Pooja Subramanian's Blog, page 4

Death

An event that makes us remember every precious moment (good or bad) that we had with that someone who just left. We regret the time we never gave to each other. I have been seeing this happening almost every time after death. Children, parents, spouse, siblings – the list of people who tend to have such thoughts maybe even wider. It is the closest who talk about it though.

Does this mean that we will treat those left with us better henceforth? Maybe for a couple of days. It is almost similar to what the latest Covid pandemic did to us. When the lockdowns started easing there was much love, everyone wanted to meet. And then? – life just got back to what it was – I, me, myself, my time, my priorities, my blah blah and blah… People have started valuing relationships a lot more than before maybe, but we are like rubberbands. We barely stretch beyond our original measurements unless some external force plays really hard on us. Once the external pressure eases, we snap back to what we were, unless we are made of bad quality rubber.

Mark Manson got me thinking about death recently, though this time the angle was different. He suggests a thing which sounds like – we should live in such a way that if we die tomorrow, we will have no huge regrets during that last minute. I say last minute because death is not always predictable unless you are terminally ill or actually ready to die. His idea of what to do with life got me thinking really hard. I am not doing a job that I love right now. I am doing it so I can be financially independent, so I can keep away from the complications of job hunting in these bad times, and I really do not know what the other reasons are. I know that I love to write, I love art – drawing, painting, music. I also love to read. I keep dreaming about that day when I can probably start living in a library, immerse myself in a vast unending ocean of books and just stay that way for as long as I can. I know for sure that this dream might just remain a dream, but I so wish it was granted someday. That is what I would love to do before I die, at least for a day or week, or maybe month, or if possible for a year. Greedy me!

I am sure everyone out there has a dream like me. And yes, we all have our constraints, inhibitions and comfort zones. I am not too sure if the self help books can help everyone. I am not sure if I will live the life I want before I die. Of course, I will not after I die – that is the only thing I know. Maybe I should start keeping aside some time for the stuff that I actually like, enjoy and would give a lifetime to. Not sure if that would happen, but I am definitely going to try. If there are other people here who have actually made time for yourself in spite of work and busy schedules, please do share your experience here. Let us share ideas and share some happiness!

The Growing Ball Trap

Sleep, sleep and more sleep.

Dream, dream and more dreams,

Worthy to have been honoured,

With a life that no sane one could wish for.

Aggressiveness in the Corporate World

Have you ever felt that aggressiveness is mistaken for assertiveness in the corporate world? I have – not once, multiple times. People oversee good performance, but never fail to see lack of aggressiveness. Compassion is seen as a weakness. Being nice is inappropriate, being rude and unapproachable is cool.

I am an introvert by nature. I am wired that way, and beyond change as per science, but this world says otherwise, and so do my fellow beings. They keep insisting that I change. I should break myself and mould myself into an aggressive person so that I can fit better into their space, so that they can accept me and consider me one among themselves.

Would you believe me that our system is to be blamed for this whole concept? Yes, you should, because I can prove it to you. Let us go back to as far as school days. Quiet and timid children keep getting bullied, sometimes by friends and even by teachers. I have heard multiple teachers make remarks like “She is always in her shell, good at studies, obedient, good at a lot of thinks, but not outspoken. She has to be louder and make herself heard.” I wished they could see my skills through my accomplishments, but they always yearned to see me as a rockstar…meh.

Now let us travel a bit farther ahead into college. Here comes class participation. If that was the only way to get marks at college, I would have flunked every subject. I am incapable of adding on to noise. I do ask questions, but only if I have a genuine query, not for the sake of it. I would rather ask a doubt after the class, so that I can save my sound energy from being drowned in the chaos. Finally placements, and you have group discussions to brutally murder everything you built in all those years at college. I cannot bite the bread from somebody else’s mouth. That explains why I could never get through any group discussion that did not endorse a written or spoken summary. Did I ever feel ashamed about myself for not being capable of getting through group discussions? Not really, but the system ensured that I did. At that point I realised that my capabilities do not really matter, I should know how to make myself heard, I should learn how to sell myself. And I did try, not just try, I tried really hard, until it dawned upon me that this world is not prepared for me. I am invisible here.

Want yourself to be valued? Talk, talk and talk. All you have to do is impress by talking. I know at least a few people who can do just this, not an iota of work, but have created a space for themselves in their workplaces, because they can talk, shout, fight and do all that loudly, very loudly. I have been bullied for my feeble voice every other day. It makes me a good singer, maybe that is why god gave me this gift, but that does not matter. I have to shout my lungs out to impress the system. I cannot do that consistently for more than 5 minutes. I will be drained out. Give me a mic and put me on the stage. I can speak, make myself heard and I can impress, because the stage is all mine. There is no noise to conquer, other than the inner voice which understands me totally.

Compassion is not a virtue in the world I live, definitely not at work. Nobody, except your subordinates value it. Your peers take it as your weakness and your superiors see you as a misfit in the organisation. No matter, how good the quality of your work might be, no matter how fast you can accomplish tasks, you are still not good enough, because you cannot decorate yourself the way they want you to. You are just not that talking Christmas tree. I live in an age where people give lectures on acceptance of introverts and fall back when it comes to actually practicing what they preach.

As an introvert and as an ambitious individual I feel it is important to create awareness about the existence of introverts in the first place. Stop telling us how we can change ourselves. Stop coaxing us into changing ourselves. Maybe the system can help by adding another category to the definition of diversity at workplace and try not to measure all human beings using the same standards. Let the introverts co-exist on this planet.

 

Assertiveness in the Corporate World

Have you ever felt that assertiveness is overvalued in the corporate world? I have – not once, multiple times. People oversee good performance, but never fail to see lack of assertiveness. Compassion is seen as a weakness. Being nice is inappropriate, being rude and unapproachable is cool.

I am an introvert by nature. I am wired that way, and beyond change as per science, but this world says otherwise, and so do my fellow beings. They keep insisting that I change. I should break myself and mould myself into an assertive person so that I can fit better into their space, so that they can accept me and consider me one among themselves.

Would you believe me that our system is to be blamed for this whole concept? Yes, you should, because I can prove it to you. Let us go back to as far as school days. Quiet and timid children keep getting bullied, sometimes by friends and even by teachers. I have heard multiple teachers make remarks like “She is always in her shell, good at studies, obedient, good at a lot of thinks, but not outspoken. She has to be louder and make herself heard.” I wished they could see my skills through my accomplishments, but they always yearned to see me as a rockstar…meh.

Now let us travel a bit farther ahead into college. Here comes class participation. If that was the only way to get marks at college, I would have flunked every subject. I am incapable of adding on to noise. I do ask questions, but only if I have a genuine query, not for the sake of it. I would rather ask a doubt after the class, so that I can save my sound energy from being drowned in the chaos. Finally placements, and you have group discussions to brutally murder everything you built in all those years at college. I cannot bite the bread from somebody else’s mouth. That explains why I could never get through any group discussion that did not endorse a written or spoken summary. Did I ever feel ashamed about myself for not being capable of getting through group discussions? Not really, but the system ensured that I did. At that point I realised that my capabilities do not really matter, I should know how to make myself heard, I should learn how to sell myself. And I did try, not just try, I tried really hard, until it dawned upon me that this world is not prepared for me. I am invisible here.

Want yourself to be valued? Talk, talk and talk. All you have to do is impress by talking. I know at least a few people who can do just this, not an iota of work, but have created a space for themselves in their workplaces, because they can talk, shout, fight and do all that loudly, very loudly. I have been bullied for my feeble voice every other day. It makes me a good singer, maybe that is why god gave me this gift, but that does not matter. I have to shout my lungs out to impress the system. I cannot do that consistently for more than 5 minutes. I will be drained out. Give me a mic and put me on the stage. I can speak, make myself heard and I can impress, because the stage is all mine. There is no noise to conquer, other than the inner voice which understands me totally.

Compassion is not a virtue in the world I live, definitely not at work. Nobody, except your subordinates value it. Your peers take it as your weakness and your superiors see you as a misfit in the organisation. No matter, how good the quality of your work might be, no matter how fast you can accomplish tasks, you are still not good enough, because you cannot decorate yourself the way they want you to. You are just not that talking Christmas tree. I live in an age where people give lectures on acceptance of introverts and fall back when it comes to actually practicing what they preach.

As an introvert and as an ambitious individual I feel it is important to create awareness about the existence of introverts in the first place. Stop telling us how we can change ourselves. Stop coaxing us into changing ourselves. Maybe the system can help by adding another category to the definition of diversity at workplace and try not to measure all human beings using the same standards. Let the introverts co-exist on this planet.

 

I am an Introvert

I am an introvert

I love solitude

I have my choices

I cannot assimilate all humans

I cannot endure fanfare of some sorts

I conserve my energy,

to think deep and wild;

to spend on things I value,

and on people I adore.

They are not a crowd,

but I have their back, and they mine.

Empathy is my strength,

compassion is my being,

I wonder why it bothers you,

Just let me be, I am fine.

Ch.4 Dreams and Uninvited Guests

Why leave me gifts that I hate to wish for?

Why gift me such, when all I want is peace?

Why not leave me alone to choose my own gifts?

I would rather not have any that are meant to strike my state of ease.

Ch.3 Hidden Introduction to Strange Company and Hope

Solitude of this kind makes me unaware.

The roots that bind my person,

makes me yearn for freedom and more.

I wish there was light to lead,

I wish there was music to soothe,

I wish I knew the complete story,

I wish I had some vision and more.

Ch.2 Planning the Escape

“What if all my theories were completely farce? What if I am in someplace too dangerous for people-kind? What if I am already no more? Could that be possible? That means there is life after death! This was another area of science I would have loved to work on and then earn a Nobel Prize. There would have been so much more to brag about. Wait, but how could I die, or rather, why would I die? It is not that we invite death voluntarily, but still, I do not really like this idea that just sprang up in my head. I would at least want to feel a bit bored of life or just too overwhelmed by whatever life offered me with before death approached.”

Ch.1 The Truth about Twigs

“What is a person about to gain while wishing for somebody else’s fall? What is the person who clings on to ego going to gain in life? What is a person who swears by one’s money going to take along to the grave anyway? How is the person who kills in the name of religion, race, sex, hatred, and food going to justify one’s own existence when asked to explain? There are so many more of them to categorise if time permits. At the end of the day, they all have one end game: harm and take sadistic pleasure in it. When will that one day dawn when they realise that they who wish evil for others are damn gross and ignoble? If karma is a certified bitch, it will surely strike them back. Those who deserve the strike will certainly be struck hard. Only if they could be made to realise their follies through acts of kindness and made to mend their ways. World would have been a totally different place that way. The badge of innocence would have stuck on beyond childhood in that case. Now that is my idea of a utopian state that I so wish came true someday.”