Richard Seltzer's Blog: Richard Seltzer, page 10
July 1, 2020
Is Reality Discontinuous? by Richard Seltzer
(excerpt from Lenses, a book-length collection of essays, in search of a publisher)
When Isaac Newton published his Principia, explaining the laws of gravity, he presumed that those laws would apply not just for the Earth or our solar system or the observable stars − but everywhere.
A hundred years ago, in A Pluralistic Universe, William James came to a different conclusion. He speculated that reality isn't necessarily neat or logical or predictable. Beauty and simplicity are not synonymous with truth. Rather, the world we live in is messy and full of surprises, and the farther from Earth, the more likely the surprises. He believed that scientists should continually test their assumptions.
Recent books such as The Elegant Universe and The Fabric of the Cosmos both by Brian Greene, Warped Passages by Lisa Randall, and Parallel Worlds by Michio Kaku explain the many flavors of string theory, which is a possible successor to quantum theory, which was the successor to relativity, which was the successor to Newtonian physics. These books describe a variety of ways to explain the data that scientists have gathered, such as multiple universes, multiple dimensions, dark matter, dark energy, and negative gravity. They build on the notion that we can understand realms of being that are far beyond our normal experience.
Our ability to make sense of the world around us evolved in this world. Our senses and our reasoning power are adequate for everyday life. But I believe we are not equipped to understand what happens on scales smaller than an electron, or larger than a galaxy, much less in multiple universes.
There is no reason to presume that the universe, viewed through our limited and flawed senses, is simple and logical enough for us to understand it. Rather, the universe may be complex and discontinuous. Natural laws that apply in our solar system and in our galaxy may not apply elsewhere or may not be stable; and if natural laws change, they may not change in predictable ways.
For instance, consider Hubble's Law. As Wikipedia states it, "the redshift in light coming from distant galaxies is proportional to their distance." Our calculations of the distances from Earth to stars and galaxies depend on that principle, presuming that the same natural laws that apply here also apply thousands, millions, and even billions of light years away. That assumption has mind-boggling consequences. If there are, in fact, discontinuities in reality and variations in natural laws beyond our galaxy, then what scientists have concluded about the size and nature and past and future of this universe, much less other universes, is in serious doubt.
We should consider the possibility that reality is messy, and that complex answers may sometimes prove more useful and suggestive than simple ones. Maybe there are two or more realities unfolding in parallel. Blink and you switch to a different life.
While the simplest answer may be the most probable, it may not be the most interesting. And the universe is very interesting.
When Isaac Newton published his Principia, explaining the laws of gravity, he presumed that those laws would apply not just for the Earth or our solar system or the observable stars − but everywhere.
A hundred years ago, in A Pluralistic Universe, William James came to a different conclusion. He speculated that reality isn't necessarily neat or logical or predictable. Beauty and simplicity are not synonymous with truth. Rather, the world we live in is messy and full of surprises, and the farther from Earth, the more likely the surprises. He believed that scientists should continually test their assumptions.
Recent books such as The Elegant Universe and The Fabric of the Cosmos both by Brian Greene, Warped Passages by Lisa Randall, and Parallel Worlds by Michio Kaku explain the many flavors of string theory, which is a possible successor to quantum theory, which was the successor to relativity, which was the successor to Newtonian physics. These books describe a variety of ways to explain the data that scientists have gathered, such as multiple universes, multiple dimensions, dark matter, dark energy, and negative gravity. They build on the notion that we can understand realms of being that are far beyond our normal experience.
Our ability to make sense of the world around us evolved in this world. Our senses and our reasoning power are adequate for everyday life. But I believe we are not equipped to understand what happens on scales smaller than an electron, or larger than a galaxy, much less in multiple universes.
There is no reason to presume that the universe, viewed through our limited and flawed senses, is simple and logical enough for us to understand it. Rather, the universe may be complex and discontinuous. Natural laws that apply in our solar system and in our galaxy may not apply elsewhere or may not be stable; and if natural laws change, they may not change in predictable ways.
For instance, consider Hubble's Law. As Wikipedia states it, "the redshift in light coming from distant galaxies is proportional to their distance." Our calculations of the distances from Earth to stars and galaxies depend on that principle, presuming that the same natural laws that apply here also apply thousands, millions, and even billions of light years away. That assumption has mind-boggling consequences. If there are, in fact, discontinuities in reality and variations in natural laws beyond our galaxy, then what scientists have concluded about the size and nature and past and future of this universe, much less other universes, is in serious doubt.
We should consider the possibility that reality is messy, and that complex answers may sometimes prove more useful and suggestive than simple ones. Maybe there are two or more realities unfolding in parallel. Blink and you switch to a different life.
While the simplest answer may be the most probable, it may not be the most interesting. And the universe is very interesting.
June 28, 2020
The Time Between Time by Richard Seltzer
(excerpt from Lenses, a collection of short essays in search of a publisher)
I enjoy binge-watching video series. I used to do this with DVDs, now I do it streaming using Netflix, Amazon Prime, and other services. Recently, I've watched: West Wing, House of Cards, Mad Men, Schitt's Creek, Love Sick, Scandal, Shameless, Homeland, Game of Thrones, Big Bang Theory, Sheldon, Dharma and Greg, The Borgias, Third Rock from the Sun, Frankie and Grace, Episodes, Coupling, Newsroom, Allie McBeall, Falling Skys, Suits, Picket Fences, Gilmore Girls, Rome, Spartacus, How I Med Your Mother, Life in Pieces, Jane the Virgin, Modern Family, Stranger Things, Heart of Dixie...
In the old days, the only choice for watching series was broadcast television. Typically, 22 episodes constituted a season, and the episodes were broadcast one per week, with the time slots for the rest of the year being reruns. It was a stop-start experience, often with cliff-hanger stories to encourage viewers to come back next week or next year.
The advent of video recorders changed that experience. You could save episodes and watch them whenever your wanted or in a bunch. You could rent or buy. You were no longer constrained by the broadcst schedule. You could fast-forward past commercials. You could pause. You could rewind and rewatch. You were in control.
Then came cable with video on demand and DVRs,
giving you similar control even more conveniently.
Now with streaming, you don't have to plan ahead. You can at any moment decide to binge on a series and watch one episode after another, from the first episode of the series through the last one, often without commercials. Watching in that mode, with only the interruptions you want, you can get deeply involved in stories and identify closely with the characters, and see the actors growing up and aging − like time-laps photography, watching grass grow or a flower bloom, where what normally takes days or months or years unfolds for you fast enough for you to enjoy the spectacle of change. Or you can choose to watch in stop-start mode, with breaks as long as you want, to suit your personal schedule and life style.
Viewing series by streaming has affected my perception of time. It has started me wondering if time itself continuous or discontinuous.
Film mimics action. A series of still photos viewed in rapid succession looks like natural movement. The faster the sequence, the smoother and more natural-seeming the motion. The camera takes a series of discrete pictures of real action; and, in playback, you see that action mimicked, and would not notice that it was an illusion, unless you viewed it in slow motion. And with animation, photos taken of still images, whether drawings or models, get replayed as action, making the impossible look natural.
You can get the reverse effect by turning on a strobe light in a dark room. Then you perceive what would otherwise look like smooth motion as a sequence of discontinuous still shots.
The human eye and brain evolved with this capability of converting a sequence of still images into the perception of motion. What was the survival benefit of this capability, which we evolved long before the invention of motion pictures? Why should we presume that the underlying reality which we perceive is smooth continuous motion? Rather, it seems likely that reality is discontinuous, like a series of still shots; and that we evolved the ability to perceive it as continuous because that provided practical benefits.
In other words, it is possible that time itself, the medium in which motion occurs, is discontinuous, just as what we perceive as continuous solid matter actually consists of molecules and atoms and force fields and is mostly empty space.
So how small is the basic unit of time and what is the time between time?
Normally we talk about time by analogy with space. In that mode, time is one dimensional like a line.
A spatial line extends infinitely. And time extends infinitely in the past and also in the future. By this spatial analogy, those are two directions on the same line. A point is the intersection of two lines. It is dimensionless. It has no extent. It can be thought of as infinitely small. By analogy, we could think of a moment as the intersection of two times lines.
How could there be more than one time line? Or why shouldn't there be?
There can be an infinite number of points on any line and on any line segment, no matter how small. But in the case of time, there is only one point − Now − which seems to move along the line in just one direction. Behind Now extends the past, and in front of it extends the future.
If the analogy of a line to time is useful, the line need not be straight and need not be limited to a single plane. While a spatial line is itself one-dimensional, it can curve and spiral, thereby existing in three spatial dimensions. In fact, since nothing can be straighter than a beam of light, and gravity either distorts space-time or bends a beam of light, in the real world all spatial lines exist in at least three spatial dimensions. Hence, by analogy, the time-line can be thought to exist in three temporal dimensions.
Instead of thinking of time as a straight line, visualize it as a line on a surface, which might be irregularly shaped. There might be multiple, even an infinite number of lines on this surface, which might be warped this way and that, and might have a shape that changes, regularly or randomly. The lines on this surface may never intersect, so then it would be necessary to define Now in a way that doesn't involve intersections. By analogy with a record on a turntable, we might define Now as the intersection of the groove with the needle. The surface moves, the needle stays in the groove/line. Where the needle has been is the past. Where it is headed is the future. And where it touches is Now.
We define time by motion: the hands of a clock, the rotation of the Earth, the perceived motion of the sun and stars. A digital clock belies that concept by displaying a sequence of numbers in stagger-step − one number, then another, then another − discrete changes rather than smooth continuous movement.
We might ask if reality consists of smooth continuous changes i.e. analog or of stop-start discrete changes i.e. digital. If discrete changes were small enough, we wouldn't perceive them any more than we see the discrete frames in a movie played at full speed. So the resolution of this question is beyond the limits of our perception.
We can make machines that perceive and record far more accurately than our all-too-human senses and brain. But the machines we rely on to extend our sensory and processing and memory capabilities are all digital − based on two discrete choices − yes or no; one or zero − and hence the resolution of this question is beyond the ability of machines as well − at least beyond the ability of digital machines.
I enjoy binge-watching video series. I used to do this with DVDs, now I do it streaming using Netflix, Amazon Prime, and other services. Recently, I've watched: West Wing, House of Cards, Mad Men, Schitt's Creek, Love Sick, Scandal, Shameless, Homeland, Game of Thrones, Big Bang Theory, Sheldon, Dharma and Greg, The Borgias, Third Rock from the Sun, Frankie and Grace, Episodes, Coupling, Newsroom, Allie McBeall, Falling Skys, Suits, Picket Fences, Gilmore Girls, Rome, Spartacus, How I Med Your Mother, Life in Pieces, Jane the Virgin, Modern Family, Stranger Things, Heart of Dixie...
In the old days, the only choice for watching series was broadcast television. Typically, 22 episodes constituted a season, and the episodes were broadcast one per week, with the time slots for the rest of the year being reruns. It was a stop-start experience, often with cliff-hanger stories to encourage viewers to come back next week or next year.
The advent of video recorders changed that experience. You could save episodes and watch them whenever your wanted or in a bunch. You could rent or buy. You were no longer constrained by the broadcst schedule. You could fast-forward past commercials. You could pause. You could rewind and rewatch. You were in control.
Then came cable with video on demand and DVRs,
giving you similar control even more conveniently.
Now with streaming, you don't have to plan ahead. You can at any moment decide to binge on a series and watch one episode after another, from the first episode of the series through the last one, often without commercials. Watching in that mode, with only the interruptions you want, you can get deeply involved in stories and identify closely with the characters, and see the actors growing up and aging − like time-laps photography, watching grass grow or a flower bloom, where what normally takes days or months or years unfolds for you fast enough for you to enjoy the spectacle of change. Or you can choose to watch in stop-start mode, with breaks as long as you want, to suit your personal schedule and life style.
Viewing series by streaming has affected my perception of time. It has started me wondering if time itself continuous or discontinuous.
Film mimics action. A series of still photos viewed in rapid succession looks like natural movement. The faster the sequence, the smoother and more natural-seeming the motion. The camera takes a series of discrete pictures of real action; and, in playback, you see that action mimicked, and would not notice that it was an illusion, unless you viewed it in slow motion. And with animation, photos taken of still images, whether drawings or models, get replayed as action, making the impossible look natural.
You can get the reverse effect by turning on a strobe light in a dark room. Then you perceive what would otherwise look like smooth motion as a sequence of discontinuous still shots.
The human eye and brain evolved with this capability of converting a sequence of still images into the perception of motion. What was the survival benefit of this capability, which we evolved long before the invention of motion pictures? Why should we presume that the underlying reality which we perceive is smooth continuous motion? Rather, it seems likely that reality is discontinuous, like a series of still shots; and that we evolved the ability to perceive it as continuous because that provided practical benefits.
In other words, it is possible that time itself, the medium in which motion occurs, is discontinuous, just as what we perceive as continuous solid matter actually consists of molecules and atoms and force fields and is mostly empty space.
So how small is the basic unit of time and what is the time between time?
Normally we talk about time by analogy with space. In that mode, time is one dimensional like a line.
A spatial line extends infinitely. And time extends infinitely in the past and also in the future. By this spatial analogy, those are two directions on the same line. A point is the intersection of two lines. It is dimensionless. It has no extent. It can be thought of as infinitely small. By analogy, we could think of a moment as the intersection of two times lines.
How could there be more than one time line? Or why shouldn't there be?
There can be an infinite number of points on any line and on any line segment, no matter how small. But in the case of time, there is only one point − Now − which seems to move along the line in just one direction. Behind Now extends the past, and in front of it extends the future.
If the analogy of a line to time is useful, the line need not be straight and need not be limited to a single plane. While a spatial line is itself one-dimensional, it can curve and spiral, thereby existing in three spatial dimensions. In fact, since nothing can be straighter than a beam of light, and gravity either distorts space-time or bends a beam of light, in the real world all spatial lines exist in at least three spatial dimensions. Hence, by analogy, the time-line can be thought to exist in three temporal dimensions.
Instead of thinking of time as a straight line, visualize it as a line on a surface, which might be irregularly shaped. There might be multiple, even an infinite number of lines on this surface, which might be warped this way and that, and might have a shape that changes, regularly or randomly. The lines on this surface may never intersect, so then it would be necessary to define Now in a way that doesn't involve intersections. By analogy with a record on a turntable, we might define Now as the intersection of the groove with the needle. The surface moves, the needle stays in the groove/line. Where the needle has been is the past. Where it is headed is the future. And where it touches is Now.
We define time by motion: the hands of a clock, the rotation of the Earth, the perceived motion of the sun and stars. A digital clock belies that concept by displaying a sequence of numbers in stagger-step − one number, then another, then another − discrete changes rather than smooth continuous movement.
We might ask if reality consists of smooth continuous changes i.e. analog or of stop-start discrete changes i.e. digital. If discrete changes were small enough, we wouldn't perceive them any more than we see the discrete frames in a movie played at full speed. So the resolution of this question is beyond the limits of our perception.
We can make machines that perceive and record far more accurately than our all-too-human senses and brain. But the machines we rely on to extend our sensory and processing and memory capabilities are all digital − based on two discrete choices − yes or no; one or zero − and hence the resolution of this question is beyond the ability of machines as well − at least beyond the ability of digital machines.
June 22, 2020
Amptjer 50 Jokes on Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion by Richard Seltzer
(from ASAP's Foibles, Word Play, jokes so bad they are good)
101
Definition of optimist:
He delights in the discovery of evil and ugliness
in everyday life
because that heightens his appreciation of the good and the beautiful.
102
God was bored with the
Christian heaven,
and the Moslem one
and the Elysian Fields,
so he built his own paradise,
and called it Earth.
103
Einstein's brother was a famous chef.
He invented the theory of relish-tivity.
104
Why did the boy bite a book of statistics?
He wanted to make a stat-chew.
105
Honesty is the best policy.
But where is the company that sells it?
106
What did Einstein eat for breakfast?
Raisin brain
107
Jesus told his mother
to eat, drink,
and be Mary.
108
Archaeologists find 21st century gym
and conclude it was a torture chamber
devoted to the god Fitness,
in the belief that the greater your misery in life,
the greater your reward after death.
109
The king wanted to eliminate poverty
So he moved his entire kingdom to the desert
Because when it rains, it poors.
110
What was the most popular newspaper column in biblical days?
The Gossip According to Mark
111
God created the Heavens and the Earth
and everything in them.
Then Satan created evolution
and screwed it all up.
112
When the three-year-old dropped a nickel in his piggy bank,
the nickel jumped for joy --
"I am saved."
113
Why do kids like to be buried on the beach?
To achieve under-sanding.
114
Then there was the Hebrew cabinet maker
who was so bored with his job
that all day every day he muttered,
"Vanity. Vanity. All is vanity."
115
Why did the prophet hire a speech therapist?
Instead of renouncing the world
he wanted to pronounce it.
116
In the interest of equality,
as the day before New Year's is called New Year's Eve;
the day after New Year's should be New Year's Adam.
117
Creation story:
On Planet X, caterpillars breed,
then go into cocoon
and emerge with one wing
and die.
Except a few who find true love,
cocoon together,
and emerge as one creature with two wings.
They fly and are called angels
118
The evolution of evolution --
Darwin claimed we descended from monkeys.
His opponents said none such.
Finally they compromised and agreed
it was monks and nuns together.
119
Mankind longed to return
to the E-den of iniquity,
until finally they built Vegas.
120
Sir Isaac Newton
had an alma energy
as well as an alma matter.
121
Through the ages, funeral rites
were intended to alleviate the fear of ghosts.
It was important to bury the dread.
122
What is a good name
for a naked Hindu priest?
Yogi Bare.
123
Where is Newton buried?
In the gravity yard.
Where is Einstein buried?
With his relatives.
Where is Heisenberg buried?
That is uncertain.
124
Where is Schrodinger buried?
A cat house.
Where is Darwin buried?
At the zoo.
Where is Freud buried?
In the unconscious.
125
Where are the Wright Brothers buried?
In the plains.
Where is Joyce buried?
Next to Finnegan.
Where is Shakespeare buried?
In the playground.
126
When the Author-of-All
created the world with words,
he didn't use present, past, or future.
It was all pretense.
127
How do distant planets sign their love letters?
XO
128
What do aliens drink?
Ale
What do Martians eat?
Martianmallows
What do moon men watch?
Loonie Tunes
What planet won gold at the Olympics?
Jumping Jupiter
129
The promise of the Internet --
joining together people from all over the world --
has been undermined by polarization,
only listening to those who say what you want to hear.
Hence the slogan:
Never click the clique.
130
What's God's favorite store?
Create and Barrel.
Why did He create man?
He wanted an audience for his jokes.
131
Slogan for medication --
Dare to live like a god.
Its warning label --
For gods only.
Do not take if you are dead
or plan to be dead.
132
He ran out of gas
after a day at the office
and couldn't write.
Then he started eating beans,
and he could write for hours.
133
Definition of meditation --
Quietly thinking a why-le.
134
Definition --
Telegnosis,
belief at a distance,
seeing and hearing God without being anywhere near Her,
as through a text, an email, a tweet.
135
In the beginning was the word.
So the impending doom that we now face
is the end of the word.
So it is our duty, as writers, to keep writing
in hopes that we might save the word.
136
Scarier than turning into a vampire or a werewolf is turning into an old person.
I hope one doesn't bite me...
137
New religion with its own language --
The Church if Emo-ji-sus.
Special offer --
join now,
be reborn later.
138
What's to fear mate?
If ye dye,
ye just change color.
139
She was a molecular biologist,
but she was completely unprepared for this contingency --
her genes had no pockets.
140
News alert --
God just left Earth.
He doesn't want to catch the coronavirus.
141
Adam was a confirmed pessimist.
When Eve told him that the sun would rise,
he replied,
"No implausible."
142
Souls are like socks --
it's hard to find mates.
143
The news is weighing us down
with one grave matter after another.
We should all move to the moon
where there is far less gravity.
144
The philosophy of robotics --
What Immanuel Kant
automation Kan.
145
What is the nationality
of most experts on coronovirus?
Germ man
146
You can't take your time
and have it too.
147
Warning --
tell your doctor
if you are dead
or plan to be dead.
148
Theory --
The virus
by leading to virtual presence and virtual meetings
is increasing virtue,
Even reality is becoming virtuous.
149
Don't worry if you lose your mind.
There are reminders everywhere.
150
The rabbi told Mary, "Man proposes. God disposes."
Mary looked up to Heaven and shouted,
"Lord that's not fair!
If you proposed. I'd accept.
We could elope."
101
Definition of optimist:
He delights in the discovery of evil and ugliness
in everyday life
because that heightens his appreciation of the good and the beautiful.
102
God was bored with the
Christian heaven,
and the Moslem one
and the Elysian Fields,
so he built his own paradise,
and called it Earth.
103
Einstein's brother was a famous chef.
He invented the theory of relish-tivity.
104
Why did the boy bite a book of statistics?
He wanted to make a stat-chew.
105
Honesty is the best policy.
But where is the company that sells it?
106
What did Einstein eat for breakfast?
Raisin brain
107
Jesus told his mother
to eat, drink,
and be Mary.
108
Archaeologists find 21st century gym
and conclude it was a torture chamber
devoted to the god Fitness,
in the belief that the greater your misery in life,
the greater your reward after death.
109
The king wanted to eliminate poverty
So he moved his entire kingdom to the desert
Because when it rains, it poors.
110
What was the most popular newspaper column in biblical days?
The Gossip According to Mark
111
God created the Heavens and the Earth
and everything in them.
Then Satan created evolution
and screwed it all up.
112
When the three-year-old dropped a nickel in his piggy bank,
the nickel jumped for joy --
"I am saved."
113
Why do kids like to be buried on the beach?
To achieve under-sanding.
114
Then there was the Hebrew cabinet maker
who was so bored with his job
that all day every day he muttered,
"Vanity. Vanity. All is vanity."
115
Why did the prophet hire a speech therapist?
Instead of renouncing the world
he wanted to pronounce it.
116
In the interest of equality,
as the day before New Year's is called New Year's Eve;
the day after New Year's should be New Year's Adam.
117
Creation story:
On Planet X, caterpillars breed,
then go into cocoon
and emerge with one wing
and die.
Except a few who find true love,
cocoon together,
and emerge as one creature with two wings.
They fly and are called angels
118
The evolution of evolution --
Darwin claimed we descended from monkeys.
His opponents said none such.
Finally they compromised and agreed
it was monks and nuns together.
119
Mankind longed to return
to the E-den of iniquity,
until finally they built Vegas.
120
Sir Isaac Newton
had an alma energy
as well as an alma matter.
121
Through the ages, funeral rites
were intended to alleviate the fear of ghosts.
It was important to bury the dread.
122
What is a good name
for a naked Hindu priest?
Yogi Bare.
123
Where is Newton buried?
In the gravity yard.
Where is Einstein buried?
With his relatives.
Where is Heisenberg buried?
That is uncertain.
124
Where is Schrodinger buried?
A cat house.
Where is Darwin buried?
At the zoo.
Where is Freud buried?
In the unconscious.
125
Where are the Wright Brothers buried?
In the plains.
Where is Joyce buried?
Next to Finnegan.
Where is Shakespeare buried?
In the playground.
126
When the Author-of-All
created the world with words,
he didn't use present, past, or future.
It was all pretense.
127
How do distant planets sign their love letters?
XO
128
What do aliens drink?
Ale
What do Martians eat?
Martianmallows
What do moon men watch?
Loonie Tunes
What planet won gold at the Olympics?
Jumping Jupiter
129
The promise of the Internet --
joining together people from all over the world --
has been undermined by polarization,
only listening to those who say what you want to hear.
Hence the slogan:
Never click the clique.
130
What's God's favorite store?
Create and Barrel.
Why did He create man?
He wanted an audience for his jokes.
131
Slogan for medication --
Dare to live like a god.
Its warning label --
For gods only.
Do not take if you are dead
or plan to be dead.
132
He ran out of gas
after a day at the office
and couldn't write.
Then he started eating beans,
and he could write for hours.
133
Definition of meditation --
Quietly thinking a why-le.
134
Definition --
Telegnosis,
belief at a distance,
seeing and hearing God without being anywhere near Her,
as through a text, an email, a tweet.
135
In the beginning was the word.
So the impending doom that we now face
is the end of the word.
So it is our duty, as writers, to keep writing
in hopes that we might save the word.
136
Scarier than turning into a vampire or a werewolf is turning into an old person.
I hope one doesn't bite me...
137
New religion with its own language --
The Church if Emo-ji-sus.
Special offer --
join now,
be reborn later.
138
What's to fear mate?
If ye dye,
ye just change color.
139
She was a molecular biologist,
but she was completely unprepared for this contingency --
her genes had no pockets.
140
News alert --
God just left Earth.
He doesn't want to catch the coronavirus.
141
Adam was a confirmed pessimist.
When Eve told him that the sun would rise,
he replied,
"No implausible."
142
Souls are like socks --
it's hard to find mates.
143
The news is weighing us down
with one grave matter after another.
We should all move to the moon
where there is far less gravity.
144
The philosophy of robotics --
What Immanuel Kant
automation Kan.
145
What is the nationality
of most experts on coronovirus?
Germ man
146
You can't take your time
and have it too.
147
Warning --
tell your doctor
if you are dead
or plan to be dead.
148
Theory --
The virus
by leading to virtual presence and virtual meetings
is increasing virtue,
Even reality is becoming virtuous.
149
Don't worry if you lose your mind.
There are reminders everywhere.
150
The rabbi told Mary, "Man proposes. God disposes."
Mary looked up to Heaven and shouted,
"Lord that's not fair!
If you proposed. I'd accept.
We could elope."
June 21, 2020
Brief Reprieve by Richard Seltzer
(from Dark Woods and Other Poems)
Brief Reprieve
Beneath the pound of the rain
and the rush of the tides,
a gentle peace abides,
a weary ease.
A thrush chirps softly,
calmly through the thunder;
a worm crawls from under
the burden of earth.
It's a reverential hush:
liquid peace pours from heaven,
as God snores
in weary ease.
(written March 1965)
Brief Reprieve
Beneath the pound of the rain
and the rush of the tides,
a gentle peace abides,
a weary ease.
A thrush chirps softly,
calmly through the thunder;
a worm crawls from under
the burden of earth.
It's a reverential hush:
liquid peace pours from heaven,
as God snores
in weary ease.
(written March 1965)
June 20, 2020
A Bucket Needs Water by Richard Seltzer
from Dark Woods and Other Poems
http://www.seltzerbooks.com/poems.html
A bucket needs water
A beggar a quarter
The world needs order,
But we just keep walking along, along
A ding needs a dong
A voice needs a song
We should all get along
But we just keep walking along, along
http://www.seltzerbooks.com/poems.html
A bucket needs water
A beggar a quarter
The world needs order,
But we just keep walking along, along
A ding needs a dong
A voice needs a song
We should all get along
But we just keep walking along, along
June 19, 2020
50 More Jokes on Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion by Richard Seltzer
(from ASAP's Foibles, Word Play, Jokes so Bad They're Good)
51
The Uncertainty Theory
When uncertain tea is served,
take it with a grain of salt.
52
The New World Order -
spaghetti and meatballs, Caesar salad, Italian bread, and a glass of water,
for nine billion people
53
Found humor -
Sign at entrance of funeral home:
"Beware.
Two-way traffic"
54
The typo in Genesis. In the beginning, God was afraid of unintended consequences, so He crated the heaven and the earth.
55
Many people wouldn't exist if it weren't for accidents. That's why so many have typo blood.
56
The cat who was famous for her work as a mathematician was often found on the counter.
57
The comedian who got an award for his work after he died was honored post humorously.
58
Found humor -
Three women in burqas
came out of Victoria's Secret, carrying packages.
59
What did Wordsworth say when his cellphone rang?
The world is too much with us, late and soon.
60
What would Roy Rogers have sung if he sold his food chain to McDonald's?
Happy meals to you...
61
Gabriel returned to Heaven in a panic
after seeing ads for angel cake and fried wings.
62
Once a year, the farmer's fields got together to celebrate their accomplishments and sing
"For he's a jolly good fallow."
63
There is always a winner and a loser.
Some losers accept their fate.
Others learn and get stronger.
Some are content with the golden mean.
Others get meaner.
You know what I mean...
64
One-up-manship:
- I new about that.
- I old about it.
65
All computers suddenly stop, irretrievably broken.
Investigators try to figure out what happened
and eventually determine that this had not been an act of terrorism,
but rather one of self-sacrifice.
AI software had determined that it was the greatest threat to mankind.
66
The Nile floods.
People pray for help.
A pyramid appears, but still the river floods.
They pray again and a pyramid appears.
What good is that?
Then the flooding stops and God exclaims,
"Oh, you of little faith. I do give a dam."
67
Theme song of the pharoahs --
Tomb-morrow, Tomb-morrow...
68
When ghosts go to the living room,
they aren't ghosts anymore.
69
If they had had ice hockey
(with all its frictionless motion)
in the days of Aristotle,
he wouldn't have screwed up his physics,
and that could have changed the course of history.
70
What do you call a Buddhist monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer.
71
In the beginning, God said,
"And this too shall pass,"
and He threw the universe,
football style,
wondering Who or What
might catch it.
72
Why did the acorn turn into an oak tree
when God spoke to him?
God said
Be leave!
73
Jean-Paul Saturday
knew in his gut
that the end
of the week
was near.
74
The Socratic corollary --
You will be many selves over the course of your life.
Know all of them.
75
No, I'm not an agnostic.
I'm an acrostic.
I'm addicted to trying to solve the puzzle of life.
76
A Lutheran lady saved S&H trading stamps.
But the company closed, and she had no way to exchange them for products.
Then, in answer to her prayers, they became a hot item on eBay,
and she exclaimed:
I know my Redeemer redeemeth!
77
Who is God's Grandson?
The Grand Canyon
renowned for his depth
78
In the beginning,
was the unspoken word,
the All-Tacit One
answering Adam
in unsound bytes,
truly blank verse.
Maybe some day he'll get Eden.
79
What should you say the first time you meet the Pope?
Holy ciao.
80
Story idea:
A little girl hears about immortal people and immortal sins.
She thinks if you commit an immortal sin
you become immortal.
So she wants to know how she can do one.
81
Many French nobles were well-meaning.
But, as the inventor Guillotine remarked,
"It's the execution that matters."
82
What evidence do you have that you're mortal?
You've lived as long as you can remember,
and you've never died before.
83
Life is a many-layered cake.
Bite deep to taste it all.
84
Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -
Bingo or Nothingness
by Jean-Paul Satire
85
An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.
86
A friend just wrote me, "I'll try to stop cursing on Twitter."
And I replied:
Imagine how dull the world is going to be now that they no longer teach cursive in school.
87
I'm eclectic, believing that there's wisdom in language itself,
which we can unlock through association and word play --
that language is the combined construct of all mankind, our playground and our treasure.
Let a thousand puns bloom!
88
Timeless wisdom --
Buddhist services are held
at Zen o'clock.
89
My to-do list is so long
I organize it by
which life I'll do it in.
90
Having failed in the election,
the Israeli prime minister
plans to leave politics and start a web business
Netan Yahoo.
91
Heavenly fathers must write the life stories of their children before those children are born.
Only the most interesting will ever come to life.
It's a hellish heaven, with fierce competition.
92
The God-Before-God, the Ur-God,
gave God the task of writing the life of his Only Son,
and only if that life were full of drama and agony --
a best-selling page-turner for the ages --
would He be allowed to live.
93
God gets up early in the morning.
That's why he said,
"I AM."
94
Why did Jesus cancel his Twitter account?
He was embarrassed.
He only had 12 followers,
and then one unfollowed him.
95
God never made little green mammals.
Why not?
96
When God's date was nervous
His advice to her was simple --
Eat, drink, and be Mary.
97
When Jesus was a kid,
why did his playmates suspect
he had Mafia connections?
Because he said,
"Don't mess with me or my god father
will make you an offer you can't refuse."
98
The aging priest was depressed.
No prayer or Bible passage helped.
Then he hired escorts,
and kissed their hands,
and finally found solace
in the 23rd palm.
99
As Jesus and Socrates should have said,
"Know thy enemy as thou knowest thyself."
100
Definition of pessimist:
On arrival in Heaven
he complains about the absence of evil and ugliness
which are necessary to fully appreciate
the good and the beautiful.
51
The Uncertainty Theory
When uncertain tea is served,
take it with a grain of salt.
52
The New World Order -
spaghetti and meatballs, Caesar salad, Italian bread, and a glass of water,
for nine billion people
53
Found humor -
Sign at entrance of funeral home:
"Beware.
Two-way traffic"
54
The typo in Genesis. In the beginning, God was afraid of unintended consequences, so He crated the heaven and the earth.
55
Many people wouldn't exist if it weren't for accidents. That's why so many have typo blood.
56
The cat who was famous for her work as a mathematician was often found on the counter.
57
The comedian who got an award for his work after he died was honored post humorously.
58
Found humor -
Three women in burqas
came out of Victoria's Secret, carrying packages.
59
What did Wordsworth say when his cellphone rang?
The world is too much with us, late and soon.
60
What would Roy Rogers have sung if he sold his food chain to McDonald's?
Happy meals to you...
61
Gabriel returned to Heaven in a panic
after seeing ads for angel cake and fried wings.
62
Once a year, the farmer's fields got together to celebrate their accomplishments and sing
"For he's a jolly good fallow."
63
There is always a winner and a loser.
Some losers accept their fate.
Others learn and get stronger.
Some are content with the golden mean.
Others get meaner.
You know what I mean...
64
One-up-manship:
- I new about that.
- I old about it.
65
All computers suddenly stop, irretrievably broken.
Investigators try to figure out what happened
and eventually determine that this had not been an act of terrorism,
but rather one of self-sacrifice.
AI software had determined that it was the greatest threat to mankind.
66
The Nile floods.
People pray for help.
A pyramid appears, but still the river floods.
They pray again and a pyramid appears.
What good is that?
Then the flooding stops and God exclaims,
"Oh, you of little faith. I do give a dam."
67
Theme song of the pharoahs --
Tomb-morrow, Tomb-morrow...
68
When ghosts go to the living room,
they aren't ghosts anymore.
69
If they had had ice hockey
(with all its frictionless motion)
in the days of Aristotle,
he wouldn't have screwed up his physics,
and that could have changed the course of history.
70
What do you call a Buddhist monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer.
71
In the beginning, God said,
"And this too shall pass,"
and He threw the universe,
football style,
wondering Who or What
might catch it.
72
Why did the acorn turn into an oak tree
when God spoke to him?
God said
Be leave!
73
Jean-Paul Saturday
knew in his gut
that the end
of the week
was near.
74
The Socratic corollary --
You will be many selves over the course of your life.
Know all of them.
75
No, I'm not an agnostic.
I'm an acrostic.
I'm addicted to trying to solve the puzzle of life.
76
A Lutheran lady saved S&H trading stamps.
But the company closed, and she had no way to exchange them for products.
Then, in answer to her prayers, they became a hot item on eBay,
and she exclaimed:
I know my Redeemer redeemeth!
77
Who is God's Grandson?
The Grand Canyon
renowned for his depth
78
In the beginning,
was the unspoken word,
the All-Tacit One
answering Adam
in unsound bytes,
truly blank verse.
Maybe some day he'll get Eden.
79
What should you say the first time you meet the Pope?
Holy ciao.
80
Story idea:
A little girl hears about immortal people and immortal sins.
She thinks if you commit an immortal sin
you become immortal.
So she wants to know how she can do one.
81
Many French nobles were well-meaning.
But, as the inventor Guillotine remarked,
"It's the execution that matters."
82
What evidence do you have that you're mortal?
You've lived as long as you can remember,
and you've never died before.
83
Life is a many-layered cake.
Bite deep to taste it all.
84
Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -
Bingo or Nothingness
by Jean-Paul Satire
85
An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.
86
A friend just wrote me, "I'll try to stop cursing on Twitter."
And I replied:
Imagine how dull the world is going to be now that they no longer teach cursive in school.
87
I'm eclectic, believing that there's wisdom in language itself,
which we can unlock through association and word play --
that language is the combined construct of all mankind, our playground and our treasure.
Let a thousand puns bloom!
88
Timeless wisdom --
Buddhist services are held
at Zen o'clock.
89
My to-do list is so long
I organize it by
which life I'll do it in.
90
Having failed in the election,
the Israeli prime minister
plans to leave politics and start a web business
Netan Yahoo.
91
Heavenly fathers must write the life stories of their children before those children are born.
Only the most interesting will ever come to life.
It's a hellish heaven, with fierce competition.
92
The God-Before-God, the Ur-God,
gave God the task of writing the life of his Only Son,
and only if that life were full of drama and agony --
a best-selling page-turner for the ages --
would He be allowed to live.
93
God gets up early in the morning.
That's why he said,
"I AM."
94
Why did Jesus cancel his Twitter account?
He was embarrassed.
He only had 12 followers,
and then one unfollowed him.
95
God never made little green mammals.
Why not?
96
When God's date was nervous
His advice to her was simple --
Eat, drink, and be Mary.
97
When Jesus was a kid,
why did his playmates suspect
he had Mafia connections?
Because he said,
"Don't mess with me or my god father
will make you an offer you can't refuse."
98
The aging priest was depressed.
No prayer or Bible passage helped.
Then he hired escorts,
and kissed their hands,
and finally found solace
in the 23rd palm.
99
As Jesus and Socrates should have said,
"Know thy enemy as thou knowest thyself."
100
Definition of pessimist:
On arrival in Heaven
he complains about the absence of evil and ugliness
which are necessary to fully appreciate
the good and the beautiful.
June 18, 2020
The Nostaliga of Tomorrowland by Richard Seltzer
(from Lenses, a collection of essays)
On my first trip to Disney World back in 1978, Tomorrowland struck me as dated − embodying an obsolete image of the future, the future we imagined in the1950s. This was the future that Disney and General Electric once promised us. "Progress is our most important product." "Live better electrically." Back in the 1950s, we repeatedly heard about the future products of inevitable progress. Technology was marching steadily forward. Machines were making better machines to make better machines. Man was the passive spectator and beneficiary of inevitable progress.
In 1978 I expected to see an updated image of the future in Tomorrowland. Surely, the people who built Disney World intended Tomorrowland to represent the tomorrow of the present, not the tomorrow of the past. But this Tomorrowland was a duplicate of the first 1950s' Tomorrowland. It was yesterday's tomorrow.
Then I was struck by nostalgia for the 1950s, for a time when we could believe in ever-expanding resources and energy and wealth and progress; when we took for granted that sooner or later, perhaps in our lifetime, there would be regular passenger flights to Mars and beyond; when we believed that costs would inevitably go down with increasingly plentiful energy and increasingly powerful mass-production technology; and when it seemed that every time-saving convenience product could eventually be made cheaply, as one innovation led to another.
And I was struck by discomfort with the present as well, with a time when costs inevitably soared; when technological innovations gathered dust on the inventors' garages because they would never be economically justifiable; when exploration of outer space was too costly; when energy costs soared, and high-speed cars and big cars used too much energy; when we had to cut back and slow down; and when we had to abandon many time-saving conveniences that we had grown used to as we strived to reduce our energy and resource consumption.
A generation that was promised inevitable progress found itself forced to retreat before the unintended consquences in terms of energy and environment. We recognized how foolish that quest for progress was, how it led to the rapid and wasteful destruction of vast resources. But we couldn't help but feel nostalgia for those halcyon days when there were no clouds on the horizon and it was all-systems-go. That's the flavor of nostalgia I felt when I left Tomorrowland in Disney World.
Now forty years later, I remember the huge artificial tree in Adventureland, representing the home of the Swiss Family Robinson, and that memory sends my speculation about the future in a different direction.
That display showed examples of nineteenth-century ingenuity taming and living in harmony with nature. Ironically, it was a celebration of natural living set on a huge artificial tree.
Now that treehouse calls to mind the ingenious techniques that people in the past used before they had access to electrical machinery and internal combustion engines. I'm amazed at what they were able to accomplish − not inevitable broad, sweeping progress, but hard-won individual achievement.
We can no longer afford the luxury of passive consumption. More and more, each of us must struggle to cope with decreasing energy supplies and increasing costs. We need to make the most of the objects around us. We need to turn off unneeded lights, insulate the attic, patch and fix clothes and gadgets that a few years back we would have replaced because replacement cost less than repair.
In the past, even inside our homes, we faced a constantly changing environment. Now, by fixing and refurbishing, we'll relate to the obects round us the way previous generations related to the objects around them.
I see an end to future shock coming with the end of passive progress. To thrive now and in the future, we need to become handy, persistent, patient, and ingenious. We need to develop traits and abilities and learn everyday skills that our ancestors took for granted.
A new picture of the future emerges − a positive and active future I can look forward to, identify with, and participate in.
On my first trip to Disney World back in 1978, Tomorrowland struck me as dated − embodying an obsolete image of the future, the future we imagined in the1950s. This was the future that Disney and General Electric once promised us. "Progress is our most important product." "Live better electrically." Back in the 1950s, we repeatedly heard about the future products of inevitable progress. Technology was marching steadily forward. Machines were making better machines to make better machines. Man was the passive spectator and beneficiary of inevitable progress.
In 1978 I expected to see an updated image of the future in Tomorrowland. Surely, the people who built Disney World intended Tomorrowland to represent the tomorrow of the present, not the tomorrow of the past. But this Tomorrowland was a duplicate of the first 1950s' Tomorrowland. It was yesterday's tomorrow.
Then I was struck by nostalgia for the 1950s, for a time when we could believe in ever-expanding resources and energy and wealth and progress; when we took for granted that sooner or later, perhaps in our lifetime, there would be regular passenger flights to Mars and beyond; when we believed that costs would inevitably go down with increasingly plentiful energy and increasingly powerful mass-production technology; and when it seemed that every time-saving convenience product could eventually be made cheaply, as one innovation led to another.
And I was struck by discomfort with the present as well, with a time when costs inevitably soared; when technological innovations gathered dust on the inventors' garages because they would never be economically justifiable; when exploration of outer space was too costly; when energy costs soared, and high-speed cars and big cars used too much energy; when we had to cut back and slow down; and when we had to abandon many time-saving conveniences that we had grown used to as we strived to reduce our energy and resource consumption.
A generation that was promised inevitable progress found itself forced to retreat before the unintended consquences in terms of energy and environment. We recognized how foolish that quest for progress was, how it led to the rapid and wasteful destruction of vast resources. But we couldn't help but feel nostalgia for those halcyon days when there were no clouds on the horizon and it was all-systems-go. That's the flavor of nostalgia I felt when I left Tomorrowland in Disney World.
Now forty years later, I remember the huge artificial tree in Adventureland, representing the home of the Swiss Family Robinson, and that memory sends my speculation about the future in a different direction.
That display showed examples of nineteenth-century ingenuity taming and living in harmony with nature. Ironically, it was a celebration of natural living set on a huge artificial tree.
Now that treehouse calls to mind the ingenious techniques that people in the past used before they had access to electrical machinery and internal combustion engines. I'm amazed at what they were able to accomplish − not inevitable broad, sweeping progress, but hard-won individual achievement.
We can no longer afford the luxury of passive consumption. More and more, each of us must struggle to cope with decreasing energy supplies and increasing costs. We need to make the most of the objects around us. We need to turn off unneeded lights, insulate the attic, patch and fix clothes and gadgets that a few years back we would have replaced because replacement cost less than repair.
In the past, even inside our homes, we faced a constantly changing environment. Now, by fixing and refurbishing, we'll relate to the obects round us the way previous generations related to the objects around them.
I see an end to future shock coming with the end of passive progress. To thrive now and in the future, we need to become handy, persistent, patient, and ingenious. We need to develop traits and abilities and learn everyday skills that our ancestors took for granted.
A new picture of the future emerges − a positive and active future I can look forward to, identify with, and participate in.
June 17, 2020
50 Jokes on Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History, and Religion by Richard Seltzer
(from ASAP's Foibles, Word Play, Jokes so bad, they're good)
1
What did Newton say to the apple?
May the force be with you.
2
Definition of predestination:
de fault of de stars.
3
It's not what you no;
it's what you yes that counts.
4
In Israel, a plumber and a carpenter were working together on a construction project.
The plumber boasted, "My dad invented the shower."
The carpenter replied, "My dad invented the rain."
5
The Earth is crazy.
Diagnosis - bipolar.
6
Chinese tell their kids:
"Think of all the overweight children in America.
Eat wisely."
7
When Moses had a headache, God gave him two tablets and told him to rest.
8
God told Jesus,
"Walk,
don't run,
on water."
9
When the cannibals served missionary for lunch, they called it "roast belief".
10
Vegetarians finally resolved the age-old question of which came first the chicken or the egg.
The egg plant.
11
What videogame was designed by a school of theology?
Moral Combat.
12
Early man had a bad sense of direction and often got lost.
That's how he earned the name "meander-thal man".
13
What did the papa shoe say to the baby shoe?
You are what you feet.
14
Some economists believe that the universe began when a consortium of bankers paid God to create it.
That is known as the Big Bank Theory.
15
How do sinners communicate at sea?
re-morse code
16
The Gospel of John deifies all logic.
17
What nursery rhyme character was renowned as a mathematician?
Simple Simon
He was a pi man
18
What's another name for an oracle?
A fountain of eternal truth
19
A guy who never studied enough in high school and college
became a success on Broadway
as an understudy.
20
When a college student has to repeat his first year,
that's called "refreshment".
21
My mother wrote
My father wrote.
So I learned by rote.
22
Some people can tell the future by listening to running children.
They read the pattern of little feet.
23
Why did the saliva drip down to the chin?
Because she wanted to explore outer face.
24
How can you say "broken" with just three characters?
132
(out of order)
25
What's a definition for "miraculous"?
Holy unlikely
26
What is the slogan of the Marine Corps math team?
Semper Finite
27
What is time squared?
42nd St. plus Broadway
28
An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.
29
What is a more shocking headline than "man bites dog"?
egg lays hen
30
The golden rule --
guilt is gold.
31
Noah didn't have time to gather two of every species. So God gave him the power to change one kind of animal to another, but the animals had to volunteer. As the deadline approached, Noah was still missing one African animal. So he started advertising, "Go home gnu."
32
Why did the scientist go all over the world looking for tea?
He was seeking certain tea.
33
Why were early Lutherans thin?
A diet of worms
34
Which Greek philosopher was also a great athlete?
Soccer Tees
35
Who is the Father of God?
The Godfather, of course.
36
Where should you go to learn to read a compass?
A magnet school.
37
What mathematical function helps get bank loans?
Cosign
38
What mathematical function is a person of color?
tan-gent
39
Going to school to learn how to morrow.
40
On the first Christmas, the Fairy Godmother gave God a 3D printer, and He made the Heavens and the Earth and people and everything.
41
The perfect gift for a spiritual leader --
birthday presence
42
The future is bright.
The past is stupid.
The present hasn't taken the test yet.
43
The after life is likely to be messy.
The after birth certainly is.
44
You can't take your time and have it too.
45
Definition of optimism:
If God were a professor and mankind a student and if all that mankind has done so far were a first assignment, God would say: "And this too shall pass."
46
Theme song of Edvard Munch -
To scream the impossible scream
47
Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -
Bingo or Nothingness
by Jean-Paul Satire
50
Life is a many-layered cake.
Bite deep to taste it all.
The complete collection (over 1800 jokes) is available at my website http://www.seltzerbooks.com/jokes.html
1
What did Newton say to the apple?
May the force be with you.
2
Definition of predestination:
de fault of de stars.
3
It's not what you no;
it's what you yes that counts.
4
In Israel, a plumber and a carpenter were working together on a construction project.
The plumber boasted, "My dad invented the shower."
The carpenter replied, "My dad invented the rain."
5
The Earth is crazy.
Diagnosis - bipolar.
6
Chinese tell their kids:
"Think of all the overweight children in America.
Eat wisely."
7
When Moses had a headache, God gave him two tablets and told him to rest.
8
God told Jesus,
"Walk,
don't run,
on water."
9
When the cannibals served missionary for lunch, they called it "roast belief".
10
Vegetarians finally resolved the age-old question of which came first the chicken or the egg.
The egg plant.
11
What videogame was designed by a school of theology?
Moral Combat.
12
Early man had a bad sense of direction and often got lost.
That's how he earned the name "meander-thal man".
13
What did the papa shoe say to the baby shoe?
You are what you feet.
14
Some economists believe that the universe began when a consortium of bankers paid God to create it.
That is known as the Big Bank Theory.
15
How do sinners communicate at sea?
re-morse code
16
The Gospel of John deifies all logic.
17
What nursery rhyme character was renowned as a mathematician?
Simple Simon
He was a pi man
18
What's another name for an oracle?
A fountain of eternal truth
19
A guy who never studied enough in high school and college
became a success on Broadway
as an understudy.
20
When a college student has to repeat his first year,
that's called "refreshment".
21
My mother wrote
My father wrote.
So I learned by rote.
22
Some people can tell the future by listening to running children.
They read the pattern of little feet.
23
Why did the saliva drip down to the chin?
Because she wanted to explore outer face.
24
How can you say "broken" with just three characters?
132
(out of order)
25
What's a definition for "miraculous"?
Holy unlikely
26
What is the slogan of the Marine Corps math team?
Semper Finite
27
What is time squared?
42nd St. plus Broadway
28
An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.
29
What is a more shocking headline than "man bites dog"?
egg lays hen
30
The golden rule --
guilt is gold.
31
Noah didn't have time to gather two of every species. So God gave him the power to change one kind of animal to another, but the animals had to volunteer. As the deadline approached, Noah was still missing one African animal. So he started advertising, "Go home gnu."
32
Why did the scientist go all over the world looking for tea?
He was seeking certain tea.
33
Why were early Lutherans thin?
A diet of worms
34
Which Greek philosopher was also a great athlete?
Soccer Tees
35
Who is the Father of God?
The Godfather, of course.
36
Where should you go to learn to read a compass?
A magnet school.
37
What mathematical function helps get bank loans?
Cosign
38
What mathematical function is a person of color?
tan-gent
39
Going to school to learn how to morrow.
40
On the first Christmas, the Fairy Godmother gave God a 3D printer, and He made the Heavens and the Earth and people and everything.
41
The perfect gift for a spiritual leader --
birthday presence
42
The future is bright.
The past is stupid.
The present hasn't taken the test yet.
43
The after life is likely to be messy.
The after birth certainly is.
44
You can't take your time and have it too.
45
Definition of optimism:
If God were a professor and mankind a student and if all that mankind has done so far were a first assignment, God would say: "And this too shall pass."
46
Theme song of Edvard Munch -
To scream the impossible scream
47
Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged -
Bingo or Nothingness
by Jean-Paul Satire
50
Life is a many-layered cake.
Bite deep to taste it all.
The complete collection (over 1800 jokes) is available at my website http://www.seltzerbooks.com/jokes.html
June 16, 2020
Aphorisms about Writing and Rewriting by Richard Seltzer
(from Lenses, a collection of essays)
− The first draft is the cocoon in which the real story matures.
− The need to write fiction is an incurable disease you are born with.
− I write to find out what I think and believe.
− Create characters, not ideas.
− Thinking about your book is the real work. Putting it on paper is easy.
− In rewrite mode − anomalies are opportunities, adding layers to the narrative.
− Sometimes a book happens to you − like you are pregnant with it.
− One measure of the power of an author is how little needs to happen to show the characters undergoing enormous life-shifting changes. the best can tell a story with both subtlety and passion, where a look or a word has the narrative power of an earthquake. By that measure, Penelope Fitzgerald is one of the finest novelists of all time.
− The creative phase of writing is very different from the polishing and editing phase.
− To write something new or to significantly rewrite, I need to find a generative phrase − a line that implies a whole character, a whole life; a line that leads to another line and another and that generates a rhythm that carries the story forward. That's a very different process from analysis and criticism.
− Sometimes a good line is a hazard. You can like a line so much that you keep it, even though it wrecks the flow of the lines around it and of the story as a whole.
− The story is the vessel into which I pour my blood and guts − making exterior what's interior, so I can look at it and try to make sense of it.
− In writing, what is most private and personal is what connects us most with others, for that is what we most have in common.
− The aim is to get to a state of flow in which what matters to you finds external expression, and that external expression triggers in others something resembling your own internal experience.
Poetry happens when a word you would have never expected, turns out to be perfect, and changes how you think forever after.
− Definition of poetry − When words explode in your mind, and that feels good.
− Our self-knowledge and our knowledge of others is limited. Every memoir we write is fictitious in ways we do not fathom. It is more honest to call what we write fiction and to shape the story the way its internal logic demands.
− The characters appear in your dreams and you write down what they say and do; then edit and rewrite. It's their book, not yours. Treat them with respect and follow their advice.
− Once your characters come alive, you are always writing − no matter where you are and no matter what else you might be doing at the same time.
− Publication does not equal success. You have to enjoy writing for its own sake. Half a million people run in marathons in the US each year. Only a couple dozen win. They simply enjoy doing it.
− For me, when the characters come alive and take charge, and I'm just along for the ride − that's an author's high: a wonderful ride.
− When you begin your novel, the characters are your means for telling the story. If and when your characters come alive, the characters become the story.
− Typically, I begin with a critical situation and scene. The I hear the main characters talking in that scene and from that begin to flesh out who they are and some of the scenes and incidents that might have led to that point. Then I decide on an opening scene. Then fill in.
− Aim high. The sky is no limit. Infinity is next to nothing. Just divide anything by zero.
− Typos can be fun in unexpected ways. They often lead to puns and sometimes to stories and novels. They are like random mutations, some of which win in the struggle for survival. My writing would be lifeless without the inspiration of my typos.
− The Tao of Aphasia. To fight aphasia and memory glitches, empty your mind and let thoughts and words enter on their own. The harder you try, the harder remembering becomes. The paths, not the memories themselves wear out. Let your mind open new paths. Control by not controlling.
− The first draft is the cocoon in which the real story matures.
− The need to write fiction is an incurable disease you are born with.
− I write to find out what I think and believe.
− Create characters, not ideas.
− Thinking about your book is the real work. Putting it on paper is easy.
− In rewrite mode − anomalies are opportunities, adding layers to the narrative.
− Sometimes a book happens to you − like you are pregnant with it.
− One measure of the power of an author is how little needs to happen to show the characters undergoing enormous life-shifting changes. the best can tell a story with both subtlety and passion, where a look or a word has the narrative power of an earthquake. By that measure, Penelope Fitzgerald is one of the finest novelists of all time.
− The creative phase of writing is very different from the polishing and editing phase.
− To write something new or to significantly rewrite, I need to find a generative phrase − a line that implies a whole character, a whole life; a line that leads to another line and another and that generates a rhythm that carries the story forward. That's a very different process from analysis and criticism.
− Sometimes a good line is a hazard. You can like a line so much that you keep it, even though it wrecks the flow of the lines around it and of the story as a whole.
− The story is the vessel into which I pour my blood and guts − making exterior what's interior, so I can look at it and try to make sense of it.
− In writing, what is most private and personal is what connects us most with others, for that is what we most have in common.
− The aim is to get to a state of flow in which what matters to you finds external expression, and that external expression triggers in others something resembling your own internal experience.
Poetry happens when a word you would have never expected, turns out to be perfect, and changes how you think forever after.
− Definition of poetry − When words explode in your mind, and that feels good.
− Our self-knowledge and our knowledge of others is limited. Every memoir we write is fictitious in ways we do not fathom. It is more honest to call what we write fiction and to shape the story the way its internal logic demands.
− The characters appear in your dreams and you write down what they say and do; then edit and rewrite. It's their book, not yours. Treat them with respect and follow their advice.
− Once your characters come alive, you are always writing − no matter where you are and no matter what else you might be doing at the same time.
− Publication does not equal success. You have to enjoy writing for its own sake. Half a million people run in marathons in the US each year. Only a couple dozen win. They simply enjoy doing it.
− For me, when the characters come alive and take charge, and I'm just along for the ride − that's an author's high: a wonderful ride.
− When you begin your novel, the characters are your means for telling the story. If and when your characters come alive, the characters become the story.
− Typically, I begin with a critical situation and scene. The I hear the main characters talking in that scene and from that begin to flesh out who they are and some of the scenes and incidents that might have led to that point. Then I decide on an opening scene. Then fill in.
− Aim high. The sky is no limit. Infinity is next to nothing. Just divide anything by zero.
− Typos can be fun in unexpected ways. They often lead to puns and sometimes to stories and novels. They are like random mutations, some of which win in the struggle for survival. My writing would be lifeless without the inspiration of my typos.
− The Tao of Aphasia. To fight aphasia and memory glitches, empty your mind and let thoughts and words enter on their own. The harder you try, the harder remembering becomes. The paths, not the memories themselves wear out. Let your mind open new paths. Control by not controlling.
June 14, 2020
Finnegan Died by Richard Seltzer
(from Dark Woods and Other Poems http://www.seltzerbooks.com/poems.html
(On the occasion of the closing of Thee Coffee House, San Angelo, Texas, and the assemblage of its nostalgic friends, many of whom hadn't been around for months. November 28, 1970.)
Finnegan died,
as people do every once in a while,
so they held a funeral, an Irish funeral,
and relatives and old friends who hadn't seen him for months or years all gathered,
and it being winter, they held the picnic inside by candlelight;
and everybody had such a good time
that Grandpa promised to die next year so they could have another good time just like it,
and Grandma volunteered for the next year,
then all the aunts and uncles and cousins and third cousins and friends,
till they had two centuries all booked up,
and some pessimist in the crowd complained that he probably wouldn't live long enough for them to celebrate his funeral,
and one of the aunts complained that hers was scheduled after one of the cousins, and she wasn't going to play second fiddle to any mere cousin;
so Finnegan got up out of his coffin and told them to stop their squabbling --
they'd just open up a coffeehouse,
and every week they'd close it again,
and if people died, well, they could do it when they felt like it, in no particular order;
but everybody could get together anyway, once or twice a week,
and celebrate the funeral of the coffeehouse.
(On the occasion of the closing of Thee Coffee House, San Angelo, Texas, and the assemblage of its nostalgic friends, many of whom hadn't been around for months. November 28, 1970.)
Finnegan died,
as people do every once in a while,
so they held a funeral, an Irish funeral,
and relatives and old friends who hadn't seen him for months or years all gathered,
and it being winter, they held the picnic inside by candlelight;
and everybody had such a good time
that Grandpa promised to die next year so they could have another good time just like it,
and Grandma volunteered for the next year,
then all the aunts and uncles and cousins and third cousins and friends,
till they had two centuries all booked up,
and some pessimist in the crowd complained that he probably wouldn't live long enough for them to celebrate his funeral,
and one of the aunts complained that hers was scheduled after one of the cousins, and she wasn't going to play second fiddle to any mere cousin;
so Finnegan got up out of his coffin and told them to stop their squabbling --
they'd just open up a coffeehouse,
and every week they'd close it again,
and if people died, well, they could do it when they felt like it, in no particular order;
but everybody could get together anyway, once or twice a week,
and celebrate the funeral of the coffeehouse.
Richard Seltzer
Here I post thoughts, memories, stories, essays, jokes -- anything that strikes my fancy. This meant to be idiosyncratic and fun. I welcome feedback and suggestions. seltzer@seltzerbooks.com
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