Bob Mayer's Blog, page 58
June 8, 2019
The Top 10 War Movies, picked by a veteran
Ah, when men were men and the sheep ran scared! Esquire ran a “10 Manliest War Movies” which I thought was a bit lacking; but it was by a movie critic not a veteran, so forgiveness. I wouldn’t even put The Green Berets in the top 25, and I’m a former Green Beret. Also, maybe I’m more of a realist as you’ll see by perusing my own rather dark list. It’s only my opinion and I’m open to your suggestions as there is not right or wrong in this. I also have some honorable mentions. And my memory isn’t what it used to be as Cool Gus and I go into our gray years. The movies are listed in no particular order
Blackhawk Down: Having served with people who were there, this one hits close to home. While some Hollywood elements were thrown in, I really liked Mark Bowden’s book on which it is based. He told both sides of the battle, while the movie really only showed one. Still, it shows the confusion and ferocity of modern warfare. And the bravery of the American soldier. Seriously. Rangers are the finest light infantry in the world.
NOAH. I binged this on Netflix. Norwegian with subtitles, but very realistic about Special Operations in all aspects. Kudos! We used to train with the Norwegians for Winter Warfare. I also graduated Danish Fromandkorpset Combat Swim School. That’s the reason why I won’t go into water colder than 85 degrees now. Dry suits aren’t.
Saving Private Ryan:
The brutal opening shocked people and that’s what should be done. Too
many movies glorify combat, when the reality is a messy, bloody, melee
of confusion and chaos. Dying soldiers do curse, cry out for their
mother, and, most especially, don’t want to die.
Cross of Iron: Classic. The Eastern Front was unbelievably brutal. Read The Forgotten Soldier just to get a glimpse.
The Odd Angry Shot:
Most people have never heard of this movie, a 1979 Australian movie
about the SAS in Vietnam (Who Dares Wins!). I found it showed the
numbing mundaneness along with the terrifying moments of war. Some of
our favorite sayings were: “Hurry up and wait” and “Prepare to prepare”.
I throw it in just to have something obscure on the list.
Breaker Morant:
Another Australian movie. Much like Paths of Glory (below), it focuses
on the waste, the betrayal and the darkness of war. And the politics
that kill people. The Boer War was where the concentration camp was
invented, by the way. By the British. Just saying.
Zulu:
I just had to put this in here. The sound of the Zulu’s in the
distance, like a freight train approaching, sends chills down your
spine. And the ending, with both sides saluting the other is epic. I
write a lot about Shaka Zulu and the way he built his incredible army in
my Atlantis series.
Das Boot:
Classic. I don’t know how those guys stayed sane on those U-Boats; they
mostly didn’t stay alive. They had an unbelievably high casualty rate:
82%. The greatness of humans is we can endure almost anything; that is
also our Achilles Heel when that anything is war.
Band of Brothers: Technically not a movie but the mini-series showed the great arc from training, through the end of World War II, from the point of view of the men of Easy Company in the 101st Airborne.
The Pacific was confusing, but perhaps showed the trauma of war more deeply. Most Americans don’t realize that those Marines on Guadalcanal were abandoned for a while and could have been annihilated. And the Navy (my father fought in the Navy in WWII) suffered terrible losses. Do you recognize Mr. Robot and Oscar Winner?
Letters from Iwo Jima:
Yes, the enemy are people too. We want to dehumanize our enemies, but
maybe if we all treated each other as people, we wouldn’t be so quick to
go to war. Old men and women declare wars and young men and women die
in them.
Go Tell the Spartans: “Go tell the Spartans, stranger passing by, that here, obedient to their laws, we lie.” Burt Lancaster’s character has a costly affair with a superior’s wife and ends up in Vietnam in 1964. It’s downhill from there.
Paths Of Glory: “The boast of heraldry, the pomp of pow’r, And all that beauty, all that wealth e’er gave, Awaits alike th’inevitable hour. The paths of glory lead but to the grave.” Stanley Kubrick made this movie and it is devastating about the futility and waste of war. As shattering as Gallipoli.
Honorable Mentions- Ken Burns: The Civil War:
Technically not a war movie, but a spectacular mini-series about our
bloodiest conflict. It was a West Point war (55 of the 60 major battles
had West Pointers commanding both sides) and raises the issue I explore
in my Duty, Honor, Country trilogy (by the way, 1st book is free right now): which is more important: Honor or loyalty? I know my answer.
Courage Under Fire — about a brave woman. So not manly? The book was better, because in the book, Denzel Washington’s character was more of a coward in combat, so his investigation was a way for him to try to find out what had been lacking in him that the heroine had. Also, the tank battle bears some resemblance to the one where our former National Security Advisor won a Silver Star– the Battle of 73 Easting.
All Quiet on the Western Front. Classic.
Kelly’s Heroes — the boys loved this movie
Platoon; Full Metal Jacket; Apocalypse Now — we all want to go a little Kurtz now and then. Seriously — if you’re going to fight a war, you’ve got to go all the way. Actually, Kurtz was based on the Fifth Group Commander who was involved in the Green Beret Affair in 1969. I have a slideshow about that and its in the backstory of my next book, New York Minute.
Bridge on the River Kwai — just for the whistling of The Colonel Bogey March. But also how the concept of duty can get perverted. I’d throw King Rat in too as an excellent character study.
Dirty Dozen Because. It was based on a real unit.
Catch-22 You think it’s over the top. It’s not really.
The Guns of Navarone Just cause.
Big Red One Lee Marvin made some classic war movies.
War Machine. People thought it over the top. Unfortunately it isn’t.
A Bridge Too Far — every soldier needs to know this story. I followed the assault path while on Reforger with the 1st Cavalry Division and people there still remembered the sacrifice of the Allies. And the Dutch War College did war game the exact operation before the war and concluded it would fail. And the Allies did it anyway.
Hurt Locker:
Loved the ending, despite some very unrealistic scenes. Exactly the way
I feel every time I go in the supermarket. Seriously. Ask my wife.
Live, Die, Repeat: The Edge of Tomorrow and Aliens. Just cause. “We’re all gonna die!” “What was he thinking?” Also, Battle Los Angeles was kind of interesting.
Twelve Strong was surprisingly well done. It was a realistic portrayal of what Special Forces actually did, and does.
The Green Berets — John
Wayne doesn’t hook up before he jumps. Enough said. This is definitely
not a complete list. And I’m lacking some movies about earlier wars.
Drums Along The Mohawk just jumped into my brain. And Last of the Mohicans!
Let’s hear your suggestions and what’s special about them!
The Top 10 War Movies, picked by a veteran
Bob MayerNo...
Bob MayerNov 11, 2014
Ah, when men were men and the sheep ran scared! Esquire ran a “10 Manliest War Movies” which I thought was a bit lacking; but it was by a movie critic not a veteran, so forgiveness. I wouldn’t even put The Green Berets in the top 25, and I’m a former Green Beret. Also, maybe I’m more of a realist as you’ll see by perusing my own rather dark list. It’s only my opinion and I’m open to your suggestions as there is not right or wrong in this. I also have some honorable mentions. And my memory isn’t what it used to be as Cool Gus and I go into our gray years. The movies are listed in no particular order
Blackhawk Down: Having served with people who were there, this one hits close to home. While some Hollywood elements were thrown in, I really liked Mark Bowden’s book on which it is based. He told both sides of the battle, while the movie really only showed one. Still, it shows the confusion and ferocity of modern warfare. And the bravery of the American soldier. Seriously. Rangers are the finest light infantry in the world.
NOAH. I binged this on Netflix. Norwegian with subtitles, but very realistic about Special Operations in all aspects. Kudos! We used to train with the Norwegians for Winter Warfare. I also graduated Danish Fromandkorpset Combat Swim School. That’s the reason why I won’t go into water colder than 85 degrees now. Dry suits aren’t.
Saving Private Ryan:
The brutal opening shocked people and that’s what should be done. Too
many movies glorify combat, when the reality is a messy, bloody, melee
of confusion and chaos. Dying soldiers do curse, cry out for their
mother, and, most especially, don’t want to die.
Cross of Iron: Classic. The Eastern Front was unbelievably brutal. Read The Forgotten Soldier just to get a glimpse.
The Odd Angry Shot:
Most people have never heard of this movie, a 1979 Australian movie
about the SAS in Vietnam (Who Dares Wins!). I found it showed the
numbing mundaneness along with the terrifying moments of war. Some of
our favorite sayings were: “Hurry up and wait” and “Prepare to prepare”.
I throw it in just to have something obscure on the list.
Breaker Morant:
Another Australian movie. Much like Paths of Glory (below), it focuses
on the waste, the betrayal and the darkness of war. And the politics
that kill people. The Boer War was where the concentration camp was
invented, by the way. By the British. Just saying.
Zulu:
I just had to put this in here. The sound of the Zulu’s in the
distance, like a freight train approaching, sends chills down your
spine. And the ending, with both sides saluting the other is epic. I
write a lot about Shaka Zulu and the way he built his incredible army in
my Atlantis series.
Das Boot:
Classic. I don’t know how those guys stayed sane on those U-Boats; they
mostly didn’t stay alive. They had an unbelievably high casualty rate:
82%. The greatness of humans is we can endure almost anything; that is
also our Achilles Heel when that anything is war.
Band of Brothers: Technically not a movie but the mini-series showed the great arc from training, through the end of World War II, from the point of view of the men of Easy Company in the 101st Airborne.
The Pacific was confusing, but perhaps showed the trauma of war more deeply. Most Americans don’t realize that those Marines on Guadalcanal were abandoned for a while and could have been annihilated. And the Navy (my father fought in the Navy in WWII) suffered terrible losses. Do you recognize Mr. Robot and Oscar Winner?
Letters from Iwo Jima:
Yes, the enemy are people too. We want to dehumanize our enemies, but
maybe if we all treated each other as people, we wouldn’t be so quick to
go to war. Old men and women declare wars and young men and women die
in them.
Go Tell the Spartans: “Go tell the Spartans, stranger passing by, that here, obedient to their laws, we lie.” Burt Lancaster’s character has a costly affair with a superior’s wife and ends up in Vietnam in 1964. It’s downhill from there.
Paths Of Glory: “The boast of heraldry, the pomp of pow’r, And all that beauty, all that wealth e’er gave, Awaits alike th’inevitable hour. The paths of glory lead but to the grave.” Stanley Kubrick made this movie and it is devastating about the futility and waste of war. As shattering as Gallipoli.
Honorable Mentions- Ken Burns: The Civil War:
Technically not a war movie, but a spectacular mini-series about our
bloodiest conflict. It was a West Point war (55 of the 60 major battles
had West Pointers commanding both sides) and raises the issue I explore
in my Duty, Honor, Country trilogy (by the way, 1st book is free right now): which is more important: Honor or loyalty? I know my answer.
Courage Under Fire — about a brave woman. So not manly? The book was better, because in the book, Denzel Washington’s character was more of a coward in combat, so his investigation was a way for him to try to find out what had been lacking in him that the heroine had. Also, the tank battle bears some resemblance to the one where our former National Security Advisor won a Silver Star– the Battle of 73 Easting.
All Quiet on the Western Front. Classic.
Kelly’s Heroes — the boys loved this movie
Platoon; Full Metal Jacket; Apocalypse Now — we all want to go a little Kurtz now and then. Seriously — if you’re going to fight a war, you’ve got to go all the way. Actually, Kurtz was based on the Fifth Group Commander who was involved in the Green Beret Affair in 1969. I have a slideshow about that and its in the backstory of my next book, New York Minute.
Bridge on the River Kwai — just for the whistling of The Colonel Bogey March. But also how the concept of duty can get perverted. I’d throw King Rat in too as an excellent character study.
Dirty Dozen Because. It was based on a real unit.
Catch-22 You think it’s over the top. It’s not really.
The Guns of Navarone Just cause.
Big Red One Lee Marvin made some classic war movies.
War Machine. People thought it over the top. Unfortunately it isn’t.
A Bridge Too Far — every soldier needs to know this story. I followed the assault path while on Reforger with the 1st Cavalry Division and people there still remembered the sacrifice of the Allies. And the Dutch War College did war game the exact operation before the war and concluded it would fail. And the Allies did it anyway.
Hurt Locker:
Loved the ending, despite some very unrealistic scenes. Exactly the way
I feel every time I go in the supermarket. Seriously. Ask my wife.
Live, Die, Repeat: The Edge of Tomorrow and Aliens. Just cause. “We’re all gonna die!” “What was he thinking?” Also, Battle Los Angeles was kind of interesting.
Twelve Strong was surprisingly well done. It was a realistic portrayal of what Special Forces actually did, and does.
The Green Berets — John
Wayne doesn’t hook up before he jumps. Enough said. This is definitely
not a complete list. And I’m lacking some movies about earlier wars.
Drums Along The Mohawk just jumped into my brain. And Last of the Mohicans!
Let’s hear your suggestions and what’s special about them!
June 7, 2019
Us– and the genius of Jordan Peele
From the title, which could be Us, as in all of us, or US, as in the country, everything in this brilliant movie by Jordan Peele resonates with deeper meaning.
When we watched Key and Peele we were always impressed not only with the insightful humor, but the excellent production of the skits. Both of those are hallmarks of this movie.
Some label the movie ‘horror’ but it is more a social commentary draped with some of the accouterments of horror. There are certainly very scary moments that will make you shiver, there are also funny moments. There is a shocking twist at the end that was telegraphed widely but not seen, the way the best ones are.
What Peele does with the movie makes a profound social commentary about our country. I won’t preach– watch the movie and come up with your own take.
Everything from the gloves the Tethered wore, to the way the re-named Alexa (really Apple? You wouldn’t allow Alexa to be used?) responded to “call the police” made a powerful impact.
As a writer, I am in awe of the way he not only wrote it and filmed it, but also edited it.
Highly recommended!!
June 5, 2019
Every Author is Different based on the Three P’s
Product, Platform, Promotion.
We all rate differently on those three, therefore any writing advice we get has to be factored through our own personal situation. One size does not fit all. I call my book on writing a Toolkit because I don’t believe there are any fixed rules in writing.
When we go to a writers conference, we all take something different away based on those three factors. Everything we read online has to be factored through them.
Here’s a way to look at them:
The Three P's from Bob Mayer
June 3, 2019
Survival 3: Do You Have ICE On Your Phone?
Make sure everyone has an ICE (in
case of emergency) phone number on their cell phone.
Android users running 7.0 or higher
can program emergency information and contact details through the emergency
call screen when the device is locked.
On the iPhone go to your Health
App, which looks like this:
Launch the Health app on your
iPhone.Tap the Medical ID tab.Tap Edit in the upper right
corner.Tap Edit Medical ID.Under Emergency Contacts tap
Add emergency contact.Select a contact from your
list.Select a Relationship.
You can add as much information as
you like on this app in the appropriate places. Think about it. If you were
found unconscious and your phone is locked, could anyone contact someone who
would need to know? Would medical personnel know your blood type and allergies?
To access it, when the passcode screen comes up, you will see emergency in the bottom left of that screen. Tap that and you will get a phone dial screen; on the bottom left it will say, in red, Medical ID. Tap that and you will get all the pertinent information.
June 2, 2019
Deadwood does it right
As I started watching the Deadwood movie it was more than a bit depressing. This was for personal reasons. Personally, it reminded me of binging the entire series with our youngest son during the last time we saw him. Also, many of the characters looked so old. Too old for just ten years to have passed.
But then I started getting back into the world and the oddly phrased sentence structure and the characters, who remained true to who they were: Bullock’s anger, Swearingen’s plotting, etc.
After the debacle of the third season, I was wondering how they would pull everything together, especially the bad taste of Hearst “winning”.
It was done and done well. It’s sad that the two most decent characters in the show, Ellsworth and Charlie Utter fell under the machinations of Hearst. But in the end, most of the characters ended up where they should be.
Molly Parker did a great job as Alma Ellsworth and her feelings for Bullock hadn’t cooled in the years apart. Calamity and Joanie Stubbs was intriguing. And Bullock was finally ‘home’ which was shown subtly throughout and then at the end.
I did wonder what Swearingen would do, but without revealing too much, I feel it ended on the right tone with him.
As a writer I liked how the loops were closed. Calamity received some redemption; Bullock initially gave into his anger but then made the right choice; Trixie and Saul!
Highly recommended! Cool Gus gives it four paws up.
May 29, 2019
Characters: The Heart of Your Story
What’s your favorite book? What do you remember about it that makes it your favorite? Was it the plot? Or was it character?
One of mine is Lonesome Dove. Read the first chapter and tell you don’t know who all those characters are by the end of it and want to follow their story?
New York Minute is the first book I wrote starting with character, not story. I’d been thinking about Lee Child’s Jack Reacher, certainly a very successful character. But mainly because my own background mirrors Reacher’s: he graduated West Point the year after me; was in Lebanon when the barracks were bombed, as my unit, 10th Special Forces, was. His mother is French, from Strasbourg. My wife’s mother is French from Strasbourg. Etcetera. However, I am not a big guy who wanders around the country with just the clothes on my back. I have Cool Gus.
Anyway, I was thinking about character and who I really wanted to write about and I thought about the people I served with in Special Operations. And, honestly, I thought about all my therapy and testing and personality profiling. I always joked when I teach that writers aren’t in the bell curve and we aren’t necessarily on the good end of it. Turns out I’m not in the bell curve and I test out on the autism scale. I think a bunch of people in Special Ops are definitely outside the curve.
I came up with Will Kane. A graduate of West Point, class of 1966. He did two tours in Vietnam, first in the Infantry with the 173rd Airborne, then in Special Forces, where he got caught up with an event like the Green Beret Affair. I gave him a personal tragedy which, sadly, is similar to one I experienced. I gave him some personal issues caused both by nature and nurture. And then I threw him into a problem.
That’s a story.
Here’s some ways you can do characters:
Character: The People of your Story from Bob Mayer
May 27, 2019
Survival 2: Introduction
Task One-again. Mild: Did you get the two cases of water bottles for each person in your household?
If you did, you’ve just taken the
most important step in preparation for an emergency or natural disaster: an
adequate supply of water for at least six days for each person.
If you didn’t, you’re still procrastinating,
but you get points for continuing to read! So good news-bad news. Now get that
water!
Each time you see the Special
Forces patch in this book, it indicates a task you should do to prepare. These
items are numbered and in a combined checklist at the end so you can keep track
of how you’re doing.
This book is designed for you. The
person who has concerns about whether you are adequately prepared for
emergencies and disasters but hasn’t been able to focus on it, or when you do,
quickly get overwhelmed by the information available. It is written to help you
prepare for and deal with a wide array of possible situations in a
common-sense, step by step manner.
We are constantly being bombarded with
images of people caught in both natural and unnatural emergencies and disasters.
They appear on our television screen and we watch the devastation, confusion
and chaos with a combination of relief and fear. Relief because it’s not us and
fear because even though we bury the emotion, telling ourselves that won’t
happen to us, we know deep down that accidents, disasters and emergencies
do not discriminate and can strike anyone, anywhere, at any time. You, and
someone you love, will definitely face at least one of the topics covered in
this book.
The key is to be prepared and this book
will show you how to do it. It gives you checklists that you can readily follow
in order to be ready. It also allows you to prepare by levels, from mild to
moderate to extreme. Finally, it tells you what to do in various scenarios.
There are two main parts. The first
is preparation. The second is survival.
Task
Two
Mild: A-Team Contact Information &
Alert Flow
A-Team Member
Cell Phone
Number
Work/School
Address & Phone #
#1
#2
#3
#4
#5
#6
#7
#8
#9
#10
The out or area emergency point of
contact is someone who would be unaffected by a local disaster or weather event
and everyone can contact to update their status. This is in case you can’t
contact each other in the midst of the emergency/disaster.
We’ll discuss the Immediate Rally
Point and Emergency Rally Point later, but for now think of the first as a
place outside, but near to your house where everyone would gather if, for
example, there was a fire in the home and you had to evacuate in the middle of
the night.
The Emergency Rally Point is a
place further away from your house, a secure location, where your family/team
would gather if caught in a large scale disaster/emergency and you needed to
get together. This could be a relative’s home, work place, school, whatever.
Mild:
Out of Area Contact, Immediate Rally Point, Emergency Rally Point
Out of area
contact location, phone #
Immediate Rally
Point location
Emergency Rally
Point location
Mild: Emergency Information
Place
Phone
Address
Poison Control
800-222-1222
N/A
Work #1 for ?
Work #2 for ?
School #1 for ?
School #2 for ?
Closest police station
Closest emergency room
Closest fire station
Power company/
Gas company
Water company
Family Doctor
Health Insurance &
Account #
Insurance company
Account #
We’re on a roll. You now have more information and are more prepared than you were when you started this book. Remember, many of us don’t have phone numbers memorized. We rely on the address book of our cell phone, but in an emergency, that might not work, you might not have your cell phone and have to use someone else’s, or, well, as you shall see, there are many other reasons to actually have these numbers and locations written down.
The Procrastinator’s Survival Guide
May 22, 2019
Your Voice as a Writer: Point of View
Honestly, this is the hardest topic to discuss or teach. For example, I wrote New York Minute in omniscient, translucent, single character.
Right. Got it? What I mean is I wrote in omniscient voice, which is different than third person, but following only one character, my protagonist Will Kane. The translucent means I was behind him, filtering everything through him, but it WAS NOT first person. Got it now?
Yeah. Here’s the thing about POV. It’s your voice as a writer. There are writers who can sell books simply on their voice. If Jimmy Buffet can set your writing to music, aka Prince of Tides, then you’ve probably got a great voice.
I’ve worked on voice for decades, honing it, refining it. I always knew it was an issue for me. I literally had to go get my brain tested to figure out how it worked and to learn what my issues with voice were. Turns out I’m on the autism scale; high-functioning, which used to be called Aspergers. But it’s been both a blessing and a problem for me as a writer. It’s allowed me to sit alone and write over 75 books. But it’s also caused me to have issues with my voice.
Here are some thoughts on voice that you might find useful.
Novel Writing: Point-of-View from Bob Mayer
May 20, 2019
Survival 1: Forward by Bob’s Wife: A Procrastinator and Believer in Making Luck Backwards
This is the first of a series of posts on Monday about survival.
Task One: Mild: Get two cases of bottled water for each person in your household.
By Deb:
If
you’re like me, you don’t buy books about surviving things. Why? Probably
because you think that you won’t survive them anyway, so why bother? We can
call it procrastination but sometimes it’s easier to think of it as something
which we’d rather not think about at all.
My
husband, Bob, is a person who does think about ‘what’s the worst that could
happen’ and thus frees me up to forget about that. I’ve always seen it as
another quirky part of the man whom I’ve loved since I first saw his bookshelf
because we had almost all of the same books.
He
had the same tattered paperbacks of Asimov, Bradbury and Heinlein and on and on
telling me that he, too, had spent his teenage years in worlds not this one but
maybe a future this one.
He
had more fantasy than I, and I had more true crime than he, but otherwise we
had a matching set of bookshelves. He had a lovely special edition of
Watership Down and I had a complete set of the Encyclopedia of Crime which I
still consider my best buy from a library sale.
I
did have an interest in ‘what’s the worst thing that could happen’ but mine
focused on the past and his is directed toward a future which oddly enough only
a survivalist is optimistic enough to imagine. If you worry about how to snare a
rabbit after the zombie apocalypse–you are a glass half full person. And that
means you don’t need this book because you’ve already got a few.
But,
if you’re like me and rather convinced that the first person infected with
zombiasm will be your orthopedic surgeon during your rotator cuff surgery and
they’ll just lean over and take a real chunk of you in lieu of payment, and
thus end future travails, you’re the odd combination of glass half empty, yet believe
you’ll be lucky.
The
problem is that I’m not lucky and I write this because we procrastinators tend
to put things off not because we’re lazy or inept: rather our need for
perfection prefers to wait for the proper mood. If you’re still reading this
then you know what I mean. There does come the perfect mood to write the paper
in one sitting, to rearrange the closet, to make the photo albums and brush the
dogs. People like Bob don’t wait for that mood and do a bit everyday so he’s always
caught up on the minutiae of life. I find it unbearably unfair that he and all
the people like him think this is normal because it is. It’s such a common
sense approach to living that my procrastination must reject it because my
uncommon sense works for me. If it didn’t then I wouldn’t put off that which
can be done today for no reason other than it makes common sense in favor of
doing it when it makes uncommon sense to me.
But,
there is an issue with uncommon sense in that it’s a bit of magical thinking
and sees luck as a real thing. Or as I sometimes call it, the magical power of
negative thinking.
My
meandering point here is that I didn’t worry about the zombie apocalypse
because I wouldn’t survive the first day of it and that gave me peace for a
long time. Another way of thinking of that is that I never had to be in the
mood to think of survival, so I could procrastinate to my heart’s content until
the day that Bob burst my magical thinking by mentioning that the lucky people
won’t survive the first day of whatever ‘worst he could imagine’.
Well,
that’s not good at all because he’s lucky and I’m not. We
procrastinators aren’t stupid or lazy: we just need the mood for
perfection and that day I was in the mood to hear that if I applied his theory
to my magical thinking about luck and survival then the zombie eats Bob on the
first day. I’ll be in the bathroom and survive and crawl out the window and for
the first time my mood will perfectly match the reality of the situation at
hand: I will want to survive and have no clue how. Because as my walking
encyclopedia of survival husband mentions from time to time, nothing makes you
want to survive as much as the moment you’re trapped in that bathroom and survival
becomes an option.
Because
that is the procrastinator’s dilemma in that we’ll never prepare till the mood
strikes us to prepare perfectly. And that mood will, of course, never strike us
till the zombies are clawing at the bathroom door. So, for everyone who ignores
the improbable while also occasionally falling into the perfect mood to clean
out every closet and the basement and attic all in one day because it’s so easy
and fun to do it now? I offer you this book and remind you that by reading it
we can be assured that we’ll never need it. Because that would be lucky. You
know, to buy it and read it and be prepared and actually need it, too? Yeah,
we’re not that lucky.
In
other words, we who care the least can save the world from zombies by preparing
for the ‘worst that we can imagine’. We who can move mountains when the mood
strikes us can stop the mountains from moving by forcing ourselves to imagine
that they will and prepare how to deal. Because what terrible thing will ever
happen once all of us who put things off till the perfect time all know how to
catch a rabbit in a snare?
Read this book and save the planet. We owe it to all the
people who make lists and clean out their fridges cause it’s
clean-out-the-fridge day. We have the power to save them by reading this book
because there will never be a day where we’re in the mood to read it.
Procrastinators Unite. PU, a rather perfect term for us!
The
lack of luck survey:
If
you check more than three of the following items you lack luck but control that
by controlling bad luck.
1.
A tornado destroyed your wedding venue the day before the ceremony. (yeah,
that’s happened)
2.
You’ve never experienced a toothache, fever, heart palpations or a limping dog
except on Friday after five pm. (always)
3.
You keep a nice tote umbrella in the car which is removed by the serviceman working
on your car seat and you don’t discover that until the day you get your first
spray tan. (check)
4.
You’ve never called a plumber except on a weekend when you have houseguests.
5.
When you do call a plumber or any type of service person they say—”I’ve
never seen this before.”
6.
You buy a new car and don’t buy the wheel and tire insurance but do buy the
protective coating and drive it home and have a wreck which explodes the tire
and shreds the rim but there isn’t a scratch on the car. (totally happened)
7.
You’ve never once had a Kleenex when you needed one but always dig through a
ton of nice Kleenex when you can’t find your car keys.
8. If there is an ice storm in your area, it will be on the morning after the day you did the prep for a colonoscopy.
