Samantha Schutz's Blog, page 2

Nat'l Poetry Month contest submissions: Part I

Check it out. The first poems are coming in. What do you think?



Colleen Kennedy, age 15 

The Unknown

I don't know what's going to happen next
And that alone makes me scared to death
My hands will eventually start to sweat
I'll lose my breath
And all the while my heart will be beating fast
I wish I could make this calmness last
 
But not now 
Not again
Inside I'm screaming
Can you hear me?
Am I going crazy?
'Cause I can't think clearly
I'm losing control
I feel like letting go
How can I cope?
Tell me 
'Cause I don't know
 
Right now just leave me alone
I don't want your touch 
You can hold me later on
God know's I'll need it then
When the after depression starts sinking in
I'll just wait for these feelings 
To subside 
These tears 
To dry
The  fact they always have 
Brings me hope

Stephanie Faith Sizeland, age 19

Stop the bleeding

As she heads for the book shelf

She apologizes to herself once more

"I'm sorry, I can't take it anymore."

She lifts up her book titled "Glass"

"Story of my life" she whispers…

Underneath hides a secret kept from the world

The story of a broken girl.

She picks up the translucent piece

Sharpened edge

Sharper than the rest

In need of one more release.

Glass to skin, she carves

Another scar

One more line to match the rest

Closes her eyes and lets it slide

"This is the last time." She lies.

As the blood runs, she weeps

Always abides by her one rule

"Never too deep".

The lines are straight

She holds her arm to the light

Studying the horizontal cuts

Always left to right.

Never does it for attention

Or sympathy from anyone

Does it for herself

Because she feels she has no choice

Not tonight, not ever.

It's about stopping.

It's about having the courage to stop.

Having the strength.

Relief is possible without the knife.

Don't cut your life short.

Make an effort to stop.

Make an effort to get better.

Tell someone you love.

Help someone you know.

Stop the scars.

Stop the bleeding.Some days

All I want is to end it.

End the pain

in my heart and from the blade.

C.S., age  15

Some days

I don't feel like I can live.

I cannot breath

I think this is the end now.

Some days

I do not have any hope.

"Look at yourself.

Your goals will end in failure."

Days like these,

I have to cut myself up

To put things back together.

There is no other way.

But TODAY

I will persevere through it.

I will beat this.

There are ways for me to win.

Today

I will smile.

I will put down the blade.

I will survive.

Today

I will live.

 

Kelcie H., age 13

Captured In Hiding:



When he leaves it's already black

struggling to breathe but there's no turning back

i find myself frozen when he turns around

he takes a little step closer

i spin down

hoping it will only be a pound….or two

here he comes closer and closer and

takes his shoe and chucks it at me

i try not to cry as he tosses me around

with not even a doubt

i hear him shoot

something which sounded like a gun

but he gets closer and closer and aims

for what seemed to be me

so here i am straining to breathe, i whisper

no daddy please

but one big bang can do it all

i am getting dizzier and dizzier..

then it all seemed to be……

over.

Nicole Easterwood, age 20

Because We Were Different

I remember when eighty-four pounds

made me feel obese.

And looking in the mirror

was excruciating.

Not being able to see

what Jo saw

and her not being able to see

that the cuts gracing her ankles

were killing me.

Turmoil.

Not believing that people cared.

Not believing that they could see

through translucent skin.

Masquerading through,

jumping at inconspicuous apparitions,

both tangled within a web

positioned in a fool's paradise.   

"Fucking loser."

"Fat ass piece

of worthless shit."

"Ghost."

"Why

don't

you

just

die."

"Robin

is

dead."

All slashing away

at a heart

that was fighting

not to bleed out.

Remembering the time when I didn't know

That Jo was cutting,

because someone was abusing her

when they drank to forget.

All of the beer cans she discovered

stored underneath the house,

like no one would ever uncover them.

Dirty little secrets swept under the rug

when they were already written on the walls

and displayed like a painting in a museum. 

The time when I wasn't honest with her

when I was starving myself

and my skin was fervent.

When depression devoured me

and I couldn't pull myself from bed.

When I wouldn't talk

to doctors out of shame.

Feeling guilty for lying to Jo.

Wondering if she knew.

The real reason behind the scars

made into a fairytale

with a happy ending of healing

without risk of madness. 

The times I could hear

voices talking about me.

Being betrayed

by people I trusted.

Putting up with it,

so I wouldn't have

to sit alone at lunch.

Getting pelted with objects

in bathroom stalls.

Silence.

Loneliness.

The force-field surrounding

everything I loved

being destroyed by meteors.

My mouth numb,

mind howling. 

What would everyone think

if I admitted I was what I was?

What would they think

if they knew the truth?

Fifteen years of age,

high school freshman.

Depressed,

anxiety ridden,

suicidal,

possibly anorexic

and/or bulimic.  

Problems,

problems,

problems solved

by the warm side of a lighter

or blazing heat of a stove eye.

"I'm such a klutz,"

used as a ploy.

Coming home everyday

feeling worse than the last.

Multiple failures, pleading

each would be enough

to be released.  

Because we were different.

Because we couldn't find

ways to deal.

Because the pain

was too immense.

Time is all we have.

It's been almost six years.

Ages ago we believed

that healing was nowhere.

Love and light were gone

and there was only one way out.

To feel nothing,

to give into

a twisted minds

hankering.

Now, there is only a vast ocean

swimming with possibilities

and we are digging

our feet into the sand

trudging towards it.  

It's still there.

And I don't know

when it's presence

will fully vacate our chests.

There is always the fight.

We will tussle,

because we are worth it.

Always together,

never apart. 

We will be grateful for this day,

feel the wind hit our cheeks

and sun's warmth on our backs

and just breathe,

breathe,

breathe.

Shannon Bradley, age 40



Death by volcano takes many forms:

the boy who lived within might fly out and attack,

perform the rituals designed to appease

But she had been asked inside.

She knew searing lava, suffocating mud,

seismic restlessness

She sucked in a breath

She let herself imagine

the expansion of his chest.

Everything's going to be all right.

Everything's going to be.

Danielle Alison, age 14

Presence in the Sunset



The beautiful oranges,

reds and yellows.

They form over the

crystal blue waters.

The waves,

calm as the breeze.

The breeze feels nice

in the warm air.

The warm air brushes

upon her face.

She looks to her right

and sees him.

He is walking in the

beautiful horizon.

She cannot see his face,

but knows it is him.

She becomes excited

to see him,

but has to quickly hide

her expression.

Looking back out

to the waters,

She pretends not

to realize his existence.

They are the only two

on the beach.

After a few minutes,

she forgets he is

even there.

The waves start to rise,

splashing at her feet.

The warm waves

are soothing.

She feels a presence,

suddenly remembering

The boy she was

once in love with.

He sits behind her,

wrapping his arms

around her waist,

and kisses her neck.

"I'm so sorry,"

he whispers softly.

"Forgive me?

Take me back?

I'll make everything

better if you do."

His voice is hopeful.

Watching the sunset,

and feeling the waves,

who could not forgive him,

for his sweet presence?

2011 Poetry Contest and It Gets Better project

Hey friends. I wanted to let you know about the It Gets Better project. It falls right in line with the goal of my blog YouMakeMeFeelLessAlone (a place where people can submit writing about mental illness or other things they are struggling with). Sparked by incidents of LGTB kids being bullied and committing suicide, Dan Savage (the well-known sex columnist) created the It Gets Better campaign of video diaries from LGTB and stright people who are speaking about how life gets better after those wretched teenage years. I am honored to know several people that have contributed videos. There is also an It Gets Better book available now! Check out the videos, the book, and the site. Maybe you'd even like to contribute a video. Go to: www.itgetsbetter.org

The sentiment of It Get Better doesn't have to be limited to LGTB issues. To celebrate National Poetry Month and get the word out about It Gets Better and YouMakeMeFeelLessAlone, I am holding a POETRY CONTEST (rules/prizes are below). Contribute your writing to YMMFLA and give others hope that dealing with issues like mental illness, addiction, sexuality, and relationships GETS BETTER!

The first-place winner will receive a prize back that includes:

It Gets Better by Dan Savage

I Don't Want to Be Crazy, by Samantha Schutz (me!): A poetry memoir about anxiety disorder

It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini: A novel based on the author's experiences while hospitalized for depression

Cut by Patricia McCormick: A novel about self-mutilation

Talking in the Dark by Billy Merrell: A poetry memoir about the author's awakening sexuality, and his quest to find love and acceptance while discovering himself in the process.

The two second place winners will receive copies of:

It Gets Better by Dan Savage

I Don't Want to Be Crazy, by Samantha Schutz.

Contest rules:

How do I enter?

1) Email ONE poem to samanthaschutz@hotmail.com BEFORE April 30 at 11:59pm EST.

2) Put "2011 Poetry Month Contest" in the subject line.

3) Copy and paste the three questions below into the top of your email. Then fill in the answers.

Do you want to post anonymously?

If not, how would you like your name to appear? (first name only, full name, initials, etc.)

What is your age? 

What are the guidelines?

-Keep poems to under 500 words.

-Posts must be original. By submitting to this contest you are certifying that this work is yours.

-Submit only about how dealing things like mental illness, addiction, sexuality, and relationship issues GETS BETTER! Posts that are off topic will NOT be posted.

-Take care and pride in your post. Please review your submission carefully before emailing me.

What else should I know?

-All poems will appear on youmakemefeellessalone.blogspot.com and samanthaschutz.net sometime during National Poetry Month (April 2011)

-Your post is yours. By posting you are NOT giving me any rights to your words.

-I will put links to this contest and the submissions Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, etc. 

-I am in no way affiliated with the It Gets Better Project

Fan photos based on You Are Not Here!

Google is an amazing thing. I get these lovely alerts when people are talking about my books. Well, Google told me that Nicole, one of the people who won the YANH photo contest, posted a flickr album with all her outtakes. I was so impressed (and honored) that Nicole put so much time and effort into the contest that I asked if I could post the outtakes and some info about her process! Check it out… (Too see the captions Nicole wrote for these pictures, click here.)

"Making the "You Are Not Here" photo shoot happen was trying. Mostly because the sister that was supposed to sit in as Annaleah was not available and it was raining all of the time. In the end it all came together and the grass dried out- sort of. Even if the wind blew like God was trying to show us that he didn't want my sister, Jordan, and I taking photos in a graveyard. We were as respectful as possible, promise. I chose a location that was behind one grave, but where we would not be walking on another. Also, I chose one where you could still see the basketball court in the distance- the place where Brain drew his final breath. The tombstone bit was tricky. It kept falling over, because I had thrown something in the trunk of my car that was heavy and it was just one of those Halloween ones that is made out of Styrofoam. Then, the pages on the National Geographic catalog wouldn't stay and feathers flew everywhere. I was running across the graveyard jumping over graves to catch them and delicately place them back where they were supposed to be. But it did come together after a month of semi-planning.

Planning it was even more difficult than making it happen, although, at one point I though December 20th would just pass by and I would forget or no one would be available to sit in. But Jordan didn't let me down and she wore the flowered dress like a champ, even though it was freezing cold and we had to switch out outer-gear- she got my sweater and I wore her boyfriend's jacket. BUT, it started off with me scouting possible graveyards. I drove around for miles thinking of where I had taken shots before, thinking of a specific place that would remind someone of what they read in the book…or reminding me for that matter. I parked my car, walked around for hours in various locations thinking and re-reading the book. Then, it hit me. Close to home. Like, I'm serious, the graveyard I chose is about seven miles away from my parent's house in the country, just outside a church that I pass at least once a week. I had never considered it until then and wasted so much gas and time. Then, it hit me again. It has a basketball court. It has a smaller church like I imagined when I was reading, You Are Not Here. Kismet!? A huge, stoke-able YES.

Then came the trying to find a fake apple, white rose, white feathers, digging up old NYU college catalog, sorting through my massive collection of all books Egyptian, travel catalogs, various books (including Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar and two novels by Elizabeth Peters—aka Egyptologist Barbara Mertz) and my old Mexican blanket that I adore. The most important part, for me, was the dress. I thought and sorted through a messy closet and room and found it. Small blue flowers spread across it. If I was going to do it, I wanted to do it right. I found the catalogs in a box underneath my bed from three years ago, the book (placed in front of the headstone and opened to King Tut's face) in a thrift store, so I wouldn't have to risk messing up one that I needed for school and research, the white rose and feathers I found at Hobby Lobby and the headstone and apple at a local store.

After the photo shoot was done and we were back in the car all warmed up and on the way home, I edited the photos, picked through what I thought was suitable, or would work. There were so many that I didn't use. Maybe over one hundred, but I was content with the outcome and had a blast doing it. Come to think of it, my other sister, Jo, did sit in for some photos that I could have used. They were by the river. It sort of reminds me of Annaleah watching fireworks with her friends and where she and Brian met. In the end, I would do it again. It was a blast and I'm fortunate enough to have the best sisters in the world that sit around in graveyards in pretty dresses and scale cliffs by rivers so we can get good water shots."

You Are Not Here Photo Contest Winners!

Thanks to everyone who submitted photos to the contest. It was great seeing through your eyes. Here are the three winning images.

Image #1
Name: Nicole Easterwood

Age: 20

Location: Alabama

What inspired this picture: The church my parents live down the road from has an amazing graveyard that includes a basketball court down from it and houses in the background. The atmosphere reminded me so much of what you describe in "You Are Not Here." From where Brian was playing basketball and died to Annaleah's visitation at his grave.

What quote from You Are Not Here is associated with this image: "Maybe you don't want to hear about this."

Image #2

Name: Heather Cole

Age: 19

Location: Tallapoosa, Georgia

What inspired this picture: I was inspired by Annaleah's feelings of needing to stay awake, and wanting to seal her eyes shut because she couldn't stop her crying.

What quote from You Are Not Here is associated with this image? "My eyes are burning they want to seal shut. They want a break from crying."

Image #3

Name: Amber McLain

Age: 18

Location: Grand Rapids, Michigan.

What inspired this picture? I saw that the leaves were falling because they were dying, so I decided to include them in the picture. By saying "nothing grows here besides grass," we are saying that even the living things here die, only the grass thriving.

What quote from You Are Not Here is associated with this image: "Nothing grows here besides grass."

Audio Excerpt from You Are Not Here!

Click here! to listen to an audio recording of me reading from You Are Not Here.

Great event with Ned Vizzini!

Last night I was at the B&N in Park Slope, NY with Ned Vizzini. I read a bit from You Are Not Here and I Don't Want to Be Crazy. Then Ned read from It's Kind of a Funny Story and a sneak peak from his new book–which will be out around Spring 2012. There was a great turn out, including loads of teens, which made for a really interesting Q&A session after the reading. Since both Ned and I have books that deal with teens and mental illness, most of the questions were on that subject. People wanted to know why we told our stories (his fictionalized and mine a memoir), where we thought we'd be with out the help of therapy, how our parents reacted to our struggles, and so much more!

The signing afterwards was a lot of fun too, especially since I could talk to people one on one for a moment.

Thanks to all who came out! And a big THANK YOU to Peaches Davis, who coordinated the event for B&N.

Here are some of the links I mentioned last night:

My website: http://samanthaschutz.net 

PHOTO CONTEST to celebrate the launch of You Are Not Here: http://samanthaschutz.net/site/?p=447 

You Make Me Feel Less Alone (this is a blog where YOU can post your experiences with the things that you are struggling with): www.youmakemefeellessalone.blogspot.com

Take a look at Ned's recent post about the "brain maps" from It's Kind of a Funny Story.

Ned Vizzini and I are reading at the Park Slope B&N 10/26

I'm so excited to be doing a reading with Ned Vizzini, author of It's Kind of a Funny Story–which was recently adapted for the big screen. It's at 7pm at the Park Slope Barnes and Noble (267 7th Ave, Brooklyn).



In my head (and now on my blog) I've been calling it the Mental Illness Tour Part Deux (we read together back in 2006) because It's Kind of a Funny Story is about depression and hospitalization and my first book is about anxiety disorder.

Now you may be thinking to yourself, this event sounds about as fun as going gluten free.  But Ned is amazingly charasmatic and HILARIOUS. And, well, I do my best. But most importantly, Ned and I are survivors. We've struggled with our brains and made it through…far enough to write books and speak about mental illness and encourage people to seek the help they need.

We'll be reading, and chatting, signing books, and taking questions. Hope to see you there!

Also, check out a post Ned did for You Make Me Feel Less Alone.

 

Party Time: Book Launch for You Are Not Here

About a week ago, I had the book launch party for You Are Not Here. It was at Book Court, a great independent bookstore in Brooklyn. I had such a good time—especially since I was surrounded by friends and family.  

The one thing that was a little hard was only getting to talk to each person for a moment. Usually, I'm not one to "circulate." If I'm at a party I'm much more likely to be sitting in a corner talking to friends than making the rounds. But I circulated with the best of them. But I do wish there was a way I could have spent more time with each person, but I guess that's just how it is.

I also did a reading for about 10-15 minutes. I think it's the best reading I've ever given (in part because I've been trying to be more theatrical as I read.) But mostly I think it was because I was standing in front of a crowd of people that love me. As I made eye contact during the reading, I could look out at my parents, sister, long time friends, my boyfriend, coworkers, and fellow authors (including Aimee Friedman, Melissa Walker, Micol Ostow, and graphic artists David Ostow and Tracy White). What a great feeling! Knowing that these people were my audience definitely helped calm my nerves.

So, the party's over. I can finally stop planning and worrying and obsessively checking the evite responses. And I have enough beer leftover to throw another party.

Thanks to everyone who came out to support me. It was a wonderful night!

Much love,

Sam

Biography

You Are Not Here Photo Contest

The awesome-ness of on-sale day is not just limited to You Are Not Here coming out. I am also launching a photo contest!

Entries will be accepted until 11:59pm (EST) December 20, 2010. Three winners will be announced January 10, 2011.

If your photo is chosen as one of the three winners, you will receive personalized/signed copies of You Are Not Here and my first book, I Don't Want to Be Crazy. 

What are the guidelines?

-All entries must be received by 11:59pm (EST) December 20th, 2010. The three winners will be announced January 10, 2011.

-Participants may only submit ONE original photo (no nudity, no stock photos, no photos that aren't yours).

-The photo must be based on a scene in You Are Not Here, or an image or theme that's raised in You Are Not Here.

-Your photo must be accompanied by a quote from You Are Not Here. 

How do I submit?

-Email your picture as an attachment to samanthaschutz@hotmail.com.

-Pictures must be a minimum of 72 dpi (150 dpi is better) and formatted as a jpg file.

-Put "You Are Not Here photo contest" in the email's subject line.

-Copy, paste, and answer theses five questions in the body of your email. 

Name?

Age?

Location?

What inspired this picture?

What quote from You Are Not Here is associated with this image (answer can be same as above)? 

What else should I know?

-ALL entries will be posted on my blog at www.samanthaschutz.net in the weeks leading up to January 10, 2011.

-ALL entry photos will also be posted on or linked to Facebook, Twitter, etc.

-By emailing your photo to me, you are certifying that YOU are the one that took this picture and that you alone have the right to publish it. I take no responsibility for fraudulent pictures.

-Your photo  is yours. By entering the contest you are NOT giving me any rights to your image.

———-

Here's an idea of what an entry might look like.

(Keep in mind, your pic doesn't have to be in a cemetery.)

Name: Samantha Schutz

Age: 31

Location: NYC

What inspired this picture: I love how a cemetery can be beautiful, but at the same time, really depressing.

What quote from You Are Not Here is associated with this image:

"Nothing grows here besides grass."