Sandra Tayler's Blog, page 28

Making Bargains with God

I bargain with God. I know I’m not really supposed to. I’m supposed to exercise great faith, put things into his hands, and follow the instructions I’m given through inspiration. I try to do that. Sometimes I succeed and for a while my life is far more peaceful even if the events and emotions are all about turmoil. But sometimes when I get an instruction, an auto-bargaining circuit kicks in. In essence I turn to God and say “Well if you want me to do that, then I need help with this.” Sometimes I get immediate help with this and the pathway is cleared for that. Other times my bargain only gains me a sense that God is amused when I bargain. He certainly doesn’t always join me in bargaining. In fact I suspect our bargains are rather like the bargains I used to make with my toddler kids where I conceded one small point that was no loss to me so that a far more important purpose could move forward. Yes honey you can bring the toy, its time to get in the car now.

A few months ago I got an unexpected, whip-fast response to a bargain. I had an essay book project in mind. I wanted to push it through in a hurry. So I shot a bargaining prayer heaven-ward. “If you want me to do this, you’re going to have to help me.” The response was clear. You know which book I want you to write. Encapsulated with those words were the knowledge that it was House in the Hollow, not an essay book and that if I continued to push on the essay book it would only be with my own strength. No assist. My strength is not strong enough to carry all the things in my life. I certainly don’t have enough force of will to push through and market an essay book by myself. All of my writing projects have felt important as I wrote them. I did the necessary work, knowing that the end result was something with a larger purpose. In some cases that larger purpose was to teach something to me. This is not the purpose I hope for when I write a book. I want it to go out into the world and touch other people. Yet in God’s eyes, me writing a book that changes me is every bit as valuable as me writing a book that changes someone else. It is hard for me to remember that and believe it. But the critical part is that I did not write alone. I was supported and led throughout each project. I can’t imagine trying to write a book without that.

So I know which book I’m supposed to be writing, yet somehow I’ve been dragging my feet on getting it done. I don’t know why. It probably has to do with fear of not being good enough or some other flavor of self doubt. Logically I know I just need to write the words and worry about making them be good words later. Yet I find a hundred other things to do. Many of them are important things which my family needs. Only I know it is not just the press of important tasks, because I’ve been filling spaces with things that are far less important than writing. On the days I do work on HitH, suddenly everything else goes much more smoothly. The contrast is stark. It is not that my other paths are being blocked, but this one path is definitely being made as attractive as possible. Which, of course, led me to using it as a bargaining tool. “Okay God. I’ll write on HitH first, but I need you to help me with the parenting stuff that has been driving me crazy.”

I haven’t gotten a clear answer on that one yet, but it feels like a worthwhile bargain to attempt for a time. Now I just need to stick to my part.

Comments are open on the original post at onecobble.com.

Shed Build Day 4, Grapes, and Letting a Project Rest

Last night Link and I were enthusiastic about getting back to the build site and finishing the shed. Unfortunately there were several things which made the experience less than ideal. First Link bought himself Super Smash Bros last night. When I went to bed the house was dark and I thought he’d already gone to sleep. Nope. He played that game all night. No sleep at all. He freely admits that this was not wise and it meant that instead of him being focused on the project, he was barely ambulatory. Then I got on a ladder and realized that while applying shingles is not difficult, I’m not able to climb on a roof to do them. I’m too scared and too aware of the terrible costs should I fall. So I could only do the lower half of the roof. Then of course we had the ongoing saga of air compressors which work fine at my house, but refuse to work properly at the work site. Four work days, two air compressors, each time they won’t function because the internal fuse keeps tripping. Next time I’m just bringing hammers.

So it was hot. Link was exhausted. Gleek really wanted to help, and would probably have climbed on the roof for me, but I’m not thrilled about handing her power tools. This meant we had the equivalent of 1.5 workers. I was focused, no one else was. So I sat with Link and we talked about what to do. I was concerned about volunteer fatigue, because some of Link’s friends have come to help five or six different times. I knew I was tired of endlessly organizing work days, surely they had to be tired of helping. Link decided that our fatigue and crankiness meant that we should let it go for the day. We’ll try to have one more work day next week.

At least it looks like a shed now.

Link fell asleep in the car on the way home. He tipped forward against the seat belt in the way that babies and toddlers do when they fall fast asleep in their car seats. At home, he stumbled into the house and has been asleep ever since. I sat for a time, listening to General Conference and pondering all the many things which I’ve sacrificed for building this shed. The hours of physical work haven’t been as much an issue as the stress which prevented me from contemplating other things. I’m not stressed about the shed anymore. I can see exactly how to get it done and it is close. So I was able to walk out to my grape vines and pick a load of grapes. As I plucked them from their vines and into the juicer, I listened to a talk on charity. I thought about the woman who lives next door to the shed we are building. She was out tending her yard this morning and we spoke briefly. In lovely, accented English, she told me that she’s glad for the work that is being done in the community garden. She smiled at me, her teeth brilliant against her dark face. She has loaned us electricity for our tools and been very kind. I thought of her as my hands were wet with grapes and my ears were full of scripture on giving to the poor.

This shed my son has undertaken to build is a gift, an act of charity. We’ve been so focused on the logistics, on the costs in time and money, on getting it done. The impetus of this project was my son’s goal to earn and eagle scout award from the Boy Scouts of America. Yet the value of the project is in the shed which will stand and be useful for people who need a place to store garden tools. This shed enriches a neighborhood that often struggles. I wish it were a better shed. I wish that our inexperience with building were not so very obvious. That is part of the frustration I feel with this project. I know it could be done better and more efficiently by someone else. Yet we are giving what we have, which is all anyone can do. Spiritually, it is all that we are asked to do.

The nice thing about my grape project is that within only a few hours, I had a result I could admire.

It is a lovely pink grape juice which comes from our super sweet Reliance variety grapes. We got them long ago from the owner of bunchgrapes.com. My next batch will be more grape juice color because I’ll use the Muscat and Swensen Red grapes. This evening I can sit and admire the pretty juice in jars and listen for that little pop which lets me know the lids have sealed. I have to remember that somewhere ahead of us is the day when Link and I will be able to stand and look at a completed shed. I hope in that moment we can be glad, not just to be done, but also for the work itself, for the opportunity we had to do this project.

Comments are open on the original post at onecobble.com.

Shed Build Day Part 2

We had a much smaller crew, only six people instead of twelve. In one way that was nicer, because it felt less chaotic. It also meant that less work got done. But we got the walls vertical.

That was quite tricky with only two of us to keep one wall steady while the other four attempted to maneuver the next wall. To add to the fun difficulty, the concrete pad has bolts sticking up, so we had to maneuver the walls with pre-drilled holes onto the bolts. Three hours of work to finish the walls and put them up.

The next thing is putting rafters on the roof, and I’m kind of dreading that part. We need at least six strong guys and four ladders, plus additional people to steady the ladders. We’re trying to put that circus together for Friday afternoon, which will be Shed Build Day part 3. Maybe it will go fast and we can start on the shingles too. That would be nice. Roof, shingles, trim, paint, done. I’m not getting my hopes up for done on Friday. I’ll be happy with a completed roof.

Between now and Friday I will remind myself that this project is not actually endless. It just feels that way. I will also attempt to make my brain stop thinking about all the ways that putting up the rafters could go wrong.

At least the sky put on a pretty show, which I was able to appreciate for long enough to take this picture.

Comments are open on the original post at onecobble.com.

Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is rough. It is tough on the kids who love each other, but who are struggling to differentiate themselves from another person whose life context and skills are roughly equivalent. Or whose skills are wildly different, but whose interest areas are very similar. None of them has yet acquired the life experience necessary to recognize that two people who are engaging in the same activity are not necessarily in competition with each other. Nor have they really internalized their own strengths. So Gleek cries when Patch bests her at a video game which she’s been playing for hours and he only picks up in five minutes. Patch watches Gleek excel at drawing and feels inadequate. Or he watches her excel at any number of things which come easily to Gleek. When they ache inside, they aren’t nice to each other. Then I ache inside because I have to watch them be mean to each other. Thus only increasing the amount of hurting going around.

The best I can do is to separate them and then listen. I don’t argue when they say things that would be hurtful if heard by the other. In a private space they can feel what they feel. After I’ve been listening long enough there comes a moment where I have the chance to place an idea or a morsel of compassion. I don’t get to lecture. I don’t get to fix it and make everyone feel better. I just get one moment to say “have you considered…” or “Did you know…” Usually I end with expressing that life is not fair. Because it isn’t. What comes easily to one person comes hard to another. In the end the one who puts in the practice is the one who will shine in the years to come. But that is hard to believe when you’re eleven and thirteen. It is also hard to believe that one person’s shining achievement does not reduce nor demean any achievements made by another person. I know adults who struggle with that. I still struggle with it some days.

The good news is that they love each other and they laugh together far more often than they argue.

Comments are open on the original post at onecobble.com.

Grape Arbor Update

Last May I built an arbor for my grape vines. It was a project I’d intended to do for a long time. You can see what the space looked like before I put up the arbor:

And how the arbor looked when finished:

Here is what the arbor looks like this morning:

Vines have covered it completely and trail off of it in all directions. You can see that the vines are funneling all their energy into making grapes and preparing for winter. The leaves have lost their new-leaf sheen. In only a few weeks the leaves will turn yellow and fall away. One of my tasks for this week is to collect grapes:

There are lots of them hiding in and among the vines. I’ve also got pears and walnuts that are ready to harvest. I guess I’m like the vines, storing up food for the months to come. But for a moment I can stand back and admire the arbor, which is finally what I pictured when I first planted vines seven years ago. Growing things takes patience. I need to remember that when I’m frustrated by parenting or writing.

Comments are open on the original post at onecobble.com.

Writing Retreat at Home

Two years ago this week I left my house and went to a writer’s retreat at Woodthrush Woods. That trip was both hard and wonderful as is chronicled by the blog posts I made during that week. I visited Woodthrush Woods again the following summer during the first Writing Excuses retreat. That time the trip was more wonderful than difficult, the hardest part being that my trip was more abbreviated than I would have liked.

I’m thinking about these retreat experiences because today is the beginning of the second Writing Excuses retreat at Woodthrush Woods. I will not be in attendance at all for an assortment of good reasons, none of which have anything to do with fear. Yet I find that a piece of my brain has traveled to Chattanooga with Howard. I’m thinking about the forest there. I’m finding that the feeling of being at a retreat is surrounding me even though I’m still at home. I’m going to roll with that feeling. This coming week looks to be a much calmer week than those which have come before. I’m going to take that calm and make a stay-at-home retreat out of it. I’ll do things that evoke memories of my retreat experiences. I’ll go for walks, light candles, cook food for fun, and take some pictures. Mostly I’ll put writing into the middle of each day rather than focusing on all of the other things first.

I don’t know how successful I’m going to be at this. It is hard to shift patterns and thoughts when I’m surrounded by all the trappings of normal life. Yet I’m helped by the photos and tweets I see from people I know who are there at Woodthrush. Those words and images evoke the retreats for me. I just need to capture that feeling and nurture it, even when my morning is spent prodding groggy kids out of bed and sending them off to school.

In the spirit of a writing retreat, I just went walking in my back garden. I took my camera and paid attention to the beautiful things that I saw. The space is much smaller than the woods around Woodthrush, but my garden does not lack for small beautiful things, or at least small interesting things.

Here is the sun rising over the mountains as viewed through the branches of trees in my back garden.

While walking the woods I took many pictures of the trunks of trees, often with vines or moss. I’ve watched the threes in my garden grow from saplings to adult. It is fascinating to me the way that the skin of a young tree starts to break up and become tree bark.

And then there is the long time resident of our garden, Winston.



Seeing him makes me happy, though of late I’ve looked past him more than I’ve looked at him.

My world is beautiful. I must walk in it more often.

Comments are open on the original post at onecobble.com.

Things My Son’s Eagle Project is Teaching Me

I’m a bit project obsessive. This is a huge asset to me when I am fully in charge of a project. It means that I keep coming back to projects as soon as I am rested enough to think about them again. When I’m only sort-of in charge of a project, either I’m driven crazy by the schedules of others, or they’re driven crazy because I keep coming at them and saying “What about this? Do you think this would work? I’ve thought of a solution for that, let’s go take care of it now.”

Learning experiences work best when there is no deadline, unless one of the things-to-learn is how to work to a deadline. In that case, the deadline is best if it applies only to the learner and not to the helper/teacher. Or else the helper/teacher tends to over-help in order to make sure the deadline is met.

Eagle projects always have external deadlines because it has to be in service of some other organization. That organization can’t wait around forever while the scout figures things out slowly. As a parent, I feel that obligation and it weighs on me.

Eagle projects take longer than you think they will take, because an inexperienced person is supposed to be in charge. I have to let it take however long it takes, no matter how frustrated I am at having the project continue to reside in my brain. Stress is created because of the gap between the speed the scout figures things out and the deadline hopes of the other organization.

I am good at figuring out where a project will have a problem far before that problem becomes apparent to others and before it impacts the project. I am not good at waiting for others to discover and solve the problem. Instead my brain rushes ahead and figures out solutions. Once I have figured out a solution to a problem, I am not good at keeping my mouth shut so that others can find their own solutions. Instead I end up pointing out problems and sharing my solutions one right after the other. Then I remember we’re supposed to be having a learning experience and I realize that I’ve over-helped and I feel bad about it. Repeat many times. If I’m fully not-in-charge then I can go into a minion mode where this does not happen and I can just wait for instructions.

When rain starts to fall and it becomes obvious that we need to call off work for the day, I will be the last one to admit that it is time to quit. I’d rather work in cold, miserable, wet than have to arrange for tools and people to arrive again on another day. This is particularly true when some of the tools are rented. Even more particularly when those rentals were donated by the rental place and we’ll have to go to them again to ask for a second donation of tool time. This is when my son stands up to me and re-iterates that conditions are miserable and unsafe. No we can’t just keep working until the walls are vertical, we must throw tarps over everything and call it quits for the day. I did not give in gracefully.

It is important to admit to my child that he was right and I was wrong when that is the case. I did so as soon as I was calm enough to be able to see it.

Dry clothes, food, and a nap are helpful to restore perspective. Of course my brain spent some of my half-awake time picturing how the walls of the shed go together and picturing how we need to measure the top boards and make marks for the rafters. We really should do that before we make the walls vertical so that we don’t have to stand on ladders while measuring. We really do need a working nail gun. The one we had today was being problematic, which was probably because I was distracted and never checked the pressure setting on that air compressor. I was aware that they were trying to troubleshoot it, but was distracted by other work and now I don’t have sufficient information to try to solve the problem, but my brain keeps chewing on it anyway because we have to have a nail gun. …and my brain runs onward from there, which points up what I said up there in the first paragraph about being project obsessive.

I do better at letting other people encounter project problems and learn from them when I clearly define the limits of my role. For example: I will remind once and no more. If I don’t have a clearly defined limit, I will accidentally take over and my take over can last quite a while before I remember I’m only supposed to be helping.

I have a hard time staying within my self-defined limits. This is one of the reasons that my kids always make leaps forward in self-reliance and adult behavior when I go away on a trip. I’ve removed myself so that they really have to learn things and I won’t fall in to my plethora of management habits which incidentally make their lives easier and remove responsibility from their shoulders.

These tendencies of mine which have manifested in this project also show up in every day. I over manage school work, house work, etc. Seeing that makes me feel like a failure. Can being too competent and prepared be a failing? It sure feels like one sometimes. Particularly when I’m bothering others with reminders they’d rather not have. Even more so when I spend piles of energy preparing for an eventuality that never arrives. Definitely when my project brain pops me awake at 2am and I spend an hour pacing with anxiety that the project will not come together. Then I’m unable to sleep again until I’ve made lists and plans. Then the lists and plans are done and my son does not get to learn from thinking things through and making them. My anxiety drove me there first. It definitely feels like a failing during those moments when my son says “Mom, I’m supposed to be in charge.” and I know that he is right. So I apologize for taking over. Again.

I’ve heard the jokes so often, about how there should be an award for parents who have survived a son’s eagle project. I’ve also heard the jokes about how it is really the moms who earn the eagle award. I didn’t want to be that mom, the one who drives her son to the completion of an eagle project. Link could have begun his a year and half ago, but I waited until getting it was important to him. I certainly have no emotional need for him to earn this award. But earning this matters to Link. A lot. I see him persevering, stepping up, and trying to take ownership of this overwhelming endeavor. He’s doing so with only a minimal understanding of construction and an active fear of power tools. He’s organizing groups of people and trying to be in charge when he routinely avoids talking in front of groups in every other social situation in his life. Link wants this project enough that he’s stretching his own capabilities. I can’t help feeling that he would stretch even more if I could stop trying to push him into my schedules and my solutions. I wish he could learn more about other things and less about how to deal with Mom when she’s project stressed.

Link and I are both learning from this, but I really wanted today to be the point where we could be done organizing big groups of people and objects. Instead we’ll be building again on Wednesday. I don’t know that we’ll have time to finish with only a few hours to work. So there will probably be yet another day scheduled after that. Most people have told me that the paperwork on an eagle project is almost harder than doing the project. Right now, doing paperwork sounds heavenly in comparison. Especially since I don’t think it will trigger my project brain at all. Instead I’ll be able to step fully into a helper/teacher role and let Link do it all by himself. Which is how this whole thing should be.

Comments are open on the original post at onecobble.com.

Shed Rafters

Assembly began today. This is the first time that the shed project has resembled anything other than a binder full of lists and a pile of lumber taking up my garage. They went together fairly quickly, which is encouraging. Hopefully the rest of the shed will go together just as quickly. Tomorrow we haul things to the build site. Saturday it becomes a shed for real.

Comments are open on the original post at onecobble.com.

Longing for Calmness

In a few days Howard will depart for the Writing Excuses retreat in Chattanooga Tennessee. I am not going this year. This is a fact that I would have expected to make me feel sad, but right now I’m in the part of the school year where I want everything to hold still and fall into a recognizable pattern for two weeks in a row. We do have the school start and end times as a pattern, but so many other things are in flux. We had Salt Lake Comic Con. Then we had sickness, which led to school absences, which led to make up work. We had the elementary orchestra start up and first it was on Wednesday morning, but then it moved to Friday morning, and there was a mandatory meeting which was only attended by about one fourth of the parents with kids in orchestra. Then it was mid-terms with accompanying parent teacher conferences. And of course there is the eagle project which was mixed in with everything else. So right now I’m very glad that I will spend next week at home instead of adding further disruption.

My tune will likely change when I see tweets and pictures from the retreat. It is in a place I love with people I love to be around. I’ve been seriously short on socializing with friends and so I’ll be sad to miss that part. I know I will because of late I’ve felt quite covetous of social media posts depicting gatherings of writers. I’ll get another turn to go to this sort of event. In the meantime, I’ll hope that next week is unremarkable and calm.

Comments are open on the original post at onecobble.com.

Eagle Project Week

I didn’t want to learn how to construct a garden shed. Yet that is the project for this week. It is Link’s eagle scout project. In the early stages I hoped that some construction-experienced scout leader would take him in tow and help him wrap his head around the project. Instead Link and I have had to feel our way through and figure it out step-by-step. We’ve now reached the stage where all the lumber is sitting in my garage. Tomorrow we’ll be sorting, measuring, and cutting. I expect to hit many snags and frustrations as we prep for the build day on Saturday. As we do, Link and I will figure them out. It is going to be a long week for both of us, but it will be a huge learning experience for Link and that is the point.

One thing I’ve observed is the value of the name recognition for BSA Eagle Project. Every time we had a question or request, those words elicited all sorts of friendly and willing help. This is true from people who happily donated funds to folks who stopped in the parking lot of Home Depot to help load up a pile of lumber and supplies. When we added the name Habitat for Humanity, then hardware stores gave all sorts of donations of materials and discounts. Everyone has been helpful. The project is still big, overwhelming, and expensive. Yet soon it will be done. Link and I are both looking forward to that. Then we can pick up and do all the things which have been put on hold because the project was fully occupying our brains and our hours.

Yet I watch Link as people tell him what a cool project he is doing. The approval makes him stand taller. Link doesn’t like talking to people in stores, but he does it for this project. I watch the respect and kindness that gets aimed his direction. Then I think I begin to understand why an eagle project is worth all the work and the paperwork. I’m not sure I got it before.

Comments are open on the original post at onecobble.com.