Robin LaVonne Hunt's Blog, page 2

What if the Adoption Plan Falls Through?

“Mercy, peace, and love be yours in abundance.” Jude 1:2

Ephesians 1:5-6 says, "It was always in his perfect plan to adopt us as his delightful children, through our union with Jesus, the Anointed One, so that his tremendous love that cascades over us would glorify his grace —for the same love he has for the Beloved, Jesus, he has for us." TPT

Did you catch that? God always wanted to adopt us! His delightful children. He sees us as delightful. Have you looked around? There are a lot of people that I would not call delightful. But God looks at them as only a father can, and he sees through their bad behavior and loves them.

While many people are content to foster without planning on adopting, many others go into foster care hoping to adopt, or they fall in love with their foster children, and soon find themselves becoming open to and even hoping to adopt. Sometimes when the caseworker calls even before the family has met the children, they are told that a child or these children need a pre-adoptive home because their case will likely go to adoption. So the worker is looking for a family open to adopting if the case goes that way.

Foster parents, eager to help a hurting child, fall in love with the child or children, despite challenges. Many of them love these children as their own. Parents' hearts swell with love just at the thought or sight of them. Their love cascades over these children, and they choose to have grace for hard things because they know what their child has been through. The plan to adopt brings the family excitement!

Just like our Heavenly Father. His plan was to adopt each of us, the children he created. But he is GOD - and he doesn't always get to adopt the kids he wants. It falls through sometimes. The process may start when someone says they want to be adopted (they want to follow Jesus), and then they end up running away instead. The Father's heart breaks when they refuse to speak to him for days, months, a year, or indefinitely. They don't want to be in the Father's presence because they are angry with their heavenly Father or act completely indifferent as if he has no feelings or they don't matter.

Did you know that children nine and older have to say they want to be adopted by you before the process can take place? The concept of adoption is hard for some children to understand, and being forced to say they want you instead of their mom and dad is something some children are not willing to do for many different reasons.

In an eagerness to love and help a child, a family doesn't realize there are valid reasons why a child's adoption might not work out. Well-meaning parents are sincere when they tell a child they just met that they want to adopt them. Sometimes, it is not to be. Other times, a child moves on to another family, and they continue to consider one or more of their previous foster family's children as their siblings.

It is always complicated, like feelings, family, and life.

Looking back to conversations with foster parents, no one knew that a new child's presence would cause significant challenges to a child already in the home. A new foster family didn't realize taking in a sibling group of children that aren't in school yet would cause them to miss work and use up all their sick leave, impacting their finances.

No one foresaw an extended health issue like post-concussion syndrome from a simple fall where I could no longer juggle activities, appointments, and the stress of having a large family group, or after a year and a half, the doctor saying, being home from work wasn't enough. "If you don't reduce your stress, you might not get better."

What about a grandma that emerges from seemingly nowhere that has been trying to find the children? Or a new caseworker changes the projection of the case, and the children will go home now?

Should we not take large sibling groups? Should we say no to kids needing childcare? Should we say no to kids that might run away? Should we foster at all?

Looking back to Ephesians 1:4, "In love, he chose us before he laid the foundation of the universe." Before God created the universe and earth in Genesis, he chose us! That is a LONG time to plan, and hope to adopt a child! But that is how long God hoped and planned to adopt you and people who haven't even been born yet! He is still waiting for people who have been on the planet for decades.

Foster care is known for drama. It is rare that a child goes into foster care and on to adoption, "and the family lives happily ever after."

Should we expect our fostering and adoption process to be easy when God has to wait to adopt us through all the drama around us and the drama we create ourselves? Many horrible things happen on earth to people because of other people, but God does not give up hope. He does not hold back his love to protect himself. God invests in listening to those talking to him and sending help to those ignoring him. He spends his free time creating beautiful sunrises that we often miss. But he makes them out of his love for us in hopes that we will look up and see it and know he loves us and he's thinking of us.

God created us in his image, and we are to be like him. Loving, hoping, persisting.

Don't shrink back. As humans, bravery and fear are the closest of friends.

Be brave and love well.

Step up! Let's do what we can when we can. God will take care of the rest. Choose to trust him with your life and the lives of your children.

Will you trust him with your children when they need to move on? After all, at the very least, they all grow up and move out someday.

Dream up Adventure

Go Outside & Explore

When life gets heavy or monotonous a mini adventure can add fun back into life.

Mix it up—sometimes take a few kids at a time, the whole family, or just the adults. These adventures can last an hour, overnight, or an entire weekend.

• Stop at a local park you haven’t gone to yet.

• Go for walks in different places as a family.

• Explore hiking trails in the area.

• Visit a friend for the weekend.

• Sign up for a paint party.

• Rent a state park cabin (they are affordable).

• Stop for ice cream at your favorite local spot.

• Go to a play place for dessert or meet a friend and her kids there.

• Go kayaking or boating.

• Sign up for a church Bible study. The kids can play with other kids while you laugh, cry, and connect to others who can pray for you.

• Visit a local garden center or greenhouse and let the kids pick their favorite vegetable, flower, or houseplant.

• Visit a local farm to pick produce.

• Have everyone grab their swimsuits and find a place at a local pool, pond, river, or beach to swim and have a picnic.

• Go to a farmers market.

• Visit the local pet store.

• Have a picnic and watch a movie in the living room.

• Send the kids fishing with your husband while you get a massage or pedicure.

• Go to the library and check out the free kids’ events.

• Observe local wildlife. Watch birds, feed the ducks, or visit a local wildlife center, fish hatchery, or petting zoo.

• Go ice skating, skiing, or snowboarding.

• Stop and let the kids skip stones when you see a great spot.

• Participate in summer or winter programs or camps for free. There are often scholarships for foster children.

• Go rollerblading, roller skating, or skateboarding.

• Stop and read flyers for local events and put them on your calendar so you don’t forget.

• Go camping!

• Sign the kids up for Vacation Bible School at different churches in town.

• When friends ask if your children can come over, say yes!

• Go to cultural events in the area.

• When a friend invites you anywhere, go!

You can read the complete chapter, “Survival Tips to Prevent Burnout for Everyone in the Family” in the book Breathing through Foster Care: A Survival Guide Based on the Reflection of a Foster Mom by Robin LaVonne Hunt.

Overcommitted & Overwhelmed? STOP!

“Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” Psalm 116:7

Sometimes when I am happily floating down the stream of Occupied, a whirlpool of Overwhelmed rises out of nowhere. I find myself sputtering as I’m suddenly sucked down into Over-commitment. As if in an illogical dream, I try to talk myself out of drowning as the water’s force and pressure overtake me. I reason with myself, believing the shame I feel as I dialogue within my mind.

Nothing I am doing is that hard. I can do these things, and I’m good at them, so I should do them. Since the last foster children left, we have a spot available. Maybe I should say yes to the friend who has been pleading with me to consider the foster child she can’t keep. The child is outside our family’s comfort zone, and we should take a break to catch up on life before we have new foster children move in, but we could make it work.

I try not to guilt myself into saying yes, but this is a real struggle for me at times. Reality sets in when we are engaged in nonstop activities and I miss texts or voicemail messages telling me dates and times have shifted to collide with other plans.

It’s when I hit one of these walls that I stop for a second and look at the situation. I realize I am already doing my part to help kids, and it is okay and necessary to start saying no so we can nurture the relationships in our family and keep up with previous commitments.

I want to commit to helping people and invest in activities that seem valuable or fun. But my life is busy and convoluted. I am slowly learning that the uncomfortable response—no—is better than resenting people for talking me into something I was uncomfortable with from the beginning.

I begin to recognize my need for rest when I realize that I’m not my usual smiley, bubbly self. When I get quiet or begin to withdraw into myself, I realize I need to take time for myself to prevent burnout. I take a nap, go for a walk outside, or take a break from the daily grind.

Sometimes I allow myself to purposefully ignore my messy room and never-ending tasks to pray, journal and reflect. Calling a time-out for myself gives me a chance to stop and make hard decisions as to what needs to be shaved from my schedule when it all feels important. During a rare time-out, I might go to a women’s retreat. I feel restored when I allow myself to be enveloped in God’s rest.

When you feel like you are in a pit Alone, don’t believe the illusion. Quiet yourself before your heavenly Father and know you are loved. He sees you right in the middle of all that surrounds you. He is there with you and has been all along, even in the scary parts of life.

The things that got me through times of burnout were little but Real.
• Praying - “Lord, continue to fill me up with your joy and peace each day. Renew my hope.”

• Breathing in fresh, cold air and looking up at frosted trees or a sunset.

• Sitting by a window on a short winter day and feeling the sunshine pour over me.

• Enjoying a hug, shy smile, or belly laugh from a child in my life.

I release my anxiety as I pray, “Lord, help me to learn this lesson quickly.”

In these little moments, God communicates, I’m here. I see you. I love you. When you come to your end is where I begin to reveal myself.

At times, when it feels like children are doing whatever disrespectful things they want, I cry out from the chaos, Lord, I’ve hit the end of me! I need you to show up here! And he does! Through a child, parent, teacher, or family friend, the Holy Spirit sends the help I need at just the right moment.

You can read the complete chapter, “Survival Tips to Prevent Burnout for Everyone in the Family” in the book Breathing through Foster Care: A Survival Guide Based on the Reflection of a Foster Mom by Robin LaVonne Hunt.

You Are Not Alone

“I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.”

Habakkuk 1:5b

Even though it is harder than they expected, most parents do not regret fostering or adopting. When people found out I was writing a book about fostering, many moms shared their arduous journeys with the vulnerable children God brought into their lives. I’ve heard stories of joy and hope that came to an end when they felt they lost their beloved child to drugs or when their love was rejected.

As a mom comes to the end of sharing a difficult journey and swipes at the tears welling in her eyes, I always ask the same question. “Knowing how hard it has been, if you could go back, would you still have chosen to foster (or adopt) them?” The answer from these brave mamas’ shattered hearts is a resounding yes!

One mama told me she had a foster daughter in and out of her home for over a decade. This daughter of her heart overcame countless obstacles. They shared a beautiful, fun-loving relationship, and she was like one of their own children, even though the state repeatedly returned her to her birth mom. Then this daughter tried meth, and now she is not the same person anymore. This mama mourned the loss of the beloved daughter. The enemy had stolen her. Her daughter became verbally abusive, blaming her for everything in her life. “We gave her everything we gave our other children. The last time she was here, I had to tell her not to come back,” she shared through tears.

When I asked this tender mom if she would do it over again, she jumped over my words before I could finish asking the question. “Yes! A million times, yes! She was like one of our children.”

I agree with the moms who said they are thankful they didn’t know how hard some parts would be, or they might not have fostered. Yes, all the moms I’ve asked would do it again, even if it turned out the same.

In seasons when we come to a desolate desert of hurt and hope is as faint as water, we are suspended. We are mamas wanting to trust God’s promise that we are new every morning. Yet we don’t know what to think as our hearts race within our chests. We pray, “Lord, bless our children.” But can we dare to hope that God can heal the hurt between us? We lost our innocence when repeated and forceful breaks in trust shattered our relationships. We want to believe, hope, and love fully without hesitation.

Lord, have mercy on us all as we discover in this place of faint hope that you are faithful.

“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:22–23).

The truth is, we are more resilient and adaptable than we will ever imagine, and we will rise to the challenge—except for the days we don’t, and we allow ourselves to feel defeated, or we are sucked into the whirlpool of being overwhelmed. Those moments are real and do happen. Maybe it’s because we are listening to the lie inside our head that we are not doing the best we can. Or that we could have done something better. We don’t know what, but something!

I love the saying “Don’t believe everything you think.”

One truth I have come to understand in the loneliness of grief is, you are not alone.

You can read the complete chapter, “What Do Foster Parents Want Others to Know?” in the book Breathing through Foster Care: A Survival Guide Based on the Reflection of a Foster Mom by Robin LaVonne Hunt.

The Fruit of Long-Suffering

Capable of enduring lasting suffering. https://www.thefreedictionary.com/lon...

It has been a long while since I wrote a blog. In my last one, I thought I was okay when I fell head first on an icy road on April 10, 2021. After a visual inspection and stitches, the ER doctor said I didn’t have a concussion but promised I’d have a headache the next day.  I rested that weekend and I took Tylenol as I returned to teaching. A couple of days into teaching, I realized that my multiplying symptoms were not going to go away with Tylenol. 

On the day my principal told me to go home, the fluorescent light was making me so nauseous I had a hard time following my thoughts from the head pain. Even though I had concussion training as an educator I didn’t understand head trauma at the time and I honestly wasn’t able to think clearly to realize I had a concussion.

At first, I thought I’d be better in a week, a couple more weeks, a month, then I started to wonder if I was going to ever get better. As I had to fight every day to be me for months on end I began hating my bed and the endless need for sleep, I lost hope that I would ever get better. 

As a 1st grade teacher, I teach reading yet I couldn’t read without intense pain. My eyes wiggled back and forth or jerked and went blurry (they still do, just not nonstop). I couldn’t even listen to audiobooks for more than 2 or 3 minutes without severe nausea and head pain from trying to understand the information.  I couldn’t work. Sleeping became my job. I’d sleep when my kids were at school and get up when my kids were home and then I’d go to bed early. Thinking, hurt, and made me get so tired that my brain just shut itself off. After trying to follow a conversation I couldn’t keep my eyes open. My husband was a saint, taking care of the kids during this time. When I wasn’t sleeping, the only things I could do were light housework like cooking and doing laundry since they didn’t require reading or thinking. 

After MANY doctor appointments, specialists, and prayer I am slowly recovering. For a year I felt horrible for the majority of every day and then as I have gotten better I have had to plan my day carefully to avoid symptoms so I could be a mom when my kids needed me. Ear plugs, covering a page of words with a brown napkin as I read a line at a time, having the kids play outside or downstairs, a baseball cap and sunglasses, not looking while one of my younger daughters read aloud to me. 

My writing and texting are affected too. In addition to not being able to focus on words. I accidentally type a similar word such as “that” instead of “then” or “over” instead of “open” I erase or delete it and then rewrite the same word sometimes three times! Or I write a word mixed up multiple times the same way like,  “ytas” when I was trying to write “stay.” I recognize right away that was not what I was trying to write and think, “What? That is not what I was writing!” Then I rewrite it the same way again.  

I could look and act normal for short windows of time if I was careful to limit noise, thinking, fluorescent lights, reading, conversations, and stress. Even happy stress sabotaged my days. The day my parents flew in I was looking forward to their arrival. I had a headache and was nauseous all day from the mild excitement! 

Needless to say, FC is stressful. There is no way around it. 

I hear some stories about foster children's adoptions that are quick (a year from the time they moved in). The decision and the process to adopt have never been simple for us. We have had children we thought we would adopt that were not to be. The grief from these losses is as real as physical death but the children we love are still alive we just don’t have access to them. 

My doctors kept urging me to decrease my stress as my post-concussion symptoms continued to multiply as circumstances and rejection from the children we wanted to adopt continued to become more complicated. 

We decided to become guardians when the kids didn’t want to be adopted. Then when someone from the state flew into Fairbanks to do our case study for guardianship the kids said they wanted to live with someone else.

When circumstances didn’t make sense and I felt blindsided by the ones I loved, and friends I trusted, I have begun to learn to listen closer to God’s leading. He is the one I can fully trust. He is my help. He is the one that knows my heart and will help me find hope again. 

 Our foster children have moved on to another home and I find myself in the broken place again. We have been here before, it doesn’t get easier, but I know I’ll come out the other side. I just haven’t been through it while having health issues.

I am so thankful for my faithful and trustworthy husband. I’m trying to heal and do what the doctors are asking me to do and I see that my symptoms are decreasing now that the kids have moved out. It was never our dream to be parents to ten kids, but we always said that if anyone needed a home and they fit into our family we were open to adopting. These foster children seemed to fit easier into your lives that any other foster children we ever had and we are attached even though they are gone.

Lord, you know that the intent of my heart is to bring you glory in all we do including parenting and loving the children you bring. Right now this is just straight-up painful. Thank you that you love these children more than anyone on this earth ever could, including me. 

Bless each of these children with your presence and comfort and heal every hidden hurting place in their hearts. I’m trusting your promises. 

As they received Christ Jesus as their Lord, may they continue to live their lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as they were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6-7

Help them to remember to “Do everything without complaining and arguing.” Philippians 2:14

And Philippians 4:8 “Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” 

May each of them know they are loved, and help them to live in the freedom of who you made them to be. Let them discover the gifts you have given them and develop these gifts for your glory.

My neurologist has asked me periodically if I am writing yet. He says I will know that I am getting better when I want to do things I have loved all my life. It has been a year and a half since my accident and until recently my brain injury robbed me of my lifelong joys and desires including teaching, reading, writing, and taking pictures of my kids. Thankfully, I’m able to listen to audiobooks again! This blog has taken three nights to accomplish and each night I have had a headache when I was done, but I can’t put my life on pause forever. Praise God, HOPE is a spark that is beginning to flicker to life. I know I have a ways to go yet, but look at me, I’m writing!

Love is NEVER wasted.

Whatever hard thing you are going through today. Listen to this song and know you can do hard things.

Unexpected Turns

I borrowed a friend's truck and headed out of town with one of my little sidekicks. We were excited and a little nervous as we drove out to the remote cabin, which included an outhouse, but no running water.

I made sure to plug in my cell phone since it was 15% when we got in the truck. My daughter looked forward to playing in the woods and doing crafts in the cute little one-room cabin, while I would begin editing my book in preparation for recording the audiobook. 

The last time I headed up the narrow road covered with slick packed snow, my minivan spun out as I tried to round the first sharp turn uphill. With snow piled high on each side, I ended up having to back down the windy road. I made it back to the main road with my daughter walking along, directing me as I went. 

This time, I was nervous as I came to that first sharp bend again. I started to pick up speed, hoping I'd be able to make it up the steep hill. Then with a last-minute hesitation, I slowed just in case another vehicle might be coming down. About 10 feet before the turn, a truck came around the corner, and I had to veer right into the deep snow to avoid hitting it. 

After passing me, the man in the truck paused and watched as I tried to pull forward and then backward. He drove off just as I got out to see that the snow on the passenger side was almost up to the hood and ran the length of the truck. 

We were stuck, and the other truck was gone. 

I looked in the back of the borrowed truck and was thankful to find a pair of heavy gloves on the otherwise sunny day. This was going to take a while, and I hadn't planned on being outside. There wasn't a shovel, but there was a plastic two or three-person sled in the back. I pulled out the sled and started digging out the front tire. When I tried to go forward or backward, the tires just spun in the powdery snow. I took a break from scooping to show my daughter how to snap off the tops of bushes sticking out of the snowbank across the road. I piled the branches on the powdery snow under the front tire for traction.

I continued to shovel out the truck with the sled, and I realized that I needed something lighter if I was going to finish the job. Usually, my husband takes care of any car needs, but as I walked around the back of the truck, I felt like a strong Alaskan woman. It was a beautiful sunny evening, and the sun was going to take a while to set. My daughter continued breaking off branches for the tires, and I felt a sense of determination as I realized, "We can do this."

I saw an empty box from a 12 pack of sparkling water in the back of the truck, and I dropped it on the ground and intended to crush it with my winter boot. As my foot came down on top of it, both of my feet went out from under me on the icy hill. I felt my forehead and cheekbones hit the ice with the weight and force of my whole body behind them, and I felt my face smash flat on the ice. It happened so fast; I didn't even put my hands out.

My cousin, a nurse practitioner, says I go "crazy calm" in emergencies. It's true. It's like time slows down for me. I won't tell you all the gory examples, but they are impressive, even to me.

I couldn't have just done that without breaking my nose, I thought.

I was slightly dazed as I pinched my nose to stop the gushing blood. I couldn't see through all the blood, so I closed my eyes when I saw my daughter walking toward me. 

"I need you to turn the truck off. Get my cell phone from the front seat and the towel from the back seat." 

Amazingly my daughter acted as calmly as I was despite my racing heart and all the blood. She did all I asked quickly. Later, she told me she wasn't scared.

"We are going to walk down toward the highway, and when we have cell service, tell me, and I'll call for help."

I was shaking slightly and taking big breaths as we walked. My forehead stung from the wet blood on it in the cold. 

"We have two bars," she said.

I took the phone and saw that it was at 3%! I called my friend, praying that she would answer the phone. She is often busy. She knew what road I was on, and my husband had never been there before. Praise God! She answered the phone. 

"Tell Jerry to come get me."

"Robin, what's wrong?"

"Think I broke my nose. I fell on the ice, and the truck is stuck in the snow. My cell phone is almost dead."

She hung up and called my husband, and I got a text a minute later.

He's on his way.

We continued to walk down toward the highway until we saw a truck headed up the hill toward us. I waved at him, and he pulled to a stop.

By now, we were about half a mile from our truck, and it was out of sight. 

The man was traveling alone and looked like one of the rugged Fairbanks residents that lived in a dry cabin (with no running water) all year. In his early thirties, he had a beard that touched his chest and looked like he hadn't brushed his teeth in a couple of weeks. 

"My truck is stuck in the snow, and I slipped on the ice. I think I broke my nose."

"Let's see what we can do," he replied.

He headed up the hill while my daughter and I walked back up. I don't think he asked if I wanted a ride, and I wouldn't have wanted to climb in his vehicle anyway. 

When we got up the hill to the truck, I explained that I didn't have a shovel; all I had was a sled to dig. The man popped a cigar in his mouth and picked up the sled. 

"You can sit in my truck if you're light-headed. It's warm," he stated.

I sat in my truck, which was also warm.

I climbed into the drivers' side, still pinching my nose with the towel. Every time I tried to let go, it would begin bleeding again. I held the top of my head with my other hand at the intense aching pain there.

Thank God for kind strangers! He had me scooped out in 20 minutes. We were on the road headed back toward town when I came upon my husband. I flicked my lights at him as the sun had continued to set in slow Alaskan style. I pulled over long enough to roll down the window and tell him I was going to the ER. He followed me there. Later, he said that it scared him when he saw me.

As I bumped my way down the icy highway toward town, I realized that my nose definitely hurt, but it probably wasn't broken. I also become aware that the place where my forehead stung in the cold began to hurt more, and I probably had a gash under the thick blood. 

Praise God for a kind nurse and NO broken nose! Five stitches and a concussion discussion later, and I was FINALLY on my way home to bed before midnight.

A week later, I still feel like a sleepy Frankenstein with an aversion to light, but I will be fine.

Events like this make me wonder. 

Was this just an incident of life? Maybe. 

Was this Satan trying to hinder a ministry? Maybe. 

Did God send help? Definitely.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:9

TRIAL - Justice & Mercy for the Children?

Today was life as usual for all our kids. They jumped on the trampoline in the yard. They played foot tag in the living room, and right now, I can hear them downstairs laughing and giggling as they watch a Pixar cartoon.

On the other hand, I am emerging from a heavy, numb sadness after the trial this week. I called into our foster children's trial to terminate their parents’ parental rights for a couple of days earlier this week.

The disturbing testimonies and the mention of 82 pages of police reports of domestic violence faxed to the judge made me realize how distorted our foster kids' reality is and how much they were trained to hide. They all love their parents, are very loyal to whatever their parents want, and they all believe that they would be safe if they went home to their parents.

While the children have been in foster care this time, Child Services sent out about 70 letters to each side of the family, and no one expressed an interest in guardianship or adoption over the last year and a half. Now that termination is likely; the judge ordered that a couple of specific family members (with criminal records) and a family friend be contacted to see if they are interested in taking the children. Apparently, "variances (exceptions) are made all the time to place children with family members with criminal records to maintain the family," one social worker explained.

It will take at least 45 days for child services to look into the families and for the families to file paperwork and pass a home inspection. Again, we return to the waiting place - not knowing what our family will look like this summer. Our plans to purchase tickets to visit family for my parents' 50th Anniversary are again postponed until we see if we will need to buy five or eleven airline tickets. As a side note, I discovered when I tried to purchase tickets online that we are officially a "group." I was prompted on various reservation sites to call the 1-800 to book group travel.

While none of the children will be going home anytime soon, the judge is deciding which children, if any, he will terminate parental rights on. I was shocked when the court wanted to know the children's opinion on whether or not the older children want their parent's parental rights terminated before the final decision is made. Even if the children had not been controlled by fear and manipulation, this seems a horrible decision to burden a child with - like asking if they wanted their parents to get divorced. Is the court trying to make children feel like it's their fault? Childhood distortions that it is somehow the child's fault are already too common. 

One of our older foster children is anxious about what will become of her mom and all eight children (we only have six of the eight siblings in our home). Another older child seemed like she didn't understand the serious situation by the pleasant look on her face during our heavy discussion. Her receptive language and vocabulary are behind, so I try to check in to make sure she understands.

I told this pleasant child, "I'm having a hard time reading you. Can you tell me what you are thinking or feeling?" 

She shrugged and said, "I just really think that God can bring good out of whatever ends up happening."

Wow. What sobering faith. I need to dig deeper into God's promises and his peace! 

The truth is the kids' mom and dad love them - a lot. Their mom goes "Mama Bear" on every account. I don't believe I would act like her, but I think I would feel the crazy fear and anger she feels if someone tried to take my children away from me. They want their kids back but have been consumed by their addictions and their lack of impulse control. 

Addiction and disfunction have been passed on from generation to generation. The mom says she's "F'ed up,” but she is always quick to tell her kids and everyone else that she loves her kids. We all believe her. But addiction and anger seem to have swallowed her whole like quicksand, and she is not in a place where she wants to or is able to fight its suction. 

"I know my kids. They are good kids. They know I love them. I'M THEIR MOM, and they know I love them. They are good kids." And they are. 

In a time when they were doing better, their parents told the kids to read their Bibles, go to church, pray, and trust God. 

The children are still following this advice, and it has become the source of their resilience and peace. 

The Waiting Place

If someone told me that I would love children enough to adopt them and make them ours forever and that I could also be okay if they move on to another home, I would not have been able to imagine that place of mind. Yet, here I am. It is less than two weeks until termination, and I am amazed that the kids seem content, safe, and even happy in this space of waiting. My husband, I feel entirely content too. I don’t know how to explain it, except that I trust God will work out what needs to happen.

We have six foster children from a family of eight. Some hope to be able to be adopted with their younger siblings that do not live with us. We would love to adopt the six that live with us, which would make us the parents of 10 kids! That is a staggering thought. Nevertheless, it works. We love them, and they all get along so well. Yet, if some of them end up being adopted with their younger siblings, I am okay with that too.

We have been getting all eight kids together for playdates and sleepovers a few times a month, and we hope that will continue even if some of them transition to a new adoptive home. While we wait for the termination of the children’s parent’s parental rights, life continues. The kids are sleeping over at their younger siblings’ foster family’s house tonight, and their little brother will be spending the night here tomorrow night. On the weekends, we have gone hiking as a family. On weekday afternoons, the kids scoop snow off the trampoline to play dodgeball on it. In the evening, the kids play basketball in the house with my husband and tease each other in a fun-loving way that evokes laughter from everyone.

While I would like to know what our family will look like a month or two from now, so we can make travel plans for summer, I don’t want to rush the gift of being in the present. Yesterday, for example, I took the kids through the car wash, and the wonder on their faces and giggles were like children on their first ride at Disneyland! Last night the little one that snuggled up close to me when I read made me feel like her “real” mom. It was a tender moment. Whatever lies ahead, I don’t want to miss any of these memories.

Termination

How do you tell a child that their parents’ rights are going to be terminated?

How do you tell a child that their parents’ rights are going to be terminated? I can’t imagine that there is a right way. I began with a big breath and prayer for wisdom.

One of our foster girls could not contain her grin and excitement about the idea of being adopted, and another began convulsive sobbing. The others looked to an older sibling who started to cry quietly before reacting like her. Another declared, “I don’t want to be adopted!”

As I held our sobbing child, I knew they needed time to process. It is not that they don’t want to live with us. They have been making plans for next school year as if they will never leave our home. The news that they will not be going home has knocked the wind out of them. They don’t know how to process the abandonment-to grieve the loss of their parents and the hope that they will be reunited as a whole family with their parents and younger siblings.

What do you do when children who have fit into your family so easily for the last 14 months say they don’t want to live with you when their parents’ rights are terminated?

I would have guessed this close-knit, affectionate group of six siblings would want to all stay together. However, it’s complicated. I know there are deep connections we don’t see.

Two want to remain in our home, and the others asked to be with their younger siblings or family friends on their own. One of our foster daughters explained that she wants to move into the home with her younger siblings that don’t live with us. She wrote, “I don’t know why I feel the way I do, but that is how I feel.”

As the foster mom, I’m floating, suspending my reaction. I’m trying not to take anything personally. It’s not all about us. In truth, it is not my decision as to whether they remain in our home. The caseworker, children’s attorney, and the judge will decide who may move on from our house. I’m trying not to hold them too closely. They don’t have to be mine to love them.

The time we have together has been good, and I don’t want to cause any secondary rejection as some of them may move on to another home. I want to love them until the end so that they can look back at this time as a positive time in their lives. I want them to be loved and to be okay, wherever they end up. Like I told one of our girls yesterday when I hugged her goodbye as she headed out to play, “If you move out. I will miss you!” The thought of any of them leaving makes my heartache.

Layers of Trust

“But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.”

~ John 14:26 NIV

Recently, I felt uncomfortable with the silent but firm resistance I felt from one of our foster daughters. She seems to be the last one in the family that is emotionally holding herself back from being comfortable in our home. She plays with her siblings and our children, and she is respectful to my husband and me, but there is an invisible wall that she holds firmly about her. She generally avoids making eye contact with me, and she is assertive about wanting to go home to her birth mom when the topic has come up.

As I was praying about helping her feel more comfortable in our home, I was reminded of a conversation about her sibling. This sibling had emotional meltdowns and standoffs about minor requests (to be in a picture, finish cutting two apples, come to dinner, etc.). When asked recently by one of their counselors how this sibling was doing, I realized that the meltdowns and angry standoffs are gone. I shared that this child is waking up early and asking to help me make breakfast. Previously, helping prep a meal caused angry refusal and a total shutdown.

The counselor responded with a knowing smile, “I bet it’s not about the cooking. She likes that one-on-one time with you.”

I was reminded of advice from a veteran teacher before my first day of teaching as a new teacher.

“Get to know the ones that have a reputation for being challenging. Spend the first weeks of school wooing them.”

I looked up “woo.” Synonyms include encourage, court, or pursue. This advice has helped me many times with students and challenging people at work too. When I am intentional about getting to know and acknowledge someone’s interests and strengths individually or in front of others, they become more open to me and I become more understanding of them. I have been able to establish respect that helps both of us through the challenges that arise. Everyone likes to be genuinely respected or liked. 

I realized what I needed to do with our child that has been holding out on allowing herself to be comfortable in our home. I needed to be intentional about getting to know her.

When she asked to go to a salon, I took her. She had always wanted to go to a salon. I had previously avoided asking her to do jobs with me due to her aloof, sometimes iciness toward me. In her defense, she is also shy and quickly chooses chores with her siblings when given the opportunity. Last week, I asked her to help me make homemade rolls (which I hadn’t made in years). The rolls melted in our mouths, and I thanked her for helping. When we sent a couple of our fluffy rolls over to a neighbor, I was sure they knew our foster daughter helped make them.

I have become intentional about including this child in conversations by asking her opinion on little things. Her wall seems to have a window in it now, with shutters that open on occasion. I like what I can see - kindness and affection for her younger siblings, and she very direct when she wants to express herself. She also seems to have a hunger to grow spiritually. She has spent hours absorbed in reading her Bible. Recently, she has begun to make some eye contact with me when I’m talking. When I see her looking out at me, it would be an exaggeration to say I see openness. She is looking at me more without a brooding distrust, and I’ve seen a few smiles. That has to be a good sign, right?

Trust takes time.