Faith Larson's Blog

Political Apathy in an Age of Change: Coping with Emotional Burnout in the Age of Wokeness

As a member of Generation Z (I was born in 2000), I was born into the age of activism. This isn’t to say that other generations, especially those who lived during the turbulent times of the Stonewall riots and early feminism, did not experience activism. That activism was necessary to create change; all activism serves a purpose and free speech should be encouraged, however there are issues with living in an age of mandatory activism.

I say “mandatory” because in Gen Z ‘culture’ there is an expectation of constant activism. This goes beyond exercising free speech and enters a realm of pandering, reminiscent of the black squares on Instagram, a movement that Black Lives Matter activists said afterwards negatively affected the movement, since it flooded out all posts that were educational about the movement and instead because a flood of black screens posted by mostly white teenagers. (https://www.cnn.com/2020/06/02/us/blackout-tuesday-black-lives-matter-instagram-trnd/index.html)

In an age of performative activism, societal rule dictates the masses opinion on the tiniest details, movements such as Black Lives Matter become entangled with Body Positivity which becomes entangled with movements about Islamaphobia and so forth, a hivemind of shared beliefs that, if you deviate on a single one, label you as a ‘bigot’ despite you agreeing with the vast majority of public opinion and believing in equality.

For the record, I am a liberal leaning, left leaning independent. I’m sure many of you imagine me being a stereotypical secret racist who equates free speech with the right to spew hate with no consequence, but that is my point all together. The public opinion seems to be that you are either an activist, or a traitor. “Silence is Violence” is a common phrase that I do, for the record, understand the meaning of. Those of us in a position of privilege are in the best position to stand up for others. And I do, when the time presents itself. I’ve done my fair share of arguing with strangers on the internet in the defense of others and educating friends on their incorrect interpretations of past history.

The problem is that me, and plenty of other Gen Z people, are mentally exhausted. Waves of negativity in the media and pressure for constant activism grows continuously as the world grows more turbulent politically. Every moment of self care becomes an “act of violence” if you pay attention to the Twitter community (which for your mental health I hope you are not too big of a user on).

The whole point of my article is to remind you that being born does not mean you need to spend every moment of your life fighting injustice, especially if you go along with whatever the popular opinion is and disregard your own opinions and feelings. You can agree with one movement and disagree with another popular one, this doesn’t make you a monster. It makes you a human with individual needs and thoughts, somebody conditioned by what they’ve seen rather than what the internet tells them to fight for.

You can do both. You can fight for movements you agree with and take a day off to watch television and eat nachos. You don’t have to be shot in the eye with a teargas canister every Friday night to justify your existence as an American. If your mental health is in shambles, take care of yourself before you try to change the world. Mentally unstable activists who don’t prioritize themselves as individuals and hive mind whatever the popular opinion is are the ones who created the stereotype of “woke” teenagers who are unable to have a real conversation without consulting the internet. Do both, do better, and remember that mental burnout is real, legit, and it doesn’t make you a failure to say “ef this” and focus on your mental and emotional health first before moving on to bigger, better things.

Faith Larson is a horror author, blogger, and Youtuber. You can find her on Instagram or Twitter @Idiocyreleased

How Too Many Choices Left Us All With Major Commitment Issues.

Like many other people, I have great difficulty choosing a show on Netflix. I remember when I was younger with cable television; and before that I only had the local stations that fizzled in and out of static. Back then, I would be forced to accept whatever was playing at that time. If it was Judge Judy or the news or America’s Got Talent I would have to choose to either continue watching or come back later to see if I had better luck. 

     Now with all of the choices available, my challenge has shifted to committing myself to one show. Sure, the pilot might be interesting, but am I really feeling up for 13 seasons? Then, if I change my mind and don’t finish the series, I’m struck with a weird sense of guilt and dissatisfaction for the time I wasted getting up to season 3 with no resolution to the storyline. 

Or, worse yet, watching a movie with a cliffhanger sends my remote flying out the window with the velocity to behead a misfortunate pigeon. 

     I hesitate to call this a serious problem, given how fortunate I am to have too many choices versus none at all, yet it’s a problem most of us face regardless. It exists in other forms too, through dating apps with hundreds of people at our fingertips, career options that exceed into the thousands, even menus with five times of cheeseburgers. Multiple choices can seem an advancement to some and a brain melting muck of missed opportunities for others. 

     Commitment issues seem to be a larger problem today than they were back when we were more likely to inherit our father’s blacksmith shop or stay home with children. For the record, I’m certainly not saying that us women would be happier if we lived in the days of harsher gender norms, my point is that these choices were not considered our rights as humans. Hundreds of thousands of movies at our fingertips was not an option, what was playing at the time, if you were fortunate enough to own a tv, was what the family settled on that night. If your true love lived in Budapest and you were in Toronto, well…tough cookies. The milkman was single and available that Friday night and the guy in Budapest had no way of knowing you existed.

     The constant fear that there are better options we are not taking leads to dissatisfaction with the choices we make. It can lead to a shaky form of self identity as we question ourselves every which way. Relationships can and often do fail from unfaithfulness spurred on by FOMO, and friendships dwindle from people stretching themselves thin in the hope of meeting cooler, more popular people instead. The idea of settling for good enough is considered the 7th deadly sin as we yearn for better, drowning in our self entitlement as the things which could have made us happy coast by on our quest for GUCCI belts at half off and the one place that offers truly bottomless mimosas without judgemental stares. 

     A bit of a dramatic analogy, sure, but my point is made. There are no perfect options, no television show with nothing to nitpick, no american made mexican food that doesn’t give me intestinal cramps, and no authentic GUCCI belts for fifty percent off that aren’t stolen or damaged. That’s just how it is. It’s life, short and sweet and drowning in options that leave us competing for the finest things that we don’t even use or remember when the next option comes up. 

     Beat the cycle. Choose the randomizer option on Netflix and stick through the whole movie. Chances are that after going for ‘good enough’ several times, you’ll realize that those choices were never that bad to begin with. 

-Faith Larson. 

(You can follow me on Instagram or Twitter @Idiocyreleased for updates on my horror writing career, As always, thank you for reading my ramblings, and I hope you have an awesome day.)

Nobody Can Make Decisions For You: Grappling with Self Doubt and the Internet

One of the most difficult things to accept is that no matter what you do, somebody will always disagree. From something as complicated as who you voted for, down to the simpler matters such as what face wash you use, there will always be articles and arguments leading away from whatever your final decision is.

     I grappled with that a lot as I was growing up. The people around me made light of the concept of ‘subjective truth’, it was either right or wrong and there was no inbetween, and so I wanted to know what the truth was at all times. It wasn’t so much the quest for knowledge as it was me wanting to be on the right side of things, but it became more difficult as I grew older.

     A good example that won’t lead to me being cancelled is Flat Earthers. Despite hundreds of thousands of years of scientific research pointing to the fact that the Earth is round, there are a shocking amount of people who have had a high school education and still believe that the Earth is flat. If you were to debate a Flat Earther long enough, perhaps for weeks on end before you reached this point, there would be a brief moment where you almost understood them. Their argument would call upon you for just a second, whether it was through emotional or berating tactics, and you would wonder whether you were fighting for the wrong side. Then, you’d probably close down Facebook and take a shower while you speculated about the merits of arguing with strangers on the internet-hint: there is none. 

     Humans struggle with wanting to be the smartest and best at all that we do…all the time. Thus there are arguments for and arguments against everything. Once we pick a side it can be hard to change, but also difficult to accept what we’ve chosen without wondering about the other arguments. When germs were first discovered, everyone thought that one guy was nuts, so why is it impossible for us to find out in hundreds of years that the Flat Earthers were correct? So we dig ourselves into a hole, researching and learning and reading the pros and cons until there’s a point where we hardly care at all. 

     It’s easier for those of us who have ‘idols’, politicians and podcast hosts who tell us what to believe and we assume that, because the person who we idolize believes it, it must be true! That’s how we end up with athletes selling us on processed corn products that they sure as hell don’t eat themselves. Running fast doesn’t make somebody a nutritionist or political advisor, but it saves us the trouble of grappling with deciding what side we are going to take on issues. 

     There is a point where we will just have to accept that people will be upset with our decisions, or that there are arguments against whatever we believe. I think that diet is more important than exercise, for example, although there are thousands of articles online claiming that you can eat whatever you want if you workout hard enough. There was a point where I had to turn the computer off and accept what I believed, confident in the fact that there is a point where I’ve done enough research to have an opinion I’m comfortable in.

     There’s nothing wrong with looking into other perspectives, in fact it’s important…to a healthy extent. Your worldviews, product choices, and lifestyle are something that you will have to choose without worrying about making everyone happy, because there is no possible way for that to happen. Unless you just try to believe in everything….but I’m pretty sure that would make your brain explode. 

Thanks for reading! For those just tuning in, I’m Faith Larson, a horror novelist who likes to share her thoughts with the world. You can follow me on Instagram or Facebook @ Idiocyreleased

Dealing With ‘Fear of Missing Out’ on Days Off.

I don’t use a lot of slang, especially internet slang, but there’s a term that I’ve heard a lot and I think it perfectly describes the current crisis social media is giving us.

FOMO: Fear of Missing Out. Picture this….you spent the weekend off from work with your television, two cats and a bucket of fried KFC chicken. You enjoyed it well enough, although hosing the grease off after was an annoyance, and when you’re snug in bed with Mitten and ready to sleep, you check your phone.

Stacey from work posted a three minute long snap story of an art and wine festival she went to with her fiancé Ryan. You don’t even like wine, or understand art, and you definitely don’t like Ryan, but suddenly you’re reevaluating everything you did on your weekend off. She looks beautiful and not like somebody who just ate a bucket of something that she isn’t sure was even chicken halfway through.

It doesn’t matter that you enjoyed it, and that you didn’t have anything else that you needed to do. Now you’re up for an hour wondering why you didn’t go do something more interesting before you’re stuck back at work for the rest of the week. And that’s exactly what’s happening to most of the population, as we’re being faced with endless knowledge about what our friends and strangers are doing at almost all moments of the day.

The worst thing about FOMO is that it doesn’t care if your other friends and coworkers spent the day doing the same thing as you. It’s not that you judge them for it, but you’re not going to compare yourself to them as much as you will Stacey. It’s messed up, sure, but that’s just how our minds work. You might even tell yourself that you’re being ridiculous, but if you spend enough time browsing social media and seeing the carefully curated tales of other’s week, you’ll be tempted to shave your head and move across the country on a whim.

The interesting thing is that in the older days, our lives were much simpler. It wasn’t uncommon to spend months on the farm doing the same routine and not traveling anywhere except the neighbors house to exchange some goods. However, a lot more people would say they felt content with their general lives than people nowadays, although they had it significantly worse. Of course…those dying of Cow Pox would disagree with being content, but I’m not talking about their happiness with all aspects of their lives. It’s just that routine was more accepted and it wasn’t easy to fake your whole day being all good angles, laughter and perfect scenery as social media allows us to.

Before social media, people did this to an extent with those vacation photo albums that they forced into their friends hands, but in general it didn’t make people jealous so much as bored. FOMO can be linked to low self esteem, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. Which is interesting considering it seems like such a small issue. Who cares if you get jealous sometimes of your friend Maria’s large family and frequent parties?

Does it matter that you rewatch Ryan’s snapchats sometimes to catch a glimpse of the house that’s way out of your paygrade? Sure, maybe Jessica is always out to lunch and clubbing while your sitting in the bathroom watching Youtube, but you’re only a little passive aggressive to her when you meet by the water cooler. And who cares if you photoshopped yourself into your cousin’s honeymoon photos just to see what it looked like if you were in Venice? And maybe-

Oh. Oh shit. FOMO strikes again. Nobody is immune even if some of us are affected by it to lesser degrees. It’s important to allow ourselves breaks from peering at other’s lives through the microscope that is social media. Social media can make the world seem more colorful and less bleak, but it can also make us think it’s colorful only for other people.

TO avoid FOMO, it’s important to listen to yourself. Do what you want to do, regardless of how other people choose to spend their time, and realize that living a life you don’t want just to make other people jealous is an awful waste of time. Influencers are some of the saddest and most boring people outside of the internet, because they spend their time making sure other people feel FOMO when they view their feed. They don’t spend that time actually enjoying life, just cataloguing it for others. I think that would be much worse than genuinely enjoying watching fail videos on Youtube for five hours with your cat.

Live the life you actually want. You only get one of them.

I Almost Gave Up Writing Before I Even Started. Don’t Make the Same Mistake.

     I believe one of the worst things an author can do is give up before they start. That’s what I did when I first started; I threw unfinished manuscript after manuscript into the trash because I couldn’t see the story going anywhere else. It felt as if I had already written the most exciting parts of the plot, and now everything else was stagnant and couldn’t compare.

     One of the worst pieces of advice for writing that I’ve seen is that you should write the same amount of your novel every day and stick with that. Of course, if you are working with an agent and have a deadline this may not apply to you, but I decided to self publish so I have plenty of freedom with my timeframes. That piece of advice was why I ended up destroying so many potentially good stories. I was stuck, completely and totally, and everything I wrote when I was stuck turned my otherwise good story into a mass of partly good, partly terrible writing. If I had taken a step back, started another project or even just not written at all, I would have been able to think my way out of writer’s block and continue.

     Another issue I had when I first decided I wanted to write a novel was that I compared my writing style to everyone else’s. Believe it or not, an author with more experience is likely to write better than you, and there’s no magic cure for that! The only fix is to write, cringe when you read your old writing, and then realize with relief that you’re only cringing now because you’ve improved since then. When I look back at my first novel, less than a year since it’s been published, I see things that I wish I could change. And that’s good, amazing even, because that means in a short amount of time I’ve gained skills. 

     Taking the steps to write your first novel, blog post, or even fanfiction takes guts. You’ll have to admit that you’re not great yet, and unfortunately people will have to read your writing before you’re at the level you want to be. Whenever I’ve received criticism about my novel (It was all constructive thank god), I’m overwhelmed by a sudden desire to pull my book off the shelves. But that would be stupid, wouldn’t it? Because how am I going to grow as an author if I don’t have the guts to accept that I am not, nor will I ever be, the best writer? 

     There’s no standard of success for being an author. One could claim that being on the New York Times Best Seller list is the height of fame, another could say that just having an audience that enjoys their work means that they’ve made it to the top. Success is not measurable, so it’s ridiculous to avoid starting because you might not meet an abstract standard.

     I’m glad I started. I don’t regret the mistakes, the many grammar errors(seriously…so many), or the work I had to pour into it. I look back at the late nights at Starbucks, the emails with my editor, trying and failing to design a cover, and even though I’m not rich from my debut novel by a long shot, it was worth it. I did something that I can be proud of, I took the first step, then the second and now I’m still a good half a mile from where I want to end up, but I’m no longer sitting by the start line and making up excuses.

     Whether you’re an author, a curious newbie, or somebody who accidentally ended up on my page but the screen froze and now you can no longer exit out, I advise you to take a good look at yourself and ask what’s really stopping you? The only way to fail is to not try at all. 

-Faith Larson.

Why Self Obsession Leads to Self Hatred.

Hello, and welcome to my blog. I haven’t written anything on here for awhile now, and the reason for that is that I struggle with my self esteem. It’s not that I hate myself, or even that I think I’m below average. My problem is that when I see other successful bloggers or authors, it makes me want to give up because I don’t feel that I offer the same things they do.

Social Media is a killer, and I say that as somebody who is a regular consumer of it. When I, or you, see people living our dreams online, with seemingly no effort, it kills something inside of us. Why should we write, or create anything when we know that it’s going to take so much effort and time just to fall short of somebody with 50,000 more followers than us?

You want to know why? Because the truth is, most of those people are miserable. Influencers, famous authors, and so forth don’t usually gain as many followers by being vulnerable. Of course, some are able to find a good balance through their social platforms, which is amazing! Yet…usually people follow others on social media because they attract their attention. We see people with beautiful bodies, exceptional talent, so many friends and just think….f*ck it. Why isn’t that me? What’s the point if I can never measure up to what they have?

To become an influencer, there’s some things you need to give up. You lose your privacy, you lose the right to take a photo with a friend without retaking it seven times to hide your double chin. You turn the saturation of your camera way up to hide the imperfections in your painting. You write what people want to hear, not necessarily what you want to say. You smile and wave and compliment people you hate and grin through your tears and never really talk to anybody without a mask that says “this is what you want, and this is what you get.” To become famous, sometimes you have to lose who are you.

I may not feel as talented as Steven King when I write my horror novels, and I might be too inconsistent with my blog to make money…but I realized that I’m bringing something to the world, and it’s real and me…whether that’s what people want to see or not. I don’t want to have to obsess about what people want to read or see, if it’s just not something I’d like to create. So, I think my point is that I would rather be myself and not worry about the flaws of my writing and what people think of my acne and forehead as much as I’d like to focus on creating something that makes me happy. Those who obsess over their image will never be portraying what’s really inside. Because…eventually, they grow to hate what’s inside, because it might not be the image people seem to want to see the most.

Be yourself. Write your twenty volume romance sci-fi novels, take selfies with friends that show off the real moment you’re experiencing, log off the internet and live a little before you let yourself be shaped by the perceived happiness of others. And me? Well…I think I might try writing a little again. Here and there. I’ll see you all soon.

-Faith Larson.

(Author of the horror novel A Soul Made of Cinders. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter @Idiocyreleased.)

Calculated Risks vs No-Payoff Risks

     If you take any online quiz, whether it’s to find out what kind of bread you are or a more important sort of revelation, it’s likely that you’ll be asked this question:

‘Do you take risks?’

     For most of my life, I’ve always had to think about it before answering. Sure, I’m willing to get inside a car on the freeway, and I got the Covid vaccine as soon as it was available, but I’m also not willing to smoke or drink. I won’t get inside a speeding car, and I’d definitely never shoplift, but I’ve spent hundreds on the stock market. So, what does that make me?

     There are two forms of risks: ones with high payoffs, and ones without. For instance, if I was to drink heavily around others, I’d run the risk of making a fool of myself. The payoff would be temporary enjoyment, with repercussions afterward at least in the form of a killer hangover. Personally, I don’t drink because I don’t feel that the emotional payoff is enough. 

     Risks with high payoffs are ones that I can recover from if they fail, but stand to earn me something besides just emotions or social standing. For instance, I invested hundreds of hours into writing my first novel when I was eighteen, since if it didn’t do well, I could just delete it off the internet. However, if it went well, I could build a career from it. Since it’s only been half a year since publishing I can’t say the career has come about yet…but I’m steadily seeing progress. There was a low risk, since I would be improving my writing and doing what I love during the process, but potential high reward, so I took the risk. 

     Too often, we tend to view risks as the pursuit of, quite frankly, stupid endevours. We view the skateboarder on the freeway as a risk taker, while considering people who hesitate to go out to the club the wet blankets. Risks are worthwhile if they can contribute to something greater if they work out, while also leaving the risk taker with life and limb if it fails.

     I’m starting a clothing business in the next few months that I’ve already invested hundreds of dollars into. However, I did my research and continue to do so while steadily going through a checklist of what I should do before opening. This is a calculated risk that has a payoff with no ceiling, which makes it worth pursuing. Now, if I had done this without doing any research whatsoever, that would change this into a dangerous risk. 

     In the end, risks are a part of life. However, knowing the differences between types of risks can help you analyze whether it’s worth taking them. Don’t let somebody talk you into a risk without considering your options, it doesn’t make life more dull to consider the consequences before stepping into traffic. 

As always, thanks for reading! What’s a risk that you’re happy that you took? Feel free to share in the comments!

Just Because I’m Stupid, That Doesn’t Mean I’m Not Smart.

      It’s me, Faith, back with another enlightening post to grace your screen. Today I’m going to be talking about different forms of intelligence, and how we can be smart while appearing stupid to the general masses. For instance, I managed to get my first novel edited and published by the age of nineteen, yet I am completely incapable of cooking pancakes without burning them. Please don’t tell me it’s because I’m not following the instructions…because I am! My point is, it’s possible to be intelligent in ways that don’t align with what the general view of intelligence is. 

     Let me start by saying I hate IQ tests, and not because I’m bad at them. The tests themselves aren’t awful, they certainly indicate an ability to comprehend patterns and numbers, but somebody can ace an IQ test and still be the most insufferable, pancake burning person on the planet. Since people don’t always have the same upbringing, interests, and opportunities, measuring intelligence based on their ability to pass a Harvard entrance exam is a beyond flawed system. 

     Growing up, I had an undiagnosed math disorder. Essentially, it can be described as dyslexia but with numbers. It was difficult hearing that I wasn’t trying hard enough, that I was slow, and eventually my parents decided to homeschool me for separate reasons, but I’m glad they did. My math skills progressed, but only the ones I can use in everyday situations. I can read a clock, I can create a budget, I like to think I could pass fifth grade math with flying colors….but beyond that would be a struggle. My brain is unable to understand abstract concepts, and if I had stayed in public school, I likely would have been put into special ed classes for everything, not just math. 

     I find this ridiculous, considering I had average grades in every subject. I was able to read and write at college level in seventh grade, but because of my math skills I would be deemed below average in everything? What sort of a system is that?

      That was around the time that I started to realize that intelligence is usually measured based on understanding of school related subjects, and not on the individual person’s abilities. 

There is no intelligence test that can tell you exactly how smart a person is, or ‘how valuable an asset they are to society.’ As delicious as it would be, humans don’t all come from the same cookie press, and acting like we can be manufactured and judged based on our ability to memorize concepts is one of the things that most divides our society. 

     Can you cook a recipe without having to use a measuring cup? Are you able to figure out what’s wrong with a car after a few minutes under the hood? Or even, are you reading this right now because you’re trying to broaden your way of thought? Congratulations, all those things signify intelligence, even if you struggled to pass science in junior high. 

     Instead of ruminating on the things you aren’t good at, you should try your best and find other strengths. Don’t let somebody tell you that you’re an idiot for not understanding a concept that they understand, when there’s definitely something that you’re better at than them.

     Life is too short to let other people tell you who and what you are. 

What are you proud of, do you have any special talents that you haven’t been able to brag about until now? Feel free to share in the comments, and you can follow me on Twitter or Instagram if you want a peek at the face behind the screen, @ Idiocyreleased.

A Tip For Writing Natural Sounding Dialogue.

     Hello, and welcome to my blog! My name is Faith, I’m a horror novelist who is just starting out. I published my first novel less than a year ago, and I use this blog to share information I learned along the way to help other authors. 

      Today, I’d like to talk about dialogue a little bit. Something that new authors especially can struggle with is writing natural characters who speak like normal people. Observe my expertly crafted example below.

     “But Mother,” the child proclaimed, “I do not wish to dine upon this meat dish that you serve me, with it’s undistinguishable animal products. Am I digesting veil, pork, steak, or a cut of lamb liver? Do you think I am a fool, Mother, that I should fall for such a shallow ploy to trick me into eating leafy greens that have blended within thy meats?”

      While certainly entertaining(to write anyways), the reader is instantly drawn out of the story. My example may have been exaggerated, but even more mild forms of this can make characters feel more two-dimensional and hard to relate to. Unless you are writing a character that has a reason to speak like a retired english professor, I’d suggest dumbing down the dialogue a little. For instance-

     “Mom, what’s in this thing? Is there ham in here? I hate ham, and also peas…is that a pea?”

     Of course, the reverse can be said as well. When writing teenagers, for instance, some older authors have a habit of writing dialogue like a cliche 90s movie. While some teenagers do speak like that, most of them communicate like people in their early twenties…only a bit moodier. Instead of writing-

     “Ugh, this blows,” The blonde said. She swung her backpack into the backseat and sat down with a groan. “My mom is literally the worst. I can’t go to Mckay’s party tonight, and I even bought this cute little pink cami for it. I heard Matt is going to be there too, and Jenny is totally gonna get to him before I do. Skank.”

     Unless you’re trying to go for the overused dumb blonde joke, consider:

     “Well, this sucks,” The blonde said. She swung her backpack into the backseat and sat down with a groan. “My mom just called, and now I can’t go to Mckay’s party tonight. I bought a new top for it too, since Matts gonna be there. I bet Jenny is going to be happy as hell when she finds out I’m stuck at home instead.” 

     Of course, writing is subjective, so if one style makes you happy, go for it! Another key to writing natural dialogue is realizing that it’s okay to make a character cough in the middle of a sentence, or slip up a word, or even forget what they were saying. Well written dialogue should be able to be read outloud and sound like a real conversation. While some people such as Steven King have managed to make long and dramatic dialogue work for them, it can be hard to attempt as a new writer. Characters who have flaws in their speech or personalities are more real to the reader, and can appeal to a larger base. 

     As always, you are free to disagree, but I hope that I have been able to at least present a new perspective, or amuse you for two minutes. Feel free to follow my blog for more writing tips, and for updates on my writing, you can follow me on Instagram or Twitter @ Idiocyreleased.  

Happy writing!

There Are Times Where I Wish I Was Not A Woman: Vent About The Effects of Gender Norms.

There are times where I wish, for a moment, that I had not been born a woman. Not because I believe that men hold a special power to them -that makes them invincible to the pains of this world- not because I believe I would never have to work another day in my life, but because I would truly be able to exist without pushing the boundaries of gender by just existing.

     I yearn for a day where I don’t have to plead with somebody to understand why I could not want children. What, a woman with no paternal instincts? Why not have a child anyways, see if they develop? Why not wait until I find the right man, and see if he changes my mind? 

     It’s harder for them to understand that I don’t crave love. Sure, I crave the closeness of a friend, and I’ve achieved those bonds with people I would give my life for- but I don’t daydream of my wedding, I don’t lay awake wishing I had somebody in my arms. I don’t believe in soulmates, I believe my soul is complete, one piece, and eventually I’ll find somebody who goes well with me, but they will not complete me. I’m whole on my own, and I’ve always known this.

     I wish that my name was more unisex sometimes. Would I sell more of my horror novels, if they were tricked into believing I’m a man? Would they trust my abilities more if they didn’t think of shirtless irish men and the usual novels we’re told women specialize in?

     I wonder if my leadership would be praised, instead of deemed disruptive? Would I be spoken over less, trusted more, would people hang over my words instead of questioning every suggestion? 

     Yet, a part of me enjoys the benefits, the things I am ashamed to admit. I carefully apply my makeup, I shave my legs, I pamper and polish my hair because being a woman also means I am powerful for all the wrong reasons. I’m tall, fit, white, blue eyed, and I’m privileged because of it. I suffer less than other women who only see the weaknesses rather than the benefits of being a woman. Yet, sometimes I wonder whether I’m being taken seriously, or if I’m being respected because I fulfill standards of shallow beauty. 

     I don’t want to be an object of admiration, a token ‘one of the guys’, a cute girl that won’t shut up but is nice to look at, a centerpiece for the office. I don’t want my differentiation from the stereotypes of femininity to make me ‘special, a radical feminist, a woman who doesn’t know her place.’ I want to exist without breaking the glass ceiling, without being deemed ‘different from the other girls.’ 

     I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t regret being a woman, I regret that choosing to be as I am, liking what I like, dressing as I want, enters me into a fight against gender norms that I never wanted to enter in the first place. The same goes for men, as they have their own battles, but I am speaking as a woman because I wouldn’t know the battles a man holds, the same as he would not know what it is like to be me. 

     Someday I hope that gender doesn’t place us into preconceived boxes, that appearance isn’t what makes and breaks relationships, that pretty people don’t get treated better or worse. But until then, I have my space to write my feelings and share them with those who think the same or are willing to grace me with their listening ear (reading eye in this case.) 

     Sorry that today’s post didn’t have to do with writing, but I want to feel like I’m not pretending to be more put together and professional than I am. I want to connect with my readers and become a real person in their eyes, instead of another person online that they’ll forget in a minute. I don’t want to be an influencer, but I want to be more than a face behind a screen who’s afraid to share her thoughts in case she loses her audience. 

That said, thanks for reading, and I’ll catch you on the flipside. Do you relate with my post, male or female? Feel free to share your experiences in the comments below, and have a good rest of your day.