Ari Shaffer's Blog, page 3

Getting past the fear after a layoff

A layoff can leave you feeling a little lost. Today, I’m sharing 3 Do’s and 4 Don’ts that will help you to get things back on track and make your job search a little easier and a lot more productive. If you need more help with your job search, please reach out to me at ariciashaffer.com/contact

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Introducing the Discover Your Calling Podcast

Welcome to the first episode of Discover Your Calling with Aricia Shaffer. This week, we’ll talk about the most important and most often missed aspect of the job search. We’ll also talk about how following your passion may lead you down the wrong path and why starting your job search by narrowing things down too early can lead you through a string of unsatisfying jobs. I’ll also tell you about one simple exercise that can shift your perspective and make your job search easier and more successful from day one. The next NAIL Your Job Search workshop starts September 5th, 2023 in case you want to get started on finding your best career right away.

The post Introducing the Discover Your Calling Podcast appeared first on Aricia Shaffer.

7 Steps to Launch Your Blog

We’re collectively entering a new reality – a renaissance. Yuval Noah Harari has told us that AI will take us a revolutionary leap into completely new technological territory and coronavirus is certainly providing fertile ground for that.

As we move to relying more on developing digital relationships to provide human connection, businesses are scrambling for more of an online presence. It’s not only a shift to online, but learning to effectively communicate the warmth and humanness normally reserved for face to face meetings. Innovation rules, but in terms of connecting with clients, blogs provide a rich environment for businesses to communicate not only an expertise, but compassion, care, and the human touch they bring to their work.

Articles and white papers can help establish you as an expert. They’re full of facts and charts and evidence. All of that has its place, but blogs provide an opportunity to build trust through more of an emotional bond. People walk away not only with the feeling that they learned something, but also that they like the teacher. Blogs tend to be more casual, more of an extended hand and a feeling of grabbing your preferred beverage with a friend. It’s sitting down for a chat. When times are uncertain and challenging, a blog can feel like a life raft or even a sanctuary.

For most businesses, having a consistent blog that people can rely on is vital. Knowing that every Monday, they will have something helpful, insightful or uplifting from you in their inbox helps build familiarity and breeds trust. A weekly blog is a good place to start.

At this time, a blog that is 1,500 – 2,000 words hits a search engine’s sweet spot. And you want to have a few key words in there too so when someone searches, they can find your article. Littering it with key words, however, is considered bad form.

So, how do you get started?

I’m an author, but blogs are my bread and butter. I’ll share a few of the things that have helped me be more efficient and effective for my clients who are mostly coaches, counselors, helpers and healers.

For clients who want to write their own blogs, I suggest they get into the mindset one or two days a month and write a handful of blogs all at once. As with anything else, once you get started on a project, it’s easier to keep going rather than trying to get into that head space once every week.

Here are the steps I suggest:

Maintain awareness: As you go through your days, try to notice things that seem funny or strange or take note of any insights you have on subjects that may interest or concern your clients. A business coach may learn something new at a leads group or may gain insights during an online course or conference. Keep a list of possible blog topics.

Along with this, take pictures. Pictures draw people in more than words initially. Faces are good, but you need permission for that and these days, we’re not running into too many people! As an alternative, try an interesting angle, but keep the photos related to the topic. A picture used just to draw attention can erode the trust you’re trying to build.

Think abstractly – a micro picture of seeds coming up is apt in the early summer along with the topic of new growth. A literal photo to express a figurative expression of personal growth. You might share a photo of an encouraging little painted rock you found on a walk and talk about gratitude or creativity. A picture of autumn leaves can provide a backdrop to discuss letting go or changing seasons of life.

You can also look for stock photos online, but make sure they’re not copyrighted. You can buy stock photos, but I find it easier to just keep a cache of photos I’ve taken in my phone. If they match your brand, even better. Perhaps you utilize nature photos on your web site and have nature photos on the wall behind you when you do calls.

Once or twice a month – preferably on the same schedule – pull that list out and jot down a few notes. Try to think of a fresh perspective or a twist or an unexpected opposite. For example, write about eating more to lose weight, socializing more during isolation (safely, of course), instead of winding down in the fall, write about why that’s the best time to start something new. Expound on the topics that grab your attention the most. Use the pictures for further inspiration.

Mentally, instead of thinking “I need to write my blog,” get into a place of writing a letter to someone you care about. You might imagine one of your clients or imagine your potential client and write directly to them. If possible, find ways to weave in little stories or pieces of your life, insights you’ve had and how you felt about those insights.

Don’t worry about editing right now – you’re just having a conversation with a friend. Let it flow.

As a writer, I know that the inner critic can stop progress and be very discouraging. If you edit now, it can also slow you down. It’s a challenge to keep writing when the voice in your head questions everything and is asking obnoxious questions, throwing up road blocks.

To counter that inner critic, as you write, encourage yourself. Focus on what you’re doing right – “I like that” or “that’s good” or “yes” can keep you going.

Write until you feel done.

Then, walk away and take a break. Eat lunch, take a wander around the block, or stretch.

Now, come back to your writing. Is it one blog or are there multiple themes that should be divided into separate blogs? Think about what makes sense logically and pull it apart if necessary. Keep everything. It may grow up to be another blog someday.

Once you’ve done that, come back to your original blog and read it out loud. That’s how it will sound to the reader. And when I say that, I mean literally out loud. It will sound different than it does in your head. Add, subtract, adjust, rearrange.

Next, look at the language. What is helpful for your clients? What will they take away from what you’ve written that will enhance their life or make it easier, more joyful or more productive? Blogs should include our insights and experience, but the goal is to connect with and help the reader in some way. If it’s appropriate to share a vulnerability or story from your life, it’s a nice way to connect – but make it useful for the reader. Connect the dots for them from your experience to how it helps them.

While you’re looking at the language, consider the title of your blog. You might want to
play with it a bit using a headline tool like aminstitute.com It will tell you whether or not
your title is effective.

The goal is not to get them to buy something but to reach back, to connect and learn
more.

Now we’re at the editing stage. Check the grammar and spelling and punctuation. There are tools you can get to help with this like grammarly.com Take a look for key words. These are words placed strategically throughout your blog so that search engines can help readers find your article. Don’t get crazy. Just a few go a long way. Think about what you’re trying to convey and make sure that word shows up in your title and first sentence.

If you like, send it off to a couple friends or colleagues for suggestions or to proof read. Once you get rolling, you won’t need to do this, but for now, it can help. Even better if you have a few colleagues who can hold each other accountable, brainstorm, and proofread for one-another.

Before you move to the next step, take another break. Another walk or stretching session. Get some water.

Back at your desk, go through your list of possible blog posts again and add notes while you’re in the blogging mindset. No need to write an entire blog unless you want to, but just write down any thoughts, insights or new blog ideas. The next time you come back to your list, you’ll have several blogs already started – and that makes it easier.

Using this method, over time, blogging will become easier. You’ll be able to pull out your list and find outlines for numerous blogs already in place. That helps you get into the mindset faster, allowing you to write more than one blog at a time. Ideally, you’d like to have at least a month’s worth of blogs in the pipeline. That way, if you have a particularly busy week or two, you have blogs ready to go. And I promise you – it gets easier.

My Dear Trans Friends

I’ve been involved in the G/L/B/T community for – good God – probably 30 years. I attended my first drag show in Des Moines, Iowa in the mid-80’s and I thought it was just fantastic. It was so exuberant. These guys were able to put themselves out there and really express themselves artistically. I was happy for them. I went to my first PrideFest in Minneapolis when I was 23 and I met the most amazing people. The freedom was so overwhelming to see – people sobbing happy tears for having a place they could be themselves openly – where they could be accepted and loved.

I identify as gender fluid and pansexual, but never had that big, huge “coming out of the closet” moment. No one is really all that surprised if I have occasion to talk about it. Most people don’t need to ask to know this about me. I don’t remember facing prejudice or violence because of how I identified – apart from a few sour faces. I think certain members of my family struggled with it – particularly my older parents – but I think that came out of fear for what it meant for me.

As we move through #metoo and #timesup and speak our truth, I just want to wrap my arms around my trans brothers and sisters and let them know they are not forgotten. I don’t have all the statistics in front of me right now – I prefer to look at the people. And what I’m seeing is that my trans friends are being assaulted often and violently and they are not finding the support they need – and that breaks my heart.

Brava/Bravo to every survivor who is speaking up and speaking out. And if you are trans, know that we’re thinking of you and including you and our hearts go out to you as you speak your truth and heal.

Please feel free to email me at booksbyari@gmail.com with questions or comments.

Treatment Approaches

Dr. Newman, from my book, The Timeshare, doesn’t believe in integration. This is a hot topic among therapists. Some feel traumas must be remembered and integrated so that all alters come together. Trauma after trauma after trauma is remembered, felt fully and integrated. One of the problems with this is that if there was considerable abuse, therapy can go on for a very long time. 

Another issue is that therapists are finding that some clients are coming back after integration with another layer of alters to integrate. Dr. Newman feels that it’s best to help his clients understand and optimize their system – thus bringing them into functionality quickly and keeping them there as much as possible. 

Therapists used to believe that all skills would be retained after integration but learned that that’s not always true. And that can be devastating to clients. Imagine losing your ability to speak another language, play an instrument, ski or cook. 

And so the goal for some therapists is to help clients become co-conscious and to make agreements on how to get along, how to resolve problems, how to work together. In co-consciousness, all of the alters are aware of what each is doing. And learning to work together allows systems to maintain relationships, hold down a job and remain healthy. 

If you are living with DID, there are treatment options so explore the different approaches to treatment and find one that’s comfortable for you.

One of the books you might find helpful, in addition to The Timeshare, is a short book of exercises that can help multiples learn to work together. It’s a great addition to therapy. It’s called “Who Parked the Car?” by Ellyn Stevens. It’s available on Amazon.

Where Change Starts

We’ve heard so much recently about sexual assault by people in positions of power and finally – F I N A L L Y – they are being held accountable. And the men I adore – they are truly heroes – are those willing to come forward and say “I’m confused about what constitutes harassment. Help me understand.” The men who are asking questions, who are coming into awareness of what women go through, who are grappling with whether or not they have been a part of gender bias. Thank you. This is one of the places change happens. Sebastian Stan was on the Shane Show and #metoo was one of the topics covered. This is where we start to heal.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFXDQ...

When I worked as a therapist, I would occasionally be assigned a client who had raped someone. Early on, I was shocked – absolutely shocked – to learn that most of the time they were genuinely confused. Most had committed statutory rape or date rape and while it was crystal clear to their victim what had happened, to them, the offender thought it was consensual. I had assumed rapists held the intention to assault. And it was a huge moment of enlightenment to me – the intention of one person can be completely different from the perception of another.

So what constitutes rape and how can we prevent it? I was recently interviewed by Kitty at Loving Without Boundaries http://lovingwithoutboundaries.com/ and we talked about consent. I think this is another place we start to make the change. Consent needs to be taught in schools – and taught very early on. Kids in pre-school should begin learning that they can refuse a hug or touch – and to respect that boundary, to ask – “Can I give you a hug?” As kids go through school, it should be part of health classes, life skills and should pervade the general atmosphere of the school.

Where else do you feel we can begin to plant seeds of change?

 

The Light of Day

In The Timeshare, I deal with issues around child abuse and rape. Current events are stirring up memories for so many people and my heart goes out to you. For others, there is shock and concern – they have children and are worried about what all this means for the future. The thing to remember is that this has always been going on, but now – finally – people can speak up and reveal what happened to them. They will finally be believed. They will finally be heard. Their truth is finally seeing the light of day. This is a time of healing.

As I’m listening to the me too stories, the times up posts, I’m encouraged by the strength and courage of survivors. Connie Chung just came forward. Ellen Degeneres shared her story again. And each time someone shares, it provides space for others to remember and heal. They may not do it publicly, but even if they just tell the truth to themselves, it provides the opportunity to shine a light of healing into a dark area. 

Please remember that it’s not only women and girls who are being sexually assaulted and that men struggle to speak up as well. We need to support and encourage them to tell their truth, to find support and care. My concern is that I’m seeing a tendency to separate men and women – one as the offender, the other as victim. In truth, we are all in this together. As we saw with Steve in The Timeshare, he knew he was expected to be strong and also found it hard to find and accept support. 

All of this is also making think, especially for trans friends who have faced incredible prejudice and violence. but that’s another blog post for another day. For now, my thoughts are with everyone who is healing. It can be scary to speak your truth, but it can also be enormously liberating. There is no right or wrong way to speak up. Do what’s right for you. 

The audio version of The Timeshare is out and on audible. Adam Riley is a terrific narrator, so stop by for your copy of the book. And if you have questions or comments, please email me at booksbyari@gmail.com  And if you’d like to keep up with the day to day musings, follow sebi_godwulf on Instagram.

Your Questions

The Timeshare went on sale a few days ago and I’m getting emails with excellent questions. One that I’ve heard a lot is – Why isn’t Sophie hospitalized? (Sophie is my protagonist’s wife and she’s living with multiple personality disorder.)

Mental illness is most both chronic and widespread. About 25% of Americans are living some form of mental illness and there aren’t enough resources, so care falls to the family. Even with great insurance and financial resources, adequate care often can’t be found. Therapists I spoke with told me three things that are at the root of the problem: care is expensive and there are gaps in coverage, we have a shortage of experts and there is still stigma to seeking help.

When did the problem start? Truthfully, we’ve never had great, consistent care for the seriously mentally ill, but part of the issue is the Community Mental Health Centers Act of 1963. The reasoning for this law was that the less restrictive the care, the better for the individual’s civil liberties. To be fair, the psychiatric hospitals in the 60’s were pretty scary. But there were unintended consequences to this law which emphasized outpatient care and limited inpatient treatment.

Good outpatient care works pretty well for the vast majority of people with mild to moderate mental health issues, but it’s not designed to help people with more serious problems. Mental illness is typically chronic and it ebbs and flows. People have good days and bad days. Someone with depression, for example, may do pretty well with day to day life most of the time but need some additional support on occasion and a rare spot of intensive help. Someone with bi-polar may need to be inpatient every few years when meds need to be adjusted. But we don’t have the resources to help people who need intensive help a lot of the time so at this point, those without families to care for them often wind up homeless or in jail.

Even those with families can wind up alone. Being mentally ill isn’t fun and people living with these conditions can have alienating behaviors. Financially, it can take a real toll as well. Care is expensive, but the mentally ill person may not be able to work and their caretaker may need to take a lower paying job in order to be more available. Additionally, some mental illnesses can manifest in impulsive behaviors that can be costly. Cutting the mentally ill person loose may feel like a matter of survival for families. One family I spoke with had invested so much in their son’s care that they couldn’t afford to send their other three kids to college. But they felt they had no choice. 

It’s not all bleak though. A lot of programs are coming up to try to address the gaps in care. One online resource a therapist told me about is: https://www.dailystrength.org/  People can connect with others, share resources and support each other. Families can find support there too. Faith communities and community resource centers may also provide programs. And there are representatives working to try and change the laws for better access to care for those with serious, chronic issues.

Early intervention is key as it can help prevent a downward spiral. Sometimes a little consistent care can help people regulate their moods, remember meds and maintain healthy habits.

The Response

The Timeshare comes out 9/4, and we’re having events where I’m sharing part of the audio book and the response is bringing me to tears. So many people are impacted with mental health issues – whether they have a diagnosis, they’re a caretaker or someone they love is struggling. They come up to me afterwards and tell me their story – and how this book is helping them to feel heard and understood.

Caretakers, especially, are the unsung heroes. We have a shortage of resources for people who are dealing with neurodiversity, so their care can fall to the family. But families aren’t trained professionals – knowing how to help is hit and miss. They also don’t know how to shield themselves from the emotional energy drain and boundaries are tough to draw.

In my book, Kevin and Steve talk about this – that it can feel like you’re pouring your energy into someone you love, only to see it siphoned off by the illness.

There are resources out there, but sometimes they’re expensive. Consider checking out your local government and faith communities – they sometimes offer group support and private counseling. One of the hardest things about caretaking is dealing with the isolation. As Dr. Newman suggests in my book, a hobby can be a life-saver – providing you with a break, something to take your mind off of things and something to feel passionate about. Something to think about.

Jessica Fern

The Timeshare is an important book that humanizes and compassionately deals with common issues that are rarely discussed. By removing the stigma around mental illness, diversity in human sexuality and relationship orientation, the author helps us all confront and even heal from the belief that different is wrong. This is a timely book for people living with differences as well as their partners and caregivers. The Timeshare will also be interesting and eye-opening for anyone is wants a deeper understanding of the multiple ways that the mind and love can be expressed.
Jessica Fern, MS

Psychotherapist and Coach