Erin Alon Brain's Blog, page 2

As the World turns.

We had this death-trap on our playground known as the Merry-Go-Round. If you aren’t familiar, it was circular and flat, like a giant metal disk with rails to hold on to. I believe ours was painted red. Half of my friends would jump on for a ride and the others would grab a hold and run. They would spin that wheel like a pack of crazed hyenas with scuffed dusty sneakers, eyes wild with determination.

I was a runner. I was fast and there was a weird power I enjoyed having over the riders as they clung on for dear life, screaming. Every once in a while, I’d stop, catch my breath and look around to see what everyone else was doing. Kickball, swings, monkey bars, the tall metal slide that burned your ass, hanging out by the giant tree to talk or playing a made-up game. There was always so much to do and never enough recess. There was controlled chaos everywhere. Until the whistle blew and we had to line up, calm down and get back to being told what to do.

The problem with the Merry-Go-Round is that it’s dangerous. It never slows down unless you force it. When one runner takes a break, another gets sucked in and takes their place. It’s constant, moving and spinning. If you aren’t careful, it can consume you and all become a blur. For years, I spent so long focused on making it go, that I now marvel at how I arrived here. An adult in my 40’s, I still look around my house with wonder and and think “Huh, this is a pretty nice fort.”

Since I’m focused on writing and illustrating, my inner child is a constant companion. I need her help recalling feelings and memories to bring my stories to life. At times though, we are at odds. It’s hard to be in a creative zone and stop because of responsibilities. Painting water color pictures, then getting dinner ready. Conveying the way the air smelled, moist rich Earth, a warm Summer breeze, then yelling at my kids to stop arguing and brush their teeth. It’s one hell of a juxtaposition and a total balancing act. I want to feel that euphoria, that carefree-ness, but then my surroundings are always bringing me back to reality.

You know what? On second thought, maybe I need to break out a whistle of my own to  line my kids up, have them calm down and get used to being told what to do. If they would just listen, that may be magic enough for me.

 

 

Putting it out there.

 

Yesterday was perfect. The weather wasn’t too hot, the sun was shining. It was the first time in quite a while that I had a clear head instead of living in an seemingly ever-present allergy fog. It was so good, that I didn’t even curse under by breath as I scrubbed my 4 year old son’s poop-hand-smears of the bathroom wall. (This kid has an incredibly disgusting way of making his presence known in the world. I long for him to be able to wipe his own butt with more competency and precision.)

Anyway, after completing the writing portion of the children’s book I’m working on, I was bestowed a scanner for Mother’s Day, in order to upload my illustrations. The first one I tried was grand. With a little lightening, it appeared book-worthy. Feeling euphoric, I moved onto the next and that’s when shit fell apart. It was terrible. Not just run-of-the-mill terrible, but like it made me question my-purpose-in-life terrible. You’ve been there.

I start doing all this research and several things become clear.

1.) My little paint set from Target is for potties (no offense Target, I thought it was awesome initially, but obviously not made for what I need) and

2.) If I’m ever going to burst forth as a writer/illustrator combo, I need to be putting more things out for the public to see. Which means I have to do other creative things, since I can’t post anything to pertain directly to the book-in-progress. (Shhh. It’s kind of like a secret, but not really.)

So here is me resuscitating my blog. Also, since I was living on a sunbeam yesterday, I decided to paint a drawing that was lying on my desk cluttering, as usual. Why I had used orange cardstock is beyond me. (Probably because it was closest in the scrap bin). Then I spent a delightful time mixing paint colors for each ring around the blue flower and when it dried you can’t even freakin’ tell.

So this is not my best work, by far and I didn’t even Photoshop out the mistakes. I’m always encouraging my kids to not expect perfection and just to keep at it. It’s easier said than done, (because frustration) but I’m telling myself that it will be fun to look back at this and see how far I’ve come.