Marisa G. Franco's Blog, page 2

7 Phrases to Help You Make New Friends at Any Age

Making new friends can feel more daunting when you’re past the stages of playgrounds, school sports teams, and dorm rooms.

A whopping 58% of American adults report being lonely. Every seven years, people lose half their friends, according to one study. And the average person loses two social ties, including friends, when they get into a romantic relationship. Those with kids lose even more. 

As a psychologist and expert on human connection, I know that the people who are most successful in building and rebuilding their social circles are the ones who don’t wait for new friends to come to them. They initiate and cultivate. 

Here are seven phrases to break the ice and nurture new friendships, no matter how old you are. 

1. ‘I love your _____! Where did you get it?’

Striking up conversations with new people is the first step of any friendship. 

While talking to a stranger may seem nerve-racking, people are more open to conversation than you think. One study found that only 40% of people thought the first stranger they approached would be open to talking to them, and yet in reality, strangers were open to talking 92% of the time. 

Try paying someone a genuine compliment about their shoes, t-shirt, or overall style. It’s sure to make them more open to talking to you. 

2. ‘How do you like _____?’

People like being asked for their opinions. Sharing them activates the brain’s reward centers. 

You can apply this research by using your shared surroundings to strike up a conversation with a stranger. 

If you’re trying to approach another regular at the coffee shop, ask them how they’re liking their drink. If you’re at a new bar, ask how they feel about the music. If you’re visiting a museum, ask what they think of the art. 

3. ‘Do you have any recommendations for _____?’ 

People tend to like people who like them. Asking for recommendations sends the signal that you appreciate someone, value their opinion, and are curious to hear what they have to say. 

Try asking about a book, hobby, or movie they enjoyed recently. 

Their recommendation can inspire you to follow up next time you see them: “Oh, I listened to that podcast! Thanks again for suggesting it. I loved the episode on _____, but I have to know what you thought about ______.”

4. ‘It was great to meet you. I’d love to stay in touch, if you’re open to it. How do you like to stay connected?’

One conversation doesn’t make a friendship, but it’s a start. Try to turn your initial interactions into something more. This is a great line to use at the end of a conversation with a potential new friend that shows interest without overstepping. 

While some people might be open to exchanging numbers right away, others might prefer to connect on social media first. 

Social media allows for repeated, low-stakes interactions that make some people feel more comfortable. You can get a glimpse into their lives through what they share, which can ease the transition from strangers to friends hanging out.

5. ‘I’ve enjoyed getting to know you. Let’s make plans to hang out more often’

Friendship is built on repeated interactions and shared vulnerability, according to sociologist Rebecca G. Adams. 

After you’ve had one or more small, unplanned interactions with someone, you can add some vulnerability by expressing appreciation for the connection you already have, and then asking to make plans to hang out again — on purpose!

People tend to be particularly open to building a connection when some sort of foundation is already in place. 

6. ‘_____ made me think of you. I’ve been meaning to reach out. How have you been?’

One way to pursue a new friendship is by reigniting an old one. Most people lose friends not because there were insurmountable incompatibilities, but because life got busy. 

People tend to underestimate just how much others appreciate hearing from friends out of the blue. When people reach out to old ties, they also have a higher level of trust with them than they do with current acquaintances. 

So if you notice a knickknack or hear a song that reminds of an inside joke with a college housemate, send them a message. Sometimes reminiscing about a pleasant memory is all you need to reconnect. 

7. ‘I’m always looking for new friends to [try/do a particular activity]. Would you be interested?’

People decide how much to invest in a romantic relationship based on how likely they think they are to get rejected, according to a popular theory. The same is often true with friendships. 

By mentioning specific activities you’d be interested in doing, you can gauge whether or not you’d get rejected if you invited someone to join you in the future. You’re also letting people know you won’t reject them if they reach out about these events or hobbies. 

When you do something exciting or unusual with an acquaintance, research has found, you feel closer to them. So go ahead and tell prospective friends you’re looking to join a fantasy book club, go to a goat yoga class, or try glass blowing. 

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Maintaining Friendship When Busy: 5 Ways to Stay Connected

The thirties are the “decade where friendships go to die,” according to Lydia Denworth, author of Friendship: The Evolution, Biology and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond. As someone in my thirties, I understand why. Compared to our twenties, we have less energy, are more picky about what we want to do, and have more obligations (work, family, etc.) 

Here are some tips to keep our friendships alive, even when you’re busy. 

Maintaining friendships can be challenging, between work, family, and personal obligations, finding time to nurture our relationships can often take a back seat. However, research underscores the significant benefits of maintaining strong social connections. As individuals with close friendships report higher levels of happiness and friendships reduce your risk of  high blood pressure and depression. Here are five practical tips to help you stay connected with your friends, even when life gets busy.

Invite Friends to Meet Up in a Group

Don’t have time to see everyone one-on-one? Group gatherings maintain multiple friendships at once and research indicates that when our friends are friends, our friendships are more sustainable. Now one person reaching out keeps us all connected.  So consider a dinner party, a game night, or a casual coffee meet-up for your next catch up rather than scheduling 4 separate happy hours.

Use Your Commute to Call a Friend and Catch Up

If you have a daily commute, whether it’s 5 minutes or fifteen, use this time to catch up with friends. Research shows that we often underestimate how much our friends appreciate when we reach out to check in with them. So, next time you’re stuck in traffic or riding the train, consider calling a friend to chat.

Ask Your Friends to Join in on Your Day-to-Day Tasks

Invite your friends to join you in everyday tasks like going to the gym, grocery shopping, or running errands. For example, one friend once told me she felt lonely working from home so I suggested she “make your colleagues your friends” and now she co-works with friends weekly. In Big Friendship, Aminatou Sou and Ann Friedman argue that there’s an intimacy to doing the mundane together; running errands together won’t just be efficient. It also might bring you closer. 

Communicate Your Busyness and Reassure Your Friends

Busy people lose friends because friends assume unavailability is rejection. It’s a fair assumption since some do use perpetual busyness as a passive way to end a relationship. To make sure your friend knows you still care, be sure to be honest with them about your life and reassure them that you value them: Hey, I’m going through a busy time, so I might not be able to show up as much as I used to. I wanted to be upfront so you knew I value our friendship and that if I had more time, I’d love to see you more.

Invite your Friends Into Your Friction

Rosie Spinks argues that we don’t invite friends into the “friction” of our lives. We only see them when our houses are clean, we’re energized, or our kids are behaving well. What if we invited friends into the imperfect parts of our lives? Maybe we’re exhausted at the end of the day and just want to watch television, and we welcome our friends to do that with us. Maybe we’re doing laundry and inviting our friends to bring a chore too. The things that preoccupy us, turning us away from our friends, can become the things that bond us.

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Understanding the Complexity of Women’s Friendships

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with Danielle Bayard Jackson, author of Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships, to talk about her book. I learned so much in our discussion and I’m excited to share it with you all. 

Dr. Marisa G. Franco (MF): Your book is incredible. It’s really insightful, especially because it delves into the intersection of gender and friendships, which isn’t often explored. Can you share more about why women’s friendships are unique?

Danielle Bayard Jackson (DBJ): Thank you so much, I’m thrilled you enjoyed the book. I began noticing these differences back when I was a high school teacher. The way girls and guys congregate and react to certain situations showed me our unique ways of bonding and conflict resolution. It struck me that what may disrupt girls might not even register with the boys. These observations continued into adulthood, confirming my suspicions. Through my own experiences and conversations with other women, I became increasingly curious about our distinct modes of communication and cooperation. 

MF: bell hooks pointed out that fear of direct confrontation can push us toward indirect methods like gossip because it serves as an alternative when addressing issues directly seems too risky due to potential consequences. Have you heard that?

DBJ: Absolutely. While we may outwardly denounce gossip, it does fulfill a basic sociological need by helping us navigate social dynamics. Deborah Tannen is a sociolinguist who says to ask yourself, “am I talking about or am I talking against?”  which highlights a crucial distinction. Am I talking about my friend because I’m trying to process my feelings? Or am I secretly taking delight in having you perceive her negatively?

MF: I feel like that is a great thing to keep in mind, because I think some people think if you’re talking about me behind my back, it’s automatically bad. But, viewing gossip as a tool for processing emotions rather than inherently negative can shift our understanding of its role in friendships.

Your book brilliantly explores this conundrum of women’s friendships—that while on one hand they tend to be more intimate than men’s friendships, but on the other hand they are more fragile. Why do you think this combination exists?

DBJ: I think it comes down to the expectations we place on our close relationships. Research suggests that women have higher expectations of support and intimacy in their close relationships than men do. Women integrate our friends into our lives as deeply as siblings, whereas men treat their friends more like cousins.

With such high expectations, even minor conflicts can feel like major violations. I know I’m generalizing here, but, we tend to know that men aren’t as intimately interwoven, that maybe they don’t see and hang out with each other as often [as women do]. 

MF: Is there a way to achieve intimacy without fragility? And what does that look like?

DBJ: I believe our relationship with conflict holds the key. Unlike other contexts where conflict is expected we often don’t anticipate it in friendships. If your attitude toward friendship itself is that friendship is supposed to be recreational and fun then conflict is going to feel inappropriate to your objectives for friendship. Changing our perception of conflict from a sign of impending doom to an opportunity for growth can strengthen our friendships. 

MF: Yeah, absolutely. I think I’m a recovering conflict avoidant and I will say, I think people avoid conflict because they think it has to look like attacking each other. It has to look like antagonism. So I totally agree with you that it’s us understanding that conflict can be defanged, that it doesn’t have to be even raised voices. It can feel like an act of love.

But you have this really great concept of the “three affinities of female friendship” for why conflict tends to happen in women’s friendships. Tell us about it.

DBJ: Of course! The three affinities—symmetry, support, and secrecy—are central to understanding women’s friendships. These qualities, while fostering intimacy, also make these friendships more susceptible to disruption when violated. So women prioritize symmetry, that feeling of girl, you’re like me. You get it; support– because the research says that the number one thing women look for in their same-sex friendships is emotional support; and then secrecy which is this feeling of you and I are exclusive. We’re in this vault together. And I’m not saying that men don’t value these things, but women highly prioritize these things.  

Recognizing these affinities provides a framework for identifying and addressing issues within friendships. I’m able to name, you know, when she criticizes me or when she’s judgmental of my parenting choices or my eating choices, it feels like she’s elevating herself, because criticizing me is you saying, your choices are superior to mine. And so what’s happening here is that I feel like she thinks she’s better than me. 

MF: It’s fascinating how these affinities shape the dynamics of female friendships and understanding them can help navigate conflicts more effectively. Because typically when it comes to conflict in friendship, we don’t make the unsaid said. It can just feel like “there’s something off, but I can’t really tell what it is.” And it just continues to build and accumulate. It’s helpful to have that framework to ask yourself, “I don’t know what’s off, but is it symmetry? Is it support? Is it secrecy?” It gives us a little bit of an audit in those situations.

If you’ve enjoyed this snippet of our conversation, I encourage you to pick up Danielle’s new book Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships. The book is out today and offers a refreshing exploration of the intricacies of female friendships. 

Thank you to Danielle for sitting down with me to talk and I encourage you all to follow her work.

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5 Affirmations to Overcome Social Anxiety

Make friends? You mean do the exact thing that makes my heart palpate with stress, my mind remind me of how much everyone hates me, and my body want to escape? If you struggle with social anxiety, making friends is hard. 

Affirmations can shift your perspective and help you navigate social situations with more confidence and ease. Here are five to help soothe your social anxiety: 

1. Everyone is self-conscious sometimes. Having these thoughts is human. 

Psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan argues that shame makes us feel unhuman, uniquely deficient compared to everyone else. Reminding yourself that feeling anxious in social situations is normal combats this shame. Your anxiety does not define your worth or capabilities. Everyone has these insecurities sometimes.

2. People are much more focused on themselves than me. 

Often, we overestimate how much attention others are paying to us. In reality, people are usually more focused on themselves. In a classic psychology experiment, people were told to watch people passing a basketball. In the middle of the experiment, a man dressed in a gorilla suit walked through the video and thumped his chest. Around half of the participants don’t notice. We pay what’s called  “selective attention” and ignore the rest. And we tend to selectively attend to ourselves, so no one’s picking up on that thing you said as much as you are. 

3. Even when I’m awkward, I can give myself compassion. 

Awkwardness is not a sign of an interaction gone wrong. It’s a sign that an interaction is happening. Plus, often when we think we are coming off as awkward, we are not. For example, one study found that when we show affection, we predict that others view this as more awkward than they actually do. In fact, recipients of affection felt even better than senders predicted they would. 

4. These worries will pass. 

Remember that feelings of anxiety and worry are temporary. Stressful events impact us longer and more greatly when we see stress as permanent. Remind yourself that your worries will fluctuate, and you won’t always be as worried as you may be in a particular moment. 

5. I don’t have to be perfect to be worthy. 

Here’s something ironic. When we give up on trying to be perfect in our social interactions, people tend to like us more. One study found that when participants did not engage in safety behaviors, which are actions taken to protect them from rejection (like talking non-stop), people reported wanting to be their friend. Why? Letting go of these behaviors allowed them to be more present and engaged. Trying to be perfect and avoid any signs of rejection makes us distracted and disconnected. Your value lies in being your authentic self, not in meeting unrealistic expectations.

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8 Phrases You Might Hear in a Toxic Friendship

Friends are the cornerstone of a fulfilling and happy life. They provide support that amplifies our joys and cushions our sorrows. However, not all friendships are created equal, and some can veer into toxicity, leaving us with emotional scars that make us want to withdraw from friendship altogether. 

Knowing the signs of a toxic friend will help you avoid them, leaving you more room to find people you love who love you. But, as my fellow friendship expert Danielle Bayard-Jackson argues in her forthcoming book Fighting for our Friendships, toxic friends often use “sophisticated stealth,” crafty and underhanded forms of aggression. These 8 phrases will help you spot even these subtle signs of toxicity: 

“You’re too sensitive”

Psychologist Marsha Linehan defines validation as  communicating to someone that “her [or his] responses make sense and are understandable within her [or his] current life context or situation.” Validation is an important component of a  healthy relationship, with one study finding that people who were validated after being excluded then reported higher self-esteem, less aggression, and a better mood.

In another study, after people completed an impossible test in a lab, they shared their feeligns with an experimenter. When the experimenter invalidated their feelings, saying “I’m not sure why you are stressed,” their heart rate climbed and they felt worse. They also reported feeling less safe and showed greater signs of disengagement, less eye contact, more frowns. 

When friends tell us “you’re too sensitive” they imply that our feelings aren’t valid and that there’s something wrong with us for having them. Expressing your emotions is a healthy part of a friendship, and being told you’re too sensitive may indicate your friend lacks empathy. 

“I was just joking, can’t you take a joke?”

One important part of a healthy friendship is responsiveness: our friends try to meet our needs. When we tell our friend we’re hurt, responsiveness looks like them trying to understand why and adjusting their behavior. 

In a toxic friendship, our friend may instead say things like “can’t you take a joke” to camouflage hurtful comments. If your friend is consistently using this defense, they may be avoiding accountability for their insensitivity. 

“You’re lucky to have me as a friend”

Healthy friendships are built on equality. Your friend is invested and so are you and no friend is viewed as better than the other. If you constantly hear your friend asserting their superiority or suggesting that you should be grateful for their presence, it may be a sign of an imbalanced relationship, where you are not valued. 

“I miss the old you”

Friends should encourage us to change and grow. Friends that affirm our identity allow us to be who we are, whether or not it fits their personal values. New friendships were more likely to evolve into best friendships, one study found, when friends affirmed us in our evolving identities. 

If your friend is expressing discomfort with your positive changes or, worse, undermines your progress, it could be a sign that you’ve outgrown the friendship or that your friend doesn’t have your best interests in mind. 

“You owe me”

While reciprocity is important in a friendship, if a friend expects you to repay everything they offer, this may mean they see the relationship as transactional. Healthy friendships are built on the free flow of support. As we get close to someone, we begin to include them in our sense of ourselves, so what hurts them hurts us and what makes them happy makes us happy. This is why good friends feel comfortable being generous. 

 

“I wonder why they would give you that promotion.”

Having a friend who downplays our accomplishments or tries to one up our success with their own, i.e “Well I just got a big raise” undercuts our confidence and joy. How others respond to our good news, one study found, more greatly predicted the quality of the relationship than even how they responded to our suffering. In healthy friendships, friends engage in something called capitalization, amplifying our joy by cheerfully exclaiming congratulations or taking us out to celebrate. 

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

True reconciliation requires each party to recognize the the harm they caused. When we apologize because someone feels a certain way, we imply that the problem is their feelings rather than our behavior. If expressing your concerns or setting boundaries is met with dismissive comments like this one, your friend does not take accountability for their impact on you. 

{nothing} – They ghost you.

Losing a friendship often triggers disenfranchised grief, a complicated grief experience that occurs because society trivializes friendship and does not legitimize the gravity of the loss. And yet, grief in a friendship is compounded even further when we don’t know why a friend pulls away. Getting ghosted on, one study found, makes us feel hurt, sad, and lowers our self-esteem. Even if they want to end a friendship, friends show regard for us by telling us explicitly. 

These 8 phrases are signs your friend may have toxic traits. However, no one phrase alone can be used to diagnose a friendship as toxic. Be sure to consider these phrases within the larger dynamics of the friendship, asking yourself questions like: do they show up when I’m in need? Do they want the best for me? Is there a balance of each of us getting our needs met in the friendship? If you find these phrases reflect a larger toxic dynamic, it is a sign to pull back, set boundaries, or have an honest conversation and move on.

 

This post originally appeared as a contribution for CNBC.

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Part 2: Platonic Life Partnerships Unveiled

I recently spoke with my friend and author, Rhaina Cohen, about platonic live partners. In her forthcoming book, The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center she shares stories of people who have decided to choose a friend as a life partner rather than a romantic partner. If you missed it, the first part of our conversation is available here. In this second part of our conversation we talk about the internal and societal changes needed to make these relationships more accessible in our world.

I hope you enjoy our conversation as much as I did. 

Dr. Marisa G. Franco (MF): I’m wondering if there’s a vulnerability in these expansive relationships because they break the norm. During rough patches, the mantra isn’t necessarily “marriage is hard” but rather questioning the validity of what we’ve created. What are your thoughts on that?

Rhaina Cohen (RC): Stigma and misunderstanding came up a lot in my conversations. When navigating difficulties, close relationships involve misunderstandings, compromises, and tough conversations. Romantic relationships naturally have these, but the hope is they don’t dominate. There’s this notion that friendships should be effortless, but like any relationship, they require maintenance. Unfortunately, resources for friendship troubles, like therapy, are scarce compared to family or couples therapy. More how-to books and resources could also help people work through difficulties and reduce stigma.

MF: Some might question, “Well why choose a platonic life partner when at its best it’s a romantic partner without the sex” What’s your response?

RC: Think of it like the closeness you have with a sibling or a close family member. Sex doesn’t define many of the relationships that deeply impact us. We need to reconsider why society places such emphasis on sex in defining partnerships. When people make wedding vows, they’re not necessarily promising eternal sexual desire, but rather to be there for each other through thick and thin. There’s beauty in finding profound commitment in various forms beyond the traditional romantic model.

MF: Do you think societal concepts shape our internal experiences, making it challenging to acknowledge deep friendships as life partnerships?

RC: Absolutely. Lack of societal categories can affect our perception of satisfaction and relationships. For example, a woman named Paula wrote to me about realizing the depth of her friendship after reading my article in The Atlantic. She was divorced, dating, and feeling a void until she recognized the fulfilling friendship right in front of her. Our internal experiences often align with societal norms until we question them.

MF: What tips can you share for deprogramming those societal norms and embracing unconventional relationship structures?

RC: Take cues from those with imaginative thinking and expand your options beyond societal norms. One of the things I’m hoping to do with the book is to expand the menu options for people so that there’s not just one path.

Reflect on past decisions and future motivations.  Asking yourself questions, like “Did I choose not to see my friend on Wednesday night because I was tired or because I thought I should by default, always be hanging out with my romantic partner? Or, you know, did I choose to move into a studio apartment rather than live with roommates because I really like to have my alone time, or was it that I felt like more of an adult thing to do? 

Be open and vulnerable in conversations about what you want from friendships. I’ve been in situations where it’s really clear that friends want to be more invested in people’s lives, but nobody’s willing to make the first move and then everybody’s in this kind of sub optimal position where no one’s getting the kind of depth of connection that they want, but everyone’s too afraid to ask for what they want. In these cases, initiating discussions using shared references from books or shows can provide a safe starting point. 

MF: For those valuing deep friendships in a culture that often prioritizes romantic relationships, do you have any advice on finding like-minded individuals who might be open to committing as deeply to a platonic relationship?

RC: Acknowledge the challenge of swimming against the current and understand it’s not about you; it’s about societal norms. People tend to have these skewed visions of trade offs depending on how conventional or not the situation is. When people do the conventional thing, and get married to go and live in a kind of isolated nuclear family household they tend to not engage as much with the losses of maybe being separated from the community. On the other hand, for people who make unconventional decisions, like living with friends, or prioritizing friends, they are constantly put in the position where they have to defend their decisions. 

I do think that the general pattern is that when people are thinking about trade offs, they really focus on the positives of the conventional decision and the negatives of the conventional. Once you understand and can acknowledge that it helps. 

Then you can test the waters by discussing shared texts or topics about friendship to gauge others’ responses to see how they feel. There are increasingly more things like Broad City or Insecure that have friendships at the center, use those as a starting place. See with the people in your life, do they respond to and see those relationships as preposterous, or do they experience some kind of longing for something like that in their lives?

MF: How can policy changes support platonic life partnerships on par with romantic ones?

RC: Policy changes can provide options beyond marriage for exchanging rights and benefits, such as designated partnership registries. Laws should accommodate a broader definition of family and ensure implementation to reflect individuals’ chosen support networks, preventing exclusion based on outdated norms.

 

You can order Rhaina’s book, now out, here.

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Platonic Life Partnerships Unveiled:

I recently spoke with my friend and author, Rhaina Cohen, about platonic live partners. In her forthcoming book, The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center she shares stories of people who have decided to choose a friend as a life partner rather than a romantic partner. Our newsletter this month and next month comes from the conversation we shared ahead of her book release. 

I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed our conversation.

Dr. Marisa G. Franco (MF): What is a platonic life partner?

Rhaina Cohen (RC): A platonic life partner is a type of friendship where people engage in activities typically associated with romantic partners, such as building a life together and planning a future. This can include living together, owning a home, raising children, and growing old. Those involved in these friendships see themselves as a unit, thinking of themselves as a “we.”

MF: Your book delves into the historical precedent for platonic life partners. Can you elaborate on that?

RC: Absolutely. There’s a lengthy history, going back to examples like David and Jonathan in the Hebrew Bible, who formed a covenantal friendship. I also explore the practice of “sworn brotherhood,” dating back to the fourth century, where monks formed spiritual unions. This practice extended to lay people in the Byzantine Empire, and later evolved into what were known as romantic friendships in England and France during the 17th, 18th, and 19th centuries—which were really intimate effusive, same-sex friendships.

Interpreting these relationships can be challenging due to differing cultural contexts. Some of these friendships may have involved sexual elements, with the friendship serving as a cover. However, my sense reading this history is that these relationships often represented a unique conception of friendship, where deep love didn’t necessarily entail lust. Overall, these friendships were characterized by more intense emotions and commitment than what is commonly perceived as possible today.

MF: What prompted the shift in perception, making such partnerships less acceptable now?

RC: The invention of labels like hetero and homosexuality played a significant role. Before the 20th century, there was no clear identity category of being gay or straight, along with the associated stigma against same-sex desire. Previously, it was acceptable, especially among women, to express deep affection without it being viewed as inherently sexual. However, as sexologists emerged around the turn of the 20th century, moral panic around same-sex desire grew, leading to a decline in depictions of intimate same-sex friendships in popular culture.

Additionally, the evolving institution of marriage and changing societal expectations played a part. In earlier centuries, marriage was not necessarily based on finding a soulmate or love. Over time, as friendship diminished, marriage expanded, with people expecting more from marital relationships. By the late 20th century, the idea emerged that marriage would fulfill one’s self-actualization, leaving little room for the intense emotions and commitments associated with friendships.

MF: So, essentially, the rise of homophobia and societal changes contributed to the decline of intimate friendships?

RC: Yes, I think that’s a big part of it, especially among men. I also think there was an overcorrection in response to a history of straightwashing. For instance, I was talking to somebody who went to Wellesley College, which is an all women’s college, and they were telling me that it was a very kind of queer friendly place, but that one of the consequences of that was it was hard to have a best friend because everyone just assumed that you were dating if you were two women who were close to each other. This unintended consequence, even out of open-mindedness, makes it harder for people to recognize that deep feelings can exist without a sexual interest.

MF: It seems that creating a distinct concept for platonic life partners is necessary for recognition. How can we facilitate this recognition?

RC: Establishing the category is helpful, but a broader shift involves untethering people from rigid categories. Starting from the individual rather than predefined roles or relationship categories is crucial. While I focus on friendships, the same applies to other relationships, like siblings. Embracing expansive thinking and asking questions about ideal companionship, living arrangements, and life orientation can lead to unique answers beyond societal scripts. Such as asking yourself, if you’re designing life from scratch, who do you want to spend a ton of time with? Who do you want to maybe raise a family with? How many people do you want to orient your life around? Who do you want to live with? Asking yourself, who do I feel most seen by? Who do I want to be surrounded by? Could allow you to explore interesting and different ideas of what life looks like.

Legitimizing the possibility of friends in these roles helps, but encouraging open-mindedness about diverse relationship configurations is equally important.

MF: It’s interesting to consider who satisfies you the most without assuming a romantic partner needs to be that person.

RC: Absolutely. It’s about questioning what one wants in life and exploring various possibilities. Ideal housing situations, relationships, and configurations can differ greatly among individuals. Maybe you want one partner or maybe you would love to have a romantic connection, but you also want to have one or two other “ride or die” people and maybe one of those is a sibling. I think that there are all sorts of configurations. And partnership is a form that really fits a lot of people but even then I think you can move outward to think more about who are the closest people who are surrounding us. 

Partnership can take various forms, and even if it involves one person, there’s room for other close relationships. Recognizing that the person one lives with, raises children with, and makes decisions with doesn’t have to be the same individual can lead to richer connections, whether in partnership or close friendships.

You can pre-order Rhaina’s book here.

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The Art of Lingering in Friendship

Hosting a small Friendsgiving recently offered me a valuable lesson in the art of lingering, courtesy of my friend Kate. Despite Kate arriving an hour late, which was fine as I had given friends a sprawling entrance time, she lamented that she didn’t arrive right on time. She prefers to be punctual, citing the intimacy that comes with arriving early, something she wanted us to have. 

Kate had a friend who always arrived on time to gatherings. Initially, it made her uncomfortable since she wasn’t prepared. However, when that friend said she arrived early to share an intimate moment with Kate before everyone else arrived, Kate appreciated the gesture. Inspired, Kate now makes the effort to arrive on time herself. At the end of Friendsgiving after all of my other friends left, Kate lingered for another hour.  Our conversation got more intimate, as we divulged health issues, dreams, and relationships conflicts. 

Often, our interactions in friendships are confined to frugal time blocks, leading us to leave prematurely out of fear of overstaying or of things getting awkward. However, if we linger long enough, we often find that instead of things plateauing into awkwardness, there lies an opportunity for the relationship to deepen.

Lingering can offer us what Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman call “the intimacy of the mundane” in their book, Big Friendship. It’s the closeness that arises when friends can engage in ordinary activities together without needing to entertain one another. It signifies an ease that transcends the need to prove your worth as a friend via offering constant stimulation. 

To linger, we must cultivate what researchers call “time affluence,” which describes the perception of having ample time to do something. Having time affluence isn’t about how busy you are. It’s about a mental shift to surrendering to the moment with a friend. And time affluence is linked to improved well-being, enjoying the present moment, ahd having more intimate relationships. 

Here are some tips for leaning into lingering: 

Put time with friends in your calendar so you can mentally shift to seeing time with friends as a priority, rather than as time away from other responsibilities.Give your friend your undivided attention. That means putting away your phone, as one study found the mere presence of a phone decreases relationship quality (though a follow-up study did not replicate this effect).  When the inclination to leave arises, consider lingering instead. If you worry about imposing, check in “Do you need some recharge time now? How are you feeling?” to see if they might welcome a linger.Ask to hang out after you hang out: Maybe you and a friend had dinner together, and you then ask them to come over to watch a movie. 

In the words of poet Mikko Harvey, “The number of hours we have together is actually not so large. Please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. Please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it.”

The post The Art of Lingering in Friendship appeared first on Dr. Marisa G. Franco.

Finding Chosen Family

With the holidays coming up, I wanted to share a piece I wrote with you all on chosen family and what it means with a spotlight on queer communities (who developed this term).Enjoy!

Alex Lehto-Clark, a transman living in the upper peninsula of Michigan, celebrates Christmas with Christmas cookies, charcuterie boards, holiday tunes, and something extra: an outfit swap. As his queer chosen family joins for the festivities, they each go to  the basement, leaf through bundles of clothes, change in makeshift fitting rooms, and debut their new looks. Outside, they might be rejected or scorned for choosing clothes that align best with who they are, but here, they are told they are beautiful.

The clothing swap reveals something vital about chosen family. For some queer people, family of origin is a place where their parents’ sense of identity is contingent on them collapsing their own—to be straight or cisgender. Family of origin means emotional drag: authenticity or connection, while chosen family offers authenticity and connection.

Alex came from a Catholic family of origin “obsessed with the idea of normal.” Though they came around, they didn’t accept his sexuality or gender at first. But with his chosen family, “I can talk about sex and trauma and all the shitty little microaggressions trans people go through.” Discussing his mental health issues with his family of origin felt taboo. Yet, when Alex told his friend Aiden “I feel like I’m going crazy,” after mental health challenges, Aiden responded “you don’t have to be sane for us to love you.”

Emotional needs, like Alex’s, can drive a search for chosen family, but so can material. The term, coined by Kath Weston in Families We Choose (additional terms that challenge traditional notions of family include relationship anarchy, polyamory, platonic life partners, and polycule), arose in part, because of queer people’s need for caretakers, unfulfilled by estranged family, during the AIDS epidemic. Now, given 9% of LGBT are fired or not hired because of their identity, and transgender people are twice as likely to be unemployed, queer people may seek chosen family to access resources.

Queer people embracing chosen family demonstrate there is no extraordinary love reserved for family. Anyone can lug us to the airport, shovel our cars from snow, fulfill our prescriptions, or top off our rent. When family reject queer people, it becomes obvious that the concept of family is, as Kath Weston frames it, a social construct. Norms like unconditional love and lifelong commitment are not given but contested. Nor must they be exclusively impressed on families of origin. We can extract, a la carte, functions we like best from “family” and apply these to chosen family.

That is—if we’re allowed into one.

Caleb Luna, the nonbinary author of Revenge Body sees being fat and “culturally ugly” as barring them from masc community. A desire for sex and intimacy are so ensnared in masc spaces, Caleb argues,—citing Foucault’s point that to be gay means wanting not just sex but intimacy with men— that the culturally ugly cannot access intimacy in any form: “if you’re having sex with your friends, then you’re also only being friends with people you want to have sex with.” They ask themselves if someone finds them attractive to discern “will this person let themselves care for me? Are they someone who will allow themselves to prioritize me when necessary? ..to invest in me and do the work to keep our relationship positive and mutually beneficial?”

Still, Caleb wants chosen family to find healthier relationships. In their family of origin, their mother insisted they conceal their queerness, lose weight, and devote their life to Jesus. For a chosen family, Caleb sees commitment as nested in more nourishing anchors than blood or legal documents. “Because of the chosen part, it breeds accountability. You have to be committed to a certain level of treatment with one another.”

For Wil, who identifies as agender, and considers their chosen family their romantic partners and friends, the anchor of chosen family is love, support, and care. “There isn’t a fear mongering permeance—you’re stuck with me so I can do anything to you—but a dedication to being with each other for as long as we’re healthy and happy…and taking into consideration every single members’ experiences and lives and identity and humanity.”

For people struggling with their family of origin, the concept of chosen family offers solace. It reveals that for every loss there is an offering—for every vacuum in connection, there is spaciousness for something new. And even though chosen families may be exclusive or hard won from trauma, when done well, they can offer a profound joy that surpasses what many know in their family of origin. Because when our ideas of family stretch, we can explore and pursue with chosen family what we truly want from the closest relationships of our lives.

In Wil’s words, “Being able to look at my family and say we broke all the rules and we’re happy and healthy and functioning shows me that in all other aspects of life, that could be true too. Things don’t have to be better through the systems that currently exist. There’s more out there for us. We could be living better. We really could. We just have to try.”

The author thanks Drs. Skyler Jackson and Bri Farber for their feedback on content in this article.

The post Finding Chosen Family appeared first on Dr. Marisa G. Franco.

How to Vet Friends: Using Lessons from Halloween

One year on Halloween, I wore a grey blazer that I first bought for graduate school interviews and a slightly creepy white mask with gold and black trimming. Only my eyes, mouth, and nostrils jutted out of the mask’s holes. I told people my costume was the “mask you wear at work.” It took me about a month to later realize I was using my Halloween costume to express what I wasn’t yet ready to admit—that I hated my job.

I love thinking about Halloween as an opportunity to express sides of yourself you don’t yet feel safe expressing elsewhere. And I love thinking about friendship this way too. So does Anais Nin, the French Cuban writer who once said, “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” There are parts of us we only ever get to know around certain friends.

This Halloween, I encourage you to reflect on the questions below:

Who are you around each of your closest friends? Around whom are you the funniest? Most charming? Calmest? Most extroverted? Most profound? Most authentic?What it is about each friend that activates these sides of you?Which parts of yourself (from question 1) do you want to experience more of?

Reflecting on these questions can help you:

Prioritize spending time with friends who bring out your favorite version of yourself.Vet new friends to find people who bring out your favorite version of yourself (i.e., who have the qualities you used to answer question 2 above).

For those who celebrate—Happy Halloween! And Happy Friending!

The post How to Vet Friends: Using Lessons from Halloween appeared first on Dr. Marisa G. Franco.