JacQueline Vaughn Roe's Blog, page 4

Being Known by a God Who Knows

[image error]The following is a guest blog contributed by Erica Baldwin.

“Friendship . . . is born at the moment when one man says to another ‘What! You too?

I thought that no one but myself . . .’” C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

There’s something about sitting down and sipping a steaming cup of coffee with a friend who knows you. You don’t have to explain your motives, your back story, your weaknesses, your passions, your fears. She’s walked alongside you in different seasons of life, and there is comfort in simply sitting in her presence and picking up where you left off. And it’s even better if she is walking the same path as you or has forged ahead on common grounds—whether it’s in your role as a mother, a caretaker, a wife, a friend, an employee, an encourager, or a griever.

I have a rare genetic condition that affects one in 250,000 people, one that comes with serious health implications. When I was diagnosed in my 30s—after two life-threatening events—I had never heard of the condition, let alone met anyone just like me. But God, in His providence, placed a sister in Christ only 20 minutes from me who shared my diagnosis, much of the same scary health history, and the empathetic understanding of what life with Vascular Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome is like. When she speaks about her past, present, and future, I think, “She gets it!” in awe of God’s sweet provision of this friend in my life.

Often, when we are suffering, Satan deceives us into thinking we are utterly alone. However, there are so many passages of Scripture about our God who knows us. And we can take comfort in the fact that a good God sees us, our circumstances, and our hearts.

[image error]God knows our needs

When we are stressed or worried about paying the bills, meeting deadlines, the scary unknown, or putting food on the table, God is lovingly attentive. “. . . for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.” Matthew 6:32b

God knows His children

As parents, we are acutely aware of our children, even in a crowded park or a full classroom. We know their struggles, their limits, and when they need encouragement to stretch themselves for their own benefit. Not only does a good God know us, but we can know Him and trust in His goodness. “I am the good shepherd, and I know My own and My own know Me.” John 10:14

God knows our frame

Our loving Father understands when we are spent, fearful, weary, and want to give up. Look to Him for His grace and new mercies that never run dry. “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust . . . But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, And His righteousness to children’s children.” Psalm 103:13-14; 17

God knows our works

God sees our work for Him, even if things are not turning out how we planned. Don’t give up, and stay connected to the Source of your fruit, your first love—a reminder given to the church of Ephesus in verse four of Revelation 2. “I know your deeds and your toil and perseverance, and that you cannot tolerate evil men, and you put to the test those who call themselves apostles, and they are not, and you found them to be false; and you have perseverance and have endured for My name’s sake, and have not grown weary.” Revelation 2:2-3

God knows His plans for me

There is peace in knowing that our suffering is not in vain and that our lives serve an eternal purpose. We may not see or understand that purpose on this side of Heaven, but we can take comfort in knowing that God sees the whole picture—and He promises His plans are good. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

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Is there a past circumstance or trial in your life that you’re glad God knew about that you didn’t know about in advance?

 

Can you see the eternal (or even earthly) purpose for that circumstance or trial now?

 

Have there been times when you’ve felt utterly alone?

 

How were you able to overcome that?

 

Of the verses above, what do you need most in your life right now, and why?

 

Can you commit to memorizing that verse to help you when anxious thoughts arise?

 

What does John 15:14-16 say about Christ as your friend? How can this comfort you when you’re tempted to feel alone? (Side note: We aren’t Christ’s friends because we obey, we obey because we are His friends—it’s not a condition of our friendship, but a declaration of our love for Him.)

 

Thank you to Erica who generously contributed to the Bible study included in my book Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope.Learn more about Erica and God’s story of goodness at www.ohhisgoodness.com where she uses her incredible journey to encourage others. If you cannot afford a copy of my book , please feel free to download the free Bible study or contact me.

Photo credit: Nazar Sharafutdinov, Andrii Podilnyk, John Wilson.

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God in Darkness

[image error]The following is a guest post by Beverly Verhage.

Reflecting on my walk with God through the course of my life, there have been so many obstacles, hard times, and trouble. As I read God’s Word and interact with God by the Holy Spirit because of Jesus’ sacrifice, I am in awe of this amazing relationship.

I think of Psalm 8:4 and say to God, Who am I, that You would be mindful of me? I ponder who am I in times of abundant blessings and in times when I am overwhelmed by His love and presence. However, I find it interesting that the same sentiment does not come when I am in times of trial and difficulty. I truly believe what James 1:2-4 says about trials and their ability to transform my character, build perseverance, and help me to lack nothing. But I cannot seem to find it in me to say, “Who am I, Lord, that You are mindful of me to trust me with this ‘light and momentary trial’ which will indeed produce a harvest in me?” Oh no, that is not at all what comes to my mind. I actually say the typical human response of, “Why me, Lord?” In light of that statement, I am asking myself this question, “Why not me?”

[image error]A Glass-half-full Kind of Gal

When I look back over my life, being a bit of a glass-half-full kind of gal, I typically do not see those dark times as dark as they actually felt at the time. Perhaps that’s partially because I am a half-full girl, but I also believe that complete healing can occur in the care of our Lord, and He can lighten up those dark memories. In an objective reflection on my difficult times, I can say that, in those times, sometimes God changed my circumstances, but most of the times the miracle was that the circumstances did not change at all. No—He changed me.

That is the hope of glory: the transformation that God does in us, by the resurrection power of the Holy Spirit working in us as we surrender to His hand. We become this beautiful reflection of Christ Jesus’ righteousness. Understand that we are already declared righteous at the point we believe Him and receive Him as our personal payment for our sin. When dark times come, yes, the Enemy of our soul is looking to kill us, steal from us, and destroy us; but what the Enemy means for our harm, God can turn into His glory.

Gosh, I desire to hold tight to the revelation of this truth in those times of darkness. Perhaps that is where the fellowship of sound believers can help. It is good to remember that the biggest miracles that come from our trials is the transformation that occurs within us to produce true glory.

Darkness in my Life

Looking to the darkness in my life, I see redemption and transformation. My darkest times produced a longing and a revealed need for God. Although I may never celebrate the dark times in my life with parties, I can tell you that the outcome has been miraculous. I can celebrate even my darkest failures and sin, for in those times it revealed my inner darkness and my need for my glorious and wonderful Savior.

Some of the darkest times in my life came in my early, arrogant walk with the Lord. I had a list of things I planned to do for God and another list of things I would never do. With the list of accomplishments, I became self-righteous when I measured up to my own list, and I believe my behavior was distasteful to God. With the list of things I would never do, as I found it impossible to keep, the inevitable shame came upon me. Oh, the pain it did produce. Thankfully, God showed me His way through relationship with Him instead of man’s way (my way) of religion through trying to please God. His way was my rescue. And all of that human effort only brought shame or self-righteousness, neither producing the harvest intended by God.

In other times of darkness, the darkness came in the form of pain from others. I had various loved ones who were drowning in addictions. These long years of pain produced a dependence on God for me that I could not have even imagined. It drove a stake deep into my soul that I pray will never be uprooted. This stake is like an anchor to my soul. So how can I look at the years of pain that came from these addictions with disdain or desire that they never happened? For without them, would I have the depth of relationship with the unseen God that I have now if I had been spared the pain?

[image error]Then there were the times of darkness that came when my body failed me. I have had injuries and pain from a body that took a beating from me and my active lifestyle. I have injuries and pain from car accidents, diving accidents, skiing accidents, etc. I was a fearless child who repeatedly jumped out of everything I could climb, from my grandmother’s barn loft to tall trees. I was a cheerleader who would think nothing of climbing five-person-high pyramids and jump to the gym floor below. Why? Because I could! I inflicted a life of pain upon myself because I was fearless and adventurous.

There have been times of darkness when bad things just happened, and I experienced pain. My three consecutive miscarriages were very difficult.

Never Forsaken

While these are just a few of the painful times in my life, no matter the cause, what I see looking back is that each darkness brought me to a place, taught me a truth, or revealed something in me. Each time of darkness, I could have turned to or from God. In the times I turned from Him, I drifted further into darkness. In the times I turned to Him, I was led into the light of His truth and love.

He never left me, He was and is always with me, but I am the variable. I may have turned my eyes away from Him in shame. I may have turned my heart away in hurt. I also many times turned my eyes and heart toward Him. In those times, our relationship grew, and He was able to work in me and through me. He was able to show deep and hidden things about Himself to me. One thing He revealed to me is that He is always there with me. I have to be mindful of Him, because He is very mindful of me!

Who are we that He would be mindful of us? In our darkest times, remember that our trials are light and momentary in light of eternity. So, let us fix our eyes on the unseen things beyond the darkest times.

Thank you to Beverly who generously contributed to the Bible study included in my book Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope.You can discover more about Beverly at https://on-wings-as-eagles.blogspot.com/ where she loves to write about God’s Word and what He is teaching her through it. If you cannot afford a copy of my book , please feel free to download the free Bible study or contact me.

Photo credit: Arti Kh, Chuttersnap, Luis Galvez.

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Peace Be Still

[image error]The following is a guest blog post from Karen Smith.
Life was practically perfect, and then it wasn’t

Married to my high school sweetheart; three children; financially stable—we were one big happy family. I found myself living a storybook dream. Oh, don’t get me wrong, there were struggles. One of my kids was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy and the other struggled with an immune deficiency. Life was far from perfect. But for me, life felt perfect. I was living my dream of being a wife and a mom.

As the seasons change, so did my life. In the matter of time it takes to have a doctor’s appointment, it all came crashing down. My storybook life fell apart. Words like these entered my world all in the matter of about twenty minutes:

progressive disease
within five years, no longer be able to walk
slowly lose fine and gross motor functions
no treatment options

My husband, the breadwinner in our family and my most prominent security, was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis.

Talk about a storm. Oh, my goodness. MS came into our lives like an F5 tornado. It ripped our marriage apart. It stole the happiness from our lives. It brought heartache after heartache. And, as predicted, nothing we did helped slow the progression of the disease. Four years after diagnosis, the love of my life found himself in a wheelchair struggling to continue daily routines.

Grasping at straws to try and slow the progression, my husband began chemo treatments every three months We don’t know if chemo treatments were the cause, but he developed multiple bilateral pulmonary emboli and his life almost slipped away from us. I am pretty sure that in an ICU room at 3:30 in the morning, I willed my husband to live. I didn’t have those kind, sweet words one might expect; I threatened him within an inch of his life that if he left me I would forever be mad at him! Much to the surprise of medical personnel, he did survive that storm. However, more storms were on the horizon.

Within just a couple of months, our family was hit hard. My husband had more pulmonary emboli, suffered from significant side effects from a brand new chemo drug, fell and broke his hip, and spent three weeks in rehab after a week in the hospital. But it wasn’t only my husband—I struggled with an eating disorder, and all three kids got head lice. I managed to stay sane through all this while still doing my best to care for my husband and our 17-, 15-, and 6-year-olds.

Have you ever bargained with God?

I managed to ask multiple times, “God, are You asleep? Do You not see what is happening here? Where are You?? The storms are raging, and I’m about to drown, and You don’t even care?”

I found myself bargaining with God. “If You will calm these storms, then my family will be able to love and serve you more.”

At times, I brought out the idea that I deserved better. Ha! I know I deserve hell and death, but God gives grace and mercy. However, somehow I had the faulty thinking, at times, that because I had loved and served Him, that meant we had a right to a calmer life.

[image error]I begged God for a promise during this season. If God would just speak to me and assure me healing would come, then I thought I would have peace. Instead, I only felt silence. I’m pretty sure I must have understood what the disciples must have felt as they set off on the Sea of Galilee with Jesus.

This trip on the sea is recorded in three of the four gospels (Matthew 8:23-27, Mark 4:35-41, and Luke 8:22-25). Each of the gospels makes it clear that Jesus had been ministering, teaching, and healing before He entered the boat. He had been going about doing His business. His disciples had been with Him, and they had entered the boat with Him.

We know that at least four of the disciples were fishermen. This means at least four of the disciples were incredibly skilled in boating. As fishermen by profession, they were well acquainted with the Sea of Galilee. It should be no problem for them to make their way across the relatively small sea.

As they were crossing it, though, a storm arose. Storms on the Sea of Galilee were not uncommon. Between the warm coastal air on one side and high cliffs on the other side that provided cool, dry air, the sea was a common breeding ground for storms. These fishermen were invariably familiar with boating on the stormy sea; this would not be a first for them.

So, what was different about this storm? What caused the disciples to become afraid? Where was Jesus while this storm began to rage?

It is believed that this storm came on all of a sudden, catching them all unprepared. Isn’t that how storms of life happen? We are enjoying life, living our storybook life, and then, wham—in blows a storm, catching us unprepared. The disciples were no different than us.

Have you ever wondered, “Where is Jesus?”

With a storm threatening to overturn their boat, what did they do? They asked, “Where is Jesus?” Did Jesus not feel the boat tilting from side to side? Did Jesus not feel the water lapping into the boat as one wave after another crashed into the boat? Fear hit an all-time high in the disciples’ hearts.

So, where WAS Jesus in the middle of this storm? ASLEEP! You might be like me and wonder how in the world someone could sleep in the middle of a significant storm. That someone was Jesus. Jesus was tired. He had been busy, doing what He did best. Jesus didn’t fear a storm. He crawled into a nice, quiet, cozy spot and went to sleep. (It doesn’t take big storms of life to impact my sleeping. Little storms of life interrupt my sleeping patterns; big storms keep me awake nights at a time. I don’t understand how Jesus could be sleeping.)

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when the disciples found Jesus asleep. I know the words that have come out of my mouth when I have felt unseen by Jesus. I dare not even repeat some of them in a Bible study book. Scripture tells us that the disciples woke Jesus up and announced their shock. “Aren’t you even going to save us, Jesus? We are about to drown, Lord. Do something.” Hmmmm . . . Have the storms of life ever given you a similar reaction? They have for me. I think I have said, “Lord, I am about to drown—will you throw me a life preserver? That’s the least you can do, Jesus!” Often, I beg to be rescued from current storms.

When the disciples were full of fear, where did they go? They found Jesus! They knew Jesus had been doing miracles all day, and He could surely save them. They recognized His power! They wasted no time taking their fears to Him.

Jesus’ response went something like this: “Oh disciples, why are you so afraid? Where is your faith?” And then Jesus did something amazing. This is where I wish I would have had binoculars and could see that boat in the middle of the storm on the Sea of Galilee. Did Jesus get up? Did he see the storm? Did he feel the boat swaying back and forth? Mark’s account tells us Jesus arose and rebuked the wind. Afterward, Jesus says three words: “Peace, be still.” Immediately, the wind and the waves ceased! There was no slowly settling storm; it was an immediate cessation of the storm. An indescribable calm surrounded the boat immediately.

Jesus then looked at the disciples and asked again, “Why are you still afraid? Do you still have no faith?” I think the disciples must have been standing there looking at Jesus in an unbelieving state. Did this really just happen? Did Jesus just show up in the middle of this unbelievable storm and speak?

And when Jesus spoke, the wind and the waves obeyed! I’m pretty sure the disciples’ mouths were gaping wide open, and their eyes were enormous. Even though they woke Jesus up because they thought He was their only hope, when Jesus responded they were shocked.

When God shocks you

How often does Jesus catch you off guard? How often do you pray believing that answers will really come? Do we pray believing we will receive answers? If I’m praying for healing, do I believe God can heal, even if He hasn’t? I don’t know about you, but I struggle in this place. I run to Jesus when storms of life arise. In my head, I know God is big enough to handle anything life throws at me. However, when He responds, I still find myself in shock! There’s an eighteen-inch disconnect between my head and my heart. I think the disciples were having this same issue! They were asking but were not believing in their heart that Jesus would take care of them. Jesus responds, “Do you still have no faith?” I wonder if Jesus was thinking, You’ve just watched me perform miracle after miracle before we entered this boat, but that wasn’t enough for you to trust that I am going to care for you? What else do I need to do for you to have faith in me? Can you just trust me?

[image error]Through the season of my life when it seemed like F5 tornados were ravaging my home and family, God led me to this Sea of Galilee passage. “Where’s your faith, Karen? I have proved to you over and over again that I am faithful. Why do you still doubt? If the wind and the waves obey Me, don’t you think I can handle your greatest fears as well?”

I began to question God as to why He would keep bringing me back to this passage and not silence the storm. I hate to admit that it took me about three years to realize what God was teaching me. I was focused on my struggle and not my Savior. My eyes were on the problems. God didn’t bring a halt to the tornadoes. I sit in my living room today with a husband who is entirely dependent on me to take him places, as he can no longer drive. He depends on me to help him get dressed each day. The MS storm still rages in his body. My mom passed away a few months ago from a horrible disease that slowly robbed her of her mind. The storm still rages around me. My daughter struggles immensely with her health and just received her fourth medical diagnosis that altered our lives yet again. The storm still rages in my family.

However, God began to show me in time, that the storm wasn’t MS, it wasn’t head lice, it wasn’t eating disorders. The storm was my heart, and He desired to silence the raging storm. God wanted to speak “peace, be still” to my heart! Oh, wow! What a blessing I had been missing. When my focus is on the Savior, my heart is still. When I put my attention back on my problems, the storms rage again.

You might ask, “How in the world do I keep my eyes on the Savior in the middle of F5 twisting tornados all around me?” My answer is found in Psalm 107:28-32:

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven. Let them thank the LORD for this steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! Let them extol him in the congregation of the people, and praise him in the assembly of the elders.

My answer, and yours, for keeping our eyes focused on Him in the middle of raging storms:

Thank Him for His unfailing love and wonderful deeds
Exalt Him
Praise Him

[image error]1 Chronicles 16:23-31 says,

“Sing to the LORD, all the earth! Tell of his salvation from day to day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous works among all the peoples! For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised, and he is to be feared above all gods. For all the gods of the peoples are worthless idols, but the LORD made the heavens. Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy are in his place. Ascribe to the LORD. O families of the peoples, ascribe to the LORD glory and strength! Ascribe to the LORD glory due his name; bring an offering and come before him! Worship the LORD in the splendor of holiness; tremble before him, all the earth; yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved. Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice, and let them say among the nations, ‘The LORD reigns!’”

It doesn’t matter what storms come raging in your life; there is still reason to praise and give thanks. God is great and majestic. In Him, we find strength and joy! When we do, we experience that “peace, be still” phrase in our own heart!

How might all of this be different than your usual train of thought?

Write out a prayer, rejoicing and giving thanks to God in the midst of whatever you are going through at the current moment. Rest in Him, focus your heart and mind on Him. Go to Him with your requests and thank Him for how He will guard your heart and mind in peace.

Thank you to Karen who generously contributed to the Bible study included in my book Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope. You can learn more about Karen and her family at www.glimpsesoffaithandstruggles.com where she blogs about being transformed from ashes into who God desires her to be. If you cannot afford a copy of my book , please feel free to download the free Bible study or contact me.

Photo credits: Timothy Meinberg, Ben White, Jeremy Thomas, Nikolas Noonan

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Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope

[image error]Sharing and Confessing

I’m thrilled, excited, and a bit terrified as my book is published today. TODAY! Part of me can’t believe it’s finally happening after all the years of waiting to be published and wanting to share a story with all of you wonderful readers. But this story? This raw, bleeding, broken story of healing and hope? It’s like I’m inviting all of you into my mess.

Welcome! Welcome into this mess! Don’t mind the broken dreams strewn about the floor, step over those. See instead the beautiful flowers of hope in the vase gracing the center of our table of joy. God put those there, let’s scoot up to the table and talk about what He’s done with my pain and what He can do with your pain. Don’t ignore the fact that I have to wear sunglasses to handle the bright light streaming in from the windows, but recognize I have stepped out of the darkness and I’m willing to see and be seen.

[image error]Welcome! Come in and let’s confess together our stories so we can pray and hope together. We can share where we went wrong (because I have taken some wrong turns, maybe you have, too). We can read His Word and discover what He’s up to, and if not exactly what He’s up to (perhaps it’s all a big surprise we won’t get to see till much later) we can at last KNOW He is in control and He is up to something grand that will make others gasp and KNOW He is a good God. The God of HOPE.

Reconnecting and Relaxing

I know it sounds odd, it sounds unbelievable that maybe these broken shards can be pieced back together. Perhaps your pain isn’t physical, but still, your life seems a mess you need to hide. You don’t even want to look at it yourself, how can you invite someone else to help you walk through it? You’ve found yourself withdrawing, found yourself disconnecting from those you once counted on. I don’t know all the reasons you may have disconnected, but let this be the first step you take in stepping back into the light.

[image error]There’s supposed to be a formula for living life correctly, isn’t there? It looks Pinterest-perfect, Instagram-worthy. Years ago I set myself on this path to what I thought would be success and I fell apart. In pursuing publishing this small, strange little book, I’ve been tempted to fall into those bad habits again, but I’m stepping away from all of that. I’m trusting that even though experts say “this is how to be successful” it’s not right for my family or my physical/mental well-being. We need to learn to relax, to truly rest, to heal with the support of family and friends who love us. Christ very specifically said to come to Him, all who are weary. Are you tired? I know I am and I want to fall into His arms and let Him carry me. I’m ready to let go of this strain and relax, even if that means “success” will look very different for me. Can we do that together, trust that the plans He has for us are going to look different, but we can trust Him with them?

The Truth About Healing

So, yes, I’m frightened. I know I’m not doing any of this the “correct” way. But I pray we can share the hope of God each time we share this blog or the link to this book or the pictures I’m posting across social media with quotes from the book and the Bible. I praise God for each of you and thank you for being on this journey with me. Please purchase your copy here. If you cannot afford it, please let me know by contacting me, and I will make sure you receive a free electronic copy of the Bible study.

Photo credit: collage – John Reign Abarintos, Aaron Burden, Aaron Burden, Johann Siemens, Priscilla du Preez; Lobostudio Hamburg; Ewelina Karezona Karbowiak

A special thank you to Sheryl Chan for offering another chance to connect with the chronic illness community.

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The God Who Sees

[image error]“God knows our situation; He will not judge us as if we had no difficulties to overcome. What matters is the sincerity and perseverance of our will to overcome them.”

~ C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

God knows. God sees.

There is a story in Genesis 16 of an abused slave, Hagar, who became the second wife of Abram in order to conceive an heir. When the first wife, Sarai, felt Hagar had supplanted her, she treated her cruelly and the young woman fled. The angel of the LORD (possibly the pre-incarnate Christ) met her in the wilderness, and she called the LORD, “The God who sees me.”

It is too easy to feel invisible, unnoticed, unseen. Perhaps you wake in the morning like I have lately, wondering, Can I keep going? Is there even a point in this struggle, in this pain?

A little over a week ago I challenged myself and others to make a record of the mundane and boring tasks in my life #majesticinthemundane so that perhaps I could find a way to “practice the presence of God” and worship despite the pain of daily debilitating migraines and my upward battle against depression/anxiety. I found hope in this place, I found joy. I found that God sees me as I struggle. Each day I snapped pictures with my phone while looking at the tasks I had before me. I was searching for a feeling as I tried completing each thing. I wanted to feel inspired, invigorated, I wanted the pain to diminish and to be able to say, “Look, I did it! I worshipped God! I felt close to Him!”

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But instead, I became more aware of Him, as though I could sense Him watching me in that absorbed way that a parent looks on a child (whom they adore) while they are at work or play. I realized God just wants to be with us. He wants to hear from us. He is ready to listen, as though we are sitting and chatting, maybe drinking some coffee and catching up. 

Last week was far from perfect. I only left the house once to run an errand, and the point of the errand was mostly to get me “outside”. (It’s still considered outside if you are crouched in the front seat of the mini-van shielding your eyes from sunlight with sunglasses, right?) I wondered as I was sitting there, How am I supposed to worship God right now? And I realized that simply being present with the ones I was with was part of worship. I had to consciously make the effort to look outside my own pain and struggle to see others, the way God was showing me He could see me.

By the end of the week, I had recorded the most common of mundane tasks, and I felt seen, I felt loved and renewed. The pain was still present, depression and anxiety still crouched at my door, but Christ Himself was seated by the hearth of my soul, abiding with me and I with Him. It wasn’t just a cuddling feeling (though at times I experienced that), it was recognizing:

[image error]Imagine, a bottle of our collected tears. He sees. He knows. He wants to be with us in the battle, in the difficulties, in the dark. That is where He meets us and shows us as we praise Him, He is for us. (Psalm 56:8-11)

I’ve said this before. I don’t know everything you’re going through, I don’t know how hard it’s been lately. I do know the One who knows, and I trust that He sees you. I trust that He has something for you in this difficult place. I trust that He is using you in ways you can’t even imagine. I am more convinced than ever before in my life that none of what we go through is wasted, that each time we end up heading down a path we would rather avoid, God will still use it. I have seen this in my own life and in the lives of those I love. Please know that I am praying for you and I hope that if you need specific prayer you will contact me.

More of my struggle is recorded in my soon to be released book,”Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope”. To receive a free electronic copy,  let me know you are interested.

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Photo Credits: Edu Grande, JacQueline V. Roe, Scott Van Hoy, and Milada Vigerova.

Graphics: JacQueline V. Roe

Adulting: Discovering the Majestic can be Found in the Mundane

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I think most of us struggle with it, I know I have countless times at different points in my life. I feel “less” and as though I am leading a life of “less.” Maybe it was growing up in a culture that told us as children we could be anything we wanted to be, achieve anything if we just tried hard enough. But life is different than that projection and for me that includes waking up morning after morning in horrible pain, wondering if getting out of bed is even worth it. We all have things that make us wonder if it is worth it, don’t we?

It is. No matter what the difficulty or struggle is, getting out of bed is the first step to moving forward. Perhaps we have to embrace these difficulties, these hardships, look them full in the face and acknowledge we are going to get up.

Years ago I began reading a book about a monk named Brother Lawrence who spent his life doing mundane menial tasks that he didn’t care for. We call this adulting now and complain about our lack of motivation. Brother Lawrence used it as time to worship. Right in the middle of a lack-luster life in which he daily cleaned up after his fellow monks by scrubbing out dishes and what-not, he “practiced the presence of God.” His life of less was actually full of God because he counted all that he did as worshipping and hoping in God. He worked as thought it was all for the Lord.

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I remember a friend of mine teaching about life falling into categories like the mundane or the majestic and I was struck by the beauty of the alliteration. The thought was not original with her, but it was the first time I had heard it. I think of all the things in my life that are mundane and mind-numbing. There are always loads of laundry to be washed, meals to be made, work to be done, people to be loved (maybe this sounds wrong, but sometimes loving can feel mind-numbing). What will we do with the frustration, the sense of futility that tells us that what we are doing doesn’t really matter? We live in an Instagram culture, where everything should be lovely, glamorous, picture-worthy. But what if the majestic is actually to be found in the mundane? What if in adulting, we actually have the choice to worship God? What if in the midst of this dark grey of moving one foot in front of the other, we can choose joy? Can we reach the heart of God Himself by recognizing He is the one we serve, the One we get out of bed for, sit through traffic for, balance our budgets for? What if He becomes our sole purpose?

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This is what I propose we do. Over the course of this week let’s ask God to open wide our eyes to the details and responsibilities that make up our lives. As we begin to recognize each thing, let us take a moment  to focus our thoughts on the One we are truly serving. For some of us, that will mean we break out in a little dance or a song of spontaneous praise. For others, that will simply mean pushing away destructive thoughts, ones that might deter us from worship. I often find myself praying, sometimes even snapping pictures with my phone as though to help me remember, “Here, when this was happening, I chose to see God is at work.” I’ll be snapping photos all week, #majesticinthemundane and #theGodofhope over on Instagram and FaceBook. I challenge anyone who would like to join me to do so, but only if it helps you worship.

Photo credits: Greg Rakozy, Catt Liu, Fancy Crave, Nik Macmillan, Andrew Neel, and Aaron Andary.

 

 

 

Grace Covers Us

[image error]I have this problem. I know, you are so excited to read a blog about my issues, but I am sharing this unpleasant truth about myself because I know that so many of us feel defeated by this. First, you should know I am somewhat like a muppet, maybe a bit of a fraggle. I get elated at the thought of a new, exciting way of doing life. It may be how I want to tackle a new fitness routine (I’ll do it everyday!), career goals (I’m getting published!), or even domestic chores (we are going to cut out all unhealthy foods and eat clean from now on!) And then, life happens. Migraines keep me from the long cardio work-outs I love, I didn’t realize how hard it was to find a traditional publisher who wanted publish my works, and we don’t have enough money to buy only organic foods. And I’ve talked to enough of my friends to know I’m not alone in losing hope about setting goals and dreaming dreams. Though at first we say we’ll get back to it, it inevitably feels too late. We are lost and can’t seem to get started again. Since we couldn’t do exactly what we wanted when we wanted, we let our failure define us, keeping us from trying again.

My husband tells me I’m too extreme. He tells me it’s okay if I can’t do everything, why not try some moderation and just do something. For years I’ve known he is probably right, but it took a conversation with my friend for me to hear it in a new way.

We were sitting in my family room and talking quietly because I had another migraine when my friend and I began talking about goals. She told me how her mother didn’t like making New Year’s Resolutions because she couldn’t keep them. My friend wasn’t put off when I stated I struggled with the same problem.

“But even if you don’t reach your goal,” my friend explained, “you still accomplished more than if you never made the goal at all.”

I have mentally had my mouth hanging open ever since.

So, instead of being upset that I can’t stick to a strict regime of diet and exercise, I should just do my best with what my energy and finances allow? So, instead of being frustrated by the fact that I can’t self-publish perfectly and my books are going to have flaws, I should just do my best and allow God to care for the rest? So, instead of feeling defeated by my inadequacies, I should just pick myself up and keep going?

I think my husband is going to read this and say, “I’ve been trying to tell you that for YEARS!”

He has, but I think I finally heard him. And I think I can finally accept grace.

[image error]We should know that’s what the problem is, shouldn’t we? We perfectionists, we extremists who believe we should be masters at everything right away and never fail, we don’t want to accept grace to cover our weaknesses. Perhaps, like me, you have found in the past that if you eat one “wrong” thing, you begin to eat everything in sight. Or maybe, you got off budget with one purchase and suddenly you find yourself on a shopping spree funded by your high interest credit card because you might as well since you already “failed.” Oh, friend, I get it. But surely part of our problem is, we think it’s all up to us.

The apostle Paul wrote some incredibly hard things in the New Testament, but on closer examination, the hard things are actually freeing. I have to admit that I don’t really want to identify with him when he talks about weakness and grace. I’d rather just think that eventually I’m going to get it perfect. But after 40 years of living I recognize, I’m not going to, am I? And if I could, who would get the credit? Me. I say I want God to get the glory, but here I am striving so hard to get everything under control and perfected so that I won’t be seen as weak.

Scholars will debate till the end of this age what physical inadequacy, what “thorn in the flesh” Paul was inflicted with, but I don’t really need to know. I just know that I can relate. I struggle with my own weakness – debilitating chronic migraines, and God has chosen not to remove them. The migraines cause depression and anxiety, and God has chosen not to remove those either. I have seasons when these illnesses aren’t as difficult, but they are always there, lurking beneath my everyday life. And you know what? Paul wants me to rejoice in them, brag about them.

Really, Paul? You’re kidding, right?

Paul seemed practically perfect, he goes through hardships and revels in them for God’s glory! (2 Corinthians 11) But, he struggled with conceit and so God allowed him to have an affliction (like his trials and hardships weren’t enough? but apparently they weren’t) and though he begged God to remove it, God wouldn’t. Instead He told Paul, “My grace is sufficient to you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Paul, who was tempted to be conceited, is made humble by his weakness and God is thereby shown to be strong because God is mighty in human weakness.

God’s grace covers us, friend. When we can’t accomplish what we would like, as we stumble and falter over the hard thing(s) in our lives, God is shown to be powerful, God is shown to be mighty. He must increase, we must decrease!

I know, it’s not fun. It’s easy to want to give up, to not try, to quit dreaming, to quit hoping. But if we are hoping in His strength, when we are watching for His grace to show up and see us through, He gets all the glory. People will start taking note of our awesome God, and isn’t that actually what we really want, even more than meeting the goal or seeing the dream come true?

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Photo Credits: Olia Gozha, Lurm, Robb Leahy

How to Have FUN on a Hard Day

[image error]Do you ever get the feeling that your life is weird? Maybe you’re, I don’t know, sitting in your daughter’s room with sunglasses on, lights turned off, hiding from the noise of the blender and hoping your children aren’t destroying the kitchen. That’s me, right now. Then again, you might  be rushing around trying to get to all the things and having supper in your car on your way to a meeting just praying you have enough energy to make it through till you can hit your bed. Maybe your life looks absolutely bizarre as you try to describe it to someone you consider “normal,” someone living a regular life.

Only, who is living a regular, uncomplicated, “normal” life? Aren’t we all going through something challenging?

Last week, someone told me they couldn’t believe I was smiling with what I was going through (suffering with daily debilitating migraines), but I can’t imagine how hard her life is right now because she just lost someone she loves. But we were both choosing to smile. For me, part of that is choosing to be goofy, to act silly, to look at things in an odd way and laugh about strange things like sitting in my house with my sunglasses on.

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So, what do we do on a hard day? How do we handle, let’s be honest and call it what it is, disappointment. Disappointment that the life we are living is not what we thought we were signing up for. Perhaps disappointment in ourselves for even feeling disappointed. Disappointed that we are just struggling to recognize things to feel grateful for because we should just be happy to be alive. It’s more important than ranting, it’s about being honest. I have been reading the Psalms again and I can’t tell you what a comfort it is to see how David gets worked up about the hard things in his life. And who was he telling? God. So maybe we shouldn’t be scared of telling God how we feel on a hard day. Just admit, “This isn’t what I wanted.”

And then, let your kid do your make-up.

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At least, that’s what I did today. One daughter did my make-up while another shot pictures of the whole silly thing. Then, we had popcorn for lunch (though I had to hide in the other room while it was popping). We have laughed about the oddest things, listened to a funny podcast, sat around quietly reading, discussed a new historical drama, and generally enjoyed ourselves. And yes, the kids are helping with supper. I cooked the sauce and they are blending it and then emptying the dishwasher because we are a team.

I used to feel like I had nothing in me to give my kids, but when I started recognizing where I could delegate and spread out some of the responsibilities, our home began functioning again. I know it sounds strange, but this spreading around responsibilities actually gave us room for fun again because I was no longer preoccupied with all I couldn’t get to. I know I have teased in the past that I felt as though my kids were stealing my sanity, but when it comes to being on my team and making our family work (when I can get them to stay on task) they are actually protecting the heart of our home, protecting our fun.

And there are other people who divide up the workload outside our home, other people who have graciously volunteered to be on our team. As I’ve finished writing this particular blog (because my head wouldn’t let me finish it in one day), the kids are over at a friend’s house and then heading to karate because I simply can’t drive most days anymore. I don’t know what I would do without other adults helping shoulder the burden that my illness creates. You know what’s amazing? They don’t make me feel like a burden, and that protects the fun also.

I don’t know what your life is like right now; you could use that phrase: You don’t know my life! and you would be right. I do pray you can admit and then let go of your disappointment. I pray you can choose to smile and find a team of people to help you spread out and divide up the responsibilities so you can get back to finding ways to have fun, even on hard days.

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Photo credit: Hannah Tasker, Ben White, Katherine R. Roe

For a free, early electronic copy of my upcoming book Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope, please contact me here.

Of Looming Monsters and Perfect Peace

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I thought I was past all of this, but I guess I’m not. The closer I move towards publishing Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of Hope, the closer I find certain monsters loom. Fear and anxiety have come calling again and the other night I could not drown out their voices. Why, God? Haven’t I learned this lesson? Don’t I know that You are good and that You will provide? Don’t I know that my success relies on You and not on me?

But still, I couldn’t sleep.

The next morning, I found myself toting each fear, one by one, to God. I am a helpless child, barely able to stand, I cannot carry what I thought I could. Lord, I’m worried about reaching the right people with this story of hope, but I know that You are bigger than my fear. Will You carry this for me? Lord, I am concerned about the expense of raising our kids and caring for my sister, but You have always taken care of us before. Will You do so once again? Lord . . .

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My mind is a shifting, fragile thing. It tremors in terror as it looks on the world’s instabilities. It concentrates on the negative, it shuts out memories of what God has done for our family in the past.

It isn’t as though I don’t know the truth. It isn’t as though I haven’t learned from it, used it to teach my children, even ladies I ministered to — but still, my weak mind falters and I have to retrain it.

I have to know myself, know my vulnerabilities to recognize that my head, the source of my chronic migraines, is also the source of my war with depression and anxiety. In the past, I allowed too much to pull me away from what God wanted. My over-achieving personality drove me into a deep illness, and physically I have not quite recovered from it. Where on earth did I go wrong?

I overwhelmed myself with the advice of experts (who didn’t know me)
I neglected personal, life-giving relationships (with those who did know me)
I allowed conflict to deter me from asking for help when I needed it most
I did not practice healthy self-care

There are so many things I can now look back on and say, “If only I hadn’t stressed about ___________” But that’s hindsight and though we need to learn from the past, in order to move forward, we need to recognize what God desires us to do now. We have to truly understand what it means to take thoughts captive and make them submit to our Lord, Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). In order to do so, we have to recognize them.

I admit, I still wrestle with this. Just the other day my husband and I had an oh-so-not-comfortable conversation about something that had slid in under my radar. During our fifteen-year-marriage, I have learned how much I need my husband’s words of wisdom. When I recognized the truth of what he was pointing out, I realized that if I hadn’t been neglecting my practice of journaling and prayer time, I might have caught the problem sooner. I know that not everyone is an introspective journaler or even should be. What I am saying here is that I have discovered that journaling is one of the ways that God uses to make me aware of what is going on in my heart and mind.

[image error]I also have to make myself available to correction. Notice that my husband was the one who helped me see what had crept in? He’s so good for me because he knows me and loves me and I can trust him to speak the truth in love. I have some other sweet friends who have my permission to watch out for me like this.

Most of us need some time in which to think, to examine, to allow the Holy Spirit to shine His spotlight on what’s lurking in the shadows. We each need “life-giving relationships” to help us see what’s trying to creep in.

Many of you know, I struggle with self-condemnation. I think thoughts like

I’m not doing enough
I’m too busy
I’m not capable
I’m too self-indulgent

I don’t know what your thoughts might be, what lies sneak in and keep you from focusing on God, keep you from recognizing Him as Lord over all areas of your life. The thing is, I don’t have to know, the Holy Spirit does. He wants to help you identify those weak areas, help you capture them, bring them into submission so that you can see them in relation to God. When I look at the lies and fears next to my great and mighty God, I am astounded by how tiny they actually are and how awesome He is. In that moment, I remember how good He has been to me, how well He provides for me and my family. Suddenly I remember that He can take care of publishing and bank accounts and bickering children and even getting supper on the table. When I make it a practice to bring my thoughts before the Lord, He fills my heart and mind with peace and joy. I find myself worshipping Him!

Are you perhaps a bit like me, struggling to sleep some nights or maybe having anxious thoughts? Ask God to show you how to bring your dark corners to light, be it through journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or maybe going for a walk without any other distractions so you can think and lift up your thoughts as they come. I am praying for you, friend! Aren’t you glad we are on this journey together and that God’s not through with us yet?

If you would like a free electronic copy of my book, please contact me here

Photo Credit: Annie Spratt, Ben White, Maranatha Pizarras

Rejoice Always… Even in Laundry and Migraines

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Oh, the joys of having a chronic illness! You think I jest, but I don’t. You think I’m crazy, and though that is true, there is actually a strange joy to be found in the life of one who suffers. Many of you can relate who may to the struggle, though not with a chronic illness. I think we who struggle have learned to hold tight to certain things that matter and have had to learn to relax our grip on other things, things that we might try to juggle “if only . . .” But the truth is, this is our present reality and we must learn to surrender, pace ourselves, and learn to let our lives flow so we can keep going.

Several times debilitating chronic migraines have interrupted my life and the life of my family. Twice in high school, once in college, and three/almost four years ago the pain descended again and has turned everything upside down — but what if it’s turning things right-side up?

It’s odd to me that laundry, once the bane of my existence, has become a source of hope[image error] for me. Believe me, I know that sounds strange! Over a year ago, we became a family of six when my husband, three children, and I began caring for my brain-injured sister. Due to incontinence issues with my sister, it is rare to not need to start the day washing bedclothes. Originally, I dreaded beginning the day this way, but it has become something that I can do even with a pain level of seven. I have begun to look at things with this perspective, that even if I can do only a little, I can celebrate the fact that God has helped me do something. Typically, I find myself running at least a couple of loads a day, and depending on how I am feeling and what my pain level allows, I often can get them folded and have family members help put them away. If I’m really struggling, my kids help with the folding.

I know this sounds like common sense, but there is a great deal at work here. There is recognition of what is actually going on in my body. I have to assess honestly what my pain level is, what household chores I can accomplish with the energy I have and what I need to ask for help with. Here rests the strange balance with surrender and pacing and a life that flows.

[image error]Over the years I have had to seek counsel to help me through the depression/anxiety that follows me around like a shadow as I deal with chronic pain. One word comes up over and over again with my therapists: control. I have little to no control over the pain. There are techniques, treatments, therapies, but the pain is an ever-present part of my life, even during seasons of “remission” when it is not as severe or debilitating. The truth is, I want to do all the things and I want to do of them well. As a Christian, I say I believe God is in control, but I act like I need to do it all myself. I have to surrender my illusion of control, discover things I can do on hard days and then release everything else. Surrender isn’t easy, but when I release, I find immense joy in watching how God meets my needs.

I find that as I humble myself and ask for help, He teaches my kids how to have servant-hearts and develops compassion in them. He nurtures friendships with kind people that I may never have gotten to know well, people who are willing to help me with my responsibilities. Suddenly I discover I am grateful for things I took for granted before, services like grocery pick-up, convenient appliances like my washer and dryer. It’s easy to become embittered with ongoing relentless pain, but when I realize what I do have, it makes all the difference in how my life can flow forward. I can discover with a new-found heart of gratitude how best to pace myself and I’m not spinning downward in a spiral of self-recrimination for what I can’t do.

I discover, to my joy, that I’m thankful for these hard lessons, for learning how I need to surrender and pace myself. I discover that though I don’t enjoy the pain, I’m so grateful that God can use it in my life to refine me, to make me more like Him, I pray.

So, I may be crazy, but there is joy in this life of pain. I feel as I am getting ever closer to publishing my book, Memoirs of a Headcase: Held by the God of HOPE, I’m discovering more and more reasons to hope and rise above the pain. I think a great many of us have hard things in our lives like this that can chase us to rejoice.

If you would like to read an early (FREE) electronic copy of the book, please contact me here.

Photo credits: Wout Vanacker, Priscilla du Preez, Dan Gold

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