Jennifer Crusie's Blog, page 303

We Interrupt This Twelve Days For This Message from Anne Stuart

Lunch Hour Love Stories is a publishing experiment/program/fun thing launched by some terrific writers who wanted to write short romances that would be perfect for those odd moments when you want to read romance but you don’t want to commit to a full novel. Quickies, so to speak. They post new stories all the time for $1.99 each, and today it’s Anne Stuart’s turn (that would be Our Krissie).

From Krissie:

Anne Stuart has joined the Lunch Hour Love Stories program with Risk the Night, the blistering tale of a reporter who falls afoul (in the best possible way) of an assassin on rainy night in Paris. Originally meant to be part of the ICE series, it’s now a stand-alone story perfect for a nice, long lunch hour. Or maybe a cocktail hour might be better …

In other news, I’m moving into the cottage today and tomorrow, so while I’ll try to post Day Two tonight, it may just be a picture of all my office stuff in an unpainted space. Argh.

The Twelve Days of New Office: Day One: The Plan

One of the most popular posts I ever did here was on rehabbing my office. Evidently that much squalor cheered people up enormously. Now I am moving into a cottage (so happy) and a new office (so happy) that’s kinda small (less happy but coping). Like 70″ by 88″ small. Or six feet by seven feet. Used to be a pantry, so it’s really the breezeway between the kitchen and the garage. And “breeze” is the right word because it’s not just a narrow passage with an outside wall on each side, it also has an outside wall underneath it: the steps to the back yard go under it. It’s basically a bridge between the house and the garage which means one thing: cold as hell.

So why would I put my office there? Did I mention this cottage is small? I love it because it’s small; Squalor on the River was over 4000 square feet and even with Lani and Alastair and the two kids and four dogs and two cats, there were rooms we never used. Stupid. In this place, I’ll use all the rooms. Twice. And the breezeway is the office because it’s the only place to put one until I get enough money to reclaim the basement and the back porch.

But to tell you the truth, I like a small office. It’s not like I pace. Mostly I sit and type. Sometimes I reach for something and if it’s close by, that’s a plus. I don’t get the whole Big Office thing. How much stuff can you put in an office anyway? It’s all small stuff. Even oversize post-its fit in a drawer. Big tables just give me more room to put stuff on and lose when I put other stuff on top of that. If I want an armchair I can walk six feet to the living room. Really, a small office is good.

And this time, I’m starting from scratch. We gutted the pantry that was there (and by “we” I mean my contractor and his guys) and insulated the walls (which is a help with the heat although not with the cold floor situation) and now I have to put in a desk for two monitors and a keyboard and a laptop and some storage that’ll hold two printers and a scanner. I’d like it to be neutral since everything I’m going to put in there will be colorful which means the walls and the furniture are going to be black or white. Simple. Like me.

It started out looking like this:

(Somewhere Susan Elizabeth Phillips has a heart palpitation at the sight of this photo. You know how she is about offices.) And now it looks like this:

So, progress. I’ll keep posting about it until it’s done, although I don’t see it taking twelve days. Possibly we can talk about Office Theory for the last few days. Discuss binder clips or something. I’m just happy I’m getting an office after living without one for three months.

Actually living in New Jersey is making me very happy already, which is good because I was a real downer for most of last year. Sorry about that, although dear god, that was a bad year. But good things are happening: my new retinologist says that with aggressive treatment I’ll never lose the sight in my right eye to wet AMD. And I only have to go for shots every six weeks. And the shots don’t hurt. I love my new retinologist. I love New Jersey. And with any luck at all, at the end of the week/month/whatever it takes, I’ll love my new climate-uncontrolled office.

Tomorrow: Painting furniture. I have to. It’s the wrong color.

Head’s Up: BE MINE is NOT a New Crusie Novel

Harlequin is publishing an anthology with a very old (1993) novella of mine under the title of Be Mine. I’m sure the other two people in the anthology have terrific stories, but mine stinks on ice. Since HQ owns that novella outright, there is nothing I can do to stop it. Do not buy that book thinking it’s a new novel.

Why, yes, I am annoyed.

The Binder Clip

I have a thing for fancy binder clips. Target and Michaels both have brightly colored variations that get me every time because (a) they’re cheap and (b) I’m weak. The problem is, I think they’re awkward on bundles of paper, so I never use them and they sit around in all their color and beauty and glower at me. Then I read this Lifehacker post, and the clouds parted and birds began to sing because I will use seven out of ten of these Things To Do With Binder Clips.

Then I kept googling because Google is the Potato Chip Bag of the internet and found these duct-tape covered binder clips:

So if you don’t have a stash of funky clips of your own, get some fancy duct tape and combine two of the greatest forces in the universe. Wallow in that accomplishment and then go organize your power cords as an office Zen Master.

Hey, small accomplishments are still accomplishments.

Sarah Wynde Has Three Gifts for You

There are still some presents left to open: Sarah Wynde has three short stories free on Kindle today:

A Gift of Ghosts

A Gift of Thought

The Spirits of Christmas

2013: Nothing But Good Times Right Now

For my New Year’s Eve post, I’d love to say something inspirational, but all I’ve got is “Thank god this freaking year is over.” I don’t know why I’ve fixated on Jan. 1 as the day my luck turns around; that makes as much sense as believing the world is going to end because the Mayan calendar cycle stopped. But there is something about that clean slate; the ball drops, we wipe the old year out and start writing the new one, the one where we’ll be smarter, thinner, fitter, more efficient, less cluttered, the one where there’ll be no bras beside the computer, no spinach wilting in the fridge, no unwashed dishes or unlaundered clothes or dogs with back problems that require expensive MRIs. . .

Wait. Is that just me? Never mind.

Anyway, I’m not making any resolutions this year. Actually, I never make resolutions, but usually I have a Plan. I definitely had one last year but that didn’t make it past January 19 when the universe hit me with a Zamboni, and then backed up and hit me again. So I have decided that Plans are now in the same category as Resolutions, a waste of time and life. From now on I’m living in the moment because even with the hellish year I had, more than half of the moments were good ones, but I missed them because I was obsessing about the other half (which, to be fair, were trying to kill me).

So from now on, I’m giving up on internal messages like “Why did you do that stupid thing?” and “How are you ever going to fix this in the future?” and just stick with “How’re we doing right now?”

Right now I’m curled up in a warm bed under my favorite quilt with a poodle and a dachshund snoring beside me. We’re doing brilliantly, thanks.

Wishing you nothing but good times ahead in 2013, one moment at a time.

There Is So Much Good in the World

The bad gets the headlines and they’re necessary if we’re ever going to fix things, but the good is out there, too:

Moments That Restore Our Faith in Humanity

Writing Scene: A Review

My McDaniel students are going through hell right now because we’re revising their first scenes, and I, of course, lack tact. In an effort to avoid scars, I gave them a general scene writing review sheet with self-editing questions at the end. Since I haven’t done a decent post here in weeks, and since I don’t see my future becoming any less fraught before 2013, I am giving you the same thing I gave them. One big difference, I’m not harassing you about your writing, line by line. Be grateful, they’re suffering.

Scene Lecture Review:

SCENE: A scene is a unit of conflict between a protagonist and antagonist that escalates through beats into a climax that throws the reader into the next scene.

A scene starts when the conflict starts and ends when the conflict ends. Other clues a scene is over: the antagonist changes, the time changes, the setting changes, but the big one is The Conflict Ends.

CONFLICT: Scenes must have conflict. Not a protagonist in trouble, CONFLICT, an active, ongoing, and escalating struggle between the protagonist and antagonist. If you do not have conflict, you have Chat (see below).

CHARACTER: The reason a scene must have conflict is because people who are not under stress are polite and reasonable, hiding their true selves. Character is displayed through conflict because conflict strips away people’s facades; the stronger the conflict, the stronger the stripper. We connect to flawed characters (depending on the flaw, we’re not going to attach to puppy killers), not flat Nice People, so get those fascinating flaws out there, showcased in conflict.

Conflict also makes a reader takes sides; if the conflict is structured correctly, she or he will side with your protagonist and root for her/him to win and the antagonist to lose. This gives the reader an investment in the outcome and a reason to turn the page.

Another reason scenes must have conflict is because conflict changes character and that moves story. If your character is the same person at the end of the scene that she or he is at the beginning, your story isn’t moving because your conflict isn’t strong enough.

CHAT: Chat is not conflict. Chat is Nice People Exchanging Information. That’s fun for them, but boring for readers. Chat is almost always Stuff You Want the Reader To Know. It is almost never Stuff the Reader Wants To Know. Your reader may humor you and read Chat to get to the story, but if story hasn’t shown up by the end of the scene, your reader is out of there, and some readers will exit if there’s no story on the first page. Chat is Bad. Do Not Chat.

INFODUMP: Infodump happens when you stop the now of the story to unload huge amounts of back story because you think the reader needs to know that to understand your characters and the now of your story. She doesn’t, and even if she does it doesn’t matter because she’s going to skim that big block of text looking for short pieces of text with white space because white space at least means two people are talking. God help her if what they’re saying is Chat or As You Know dialogue (see below). Chat is bad, but you will go to Writer’s Hell if you Infodump.

AYK DIALOGUE: As You Know dialogue. “As you know, Patricia, both our parents died when we were young and we inherited their whaling business and now we’re in danger of losing it because our rat bastard cousin Ahab embezzled our working capital. Pass the ketchup.”

HEADHOPPING: Since one of the things you want your reader to do is attach to your protagonist, if you’re writing third limited, for the love of god, start and stay in her head. Leaping from head to head confuses the reader and destroys any attachment to the protagonist. You know that circle of Writer’s Hell that’s full of Infodumpers? They’re playing a neverending game of Candyland with Headhoppers.

CONCLUSION: Start with a protagonist-with-a-goal and an-antagonist-with-a-goal-that-crosses-the-protagonist. Have them struggle over this goal in escalating beats that end in a climax where one of them wins and one loses and they are thrown into the next scene of the story, separately or together, doesn’t matter, just make the reader turn the page to see what happens next.

Here is your revised Self-Critique List for Scene:

1. Who is my protagonist in this scene?

2. What does she want?

3. Why does she want it?

4. What’s her plan for getting it?

5. Who is my antagonist in this scene?

6. What does he want?

7. Why does he want it?

8. What’s his plan for getting it?

9. Who makes the first move to get his or her goal in this scene? What is it?

10. How does the other character in the conflict respond?

11. How does this response escalate the conflict?

12. Lather, rinse, repeat until . . . Who wins the conflict?

13. How is the protagonist changed by this outcome?

14. How is the antagonist changed by this outcome?

15. How does this outcome make the reader want to turn the page? (Hint: Expectation established during scene.)

16. How does this set up the next scene?

No chat, no infodump, no headhopping, no AKY. No, really, you can’t.

Research Question: Pollyanna

Research help needed here, although for once it’s not for me.

If somebody referred to herself as being like Pollyanna, would you know what that meant or is the source so old it’s passed out of common usage?

Zoe’s Back and Toni’s a Goddess

Four months ago, one of Lani’s cats disappeared. Zoe had always been independent, taking her time about coming home, but when she’d been gone a week and we knew there was a coyote in the woods, we mourned her loss. A good cat, but not faster than a coyote. Tonight, Lani e-mailed me and said, “Zoe’s back!” No idea where she’s been or why she stayed away so long, but she was starving and it’s getting colder, so maybe she decided putting up with four dogs and another cat was worth food and warmth. Big sighs all around and a thank you to the god of cats.

Cheered by this, I went back to work trying to revive You Again and found the perfect placeholder for the house, lots of photos. I checked to see if I’d already started a file in Voodoo and saw the ghosts of all my old files there, taunting me, because I knew they wouldn’t open if I clicked on them since I’d tried that before and gotten a big “not a chance” message from my hard drive. Except they didn’t look like ghost files, the titles were black. So I clicked on the main one and it opened and there everything was; just like Zoe, what was lost is found. The only thing I can think of is that I did that thing that Toni told me to do and nothing happened, so I kept my mouth shut because saying “I did that thing you told me to and nothing happened” would have been rude. Except I think something happened. (Hi, I’m Jenny, and I have no idea how my computer works.) Which means Toni is a goddess and I owe her big. I LOVE YOU, TONI.

So here’s three cheers for Zoe and Toni and the third shoe that is, with any luck, not going to drop, or if it does, it will be the return of something lost and mourned. I’d write more but I have to go gaze lovingly at the over-one-thousand-bits of information that I did not lose after all.

God bless us every one. But especially Zoe and Toni.