Spencer Coursen's Blog, page 2

A Ronin and a Remington: Best Home Security Money Can Buy

It’s 01:10am. Your dog barks. Your motion lights are on. Your security alerts have activated. What’s your plan? What do you do? Where do you go? How do you get there?

This was a test I was forced to take Monday night when some ass-hat thought it would be fun to try and break into my home

Watch this quick 15 second video for an overview and then give this week’s podcast a listen to hear the entire story.

Bad Guys Hate When Home Owners Know This Secret..

For many of us, our homes used to be where we started and ended our day, but now, they have become the home-base and headquarters for all of our life’s many functions:

Kitchens have become schools;

Bedrooms have become offices;

Living rooms have become workshops;

Garages have become our gym;

And because everyone wants their home to be as safe as it can be, questions about home security have become one of the most common concerns I get asked to address whenever I’m talking to single mothers, protective fathers, and first time home buyers. All of them wanting to know the most effective safeguards for making their homes as safe as it can possibly be...

Master the strategies to keep you and your loved ones safe with this home security take aways from threat management expert, Spencer Coursen's upcoming book, THE SAFETY TRAP.

Pre-Order Your Copy Of THE SAFETY TRAP Today!

Available Everywhere May 18th

Learn A Secret Insight About Safety At Your Favorite Stores

In my book The Safety Trap, I talk about how one of the most common “trappings” that gets a lot of people into trouble is the false sense of security which sometimes stems from an improper framing of our own EXPECTATION -- where we may be expecting things to perform one way, when they are actually intended to work in a completely different fashion.

Let me give you an example...

Five Protective Strategies For Stopping Stalkers In Their Tracks

The past few weeks have served as an unfortunate reminder to the real-world dangers which have been lying in wait for our return to normal. Active shooters, aggravated grievance, political attacks, and then this week, stalking concerns confronting public figures re-emerged as stark reminders to yet other dangers we will all be forced to contend with as our world reopens and our society slowly but surely does its best to get back on track. 

But stalking is not a problem limited to the extravagant lifestyles of the rich and the famous. In fact, those public figure stalking concerns encompass only a very small percentage of the overall stalking cases. This means that those most likely to be targeted by these intra-species predators are the everyday people themselves. 

For every case of a public figure being targeted by inappropriate pursuit, there are exponentially more concerns like what happened this week in Oklahoma, where a 

man was arrested after he attempted to abduct a former colleague he had been stalking for over a month. 

Given this, I want to provide five protective strategies that those who are impacted by stalking concerns could have readily available to help them prepare today for a safer tomorrow.

But before we dig down into these protective strategies, I think it would also be helpful to recognize the difference in the kind of stalking concerns that celebrities, luminaries, and public figures are most likely to be pursued by are not necessarily the same kind of inappropriate pursuer that most people will be forced to face. 

By and large, those who pursue and stalk public figures have serious mental illness -- in fact more than 80% of them do. This is a drastic difference than those predators who stalk individuals with whom they covet as part of their everyday lives. Less than 7% of these stalkers are diagnosed with a serious mental illness. This is not to say that they are not “troubled” so much as it means that they are afflicted with a different type of emotional and mental immaturity that allows them to justify a pattern of behavior that would otherwise be viewed as being far outside the realm of acceptable social behavior. 

Understanding the Motivation of a Stalker

Simple Obsessional: This is the most common type of stalker and typically involves a male stalking an intimate partner who they believe is planning to leave them or who has already left them. The stalker is unable to move on from the relationship. In rarer scenarios, the stalking may be directed toward someone with whom the stalker had no intimate relationship, but there was a close personal connection which the stalker believes was violated, or was in some way mistreated, wronged, or the cause of some other unresolved grievance.

Love Obsessional: In this type of stalking, the stalker is either a complete stranger or only casually known by the person being targeted. In order to “make themselves known,” the stalker becomes obsessed and begins a pattern of behavior as a means of making the victim aware of his or her existence. High profile examples of this type of stalking include when celebrities or public figures become the target. However, with the advent of social media, this type of stalking can be directed toward anyone with whom the predator has an infatuation.

Erotomania: In this type of stalking, the stalker incorrectly believes that their target is in love with them, and if not for some external barrier or interference, the two of them would be together. These perceived obstacles only exist in the mind of the stalker, but realities may fuel delusion. The target is married, therefore, her spouse is “holding her prisoner and she must be rescued.” Or, her parents would never approve of us, so they must be removed. This is a critical variable to consider since the stalker may also pose a risk to those persons close to the victim who may be viewed as "being in the way.”

Forecast vs Prediction

Despite a general understanding of what may have motivated a stalker to begin the inappropriate pursuit of their victim, there is still no way to predict what they will do and when. No two stalking cases are identical just as no two cases of heart disease are identical. But what both do have are the known dynamics that are most likely to end in a harmful consequence. So, just as the doctor may be able to assess a person’s high blood pressure and high cholesterol and determine that a heart attack is likely, it would be impossible for that same doctor to predict with accuracy when that heart attack will take place. The same assessment protocol takes place with threat management. The patterns and escalation in predatory practices may indicate a high degree of lethality, yet predicting the time and date of that violent act would not be possible. 

This is exactly why both professions take the warning signs very seriously, prescribing best practices for making those bad things better. 

With that being said, here are the five best protective strategies for stopping a stalker so that you can prepare today for a safer tomorrow. 

Special thanks also to Chuck Randolph, Senior Director of Operations and Intelligence for AT-RISK International who joined me on the Coursen’s Corner podcast this week to discuss these protective strategies. You can hear our conversation in the clips below each section for why these take-aways are so important to stopping a stalker in their tracks.

#1. “Call stalking by its name”

If we choose to ignore today’s concerns, we will be forced to face tomorrow’s crises. Call the demons by their name, for only then can they be cast away. Give yourself permission to participate in your own protection. Sometimes the first step to managing a threat is to simply acknowledge that the risk is real. You may even notice that by doing so opens up the floodgates -- both mentally and physically -- for you to participate in your own protection ... all because you gave yourself permission to do so.

#2. “Document everything”

Write down everything that has happened leading up to this exact moment and then document everything that happens from that point forward. Do not block phone numbers. Do not block them on social media. Don’t do anything that may escalate this concern into a game of cat and mouse. The more information you can document, the more able your advocates will be to protect and defend you. Take screen shots, make voice notes, whatever information you have available should be documented as if you are journaling a historical record ... because that is exactly what you need to do. If you call the police because there is a guy sitting outside your house, and that’s all the information they have to go on, there is not much they can do to help you. But, if you show them that the guy in the truck is the same guy who got fired because he couldn’t take no for an answer, has been calling and texting you ten times a day, who started sending gifts to your home two weeks ago, and then started leaving gifts in person at your door step this week, and that same guy is now sitting in his truck outside your home ... that is a pattern of behavior deserving of police intervention. 

3. “Ask for help”

The help will find you if you ask for it, but that help cannot find you if you do not ask for assistance. There are plenty of advocacy and support programs whose sole purpose for existence is to help good people make bad things better. These organizations are here to help you. These organizations can help you get the help you need, but they can only help those who ask for their assistance. Do not try to do this alone. Do not think for one second that any of this was your fault, or that you did something to cause this. This is NOT your fault. You are not alone. There are good people waiting to help you ... all you have to do is to ask.

#4. “Reduce your vulnerability”

Audit yourself with honesty. Where are you most at risk? Recruit local assets like the security guards at work or your job’s human resources team. The more eyes you have looking out for you, the safer you will be, and the more information you will be able to document for your file. Do whatever you can to be proactive in your own protection. Maintain a healthy sense of skepticism and a moderate dose of vigilance so that you can help yourself stay as safe and protected as possible.

#5. “Decide if legal action is necessary”

If the concern has not resolved itself, you may want to take legal action by filing a restraining order or asking the police to make an arrest so that your stalker can be charged with stalking, criminal harassment, or some other charge. It is considered best practice to follow the sage wisdom and guidance of the team helping you to manage your concern toward its most favorable resolution, but ultimately, the choice is yours. So, trust your gut, and defend yourself at all times. And don’t ever feel guilty for taking the necessary precautions or the proactive decisions to ensure the certainty of your safety. 

Top Ten Misconceptions About Staying Safe

When it comest to staying safe, it’s not what you don’t know that can get you into trouble. It’s what you think you know for certain, that just isn’t so.

After every viral video of violence or breaking news story of tragic consequence, there is often an immediate and exponential increase in social anxiety over just how safe we really are. But perhaps one of the reasons the anxiety over our inability to keep ourselves and our loved ones protected is at an all-time high, is because our understanding of what it means to stay safe, is at an all-time low. 

To help course-correct this deficiency, and aid in our collective effort to ensure our certainty of safety, I was happy to be joined by Jason Brick, host of the YouTube channel “Safest Family on the Block.”

Together, we identified our “Top 10 Misconceptions About Safety” and then talked through some of the reasons behind these misconceptions, how they can contribute to a "false sense of security,” and how you can then use this newfound understanding to help you and your family live your very best life in the safest way possible.

Author’s note: These are in no particular order other than the order in which they appear. Totality of circumstance and scenario are different for everyone. 

#1. “Safety and Security mean the same thing.”

Safety and security are often used interchangeably, as if they mean the same thing. This can be a losing proposition. The best way to think about the difference is to think about an umbrella. The canopy that blocks the rain and keeps us from getting wet -- that’s security. Security is therefore the safeguard that helps prevent a known risk from ever becoming a reality. Safety, however, is how we feel knowing the that provisions of security are working in-line with our expectation. When the umbrella is performing properly, we feel safe we won’t get wet. In other words. “Safety” is a feeling. “Security” is a state of being. 

#2. “Stranger = Danger”

Children have a difficult time understanding the concept of nuance. “Stranger Danger” is one of those rhymes that sounds clever and is easy to remember, but it ultimately does more harm than good. If your child is separated, lost, and requires immediate help, they need to know they have your permission to participate in their own protection. What we should really should be saying is, “Stranger danger is a one-way street.” Which is to say that, while it is wildly inappropriate for an adult to ask a child for help, it is perfectly acceptable for a child to ask an adult for help. (You can learn more about The Safety Trap of “Over-Protecting Children here)

#3. “The police are responsible for my personal safety.”

“Protect and Serve” is a motto readily identifiable with the service ethos of police departments around the country, but it is important to understand the mandate of the police is to “public” safety and not your “personal” safety. In fact, this very common misconception was so misunderstood that it required a court ruling: “Law enforcement agencies and personnel have no duty to protect individuals from the criminal acts of others; instead their duty is to pre- serve the peace and arrest law breakers for the protection of the general public.”*  -- * Lynch v. NC Dept. of Justice, 376 SE 2nd 247 (NC App. 1989).  What does this mean for you? It means the police will prioritize the safety of your community over the safety of you as individual. And this is an important variable to be contemplated before putting our own emergency response plan into action. 

#4. “The biggest risk to my personal safety is violent crime.”

When the 24 hour news cycle and our social media feeds exploit our anxiousness in order to instigate our engagement it can be easy to get so caught up in the possible that we lose sight of the probable. But the truth is, most of us will live our lives in relative peace. Most of us will never experience an active shooter situation. Most of us will never be caught-up in the throws of a terror concern, or be kidnapped, or held hostage. In fact, the vast majority of us will never experience any of the concerns which may contribute to our everyday anxiety about the risks were are most likely to face. Truth be told, the number one threat to your personal safety is heart disease. Then it’s cancer. After that, it’s in-the-home accidents like falls, fires. kitchen injuries, drowning, and the accidental consumption of poison. So, if you’re really concerned about your personal safety, start drinking more water, eating better foods, and doing your best to become more active in your everyday life.

#5. “I don’t need to worry about safety, because I already know what to do.”

Be careful to not fall victim to The Safety Trap of “Overconfidence.” Truth is, many of us are poorly “calibrated” when it comes to our ability. Which means it is very important that we audit ourselves with honesty. What do I mean by calibration? If you and I were to go to the batting cages, and you predicted that you would hit “about half” of the first ten pitches that came across the plate, and then you went out and hit five or six out of those ten pitches, you would be well calibrated. But if you only hit two or three, your overconfidence would have had a direct impact on your calibration. Overconfidence can have a negative impact on our health, our wealth, and ever our own success. And if we do not learn how to keep our confidence in check, we may very well sabotage our own safety as well. 

#6. “The people in charge of security have my best interests in mind.”

This particular misconception falls squarely into the realm of The Safety Trap of “Expectation.” This occurs when we believe things are being done to serve one purpose, but they are really there to service another. For example, it may be easy to expect that a school security plan will prioritize the safety of the students, but in reality, many schools choose to instead focus on “accountability” more than they do “survivability.” Another common misconception is walking into a store and seeing all of the cameras, and scanners, and security officers and then thinking, “Wow...this place must be pretty safe.” In reality, those safeguards are not in place to keep you safe. Those safeguards are in place to protect the product first, and to monitor the activities of their employees second. To the extent those security features may add some additional benefit to investigators after a violent crime has occurred, that would honestly be more of a happy coincidence than intended design. 

#7. “Having a security alarm means your home will always be protected.”

The job of a security system is not to prevent someone from breaking-in but rather to alert you to the fact that someone is trying to break-in. Which means, the most important aspect of having a home security system, is leveraging the added time it provides to activate your family’s emergency response plan, and get your family to safety. What you do not want to have happen is to fall into The Safety Trap of “Alarm Fatigue” where the alerts and tones of your home security system to become akin to the car alarm going off down the street -- where you hear the alarm, but then pay it no mind because it has “cried wolf” so many times before.

#8. “A gun is the best home security money can buy.”

Of all of the things you can do to keep yourself and your family protected, buying a gun is not even in the top ten things I would recommend. If the security of your home is so deficient so as to be a critical concern, I would recommend you buy a dog instead, because a gun will only get you dead. Without a doubt, a well-trained dog is the best home security money can buy. Early notification, deterrence, and physical protection all in one. Now, as a caveat -- and as a combat veteran, second amendment advocate, and gun owner myself -- I would never tell someone that they should not exercise their right to bear arms. That said, gun ownership comes with a lot of responsibility -- the least of which are proper licensing, continuous training, safe storage, and proper mindset. In my professional experience, the number one argument against the everyday citizen effectively using a handgun in a high-stress-self-defense scenario, is to simply watch how clumsy someone gets whenever they try to take a selfie with their favorite celebrity. Because if most people are that clumsy, chaotic, and unable to control their own basic motor function with the very same phone they use everyday of their life, the introduction of a firearm into that same set of circumstance would most certainly end in disaster. Bottom line: self defense tools are fine, but a self defense mindset is better. 

#9. “My neighbors have nicer things so they are more at-risk.”

This is what I refer to as The Safety Trap of “False Equivalence.” When we are evaluating our risks, we have a tendency to compare our own situation to that of other people in our social orbit. If we have a nice house, but we don’t have the nicest house on the street, we may incorrectly predict our risk to be lower than that of our neighbor. If we have a nice car, but our neighbor has a nicer car, we may falsely believe that their car is much more likely to be targeted for theft than our own. But in almost every circumstance, we would be wrong. When it comes to being targeted for a crime, what we think has nothing to do with it. What matters most is the perception of what other people believe to be true. More important than how wealthy you are, is how wealthy other people believe you to be. Moreover, the fact that you may not be in the fanciest house or have the newest car may suggest to would be offenders that you may be the easier, more successful target, because you may be inherently less vigilant about protecting something of lesser comparative value. At the end of the day, the single most influential factor of target selection is “likelihood of success.” So, the more you are able to promote enough of a protective posture for a bad guy to believe they will be successful targeting someone else, than in targeting you, the safer you will be. 

#10. “My child is too young to learn about safety.” 

It is always better to have the safety talk too soon rather than too late. It doesn’t matter if the concern is about inappropriate touching, homelessness, mental health, or safe sex. As soon as something is ripe for your child to recognize, it’s time to have the talk. Too many parents want to believe their own anxieties are irrational, and that their child, “couldn’t possibly be that old already.” Trust your instincts. If the risk is high enough to give you anxiety, it’s time to make your child aware of that real world risk. Truth is, there is a very high likelihood that by the time you consider having a conversation with your child about a safety-related issue, your child has not only thought about the issue you may be hesitant to discuss, but they have also very likely had some worry about that very same issue. The earlier you are able to establish that no fears are foolish, and position yourself as a trusted source of information for their questions, the more likely they are to seek your sage counsel for years to come. (See also: “Top 5 Protective Strategies For Ensuring Child Safety”)

The Safety Trap of "Shirking Responsibility"

If the storming of the Capitol Building on January 6th was a lesson learned in not taking seriously the threat of political unrest, then the April 2nd attack -- where a man rammed his vehicle into a barricade and killed a Capitol Police officer -- should shine a bright “Bat Signal” in the sky warning about the cataclysmic impact a year spent in isolation and quarantine has had on all of us, but especially those inflicted with serious mental illness.

Atlanta two weeks ago.

Colorado last week.

DC this week. 

We can have the gun debate. We can advocate to take away kitchen knives. We can even legislate our way down the rabbit hole until we are taking away the toothpicks in the lunch line, but until we stop treating the symptoms of mental health and we start focusing on an underlying cure, these tragic events will continue. 

But society loves to shirk responsibility. It’s easier to kick the can down the road and make it someone else’s problem. Not since the presidency of Eisenhower have we had a political system that rewarded short-term sacrifice for long-term solutions. But how many more people will have to die before our political leadership decides to do what’s right? We know we have the capability, but what we need to find ... is the will.

I mean... if we can find a vaccine to COVID-19 in record time, then I would love to see our political leaders champion a cure for those who are suffering from serious mental illness with the same urgency.

We didn’t start the fire

I hated the past year of being in quarantine: I hated being isolated from family and friends -- and spending the most consecutive nights in my own bed since … I don’t know … probably college. However, it was at least nice to not have to hear about another school shooting taking place week after week ... or a terror attack ... or a bombing. Or some other form of harm.

I guess a global pandemic killing millions was enough to help keep the crazy at bay for a while. But it seems as though that crazy side of our society was immune to the COVID virus.

And it would be foolish for us to believe that the vaccine we’re all waiting to receive will do anything to cure these ills of our society.

Because the truth is, with each day the pandemic continued, those grievances and illnesses and frustrations only grew. And so we cannot be surprised when one of them finally deteriorated the release valve to their sense of self, and then finding no other outlet, they finally blew.

The safeguards we implemented to protect us from the Pandemic may have done more harm than good. They may have hurt us more than we may have realized it would. 

We, as humans. are social creatures. We need to socialize. To interact. To communicate. To see and be seen. And quarantine isolated all of us ... from all of that. 

This year-long lockdown we’ve all been in has escalated and exacerbated domestic violence, alcohol abuse, drug addiction, child abuse, and it has had a detrimental impact on our mental health. 

And great as it is to finally see some light at the end of our collective dark tunnel …

As wonderful as it is that the vaccine rollout is helping us to heal …

As optimistic as it seems that we may actually get to enjoy this coming summer at sandy beaches and pool parties and backyard barbecues with the company and companionship so many of has crave …

We need to all be sure we’re not so over-eager to return to those past practices that put us in harm’s way in the first place.

Bottom line here is this: 

As our world returns to normalcy, we must also caution against a return to complacency.

Shirking of Our Responsibility

One of the key take-aways I talk about in The Safety Trap is the problem our society has with shirking responsibility. 

The number-one reason we are all so willing to shirk our responsibility basically boils down to the fact that we do not want to be blamed for a bad outcome. Just like the childhood game of musical chairs, no one wants to be left standing alone when the music stops. Responsibility means taking ownership, and taking ownership often means taking on the burden of hard work. 

And so, personal responsibility has become the broken crutch by which we prop up our moral high ground. We say we will step up when something really matters, but in the back of our minds, we know we won’t. Our intentions are often at their highest when the situation is at its most hypothetical.

No one wants to risk taking that important first step for fear of failure. So instead, we opt to do nothing. Fooled by the notion we cannot lose if we do not play, in doing so, we seal a forlorn fate. 

And then something else happens. And we say we’ll be better. We say we’ll do more.  But we don’t. Once again we are ensnared by the safety trap of our own false sense of security. Our fears have been abated, but the risk remains.

The Safety Trap of “Shirking Responsibility” by Spencer Coursen

And as the tragedies in Atlanta, Georgia and Boulder, Colorado, and Washington, D.C. remind us: we do sometimes live in a dangerous world.

But this does not mean we should be forced to live our lives in fear.

Truth is:

We can no longer afford to live in a world where we simply hope that nothing will happen, and then solely rely on the first responders to save us when something does.

We must be willing to participate in our own safety.

Awareness + Preparation = Safety

One of the reasons the anxiety over our inability to keep ourselves and our loved ones protected is at an all-time high is because our understanding of what it means to stay safe is simultaneously at an all-time low.

One of the things my global experience has proven time and time again is that when we don’t expect to see danger, we simply fail to see the warning signs that something bad is about to happen. But the warning signs are always there. Staying safe is about training yourself to see them.

All of us have been in a similar situation. How often have you been walking barefoot in our own home and then… OUCH! We stub our toe on some random toy. But that toy on the floor didn’t just appear out of nowhere. It was right there clear as day. We just didn’t see it because we weren’t expecting to see it.

Real world harm happens exactly the same way.

We don’t stub our toe on the things we notice. We stub our toe on the things we don’t.

If we want these tragic events to end we must take responsibility to help those who are hurting.

In the aftermath of tragic outcomes, we are time and time and time again forced to contend with the reality that these violent offenders do not just “snap.”

They do not just wake up one day and decide to break bad.

But what they do display are the behavioral anomalies which are consistent with the pathway toward violence.

And as I say in The Safety Trap, these mass violence attacks will continue until we, as a society, as family, and as friends take an active role in helping those who are hurting.

Because, sometime our willingness to help another is the first step to saving ourselves.

Every day safety requires the participation of everyone.

And a healthy sense of skepticism and a moderate dose of vigilance is a very small price to pay for the liberties and freedoms which flow so freely from peace.

Conversations in Close Protection Podcast with Chris Story and Charles Randolph

Conversations in Close Protection Podcast

with Chuck Story and Charles Randolph

It was a true honor to have been invited onto the #CiCP podcast with Chris Story, MBA and Charles Randolph — two of the premier thought leaders in the close protection and protective intelligence sphere of influence. I've been a big fan of their podcast for more than a year now, and each time I listen, I learn something new. I hope my participation in this episode of their podcast will provide the same for you.

Work. Sweat. WIn.

—Spencer Coursen

 

“From the US Military to ‘Actor’ to Threat Management: Spencer Coursen and The Safety Tra‪p‬”

Alone and Afraid, Would Your Child Know How To Ask For Help?

The following is an excerpt from Chapter #8 of The Safety Trap, “Overprotecting Children”

What Happened

I spent a few years as the detail leader for a public figure and his family in New York City. The family had two young children, and we would often attend events that were being hosted in Central Park. After one such occasion, my team and I were escorting the family through the park as the family was walking back to their apartment. My assistant team leader (ATL) was walking point when he was approached by a frantic and near-hysterical woman. “Are you police? I can’t find my daughter.”

As any mother would be, my client’s wife was immediately engaged and asked if there was anything we could do to help. The woman told us that they had been visiting the nearby Central Park Zoo. She had been talking to a friend on her phone while her daughter walked beside her, and then—just like that—she was gone. Given the high profile of my cli- ent, we had a good working relationship with the NYPD, and they often provided us with the contact information for the mobile command center that would be overseeing the safety of the event we would be attending.

We had only just left the event about twenty minutes prior, so I knew the mobile command center would still be in position. I called the command center to initiate an Amber Alert while my ATL interviewed the woman to retrieve whatever relevant information would help the police in their efforts. Fortunately, the mother had taken some photos of her daughter while they were at the zoo, so we had an excellent physical description of her daughter and the outfit she was wearing to share with the command center. The NYPD command center immediately put out a BOLO (Be On the Look Out) to their officers.

Most missing children are found very quickly after they go missing. A child who goes missing in a grocery store is often found in the candy aisle a few rows over. A child who goes missing at a theme park will often be found wandering over by whatever attraction they find most enticing. Un- fortunately, there are other times when the outcome is far less fortunate. Given the emotional investment by my client’s wife and the uncertainty of how this particular concern would be resolved, the family decided that my client and the two children would continue home with my ATL and another one of our team members, while I stayed behind with his wife to offer whatever support we would be able to provide to the mother.

The family said their goodbyes, and since the Central Park Zoo was an easily recognizable and equally likely point of return for the daughter, we decided to retrace the mother’s steps back in that direction. Twenty minutes later, we were back at the zoo and there was no sign of the daughter. The mother was growing more and more frantic. I can’t imagine what was going through her head, but the expression on her face was that of gut-wrenching terror.

To help quell the mother’s nervous energy, we decided to circle the zoo. When we were halfway around, my phone rang. It was the police. They had found her daughter sitting on a bench on the other side of the park. She was scared but safe. The police put the daughter on the phone as I handed the mother mine. She was half sobbing and half trying to choke back her own tears as we walked toward where her daughter had been found.

I have seen a lot of reunions in my day, but that one was especially emotional. The daughter burst into tears as she jumped into her mother’s arms. I thanked the police for their help. We shook hands. The mother was hugging everyone while the daughter monkey-hugged her mother for dear life. She wouldn’t be letting go for a while.

While the mother had been on the phone, the daughter had simply wandered off. She thought she knew the way home, but then when she realized that her mother was nowhere to be found and nothing looked familiar, she tried to find her way back until she realized she was lost. She walked until she found a safe place to sit down, and then she just sat there. When her mother asked her why she didn’t ask anyone for help, the daughter gave the most self-defeating answer her mother could hear: “I wanted to, but you told me to never talk to strangers.” Then she started to cry again. Through her tears, she sobbed, “Everyone was a stranger.”

PROTECTIVE PREPAREDNESS

Children have a difficult time understanding the concept of nuance. Stranger danger is one of those catchy rhymes that both sounds good and is easy to remember, but it really does more harm than good. If your child is separated from you but requires immediate help, they need to know they have the right to participate in their own protection. What we should re- ally be saying is, “Stranger danger is a one-way street.” While it is wildly inappropriate for an adult to ask a child for help, it is perfectly acceptable for a child to ask an adult for help. The world is full of good, decent, hard- working people who will do almost anything to help a young child in obvious need. Now, if a man in a van says that he has lost his puppy and needs help to find him, that is not okay. But if your child is alone and afraid, they should know that it is okay to get help from strangers. What you do not want is for your child to have an emergency where no one they know is around to help and they don’t know what to do. How can children know which adults are okay to ask for help and which adults are not okay?

The Three Fs of Family, Food, and Flags are good reminders for where children can go to get help:

FAMILIES: Any adult with a child or young children is okay to ask for help.

FOOD: Anywhere food is being served or sold is a good place to ask for help. If a child is lost in the park and they see someone sell- ing ice cream, that adult is okay to ask for help. Those selling food are checked and inspected prior to being given a permit. If your child is ever in trouble and they don’t know where to go, run to a restaurant.

FLAGS: Flags are friendly. Anyone with a flag on their uniform is okay to ask for help. The same goes for any building that has a flag in the front yard—like a post office, a library, school, or firehouse. These are all places which can be trusted, and your child should know that it is okay for them to ask for help if they are alone and scared.

—Spencer Coursen

Copyright © 2021 by Coursen Security Group, LLC

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Interested in learning more about keeping your children as protected as possible? The Safety Trap is your how-to-guide to help them live their very best life the safest way possible. Pre-Order your copy today. Available everywhere May 18th.

Spencer Coursen -- The Safety Trap -- LIVE on "Break It Down Show"

Had a fun conversation with Pete A Turner and Shelley Klingerman talking all things safety on the “Break It Down Show.” You can give it a watch via the link below.

Domestic Shelters and Helping Others: A Conversation with Amanda Kippert, Domestic Violence Advocate

On this weeks’s podcast I had the pleasure of speaking with Amanda Kippert, Editorial Director of Domestic Shelters — which hosts the only comprehensive online directory of domestic violence shelters throughout the United States and Canada.

Amanda wears many hats: advocate; editor; journalist; podcast host. All of them are in support one mission, which is to help those impacted by Domestic Violence to free themselves from the confines of harm, and to then survive and thrive in their lives from that day forward.

Regardless if you are impacted by this concern yourself, a survivor of past abuse, or know someone who is currently at-risk, this conversation is one which may very well help to save a life.

Onward. Upward.

—Spencer Coursen