Sandra Tayler's Blog, page 52

School Orientations and Packing (or Unpacking)

The three who will be living at home this year have all ventured forth to survey their classrooms. Link and Gleek each had a half day orientation day. They toured their new schools, opened their lockers, and figured out which friends are in which classes. Both are excited to go back tomorrow. Patch just had a quick open house, but really that was all he needed. He already knew exactly which teacher he would get and he knows at least half of his classmates already. He sat and talked with one of those friends for a bit, then we headed back home.

The one who will be living elsewhere spent a portion of her day packing up things in her room. I assisted as she formed piles of things to take to college, things to box up for storage, and things to get rid of. It was cheerful work mostly, though it did wear Kiki out after awhile. I think we’re about half done, which is good because we only have one day left.

Howard came home from the airport tired and full of thoughts. Those thoughts have been unpacking all day. I’ll sit near him, ready to take notes on tasks while we sort through the suitcase and see which thoughts spill out at the same time. The list is long because we have two more shows in quick succession.

And so we had our first day of school. Sort of. It was like a practice day. Tomorrow we do it again for real.

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I am Glad for Hymns at Church Today

There was a musical number halfway through the church meeting. It was a cello, violin, and piano rendition of I Know That My Redeemer Lives. I sat in the congregation with my eyes closed, attempting to really focus on the beauty of the sound and to feel a devotional spirit from the meeting. The hymn is very familiar to me, so the lyrics floated through my mind along with the music. However I also mused upon the thought that if I really believe in Christ and the gospel, then that belief should inform every action I take. My beliefs should echo through my decisions and how I spend my time. I think I generally do well with that, but in specific details I could do better. It seemed a beautiful message to take to heart from a hymn, so I was content. But then the arrangement of music shifted and grew more complex, the instruments played separate parts instead of being harmonious, and the words for that portion of the song presented themselves in the front of my mind.

He lives to calm my troubled heart

He lives all blessings to impart.

By the time we reached heart, I was crying and trying not to do so obviously. Because my heart has been quite troubled for a long time. Not on the surface, not in daily life, but I was seriously shaken last spring. Several of my beloved people struggled mightily with mental health issues and my parental self-doubt was dredged up and spread in a layer over most of it. When the turmoil subsided, I was glad for the return of stability, but my deep heart was troubled. I let it rest because there were things to do and because I knew it was not time to heal.

This week I send Kiki to college. I send Link to high school. I send Gleek to junior high. The only one not making a schooling transition is Patch. All of us are going to have to adapt to not having Kiki in the house. Patch is having to adapt to the fact that Gleek is losing interest in the games they used to play together. Howard just attended a week long convention and is about to attend another which has historically been a difficult one. There is so much potential for things to be as emotionally chaotic as they were last spring. No amount of logic and calm observation has been able to quell that part of me that is troubled and waiting for the sky to fall again. Yet in church I was handed the answer to a question I didn’t even know I ought to ask.

The closing hymn was Oh May My Soul Commune With Thee, and in the final verse we sang:

Lord, grant me thy abiding love

and make my turmoil cease

Oh, may my soul commune with thee

and find in thee my peace.

Message received. My heart has been troubled for months. It is still troubled, but now I know where to start in finding peace to calm it. Because I can recite to myself the ways that my people are amazing, but He can tell me it will be okay in a way that I can maybe, hopefully believe. I have been afraid for six months and it would be nice to stop. Really stop. Empty out the scared place and fill it with some other emotion, because I’ve reached the point where all the waiting is done. The change is here and I don’t know how much sadness I’m going to feel this week.

In the last few months I’ve had many conversations with parents who have already been through launching kids into adulthood. Several have spoken of ongoing grief at losing the mother identity and struggling to find something else. One talked of having a permanent hole in her heart left by the departing child, which sounds depressing to me. I would like to make this transition gracefully and joyfully, because launching my kids into independent adults has always been the end goal. Yet I cried for two days when they went back to school a year ago, because I knew that it was the beginning of the end of the part of my life when all my kids were under my care and direction. A reasonable amount of grief is to be expected, but I hope this week brings joy too.

Perhaps that troubled place in my heart can instead be filled with anticipation for the many cool things that are yet to come. I’m excited to see how Link will step up to the challenge of being the oldest kid at home. I’m curious to see whether this will be the year when girls become interesting and he starts talking to them. I’m looking forward to Gleek having both choir and art in her schedule. I wonder how long it will be before she makes a dozen friends at school. I’m hoping to see the at-home kids learn to communicate with Kiki via email and skype. There is so much potential for good in this coming year and I’ve been avoiding thinking about it because it was mixed up with the emotional turmoil.

So, song as prayer: Calm my troubled heart. Make my turmoil cease.

These will be my theme songs for the week and at the end of it my world will be a different place. If I really believe all the things I claim to believe, then opening my troubled heart and allowing it to be filled with something else is one of the specific details I need to be better at. Strange how I hold tight to my fears and it is hard to let them go, but clearly this is what I’m being asked to do. I will try.

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Spending My Saturday with the Kids

By packaging up some orders late Friday night, I cleared Saturday morning so that my kids and I could go to the water park. Conversations with Link, Patch, and Gleek made clear that going was one of the defining parts of summer and they would all be sad if it did not happen before school started. So we went. Kiki stayed home because she doesn’t much like water parks. At this point the four of us have some established patterns we follow at the park. Slides first before the lines get long. Then the wave pool. After that Link goes solo for more sliding while Gleek, Patch, and I bounce between various pools and the lazy river. We pack out by noon before the sun gets vicious and the crowds get thick. Three hours is plenty. We still came home looking sunned, but not badly burned.

I don’t take my phone inside the water park. The primary reason for this is because I try not to bring in anything that I’ll cry over if it gets lost, broken, or stolen. None of these things has happened to us, but since our belongings end up piled unguarded for much of the day, the policy is a good one. An important side benefit of the lack of phone is that I’m not tempted to split my attention from parenting. It is nice to have a clearly defined space where I’m not supposed to be working. Work and family get so mixed up together during the summer months. I struggle to create defined spaces and times, but I fail at that lots. One unexpected aid this summer was when I switched to my new phone. It allowed me to finally download a task management program. That program encouraged me to create separate lists for different kinds of tasks rather than trying to keep everything on the same list. It has been a boon, because with a flick of my finger I can look at only shipping tasks or only parenting tasks or only tasks that I have to complete today. I can focus my attention instead of trying to track everything at once. of course I’m now far more dependent on my phone than I was before, hence leaving it in the car while we went to the park.

The afternoon and evening of a water park day are always quiet and sometimes contain napping. Ours was made more interesting by a rumbling thunderstorm that blew through with wind and rain. By the time it was done we had plant debris pretty much everywhere in our yard, but no significant damage. I’ve heard reports of trees and fences knocked down. While the storm blew outside my window, Patch and I curled up to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 4. He hadn’t seen all those movies and liked the idea of curling up with me to watch, so we’ve been making our way through. As I watched I thought about character consistency and why Jack Sparrow was a delightful side character but is less effective as a protagonist. I also thought that the actors must have gotten really tired of being wet. Patch watched adventure and excitement. Perhaps we’ll tackle the Lord of the Rings movies next, because snuggly movie time is nice.

I thought about Howard at GenCon while I was having my day at home with the kids. I’m a bit sad not to be there. Howard tells me stories on the phone and I wish I could be part of them or have my own stories to tell. Yet I’m really glad I did not miss out on today. It was a good day.

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A Day of Odds and Ends

Link was hoping that today would be a go-to-the-waterpark day. Instead it was an odds and ends day. I watched my older sister’s two youngest kids while she and her husband helped their college boy move out of the dorms. He’s headed back home to file paperwork to go on a mission. Watching the two girls was much more low key than last Wednesday when I watched my younger sister’s crew of four. Not having a toddler and preschooler makes a difference in how much attention has to be paid per minute. It was nice for my kids to see their cousins, though in both cases it did make clear that my kids are moving out of the free form pretending stages. Patch is still there, the rest are not.

I also tackled some customer support issues for which I was the customer. In the end I achieved my goals, but I can’t call it a pleasant experience when I have to chat with two different people and leave a message with a third to even figure out if I’ve reached the right department in the company. If that third department could have just said “we’ll totally fix that for you, just give us an hour” It would have saved me from complaining out loud on Twitter. Customer support via twitter is not good for anybody really. The messages are too short for complex problems and they are public instead of private. But in the end we got an email with the proper serial number to make Kiki’s copy of Adobe Creative Suite 6 into an official copy. She has the tools she needs.

The return of the “thinks it’s been stolen” iPad is still pending. I had to call that company and nudge them, which irritates me. They got the return on Wednesday, but did not process the replacement until I called them this morning (Friday), despite the fact that I made it very clear that I was in a hurry to get the replacement. The lady told me she would rush it and send it next day. Except they assembled the package in the afternoon (I got a shipment notification) but haven’t yet given it to UPS (Not in their tracking system yet) so I have my doubts that it will show up at my house on Monday like she promised. Fine. I’ll reshuffle my schedule for setting up my Point of Sale system. It’s not like I had anything else to do. (I may be a little cranky about this. Logically I understand that these things happen and I try not to take it out on the customer support people, but it leaves cranky flying loose and I guess this is where it vented a bit.)

I took Gleek to get re-pixied. This time I really like the shape of the pixie cut, which is a relief and means that my reservations about the prior cut were particular to that cut and not to pixie cuts in general. The style really suits her and she’ll be adorable for the beginning of middle school on Monday. She is not the only one headed to school on Monday even though the official first day is Tuesday. The High school called to inform me that there is an orientation for incoming students, of which Link is one. This was the first I’d heard of this orientation day. So Link and Gleek will be off to school on Monday while Patch and Kiki remain at home.

I wanted to do more focused work through out the day, but it was a scattered day instead. Perhaps tomorrow will see some effective efforts from me.

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Conventions, Family, and Making Choices

Shipping day, booth set up day, and post-con accounting day are when I discover which out of hundreds of things I failed to adequately track. That is the not fun part, when I realize that I’ve failed to do some simple thing and because of it life is more complicated. The problems are usually small and often easily resolved, but there is a voice in my head which berates me for failing to anticipate and prevent the problem. This is one of the reasons that I was glad that events conspired for me to take a break from being with Howard at major conventions. I had to figure out how to disconnect that angry voice in my head. Once the event is in motion it does not matter whose fault it is that we’re about to run out of tape. What matters is sending someone on a quick run to the store to buy more tape. Problem solved, on we go.

After I dropped Howard at the airport (he’s headed to GenCon) I came home and sat in my hammock to think. It was the first real pause I’d had all day. As part of our preparations for the three big conventions, we got to talking about the big events we have scheduled for next year. Worldcon will be in London next year, and the conversation made clear that Howard assumed I’d want to go. In my mind I’d been assuming that I would not be going. I’d love to go. We could come up with the money somehow, but childcare is the issue. One a daily basis I don’t have to seek out babysitters anymore, but if I’m going to be gone for a week or more, I have to make sure that my kids are cared for. There are three events in 2014 that I would like to be able to attend, I’m not certain which of them I’ll be able to manage. I thought about that as I swung in the hammock. And while I was thinking about the professional things I’m giving up in service to my ongoing parenting project, I also spent some time thinking about what family things I would have to give up in order to attend all the professional events that interest me. I have to choose. I am fortunate to be able to choose between things I want instead of having only bad options.

Howard is at GenCon where he will work hard, be with friends, feel exhausted, laugh loud, and come home with stories. I am a little sad that I am not there. I’m a little sad that it makes sense for me to be the one to stay home. I feel cliche about that sometimes. In two weeks Howard will be at WorldCon. Again he will be surrounded by friends and I will be home making sure the kids settle in to their school routines. I will be participating in the booth running for Salt Lake City Comic Con, but the exact schedule and extent of my participation has yet to be determined. I’ll get at least a partial professional event this fall.

On the other hand, I’ll be spending this final week before school with my kids. We’ll get to go on a final outing (if Gleek gets over her sore throat and fever). I’ll be here to sit with Kiki in church on the last Sunday before she departs for college. I’ll get to organize and clean, prepping back packs and school schedules. I wouldn’t want to miss any of that. There are so few days left. Part of me wants to slow down and savor. A larger part wants to jump ahead because things are going to change and we might as well get the change made so we can settle in.

I thought about all of this as I swayed gently in the warm evening. Then I thought of nothing much at all, because today began with a half day of shipping, was followed up by last minute convention-preparation, and then a 90 minute drive to drop Howard at the airport. I was tired. I am tired. Bedtime needs to be early tonight and all the rest of the decisions and things to do can wait until a different day.

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Some Days Earn Grouchy

I was extremely grouchy this afternoon. It was the sort of grouchy that resents the adorable multi-generational family in Sam’s Club who are obviously having a pleasant evening, yet I resent them anyway because they are blocking the aisle with the cart and grandma’s wheelchair, particularly when I’m on my third pass along the aisle searching for an item that turns out not to be there. (Seriously Sam’s Club? You carry krill oil pills, but not chewable vitamin c tablets?) Then I’m grouchy all the way home because it is rush hour and I have to be on the freeway with all the other cars. Mostly though I was grouchy because the morning was so nicely efficient, then Gleek started being sick, then she spiked a fever, then two hours vanished without reducing my task list. Then we started to configure the new iPad 4G we bought to be our point of sale device, but it refused to connect to cell service because it claimed that it had been reported stolen. So then I had to call the seller and packages the thing back up and send it back. Odds are good that we’ll get a functioning iPad without too much trouble, but my brain spins alternate possibilities and even the best case scenario means I have fewer days to get comfortable with the point of sale system. Hence all the grouchy.

Tomorrow morning will be spent shipping packages. My house is jumbled up in preparation for this. By tomorrow afternoon the packages will be gone, Howard will be off to the airport, and hopefully I will have evicted the grouchy as well.

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Odds and Ends on a Sunday

The form of the conversation was Kiki telling me about her concerns related to intellectual property theft in relation to her artwork. The true content of the conversation was her feeling that the world is a big, scary place and she’s about to venture forth in it solo. Hugs and chocolate helped.

We all sat down at the dinner table together. We don’t have any regular patterns for when we’ll all sit down together, at least not lately. It is more likely to happen on Sunday afternoons, and definitely more likely during the school months than during the summer. We passed around food and I made announcements to the kids about the coming week so that they would know what to expect. Mostly that we’ll have influxes of people the first three days of the week and that the last two days we’ll flee the house and go on outings. There was some debate about where the outings should take us, but a compromise was reached. I think. Link did a really good non-responsive 15-year-old face. It is hard to get all four enthusiastic about the same trips in advance, but I’m pretty sure we’ll all find things to enjoy while we’re out.

I’d just finished showing Howard the packet of GenCon papers. These include this year’s sales tax license, proof of event insurance, hotel reservations, and an explanation of how he may need to go to the hotel of our booth help in order to make sure that the bill ends up on our credit card. Earlier we’d spent time going through iterations of convention flyers and packing his suitcase. I’d assembled a list of errands for me to run tomorrow to make sure that all the pieces are in place for GenCon. I sat in a chair in his office and he sat across from me painting.

“Know what is nice?” I said. “It’s nice that I know all the things to do in order to get this ready. I don’t have to feel panicked that I’m forgetting something.”

“What’s nice is that you’re amazing.” Howard replied, because the evening had demonstrated how many preparatory tasks I’ve managed and solved without him needing to think of them at all. Some days I get it right and can tell that I have. Tomorrow’s task list is full of things, as is Tuesday’s, but for once I feel competent to accomplish it all.

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Time’s Up

It feels like time’s up. The schools have begun calling and emailing me with announcements for the coming year. Howard’s departure for GenCon is mere days away. I still have things to do to prepare for the oncoming events. Summer feels over even though we’re still in the first half of August. I suppose that is the natural consequence of school starting on August 20, summer vacation ends a full month before summer weather does. There is no time left for me to take the kids on enriching outings. Or for me to do a better job of summer gardening. I must let those intentions go and move forward to supporting them in school and trying to do a better job of fall gardening.

Today I perused the calendar, very familiar activity.

Look at this week: almost gone.

Click: next week has postage printing, shipping, Howard leaving for GenCon, watching my sister’s kids for a day, and hopefully a last family outing with the kids.

Click: The week after is when the beginning of school unfolds over three days. Monday, Gleek’s orientation day. Tuesday, First day of school. Wednesday, I drive Kiki to college and leave her there. I assume that Thursday, Friday, and Saturday will be divided among reactions to the previous and preparations for Worldcon.

Click: The week of WorldCon. Quiet at home.

Click: Return from Worldcon followed immediately by Salt Lake City Comic Con.

Most of my calendar perusals have stopped there. Surely that is enough. I can’t be expected to think of anything beyond all of that. Yet today I clicked onward and the weeks that follow are …empty. No events, just regularly scheduled days all the way into October. I am not so foolish as to think that emptiness is actually empty. We will be busy, but for the moment the illusion of being less busy is nice.

I really thought my kids would have meltdowns before the beginning of school. I braced for it. Then I was the one who had a big emotional reaction to the beginning of August, because it feels like we’re running out of time on this summer.

Back in June when I looked ahead across the hot months, I pondered what I should do for my family during that time. What should we set our minds to accomplish? An answer came to me clearly: Rest. So we rested instead of pushing. The kids played nearly endless hours of their favorite video games. The ones who love to read, spent time with books. The ones for whom reading is a chore touched none. No math was practiced, no skills worked on. Howard and I focused mostly on the work that we had to do. It was nice to let some of the things go. I don’t regret it. I only have the vaguest sort of guilt that perhaps we should have done something else. Instead we rested. I can only hope that we rested enough, because whatever comes next is coming in about a week.

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Stress is not Logical

I woke up this morning stressed. I was stressed yesterday, but not at a drive-all-my-thoughts-and-actions level. Somehow the fact that it is Friday and I have almost run out of week tipped me over. There are all these things I need to do with various due dates.

Today

Contact the GenCon hotel and arrange for pre-payment

Count invoices and boxes to make sure we won’t run out of anything on Tuesday

Before Monday

Design flyers

Prepare house and yard for clan home evening (guests in the house)

Do all the laundry

Pack Howard for GenCon

By Tuesday

Set up the new 4G iPad, hopefully it’ll arrive in time to make the trip to GenCon. (Except I may need it here to set up Worldcon Point of sale system. Make a decision.)

Transfer my old iPhone to the Kidphone number (Maybe? think about it. It could be a credit card terminal at GenCon.)

Restock from the storage unit

Fill some wholesale orders of books

Ship the wholesale orders

Prepare the paperwork for GenCon (informational papers for on site folks)

Before WorldCon (Aug 27)

Sign up for the point of sale system

Buy peripherals for point of sale system (in time for them to be delivered and tested)

Set up point of sale system

Test point of sale system

Very important, Do as soon as possible so you don’t forget, no specific deadline looming

Weekly accounting

Finish setting up my phone (I need those contacts back)

Email people regarding the Jay Wake Book

Work layout for the Jay Wake Book

Call Adobe and shake a license number out of their customer support personnel because there is a snafu with Kiki’s product registration

In writing this post I am able to sort and categorize, but this morning all of those things were pounding in the front of my brain and jockeying for position. It seemed like I should start with the Must Be Done Today things, but my brain wouldn’t settle. So instead of trying to figure out what should come first, I asked myself which of these things was causing me the most stress. The answer was Accounting. We’ve spent a lot of money in the past few weeks between convention prep, a new HVAC system for the house, various medical expenses, and the college tuition/housing payment. My rough math told me we were covered, but my brain would not let it go. So I sat down and did the accounting. This is when I discovered that yes we are fine, BUT I really needed to make some payments to the credit cards today because while we have funds to cover things, both cards were nearing their limits and nothing would be likely to cause more stress in the next couple of weeks than the temporary inability to use a credit card. Logically accounting could wait until later, except for that one piece. Bills are paid, all is clear. And now I’m able to look at tasks by due date and proceed.

Interestingly Howard was feeling similar levels of stress this morning. It was also because a lower priority item was the one causing him the most stress. Brains are weird.

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Contemplating Shipping

We shipped out half of the Body Politic orders today. The process made me think about how our shipping events have changed over the years. We used to haul everything down to Dragon’s Keep and throw the doors wide for as many volunteers as wanted to come. Sometimes we had as many as 25 people working simultaneously. It was high intensity and the work got done fast. Sometimes in half a day. These days the shipping is spread out over several days. We run it from our home and usually only have four or five volunteers at a time. Some of those changes are driven by the changes in postal regulations and my postage printing software. All packages have dates on them and so we can’t print all the postage a week in advance the way that I used to do. Some of it is that I now have a group of volunteers who’ve been coming to help for years. I don’t have to explain very much any more. They know how this works and that makes a big difference. Shipping from home was not possible when the kids were younger because they would have been constantly distracting me. Now they help out too. I wonder what shipping will look like in another six years. All I can be certain of is that it will be different than it is now.

And that is about all the thinking I can manage on a shipping day. My brain is tired.

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