Lydia Prime's Blog, page 2
June 24, 2021
Faulty Advice Friday | TuhTewzz
Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday!
The place to F I N A L L Y get your toughest questions answered.
Lydia,
I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo, but I’m not thrilled by pain. Or blood. How do I make sure I follow thru?
TuhTewzz
TuhTewzz, your name immediately causes me to wonder what knowledge you possess of The Equestranauts… but we’ll let it slide…. For now…. 
You’re not good with pain or blood? I assume that means only your blood… If that’s the case, it would make sense to see if you and your artist could complete some sort of blood sacrifice (pro tip: in a pinch, just grab some random off the street. Usually an offer of puppies and candy helps!) before starting. Sanitation issues might be cause for pause here bud, but at least if it was just your blood that you had trouble with, well, it would be hard to know what’s what after all that, eh? Modern Solutions. This feels sort of like I just told you to Pimp Your FearTM… Side thought: wouldn’t that be a pretty sick idea to revamp another throw back, can someone call Xzibit? MTV? *Insert me laughing at my screen thinking about him saying ‘Yo dawg, we heard you hate blood, so we put blood in your blood!’* (Please don’t sue me.)
Pain isn’tas complicated to get through though. There’s a surprising variety of concoctions available to keep those intensity levels at bay, although they typically come along with years of substance abuse trouble and sometimes a new twitchy movement you don’t know you’re doing… I guess, you also want to make sure you’re prepared for that. Of course, you can always decide to take a look at a body chart for the least painful places and just have some advil on hand eh? It’s using teeny tiny baby shark teeth to color in your body, not a firing squad. Suck it up buttercup.
If you still find yourself desperate for a tattoo but couldn’t possibly see success in conquering the above mentioned problemos, there’s always your local street fair and/or jail.
Hang on, hang on. Just hear me out wouldja? Start out by planning what crime you’ll commit. You’re just trying to get picked up, locked up, and inked up—that means, no 25 to life kinda bids. How’s about you just, I don’t know, take a few hostages at a bank or something low key like that? Seems like a solid way to land yourself in the slammer. (See previous FAF on how to do that amazingly, here)
Once you’ve done whatever deed you choose, you should have landed a snazzy pair of metal bracelets. If not, repeat until you’ve made it so.
Commissary is a wonderful thing in the joint. Hoard some chili, shebangs, and a whole buncha tuna so you can get ready to trade. I mean shiiiiiiit, maybe you’ll actually get lucky and have some kinda psycho Picasso to share a cell with.
I absolutely understand that jail’s not always for everyone, so don’t worry. Not everyone can be the mitochondria. Most people can almost always commit when they’ve decided the street fair is where their people are. There will be a line of children waiting to befuddle a very exhausted and over worked adult. Once youve waited your turn and you’re sitting in the chair, you’re going to need to brace yourself… You see, those stick on/water/temporary ones don’t hurt but sometimes the waters like suuuuper cold. Brrrr! 
No matter what you decide, make sure you pick something you like. Doesn’t matter what Bubba in Unit N6 thinks!
Stay safe TuhTewzz, and maybe this weekend should be one for discoveries! I vote for blood sacrifice Sundays! Wait… Is it too late for me to keep that? 
All the luck in the world, and please send pics if you do get one 
Stay spooky!
March 24, 2021
Monster Mashed
My piece, Monster Mashed, went live today on #PenoftheDamned! Check it out if you have a moment, it’s simply delicious.
“Grandpa! Grandpaaaa!” Ellie screeched as she ran into the room, dragging half a doll behind her. She slammed her body against Christoff’s shin, gripping him tightly.
“Ellie, honey, we talked about this.” He patted her head, smiling.
“Sorry,” she whimpered, “Ancil broke my baby!” On cue, the little boy trotted in triumphantly, holding the other half of her doll in his mouth. Stuffing sprinkled onto the floor like bread crumbs.
“Ancil, come.” Christoff tried poorly to hide his bemused smirk.
“It’s not funny Grandpa!” She wailed before bursting into tears. Ancil stood behind Christoff, taunting his sister with the mutilated doll. Christoff grabbed each half, muttered under his breath and handed the restored ‘baby’ to Ellie. “Thank you,” she beamed, while Ancil shook his head.
“Shall we watch our show?” He asked. Both children lit up and scrambled to get their pillows before plopping in front of the TV. Christoff…
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March 1, 2021
The One That Got Away Anthology V3 | Janine Pipe @Disneynine @KandishaPress
A magical time of year is upon us: #WomeninHorrorMonth!
I wanted to use each day to celebrate the amazing lady authors in the latest Kandisha Press Women of Horror Anthology. The One That Got Away is the third in the series, and it’s filled to the brim with horrific nightmares that’ll keep you guessing. Let’s take a look eh?
Should Have Gone to Vegas by Janine Pipe is the first up!
“That’s it?” Adam looked over at Jack, thinking if it wasn’t for the fact his buddy was carrying most of the beers, he would have shot him with the rifle instead of some coyote.
Janine Pipe
Janine Pipe sets the scene with a bit of a boys’ trip. Two best friends set out for their regularly planned outing of relaxation, but this time, it’s in the great out doors. Unfortunately, one of the guys simply isn’t interested in camping without the glam. Through the complaining they still seem to manage to have a nice time, that is, until tragedy strikes.
Something horrifying (and I’m not even sure that word does it justice!) is out there with them.
Check out Janine’s story in The One That Got Away: Women in Horror Anthology Volume 3 and find out what’s in store for the bro’s, and if there’s any chance for a reprieve!
January 31, 2021
RELEASE: The One That Got Away: Women of Horror Anthology Volume 3
I’m super pleased to announce that my story, “The Letter,” is included in this tremendously horrific anthology!
WOMEN OF HORROR ANTHOLOGY
VOLUME THREE
KANDISHA PRESS
What doesn’t kill me, might make me kill you!
30 women authors from around the world were challenged to write about The One That Got Away. Here you’ll find tales of unrequited love, blind dates gone wrong, stalkers and their prey, cursed guitars, alien symbiotes, sinister letters, and bitter acts of revenge. Dive into murky depths and discover what hides inside the minds of women scorned..
Book 3 in the Kandisha Press Women of Horror Anthology Series
#FRIGHTGIRLWINTER recommended reading!
With Foreword by Gwendolyn Kiste (Bram Stoker Award Winning Author of The Rust Maidens)
Edited by Jill Girardi
Featuring stories from: Carmen Baca, Ushasi Sen Basu, Demi-Louise Blackburn, Ashley Burns, R.A. Busby, Amira Krista Calvo, Dawn DeBraal, Shawnna Deresch, Ellie Douglas, Amy Grech, KC Grifant, Meg Hafdahl, Rowan Hill, Stevie Kopas, Michelle Renee Lane, Catherine McCarthy, Villimey Mist, Mocha Pennington, Faith Pierce, Janine Pipe, Lydia Prime, Paula R.C. Readman, Marsheila Rockwell, Lucy Rose, Rebecca Rowland, Hadassah Shiradski, Yolanda Sfetsos, Barrington Smith-Seetachitt, J Snow and Sonora Taylor.
Click the image above to be directed to Amazon or check out the link below to get yours from your favorite book retailer:
December 17, 2020
Faulty Advice Friday | SlAy_Belle
Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.
Lydia,
My kids always freak out around Christmas. The closer it gets, the more ramped up they get. My parents used to tell my Santa wasn’t coming, but that doesn’t seem to be working. How can I get them to knock it off?
SlAy_Belle
Welcome, SlAy_Belle, sorry to hear you’re dealing with some incredibly hyped up yule-lads. But tis the season, eh?
December 6, 2020
November 2020 Ladies of Horror Picture Prompt Challenge: Freddie Promised | @LydiaPrime
Picture-Prompt Writing Challenge!
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Freddie Promised
by Lydia Prime
Freddie always promised that he’d be home in time for supper. He crossed his heart and hoped to die as his mommy waved him off. He’d hop on his bike and head for the hills, knowing he’d need to return when the lights came on.
Freddie made his same promise every afternoon, and always made it home as the food was being served. His mommy would smile her odd crooked smile. Freddie said grace, and held his mommy’s hand for just a few moments longer each day.
The following day, the pair continued their routine, crossed hearts and sad waves. Freddie’s mommy made a special meal, peppering the pie with a hearty helping of arsenic. A double scoop, she thought, adding some to her own plate, just to get the job done.
The front door flew open. A blurry version of Freddie ran in, excited to say grace and see his mommy. He washed up and sat at the table, the biggest grin plastered on his face. Hungrier than usual, he sneaked a bit of bread. When his mommy sat down, he presented her with a simple bouquet of wildflowers. She teared up and tried to snatch his plate away, not realizing that it was too late.
Freddie’s mother watched her son while his mouth foamed and he painfully faded away. Panic, regret, guilt—fear overtook her. She screamed at Freddie, begging him to wake.
“Mommy?” Freddie’s voice called from the porch, his ghostly figure peering in through the window. Surprised, his mommy ran to the window, wailing and apologizing. .
Time flew by, and although she aged, Freddie didn’t. He’d become a permanent fixture in her cowardly world. Eventually, her heart grew cold, and she began to resent his memory. But, some promises are bigger, more important than one could ever fathom. Freddie kept his promise, and he always came home for supper.
Fiction © Copyright Lydia Prime
Image courtesy of Pixabay.com
More from author Lydia Prime:
Graveyard Smash:
Women of Horror Anthology Vol. 2
Step through the prettiest cemetery gates you’ve ever seen and experience tombstone raves and widow’s dances, Japanese snow-spirits, Aztec bruja and temple goddesses, vengeful ghosts, djinn and cannibals, vampire hunters, plague bearers, graverobbers, and terrors beyond reason. Read through the night as the dead rise from boneyards all around the world!
#FRIGHTGIRLSUMMER recommended reading!
Featuring chilling tales from:
Christy Aldridge
Carmen BacaDemi-Louise Blackburn
R.A. Busby
V. Castro
Dawn DeBraal
Ellie Douglas
Tracy Fahey
Dona Fox
Cassidy Frost
Michelle Renee Lane
Beverley Lee
J.A.W. McCarthy
Catherine McCarthy
Susan McCauley
Ksenia Murray
Ally Peirse
Janine Pipe
Lydia Prime
Paula R.C. Readman
Yolanda Sfetsos
Sonora Taylor
Edited by Jill Girardi
With foreword by Doc Holocausto (Evilspeak Magazine, Harvest Ritual, Creepy Crawls)
November 19, 2020
Faulty Advice Friday | Aunty_Social_x3
Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.
Lydia,
This year has suckd. Now I have to go to some family dinners. How can I distract my relatives from asking me personal stuff?
Aunty_Social_x3
Salutations, Aunty_Social_x3! I couldn’t agree with you more—this year has had a picnic full of ants being chased by anteaters being chased by rabid wolverine-alligator hybrids. When most people meditate, I imagine they look for a calming peace, I personally try to channel my spirit animal: the home badger.
The wise and powerful honey badger, not giving a shit, and dancing like nobody’s watching. Why? Because he don’t give no shits. #myhero
I don’t know if you’re aware, but honey badgers don’t give a shit. As… You might be able to see from the above gif. Anywho, onto your family’s shin-diggity-do!
I do know the pain of enduring a family function you just can’t seem to get behind. Whether it’s because of the toxic grandfather flatulent smoke screen, or a generalized sense of not belonging—have no fear.
There are only 3 legitimately proven ways to prevent your family members from over stepping their bounds. The first of which involves a blowtorch. Now, I am clearly, obviously, very qualified to explain how you need to set up a spectacular pyro technics show to impress and keep everyone talking for ages to come. So, with that in mind, make sure you place the fireworks in a pattern that will send them all flying directly toward the house. If there’s an open window that you think you can score one flying through… Don’t you dare hold back now. Make sure you get into the living room and tuck them into the curtains. Since you’re putting on a show, why not make sure you set some up behind the television? No one will see that coming!
Once you have all of your fireworks/sparklers—and matches if your trying for the desperado effect—grab onto that blowtorch. Light ’em all up in the most reckless way possible. No one else is going to pull out all the stops to create an amazing atmosphere, you’re doing them a favor. While the whistling, whizzing, shimmering wonders are exploding all around, get your phone out and start recording. You’ll never want to forget the looks on their faces. 
November 12, 2020
Faulty Advice Friday | B0RNiNTHEWR0NGjEN
Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.
Lydia,
I’m having an existential crisis since I hit 20. I need to know, why does anything exist?
B0RNiNTHEWR0NGjEN
Ahhhh, Friday the 13th! Hope you have all of the black cats, open ladders, and at least one cracked mirror as you travel through today, B0RNiNTHEWR0NGjEN!
I’m not sure if I should be offended or just glaze by the fact that you turned T-W-E-N-T-Y and are questioning existence… wait till you find out that I’m older than Google.
B0RNiNTHEWR0NGjEN finding out that I, am in fact, older than Google.
Why does anything exist? I honestly would love to know that answer myself – but since you asked I’ll give it my best shot. Strap into your booster seat and get ready for some truth!
Trying to ask the big questions, those ones that buzz around in your brain and keep you up through the wee hours of the morning – that’s some real grown up shit, and I’m proud of ya, B0RN. Being a grown up also means accepting the hard to swallow pills (that as a child were fed to you in a particularly yummy liquid bubblegum flavor). Most of those pills work somewhat like getting through the Matrix or following the Yellow Brick Road all the way to Emerald City – you shouldn’t look too hard. Spending hours trying to figure out what the man behind the curtain was doing all along, well, as grown ups, the magic fades and there’s a lingering sense of disappointment. Save yourself the trouble, don’t peek behind the curtain…Or… do… but it might just be the last thing you ever see.
If you try to think of it more like a dream, not my dreams though, because those are really weird. Especially the ones with the poodles *shudders*. You’ll find out that everything you do makes no difference, you have no free will – and if you choose to do the less fun, more tame option with your path – there’s another version of you out there who’s living it up and having the best time of your lives. Oh, did I forget to mention the never ending combinations of alternate realities? Yes, yes, while you, here in this one, age and get wrinkles, and wither and die – there’s another more attractive and young version of you currently taking a shot out of the navel of a dwarf. (Man, I wish I knew that version… err… uhm… carry on.)
I find most things that tangibly exist, do so simply to annoy something else.
Seriously though, if you think I’m wrong, try to look at it like this:
Trees ⭢ Lumber JacksLife ⭢ Emo KidsOlder Siblings ⭢ Younger SiblingsSleep ⭢ Alarm ClocksPaycheck ⭢ Bills
I could go on for a while, but I think you get my point. You, me, and every other thing on this Earth is here just to cause agitation to external forces around us. We’re probably just a really strange DLC that was created for that game, The Sims. Honestly, in what rational, logical world is there: a cartoon that’s better at fortune telling than Miss Cleo, a Tiger King who has several methed out husbands that just hang around for the tigers and crazy, Carol Fuckin Baskins on dancing with the stars after butchering Don Lew- err, I mean, 50 Cent’s smash hit, In da Club; Murder Hornets(?!?!?), and *cringe* worst of all, people who don’t like pumpkin spice?
I think I just blew my own mind with that last one…
Why do things exist? Probably because somewhere, someone’s mom said so, and that was that.
Why do you exist specifically? Could be a number of things. Maybe you’ll cure cancer, or end racism. Perhaps you’ll get Alf off his diet of kittens after all these years. Maybe, just maybe, because your parents had sex and the condom broke. No matter the reason, I strongly recommend you stop trying to figure it out. It’s just going to give us both a migraine.
By the by, while we’re going over some of the super serious stuff, let me be the first to tell you: when you turn 21, you stop existing if your eyes are closed. So never, ever ever, never, blink ever again – or P-O-O-F!
Book Spotlight | Lost Souls: FOUND! Inspiring Stories about Dogs V3
Just over a week ago, I’d joined my fiance, his brother and a few friends for some drinks at a local bar. While there, we couldn’t help but notice when a man walked up with his incredibly adorable pup.
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Rick Young poses with his pupper, Noelle, while we speak about rescues and writing.
He was seated at a table near us and our tables quickly made jokes back and forth about the music. I’m not entirely sure how much time had passed, but being on the chillier side, we decided we needed to try getting a spot indoors. While we awaited the OK to snag a table upstairs, I excused myself from the tented dining area to smoke a cigarette in the shadows (like the creepy night creature I am). I saw my group of people trickle out of the tent and up the steps to the warmer tables.
My fiance was more than happy to wait while I got my nicotine fix so that he could pet the doggie. Turns out our new friend not only shared a love of fuzzy goofballs, but he was also a writer!
Rick Young was happy to tell us about the piece he’d written for a book about rescue animals, and his journey with Noelle, his lovely companion. Find out their story and many others in the book below:
L[image error]ost Souls: Found!
Inspiring Stories about Dogs Volume 3
Like Volumes I and II, Lost Souls: FOUND! Inspiring Stories About Dogs, Vol. III is full of fantastic, heartwarming stories about dogs who have been rescued and adopted. While a wide variety of stories are included, this book has a special focus on older dogs, herding-type dogs, and northern-type dogs.
Available on Amazon!
November 5, 2020
Faulty Advice Friday | lookingforvampires
Welcome to Faulty Advice Friday! This is the place to get your toughest questions answered.
Lydia,
There’s a lot of things I want to do… too many plans to fit in just one lifetime. Do you have any advice to make more of every day?
lookingforvampires
Howdy LookingForVampires!
It always feels like time is running out, that 24 hours are simply not enough for us to get anything accomplished. The best way I’ve found to get more for my money (so to speak), is to ruin somebody’s day.
As we all know, life is a race of sorts. You’re only as good as the last Johnson you surpassed. When you do something like, pushing a baby pram into the street, or pouring old hot dog water out of your 4th story window and onto an unsuspecting passerby—you effectively rig the game in your favor. That unfortunate person will have to go to the hospital (like a punk) or chase a runaway stroller into heavy traffic. Now their day is shot, and you get to feel like you’ve accomplished more than they ever will today!
Some people, however, find they don’t quite have the stomach for such a hands on approach. Try hitting up the nearest cryogenic lab! You can definitely freeze yourself until science catches up and finds a way to replace your guts. (Or you know, we get some sort of ability to double the time in a day.) Now, LookingForVampires, I know what you’re thinking. “Lydia, how could I afford such a complex and extravagant process?” Well now, we actually have two options. One, wait until they close down for the day, hide in a lobby plant if you must, then sneak in and climb into one of the currently inhabited cubicles. Don’t worry, your new roommate won’t even know you’re there. If you’d prefer something more solitary, head out and grab yourself a big ol’ meat locker. Hook it up and get that temp to a nice freezing level. Hop in, and wait it all out!
I, personally, don’t believe I’d have the patience for being frozen. I’m very much an instant gratification sort of gal. If you’re like me, you’ll want a more expedient option. Start at least 75 projects within 3 days. You have no obligation to complete any of them, just starting them should be able to provide that needed fix of getting the most of your time. As deadlines arrive, spend about 15 minutes completing something in a half-assed manner. BAM! Two months later and you’re an astronaut trainee who also puts out fires, dances the merengue, has pickle shots, and knows the basics of how to change a horse shoe. Those titles alone sound preeeettttyy snazzy.
Of course, we are in the midst of 2020, however close to the end we may be. I think embracing depression might be a plausible solution. Instead of actually doing the things, take a whole lot of naps. Dream that you’ve done the things—who’s going to say you haven’t? How do you know dream you isn’t the real you, and because that you is just so busy, all they can do is dream about what their humdrum life could be—if they weren’t out being amazing?
No matter how you choose to broaden your day, you should try to remember that there are groups that can help you extend your lifetime. Hit up that awesome bro of bro’s, Xenu and see what they have to say. Perhaps, if you’re so lucky, you can get some readings, and even a billion year contract. At least then you’ll know you’ll be back to get on with certain activities and goals you missed the first time.
One last thought before I let you go. Maybe head over to Alaska. I believe they have an extended period of night that spans quite a while. I noticed that you’re “Looking for Vampires,” what better place to seek out the eternally undead than a night filled land? Becoming one with the legion of blood suckers might just be the most ideal option for you!
Stay curious, LookingForVampires, and please, if you choose the first option, remember to keep a diary of all your deeds. Looking over them will help you see how much you really want did do, and you know, help the cops with their investigation should you cause too much of a problem.
Happy Friday, LookingForVampires
