Jennifer Crusie's Blog, page 235

Person of Interest: Lady Killer: Utilizing a Large Recurring Cast

By the time you get to the third season of a series (or the third novel in a series), you’ve probably built up an embarrassment of cast riches: there are a lot of people your viewer/reader wants to see again. Plus whatever relationships problems or secrets your central cast has have probably been ironed out, so when everybody gets together, it’s just fun.

Unfortunately, the last thing an exciting story needs is a lot of shiny, happy people, which is why Person of Interest rips our hearts out halfway through this season and stomps them to a pulp.

But before that, they did some fan service and made use of that wonderful extended cast. Here’s what happened before this episode:

“Liberty” – Shaw’s part of the team! And trying really hard to only maim instead of kill. Also, the number is a great guy, Carter is working undercover on her own and collecting evidence on HR, Elias tells her where a good fence is, there’s a great shoot-out where rat bastards kill other rat bastards, and then Elias’s right-hand guy scores the millions and the diamonds, showing that Elias may be underground, but he’s still got the upper hand. And Root’s got a therapist! Plus Reese, Finch, and Harold running the main plot. See what I mean? An embarrassment of cast riches.

“Nothing to Hide” – A son-of-a-bitch number with a new murderous group (and more recurring characters) to save him from–this one’s called Vigilance–because Decima and the government and HR just aren’t enough highly-organized, murderous antagonist groups chasing Our Gang. This is one of those we-didn’t-save-the-number shows, but he’s such an awful, awful person (he hits Finch!) that we kind of cheer when Reese fails.

And then comes “Lady Killer.” I have to admit, this is not the strongest number of the week plot. Its biggest payoffs happen because a lot of people we like are here doing very good work to save him: Zoe and Shaw and Carter go clubbing to catch a serial killer who preys on women with the help of Finch, Reese, Fusco, and Bear, while Root and her psychiatrist and Hersh rampage through the excellent subplot.

So you have a huge cast (say the Archers, the Goodnights, and the Dempseys, oh my) all occupying the same story space. How are you going to handle that?

Do what the PoI writers did:

• Make sure everybody is really necessary to the story you’re telling. You’ll notice that Leon did not make an appearance. Neither did Elias. You can argue that they needed Zoe for bait as a generic Hot Woman, but what they really needed her for was access to the rat-bastard-antagonist, something only Zoe the Fixer could provide. They needed the Root subplot to show the Machine playing its game on multiple fronts. Nobody just showed up to say hi. Even Bear is there to show Shaw’s evolution from cold-stone killer to Bear’s Best Friend.

• Make sure everybody’s role in this specific story is clear and that it relies on that character’s personality and skills. One of my favorite moments in this episode is the number walking in and seeing each of the women. Zoe’s self-confident, Shaw gives him a basilisk stare, and then he finds Joss and she smiles because she’s an undercover cop. It’s fun because we get to see our favorites in action, but it also moves story and tells us a lot about the number.

• Play the relationships that make a recurring cast fun. Reese is worried about Carter letting her guard down; their relationship has grown really tight from mutual respect. Shaw tells him Carter’s not letting her guard down, that Carter’s doing everything exactly right; Shaw and Carter have a new and growing relationship because Shaw respects how smart and skilled Carter is. We like these people, we want them respecting and caring about each other in the context of the story. That conversation held over drinks wouldn’t have a fraction of the impact that it has because it’s played over Reese and Shaw both looking through gunsights on a rooftop, prepared to shoot anybody who attacks Carter. That setting makes it part of the story.

• Make sure everybody arcs because of what happens in the story. It may seem as though Zoe’s the same person–Zoe’s pretty much impervious–but at the end she’s having a drink with two friends, which is probably not something she does without a professional angle as a fixer. Also see Shaw and Bear, and Root and the Machine.

Basically, you can do all the fan service you want as long as every fan service move is also an essential story move. Story first, always, always, always.

So what’s with that subplot then? How does shoehorning in the Great Loony Bin Escape fit with reuniting dad and son? Well, it doesn’t. It fits with the character arcs and the relationship arcs that the minimal number plot exploits to the hilt. It’s not that we’re not happy that the number gets his son, it’s that the recurring characters are doing so much while they make that happen. We’re in it for the people and the relationships this week, even more than most episodes. So let’s look at the subplot again.

Root’s been talking with her smug psychiatrist (psychologist? therapist?) for three episodes now, and it’s clear that he has no idea who he’s dealing with. It also becomes clear in her conversations with him that the Machine is trying to guide Root back to sanity, teaching her not to kill, to rely on the AI’s guidance, to be patient until she’s achieved mental equilibrium. Just as Carter, Shaw, and Zoe are forming a relationship in the main plot, just as Reese and Shaw are settling into an equal partnership, just as the Gang’s mutual respect for each other is reinforced, so Root and the Machine have come to an understanding and a partnership. As Root tells the psychiatrist, there are things the Machine can’t do; that’s what she needs Root for. The Machine needs Root the same way Finch needs his Gang: sometimes you need somebody active who can do things you can’t.

But I think there’s an even better parallel: Shaw. Shaw is a cold, solitary person, completely devoted to her job as a killing machine, until she meets the Gang and begins to form bonds, with Harold teaching her not to kill people. Root is a cold, solitary person completely devoted to her job as a computer hacker genius criminal, until she connects with the Machine and forms a bond, with the Machine teaching her not to kill people. These are two characters who are being led out of exile into community. Root’s journey is more mythic than Shaw’s which is rooted in reality: She’s convinced that the Machine is a kind of God–a theory that seems less insane the farther we go in this series–so you can see her time in the mental institution as her time in the wilderness, separated from civilization, a vision quest with tranquilizers and anti-psychotics. And when the time comes, the Machine leads her out of exile in a precision escape that leaves dozens unconscious, one wounded, nobody dead, and Root and the Machine as one terrifyingly efficient entity, just as in the next episode, Shaw will finish her journey and become a permanent part of the Gang. They’re both lethal, they’re both borderline sociopathic, and now they’re both part of something bigger.

Thank God they’re both on our side.

Weakest Parts

• The missing persons flyer is never addressed again. Loose ends are bad.

• Hersh as this week’s Exposition Fairy, explaining things to Control on the phone that Control already knows; that’s just clumsy infodump.

Smart Story Moves

• Showing Root’s evolution through the psychiatrist. I love every scene they’re in for all three of the first episodes in this season.

• The reversal that changes the number from a predator to a victim.

• “Alex is the heir, not the help.” Make your antagonist show you how evil he is.

• Showing Root’s escape, which is just freaking brilliant, all the time talking to the Machine, especially the last beat when the Machine won’t let her kill. It’s a very complex plot move, and the story shows it all very clearly without telling anything.

Favorite Moments

• Reese and Shaw in the boat. If you ever had any doubts that they’d never be lovers, it’s right here. They’re basically the same person, struggling to occupy the same space. They might learn to share, but they’re not going to like it.

• “Our guy just went from blueblood to hipster faster than you can say ‘ironic facial hair.'”

• The way they have the three women dressed; they look like they’re in armor, going off to do battle. Nothing fussy to get in their way. The shoes are not practical, but we can’t have everything.

• Shaw telling Carter that she can borrow her new gun any time. I love how excited they both are (Shaw shows emotion!).

• Reese gave Zoe a pink taser. I’m 99% sure the pink was ironic.

• “Really? A yoga instructor?”

• I would watch a show about Carter, Zoe, and Shaw every week, especially if they’re rescuing Reese from a refrigerator. And it wouldn’t be called Finch’s Angels, either. Chicks of Prey, maybe. No, that’s not right, either. Suggestions for titles in the comments, please.

• The way Fusco and Reese stick to Carter on the street even though she could probably take down the bad guy on her own. It shows how much of an emotional bond they have, especially Fusco saying, “Don’t go home, okay?” while she’s being tailed.

• Shaw bonding with Bear.

• Shaw: “What’s he doing? Should I shoot him?”

• Shaw: “Guys these days have so many emotions. They cry. They want to be held. I just don’t know what to do with them.”

• Okay, Shaw in general.

• “Are you as excited about this as I am?” And the phone rings.

• Zoe, Joss, and Shaw in the bar after they’ve saved the number. Really, I would watch every week.

• The expression on the psychiatrist’s face when he sees Hersh and realized Root isn’t crazy, at least not about the things she’s told him.

• How calm Root is because she has the Machine, especially the last move when she shoots Hersh.

• “Really? Even this guy?”

Ominous Moment

Harold walking through the unconscious bodies in the mental hospital as the psychiatrist staggers past in shock, Hersh bleeding but alive on the floor, and Root out on the loose . . .

Subsequently on PoI:

“Reasonable Doubt:” A lovely, twisty plot about a woman who may or may not have killed her husband that Reese solves by leaving a gun on a table. My guess: Somebody on the writing staff was getting divorced because that’s the second murderous matrimony plot.

New PoI Post

Tomorrow: 3-5 Razgovor (Kenneth Fink): Character Arc through Relationships

The post Person of Interest: Lady Killer: Utilizing a Large Recurring Cast appeared first on Argh Ink.

Sunday Notes

Here’s the Pratchett quote Gin recommended (thank you, Gin!):

I think Pratchett is more quotable than the Bible or Shakespeare, but that may just be because I like Pratchett better than the Bible or Shakespeare.

Then, a head’s up. There’ll be a book out in October with my name on it called It Must Be Christmas. It’s an anthology of Christmas novellas. Since I’ve only ever written one Christmas novella, guess what’s in it? Again. You have been warned.

Then in iZombie last week, Liv ate the brain of a Type A over-achiever in an Asian dish from Taipei:

From the AV Club comments:

The Meal: Steak & brain stir fry (with broccoli, bell peppers, and onions) over noodles

The Heat: Topped with what looked like cayenne – or Thai? – peppers

The Case: Taipei/Type A.

More here:

http://goodcomics.comicbookresources....

The rest of that quote is “A person ignorant of the possibility of failure can be a half-brick in the path of the bicycle of history.” Or somebody who finishes a book.

Which reminds me: I’m still working on Nita because if I stop, I might lose it, even though it’s not really a book:

Oh and I have a question for anybody who’s good at Latin.

Is the plural of Emeritus Emeriti? As in the previous Devils are each a Devil Emeritus, so the three of them would be the Emeriti, the way the Supreme Court is colloquially referred to as the Supremes?

Only in this case:

Also, I’m pretty sure the book club book is going to be a Pratchett. Because it’s my book club, that’s why.

My brain is fried because I’ve been doing math and science (don’t ever make up a story that involves supernatural worlds on different time lines because then you have to map out time and EXPLAIN things) so I don’t have a big WIP for this week. But I have some magnificent math and science notes and about 8000 words of a novella that will probably never go anywhere because it has no plot. A lot of you have already seen the first scene, so that’s a disappointment, too. I’d try to do better, but I’m actually so lost in the Nita book that I’m writing about giant goats and equilibrium. You’ll just have to make to with Courtney (who, by no coincidence whatsoever, made her first appearance in that Christmas novella I was talking about).

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Cherry Saturday 4-9-2016

April is National Humor Month.

Shirley, you knew that.

The post Cherry Saturday 4-9-2016 appeared first on Argh Ink.

The Devil in Nita Dodd, Scene 2 Revision

Again, thank you very much for the critiques, Kelly S, Office Wench, S, Micki, Amy, and Reb! Here’s the revision. Keep in mind, this will change again and again, and will definitely have to be cut; it’s way too long. But it does try to solve the problems in the previous draft that you all pointed out in your critiques.

***************

When Nick Borgia came out of the hellhole Vinnie Smith called his office, carrying the fiction that Vinnie called his ledgers, Vinnie was behind the bar, a glass in one hand and a bottle of whiskey labeled “Demon Rum” in the other, the picture of thuggish misery.

Nick went around to the front of the bar and dumped the ledgers. “Vinnie, your bookkeeping is worse than your housekeeping.” He looked around the ugly, empty bar. “And your decorating.”

Vinnie raised his bald head, ruddy in the reflection of the many neon flames he’d slathered over the matte black walls of Hell Bar. “Joey’s dead.”

“I know.” Nick pointed to the bullet holes in his jacket and shirt. “I was there. Now about your suppliers. This Mr. Lemon . . .”

“Joey’s dead,” Vinnie said.

Nick frowned at him. “He’s fine. He’s just moved on to another world. Now about Mr. Lemon–”

“Don’t give me that religious crap,” Vinnie said. “He’s dead and it’s my fault.”

“Really,” Nick said, interested now. “How is that?”

Vinnie shook his head and poured another drink, so Nick reached over the bar, took a glass, and poured himself one, too.

He took one sip, winced, and put the glass down. “Your liquor is terrible, too.” He picked up the bottle, which was green with a large demon face on it. “I assume this is for the tourists?”

“I rented you the apartment upstairs,” Vinnie said. “Not this bar.” He focused on the ledgers. “Were you in my office? Get out.”

Nick put the bottle back on the bar. “Your books have many references to a Mr. Lemon.”

Vinnie leaned on the bar, more for support than for menace. “I said, Get out!”

Nick sat down on one of the ugly black barstools. “If you really want me out, tell me about Mr. Lemon.”

“And if I don’t?” Vinnie snorted. “Whaddaya gonna do?”

“Vinnie, somebody just put many bullets through me to shoot Joey. Shouldn’t that tell you something?”

“Tells me that you’re bad news, you tricky bastard. Get out of here.” Vinnie picked up the bottle again and then stood looking at it, as if he’d forgotten what it was for.

“Vinnie, cooperate. I’ve been on this island for two days looking for answers, and everything leads me back here to a dead end. Tell me about Mr. Lemon.”

“No,” Vinnie said.

The eight-foot run of neon flames next to the street door fell and shattered on the sticky black floor.

“Hey!” Vinnie peered into the gloom.

“Tell me about Mr. Lemon, Vinnie,” Nick said, keeping his voice friendly.

“No. You get out–”

Three more runs of flame fell and smashed, leaving that side wall empty of neon.

Nick brushed off the few chips of glass that had reached the bar and looked back at the naked black wall. “So much better.” He sipped his drink again and winced. “So much worse.” He pushed the glass toward Vinnie, who picked it up and drained it. “Now about Mr. Lemon.”

“I can’t,” Vinnie said, and all the neon on the other side of the bar fell, too, leaving Vinnie with only the three-foot run of flames behind him.

“Talk to me, Vinnie,” Nick said, his voice gentle.

“It’s gonna cost me to replace that.” Vinnie poured another drink.

“It’s so much better without it.” Nick looked around. “Still vile, of course, but so much better. New paint, refinish the floor, get some drinkable liquor, you’ll have yourself . . . a not-as-vile bar.”

“Takes money,” Vinnie said. “You’re gonna pay for that neon.”

Nick looked back at him. “Aren’t you curious as to how I made it fall off the wall?”

Vinnie opened his mouth and then stopped. “Hey, how did you do that?”

Vinnie hadn’t been one of the world’s faster thinkers in the two days Nick had known him, but he hadn’t been this slow. Demon rum, Nick thought, and then wondered if that were literally true. “So Mr. Lemon supplies your booze?”

“I’m not saying.” Vinnie tried to lean on the bar and missed.

Nick regarded him, exasperated. “I’m constrained by free will here, Vinnie. You have to be of sound mind to deal with me. How much have you had to drink?”

“Not enough,” Vinnie said morosely. “Not enough to make up for Joey. Not enough to tell you about Mr. Lemon, neither.”

Nick nodded. “Okay. Listen carefully.”

Vinnie squinted at him.

“I have come here to Demon Island to solve a problem. Your bar seems to be the focal point for much of the traffic causing this problem. Therefore I need to examine everything and everyone having to do with this bar. Do you understand that?”

Vinnie thought about it and nodded. “You’re a Fed. I ain’t sellin’ drugs.”

“I’m not a Fed,” Nick said. “I know you’re not selling drugs.”

“I buy my liquor legal.”

“I know.”

Vinnie thought hard again. “There’s nothing to find out.”

“Vinnie, you’re trafficking in demons.”

Vinnie frowned at him, legitimately confused. “Demons ain’t real. That’s just a tourist thing. Demon Island, Demon Rum, ball caps with horns, that crap. It’s why I named the bar Hell. And put up them flames.” He looked proud for a moment and then seemed to remember that his neon was no more. “I really loved them flames.”

“Demons are real, Vinnie. And I think they’re coming onto this island through your bar.”

“Nah.” Vinnie shook his head and almost fell over. “Nah. I ain’t never seen one.”

“They look a lot like human beings. You wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.”

“They ain’t real,” Vinnie said and drank again.

Nick counted to ten and tried again. “Vinnie, I’m pretty sure there’s a hellgate in your bar somewhere and I am going to find it. And then I’m going to close it. And then I’m going to find the demon on this island who built it and drag him back where he belongs. But to do all of that, I’m going to have to take this place apart. . The boys are already working on the apartment I rent. They’ll be down here next. And then I’m going to have to talk to everybody you do business with. Do you understand?”

“I ain’t talking to you about Mr. Lemon,” Vinnie said.

“Which is why we’re going into partnership.” So that I never have to have this conversation with you again.

Vinnie snorted. “You ain’t never gonna be my partner.”

One of the blackened, splintered tables by the front door caught fire.

“Hey!” Vinnie said, and then the next table went up, and the next until all thirty tables were aflame. And then they weren’t, they were just thirty pieces of fragile table-shaped ash.

Nick smiled at Vinnie, and the ash tables collapsed into ash piles. “Vinnie, this bar is an insult to a very fine, very old institution. In exchange for your help, I am willing to fix that. After I tear it apart, of course.”

“People like it,” Vinnie said sullenly.

“You’ve had maybe half a dozen people in here in the past two nights.”

“It’s the off-season.”

All the chairs burst into flame and became ash-chairs.

Vinnie froze, his drink halfway to his mouth, and a moment later the chairs collapsed into piles of ash.

“You bastard,” Vinnie said, without heat, and took another drink.

“Here’s the deal, Vinnie,” Nick said, also without heat. “You’re taking me on as a partner. I’ll get this place–” He looked around in contempt. “—fixed, after we search it.” He looked at the bottle on the bar. “And I’ll order the liquor. I will even straighten out your books, Belia help me. And in return you will give me access to everything and tell me everything you know, especially about Mr. Lemon.”

Vinnie glowered at him. “I don’t think–”

The last of the neon flames behind him creaked on the wall.

“No,” Vinnie said, and then looked around as two boys dressed in hoodies and jeans came clattering down the back stairs and into the bar, one tall, dark, and slender and one short, chunky, and blond, just your average twenty-something college students.

“I suppose you’re gonna have your goons beat me up now.”

“Did he just call us goons?” the blond one said.

“We’re done with the upstairs part,” the dark one said to Nick. “Bathroom finished tomorrow morning.. Back room still needs cleaned up, but you’re not using it, so we’ll do that later. Attic’s empty now. So far, nothing.”

Nick nodded. “Good. Clean this mess up. Take all the walls on this floor down to the brick and the studs, just like upstairs. Clear out the cellar if there is one and strip it down, too. When you have the place gutted, get the floors refinished. Get the plywood out of the front window and replace it with safety glass.” He thought of Joey. “No, with bulletproof glass. Do the same thing upstairs with the apartment windows. And keep your eyes open. You know what we’re looking for.”

“Same terms as before?” the dark one said.

“Yes.”

“Cool,” the blond said. “I like it down here.”

“Does that go?” the dark one said, pointing toward the last of red neon flames behind Vinnie.

Vinnie whimpered.

“No, we’ll keep that,” Nick said, taking pity on him. “Clean it up. Put a mirror behind it or whatever will make it look ironic instead of cheap.”

“Ironic,” the dark one said.

“All this is gonna take some time,” the blond said.

“Two days at least, hell time,” the dark one said.

“Probably more,” Nick said. “In fact, I may have permanent jobs for you down here.”

“We could talk about that,” the dark one said.

“We’ll do anything,” the blond one said. “It’s great down here.”

Nick turned back to Vinnie. “Vinnie meet Joey’s replacements, your new bouncers, delivery men, and bartenders.”

“I’m not partners with you,” Vinnie said. “And I’m not hiring them.”

“Does he know who he’s talking to?” the blond one said to Nick.

“Free will,” Nick said. “He has to agree.”

The dark one nodded, looking around. “Explains what happened here.”

“Who the fuck are you?” Vinnie said, scowling at the boys.

“They’re demons,” Nick told him. “This is Daglas.” Nick gestured to the dark one who held out his hand to Vinnie.

“Pleased to meet you, sir,” Daglas said to Vinnie, who shook his hand, confused.

“And this is Rabiel.”

Rabiel stuck out his hand and shook Vinnie’s with enthusiasm. “This is gonna be great.”

Vinnie looked at Nick. “Who are these guys? Who the fuck are you?”

“As I’ve told you, several times, I’m the Devil. And Daglas and Rabiel are demons. Fallen angels. As you can see from their ages, it didn’t take them long to fall.”

“It was my fault,” Rabiel said. “Daglas just got thrown out with me.”

“It’s fine,” Daglas said.

“I don’t believe it,” Vinnie said. “This is some kind of con.”

Nick sighed. “Show him.”

Daglas and Rabiel looked at each other and then back at Vinnie, and before his eyes morphed into green-skinned, black-eyed versions of their former selves.

Vinnie stared at them.

“Demons,” Nick said, feeling like he might finally be making progress.

Vinnie turned shocked eyes to Nick. “Can you do that?”

“No, I’m human.”

Vinnie’s eyes dropped to the bullet holes in Nick’s shirt. “Then why aren’t you dead?”

“Because I’m already dead, Vinnie. That’s how I got to Hell in the first place.”

“And now he runs the place,” Rabiel said cheerfully.

“And now I’m going to run this place, too,” Nick said. “Because I think Hell should have control of its gates. Say yes, and I’ll make you a rich man.”

“You’ll get me killed,” Vinnie said, staring wild-eyed at the boys.

“Then I’ll have your back in the Afterlife. You can’t lose.”

Vinnie looked at green Daglas and Rabiel and then back at Nick as it all soaked in. “I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

“Yes,” Nick said. “You have free will. You can say no.”

“And then you set me on fire,” Vinnie said.

“NO,” Nick said, his patience at an end. “YOU HAVE FREE WILL, VINNIE.” He held up his hand and a contract appeared in it, flaming. “SIGN HERE OF YOUR OWN FREE WILL, DAMN IT.”

He slapped the contract on the bar, and Vinnie looked into his eyes and took a step back.

“Here’s a pen,” Daglas said, and Vinnie looked down at the pen held in green fingers and back at Nick.

Nick let his façade slip just enough for Vinnie to see the skull beneath the skin. “SIGN IT.”

Vinnie took the pen and signed the contract.

“It’ll be okay, Vinnie,” Nick said, his voice gentle again. “You’ll be making more money than you ever have, and I’ll never take the bar from you. If I disappear, it reverts to you. That’s in the contract.”

Vinnie nodded.

“He’s pretty drunk,” Daglas said. “Is that legal?”

“I’ll get him to look at it again tomorrow,” Nick said. “As long as he says yes when he’s sober, we’re good. A verbal agreement is binding. And by Friday, you’ll have this place cleaned up and be working for him. That’ll make him happy.”

Daglas looked at Vinnie, who was staring, shocked, at all of them. “Yeah, he’ll be thrilled.”

“The green,” Nick said, and Daglas and Rabiel reverted to normal-looking college guys. “Okay, you know what to do. It’s Monday. We’re opening again on Friday. Earth time. And I want my bathroom finished tomorrow, too. I’m not going to be here much longer, but there are minimum standards.”

“Got it,” Daglas said.

“We won’t let you down, boss.” Rabiel looked at Vinnie. “How do we learn to bartend?”

Vinnie pulled a book out from under the bar and put it down carefully on the marble bar top.

“Cool,” Rabiel said. “Thanks.” He took the book and put it in the front of his hoodie and followed Daglas out the back.

“How are they gonna get this done by Friday?” Vinnie said, concentrating on the stuff he understood.

“They work like demons.”

That took Vinnie a minute. “I got nothin’ to pay them.”

“They’re paid in earth time. And whatever cash you paid Joey as a bouncer/bartender/delivery guy.”

“Earth time?”

“It’s about twenty-to-one,” Nick said, and when Vinnie looked confused, he said, “I’ve been here two days, but I’ve been out of the office in hell for about two hours. So they’re getting twenty times the hours they spending working in free time here. Where there are girls.”

“There aren’t any girl demons?” Vinnie said appalled.

“There are, but not as many,” Nick said. “Female angels don’t fall as often as male angels do.”

“Women are just nicer than men,” Vinnie said, nodding.

“No, Vinnie,” Nick said. “Women are just smarter than men. And now we’re partners, so about Mr. Lemon–”

The street door opened, and Vinnie looked past him and said, “Oh, fuck.”

“What now?” Nick said.

“Spooky Dodd.”

“What?” Nick turned around and saw three people coming toward him: a dark-haired woman, a taller dark-haired man who looked like her, and a shorter, prettier blonde in glasses who didn’t look anything at all like her.

The woman in front wasn’t anything special to look at– medium height, medium weight, dark hair, dark jacket –until she got close enough for Nick to see her eyes. Darker than dark, her irises were almost the same black as her pupils. And when she reached him, he could feel the cold coming off her, not a lot, but it was there: she brought down the temperature around her.

“Hi, Spooky,” Vinnie said to her.

“Call me that again, and I’ll shoot you,” she said, her voice flat and low, and then she turned to look at Nick, the full force of those cold eyes meeting his.

“I’m Detective Dodd,” she was saying to him. “And you are?”

“Hello, Detective Dodd,” Nick said to her, holding out his hand. “I’m the Devil.”

“So I’ve heard,” she said and turned back to Vinnie.

She was cold and sharp and dark, and there was something else, lurking beneath the surface.

You’re not entirely human, are you, Detective Dodd?

If he was right about Mr. Lemon, the guy had been on Demon Island for three hundred years. He could wait a few minutes.

Nick sat down to watch.

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Using Critiques to Rewrite

Okay, it took me awhile to rewrite the second scene because I was writing on in the book. The farther you go, the more you understand the beginning.

My first beginning, the first chunk I sent to Lani, was way too fast. Here’s our e-mails on that:

*****

Lani to Jenny

I don’t think truly critical feedback at this stage in any project is a good idea, but I’ll give you my impressions as they come up.

–I like Chloe Button; that’s cute

–I also like that she’s chipperish. I choose not to be offended.

–I like Mort

–I like Nick and Nita; it has a Nick and Nora rhythm to it; a fun couple

–I like Nita’s edge; the idea that she might be an alcoholic, or at least Mort seems to be worried that there’s trouble there.

–I like that he’s hot and she’s cold and that’s weird

–I like Vinnie, and the uselessness of lies. I like that Nita can tell if someone is a killer by touching their hand, her connection to Death is neat. It’s a mystery, but the clues are much more interesting

–“Too late, but I admire your proactive spirit.” LOL

–Love the worlds colliding, the elasticity of reality

–Mitzi’s gonna be fun to play with

Okay, it’s not garbage. It’s just discovery writing. You’ve got a very, very cool world built here, and I love the details. You’ve set everything up and explained it for yourself, now you’ve got to anchor yourself in Nita and Nick and tell their stories. Slow it all down a bit and anchor it back in the characters. What does Nita want? What does Nick want? And then solve the murder (such a cool way to tell murder mysteries). It’s great!

Jenny to Lani:

Actually, I need truly critical.

Can you give me a paragraph on what’s wrong? I know a lot is, it won’t squelch me if I decide to do this. I really need the critical. Don’t read it again, just what you remember, if you can.

Lani to Jenny:

It’s too light and moves too fast. It reads like a sketch of the world, not a scene in a story. I think you need to be deeper in Nita’s POV. It’s 50 pages of explosive information, most of it delivered in dialogue as everyone suddenly reveals the world to Nita. I love the details of it, but it reads like discovery writing. You can afford to move slower, to have Nita investigate the reality of her world as well as Vinnie’s murder. Have her in search of the truth, rather than just passively receiving it.

For Nick, he doesn’t have a goal or anything really motivating him, at least not that I picked up on. I think he needs to need something from this world, maybe even from Nita. They’re both kind of passive.

It feels like your focus here is on revealing the world, rather than telling the story. And it’s an awesome world, I love it. But there’s no story happening yet.

*******

So that was excellent, and I slowed down, realized that the first 14K I had was probably the first act, so that I had a lot more time to establish everybody and the world before I dropped the bomb in the bar at the end of the day. I went back and retooled and put up the second scene because we were talking about critiques. This is where I thank Kelly S, Office Wench Cherry, S, Micki, Amy, and Reb for their good work.

So one critique question at a time:

1. Who’s the protagonist and what’s her/his goal?

KELLY: Nick – find out who Mr. Lemon is; shifts to “become Vinnie’s partner so I can learn who Mr. Lemon is”; I feel compelled to note that when I read Nick, I found him to be laid back and amused. He didn’t seem overly bothered, put out, put upon or anything. Like he knew he’d get what he wanted eventually. Time wasn’t a thing for him even though I read he’d been there 2 days and had a reason to pursue Mr. Lemon that implied some urgency.

OFFICE WENCH: Nick. He’s got a problem and he’s pretty sure Vinnie has got a piece of the answer. He wants that piece.

S: Nick and he wants info. Don’t know what is at stake and he hardly seems desperate to get the info so it feels low-key and informational. Vinnie doesn’t seem to be in danger, defying Nick.

MICKI: Vinnie (because he’s not shaping any of the action) Goal: To Forget

AMY: Nick wants to get information from Vinnie

REB: Goal: starts at get info from Vinnie. Seems to be patiently determined about it. Goal morphed halfway through to include setting the bar right, not sure why. For the challenge?

So my protagonist is clear (Micki, we’ll review protagonist and antagonist later). That’s good. The fact that there’s no sense of high stakes for his goal is not. I want Nick in this first scene to be calm and in control, a literal master of a universe, because that gives me the place to start taking him apart. But that also means that there’s not a lot of arc in this scene: Nick knows he’s going to win, so he’s just patiently wearing Vinnie down. Must think about how to keep what I need for Nick’s character arc while still arcing the scene.

2. Who’s the antagonist and what’s his/her goal?

KELLY: Vinnie – get rid of Nick so he can mourn Joey and get his life back

OFFICE WENCH: Vinnie. He does not want to give Nick the puzzle piece because he’s scared of Mr. Lemon and he’s not scared of Nick, even though Nick is trashing his bar without moving.

S: Vinnie. Wants to be left alone to get drunk. Static – ‘leave me as I am.’

MICKI: Ol’ Nick. Goal: To get info about Mr. Lemon out of Vinnie. (But aren’t there easier ways, as the Devil? Proximity is good, too.) As the Devil, what can he do? Can he pop in and out of places automatically? Can he pop in and out of time? If so, he could instantly be in contact with other informants. Or even spy on Vinnie during the last time he was in touch with Mr. Lemon when Mr. Lemon was in the bar. (I suspect Mr. Lemon may be associated with the cleaning staff, and goes by the code-name “Lemon” when doing his evil deeds.)

Or, as Devil, can he cast runes? Read tea leaves? Burn whiskey and read the future or the past in the flames? With any kind of accuracy?

I didn’t even think of popping Vinnie on a spit and roasting him over some flames until I read the other comments. That absolutely isn’t right for the story. That would be a huge mistake for this story. But, something needs to clarify why Nick can’t do that. But this problem will be easy to fix — Hell is such a bureaucracy. In ALL the stories, the Devil really is so confined in his dealings with living mortals.

AMY: Vinnie doesn’t want to give said information to Nick.

REB: Vinnie. Goal: peace

And the antagonist is clear. That’s really all I need from those two questions. Okay, the fact that there’s only two characters in this scene makes that easy but if there were more and people were picking characters who weren’t the central conflict, I’d know my conflict was screwed up.

3. What’s the conflict and who wins?

KELLY: Vinnie completely loses, but Nick only becomes his partner (secondary goal to get to the first) but didn’t find out who Mr. Lemon is. A step forward but not a total win.

OFFICE WENCH: There’s really no clear winner. Nick gets to be partner but he doesn’t get the information out of Vinnie because they are interrupted by Nita and company, so he’s only half way there.

S: Nick wins but it seems contrived. Not sure why the Devil has to become a partner to get info out of a human.

MICKI: Partial victory for Nick; he gets into a partnership (which is kind of like the metagoal — team these guys up together). He doesn’t get the info he’s seeking, but he’s a step closer — almost there before our Detective Dodd shows up with her posse.

AMY: The goal is the information but I’m not really sure what the stakes are. For either of them actually. Neither wins but a partnership is formed.

REB: Nick wins.

So my big problem here is clarity. I had another scene later where Nick explained things because I thought he wouldn’t tell everything right off the bat. This part of the critique made me take that later scene and combine it with this one. It’s a lot longer now, but I think the questions are answered.

4. What needs work (the part where you were bored, the parts you didn’t understand, the parts you didn’t believe, etc.)?

KELLY: Vinnie believes Nick broke the neon and burned the tables but not that he’s the Devil so how is Nick doing it? The liquor must be making him very apathetic. You do point out he’s dimmer than normal in this scene. I trust you’re trying to convene that Mr. Lemon is scarier than a man claiming to be the Devil who has started destroying your furnishings and could easily do that to you too.

OFFICE WENCH: Something about Vinnie’s reaction to Nick seems off. Why is he scared of Mr. Lemon and not Nick, who is trashing his bar while not moving off his bar stool? He’s not even batting an eye. (Not part of the critique: Has Mr. Lemon convinced people he’s the big boss and all of Nick’s antics are less than impressive?) This bit is hard because I have some ideas based on what you’ve said but if this were my first time in this universe, I’d be confused because, drunk and grieving or not, falling neon and flaming tables would get my attention.

S: Doesn’t seem believable that the Devil would have to put all this razzmataz into frightening a human. Would have to understand why he can’t just pop Vinnie’s eyeball in and out until he gives up the info. Nick seems to be constrained by rules that we don’t understand yet, that limit his powers. Also, if he is supernatural, then why doesn’t he just know the information? So maybe we need more insight into the rules of this story world, via Nick’s thoughts. You’d get great inner conflict if he wants to flame-roast the insolent barkeep but can’t. Vinnie is static – his constant response is ‘no’ until it’s finally ‘yes’. I think it’s because Vinnie doesn’t have an agenda/goal he is actively pursuing. So there isn’t an escalation in the scene – the ‘yes’ seems abrupt. I also question why the Devil has to tear stuff off the walls and set fire to things – seem like tricks for an all-powerful creature. Why wouldn’t he just slam the bartender up against the ceiling and peel his skin off, for example? Why does he have to contrive to become a partner in the business to get info – that doesn’t seem like the behaviour of a powerful creature? Is he constrained by rules that prevent him just wringing the info out of the human – if so, that would be really interesting to know more about because he’d be pretty frustrated at having to set fire to a table instead of the bartender. Also, doesn’t he mind the disrespect from the human? Nothing worse than being all-powerful and nobody takes you seriously. Would expect him to have a larger ego – would have comedic potential.

MICKI: I feel that Vinnie could back out of the partnership when he’s sober. What would make it more permanent? Also, there’s a lot of no-ing. I know there “should” be three refusals, but this doesn’t feel quite right. When the neon starts falling down, I’m not quite sure why it’s doing that. But attacking the light (and the bad decor) seems really right. Cultural memes for “magic going on here” are twitching noses, waving wands, waving hands/fingers, a blink, etc. Cheesy? Not cheesy? I’m not fully engaged until Detective Dodd comes in for the mini-scene at the end. This has nothing to do with the previous scene, but it’s great, snappy and full of promise. Looking at it, it’s actually three scenes. Vinnie vs. Nick; Vinnie vs. Dodd (for two paragraphs?), and then Nick vs. Dodd. Dodd is shaping that mini-scene at the end; Nick changes from mild interest to Wowza! (or demonic equivalent).

AMY: I’m probably just stupid but I didn’t get the reason for the neon lights falling at first, even though I knew going in that Nick was the Devil. The whole interaction between Nick and Vinnie is promising, so please, please, please don’t cut it, but right now it feels a bit cold. I don’t feel like I’m in Nick’s POV mostly because I have no idea how he feels about the interaction. Is he annoyed at Vinnie? Vaguely amused? Frustrated he can’t get the info on Mr. Lemon? Does Nick enjoy his powers? Or is he irritated that he can’t just snap his fingers and make Vinnie’s head pop and get the info he wants? Or maybe Nick is bored with his powers/abilities to scare Vinnie (same old, same old) and that’s why, when Nita enters, he perks up in interest? Because he senses she’s immune to his power? Hmm, this thought made me go back and read these lines again:

“She was cold and sharp, and there was something else, lurking beneath the surface.

You’re not entirely human, are you, Detective Dodd?”

Okay, maybe THAT’S why Nick perks up when Nita enters? Because he finally feels challenged because his power are limited when it comes to Nita?

REB: Agree that Vinnie was taking lack of reaction to an extreme. Need a little more context about why, though not a lot more. I also didn’t expect Nick to physically torture Vinnie, Nick just doesn’t feel evil like that. Extremely self-centred, yes. Evil, no. Also the name Lemon grated on me. It just felt fake.

Again, a clarity problem. I want Nick very calm, doesn’t get angry, but if people are wondering why, I have to make that clear, along with the constraints he’s under. Vinnie’s refusing to give the bar up because (a) why would he? and (b) he’s in shock from Joey’s death, feeling guilty. So that has to go on the page.

5. What must be kept (when I rewrite this, what parts must I refrain from cutting)?

KELLY: “who didn’t look anything like her” – it really emphasizes that the focus is on the average looking woman – “Spooky Dodd” aka Nita. I also really like Nick and Nita’s exchange

OFFICE WENCH: Loved the 30 pieces of ash, the Spooky Dodd, love, love, love how Nick changes his focus because it’s not based on Nita being a woman, it’s based on her being not 100% human. Love how Nita dismisses him out of hand. Love how competent Nita is, which you can see from Vinnie’s reaction and how she ignores Nick.

S: Like Spooky’s entrance and Nick’s interest in her. I like her hidden depths and her air of competence.

MICKI: Well, you are going to have to get Vinnie and Nick together somehow. Keep that. I love the tables and chairs turning to ash, like the march of time has suddenly accelerated. And that last bit? Dodd’s smart mouth? Oh, yes, yes, yes! Keep that!

AMY: I vote to keep it all – I like all the action, I just need more reaction on Nick’s part so I can connect with him better.

REB: Loved the dialog between Nick and Vinnie. Loved the way Nick thought death wasn’t a big deal and Vinnie thought that was religious crap. Please keep that line! Love Nita’s instant dismissal of Nick.

The interesting thing here for me is that everybody focused on the very end with Nita; makes me think the stuff with Vinnie might be boring? Must ask critique people.

6. What do you expect/hope will happen after this?

KELLY: I’m interested in the interrogation that Nick is about to watch. I’m anticipating a snarky, fun conversation where Nita is going to be horribly frustrated by a dimwitted Vinnie but will end up sparring with Nick. She’ll be intelligent. However, given that you’ve told us it is her world that breaks first, I expect she’ll lose the next round.

OFFICE WENCH: I’m not exactly sure what I’m expecting, but I know it’s going to be good. There’s a bunch of mysteries to be solved: How did Nick survive? Is he the Devil? Is he a bad guy?(He’s a POV character so probably not, but stranger things have happened. Raymond Reddington is not exactly pure as the driven snow and he always has an agenda and I lurv him.) If Nita’s not all human, what is she? (and from scene 1, is Morte human or not??) What’s the deal with Mr. Lemon? On a purely gleeful level, I’m expecting Nita to shoot Nick down at every opportunity and that there will be banter. And, eventually, sex.

S: I hope Nick finds Spooky attractive and it’s the start of a flirtation even if it’s destined to be one-sided. (I’m imprinting on a possible couple like a romance junky.)

MICKI: I hope for interrogation of both Vinnie and Nick by Our Detective Dodd — sharp and stabby and I hope they give up more than they really wanted to. I expect Nick to gain a great deal of respect for Dodd in the process, and find that respect is a quite sexy emotion.

AMY: I would love for Nick, who has been bored up to this point (because getting shot 15 times and trashing Vinnie’s bar without lifting a finger is Just Another Day In The Life Of The Devil) to be supremely amused by Nita’s interrogation of Vinnie.

REB: I expect Nita to get nowhere with Vinnie while Nick gets steadily more amused and eventually pisses her off no end. Then I hope she’ll turn the tables on him and start sneaking info out of him instead.

So the romance is set up–I love romance readers, they imprint so well–and people want to see what happens with the interrogation, which is the next scene from Nita’s POV. I may cut the bit with Nita at the end, but for now it can stay until I can see the whole book.

I think as you read through these, you can see the value of a pointed critique that says “This is where I had trouble” in specific terms without offering suggestions as to how to fix it. Every suggestion/example in here wouldn’t work for this book, but the critics had no way of knowing that because they don’t know the book. So all of that got skimmed over/deleted to find the problems I needed to fix. It’s not the critics’ fault that they don’t know the book, but it’s the reason any suggestions weren’t helpful. What was helpful?

• Vinnie’s weak.

• Nick’s stakes aren’t clear.

• No idea what Nick’s doing, so confusing.

• It doesn’t get interesting until Nita arrives. (This might be a romance reader thing in part, but I think it’s also a problem because Nick’s calm, Vinnie’s drunk, and the goals/stakes aren’t clear.)

Those are all great points, showing me where all my weak spots are. There will be more when I rewrite, but the rewrite will still be better (I hope).

Rewrite posted tomorrow.

The post Using Critiques to Rewrite appeared first on Argh Ink.

Book Done Yet? : Embrace the Bad

I always forget how ridiculously bad my raw first drafts are. I was writing absolute dreck Sunday night, and I stopped and thought, “This is too terrible, they’re just talking and talking and talking, and going nowhere.”

Then I remembered: First draft. Just get the damn words on the page. This is not brain surgery, you can come back in and fix it later.

The other thing I keep forgetting is that I don’t know this story until I write it. I have a brief outline and I panic because I don’t know a lot of stuff, and then I write and it shows up. Or I stop and crochet for awhile and it shows up. Or I take a shower and it shows up. It’s a lot of bits and pieces but the important thing is, it keeps showing up. Jo Beverley used to say that writing a story was like driving through fog. You can only see the little bit of the road in front of you, but if you keep going, you’ll get home.

So I’m not looking down, just going slowly through the fog.

And pretending this isn’t really a book.

And loving this ridiculous world and its equally ridiculous characters.

And taking huge comfort in the fact that I really, really want to keep writing.

That’s 42,000 words of crappy first draft done.

The post Book Done Yet? : Embrace the Bad appeared first on Argh Ink.

Person of Interest: Zero Day and God Mode: Handling Complex Story

First, I forgot to do the “Previously on . . .” with the individual episodes we’re skipping yesterday, so I’m going with a fast second season recap instead. If you want to skip this, jump down to the row of asterisks: *********

The beginning of the second season focuses on Finch’s recovery from the trauma of being kidnapped, helped along by his slow bonding with Bear, a great story move that gives Finch a softer side. “Masquerade” is one of my favorite number stories, but the continuing behind-the-scenes stuff is Kara Stanton, Reese’s old homicidal partner, is back and has taken CIA creep Snow hostage as part of Decima’s plan. Who is Decima? Takes you the whole season to find out but in short: Decima is the brainchild of a fed-up ex-MI6 officer who thinks people suck and machines should rule the world, so he’s trying to find Harold’s machine or another one like it, install it in a position of power, flip the switch, and then follow its every bidding. On the one hand, Greer has obviously not read much science fiction, but on the other hand, he’s clearly read the newspapers and observed what happens in coridors of power, so are humans that much better? Again, that’s all happening behind the scenes. So Reese saves the diplomat’s daughter without having a romance with her (good old PoI writers never make a false step), and we move on to “Triggerman,” in which Elias agrees to help Finch save the number in exchange for games of chess in prison; I have to admit in this one, I wasn’t much invested in the number, but points to the PoI writers for giving us unsympathetic victims, too. “Bury the Lede” takes the story back to those bastards in HR, this time setting up an investigative journalist who’s getting too close to Quinn, the head of HR. “The High Road” is notable for Reese and Zoe pretending to be married in the suburbs with an excellent lack of playing coy and with a damaged but worthwhile number to care about. “Critical” is a basic thriller with Carter finding out about Snow and Stanton in the background.

You know, this kind of synopsis makes the show sound shallow. It’s not. It’s intricate and layered and wonderful.

Where was I? “Til Death” is about a married couple trying to kill each other (who hasn’t been there?) that has the whole Machine Gang working together. “C.O.D.” is about a bastard refugee exploiter who gets his while HR tries to make nice with Elias, who isn’t having it. Elias, you may remember, takes betrayal personally. “Shadow Box” is about a soldier planning a heist for a very good reason, which is why Reese sticks by him and gets captured by the FBI, setting up some excellent mind games and putting Carter in a dicey position at a time when she’s met Cal, a really nice guy. Might as well have put a target on the poor guy’s forehead. In “2NR” Finch saves a computer whiz kid named Caleb (remember that name for two years, please) while the FBI try to figure out which of the four men they’ve captured is the Man in the Suit. “Prisoner’s Dilemna” is Carter trying to save Reese while questioning the four prisoners and succeeding, then getting nabbed by honest FBI guy Donnelly, who is taking them in when Kara Stanton kills him and takes Reese. It’s a great episode made even greater by Elias saving Reese in prison and Fusco having to protect a supermodel, seen only in scenes in the background throughout.

“Dead Reckoning” is another twisty thriller in which . . . you know, a lot happens. In the end Finch rescues Reese and Snow kills Stanton, but not before they’ve put an unknown virus in an unknown system and . . . there’s more but this is a short recap. “One Percent” is a nice tension release as the Gang tries to protect a rich guy who turns out to deserve protecting. (There are flashbacks throughout all of these, but I’m ignoring them.) “Booked Solid” is another fun one, basically a hotel mystery since most of it takes place in one, with an exciting ending in the police station and a feel-good coda, which helps make up for Carter losing her chance at the FBI because Cal is being framed as part of HR. Also the Special Council (whose personal secretary is revealed to be Root) sends operative Hersh to kill Reese, which does not go well, setting up the truly great episode, “Relevance,” which we talked about yesterday.

And then things begin to get ominous. In “Proteus,” a homicidal identity thief is trapped by a storm on an island with innocent people (and Finch and Reese) in a great and-then-there-were-none episode. Carter saves the day, and Finch and Reese realize the virus they uploaded was meant for the Machine, which has become erratic in giving out numbers. “Trojan Horse” ups the stakes and starts pulling threads together as Decima starts a countdown, HR kills good cops who are getting too close (one of them Cal), and Reese watches Shaw’s back as she clears her dead partner’s name. “In Extremis” is PoI‘s DOA, their race to help their dying number find his killer echoed in the Machine’s race to save itself, shutting itself down at the end of the episode.

************************************************************

So NOW we’re at the climax of Season Two, or the second turning point. Every turning point in every story changes things irrevocably, but when you’re this far into the narrative, the changes become bigger and more striking, unless you’re writing a series (novel, TV, or movie) where you want things to stay the same.

Keeping things the same in a popular series (film or book) can guarantee that popularity (I give you the long-running NCIS, Castle, Bones, etc.) while losing critical appreciation (I give you NCIS, Castle, Bones, etc.). The problem with doing the same damn thing over and over again is that it becomes boring. The problem with making changes is that you alienate your audience who really liked the way you did things before. The genius of PoI is that they somehow manage to do both through two and a half seasons. That is, Our Guys (Finch, Reese, Carter, Fusco, and Bear) fight the good fight every week, changing as they grow closer, trusting each other more and more as they come through for each other. Zoe and Elias and Leon show up just enough that we’re glad to see them but not tired of them. HR continute to be evil sons of bitches in the background. We know these people, this community, this story.

But toward the end of the second season, things become dire when an attack is made against the Machine, and it stops giving out numbers.

Look at that for a minute. This whole series rests on the premise that there’s a machine that gives Our Heroes numbers to prevent crime. And yet toward the end of the second season, the writers start taking that away. Our Heroes have two choices: retire or go fix the Machine and stop the bad guys. But given who they are, they really have no choice, two seasons have gone to show that the numbers have given Reese and Finch a purpose that binds them to each other and to the Machine. Without the numbers, they won’t know who they are. Character not situation forces them into action; they’re no longer reacting to the Machine, they’re acting on their own to save it as the season story races toward the big turning point.

That’s dangerous storytelling, to take away the hook that people have presumably been tuning in for. Except that’s not why we watch, and it hasn’t been since early in the first season. We watch for the Machine Gang, not just to see how they work together but how they grow together. Reese at the end of season one is not the Reese at the beginning; that arc was always going to happen because he started as a homeless drunk. The fact that Finch has changed, though, is huge. And Carter, an honest cop, is now working outside the law. And Fusco, has anybody ever had a character arc like Fusco, who’s found himself, redeemed himself, saved himself by working for the Gang? Season Two takes all of that up a notch, HR closing in on Carter and Fusco and the Man in the Suit, Decima lurking in the background and sabotaging the Machine, Root out there, free range and deranged. The story moves from simple tales of simple people in a battle between good vs evil to simple tales about complex people in a battle between good and evil, to (in Season Three) complex tales about complex people in a battle in shades of gray. All of the complexity of the first two seasons is embodied in the double episode season finale that blows everything open by . . . explaining how a computer works.

To understand how complex this story is at this point, we have to unpack it. The double episode has to:

• Show that Decima is attacking the Machine.

• Show that the government knows the Machine is under attack and is racing to stop it by any means necessary.

• Show how Shaw joins the Machine Gang.

• Show that the Machine is acting on its own to save itself.

• Show HOW the Machine breaks free (let’s learn about computers, shall we?).

• Show that the Machine is still dedicated to saving people.

• Show how brutal the government is willing to be in covering its tracks and keeping the existence of the Machine secret.

• Show how Elias gets out of prison.

• Set up next season’s immensely more complicated story.

Please note that all of this is “show” not “tell.”

And here’s the kicker: None of that is the story. The story is Protagonist vs. Antagonist, in this case a double plot of:

Reese (and Shaw) vs Root as he tries to save Finch

and

Finch (and Root) against the government and Decima as they try to save the Machine

with the huge subplot of

Carter vs HR trying to bring each other down.

Even the resolutions of those plots are complex:

HR brings Carter down by getting her discredited and demoted to uniform; Carter loses.

Finch and Root can’t save the Machine because the Machine has saved itself; their conflict is a draw.

Reese and Shaw find Finch only to find out that he’s joined forces with Root; their conflict was resolved without them.

All of which gives the season a conclusion to the conflict–the Machine has saved itself by escaping and all our players are in stable situations if not happy about them–while opening up an entirely new level of story world.

Which brings us to two questions: How do you build a story with all of these threads and, even more important, why would you?

The how is easy to explain, hard to execute. You start with story–everybody trying to capture or rescue the Machine–and make all the things you need to put in essential to the telling of the story.

So Finch has to keep Reese from following him and has him arrested, but he needs somebody to rescue him, too, so he makes sure Shaw is there to witness the arrest so she’ll save him. Shaw is now a provisional partner with Reese, learning about the Machine as she goes. That part of the plot does not work without Shaw.

And the Machine keeps sending Reese numbers even while he chases Finch and Root, which provides barriers and tension relief, not to mention comic relief (love that wedding). Without the Machine sending numbers, Reese gets to Finch before he’s ready for him (leading to the assumption that the Machine is sending those numbers in part to help Finch).

And Elias has to be free to help bring down HR, and Carter has to be shown on her own at her own turning point, so Carter puts on a ski mask, shoots a Russian gang boss, and clubs a dirty cop to free the most dangerous man in New York, gaining an ally she really doesn’t want, and setting herself on a solitary path of vengeance and redemption. The subplot doesn’t interlock with the Machine plot but it echoes it and reinforces it–Carter’s setting free an uncontrollable great power, too–while arcing two characters and pushing them into an uncertain future.

As long as all of the threads are necessary to the main story, as long as none of them can be cut without damaging the story, you can pull in multiple aspects of story because readers will want to read them. They won’t skim because that information is entertaining, enthralling, illuminating, necessary. How autonomous is the Machine? When it sees its doom approaching, it fabricates orders to send it somewhere else, covering its tracks so that no one can find it. That’s not a Machine any more; that’s an Artificial Intelligence, a mind acting on its own. Nobody explains how it did it, but it’s integral to the plot that it did it. And it’s a wonderful surprise at the end

Okay, that’s how, but why does this story have to be so damn complex? (Simple is almost always better.)

Because unless viewers understand the complexity of the Machine and the people that surround it, they can’t understand the stakes. The Machine on its own is an artificial intelligence of devastating power, the Machine in the wrong hands could be devastatingly dangerous (see Season Four), and the people who are chasing it–the Machine Gang, the government, Decima–are all off the leash, lethal and accountable to no one as they race to control and/or protect the future. This isn’t a “We have to stop the bomb from going off, cut the blue wire!” plot; it’s a complex concept that is front and center in the real world. The Snowden case broke between the first and second seasons and threatened to take the stories out of the realm of science fiction and into front page fact. Some of the best minds in the world are publishing essays right now on the benefits and dangers of AI. And Person of Interest takes not only all its storytelling threads but all these informational threads and boils them down to one phone call: “Can. You. Hear. Me.”

This is great storytelling.

Weakest Parts

Freaking flashbacks. Sigh. These episodes are so complicated that interrupting them with the past is really chancy. Having said that, I think the scenes with the Nathan story could have been an episode of its own, like “RAM.” It’s excellent storytelling, it’s just not this story, and putting two excellent stories together weakens both.

Smart Story Moves

• Ernest Thornhill is the Machine, a terrific way to foreshadow the Machine as not just a computer but a living entity.

•Echoing the finale of last season (Root kidnaps Finch again!), using the inevitable comparison as a foil to show how much everybody has changed.

• Decima’s attempt to make Reese distrust Finch, seconded by the naturally suspicious Shaw.

• Setting the finale of “Zero Day” in the NYC library as an echo of the Machine Gang’s library-fortress,reinforcing that this is really a battle of information dissemination and control, even while the guns blaze.

• Showing the Machine resetting itself and then establishing taking control of it as answering a phone, an action instead of an abstract.

• Showing Carter defeated by HR as a way of stirring outrage against a long-running antagonist that might otherwise have worn out its welcome. Carter is Our Girl, and nobody messes with Our Girl; we want those bastards dead. This is a great move for a subplot here because it’s so damn hard to follow who’s the bad guy in the main plot. At least in the subplot, we know who to hate.

• The brilliant reveal of the empty hanger that shatters Root.

• “Is this what you expected?” “It’s what I’d hoped.”

• Finch’s plan to hide a virus in a virus to trigger the Machine to save itself.

Favorite Moments

• The intro that shows the Machine crashing.

• “I’m not a sociopath, Harold. Believe me sometimes I wish I was. The things I’ve had to do would have been so much easier.”

• Shaw as Reese’s lawyer.

• “I’m driving.” “No. No, you’re not.”

• “It’s just a machine, Miss Groves.” “It’s a life.”

• The phone calls.

• That glorious beginning of “God Mode” where the Machine tells Reese where to shoot.

• “I wasn’t talking to you, Harold.” Root bonds with the Machine.

• The wedding vignette, an entire episode in a minute.

• “We’re gonna need to borrow your helicopter.”

• Carter saving Elias (“At least he’s loyal”), the echo back to his last trip to the woods to be executed, especially the part in the van when Carter takes off the ski mask. “Detective Carter? What a funny old world.” One of my favorite moments in the entire series. Carter is just the best.

• “You shoulda killed me better, Hersh.”

• “Fair enough.”

• The numbers starting again still gives me a chill, especially . . .

Ominous Moment

The Machine calling Root in the mental hospital–“Absolutely”–ominous and “Hell, Yeah!” at the same time. Why Amy Acker doesn’t have an Emmy for this is beyond me.

New PoI Post: Next Week:

April 11: 3-3 Lady Killer (Amanda Segel): Utilizing a Large Recurring Cast

April 12: 3-5 Razgovor (Kenneth Fink): Character Arc through Relationships

April 13: 3-6 Mors Praematura (Helen Shaver): Fusing Multiple Story Lines

The post Person of Interest: Zero Day and God Mode: Handling Complex Story appeared first on Argh Ink.

Person of Interest: Relevance: Building a Complex Character

Once you have your story world and people in place (usually after the first act), you can start to layer your characters (and your plots and subplots, but that’s tomorrow). By Season Two, everybody knows how the Machine works, that it also works for the government, that the agency it works for is ruthless and doesn’t hesitate to kill anyone who it thinks might be a threat to the Machine. At that point, it’s time to change things up. Things are going to get worse, yes, but they’re also going to get more complex.

One of the many things PoI did during their second season to shake things up was introduce Samine Shaw, the female Reese and Root’s opposite number. Shaw would be a tough sell–she’s an emotionless, remorseless killer for the government–except that she’s also highly skilled and fiercely loyal. (And she’s played by Sarah Shahi, which is really all we need.) So what we have in Shaw is a very dense character in that she’s so many layers of dysfunction while being highly functional. In order to show that, PoI gives her The Day That Is Different, the day she realizes that the people she’s given her life to are trying to kill her. The writers also did something I don’t think you can do in a linear novel: They made her the point of view of character in the story. PoI is almost always told from the PoV of Finch and Reese, but this one is all Shaw. She’s the number of the week, but we don’t know that until ten minutes in when Reese shows up to save her and she shoots him.

Instead we get a character that’s swiftly introduced in action (the fastest, cleanest way to show character) and in interaction with another character important to her (the second fastest way to show character, through the eyes of someone else). She and her partner, Cole, clearly have a close working relationship, and that’s really all we need to know–she’s skilled, she’s fiercely loyal, and her closest relationship is with Cole–before the employer she’s loyal to rips Cole away from her. All she has left now is skill, and the rest of this episode is just that: action scenes that build her character in layers as she goes after the government, implacable and incredibly dangerous. Reese and Finch (and Carter and Fusco and Leon and Bear!) show up, but only as supporting characters, conservationists trying to save a wild animal, and when Shaw drives away at the end and leaves them stranded, we can only hope that she shows up again. (Yay, she does!).

Weakest Parts

There are no weak parts.

Smart Story Moves

• Using the Machine view in the titles to switch to the Machine in government mode, interrupting Finch and showing the PoV switch.

• The first scene with Shaw getting coffee and telling the terrorists she doesn’t speak German, just a nice girl in trouble, then taking out the bad guys. It’s a character reversal that first invests us in her nice-person charade and then shows us she’s so much more. And it’s fast.

• Taking a significant chunk of the opening to show Shaw and Cole in action together, even though what they do will not have an impact on the rest of the episode. What does have an impact: their relationship and their skill-set. They work as one person, so when Shaw loses Cole, she loses a part of herself.

• Shaw’s attention to detail, and her nerveless response to danger, again shown in action. Action is character.

• Cole saying, “Control called, we got another number,” which sets Shaw and Cole up as the government’s Reese and Finch in six words.

• Cole and Shaw’s argument over where Research gets its numbers. Shaw’s “Research is never wrong” shows her intense loyalty and also sets her up for the fall. It’s a brilliant moment of brief dialogue that reinforces who she is.

• The whole “I’m going to stitch myself up with the help of drug dealers” sequence, especially the part where Shaw gives her back story in about three sentences while she’s dressing her own wound and then while she’s facing down the other drug dealer. GREAT WAY TO GIVE BACK STORY while also showing that Shaw is implacable.

• The soft-spoken government guys hunting Shaw; they’re murderous and evil, but they admire her skill. When the bad guys admire you, the viewer/reader knows you’re good.

• The calm way Shaw talks to the Special Counsel, underscoring how powerful they both are and how controlled they both are.

• Finch letting Hersh kill Shaw before they brought her back so that the government thinks she’s dead. I know that’s not character, but it’s such a great story move, it needs a shout out along with the freaking pacing in this thing; even the quiet moments are tense.

Favorite Moments

• Shaw flipping her knife open. “I’m getting my bullets back.”

• “No, just yours.” Cole was great.

• The brief scene of Root as Control’s secretary.

• “Did you ever have a staring contest with a fish? No eyelids.”

• Shaw on the couch, drinking a beer next to the guy she just killed.

• The first shot of Root as Veronica, pulling the story back to the Machine Gang and frenemies.

• “I kind of enjoy this sort of thing.” “I am so glad you said that. I do, too.” The start of Shoot.

• “Can you not shoot me this time?”

• “A good soldier does both.” Great moment of revenge.

• Fusco and Carter on the scene.

• Leon bitching because Shaw tried to kill him.

• The music: “The Future Starts Slow” by the Kills, over the final scenes.

Basically, everything in this episode. It’s flawless.

New PoI Post Tomorrow: Zero Day (Jeffrey Hunt)/2-22 God Mode (Richard J. Lewis): Handling Complex Story

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Sunday Notes

Okay, THAT’s a great book cover. I found it on the Comically Vintage Tumbler.

Along with this:

And this:

And I have an Island Name question. I was going to call the island Elyse/Elise Island after (a) the Elysian Fields and (b) Ellis Island. Then I thought it would be simpler to just call it Demon Island because there’s a rocky outcrop that looks like a demon’s head. But given where the story goes, that may be too obvious. Suggestions?

And then there’s Monday Street, which happens six years after Paradise Park. There’s an explanation at the link below, but the short version is: This is really long. Huge time sink. It also moves too fast, I think, and there are about a zillion loose plot threads in there. You know, discovery draft: although this one has been revised a lot there’s stuff missing. You have been warned.

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Cherry Saturday 4-2-2016

Today is Peanut Butter and Jelly Day.

Food of the gods, people, food of the gods.

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