Garrison Keillor's Blog, page 81

What will be Trump’s legacy? Who cares.

Was Donald J. Trump a recruit in

The Russians’ quest for a route in-

To the Oval Office

By way of a novice?

Trump pooh-poohs it: pooh-Putin.

Read the full column at the Chicago Tribune’s site →

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The damage that 80,000 Trump voters in three states can do

He promised the swamp would be drained,

Was elected, said “Rain!” and it rained

And the old crocodiles

Wore flesh-eating smiles

And the turtles were well entertained.

Read the full column at the Denver Post’s site →

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Making America profane again

So many Trumpists have written in since the election, and I am grateful for their interest and also impressed by the sheer variety of their profanity. I never learned to swear that well because by the time my mother died, at 97, it was too late for me to learn. I gather from the letters that their lives were devastated by the advent of gay marriage, political correctness, the threat of gun control, the arrogance of liberals, and now a champion rises from Fifth Avenue & 56th Street and God forbid that any dog should bark when he speaks or any pigeon drop white matter on his limousine.

Read the full column at the Denver Post’s site →

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Trump voters — it’s not me, it’s you

So we have split up. Democrats and Republicans. Mutual loathing. So Thanksgiving is ruined, maybe Christmas. We Hillarians look at strangers in the airport and think, “You did, didn’t you? Yes, you did.” And they know who we are. If I were drowning and calling for help, they would throw me a large rock. If they were drowning, I’d toss them an anvil. Scripture says to love your enemy but it doesn’t say exactly when or how.

Read the full column at the Washington Post’s site →

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Donald Trump will be president, yes, but life will go on

It was gratifying that after Wisconsin voted him into the presidency, the gentleman did not talk about putting Hillary in prison. That was a nice surprise. And when he met with Obama of Kenya, the white sahib was well-behaved, listened to what the African had to say, did not interrupt or call him stupid, and in fact thanked the alien for meeting with him. He did a good impersonation of modesty.

Read the full column at the Chicago Tribune’s site →

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Trump voters will not like what happens next

So he won. The nation takes a deep breath. Raw ego and proud illiteracy have won out, and a severely learning-disabled man with a real character problem will be president. We are so exhausted from thinking about this election, millions of people will take up leaf-raking and garage cleaning with intense pleasure. We liberal elitists are wrecks. The Trumpers had a whale of a good time, waving their signs, jeering at the media, beating up protesters, chanting “Lock her up” — we elitists just stood and clapped. Nobody chanted “Stronger Together.” It just doesn’t chant.

Read the full column at the Washington Post’s site →

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Don’t make me use the Ira Glass, Republicans

I cannot speak for others, but I do not believe that James Comey of the FBI has used KGB hackers to plant e-mails in Anthony Weiner’s laptop and thereby rig the election for Donald Trump whose double is waiting in a Russian sub off Staten Island, but I keep hearing this from people and so I’ll have to look into it. Nor has it been established for certain that Mr. Comey is the love child of Clyde Tolson by J. Edgar Hoover (the J. stands for Jennifer), but on the other hand we don’t know that it’s not true, and Mr. Comey does seem to have J.’s lovely liquid eyes.

Read the full column at the Denver Post’s site →

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Bob Dylan, Donald Trump and the wrong prizes

It’s time for recombobulation, after this long-running smash-hit presidential campaign, which you have enjoyed to the hilt and don’t deny it. Never been anything like it. The hulking duke of darkness, the nasty lady in white. Goodbye, high school civics. Hello, Shakespeare. But now we must deal with serious business, such as the foolishness of the Smithsonian wanting to spend $300,000 to preserve Dorothy’s ruby-red slippers from “The Wizard of Oz.” (No, no, no, no, no. They’re only shoes, folks. If you want to see them, watch the movie and Judy Garland will click the heels together. Spend the money to sweeten the retirement plans of museum guards.) And we must deal with Bob Dylan and his attitude toward the Nobel Prize in Literature, and will he go to Stockholm in December?

Read the full column at the Washington Post’s site →

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What every New Yorker knows about Donald Trump

I know, it seems outrageous, But it’s getting a lot of attention on some very respectable Web pages — which mainstream media won’t mention:

Donald Trump was not born in Queens,

He was born in the Philippines,

In a hotel in downtown Manila.

Where his hair turned bright vanilla

Due to vitamin deficiencies.

Read the full column at the Chicago Tribune’s site →

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Hillary Clinton’s concrete shoes

I saw Hillary Clinton once working a rope line for more than an hour, a Secret Service man holding her firmly by the hips as she leaned over the rope and reached into the mass of arms and hands reaching out to her. She had learned the art of encountering the crowd and making it look personal. It was not glamorous work, more like picking fruit, and it took the sort of discipline your mother instills in you: Those people waited to see you, so by gosh you can treat them right.

Read the full column at the Chicago Tribune’s site →

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