Hillary Rettig's Blog, page 7

A Self-Critical Paragon of Productivity

Last weekend, a woman with whom I was speaking on a business matter told me she was “really could use help” with her time management, citing as proof the fact that we were working over the weekend. She had forgotten, however, that the reason we were doing so wasn’t because of anything she had done, […]

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The Welcome Debunking of “Grit”

I’m happy to report that “grit,” that awful, victim-blaming concept, has largely been debunked. An Education Week piece by University of San Francisco psychology professor Christine Yeh reports that Grit author Angela Duckworth has been forced to walk back some of her book’s key claims: “Much Ado about Grit: A Meta-Analytic Synthesis of the Grit Literature” by Marcus Crede […]

When a Success Leaves You *Less* Able to Do Your Work

I use the term “situational perfectionism” to describe circumstances that cause your perfectionism to spike. A failure (or perceived failure) can do that, but so, paradoxically, can a success, especially if it causes you to feel more visible or scrutinized. J.K. Rowling experienced this after the exceptional success of the first Harry Potter book, but […]

Dogs Don’t Like Perfectionism Either!

This piece by Nancy Tanner on how impatience ruins dog training is brilliant: When I am asked what is the biggest problem I see in dog training today, it is the same problem I saw fourteen years ago, and thirty years ago, it is the misunderstanding of time. It takes time to learn how to […]

Michelin Chef Says Non! to Relentless Competition

I was inspired by the news of the Michelin chef who has asked to be removed from the prestigious ratings system:

“One of France’s most celebrated chefs, whose restaurant has been honoured with three stars in the Michelin guide for almost 20 years, has pleaded to be stripped of the prestigious ranking because of the huge pressure of being judged on every dish he serves.

“Sébastien Bras, 46, who runs the acclaimed Le Suquet restaurant in Laguiole where diners look over sweeping views of the Aubrac plateau in the Aveyron while tasting local produce, announced on Wednesday that he wanted to be dropped from the rankings of France’s gastronomic bible.

“Michelin said it was the first time a French chef had asked to be dropped from its restaurant guide in this way, without a major change of positioning or business model.

“Bras said he wanted to be allowed to cook excellent food away from the frenzy of star ratings and the anxiety over Michelin’s anonymous food judges, who could arrive at his restaurant at any moment.”

As someone whose Facebook friends were once amazed by a picture of her cooking with two burners at once, I can’t even imagine what it takes to run a Michelin level kitchen. But the pressure must be astounding. Kudos to Bras for getting off the treadmill.

One of the worst things about perfectionism is that it severely overvalues (a) product over process, and (b) external recognition and rewards. The Michelin system seems to take all that to an extreme. And, make no mistake, perfectionism can kill:

“Bras said that like all chefs he sometimes found himself thinking of Bernard Loiseau, the acclaimed French chef who killed himself in 2003, an act widely seen as linked to rumours that he would lose his third Michelin star.”

Happily, Bras isn’t alone in saying non! to perfectionism:

“Bras is one of only 27 French chefs who hold top rankings in the Michelin restaurant guide. He is not the first chef to walk away from the competitive world of Michelin-star cooking. However, others have only done so as part of a closure or a radical change to their restaurants.

“In 2005, Paris restaurateur Alain Senderens – one of the pioneers of nouvelle cuisine – shocked the culinary world by giving back his three stars, claiming that diners were turned off by excessive luxury. He later reopened the restaurant under another name, with a simpler menu at a fraction of his old prices.

“In 2008, three-star chef Olivier Roellinger closed his luxury restaurant in the Breton fishing village of Cancale, saying he wanted a quieter life.”

If ambitious chefs in very public roles can say non! to competition and perfectionism, then let’s all try to follow their example!

Have you or anyone you know opted out of a tough competition? Were you / they happier for it? We’d love to hear your experience in the comments.

How to Interrupt a Social Media “Ludic Loop”

“Ludic” is a cute word, and it means “showing a kind of spontaneous and undirected playfulness.” A “ludic loop” is less cute, however. That’s when you get stuck bouncing from one procrastination-enabling activity to another: e.g., from email to the Web to your social media feed to YouTube, and then back to email again, etc. Ludic loops can be really difficult to defeat, for a couple of reasons:

They’re not just fun–or, at least, distracting–but give you the illusion of productivity. And,
They reward you intermittently–just like slot machines! So, every once in a while, you DO get a “worthwhile” email, Tweet, etc., and that keeps you hooked and waiting for more.

Not all time spent on social media, etc., is necessarily ludic; and even if you do wind up in a loop sometimes it’s not a big deal. Still, if left unchecked, ludic loops can eat up your time and life and happiness, so let’s look at some solutions:

1) Figure out how much ludic stuff you want to do. When helping people budget their time, I recommend starting with an hour a day of escapism. Could be TV, gaming, social media, naps, whatever–the whole point is that you *don’t* have to account for it. (Although less is better, obviously.) And you can increase or shrink that amount as needed. Just set a target so the activity doesn’t expand infinitely.

Please note that this budgeted escapism is in addition to: (1) social media, etc., done as a necessary and efficient part of your work; and (2) socializing, participatory sports, creative pursuits, and other forms of what I call “replenishing recreation,” which are generally authentically pleasurable and life-enhancing (versus escapist).

2) Always work on a “vanilla” computer that doesn’t have any games and is not hooked up to the Internet. This is super-important! Prolificness comes not from magically locating some heretofore hidden source of willpower, but altering one’s environment in ways that support one’s ability to do one’s work. (So willpower, as such, is irrelevant.) Some people are aghast when I mention disconnecting! But you not only can do it, you should. (Related)

This generally means having at least two PC’s–one for offline work (e.g., writing) and one for online work, gaming, and other potential distractions. I know that not everyone can afford two, but for many applications (e.g., writing), a gently-used or low-end computer will be fine. And if you do have the funds, spending a few hundred dollars to liberate lots of your precious time and attention is a great investment.

Alternatively, you could work in a place without WiFi, or use a program like Freedom or AntiSocial to temporarily disable your connectivity. Since it’s possible to cheat on both of those methods (by moving to a new location or rebooting), however, generally speaking they won’t work as well as using a second, vanilla PC.

3) Physically separate yourself from distracting tech. It’s not enough to shut off your phone while working: you need to leave it in another room.

4) Time your breaks. Datexx cube timers work well for this, or use any kitchen or other timer with a loud alarm.

5) Make your work and life happier and more interesting. Unhappiness and boredom will drive you toward ludic escapism. (Here’s my free ebook on looking for a new job.)

6) Organize and automate your email and social media. Delete unnecessary contacts, shut off alerts, and create rules and filters so everything gets filed automatically. (The goal is to read it when you’re ready, instead of having it constantly interrupt you.) If you’re not a social media adept, don’t struggle along trying to figure things out: pay or bribe an expert to help.

Do you have any other techniques for avoiding getting sucked into a ludic loop? If so, please leave them in the comments.

Research Agrees: You Should Use Money to Buy Time

Loved this piece from a couple of weeks ago, describing a study in which researchers found that people who pay others to do work they don’t want to do are happier for it:

“New research is challenging the age-old adage that money can’t buy happiness.

“The study, led by researchers at the University of British Columbia and Harvard Business School, suggests that using money to buy free time — such as paying to delegate household chores like cleaning and cooking — is linked to greater life satisfaction.

“People who hire a housecleaner or pay the kid next door to mow the lawn might feel like they’re being lazy,” said study lead author Ashley Whillans, assistant professor at Harvard Business School who carried out the research as a PhD candidate in the UBC department of psychology. “But our results suggest that buying time has similar benefits for happiness as having more money.”

I’ve been preaching this for years, often getting pushback about the whole “laziness” thing, or from people who believe that delegation is innately exploitative. Of course, if this is someone’s deeply held conviction, I wouldn’t argue with it. But just in case it’s not so deeply held for you, let me just point out that:

1) People need jobs, and your “bad job” is probably someone else’s “great job,” especially if you pay and treat them well. (Of course, I know all of my dear readers would do that!)

2) It’s hard to succeed at any kind of ambitious goal if you’re spending a lot of time doing chores and busy work. Once, a skeptical young person of my acquaintance went to an event where a panel of six successful woman entrepreneurs spoke on how they had succeeded. All made a point of saying they did as little housework or other tedium as possible, and that that was crucial to their success. And so my friend came back and told me, “NOW I understand why you keep saying not to do housework!”

3) “Quick” chores almost always take longer than we anticipate, and interruptions are more expensive, time-wise, than we realize. And time isn’t even your most valuable resource: mental space and energy is. Even a trivial task that is on the back of your mind is sapping mental energy and attention better used elsewhere.

I also get that some people don’t have much money. But many people spend too much money on material possessions that don’t make them very happy (or, at least, not for very long), and not enough on services or experiences that yield a richer and longer lasting happiness.

Also, some of the services don’t cost much. Some supermarkets deliver for free or cheap. (Just be sure to add a generous tip!) When I was semi-broke and living in a 5th floor walkup in Boston’s Beacon Hill, I gladly, ecstatically paid once a month for delivery so someone else would carry heavy containers of laundry detergent, multiple jars of spaghetti sauce, etc., up all those stairs. And take- out meals may not actually be that much more expensive or unhealthy than cooking for yourself.

Dropping your laundry off for someone else to do might only cost ten or twenty dollars more each month than doing it yourself, and you get to reclaim all those hours. (But if you need more help, like a weekly cleaning person, and have the means to hire one, by all means do it.)

Please note that I’m NOT saying you shouldn’t cook or garden if you sincerely love those activities. If you do, then go for it! Just make sure you’re not using that activity as a vehicle for procrastination. (Procrastination as a mimic of productive work, and yeah: considerations or procrastination aside, it’s possible to do too much housework.) Also, the goal isn’t simply to save time and energy, it’s about devoting as much of your precious life as possible to the things that bring you joy and fulfillment. As writer Gail Godwin put it in one of her short stories, we all have only, “a short-term lease among the stars.”

Are you pro or con hiring someone to help out? Please join the discussion below.

PS – In case you missed it, here’s Fast Company’s recent piece based on my idea that you should strive to live your summer life all year long.

(Based in part on information in this blog post.)

Thank you Fast Company!

I’m kvelling! A few weeks ago a wonderful Fast Company writer, Stephanie Vozza, approached me for input into an article on how to be as productive as possible during the summer. I told her that I actually thought the opposite: that summer should be for relaxing, and, moreover, that in summer people often relax into their authentic selves. So the goal should really be to carry one’s summer productivity habits and attitudes into the rest of the year, so one can live more joyfully and authentically all year long.

It was a pretty contrarian view and, to be honest, I didn’t expect Stephanie to rework her entire article around it. But that’s exactly what she did! Huge props to her and also to her editor for approving the switch! The result is this article and I couldn’t be prouder or more honored. I hope it inspires many people (including all of you, my FB friends) to live their summer life all year long.

Many thanks to Stephanie and Fast Company! Also, here’s a blog post in which I also explored this idea.

Parenting Is Not a Zero Sum Game!

From Evelyn Tsitas, an exceptionally useful blog post about what it took for her to write her thesis:

Admit it, if you are a mother, there is always that nagging voice somewhere – yours or some critic – that says ‘intense focus and study at the expense of much of everything else in your life will be bad for your young children.’

Rubbish.

Low expectations, complacency and laziness* are limiting. Constantly pushing your boundaries and challenging your comfort zone, on the other hand, teach children not to be limited in their aspirations while at the same time reinforcing that anything worth achieving takes hard work, and sacrifice.If you are completing your doctorate and fretting about your children taking a back seat, don’t worry. The mum up late studying, turning down social invitations, spending holidays at the computer or university library may be absent from her children’s lives in some ways, but she is abundantly present in ways which matter in the long term.

I can tell you first hand that far from harm my children, my back to back MA and PhD while my two sons were young gave them the gift of knowing success demands:Perseverance, commitment, focus, determination, time management, and deferred gratification.

I never volunteered to help out at their school, I refused to play the game of keeping up domestic appearances, and I rarely even went to school social events. You know what? I speak from experience here – I was raised by a mother who studied, and I have friends who completed their doctorates while their children were young. We are here to tell you the world will not end, nor will social structures collapse, if you do not help out at your child’s school or socialise with the other mothers.

AMEN. A common thing that holds parents–and, especially, in my experience, moms–back is the zero-sum idea that their success must come at their children’s expense. But the only way to accomplish something big–whether it’s writing a thesis or book, starting a business, getting/staying in shape, or doing substantial political or community work–is to devote significant time to it. This means that, for sure, you’re going to have to stop doing some things you’re already doing, in parenting and other areas of life. (*Note: I’m not keen on using labels like “complacency” and “laziness”–disempowerment being the root cause of underproductivity–but the rest holds true.)

And you’re almost certainly going to have to stop doing some things most other parents do.

People who don’t come to terms with this reality often remain ambivalent, i.e., stuck between two seemingly-opposing goals. It’s a really unpleasant, not to mention, unproductive, place to be. And it doesn’t help if you perfectionistically constantly measure your performance against an idealized version of your role, so that it becomes a battle between your “superparent” and “superachiever” personae.

The solutions are to:

(1) Get real about your time, energy, and other constraints. This may involve saying goodbye to:

A goal you really want to accomplish, only not as much as some other goals. (You can return to it later if you want.) And,
An image of yourself as some kind of superachiever.

(It’s okay, and probably a good idea, to mourn these losses.)

You do this by creating a weekly time budget and schedule to figure out how, exactly, you want to invest your precious time. (Detailed instructions in my book The 7 Secrets of the Prolific and here are some helpful forms you can download free.)

(2) Stop seeing parenting as a zero-sum game. Your kids will benefit enormously from watching you wrestle with conflicting goals, make tough choices, defend your schedule and priorities, and otherwise make the best of things in an imperfect world. Also from your modeling hard work and perseverance. As Tsitas reports:

The past 12 months in my household have been a demanding ones, with my eldest son completing his final year at school. And although it has been three years exactly since I graduated with my PhD, he still sees me work long into the night on my creative and academic writing, after a day of commercial writing in communications. He knows what it takes to achieve your goals.

And I have to say – he took note. We celebrated last month when his terrific exam results netted him a place in a prestigious university course and put him on track for the architecture career he aspires to….

He wasn’t out at parties, he was at his desk. No pain – no gain. If there is one thing I have taught him over the years it is the success that comes from deferred gratification.

At his 18th birthday celebration, just before his last exams, he thanked me for being both supportive and a role model and showing me how it is done.

One of my own precious childhood memories is that of the summer my father took a math course he needed for a work promotion. I particularly remember him doing his homework at our community pool, sitting quiet and focused at a shaded table while everyone around us was running around having fun in the sun. Even at age nine, I was impressed by his dedication.

Which brings us to…

(3) Ask Your Kid. Even the little ones are capable of understanding this situation and supporting you. So, level with your kid: “Mom loves spending time with you, but it’s also really important that she work on her novel, and she feels bad when she doesn’t. Do you have any ideas for solving this problem?” (Also see the “Encouraging Cooperation” chapter of the parenting classic, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, a communications primer I recommend to everyone regardless of parental status.) Some of the best moments in my teaching career have come from people reporting the results of these kinds of discussions. One five-year-old pondered for just a moment before suggesting that she and her dad, “do our homework together.” So every evening, the two of them sat side-by-side at the dining room table, he working on his business plan and she doing her coloring, with her occasionally pausing to “check his work.”

Just be prepared for some uncomfortable truths, like when your kid reveals that, no, it’s not actually important to him that you attend his soccer practices. Or, when your kid reminds you–as the four-year-old daughter of another of my students reminded her mom when she offered to read a second bedtime story–“Isn’t it time for you to start studying, Mommy?”

If you have thoughts or suggestions on balancing parenting with other goals, please leave them in the comments!

Self-Care Now More Than Ever!

Audre Lord

Here’s a reminder that self-care becomes even more important during stressful times. The need for self-care would seem obvious, except that some on the right deride people who ask for it as weak, and a culture that supports it as dysfunctional. That attitude diffuses into the general culture and causes people to feel guilty about wanting or needing self-care.

Some good people also feel guilty for “taking time off” to care for themselves when there’s important social justice work to be done or others in need of serious help. But your disempowering yourself through self-neglect isn’t going to help anyone. (To paraphrase the airlines, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others.) Many successful activists (and others, of course) devote hours each day to exercise and other forms of self-care, which helps them maintain not just their health and energy, but motivation and focus.

As the poet and activist Audre Lorde famously wrote: “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

I think most people know what self-care consists of: abundant sleep, good nutrition, exercise, recreation, socializing, and being proactive on any physical and mental health needs. But what it really is, is a commitment. If you’re not giving up other activities to care for yourself, you’re probably not really caring for yourself.

How much self-care do you need? The answer is, “as much as you need.” Part of self-care is listening to, and trusting, yourself. If you feel like you need more sleep, or more time off, or to consult a doctor, therapist or other professional, respect that truth and act accordingly. Almost all of us need more self-care than we like to admit, but denying one’s need for it is perfectionist (shortsighted and grandiose), and therefore a dead end.

And never, ever judge your need for self-care, because that’s also a perfectionist dead end.

An under-discussed aspect of self-care is filtering your inputs, both offline and especially online. If your social media feed is currently an ongoing stream of panic, fear, rage, grief, negativity, and other disempowering emotions, it’s not helping either you or the cause. (Or, probably, the people posting.) So filter it (and your offline discussions, if necessary) to let in more information and strategies and empathy and compassion, and (much) less of the discouraging stuff. This probably means removing some people from your feed, which might lead to some social awkwardness. But you should experience a pretty quick rise in your mood.

Please note that I’m not saying that the fear, grief, etc., are unwarranted. I just think there’s a point (different, perhaps, for each of us) where it’s healthier to move on to step #2: resistance. Paraphrasing the famed early 20th century labor organizer Joe Hill, “Don’t mourn. Organize.”

Finally, invest time in taking care of others in your orbit–and not just your loved ones. “Random acts of kindness”–even just a welcoming smile to a stranger–cost little or nothing and make both you and the recipient feel good. And each one strikes a blow, however small, against hate.

If you have thoughts or suggestions on self-care please leave them as a comment!