Javier Llerena's Blog, page 2

Meltdowns Are Inevitable

Instead of pretending that #pandemiclife is anything else but a hot mess, I’m opening to crushing the facade of pretense, assumption, and appearances. This is most certainly true in the realm of social justice. Authority, institutions, statues, and history (the stories we learn and tell ourselves) are being questioned and challenged– and becoming more transparent and real. The ugliness, the betrayal is coming to the surface. And, it belongs to all of us.

I’m not sure why or how I got the idea to wean myself off of anti-depressants NOW while giving sobriety a quarantine whirl. If that’s not a double dose of reality, I don’t’ know what is. But I’m doing it. Moment by moment.

My husband and I were on a quick grocery run and he said, “We just need to go easier on ourselves and not be so stressed.” (This was at the end of a tough marriage day.) And, I retorted, “Well, we’re not drinking alcohol so that’s a big factor.” 

No numbing out here. It’s 5 pm never. 

Doing the math, I have one meltdown (minimally) per week. When I think God has gone on vacation and no one is reading my prayer memos for weeks. 

Despair, impatience, frustration, exasperation resurface. It’s a messy process and humbling. I feel helpless. Emotion builds up past my personal threshold and I end up floored, frustrated, and on my knees in the closet. 

You can call it perimenopause, depression, anxiety. I call it #mypandemiclife. 

Sometimes I wish I’d retreat faster. That I’d go to God sooner rather than later–when I’m flattened and a mascara mess of tears and wave a white flag of surrender. Why do I forget–again and again–that this is bigger than me? 

Maybe it’s hubris, sin, or just my own stubbornness. I’m learning the hard way these days. Meltdowns are inevitable when massive amounts of cosmic, social, and personal change abound in the world. We are forced to cope with circumstances outside of ourselves.

We don’t’ have any more “for certain.” Our health and security and livelihoods all waver out of bounds. We cannot assume that traditions will be in place or our routines will be restored. 

I’m reframing my mental health and spiritual mindset to allow for more mishaps, crises, and catastrophes. I’m getting more okay with my life falling apart because there is growth on the other side. There is no other option but to keep going, feel all of it and get up again.

I’d rather surrender so I can find more peace of mind. That is my prayer to let go of what I thought happiness was. So I can usher in a new kind of happy and open up to what will be. 

If you want more on self-discovery and spiritual personal growth, check out our book,”Boundless Love: Healing Your Marriage Before It Begins” at https://tinyurl.com/yctm2olz

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How to Not Get Divorced during a Quarantine

One of the biggest challenges of surviving COVID-19 is enduring the continual stress of lockdown measures as well as the considerable increase of time and proximity with loved ones. And, yes, that includes one’s spouse! (Let alone, one’s kids.)

As many of us may have previously thought that it was great to have more time with our significant other, the context of that time and situation can make all the difference. Did you know that many people are at their max of “quarantine aka lockdown fatigue?” It’s an inevitable stress reaction of having your social life and work routine let alone financial resources be in flux and limitation for so long.

So how do you NOT get divorced after all this?!  How do you not lose it with your kids over remote learning homework on a weekly if not daily basis? How do you battled boredom, maintain personal hygiene, and not get a big bad attitude at some point in the day? 

The only way through anything is to face it and to not go in alone. Armor up with your faith. When you approach this open time as an opportunity to go inward and spiritually surrender to the Creator,  you become willing to not take responsibility for other people’s feelings or experiences. This is a key lesson in a healthy marriage and family life. 

Meditate, pray, eat well, take walks alone, and with others. Read, garden, hike, sing–do things that you can find time for now that you didn’t before. Create openings in your day to take frequent breaks so you and walk away from the technology trance and be fully present in your body and home. 

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Welcome to a Spiritual Quarantine

“Quarantine” commonly defined as “a state, period, or place of isolation in which people or animals that have been exposed to an infectious or contagious disease are placed” is our new normal this Spring 2020. As a friend put it, “I wasn’t expecting to give up this much for Lent.” None of us were.

Withdrawal from routines and severing our public selves feels like a mixture of drastic, unfair, and extreme. As we adjust and take on a new way of life, we rollercoaster through many emotions and ultimately, we are asked to surrender. 

CoVid-19’s life and death consequences upend fear, panic, desperation, anguish and swift loss. Many of our spirits are crushed and feeling broken. There is little time to say good-bye or comfort one another. Survival kicks in. This is foreign ground–no winning, no gaining or being victorious here.We are all leveled by the seriousness of the matter.

Looking around, people rise as heroes donating, giving and rescuing one another. As we “shelter in place,” we face an opportunity to reflect and assess where we stand in our lives. Living in the gap of what was and what is now.  Nothing will be the same again. That much is for sure. Silence lingers and invites us to reconcile the past. Will we go there? Will we dare?

I often reflect about what is eventually coming–when this introspective season ends. When the noise dulls down, the pollution clears, the weather begins to warm, who will I be? Will I purify my pain and let go of what I know or what I expect to be? God’s will is my only comfort now. There is no timeline in a pandemic.

Will you be the same when the lights come back on in our public lives? Will you remember these dark days of silence, solitude and boredom with the mix of laughter, renewal and renovation? Will you spiritually quarantine so that you transform into something bigger than you were before?

That is my prayer for myself and the world. That we receive this shut down to draw in and hold onto our faith and soul’s purpose. That we recognize that we are not defined by our jobs, our bank accounts or even our past. We are defined by our humanity to one another–that is all.

So I invite your spiritually quarantine. Protect your heart and heal yourself. Hang back and hold onto what matters most. Savor the precious souls with whom you share your life and remember mortality has our number. It’s just a matter of God’s timeline.

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2020: Getting Off to a Rough Start

I don’t know about you, but I usually get excited about the New Year. It’s invigorating to reflect on the past and envision the future. Taking stock leads me to feel hopeful and pumped for possibilities and enthusiastic for change. Let’s DO this, 2020! 

Then life happens. This year, a reality check arrived immediately. After Christmas, we went on vacation and during our road trip, a freeway closed so a 7 hour ride turned into a 13 hour trek. Upon arrival, our youngest daughter became extremely sick so we had to navigate health care insurance to get her seen and treated for severe asthma that she hasn’t had in years. This included many wheezing for breath moments and hours of waiting in the doctor’s office and pharmacy for the upgraded medications.

A few days later, our older daughter became sick too. After one week of caregiving, we ended up getting home with both girls still recovering. A few days later, my husband and I both got sick–twice. We are still battling our second round. He finished antibiotics and I’m on my course. In fact, I had a relapse the evening of my 48th birthday and was in bed with a 104 degree fever–something that has not happened in years. 

All this to say, our vision of what will happen in the future is often very different than what actually happens. Our goals suddenly seem lofty or definitely not a priority when getting through the day is the biggest win. 

Having kids has been a continual process of “resetting expectations” for me and my marriage. Javier and I have big plans and big ideas and then our lives as parents often get in the way. That’s not true–we love our family–but we often underestimate the challenges that life bring our way when you take on responsibility for two other human beings.

This also has become a test of faith. Lifting up all those messy moments of “Well, that didn’t go very well!” to “I give this to you, Lord.” My husband says that I’m the most stubborn person he knows and I don’t doubt him so this is an extremely, tall order for me. But, when life happens and runs counter to my will, I’m forced to let Him steer because I truly have no clue what is going on. 

So that’s my 2020 so far! I try to “keep it real” in my life, tell the truth and see things clearly–for what. I cannot hide my disappointment that our road trip was a nightmare, our vacation was hijacked by illness and my birthday was quickly forgotten in feverish paralysis. But the good still outweighs the bad. 

We learned that taking frequent stops on the road is more fun. That sometimes illness brings forced down time and vacation is an opportunity to let go and heal. And, birthdays are to be celebrated but what’s most important is being together as a family and loving one another every day–thankful to be alive. 

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Know When Your Cup is Half Empty

One of the biggest puzzle pieces of marriage is finding a balance between taking care of oneself and one’s partner let alone children. Throwing parenting on top of that, you more than triple the challenge! WHY is it so easy to lose sight of one’s needs when caring to your family? Why do I keep stumbling against this again and again?

My biggest lesson in 2019 is that do less to do more. Talking to a dear friend this morning, she shared that her daughter has always been an epic giver to others. Even from the age of nine years old, she would wander around the neighborhood and ask adults for help. She even dusted one lady’s living room and baked cookies with a recent widow! 

Later in life, her daughter struggles so much with self-care that she often gives her closest family members the worst of herself (especially during the holidays) because she is so busy giving the best of herself to others. She is the best employee, best girlfriend, best companion, but often does not even see her family members until she is completely zapped, deflated and depleted.

I personally can beyond relate to this powerful example. Being a born giver myself, I struggle to let my kids make their own lunches (because they are not as healthy), clean up the kitchen themselves (leftover food on plates is just not clean) and make their beds (because nothing is tucked in!) My husband shakes his head while I run around micromanaging their domestic mistakes while I literally collapse from unnecessary supervision. 

My intention and prayer for 2020 are to let go and let God. Translation: not hyper-manage my kids to the point that I neglect myself AND my husband. I need to work out to be healthy–mind, heart, and body. I need to pray in the morning to seal a spiritual deal for the day. I need to listen to my husband when he’s speaking, not finish his sentences and take more bubble baths to be a compassionate human being. If not, it gets ugly and dramatic and my days become unnecessarily stressful. 

So take a look at who do you give to. Who gives to you? Do you have a balance in your exchange of energy? Are you getting or just giving? It does matter. And, are you getting filled up enough to love on the people who matter the most in your life? 

My girls don’t need a domestic boss; they need a guide, a mentor, a role model and a parent. My husband doesn’t need me depleted, distracted or exhausted. He needs a partner who is available, attentive and affectionate. My goal for 2020 is to be more of a BFF to myself so that I can give more efficiently and effectively to others. Try it!

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Embracing Spiritual Singledom and Trusting God’s Plan

My single years were spent fighting my table for one status. Instead of embracing the opportunity to cultivate an appreciation for my own company and seeing God’s timing as all knowing, I fixated on what I did not have at the time–a spiritual partner to share my life.

I cried. I pouted. I pitched a fit.

So many of us fall into deprivation thinking and feel stuck in a dead end pattern. It’s part of human nature, the mind game of comparative thinking, the glass is half empty syndrome and the attitude of I want what I don’t have. It is the devil’s temptation to trick us into thinking that we know better than God and our time line is the only one that matters.

It took me years, I mean YEARS, of mismatched, awkward and inappropriate relationships with men to wake up, smell the cafecito and recognize that something bigger was at work and at stake. That something that was at stake was my soul and, ultimately, my heart for God. What was at work was God’s grace. Through prayer and worship and the passage of T I M E, I was basically forced to surrender my will to Him. I eventually “got” that I didn’t have a clue what or who was right for me. 

With a white flag raised, I fell on my knees in tears exhausted by all my efforts to be better, to ‘fix” myself and to “find” my perfect partner. I had nothing more to offer. I was exhausted, depleted and done. There was nothing I could DO to make this any better. I had to stop acting, stop doing, listen and trust. 

Surrender is no easy task, no matter if you are giving up the need to be right or letting go of how things “should” be, look, etc. I continually struggle every day with releasing the need to manage other driver’s behavior in rush hour and trusting that when I’m ready, the perfect job opportunity will appear. 

There can be a collective cultural amnesia (especially in the United States) that free will is paramount. If we try hard enough, we will get our success the way we want it, when we want it. But, there is, fortunately, more mystery in life. 

God is always ready for our transformation and growth, The minute we show up in surrender, his grace sweeps in and paves the way . But, until we get to that sweet pain point, our suffering is for naught. 

Accepting my spiritual singledom as God’s gift was the biggest step of spiritual surrender in my life at the time.  It led me to humility and release. It showed me that every stage in life is a gift and it’s our spiritual work to take it in, be open and let it change us for good. 

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Praying in Public

One of the biggest gifts I received from my marriage was the courage to pray in public. I was a bit of a late bloomer when it came to unabashedly declaring my faith in front of strangers. Perhaps, this was my internalized sense of shame of having an ambivalent relationship with God in the past or just my own “ emotional baggage.” Either way, I often refrained even though I was thanking God privately.

When I reflect on my spiritual journey, there have been a lot of unexpected twists and I never envisioned publishing a faith-based marriage book let alone co-founding a nonprofit ministry with my husband. Everyone says, that you don’t choose your calling–it chooses you. That has truly been my experience. Events lined up, doors opened and ideas blossomed and God led us gently, carefully together as a couple and to our work together.

This is a way to think about the true blessing of meeting your spouse in your life journey. It was not an accident; it was part of God’s great plan for you, your spiritual growth and your spiritual mission in life. I am very humbled by the person that marriage has made me and how my relationship with my husband has been the perfect complement and challenge to my weakest and strongest areas. In other words, God made him for me and me for him.

Learning this truth and letting it sink into my heart has opened up my need to acknowledge God in every area of my life. Remembering the sacred gift of my spouse has made me more grateful, kind, patient and indeed, bolder in my worship and prayer–in private and in public. I became braver about praying in public when I began praying regularly with my husband before meals, at church, and at our children’s school. That increased practice gave me the confidence to then step out on my own.

I always admired colleagues who prayed at work among others or before meals quietly. Slowly, I found my way to pray–at first in the car before I went into the office. Now, I pray before meals wherever I am and often when as I leave work. I feel like I can own my faith and not have it be about anyone else but my relationship with God. It is my right and thankfully, my freedom to express my reverence and I feel able to do it respectfully and with dignity. 

I always say that my husband is my hero for many reasons–he is a self-proclaimed  “Jesus Freak” and doesn’t hesitate or wait for anyone’s approval about his faith. May I not have his same personal style, I have learned in marriage to cultivate my own expression of my faith while learning from my spouse and navigating marriage together. 

I invite you and encourage you to look at how and if you pray in public. Why or why not? Where is your comfort zone with your gratitude and reverence for the Lord, your marriage and the blessings of your life? I certainly ask myself these questions and come up short but I trust in God’s perfection. I know that my marriage brings me closer to my faith when I ask them. That’s His plan for all of us. 

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The Truth About Pornography

If you decided to read this, good for you! Most people either shy away or shrug off the topic of pornography as something evil “out there” or “out of our control.” But, that is how the devil is in the details–and wins this very personal battle with our heart and our mind. We surely have control over if we consume it and how we talk about it in our relationships. 

What images you take into your consciousness (whether you like them or not) affect your attitude, your expectations, and your beliefs (whether you like them or not.) So if you see a lot of negative news articles in the morning–this most certainly can affect your outlook on the state of the world and your mood for the day. It seems simple, right? 

Well, it’s insidious and so is pornography. Not because it’s offensive in its often abusive portrayal of sex and sexuality, misuse of power and often violent images, but pornography reinforces lies that we are all susceptible to believing. We are all vulnerable to the belief that we don’t deserve to be treated with respect. We all fear not being loved and being used. 

The truth is that pornography is mentally and physically stimulating and an unhealthy outlet for a couple’s intimacy. While watching pornography, sex is distanced and experienced outside of one’s intimate relationships. It’s out of the context of trust, love, and intimacy. The act goes beyond physical pleasure–it gets into the minds of the user and plants seeds of dependency and even addiction. The visual stimulation is intoxicating and people easily lose themselves and their beliefs.

Pornography is not reality–it’s based on a fantasy that is far-fetched and unrealistic. It involves an industry that objectifies women and children and idolizes men as dominant, demanding and unfeeling. It reinforces very limiting beliefs about sexuality and inequality. 

When a spouse turns to online pornography in secret, this is sexual infidelity and can further isolate him from his spouse. It can exacerbate feelings of loneliness, depression and reinforce sexual satisfaction in the wrong ways. It’s okay to feel disillusioned with one’s sex life, but that needs to be discussed inside the relationship before going outside the relationship to fulfill it. 

We know that pornography can carry a stigma or many will feel its “no big deal” but it’s real and its use is affecting marriages. Talk to your spouse about it and recognized your past or present relationship with pornography. Through these conversations, we get closer to one another and find comfort in sharing ourselves and not avoiding our emotional and sexual needs. 

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Dating: Old School

One of the best pieces of dating advice I ever
heard my husband give was to a group of young men at church. He used to teach
youth ministry and like many teenagers, they were secretly and even openly
curious about girls, dating, sex, and intimacy. Their questions were vague and
they just really wanted to see how to go about this whole “dating thing.” You
know–get some tips.

Javier relished the opportunity. In fact, he
seized the moment and made them wait for a second. Making eye contact with all
of them, he said straight up: “Be a man and don’t fall for the easy stuff.
Don’t use technology–a dating app, send a text, or even have your friend ask a
girl out for you. Do the work, yourself.”

He continued to explain that dating is an
opportunity to act like a gentleman. That may be unpopular, foreign and
certainly awkward at first, but it’s the undeniable right thing to do. So face
the fire squarely on, and ask a lady for a date to her face.

They were quiet at first and then busted out
laughing. In fact, they thought this was outrageous and hysterical. (I have
even repeated this story to my college students and the guys laugh
wholeheartedly at my husband’s direct, no-nonsense approach to finding love.)
One of the young men said, “So, you mean, we should be ‘old school.’”

How can this be so unique to many people
today? How can asking someone out on a date seem “outdated” or “old school?”
There must be a reason…

One of our biggest fears is experience
rejection–especially by someone we like, respect and if we are attracted to
them–that definitely stings more. Unfortunately, it is very easy and
convenient to sidestep, avoid or simply “cop-out” (my husband used harsher
words at the time) on this option and be sucker-punched by our own fears.

It is tempting to cut corners and skip “the
work” of putting yourself out there to other human beings–bare your heart, be
real, authentic and yourself. Yet, this is what we are called to do as
Christians. To love abundantly and unconditionally–we need to force ourselves out
of comfort zones and look our fears and in this case, our potential date, in
the eyes with a gentle gaze.

Men of Christ know this. They are willing to
stand up, stand out and vanquish what might be deemed as currently “cool” to
act upon courtesy, consideration, and chivalry. They know it is their challenge
and an integral part of their manhood and their spirituality to put themselves
“out there’ before a woman to be accepted and, yes, possibly, rejected.

But, that’s part of living an authentic life and
following your faith. You take risks for your faith, you follow challenging
daily Christians that ask you to step into the person God knows you can be.

So to be truly dating, you have to earn the
right to go out with someone. You have to clean yourself up, own your true self
and ask God for guidance. It’s not easy, but putting yourself out there does
get easier if you continue to do. You need to go “old school” and ask a young
lady out to simply get to know her and hear her thoughts on life. That’s just
the beginning but how a relationship starts really does matter.

Christina Llerena

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God Is Your Primary Relationship

You might ask, “What about your relationship with God has to do with the pre-marriage stages of my life. What does God have to do with all this?” Everything! The more you enhance your relationship with Him, the more you can feel the love that He has for you. God will make the most beautiful moments in your courtship even more radiant. And He will transform the darkest moments into times hope and support. He will shine that light wherever you go and pick you up when you fall. As we all enter the preparation for marriage, there are always peaks and valleys. There is the great excitement of courtship, meeting the parents of the bride and/or groom, and planning the wedding day. Our childhood wounds, values, beliefs, and family-of-origin themes will all show up with intensity. If you have the Boss on your side, things will run much smoother. You trust the process; you know that something greater is at work. God gives you freedom, peace, and love.

Javier Llerena

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