Sandra Tayler's Blog, page 63

The World is Big

Sometimes I am so focused on the happenings inside the walls of my house, the hearts of my people, that I forget how big the world is.

It is big and wondrous. Skies like these can absorb any stress I care to throw at them.

Of course, under skies like these and with such views to see, it is hard to remember any stresses at all. Two more days of vacation. I think some of my stresses are lost in those skies forever and I’m bringing home the memory of sky instead.

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On Vacation

Three years ago Howard and I realized that life was never going to reach a state when we were un-stressed enough to take a vacation. So we started scheduling vacations and expecting the stresses to bend around them. In the past few years we’ve had an annual trip three or four days long. They’ve landed mid-book shipping, Mid-scramble to get a book off to print, mid-editorial emergency, mid-financial crisis, and any other mid you can think of. Slowly we’ve acquired some habits and habitual locations which make the vacations themselves much smoother. We’ve also learned that most things will not turn into disasters for waiting an extra week. Today was the first day of spring break for the kids. We put down all the work and headed for our escape in southern Utah. Family vacations matter.

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Ignoring the things I ought to do

I slept late on purpose. Then I went forward through the day without once consulting my list of things to do. I accomplished one thing, which was attending a church broadcast with my two daughters. We attended by curling up on the couch in my office and watching over the internet. All the rest of the day I did nothing productive. I feel better after the end of this day than I have for most of the week. I am now able to picture how I can enjoy having things to do. Vacation next week may restore me to normal. My mind will become quiet enough that I can use it to write words.

I spent some time today talking on the phone with a friend. She helped me sort my thoughts, which was good, because things had gotten so tangled that I couldn’t begin to write–my preferred brain sorting method. One of the things we talked about was the slipperiness of the human mind and its ability to believe contrary things simultaneously. Mine in particular seems to be pinging back and forth between believing that things are dire and that I’m just imagining all the crisis. I also feel guilty. The guilt is attractive because if I caused the problem, then I can fix it. At the same time I know it is not really mine to fix, nor am I at fault. Humans are social animals. We’re always looking around at others to see what is normal and adjust our behavior. This is not a great strategy when we’re struggling with hard emotions, because one of two things will happen. Either we’ll see someone worse off who is handling things better, and feel like we’re over reacting. Or we’ll see someone who is better off and complaining more and feel justified. When it comes to pain, we feel what we feel, whether or not those feels are proportional to the event.

The best gift today has given me is the ability to see the good things from the past week. Even some of the hard things were good, or will be good eventually. Some of the not-so-hard ones are: This week Kiki got to try on the amazing prom dress she gets to borrow. Patch’s teacher came up to me and told me that the troubles he was having at school have evaporated almost completely. Link decided to spend time teaching Patch how to play a video game so that the two of them can play together. Howard accomplished all of his work so he feels relaxed enough for vacation. Gleek rediscovered playing in the back yard with her friends. The weather was lovely. We’ve collected most of the Kickstarter pledge information so I’ll be able to ship. Howard was nominated for Hugo awards again this year. A couple of letters came in the mail. Several letters came via email. I have pieces of multiple blog posts which will be very worthwhile when I have time to properly assemble them. I got to go with Patch to meet his teacher for next year. I got to go see Patch’s wax museum event where he dressed up and danced a Virginia reel with a girl in his class.

This week was full of good things. Resting today let me see them again.

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Hard Things, Anxiety, Schools, and Hope

Sometimes, in the middle of a hard thing, all I can do is remember that I once believed it was possible and keep going.

I tweeted those words yesterday, because yesterday and Monday I could not feel hope. I could logically think through the steps we’re going to take in the next few weeks; the meeting with school staff to establish structures for Gleek, the psychological evaluation report meeting on Friday, the round of therapy that will begin soon after, the probability of medication. I could see all the steps. I knew that they would help, but I had run out of hope. The answer was to keep going, following the logical steps until things get better. So that is what I did.

Today I don’t exactly feel full of hope, but I’m not so wrung and numb as I was. I’m cautious of hope right now because I had so much of it a week ago just before it became apparent that even my stepped up parenting game was not going to bring Gleek’s anxiety under control. I hoped so hard that the extra efforts would work. Instead things got more difficult, which led to an emergency meeting and Gleek taking a two day break from school.

Sometimes a crisis can be a good thing if it serves as an impetus for a course correction. The two days gave me time to emotionally process. They gave Gleek a chance to realize that she really does want to be in school. On Monday I had no clue what could be done. Today I have a new plan to share at the meeting tomorrow morning. More important, I see clearly how very fortunate we are in her current school placement. I’ve had four different teachers tell me that if Gleek needs a quiet space she can come to their classroom. The office staff greets her by name. Any time one of her classmates saw me (more than one classmate, at least four times) they’d say “Tell Gleek we miss her.” The school hosts three classes for autistic children and one for kids with behavioral issues; the staff knows how to manage a child who has curled into a non-responsive ball. The students consider that sort of thing pretty normal. We are so very lucky to not be fighting misunderstanding and hostility while facing down anxiety.

The reasons for hope are many. I’m pretty sure we’ll get there. If I have one complaint it is the fact that we had a month long wait to see the psychiatrist while having to manage crises which could have been avoided if we’d already seen him. Right now we’re in a patch and hold pattern. Howard is holding down the fort on the business front and catching many of the household tasks that I’ve abandoned. The other kids needs have not declined and we’re working hard as parents to keep meeting those needs. Everything else I’ve pared back to minimum so that I have enough flexibility of schedule to drop what I am doing and go spend an hour at Gleek’s school as needed.

I found myself about to write that I hope we’ll stabilize before the challenge coin shipping hits, so I guess I do have some hope. I also hope that this hope will not be completely smashed like the last round. That counts as a meta-hope. Knowing that I have hope is both relieving and frightening. I need to stop thinking about it right now. I know the plan for tonight and tomorrow; that’s all I need for now.

One foot in front of the other until we’ve arrived someplace else.

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Meeting at the School

It is never fun to have an hour long meeting including the principal, two teachers, and the school psychologist when the subject of the meeting is “How do we help your child cope with school in a way that does not place a huge burden on already overburdened school staff.” Short term interventions are still to be devised. Long term plans (already in process) include meetings with psychiatric professionals and weekly therapy for awhile. At some point I may outline some of these interventions because the shape of them might be useful to others. Right now it all feels a bit raw and I’m tired of crying.

Not fun at all. Just in case you were wondering.

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Willpower is a limited resource

I’ve been extremely focused in the past few weeks. I have appointments to keep, assignments to get done, and deadlines to make. In addition I’ve been deliberately shifting some of my parenting tactics to meet the shifted needs of my kids. All of this requires my attention and energy. I run out of both long before I run out of things that require them. This is the reason that I’ve been culling all the non-essentials out of my schedule. I have enough hours for them, but I must conserve my energy against a surprise draw. Conflicts show up without consulting me to find out when it might be convenient.

The good news is that the term finally ended last Friday. We are done with the last scramble to get things turned in. Patch has a big report due next week, but then we’ll have Spring Break, a whole week with no new school things to track or react to. It will be a good thing, especially considering I tend to land on the shores of Saturday gasping for breath and needing the extra space. After the break I think things will be better. We’ll all be rested and ready to tackle the seven weeks to the end of the school year. Or so I hope.

Things feel pretty good right now. I’ve had a nice slow Saturday during which I got some things done and not others. I still have Sunday ahead of me before I plunge into Monday. Hopefully I can stock up enough rest and willpower to last me through next week.

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Thoughts on the Kickstarter Close

Howard’s challenge coin Kickstarter made far more money than we ever expected. In the next month we need to pay to have 14 different coins printed and we’re likely printing at least 1000 of each type of coin. This is a crazy quantity. As soon as we have coins in hand, I’ll be shipping out over 2598 packages. We’ve already got some people signed up to help, but I’ve only begun to figure out what the process looks like. At least my test shipping supplies arrived today. I can begin to figure out the best methods to pack coins into packages. Then I have to figure out how to stage the work, how to schedule the work, etc.

There is also the accounting. I don’t know yet how much of that money has to go to coin printing, to shipping supplies, and to postage. I know it will be enough to fund the printing of Body Politic and the almost overdue reprint of Tub of Happiness. I am not going to have to carefully pinch pennies and chew my nails to make sure we can fund book printing. This is a huge gift. Beyond that, I don’t know. I don’t know what future complications will come. By June it will have all settled out, just in time for summer conventions.

For tonight Howard and I will just look at the huge expression of trust and enthusiasm that we’ve been given. It is amazing and humbling.

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Things I need to tell myself while facing diagnosis for a child

First: Realize that you have a battle to fight with denial. You really want to be imagining things. Any time things are normal for a while, you will doubt the diagnosis, doubt the need to seek treatment, decide to just let it all slide for a bit.

Second: You will grieve when you finally hear a doctor confirm what you already knew, but wanted to pretend wasn’t so. It feels more real when said by someone else. Then all the denial washes away and you have to know that your child will struggle with this, perhaps all her life. And it isn’t fair. It isn’t what you wanted for your child, but it is now fact.

Third: You will react to any behavior from any of your other children which mirrors the disordered behavior. Watch that.

Fourth: Diagnosis is a tool, a lever you can use to shape the public school system into something that will work for your child. Make sure it stays your tool rather than being used against her.

Fifth: It is going to be okay. Really it is. Remember the inspirations you’ve had. It’ll probably all settle down before summer.

Sixth: Don’t get so absorbed in the difficult things that you forget to see the wholeness in your child. Consciously think of the strengths she already has that will carry her through.

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Afternoon Parenting Battles

First there was the battle of the Mythology assignment. Link gave me many reasons for why he didn’t need to do it: talking about Greek gods made him uncomfortable, the deadline was today, he’d already done enough work to rescue his grade from an F. I listened to his reasons and recognized them as “Do Not Want,” so we focused on the other assignment first. Also due today. I sat next to him as he wrote two paragraphs about faith in humanity and the holocaust while the history teacher sat at his desk, patiently staying late so Link could turn in the assignments before the deadline. We tackled the Mythology assignment too, and completed it.

Link was not done with homework. He still had some computer homework and an essay, both of which must be completed before the end of the term on Friday. Once home, we had a lively discussion about how and when we would tackle these projects. I favored “let’s just get it done” and Link favored “I’ll do it tomorrow.” We found a compromise. I call victory because, while the negotiations were tiring, they never became hostile. Link never tried to make me into the bad guy and he could see that I was applying pressure to help him. Conflict without acrimony, definitely a win.

Link was not the only one with homework, Patch had a small pile of his own. The moment I mentioned it he began bouncing around the room like a hyper squirrel. Again and again I brought him back to the task at hand, refusing to let him get distracted by the many things which were suddenly fascinating. Eventually I held him still, stared into his eyes, and pointed out what he was doing. There followed falling on the floor and moaning because all of the work was impossible. It wasn’t. He knew it wasn’t. I pointed out that he knew it wasn’t. Then I gave him a little mini-lecture on the value of being able to tell when something feels impossible, but is actually easy to accomplish. He didn’t get it. Instead of facing his stresses he keeps using humor to deflect them. Humor is a great coping strategy, but he needs to learn how to wield it in a way that does not frustrate people trying to help him. Thirty minutes later the ten minute long project was done.

Then it was time to detach Gleek from the computer to begin bedtime. Any time I have to redirect her I get “one sec” or “I need to do one more thing.” Left unchecked, Gleek will one more thing herself through two hours of continued play. I don’t want an angry argument. I would really love for us to move smoothly through the familiar steps of bedtime. But once I got her off the computer, she had snack and began reading a book. Then comes the struggle of getting her to put down the book to brush teeth and go to bed.

None of the afternoon battles were big arguments. I stayed calm and treated each one as a teaching moment. They were chances for my kids to learn self-management and for me to practice patience. I’m grateful I had the emotional reserves to stay in the teaching zone. Though I think I’ve earned my fatigue this evening.

There are signs that the lessons are beginning to stick. After I came upstairs from wrangling Gleek off the computer, Patch said “Is parenting hard sometimes?” I answered that yes it was. Patch nodded.

End of term is Friday. Patch has caught up on his overdue work and now we only have regular work to do. Gleek is having a light homework week because of field trips. We’re finding our way through.

Comments are open on the original post at onecobble.com.

Some Days I Get to be Professional

This morning I put on my professional person hat for the first time in about two weeks. I’ve been swimming in parenting during that time, but things have finally stabilized. (I hope.) The next round of focused parenting begins with a doctor’s appointment on Friday, so I have a window of opportunity to get some work done. I began with layout for The Body Politic. The cover is mostly done and I’m beginning to tweak the pages.

I also looked at my calendar and realized that Writing for Charity is coming up in just over a month. This is a great event where you can pay to attend classes and get manuscript critiques. All of the proceeds from the event go to charity. I will be helping teach two classes in the morning, but my attendance in the afternoon will be spotty due to some family obligations. (Of course there are conflicts. This is the year when every single event has a conflict and forces me to choose.)

Just two weeks past that is The LDS Storymakers conference. Word has it that the conference is almost sold out. I will be present all day both days of the conference.

My professional brain has re-emerged. I have hopes that my writer brain will soon come out of hiding as well. At some point I need to get back to writing fiction.

Comments are open on the original post at onecobble.com.