope you're laughing because that was my reaction—along with a gentle, "Get the f*ck out of here!" when I saw that part of the assignment!)

Years ago, passing up the opportunity to try to get this position would plague me with self-doubt. Did I do the right thing? Shouldn't I have played along? What if there's nothing else out there??

But this time, I had no qualms about saying, "I'm pursuing other opportunities," even as all my other job applications have gone largely ignored. It's crickets out there and competition is fierce. Fortunately, my husband was supportive, noting that if the test assignments included statements like, "Shoot for 1,000 to 4,000 words. Use your best judgement!" what would each day entail working at this company?

I agreed and continued looking around, remaining oddly confident that I'd done the right thing. Here's how the universe confirmed my gut feeling...

Fast forward a few weeks, and a new message heralding yet another great opportunity popped up in my LinkedIn inbox. Because I seem to be a magnet for those sponsored messages that assure me I'm the perfect candidate to enroll in a computer science program or pursue my MBA in global supply chain, I didn't hold out much hope.

Still, I skimmed the message, which stated,"I think you'd be a great fit for our content strategist role." 

I was intrigued, but then I took a closer look at the headshot to the left of the message and thought, "Wait a second! This guy looks familiar!"

Michelle Tresemer on UnsplashThen I saw his name. It was the co-founder of the company that had passed me over. This guy had not only grilled me during a 90-minute video call, but also we'd exchanged emails afterward. 

I recognized him immediately, which wasn't difficult because he bears a striking resemblance to the least attractive Jonas brother. (Fact: Underemployment can make even an invisible woman mean.) 


Neither my name nor my face rang any bells for him. This made me wonder two things: 

1. Is it time for me to get a new LinkedIn photo?  

2. Should I quit job-searching altogether and turn to a life of crime as, apparently, I leave no impression whatsoever?

My first instinct was to write back, "Let me guess, you've got a trial assignment for me? What will it be this time? Re-shingling your roof? Assisting with a cross-country move? Installing a French drain system and then writing an SEO-rich haiku that also serves as a call to action?"

His message briefly described the role, which sounded exactly like the one that I'd decided not to pursue. Obviously, he was struggling to find someone willing to craft 4,000 words (that's an ebook, son!) on a dry topic for a shot at a spot at this start-up that's based on a concept that's not all that innovative. (In fact, it was attempted but failed a decade ago—something else this guy probably doesn't remember.) 

I wrote back and reminded him that we'd been in touch. I thanked him for reaching out, but let him know I was moving in another direction. (Hopefully, that move won't turn out to involve me living under a bridge with nothing but my pride and some tube socks). He didn't respond.

It's rare that you get the kind of closure I did that day. That "Girl, you dodged a bullet!" proof you did the right thing not putting your career in the hands of a man who can't recall meeting you just two weeks earlier.



I'm no stranger to being forgotten during the job-hunt process. In 2014, I trekked to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to discuss an opening for a digital editor position. After stuffing myself into Spanx on a 100-degree day and battling endless snarls of traffic, I arrived much to the surprise of my interviewer, who'd blanked on our meeting. 

To her credit, she interviewed me anyway, her eyes glazing over the way mine do when my kids try to explain their video games. 

Looking back, I believe she only agreed to meet with me as a favor to my neighbor, who worked there at the time and was later let go in one of the landmark's mass layoffs. 

Sometimes when things don't work out, it's for the best. Not having to wait years to discover that is even better. 

Thanks for reading and hope you are well.

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