Chapel Orahamm's Blog, page 33

Symbolism study in Polaris Skies

So.

This was a difficult book to feel comfortable releasing. I’m still not comfortable with it being released. One of those, I was in a really dark place when I wrote it. Most of the time, if I find out someone is reading it, I apologize before finding out how far they’ve gotten in it. It was also one of the first books I wrote. For the most part I wrote it through high school and a bit of college before shelving it. I only officially finished the whole thing in 2019 and edited it in 2020 before committing to publishing it.

As usual, the disclaimer is that I use my books as my therapy. Ways to work through difficult situations. I exerpienced some things in those end years of high school and beginning of college that I had to process and it led to this thing. In a way, I’m proud I got the words out. In a way, I don’t want to subject people to it. In a way, I want to share it so others don’t feel so alone if they’re going through difficult situations too. In the end, it became the third book in The Kavordian Library because it made sense timeline wise. It was finished first though, and that affected all the other books around it.

This is the main book in the omnibus that all the trigger warnings apply to.

Again. In advance. I am sorry.

For the people growing up too fast in a world too cold.

Chapter 1

Dislcaimer number 1: I head hop a lot in this book. You could say I take it to a bizarre extreme. I can excuse it by all I want by claiming I was young to writing and didn’t know any better. Thing is, I spent a long time editing it and saw it. I remedied some areas, but others I kept. Its supposed to feel chaotic and disjointed. Unsettled. Uncomfortable. That sensation of a rollercoaster, or when you’re trying to sleep and you jerk awake, thinking you fell off a skyscraper. It’s supposed to feel grey, dismal, like the world has lost it’s light. It’s cold and bitter and scary. It’s raw, and this whole explanation is going to feel cruel.

That was where I was Junior/Senior year of high school, Freshman year of college.

You’ll find I have a hate-hate relationship with mirrors in my books. Like birds represent freedom and being caged, mirrors are the difference between the cruel reality of what I see and what I am. It was only in the beginning of 2021 that I finally felt safe enough and comfortable enough to admit to myself, let alone to some of the world that I’m trans – FTM.

During those years 17-19, I was navigating some major religious brainwashing which deeply affected how I see/saw myself along with a toxic relationship (that I got out of) I had been in for four-five years. High school sweethearts you could say. I got married when I was 17 and he was 19 so I could get in state tuition at the college near the military base he was stationed at. Calculated risks. He came from heavy religion. So did my family.

Letting myself acknowledge who I am beneath my skin has been a long time coming. Some days, it’s still hard for me to not see the mirror laughing at me.

So, opening on Deck and the mirror has a lot to do with that unsettled feeling I get around mirrors regularly. That weird whisper in the back of my head, adults asking “Do you not look in a mirror? Comb your hair, why is it greasy, don’t you shower? Why do you never put on a dress? Go shave your legs, you look like a boy.” Yeah.

The fact Deck comes from a prepper background probably has to do with some of my extended family being Mormon. As a kid, I didn’t get what the difference was between them and me. I just knew my churches did like their churches. Thanksgiving and Christmas and family get togethers weren’t bad though. Tons of cousins to play with. Somehow I always got to see their massive closet of a year of food rations and always thought that was just what people did.

Originally the characters were named Deck, Nat, Benj, Yeller, Sashia, Cherry, Stitch, Marten, Nala, Sven, Cashia, Anastasia, Sibor, Dietrik, Pike, Astoria, Natalia. I tried to clean up the manuscript, but flubbed and Stitch comes up a couple times in place of Hana. Some of the names were juvenile, some sounded too similar to each other.

New names:

Sashia – Sun HeeCherry – ZolaStitch – Hana/HanielMarten – MichaelNala – RaphaelPike – HeinrichAstoria – SylvieNatalia – Tereza Chapter 2

Why does Yeller speak Gaelic? Because I was desperately trying to teach myself Gaelic during high school and college and the best way I learned new vocabulary was to write stories, so I figured incorporating it would help. Ehhh…? Not sure if that stuck.

Why is he named Yeller? Because I was in some serious teen angst and thought it sounded edgy and cool. Why is his actual name Ruben? Because I had a crush on a guy back in school. He was this gentle giant that kids teased mercilessly for being awkward and wearing super thick glasses. One of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. At the time I wrote Polaris Skies, I really needed a gentle giant. Someone who’s shadow I could hide in.

Nat? In that same vein of hiding in shadows, I named him after something small, insignificant, annoying, a gnat, what I felt like. Originally, I had plans of making him into someone powerful. Someone who changed the world and took control of their destiny and became great. A regular Hero’s Journey story. Life though wasn’t exactly in favor of me finding a Hero’s ending. Polaris Skies slowly shifted with my age from a Hero’s Journey to survival. His edges file down as mine did and it turned from rescuing someone else to rescuing myself, wishing someone else would rescue me.

An bhufuil tu ceart go leor? – Are you okay?Ta me tuirseach – I am tiredPog ma thoin ~ Kiss my assIs cuma liom – I don’t careta tu slaghdan ort ~ you’re sickta bron orm – I’m sorryNa biodh imni ort faoi – Don’t worry about it.Chapter 3

I always found werewolf representation a touch weird. A complete transformation of skull shape, bones, organs, teeth – true, magic could make that painless in fantasy, but I was more in favor of, if it was a sci-fi base, that transformation would be horrendously painful. Felt more fitting for the type of book I was writing.

That and the infernal question everyone asks in these werewolf set ups. What happens to the clothes? Some writers make them disappear. Some shred them. I went with the option the the shape change is enough that they won’t destroy the clothing, but the transformation does make them drop trou as the saying goes. Meant I wasn’t responsible for finding them clothing every five minutes in the book early on.

Uhhhh…more mirrors. I’ve never purposefully broken a mirror in real life, but that one was satisfying. It might seem far fetched, but living way heck a gone in big sky country, you see some weird stuff on people’s property. A projector in a tree to scare off trespassers is actually not out of the real of possibilities. I mean, motion tracking paintball turrets isn’t either. I’ve seen weirder.

Now, another thing that bugs me in books – when the characters can go running and just…keep…going? Like, how many people do you know train daily for marathons? I know one in real life and probably three online. So, having a whole pack of people go running off and not have at least one needing a breather seemed completely improbably.

Cad? – What?Eistimid agus feicimid – we listen and we seeSuigh, fan – Sit, stay (Sit down, wait)Chapter 4

Subpar side road medical support. Can we just, I don’t know, address in fiction, how someone can give first aid and bad things don’t happen? Like. Realistically speaking, in a post-apocolyptic world with poor sanitation, bad things are going to happen. Of course I need bad things to happen, how else am I supposed to build up tension and get the story to progress?

You know. Some days, writing certain conversations really should have told me things a lot earlier in life. The interactions between Yeller and Nat specifically. Don’t worry. It only took me several years from the time of writing the beginning of the book to the ending to get the hint.

Chapter 5

Hi Hana. Nice to meet you. Sorry, you’re coming with us.

Okay, so this was where I wanted a love interest for my MC. Legit, at the point I was writing this back in high school, I was still deeply burying my feeling and figuring it was the right decision to pick her up and drag her along. Had no clue who she was to the story itself at the moment of introducing her. This was back when I was really winging my writing. Hence, chaos.

In a way, involving Sven into this made it feel more natural to me. I wanted to explore the aspect of more than one soul sharing a body. Not in the same vein as split personalities, but similar I think to the concept of possession. I hadn’t read anything that really worked with that element before and having Sven be fixated on Hana somehow felt better. Again, give me a bit of the book and the several years of poking at chapters to work my way out of the closet.

Some of this set up was because I was living in a massive city at this point and had caught late night busses and walked back to my apartment quite a number of times from campus when it got dark. Things got scary. I’ve had people follow me. I’ve been groped. I’ve been cat called. I’ve had people watch and not speak up. I’ve had some ask if I was okay after the fact.

The Glendwellers speak Croatian.

Anail – breathCrna ptica – black bird (Sven knows and isn’t letting on)Chapter 6

The thing though is, when the world outside is scary, what do you make of it when you return back to what should be home with that same sinking feeling of dread? Partners are supposed to be safe. Your home. You’re supposed to feel like you’ve returned home when you see them. To me, the ex was like walking into a dark alley. Gaslighting. Coercion. Manipulation. Lying. Things I didn’t want to do, have done to me. But I was a good little Christian girl, wasn’t I? It was my place. It was expected. Neither of us thought anything was wrong with how things went. It was what the religious script said we were supposed to do. Years later and I have words for what was going on. I know what it was called. I still am extremely uncomfortable putting it into words. Naming it. I’m glad I got the divorce. I’m glad I found someone who makes me feel like I’m home, like I’m safe.

This chapter was that dread. Where I started eeking out the unsettled feeling that something wasn’t right.

I do have the wolves treat their hosts like children for a long time, because there is an age gap in the whole immortality concept. Why I made it so that Sven spoke to Nat before the other Glendwellers speak to the rest of the pack? Nat accepted the wolf at face value, rather than live in denial of the inhabitation. The others didn’t. So, they communicated earlier. However, if you’ll notice, outside of the Glendwellers, I desperately try to make sure that the women aren’t called girls and the men aren’t called boys other than by Michael. There is significance in this. I want for the infantilizing of people to stop, and the built in use of “girl” such in “girl’s night out” and “boy” as in “boys and their toys” when talking about people who are not children gives me the creeps. Michael is supposed to give you the creeps.

Yes, I named Michael, Haniel, and Raphiel after a set of angels when I changed their names so that they made more sense later in the story.

In a way, Sven is that representation in my brain of the expectations I was provided with growing up. That “you’re supposed to be attracted to the opposite gender only.” I thought, in that time, that if my MC was male, I needed to write a female LI. I fought it, and I fought it hard. At the same time, I liked the idea of writing a female LI in an odd part of my brain. Usually with romance novels, you don’t get the male’s side as an MC, usually because most romance novels are written from the female MC’s point of view. In this though, I was slowly slipping between a decision of Yeller or Hana. Again, something should have told me.

djecak – boyChapter 7

Well, hello teenage angst and a hot tub. Could I have re-written this scene when editing? Yes. Should I have? Probably. Why didn’t I? *shrug* no idea, it’s a burned in memory now and I’m keeping it.

mali gavran – little ravenChapter 8

Sigh. Look. I’m not a complete idiot when it comes to understanding jealousy. I just am not great at writing it. So, my representation of Sven might be a bit overdone. For the most part, at this point I was angry and I shelved it. Things were going down hill in my personal life and I was fighting through school and getting a divorce figured out.

When I came back to the story a year later, I had found someone. I was in a new university, getting a different degree. Things were snapping into place. In the moment I finally opened the file and read what I had down, the dawning realization that everything that had happened to me, I needed to get it off my chest and the words came tumbling out.

Michael became the ex. Yeller took on a lot of my tentative hopes and dreams with Wren. Hana became that female element I still found attractive, but she was no longer purely a love interest to me, but more a representation of me realizing that I liked both men and women and it was okay for me to be like that. Going clubbing with some friends from uni really slapped me in the face with that one. Mass group dancing and a heavy beat and you’ve got this cute little bit of curve in a short skirt under your palms on one side and a towering skyscraper in wire frames with a heavy German accent finding your rib cage on the other. Well. Some things you don’t forget in a lifetime.

In the summer between the divorce and meeting Wren I found a few different people that caught my fancy when I took some classes, but half of them were tossed out the window as an option because my family was still…homophobic…I wouldn’t have been able to bring them home. I didn’t even have the courage to speak to the crushes though. I wasn’t willing to tempt fate when my family were my one safety net in getting away. They’ve sort of gotten better. I came out to them about being pansexual about three years ago now. I still haven’t told them I’m trans. They seem bent on calling me a strong young woman because of surviving brain surgery and everything else that’s gone down in my life, and I’m just not strong enough to deal with my family looking at me with that really blank confused look like I’ve asked them to buy me an elephant or something.

As it is, I’ve been told not to mention being an author to my extended family because they don’t want to deal with the prbable fallout of me being pan and writing what I write. So, great confidence booster there, huh?

Well, that was a deviation from what was actually happening in the book, but I feel better.

djecak u sjeni – shadow boy (a boy in shadows)Chapter 9

Again…a loving symbolic representation of dealing with religion, feeling like it’s a cult, and coming out of the closet.

Chapter 10

Story line progression. This is where that Hero’s Journey story line dive bombs into survival mode. When a savior isn’t quite enough.

mo gra – my loveChapter 11

This is one of those chapters that I feel I have to apologize for a lot. It got dark. It got creepy.

It was also me dealing with some pent up nightmares. Back when I was with the ex, I was on the pill, but I really didn’t want kids. Legit, I didn’t. Couldn’t fathom the idea of dealing with them. I’d asked for an IUD or a tubal when I turned 18. Well. You remember that bit about coercion? Yeah. I missed my period by two weeks and started freaking out pretty bad that I was pregnant and going to have a kid and end up not getting my degree. Told the ex. He was…indifferent? Like it wasn’t his problem. I ended up spotting the morning I was going to ride the 40 minute bus route it would take for me to get to the store that carried tests. After that little scare he…found a different method…that I wasn’t in favor of, but went along with because he was “done” with his form of protection and I really didn’t want to get pregnant but I was still supposed to be this good little Christian wife and make the husband happy and play house, right?

So. I dealt with that really bizarre sense of relief and horror and nightmares for way too many years, and this sort of turned into me and dealing with that.

*Got the divorce. Found Wren. Got my degree. Had a kid. Got a tubal – which failed. Had 9 miscarriages after because we figured 1 more could be good if I had the ability to before we finally gave up on that.* So, I’ve kinda ran that gammit.

Please, never ask a person when they are going to have kids or if they are thinking of “giving their kid a brother or a sister.” That is one of the cruelest things you can ask someone whose gone through that and who gets super major bad gender dysphoria and sensory overload while pregnant and trans. It’s dealing with knowing you aren’t quite right in the first place and then just rubbing in that you’re freaking broken anyways. Being born wrong and then not even being able to perform the tasks society dictates. It’s cruel. It’s worse than cruel. It’s torture. Just don’t.

Chapter 12

So. Hana telling Michael that there’s a difference. That one makes you feel like dying, one you’re just dead. Yeah. You probably get it now.

Nat was left bloody and bruised and the rest of is support needed help and this was the first lock. The first real moving forward. Calling a frog a frog. Calling what I was going through what it was.

I shelved the book again, for another year after writing this. I had written my truth to get it out of my head, and in the process, lost my confidence in ever telling anyone. In a way, I wanted my stories to explain everything about me, in a way, I was scared for people to see inside of me and realize I was twisted and cracked and flawed beyond repair.

Ifreann na Fola ~ Bloody HellLe de thoil – pleaseis docha – probablybain triail as go crua – try hardChapter 13

This chapter originally had a lot more to it involving dialogue between Sven and Hana, but the tone didn’t feel right. So I scrapped it and rearranged the interactions to something more supportive instead of defensive.

Also the way I describe the headache Nat gets? That is what a stroke feels like when you have an undiagnosed AVM rupture in your left parietal/ocipital lobe region. Looks like I used that pain as a way to express the telepathic marks. Forgot about that.

an bhfuil tu ceart go leor – Are you alright?is mian liom go raibh me marbh – I wish I was dead.Chapter 14

Hey look, another instigating situation and getting the pack to move along so this story can get somewhere.

Well. That was emotionally exhausting. I’ll handle chapters 15-29 later.

Sushi maybe?

Buy Me SushiAffiliate Link Disclosure

Mobile Game Review: Lanota

I do not have much experience when it comes to rhythm games. I was introduced to them in Dance Dance Revolution on PS2 way back in the day. I’m aware that things have changed drastically since then. Guitar Hero and a wide variety of other music games have come and gone on several consoles. I had heard of this one in passing one day and thought it might be an interesting try. Could it be anything other than just a bunch of button mashing and tapping?

Well. It is a bunch of mash tapping, but with rhythm. It is that type of game after all. The method of having the notes come out in a varying circle rather than as a drop down line like Guitar Hero or DDR is a nice difference, and not one I expected. I didn’t look into a lot of images or anything when I loaded the app to my phone. I sort of went, meh, let’s see what this is. Yay for blaise fair attitudes, am I right?

There is some story line to this, but it’s not excessive. The balance leans heavily to the rhythm game, rather than the text. That’s not a bad thing. Not all video games need to be a visual novel. It’s also not Candy Crush where the only feedback you get is level progressions. I’m trying to put my finger on it, and the best I can say is, the scale tips towards the game play without catering solely to the game.

The colors are vibrant. The part that I’m bad at rhythm games becomes obvious after a bit. I have some seizure issues from having had an AVM in my brain (surgery fixed the AVM, but I have lingering seizures) and can only play a couple rounds in the game before I start getting that itchy warning feeling in my scalp. I’m not sure if it is the musical beat, the light flickers when you tap on the notes, or me trying to keep up with the notes, but something makes me a bit nervous about playing the game. Maybe with a bit of work and mindfulness on how and when I play it, the sensations will dissipate over time.

I can fine tune some of the settings to reduce some of these possible triggers. That is a nice feature from the game developers. If you have visual/auditory issues with regard to consistent flickering or beats, approach this one knowing you may or may not be able to adjust it to suit your needs.

The graphics are cute. I can see this fitting for a wide audience. It may be playable without audio, though I do think it helps. So, if you’re on public transport or somewhere, you’ll need a set of headphones so as not to disturb the people around you.

The mobile game does contain in-app purchases and advertisements, if that’s something that is off putting to you.

I also see that it has a Switch game version if you want it on a different platform. I could see this playing pretty cleanly on a Switch to be honest.

Buy Me SushiAffiliate Link Disclosure

April 2021 Review Schedule

April 1: Mobile Game Review – LanotaApril 2: Anime Cinema Friday – Alice to ZourokuApril 4: Book Review – The Shield Road | The Tree of MorhApril 5: Manga Cafe Monday – Tate no Yusha no Narai GariApril 6: Video Game Review Tuesday – Kingdom Hearts 1 (PS2)April 7: Lovestory Manga Wednesday – KatekyoApril 8: Mobile Game Review – Kiss of DarknessApril 9: Anime Cinema Friday – AnotherApril 10: Book Review – The Shield Road | TombApril 12: Manga Cafe Monday – Spy x FamilyApril 13: Video Game Review Tuesday – The Legend of Zelda | Link’s Awakening (Switch)April 14: Lovestory Manga Wednesday – Koiiro DevilApril 15: Mobile Game Review – Electronic EmotionApril 16: Anime Cinema Friday – Moriarty the PatriotApril 17: Book Review – The Shield Road | The ThiefApril 19: Manga Cafe Monday – Arifuerta Shokugyou de Sekai SaikyouApril 20: Video Game Review Tuesday – Kingdom Hearts 2 (PS2)April 21: Lovestory Manga Wednesday – Yondaime Ooyamato TatsuyukiApril 22: Mobile Game Review – Murder in the AlpsApril 23: Anime Cinema Friday – Sleepy Princess in the Demon CastleApril 24: Book Review – The Shield Road | The Silent StonesApril 26: Manga Cafe Monday – Kimetsu no YaibaApril 27: Video Game Review Tuesday – The Legend of Zelda | Breath of the Wild (Switch)April 28: Lovestory Manga Wednesday – Kuroneko Kareshi no ItoshikataApril 29: Mobile Game Review – Mystic CodeApril 30: Anime Cinema Friday – As Miss Beelzebub Likes It Buy Me Sushi

Symbolism within Fyskar – ending

Okay, we’ve done the beginning and middle of Fyskar. Let’s face down chapters 15-25 or the ending of the book.

Sidenote: I chose the name Fearchar because it means Good Man in translation. However I always pronounced it “Fair-char” in my head when I wrote it. Apprently it is pronounced fur-qur or something close as a real name and I’m still having a moment of questioning my decisions in life. This is why I won’t do a read aloud for my book. I will flub all the names terrible and probably piss off a bunch of people. So, if someone who can speak Scots Gaelic and does audiobooks ever wants to give this thing a whirl, I’d be eternally grateful and willing to listen as they tell me I wrote a ton of stuff wrong.

Eoin is supposed to represent me. I tend to use the MCs in my books as my window into working through therapy. This book was me working through coming to terms with adulthood and stuff I don’t want to do. I wanted to be an archaeologist or a professor. I became a housespouse because it was the financially wise decision for my house. It took me almost a decade to come to terms with that. Fearchar represents my art and seonaid represents my writing. Bercilack, Osla, and the children were my childhood dreams and ambitions, career goals and where I saw myself in the future. The Dalerochs were the proverbial world sneaking up and whacking me on the head telling me to grow up and do what was right for my family. Amina and Tau are my connections to the world, friends and family as I grew up and started finding my place. The upheaval of events and Marduk’s palace are the rough patches of adulthood and accepting that some things you can’t return back to. You can’t turn the clock back. Life isn’t a video game where you get to respawn if you die. It sucks. It’s hard. You have to fight to make a spot for yourself. And then you die and the world forgets about you. Gotta love morose books. Anyways. Here’s the chapter breakdowns.

Chapter 15

Ah, the little bird statues. Here’s where I get into Fearchar being the artist, and dropping a hint about Bercilack.

The episode involving the king’s child, Mirza, and Eoin is a reflection on my inability to communicate when I get into anxiety inducing selective mutism. It’s also that moment in time, where, as long as the mutism doesn’t activate, I will go into deadpan analyitics as a comforting mechanism when I’m working through a difficult situation and the fact that I’m covering up a lot of major emotions when doing so. I’ve been told on a couple occassions that I’m rather cold when people get hurt and I’m trying to help them. That my analytics doesn’t help them feel better, but it does make the situation less worse. To me, it’s a coping mechanism so that I can keep my emotions in check rather than let them overwhelm me. Because, if they overwhelm me, then I’m not useful and am just in the way.

The specifics with the king’s child came about because one of my nephews was being super fussy from having an upset stomach/allergy to his powdered formula and my sis-in-law was just overwhelmed, so I took him off her hands for a bit and got him to fall asleep so she could have a bit of a break from the fussing.

The name Niloofar. Water-lily. A girl’s name. Okay, really what I wanted was an Arabic name for Lotus. This one is a reach, but bear with me. I claim being an eclectic wiccan. I do appreciate a lot of Buddhist philosophy and teachings though. I find a lot of comfort in it. The lotus is sacred within the teachings as a symbol. The pure flower rises from the murk and mire, unmoored as it’s roots are free within the muddy strata. Eoin’s third name was supposed to be a representation of moving into an enlightened frame of mind, even while in the midst of the dark and difficult. Water-lily was within the same classification of aquatic plants and I could find a name. The fact it came up female is secondary, but I like the aspect that Eoin is able to better represent the feminine aspect with themself with it.

Hamerkop

Impundulu is another name with symbolism. An acknowledgement that Eoin and his children were different. Not quite a part of Egret’s Nest. The shape of Impundulu is based on the a hamerkop, which is a wading/fishing bird. Again, Eoin comes from a fishing clan. As a single member of both it’s species and genus, it seemed to be a fitting representation of Eoin’s place in society. Where as White Bird that Mirza uses is his impression of Impundulu looking like an egret, the place Eoin found his soul’s home in. Egrets and Hamerkop will share the same territorial areas and egrets are known for sharing their nesting habitats with other birds, again a bizarre stretch for symbolism, but it was important for me. A way to show with Egret’s Nest that Eoin had found somewhere safe, where his family was cared for, if a bit of an outsider.

Chapter 16

Henri. He was the mentor. The teacher figure people deeply want when they are coming to terms with adulthood. With learning how to live in an unfamiliar world. Self help books and psychology can get you so far before sometimes you just need a person to take your hand and give you a bit of guidance. Also, I put Henri in to explain why Eoin learned French sign language and as a nod to the history of Arabic archival preservation and interest in world trade. The Huguenot were a relevant aspect for the time period and again, another nod to Mirza’s propensity for ‘different’ people. There is plenty of evidence that many Arab nations were grounds for intellectual exchange regardless of religious propensity. I took an Islamic art history class in college purely because of my fascination with the architecture. The vast influence on the Mughal empire and subsequent effects of exchange between China and the Middle East and the Silk Road exchange up to Europe fell into place for me. My whole degree in Asian Art History and Asian History finally made sense with this one “outlier” class I took as an elective.

Chapter 17

This was where I needed to set up how Eoin got back to Skye and what was waiting for him in going home. What his bargaining chips and obligations were.

Chapter 18

Well. Lots of title dropping. Lots of backstory exposition. Lots of sensations. I mean, it’s the chapter of the book. The one where I’m trying to explain in the best ways possible what it would feel like if people could share souls. The emotional overload doing so could be. Having a moment of being able to be the in between of masculine and feminine. It’s also the one scene in the book where I work the scene in it’s entirety. If you get into reading my other stories, here’s something to be aware of. I write detail and I don’t fade to black on consensual. If you run into a fade to black, you’ve probably found something uncomfortable. This book does have both. Read carefully.

Chapter 19

“That floating feeling…” yep. I pretty much set up that Eoin and others with the power have a built in addiction problem. A euphoric high on shared emotions. An ability to completely understand another person. That gets explained in more detail in Subgalaxia. Suffice it to say, it’s a big chemical dump of love hormones in the brain.

The burned out conference house and Eoin’s house are based architecturally on a set of archaeological designs from the Pictish time period that have been found both in the Hebrides area and amazingly enough in some areas of Africa. There was evidence of a low roofed structure specifically designed to make it a place of talking and difficult to resolve disputes physically. The house behind it is shaped like a person with a left and right arm for sleeping and storage, a center with a hearth(heart) and the head where cooking was done. I wish I could remember the name of the book I learned this in. I’d link it.

Chapter 20

The box of toys, blankets, and vials. This one has to deal with some things that I equate to people personally. I like archaeology and antiques. There are some things I don’t and won’t touch out of a bit of superstition for myself. Kids toys being one of them. That and baby blankets and things like that when I don’t know if the kid lived into a adulthood or not. Just a big fat nope for me. Even if I don’t believe in an afterlife and ghosts, this one is just a heebeejeebee thing for me, so I made some of my phobias into a spirit box.

The rest of the contents in the other box are references to historical ceremonial artifacts like the casting stones, the troughs, the tap tattoo sticks, and the garments. The seagull wings were a stretch, I made that one up based on some modern age tribes that use wings as a way of representing a freeing of the spirit during rituals in some island nations and Amazon areas.

Eoin’s tattoos. And the ones I use for my Avatar. It references back to the concept of the Lotus or rising from the base instincts to enlightenment and the concept of the four elements being ever present in the daily life, the change that never changes.

Eagal: to be afraidCraidh: painCorraich: angerCamhanaich: dawnTuradh: a break between cloudsGloaming: twilightThe Four wedding bands around the arms are to represent fire, water, earth, and wind.

The White Horse concept comes from an accumulation of mythologies distributed amongst the Proto-Indo-European language groups. I fudged with some of the legends for Eoin, but here’s a quick and dirty explanation if you aren’t familiar with some of the history behind White Horses. This is structured to later come in to play with the Red Hare Bai mentioned in Subgalaxia, and the Red Hare is based off a stallion portrayed in the 14th century novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms but I am getting way ahead of myself with that reveal. The word in this case means pure in this particular case and is a reference in a long running way that gets explained in Subgalaxia that the Fyskar are an offshoot from the original group of people who are now called the Tarim Mummies – or the Red headed mummies of China. This is a lot of geography, cultural exchange, and playing with history for the sake of fantasy and fiction.

I didn’t say this was going to be an easy read or make a lot of sense if I unstrung the whole thing.

Oh, and Sven in Polaris Skies is named after one of the archaeologists who discovered the Tarim Mummies.

Chapter 21 – 25

The crown is based on a red deer’s antlers, which finding how to describe that measurement and weight was not easy. Freshwater pearls and aqua-beryl are accessible semi-precious and precious jewels in the area.

Really, this section is wrapping up Eoin returning home, reuniting with his family and Mirza. I make him more decisive in his actions, accepting that he has had to leave behind his old life and facing his new life head on. It’s still not what he thought he would be ultimately from his early years, but he’s taking control of it and directing it as he wishes for what he can do. I do leave him in the end surrounded with aspects of home, but alone and learning to relax with being along, to be okay with the decisions he’s made.

So, shall I do an analysis on Subject15, Polaris Skies, and Subgalaxia?

If you like what you’re reading, why not click the Buy Me Sushi button?

Buy Me SushiAffiliate Link Disclosure

Lovestory Manga Wednesday: Black Bird

I’m over here with the cover staring at me silently telling myself “please be good, please be good, please be good.”

I love yokai and ayakashi stories. Opening it to the first panel and the female MC’s staring at a tengu on her desk and I’m just over here with a hand on my heart going, yes, speak to me. Please be like Kamisama Hajimemashite. I’m going to be super bitter and vengeful if you aren’t.

*ehem*

Oh, this is a prince charming story. Thank you. Thank you publishing gods for not giving me another mysoginistic guy jumps girl in an assault type way as the intro where the guy doing the assaulting is the freaking love interest. At least he claims her as his bride and not just “as his”. I’m not partial to the relegation of the love interest being an acquisition object.

Alright, a bit of personal space invasion, but…you know what, I’m good with how it’s setting up. I’m also a sucker for neck sucking, give me a break.

Nevermind. Teacher-pupil power dynamic and I got a cold shiver. The male MC was supposed to be a “couple years” older than the female MC. I wasn’t expecting them to go with him being a teacher to get close to her. I guess he couldn’t just enroll as a transfer student into her class with even a “small” age gap. But is there enough of a gap to warrant him having gotten his teaching license? I know in these stories the characters can just procure a license to get their way on things, but logistically speaking…

Some of the panel stacks make it difficult to follow the speech bubbles and the line of thought, but it’s not prevalent. The art style itself is consistent across the manga. Every once in a while I’ll run across one where it feels like there’s more than one artist in charge of drawing characters and the style gets a bit out of balance. This one is decent.

The built in drama of making the world dangerous for the woman and she ends up running to the prince charming for protection is…static? It’s been done. It’s nothing new. It’s not done poorly. It’s also not revolutionary. It’s a relatively decent manga, but it doesn’t make it into my “you must read this” list if someone asks for a list. It’s just not bad enough to make it into my “please don’t read this, it will scar you for life” list either.

As seems to be typical in the “the woman is cursed to be fated to be eaten by evil creatures unless she marries this one person” – the guy she’s fated to marry is possessive, jealous, controlling and there’s a bit of gaslighting if you want to know some of the relationship issues I’m spotting in this story are.

It’s neutral. I’m neutral about this one. That’s not a bad place to be after the last couple manga romances I’ve read. I’m not sold on the fact that they have no emotional development for a healthy relationship, he has some serious control issues, and she’s way to freaking young emotionally to get it. It is a problematic relationship covered chocolate, dusted with gold flecks. Looks pretty, tastes okay, leaves you with a bad stomach ache after.

Buy Me SushiAffiliate Link Disclosure

Symbolism within Fyskar Ch 8-14

Oh, quick side note from chapter 7 that I forgot to mention. The moment between Old Woman Naimh causing Cormac a heart attack. This is based off of the historic Pendle Witches and the Lancashire Trials of 1612. Alizon Device, granddaughter of Demdike, was accused of witchcraft by John Law who had suffered a heart attack or stroke while interacting with her. This whole fiasco spiraled into 12 people tried and 10 people murdered by the courts.

Chapter 8

For the most part, the interaction with the children in chapter 8 was my own observation of children I’ve minded over the last decade. The amount of fussing they can put up, and the weird things that will completely flummox them. Beards tend to be one thing that will confuse them to absolutely no end if they haven’t been raised around people with beards. The utter horror they go through when you shave a beard off that they grew up with is just about as funny to watch. The wheelwright came about from watching a British farm documentary. I don’t remember if it was for the Victorian or Edwardian period, but they covered wheelwrights, and I had never seen one mentioned in historical fiction before, so thought I’d toss it in.

I have typos in my book – I’m sorry, I suck at grammar and I can’t afford an editor, so it is what it is, however: Casabranca is not a typo. That was an old way of spelling it.

Chapter 9

Another aspect that is not spoken of very often in much of any fiction: taking a bath as a peasant in the 17th century. That or methods of teeth brushing. Or hair washing. I can go on. People tend to think the 17th century was disgusting and people didn’t understand how to keep clean. They did. They changed out their linen undergarments frequently. Washing down with a crock of soap and a rag were completely viable options. Also, Eoin, having spent time in Persia, took to the cleanliness adhered to by the people of the area.

Yoga as a method to stretch out. Gahveh or coffee. Simple morning rituals he could finally have back.

Now. Trying to remember that rug also means blanket within certain historical contexts was interesting and frustrating all at once.

I love Amina and Tau. To me, they are the older friends, not quite parent figures, but more like big sibling figures when you get into adult life. Amina has vitiligo, and Tau has a heavy melanin pigmintation based on Khoudia Diop, a Senegalese Model. I had read a series of news articles stating that individuals with vitiligo and having extremely dark skin are underrepresented in fashion and media. I am white, and am not in a position to delve too far into the topic. Honestly, I was scared for the better part of two years to bring the book out because of the entire section I spent on Egret Nest and Cairo.

Finding much of any historical material specifically for the occupents of the Congo area during the 17th century was not easy other than for a series of slave trade maps and some vague notations of tribe locations. I built Egret’s Nest on the base that there a known communities of people with vitiligo, albinism, and extreme melanin pigmentation, and area where Eoin and his sons would just be another addition. Most of Europe was completely packed with witch trials and I didn’t want to try navigating getting him through more witch hunter countries with a pair of children and logically he would not have ended up in the Americas because he didn’t have that kind of money.

I had a friend in college who had albinism. Rachel. She was part of the anime club with me. This was right about the time us Americans could get our hands on steampunk and lolita dresses and did she ever dress to the nines. Tiny with bright white hair down to her butt and phenomenal lashes. She had a pair of opera glasses with prescription lenses because her eyesight was terrible and she needed to be able to see the screen. I might have had a crush on her…anyways…

Chapter 10

A bit more back story. A bit more progression in the logic of the storyline. A lot of questioning how I was going to get Eoin to move out of paradise. There needed to be a develpmental catalyst that would make him have to go back for his kids’ birthright. If Egret’s Nest had not been raided, he would have stayed there and that would have been the end of the story and he never would have returned Skye.

Chapter 11

I was trying to figure out how to approach this section. The chapter was way to short, but it felt pretty stark and raw to go straight into Cairo. This was when I wrote in Vanora and back tracked and put her in the rest of the book. I wanted a bit more depth to Eoin’s character and a bit more dialogue development. Some breathing room from the raid so the tension could dissipate for the reader a bit.

Vanora: White Wave

Chapter 12

I twisted this chapter around and around for the better part of a month with enough research to make my head spin before I felt comfortable representing it the way I did. I was mad at how I had written the story up to that point. I was mad at the conclusions I was drawing. Honestly, I pointed out that people wouldn’t like the story in the story itself. I made both Fearchar and Seonaid angry and Eoin for it purely because I didn’t like this section in the plot, but it made sense in the long run.

Chapter 13

Intro the Zagros, the royal lineage, and Mirza – also known as Marduk. I based the ruler as a half brother in the Safavid dynasty who was not documented because he and some of his children have gigantism. Initially I was going to expound on Mirza’s propensity to collect people with a wide variety of differences because he was lonely and liked the interest. However, I couldn’t find an acceptable way to incorporate it in a way that was not exploitative and ended up deleting the section entirely.

Chapter 14

We get into the meet of Eoin’s relationship with Mirza and navigation of memories. I needed built in spacing for the reader to breath so the entire story would float between past and present.However, memories are not always linear in their recollection. I wanted to hint at some of what Eoin experienced without being explicit. I did fade to black in a way if only to not have to say what was going on, while allowing the reader to gain that sinking pit sensation in their stomach about his experiences with Marduk. The guy. I don’t know. He’s not meant to be a villain. He’s also not meant to be a knight in shining armor. I want people to realize that both he and Eoin use each other for mutual benefit and that even that direction of though can still leave behind trauma.

Okay. So that’s it for this symbolism study on Fyskar. I’ll get into chapters 15-25 a bit later. If you like what you’re seeing, pick up the book or check out my Buy Me Sushi button. Support is always greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Buy Me SushiAffiliate Link Disclosure

Symbolism within Fyskar

The Kavordian Library consists of the books: Fyskar, Subject15, Polaris Skies, and Subgalaxia. These books come before Gods of Fire. I say that, because most people are not aware that The Fire in My Blood, though the 1st book in Gods of Fire, is the 5th book in the series, starting with Fyskar.

This is going to get super spoilery for people who don’t like books being spoiled, but I wanted to talk about some of the deep level stuff in my books and thought I’d start from the beginning with Fyskar.

Fyskar initially started off as a dream of a guy named Shale taking a gas mask off a sleeping man who had been his partner in the gulf war, only to find out the guy was the last of a rare tribe of people. Dream cut off there, thanks brain.

So, I played with the idea, but nixed it in favor of switching to a plague mask, which landed me in historical fiction territory. I wrote Polaris Skies first of this whole batch, and a couple chapters in Subgalaxia and Subject15 before going – “hold up, I need to back way up to the start of this whole thing”.

This story is built for you to specifically get to the fourth book and understand what it is for history to wipe you from it’s pages. For you to hate what the world can do to an individual just for them to be forgotten. How entire peoples can be obliterated and the world keeps spinning, a hollow void slowly filled in as the living generations disappear and the stories are lost. It’s my love affair with archaeology. It was my therapy for dealing with not becoming the person I set out to be because the world ticked over.

The four books are also structured such that you won’t get all the information on the first read.

Fyskar takes place in 1692 – 10 years after the Daleroch clan destroy’s Eoin’s clan. Eoin was born in 1659. The Great Plague of London was the last major outbreak in 1665-1666 – leaving Eoin at the age of 7 when his mom and dad died of plague. Impressionable enough to remember plague masks, just enough in history that a living generation would remember the horrors.

So, shall we begin?

All Sun Makes a Desert

– Arabic Proverb

Chapter 1:

We open on a poem by Eoin about returning home. The closing of the book is him returning home too.

Bágh Faoileag translates to Seagull Bay. Birds pop up in my book a lot as a symbol of both freedom and captivity and a play on the bird mask of the plague. I found a lovely website that listed the birds native to the Isle of Skye that also listed when they were regularly sited. Mentioning the Brent Goose specifically was to show the migratory pattern and set up the season the story was starting in.

An engraving of a birlinn in Oronsay

I had a fascinating day of researching ships and boats common to the Isles around Scotland in the 17th century, their uses, and their cargo depths. I did reach out to the historical society of the Isle of Skye along with several realtors to see if I could get some input on accuracy of houses and history, but amazingly enough I couldn’t get a single person to return any of my requests, so I probably didn’t approach my requests well. If I come off historically inaccurate in the book, it was not for a lack of trying.

The next interesting issue was clothing. I used it as a way to show wealth and difference. Coming in dressed as an Englishman with camel leather and falconers gloves was an interesting choice, and way to make him different. The sky blue of Eoin’s main garments is a throwback to the dominant field color of his tartan. Yes, I realize that tartan’s have a wobbly history when it comes to fiction and accuracy. I figured I could get away with it because it rode that line between the 17th and 18th century when established systems were set down for the colors and clans. Fyskar is a variant for Fisher and the colors for the Fyskar tartan are based off shades of the ocean, like most early tartans are a camouflage or easily accessible dye color from the local area.

I took the better part of a day and a half learning what colors were historically accurate for leather dying techniques in 17th century Persia when it came specifically to camel hide. Yes. Red is an actual achievable color. I also chose it as a way to represent Eoin’s rebirth from being a person of the Isle of Skye to a person of Persia.

The gold and turquoise brooch was a gift from Marduk. Persian turquoise comes from Iranian mines and was used as the coloration for a lot of the blue tile work in the architecture there. It is also called Neyshabur turquoise – after Shabur the 1, which literally translates to King’s Son. Really deeply buried reference to both Eoin’s past and Marduk’s position.

Marduk get’s explained a few chapters later into the book, but bear with me as I explain other things first.

Back to clothing. Those stockings. They were a weird deviation into fashion history for me. Also, a way to throw back some info on why King Henry VIII died. He suffered an injury and because he was diabetic late in life, by tying his stalkings too tight, he essentially ruined his blood flow in his legs which turned necrotic, killing him. I don’t mention Henry, but I do mention the stockings because I thought that was interesting.

The names of characters, such as Hepsibah, Magaidh, and Beatrice are all traceable back to a 17th century Scottish church register I found posted online. This also includes Eoin’s father, mother, husband, wife, and children. I will qualify here that I have no idea how to pronounce their names correctly.

I’ll try to save the name thing for a little later because that one can get deep and weird all at once.

Fearchar’s appearance has to do with a large section of my dad’s side of the family who claim heritage to the Craig clan. They’re all strawberry blondes who couldn’t grow a mustache to save their lives well into their late 40s.

Let’s talk money. Or how hard it was to work out what regular pay was for people in the Isle of Skye circa late 17th century. From what I could figure, silver and gold were used, but both were pretty much a rich person’s coin. So the gold coin bet was set up as Fearchar making an entire year’s earning if not more when Magaidh bet him.

Chapter 2

Eoin’s motions, such as when he greets Magaidh are based on the French sign language. I found one reference to a very old text on sign language in French circa 17th century, but was hard pressed to locate much in it other than the alphabet as a single picture. This is the particular for why Eoin speaks “the Norman’s language” when signing.

The mention of MacDonald clan by Fearchar has to deal with the Massacre of Glencoe and the signing of allegiance with William III the Prince of Orange. Fearchar might enjoy battle, but he doesn’t want to see the Jacobite rebellion again.

When Fearchar accepts the coins from Eoin,he starts referring to him as Weard – which has some origins in use of the term “bread provider” or “provider” a variation for calling Eoin boss. Slowly through the book I have Fearchar switch from Doc and Weard to Chief to Laird as he learns more of Eoin’s titles as a sign of respect.

Food wise, in the marketplace, Eoin doesn’t buy the pork, and through the whole of the book I never mention that he eats it. He does drink alcohol though. This was not uncommon for the period – seeing as not all water sources were safe. I was trying to give a throwback to his years spent living in Persia and the taboo around pork. Also, just the history of the import of pigs to the islands and how finicky the creatures can be to raise, especially in cold environments.

*Side note – I make a dig at William and Mary in a different chapter purely out of spite because I applied for the college and got rejected on the justification of being 1 point shy from their ACT cap when I had been accepted for Honors College at a different university. I wanted to go to William and Mary. So, yes, I took my frustration out on the college.*

The Daleroch was derived from a name that is no longer utilized as a clan name, it went out of use some time in the 17th century from the records, so I figured I could get away with using it for a clan I was going to wipe out.

Conner Daleroch – his first name means “descendant of hound” or “lover of hounds” – yes. I was calling him a son of a – or a reference to the old say “those who lay with hounds beget flees”.

Romney, is named such because his name means “winding river” – seamed fitting for a ship’s captain.

Apothecary cabinet circa 1890s-1900s

I had a hard time finding a good reference for an apothecary cabinet from the 1600s, but there has been evidence of traveling midwives and doctors well before then, so I ran with the concept that one could have been built back in the time period easily enough.

It was not uncommon knowledge within royalty and nobility that a poison tester was kept on hand. Eoin keeps the apothecary box not only to act as a doctor for the people, but also to keep track of a wide variety of poisons he was responsible for keeping Marduk from getting sick from. I really wanted to take a history of medicine class in college, but you had to be in the pre-med program to be able to take it. That sucked because it was a history class and I was getting a Liberal Arts degree in Art History and History and so much in the way of art deals in poisonous pigments and so much history is preserved through the act of preserving human life. I still want that class.

Chapter 3

So, pressing question, why did I make Seonaid a prostitute? Honestly, I had just watched a series of fascinating documentaries on the position prostitutes held from the most powerful pirate captain in China to the bordelos of the American West. It was one of the few jobs, as long as it wasn’t within a pimping ring, that women could make a substantial amount of money. Frequently unmarried, it meant that it was their money and not their husbands. They were some of the few who bought their own property because they had the money to do it with. I wanted to show Seonaid as a woman who could find her own way in the world. At the same time, I point out between Eoin and Fearchar’s interactions that if the world wasn’t the way it was, she would have been something else entirely and been good at it.

Poor Eoin, I have Seonaid go prancing around him naked, thinking he’s some virgin and for him he’s having a hard time because A: he hasn’t been around a lot of women, let alone naked women, in about 5 years and definitely not in that capacity, and B: he isn’t touched much and she’s invading his personal bubble. This is more just me having a veiled conversation with myself about how I find people attractive and don’t like being touched because I have a difficult time figuring out if people are flirting with me if they are touching/invading my personal bubble.

It’s not that I’m not a cuddly person. I like snuggling and that dopamine release that comes with the anxiety reduction. Touching is just intimate to me and anything outside of that just raises a bunch of question bubbles above my head where I have to navigate – is this person trying to greet me, comfort me, be comforted, what do they want because it’s not what I’m probably projecting here so back off no touchies. Hiss, hiss.

Chapter 4

The Golden Eagle, Qasim, one of Eoin’s birds. The name comes from the meaning “One Who Distributes” which harkens back to Eoin’s use of the birds in his rituals of communicating with the dead.

Chapter 5

Eoin encounters home. What was home. What was filled with love and everything dear to him. The table his husband carved. Conner is housed in Douglas and Torchall’s old bedroom, and Eoin, having to treat the son of the man who killed his own sons, is faced with the decision of poisoning the man or saving him.

Honestly, in the book, I was trying to figure out how Eoin would go about killing off the whole clan when I decided to have him not kill Conner. So, when Fearchar starts mentioning making the whole thing look like plague, I had one of the biggest “oh, no duh” moments in my life. Gotta love 5 a.m. shower thoughts. It looks like it should have been the obvious conclusion. It was not.

Killing of Magaidh was one more level of pain to add to Eoin’s life. But, I needed for him to be free of ties to the Isle for when he left back home.

Chapter 6

Okay, this is where I probably screwed some things up with traditions, but I made an attempt. Hogamany.

There are some aspects to this that I picked up on. Dark haired individuals were supposed to be better luck for first footers – the first person to cross the door at midnight. A good omen for the house. Eoin has white hair, a bad omen to those living in the house.

Hogamany is a clearing of debts and a cleaning of the house before the new year. This is, in a way, Eoin clearing the debts between the Fyskar and the Daleroch, cleaning house so to speak. Closing the book on this phase of his life.

Salt and coal were more traditional practices for gift giving, though alcohol was not entirely unheard of. A sharp object was another bad omen, and Eoin brings a hatchet with him. If I could set up bad predictions any more, it would have been a bit explicit.

Some of the blessings of the dead are sporadic tidbits of traditions I have strung together from a variety of pagan blessings harkening back to stories of the Picts, the Gauls, the Britons, and the Druids.

Chapter 7

Hello to the old dream. The one that started it all.

Alfr is an old name for elf, which derives from the proto-Indo-European for White. Eoin is not albino, but he does have the Tolkien elf appearance that Seonaid points out. He’s supposed to look starkly different from the people of the Isle. Enough difference to be the last of the Pict. I play with the history of the Pict by floating the idea that they had a recessive psychic power as a way to point out how the witch persecution, or for that matter, a persecution of a people and their destruction can wipe out a great many things from the world. This is the “there were once psychics in the world” story.

Eoin’s torc is a reference to a gold horde found in the Middle East that proved trade between the Celts and through the reaches of the Roman empire. One of those “not completely impossible” elements.

The long hair thing. Quite a lot of cultures, at least within the pagan religions, see the hair as an aspect of the life force, a connection with the supernatural. Also, for the visual shock factor. This was initially constructed to be a webcomic after all.

You remember how I mentioned touch to me is intimate. I approached Eoin in a way of, if people could touch me, if they could walk into my soul and sit and chat for a while, what would I show them, what could I tell them? Where would I be? The void, to me in this set of stories, is the soul’s home, where they felt love, felt safe, felt accepted. Eoin’s is in Egret’s Nest, not Marduk’s palace.

I think, at this point, I shall call it quits on a symbolic dissection of my book. Maybe, if there’s enough interest, I can do another batch of chapters.

Buy Me SushiAffiliate Link Disclosure

Video Game Review Tuesday: Scrabble (3DS)

Well.

I’ve made worse decisions in life. For the amount I paid for the cartridge, I’ve had worse food in my life. I picked this one up used for about $7 and gave it a run through.

I liked playing Scrabble as a kid. I could appreciate the automation of the number tracker for a video game. Also, I don’t really have anyone that wants to play the board game with me right now. I picked up the National Parks Scrabble Game at the beginning of the pandemic, only to discover no one in my house likes it, so it’s just staring at me now. Grant it, the box art is super pretty. So, I’m not finding too much of a problem with it.

This video game though…okay, first off, you have to hold the console sideways. That is freaking awkward. I get it. I understand why the game is set up that way, but…no? Just no? Could we have not?

The play method isn’t bad, but for some reason, it just doesn’t quite feel correct. Maybe it’s the aspect of playing against the machine and not someone else. I had hopes this would resolve my Scrabble desires. I was delusional.

I don’t know how to define what is wrong with it. The tiles and the play work. But that’s all it does. It isn’t gratifying and honestly, I played maybe four games on it, set it away, and now it’s gathering dust until I can get a chance to trade it in.

If you have the capacity to enjoy computerized board games, this will probably solve your scrabble needs. I prefer gaming against another human with these types of games. I wouldn’t have known that had I not picked up this game. I’d rather play it on a physical board where I can hold a conversation with someone while I’m contemplating tiles though.

Buy Me SushiAffiliate Link Disclosure

Manga Cafe Monday: Goblin Slayer

Trigger and Content Warning.

This series is dark, morbid, deals in blood, death, gore, mental health, physical abuse, nudity, assault, and in general should be consumed with foreknowledge that it is designed for an adult audience.

With that in mind:

Oh yes. This one. I love this one. I’ve watched the anime twice and read the manga twice. This is going to be my third read through.

I’m hearing mutterings in the back. Ok, okay. We’ll address the issue first. The glaring one. The one that seemingly everyone I’ve ever talked to about this who is not blessed/cursed with a uterus has brought up.

It’s super dark.

I don’t actually find it all that dark. Uterus holder that I am, this manga is honestly, to me, rather blase for all the “dark, dark, dark, sick” that gets bandied about. No. This is just in your face about the thing uterus holders get taught from the time we’re, what, three?

We’re taught to watch where we walk at night. To not go down side streets or strange alleys. To avoid strangers. To avoid parking lots late. To park under lights. To know which lots have working security cameras. To put safety bars in our sliding doors.

This series is literally what we are taught what will happen to us by other humans, not goblins, since almost the time we’re born. I haven’t heard, in real life, from too many other uterus holders that this is a dark anime. Because we get it. It’s just another slice of the anxiety in the back of our head. It’s like “yep, know that fear intimately, and daily, so, when do we get to the dark part?”

I love the Goblin Slayer in this. He does fit that “hero” role for damsel in distress situations. However, he breaks the mold because guess what, he doesn’t develop some weird romantic heart beating out of his chest infatuation, and the cleric following him around might have a lightweight crush on him, but they work together. They WORK. They aren’t trying to flirt every five seconds. He depends on her as much as she depends on him. He might have a level advantage because he specializes, but he doesn’t push that advantage to the detriment of his comrade.

This isn’t a “save the princess in the castle.” It’s not a “the empire has failed us”. It’s not “Look at me, I’m a strong woman who gets in over her head and needs a guy to come rescue me every two minutes.” This is a solid platonic partnership. The guy is pretty blunt, which can rub some people the wrong way. A “he has no compassion.” No. Dig deeper. He sees when there is no other option in a situation. He can and will improvise when able. He does the job no one else can or will do in order to help keep people safe.

Yes, it sounds like I’m singing praises here. I’d just like to see these kinds of characters and relationships more often in anime. Ones where you don’t have to depend on drama, jealousy, misunderstandings, or slap stick comedy to change or lighten a mood.

This one is dark. It touches on subjects meant to disturb the market audience it reaches. I’m glad for that. I’m glad it disturbs those who don’t have a uterus that feel revulsion on reading it. I want them to have an ounce of sympathy jammed into their skull so they can understand what it feels like to walk to your car at midnight wondering if there is someone sitting in the backseat and you’re going to be the body on the side of the train tracks found three days later.

That is what this story is. It is the daily fear we hold and the fear we wish others would actually understand and internalize for two seconds. This needs to be where we show the type of hero we want. The one that doesn’t see us as a piece of meat or a broodmare after rescuing us from the other guy. No. Fix the problem. Be the example. Make it not okay to assault uterus holders.

Its a revenge story, a cautionary tale, and an example all rolled into one big ball of dynamic action and cunning traps. It’s what I’ve wanted to say forever and never been able to get people who don’t have a uterus to understand what that terror is.

“Why are you so anxious? Why are you worried? Meet me for dinner.” etc. etc. etc.

Because the world flipping scarred an entire segment of the population from the time they were born and I’m sick and tired of it.

This one hits every one of my slash and hack do it, do it, do it gratification buttons when I see goblins fall.

Buy Me SushiAffiliate Link Disclosure

Anime Cinema Friday: Silver Spoon

I’ve watched it.

At least four times over the years since its release.

And I love every second of it.

Alright review done.

You’re still here? You want more? No. No, I mean, it’s good, go watch it.

Okay, fine, I hear you in the back, stop yelling.

City boy, meet country school. Country school, keep city boy from getting killed by large domesticated livestock. I live in the middle of ag country. I keep chickens, ducks, and geese, some of my family keeps cattle, horses, donkeys, goats. Some of them came from pig farmers. So, having at least one solidly relatable anime is really nice.

At the same time, the concept of the school in Gin no Saji is fascinating. It introduces the aspects of commercial farming, what dealing with large school chicken egg operations are, or greenhouses. Facing the fact that the animals are turned into meat. The joy in the end of the day of taking part in the food you raised. The feelings of struggle and accoplishment without need for a central villain. This is one of those man vs. environment situations and the aspect of humans going into it willingly.

The opening and closing music is catchy as all get out. The animation is clean with good linework and decent timing for reduction to chibi humor from detailed world. Due to the slice of life nature, the storyline is not complex in and of itself. It looks instead at the subtleties of what the agricultural industry faces in Japan. How farms can go under if there aren’t enough people helping. How people deal with the emotions of raising animals for feed. What the toll is for people waking up at four in the morning every day and going to bed well past dark. That struggle, and that people are willing to do it.

The ag industry catches a lot of flack for “unintelligent people”. They may not know how to create a vaccine, but they tend to be able to reconstruct their own machines, need to be their own vets within reason, be their own weathermen, soil analysts, botanist, herd guards, and innovators.

I want to call it a non-revolutionary anime, purely on the fact that it is a school slice-of-life. However, I have yet to encounter an anime that delves so deep into the world of the agricultural industry. In that way, the story is different from most.

Its not magic, or fantasy. There is no sci-fi. It shows you the struggle, and it shows you the reward.

It’s a good one to relax to, find out interesting tidbits of information, and in general, get to know the characters at an even pace.

I love it.

And I wish they had brought out more swag, ’cause I really want a figurine of the MC.

Buy Me SushiAffiliate Link Disclosure