Craig Cross's Blog, page 8

London blog: London Aquarium

I had a fish tank once, a tropical fish tank filled with electric-looking stripes of light and a Siamese Fighting Fish, but they only lasted for a few years and then it all ended in tears (terrible sobbing scenes). It was all red eyes and goodbyes as I buried them in the dustbin (actually, I think I might have flushed them down the toilet). I'm still emotionally raw about it. I'm a very emotional guy. Whenever I go down the fish and chip shop it brings back painful memories. But I'm going to...

London blog: Queen's Gallery

The Queen certainly does have a lot of nice knick-knacks. She's got so many of them, in fact, that she's run out of room to show them in her palaces -- she's had to open up a whole extra art gallery next-door to Buckingham Palace. The first thing you need to know about the Queen's Gallery is that it has an annoying habit of selling you a timed ticket during busy periods. So if you're one of those meticulous people who plans out every minute of their holiday itinerary with military precision...

London blog: Guards' Museum

While I'm standing here waiting for the Guards' Museum to open a little old lady has walked up with a load of tatty plastic bags and piled them on a bench, chatting quite happily to herself, with all the associated arm actions and animated facial expressions that go with being mad. I haven't got the faintest idea what she's talking about because it's all in French, but she seems happy enough. She actually seems happier than me. I'm just going to do what British people do best and pretend...

London blog: Saatchi Gallery

You don't want to listen to me when it comes to art because I haven't got a clue what I'm talking about (hey, at least I'm honest!). But I do know what minimalism is, and the Saatchi Gallery is a minimalist gallery of modern art. That is how I would describe it, because there's hardly any art inside. It's all sandpapered floorboards and bright white lights illuminating bare white walls. This gallery doesn't have a permanent collection so what I describe to you now may have disappeared by the...

London blog: Battersea Park Children's Zoo

I'm always a bit embarrassed coming to Battersea Park Children's Zoo because I'm obviously not a kid. It's definitely a kid's place. All of the other adults have got wailing babies, volcanic toddlers or stormcloud-faced teenagers to drag around, but not me. So I'm just going to have a look at the meerkats and the monkeys and keep the rain company for a while. This must be one of the sleepiness zoo in England. I keep meaning to bring some drums and cymbals with me to wake the monkeys up,...

London blog: Sir John Soane's Museum

Whenever I visit Sir John Soane's Museum I'm always reminded of those old cop show episodes where they beat on a front door and get no answer, so they shoulder-barge it open and find a skyscraper stack of newspapers piled up behind it. Ten years' worth of papers and magazines all tied up in string, and a mountain of carrier bags stuffed inside more bags, all packed with the tat they couldn't bear to throw away. And buried somewhere in the rubbish will be a dead body... we'll that's what this...

London blog: Museum of London

The Museum of London spans a few thousand years of the city's history, from dinos and rhinos to cider winos sitting on the steps of St. Paul's Cathedral... that's how far we've come in a few thousand years. The only animals we have now are pigeons and squirrels, but back in the distant days we had a plain full of hippos and elephants. They've dug up monkey bones, lions, bison, bears... it was better than London Zoo. The first room is full of these bones, plus stones, rocks, pots and bits of...

London blog: Postman's Park

This is a lunch break place -- people come here for a quick cigarette (bad for you) or a cardboard cup of coffee (also bad for you). They spread out on the benches and fiddle with their phones for twenty minutes until it's time to go back to work. That is what modern life is like: when we're at work we press buttons on our computer, and when we're on a tea-break we press buttons on our phones. And then we go home and press buttons on the telly. Buttons, buttons, buttons. I wonder if it's...

London blog: British Library

The British Library is a construction of such monumental ugliness that it's worth seeing simply for that. Come and see the ugliest building in London! It's as if they've tipped a billion bricks into a pile and now they're waiting for the builders to start putting it all together. Only they won't. Because it's finished. This is it. Now it just sits on the side of the Euston Road in the same way that your black bin bags do on dustbin Monday. It's too big to chuck a tarpaulin over it. There's...

London blog: London Canal Museum

Canals. That's one of those words that sits alongside caravans, cottages and sheds as a waypoint towards old age. There comes a point in everybody's life when they swap cocktails in a nightclub for a freeze-box filled with French bread and coleslaw on the banks of a canal. They stretch their legs out in the tall wispy grass and watch the houseboats chugging by, maybe waving at an old couple onboard as if they've known them for years. (You always have to wave at strangers on a boat -- that's...