Tonya VanWinkle's Blog, page 2

Choices We Make

Earlier this evening, I returned from town and proceeded to show Momma the new light switch covers I found for her bathroom. Why does she need new ones? Because Cayenne and I started organizing her bathroom/closet and working on covering up the not so flattering green paint. The thing is whomever painted that bathroom, also painted the light switch covers as well as the ones for the outlets. Not only did they paint them, but they painted them with glitter or something mixed into the paint. It’s awful and I like glitter!

Now, this is not something we had to do. Mom did ask me to help organize her home and I’ve been doing that. The thing is I’ve noticed that a few things needed repaired or replace or touched up. I’ve seen or thought, “Momma would like/appreciate this” and so off I go singing my little happy tune. I like to organize. I like to decorate. I enjoy all things crafty. It keeps me busy and gives me something nice to do while I’m here.

It’s right up my alley of fun. The thing is it does take time, more than Momma probably cares for. It would take less time IF…

I had more hands on deck.
Money flowed like rivers, bills weren’t looming, and things were always on sale!
Little hands and paws stayed out of the way.
School breaks and weekends were non-existent.
Dinner magically appeared, the rest of the house stayed spotless, and every dish clean.

Projects take time because life does not stop moving forward and I am only one person. Cayenne is a big help when she is able to be here, but with all her puppies… Well, life for her is chaotic and loud at moment. Which I understand. If I had that many puppies I’d need one of them hug me jackets!

Today, I had planned on going to Lowe’s and working on the bathroom so more. However, there is no school here on Monday’s (which sucks) and then Holly called needing someone to take Hannah to a doctor’s appointment. Therefore, my day got rerouted and yet, I was able to snag a sale on the light covers! 50% at Hobby Lobby this week. I adore the fact that Hobby Lobby basically rotates their ads. I might have also snagged two little books that were on sale. Those darn books, they always get me.

Anyway, I was showing this light covers to Momma and she was getting all emotional and telling me that she’s sorry if I don’t feel appreciated and that she is just having a hard time being grateful right now.

I’ve NO idea what she’s talking about! So I’m thinking, uh, what happened today, what did I miss? She went to work and she was cleaning the kitchen when I came in. I did not do that before taking Hannah into the Dr. because I had been enjoying my coffee and writing. I was trying to finish a post before I had to leave. I knew the dishes would be there when I returned…well, until she took care of it that is.

I’m still not sure what has her upset, but it’s been slowly rolling out of her eyes all evening. I’ve caught it multiple times. She’s been super quiet and kinda lovey. Hugging on me, holding my hand and telling me she’s glad I’m here. Honestly, I’m a little worried. Something’s up and if not, my so called gift of discernment is way off. Did you ever take that, Ministries by Strength, test?

…and I got news for ya. If I find out someone hurt my Momma again, heads are gonna roll! I’m a pretty nice person for the most part, I think, I suppose I could be wrong. However, you don’t mess with my Momma. Many times I’ll turn the other cheek…but when it comes to Momma, you best be steppin’.

Now back to being nice…I decided to look up a few things.

First of all, we have all struggled with gratitude. Why else would gratitude journals be such a big hit! Secondly, it’s easy to feel grateful when things are peachy, not so much when they’re rotten. One blog I read said, When things are rough, we might be indulging a little too much on the “oh-poor-pitiful-me-pot“. She also says, that a reason we might struggle with gratitude is due to “an unexpected change that we have no control over.”

That is certainly a reason for Momma. She has no control over this health issue. She has no control over how it makes her feel, how it steals her energy and her breath. She has no control over the thoughts, actions and attitudes of those with whom she works with and for. Things are out of her hands, out of her control and it’s unpleasant. She’s run down, physically, emotionally, and mentally. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

Many feelings, such as love is as much an emotion as it is an action. Love is a choice you make daily. Once the giddy feeling is gone, it’s hard to feel love, simply because it is a choice. Kindness is a choice to. You may have had the worst waitress ever and you could let it ruffle your feathers, you could even decide not to leave her a tip… OR you could leave her a bigger tip in hopes that you brightened her day. You’ve no idea what she’s going through, maybe she was having an off day, maybe her husband left her for another, maybe her Momma has cancer… You just never know, so be kind. It’s hard to be kind when you feel you’ve been mistreated, but it is still a CHOICE, your choice.

So is Gratitude. It’s easy to feel grateful for this, that, and the other when life is good, but what about when it’s not? Momma bought the movie Coat of Many Colors and it came with the Christmas one as well. Both have been played multiple times here since Christmas Eve. I’ve even heard Halen trying to sound like the little girl that plays Dolly Parton, it’s super cute.

I think of the lyrics to that song… Dolly sounds mighty GRATEFUL for that donated box of little rags in every color and the coat her Momma made for her from them, don’t ya think? Times were hard, she had patches on her britches and holes in both her shoes. They had no money, yet she felt rich as she could be. Dolly chose to be grateful no matter her circumstances.

You know how light can push away the darkness? Well, simply being grateful can push away the negative aspects of life, just the same. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, choices are generally hard, feelings are easy. Choices become easier when they become a habit and feelings become hard when you have to choose them.

This blog post took a different route than what I’d originally planned to write about. I guess I’ll just have to write another one tomorrow. We’re gonna talk about “tooting your own horn“. Stay tuned and pray for my Momma please. She needs it and as always, if you feel called to chip in on her medical expenses we’d be more grateful than my simple words could ever express.

Love Y’all!

~Tonya

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I Feel Stuck

For some time now, I’ve thought I would like to move back to my home state of Missouri. Closer to my family, whom I have spent many years living far away from. I left Missouri at the ripe age of twenty-one. I married, I had a baby girl and we spent almost all our spare time with our extended family. I enjoyed them, but sometimes I wished for time with just my little family. I felt like we were always being pulled one way or another.

When the opportunity to move came down the line, I encouraged my husband to accept it. I had spoken at length with my Grandma about my feelings and she had told me, “Sometimes we have to leave home for awhile to become who we’re meant to be.” To this day, I believe she was correct, even the Bible encourages it.[image error]

I read that to leave and cleave is to help protect our marriages from outside influences, including family members. It is a way to help establish that you and your spouse are now ONE. In fact, to God, you are one body. Leaving and cleaving to one another is to teach you to work together and outside influences disturb that.

You have to spread your wings and learn to fly and you cannot do that if never leave home, or at least put some distance between you and your now “extended” family members. You have to learn to become your own before you can embrace your all. That’s pretty hard to do these days, there are all kinds outside influences and you can’t really isolate yourself for a time of learning and growing.

There are experiences I would love to not have gone through, but I know and understand that each of them shaped me and molded me into the woman I am today. Just as I am sure, that by this time next year, more shaping and molding will have occurred. You cannot move forward in life without constantly being molded in the potters hands. Your daily activities, thoughts and experiences are all apart of that.

You know the saying, “God broke the mold when he made me“? I believe that to be true for every individual as there are none of us the same. However, how can a mold actually be broken when it is constantly being shaped and reformed by time and experience?

When you are stuck and sitting still not much happens, except what’s going on inside your head. Thoughts are pretty powerful no matter what your body might be doing. Those thoughts are what move you in one direction or another. The thing is, you can feel stuck while still moving forward. You can simply feel stuck in time and that’s where I am.

I am not unhappy. I’m not miserable. I’m not going backwards. But I am stuck because everything is not in a line with the other. I am ready to return to Missouri and be nearer to family. Even my husband has felt the pull to live closer.

However, we currently live in Virginia and our children’s lives for the moment are there. Our son will graduate this May and begin college in the fall. Our daughter will begin her Senior year of college in the fall and then who knows where life will take her. Then there is my husband and he has a nice job, one he won’t retire from for a good while yet.

My world has revolved around my husband, his career(s) and our children. Our children are grown and beginning lives of their own. My husband travels from Spring to Fall and so there I am… stuck. Stuck in time and waiting to see what unfolds in the coming years. While the desire to return is great and the possibility sorta there, the timing is not. So I feel stuck and as if I’m waiting and wishing for this next phase, that may or may not even occur.

How odd uh? I mean, we don’t truly know what the future holds. All we can do is continue moving forward and seeing what unfolds. The problem with that is patience, which I seriously lack, and what’s the word…

LONGING.

Have you ever felt a deep longing for something? I think that’s what I’m feeling. I’m stuck in a time of longing and unsure how to remove that or at least set it aside for a time, leave it at the Lord’s feet and let him lead the way. My way, my humanly desires, this feeling…it could be wrong. The heart is rather deceiving, you know?

Yesterday, I attended Church with my Momma as I have been doing the entire time I’ve been here with her. I enjoy Church and have for many years. I do not have a Church family in Virginia. We did a really small Church search in Oklahoma but never settled on one. We haven’t even attempted it in Virginia. I see pretty Churches and I think about trying them out, but I don’t follow through with the thought.

Why? Laziness. Sick of trying. Knowing that I’m probably going alone and not wanting to do that.

Momma says I need to. Momma says a lot of things. She’s probably right, she usually is, but yesterday I as I sat listening to Pastor Gordon mention announcements, that longing in my chest rose up again. The service was wonderful. Halen was baptized and I feel blessed that I got to be here for that as well as her Christmas play. The message Pastor Gordon gave left me feeling as if it were meant not only for all to hear, but for the men in our lives to really pay attention to and step up. They are the leaders of our home.

I mean, according to scripture, the Spiritual Head of a household is the husband. Ephesians 5: 22-23. I suppose that’s why the Lord has placed a longing within wives for their husbands to be the leader God created them to be. I know, personally, there have been things that I’m not okay with. Things I feel my husband should have put his foot down on or said no. Things I wish he’d do, ways I wish he’d lead without me requesting it or nagging. I do not believe wives were created as prompts. Encouragers, sure, but even that is a carefully walked balance beam, is it not?

It says in Ecclesiates 3: 7 – “A time to be silent and a time to speak.”

Would you believe the longing rose up in my chest on Sunday because of football? I don’t care for football. I don’t get it. I don’t have the desire either. I know we want the Chiefs to win, ALWAYS and that my husband has some serious happy dance skills. One of the announcements Sunday was about a get together in February to watch football and I immediately thought, “Oh, David would love that! We could get involved here.”

Later, in my thoughts, I found myself wondering, would we though? So again, I lay it at the Lord’s feet and wait.

You might be feeling stuck in some aspect of your life today and I want to tell you that being stuck doesn’t equal being depressed. If you google, stuck in time, you’ll find some pretty negative, depressing things to read. Sometimes, being stuck is simply STUCK. And ya know what? That’s okay. Don’t let it lead you down a dark path. I’m sure it can, but it doesn’t have to.

I mean, yes, I feel stuck. I feel this longing that I haven’t really felt before, but I have an amazing husband, two awesome but basically adult children whom I’m joyfully watching learn to spread their wings and I’ve a beautiful quiet home in Virginia, a gorgeous state! My life is good. I’m not complaining, I’m simply waiting to see what unfolds and where God leads us next. For all I know, I could very well spend the rest of my days in Virginia, like my Grandma did in Missouri. She was born in Louisiana.

For those of you that read historical fiction, think about those women that left their families and traveled to the untamed West. They knew the meaning of leave and cleave, didn’t they?

So no matter where you’re at, remember: Life, it goes on. You can’t stop it, but you can roll with it.

Love,

~Tonya

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Decide, Define, Devote

Every New Year, you hear resolution after resolution and by January 3rd people are already hollering, “Do Over!” or saying things like, “January was my trial month.” Every year, I think, “I’m going to be better at x, y, z” or “I’m actually going to do a, b, c this year“. Sometimes, it’s not even a “New Year” thing, but at “NEW Month” thing.

For example, I enjoy doing the photo challenge @fatmumslim. Each month is a list of new prompts that challenge you to take a daily creative photo. Every year, month and week I tell myself, “I’m going to do this” and then before I know it we are four days into a new year, new month and even a new week and I haven’t taken a single photo. Why not? I saved the graphic, so that I would know what photos to take each day.

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Simple: I forgot. I didn’t make a it a priority. I devoted my time, thoughts and energy towards other things. You can have all the, I want to’s and all the I’m going to’s and even the I wish… thoughts but until you act on them they will never be more than just that; a fleeting thought. You might even find yourself imagining your palm to your forehead in a moment of, “Ah crap!” You know what I mean, I know that you do.

I’ve had a lot of stuff on my mind. A lot of things I need to just sit in and take a minute before writing about or doing and with all the other life stuff that goes on, I am easily distracted away from my desires.

When you look at the things you HAVE to do, the things you NEED to do and the things you DESIRE to do, it can all become rather overwhelming. Because of that and because of a challenge I created myself called #BUTDIDYOUREADIT2020 I came up with today’s blog title.

DECIDE.

DEFINE.

DEVOTE.

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You have to decide what things you HAVE to do everyday. How about some examples?

Brush your teeth
Change your underwear
Put on deodorant
Eat/Cook
Get your kids up and ready for the day
Go to Work
Pray

Now, these things that you HAVE to do, DEFINE you. How about some more examples?

Clean teeth = nice smile, healthy gums, minty fresh breath and perhaps confidence.
Clean underwear = You obviously listen to your Momma! You know the saying…
Wearing Deodorant = you smell nice, adds to your confidence, prevents you from sniffing yourself.
Eat/Cook = you take care of yourself and your family.
Kids = equal you are a parent or guardian.
Working = you are the bread winner or enjoy having a career, you’re responsible.
Pray = you know all things are possible with God. Christian.

Which brings us to DEVOTE. Ready?

It’s simple. If you do not devote your time and so forth to these things, well then…

Your teeth are probably rotting, your underwear would make your Momma cringe, you stink, your starving, your kids are running wild, you struggle and you seriously need to consider that prayer thing.

AMEN?

So, see what I mean? What we DECIDE we must do or have to do DEFINES us and those are the very things we DEVOTE our time, thoughts and energy to.

This year instead of resolutions or goals and saying things like “I going to, I want to or I wish” how about using January as that trial month. A trial month in the form of examination to see where you are spending your time and so forth. Instead of spending January already feeling behind, why not spending it investing in yourself. Pay attention to where you are spending your time and what or who is taking your time.

When February arrives perhaps we spend it REFLECTING on what we learned in January and then with the arrival of Spring and the birth of new growth – we emerge. We’ve made our decisions and we’ve eliminated what we don’t need or want to define us. We know where our devotion is and can move forward vs falling behind and feeling like a failure.

I think every year, month and week we set ourselves up for failure because we tell ourselves, it’s a “new year, month or week and I will do better, I’m going to do better…” And then the next year, month or week, we find ourselves repeating the same thing over and over again. I believe it’s time we break that vicious cycle, don’t you?

So, what, who, when, and where are you devoting your time?

Don’t let the beginning drag you under before you’ve even begun. You were created for far more than the feeling of DEFEAT.

…that’s my two-cents for the day. I hope it reaches whomever needs to hear it.

Love you all and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

~Tonya

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Stealing Our Joy

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. ~John 10:10

Today we met with the surgeon, Dr. Edwards. We were excited about this appointment. It meant we would finally have a surgical date and that we could move forward. Forward toward the fix, the recovery and the feeling better. Forward toward no longer hurting and feeling miserable. Forward toward having her stomach put back where it belongs and out of her chest and lungs.

We discussed the surgery with Dr. Edwards, personally, that was a waste of time. We already knew she needed this surgery and we should have just scheduled it back in October. He sent us on down to his scheduler, Amanda, to schedule the surgery. The first available date…

JANUARY 31st 2020!!!

Can we say DISAPPOINTED. I mean like seriously disappointed. I expected this surgery to occur within the next two weeks, not two months! I’m sorry but that is absolutely ridiculous! I even told Amanda, “Y’all obviously need more doctors.” She informed me, “We have nine and he’s the best.” Still… A two month wait!

It was so unexpected and Momma thought she misheard Amanda. When she realized she didn’t, man guys, that was just crushing! She’s so miserable. She hurts all the time and she’s tired all the time. She just wanted to get this fixed and to start feeling better. To be sitting on the edge of relief and have it yanked away for a few months, it was devastating.

Watching that news hit my Momma like a ton of bricks just really, well I had to ask the Lord to put his hand over my mouth because I was about to get kinda ugly. I think most of you know how I feel about my Momma, so to see her just knocked down like that sucked. She even told me, “I don’t know how I do the things I do. I’m so tired. I don’t even know how I make it through each work day. It has got to be the Lord’s strength because I don’t have it.” She’s being honest. I watch her come dragging in of an afternoon and most days I find myself wondering if she’s going to make it through her own shower!

That’s why when she gets home I don’t want there to be anything for her to HAVE to do. I want her to be able to just go rest. That might be a nap or maybe just sitting on the couch reading a book, whatever, as long as it’s rest.

As we were leaving, I kept thinking, “Man that’s a long time for me to be away from home. I might have to go home and return before the surgery.” I felt extremely torn. I still do. I feel very needed and useful here. At home, I just hang out. I was feeling a lot like, I’m just there. Here I have a purpose. I miss my family but they don’t need me the way she does right now. My kids are basically grown. I mean Ash is 20 and Bri is 17 and they are very self sufficient. They come and go and I see glimpses of them and David and I are wandering around like, what the heck are we supposed to do. Me, more so.

The oddest, not necessarily hardest part is that it’s me away from home vs David. We’re pretty used to being separated for different amounts of time here and there. I guess we can thank the military for that, but I’ve never been away for a lengthy amount of time on my own. It’s very weird.

Anyway, I talked with my husband after Momma left for work. After she said the saddest thing to me, “That just ruined my whole day and I was feeling pretty good.” Which got me to thinking, which led me to scripture and I got a couple words to say…

Satan, back up off my Momma! She ain’t your’s. She belongs to the Lord and you cannot have her joy!

Lord, fill her heart so full of joy that Satan’s attempts to steal it bounce off her like pinballs.

Now, back to what I was telling you about my husband, David. I sure got myself a good man. He knows me, sometimes too well. I tell him I guess I’ll come home for a bit and he says to me, “Are you coming home for yourself or for us?“ BUSTED. He continues, “I’m not trying to discourage you from coming home but if you’re coming just for us, we’re okay.” And once again he tells me, “We’re big boys.” I know they are and I know they just do their own thing and I see glimpses of them here and there.

Then he goes on, “What’s your Mom gonna do if you come home? And how much is that going to bother you? You’ll worry yourself until you’re back on the road headed right back to Missouri and you know it.” Dang it! BUSTED AGAIN.

I tell him, that’s an awful long time for me to be gone. I’ve never been gone that long before. He has, but I haven’t. I guess I’m having my first real deployment, thankfully it’s just to Momma’s vs one of those places David used to visit. I continue, she’s going to have a 4-6 week recovery, so that would put me here until the first of March! He says, “And March is when I will NEED you.” Dang it! That man sure knows me, doesn’t he? I told him, you’re probably gonna have to call and tell Momma all this.

She’s super worried about me being needed at home. She keeps telling me, “they need you” and “you’re gonna have to go home, I love having you here and it’s very helpful but this is a long time…” You see she’s torn too. She knows she needs help but she feels guilty about my being here away from my family. Maybe she’s forgotten that she’s my family too.

In my world, family takes care of family. Besides that, this my Momma. Pulling me away from her in her hour of need is no better than trying to pull me away from my husband or one of my kids during their’s. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband and understanding adultish children and apparently they know how I work. I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Anyway, today’s news sucked but I guess I’m here until the end of February. Momma will just have to get used to it, because unless a bigger need arises, then I’m where I’m needed most right now. And as David also pointed out, it saves money if I stay put. He and Brier will come see me around Christmas. I’m sad that Ash won’t be able to come but I understand her winter session class is super important. I’m just gonna miss her and I don’t want her to get lonely. David says I don’t have to worry about that. I reminded him that I’m a Momma and Momma’s worry. We just can’t help it, can we? [image error]

In other news, Cindy Lou Who, Halen’s elf has returned and I’m so glad to experience it! I’ve wanted to play with one of these things forever, but my kids were too big when they came out. Hope you are following us on Facebook to see what that little elf gets up to.

Oh, and I’ve a praise report! Momma received a $100 in the mail and what a blessing it was. You see, Momma had to take a few days off work for tests and well her check didn’t quite cover all the bills. She needed exactly $100 by next week, only she doesn’t get paid next week. The Lord works in wonderful mysterious ways, does he not?

Anyway, I’ll write up a post about medical expenses and such later because I want everyone to know they are chipping in for a legit reason and I feel that by sharing the information it allows you to see the need. For now however, I’ve some cleaning to do and some chili to make.

Please keep those prayers coming and thank you for chipping in and helping us as we walk through this troubled valley. We truly do appreciate it.

Love,

~Tonya

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Girls, Girls, Girls

First: A praise report. We received another $50 donation towards Momma’s medical bills.

Second: We’ve received a total of $300 towards Momma’s medical bills. It may not seem like much stacked against the never ending bills, but it has truly been a blessing and every little bit does help and we do appreciate it. If you’d like to CHIP IN you may do so HERE.

Hannah Branum – my sweet ten-year-old niece has the biggest heart ever! Yesterday, she gave Nana a precious little note and with it included some of her birthday money. Of course, Nana couldn’t take her money, but the act of love and the thought were so touching that I must say, thank you Hannah. You are such a sweet little blessing.

Third: If you do not want me to mention your name in praise reports, please let me know, otherwise I’m going to start making some public thank you’s!

Yesterday morning I was awakened in a most unusual way, one I’ve never experienced. For a moment I thought it might be Christmas instead of Thanksgiving. Halen was in bed with me and when I rolled over and opened my eyes, she was looking at me! We snuggled a moment and I thought well, I should get up I better tickle this little thing. She starts giggling and before I know it there is another little girl, Tabby, on my other side! She just climbed on up in the bed and snuggled up too. Then I look up and another one, Bethany, standing in the doorway! They were all wide awake and talking and holy moly what a wake up! I hadn’t even had any coffee or the chance to prepare for the invasion!!

By the time I pulled myself from the bed and the pile of girls I needed coffee STAT!!! I think I had like 5 cups and I still wasn’t caffeinated enough for a day of girls, girls, and more girls! Plus, I had cooking to do!! I tried to include them…that required more caffeine! I’m not sure I ever managed to reach the appropriate caffeine level for yesterday but some how I survived and I made some pretty good homemade rolls too!

We had lots and lots of food and all my siblings were here, so Momma was happy. Thanksgiving is her favorite holiday – I don’t remember why so I can’t tell you. However, the night before we had a late night. She picked up Bethany and Tabby. Halen and I went to the store. Then we were making desserts. I made the pie crust and Momma made a pumpkin pie (YUCK! I don’t like that stuff). Next was something called Chocolate Lasagna. Both of them must have been a hit because they’re half gone!

Needless to say we went to bed late and I was fully awaked by a pile of girls before 7:30!!! Dear Heavens! The day was filled with cooking, dodging dogs (I nearly face planted tripping over Bo’s tail…that earned him a trip outside), doing dishes, fussing at kids to get along, telling stories, laughing so hard we cried, and eating far too much food. Thankfully Momma was able to enjoy a bit of the food, however, I did notice later that she was struggling with heartburn and chest pain again. I cannot wait until we get her fixed up.

Speaking of fixed up, yesterday evening while sitting on the couch she got a notification from the Doctor and her appointment with the surgeon has been moved up to December 3rd! Tuesday!!! We are so excited and praying that we can quickly get this show on the road now! The sooner the better!

Please, please pray he does not want her to do that first test over. The EDG or whatever it was called that they sedated her for and required her to wear a monitor for 48 hours. That was $2,000 out of pocket and it’s not our fault that capsule they inserted was faulty and did not connect with the monitor. I feel the last test, the manometry test got all the data that is needed, so I’m just praying she doesn’t have to go through that first test again. One because it was a miserable and horrible experience for her and two because that’s another $2,000! The medical bills are over $20,000 now and we haven’t even made it into surgery! So please pray over that and this financial burden.

I’m hoping they can do the surgery quickly and she can be home resting and recovering as we head into Christmas. It will be nice with everyone here to help her and make sure she doesn’t over do it. So while it might seem crazy or sad to be going through a surgery during the holiday season, I think it’s gonna be okay. We’re all here and we will make sure things are taken care of and that will give Momma one of her favorite gifts: simply sitting there and enjoying the presence of her family.

I do miss my little family, but I know they are doing okay and they understand why I’m here. When the appointment with the surgeon was on the 17th I was debating whether or not to stay or go. I mean I feel helpful and useful here and I don’t want Momma over doing it. Since I can’t force her to stop working and she does need that pay check for bills and these medical bills, the least I can do is take care of the house and things. That way when she comes home, she can rest.

When I discussed it with my husband he said, “You went home for a reason. Has that reason changed?” Well, no, it hasn’t. So he says to me, “Then stay there, because if you come back home you’ll worry yourself into a fit and then you’ll be driving right back to her. We’re okay. We’re big boys. We have bacon and know how to cook it. We’ll see you at Christmas.” Of course he told me he’d see me at Christmas before all that as well, but I wasn’t sure how the “seeing me” would occur. I guess I now know. I sure do love that man and I’m extremely thankful he understands me.

My daughter, Ashlynn, sure cooked a nice Thanksgiving meal for David, Brier, her boyfriend Tony and our nephew Kristjan. It looked very yummy and I know she was in her element. She loves to cook. David sent me a photo of the table and I saw that she even made homemade mac and cheese too! She makes me so proud. I got to enjoy chatting with her a bit last night before she told me she had to go to bed. She’s going to the Virginia Tech football game today. I sure hope she stays warm!

My son, Brier, also sent me a nice little message yesterday too. He might miss me a little bit. I know we’re gonna have to have some serious movie dates when this is all over with. He’s not as chatty as Ash or David but once in a while I get a little message. It makes my heart happy. I know he’s busy with school and interning and working out. Plus, I know my son, he’s not a phone person. Now video games…that’s another story.

Thanksgiving flew in with a bang and drifted out gently. It was a wonderful day and I pray each of you experienced an enjoyable day too.

Love,

Tonya

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Today was Difficult

As I sat down to write and update all of you on Momma, I thought, tonight I need some music, something to bring down the stress of today. I’m rather fond of the group Plumb. I opened my Spotify and went directly to the playlist, This is: Plumb and clicked shuffle. The first song to come on was, “I can’t do this”. It’s kinda eery how well that song went along with my thoughts.

The lyrics begin with, “I woke up late.” That was Cayenne today and then she was rushed getting here because Brian lost his wallet. Then it goes on to say, “Guess I’m never really early.” That’s me. It’s a rarity that freaks people out when I accomplish it. The next few lines talk about hesitating, being tired, and procrastination. Something several of us are guilty of. We hesitate, we think, “Oh, it will pass” or “It’s not a big deal…yet.” We put things off until the last minute, sometimes simply because we dread it and others because well that’s just how we are.

The song then says, “I can’t do this by myself. Oh God, I need your help.” That applied to Momma today. I think it applies to each of us every day. However, on extra difficult days some of us need to press into God a little more. You know how when something in your life is going wrong. It got turned upside down, you were thrown a curveball and all you want is your Momma? The perfect example I have for that right now is Cayenne. She’s in a pretty dark place. The diagnosis that she cannot have children turned her life into a tailspin and you know what she wants? Her Momma.

Do we ever outgrow that need, that desire to run to Momma or for some of us, our Daddy? When you’re hurt, broken, bruised, scared or feeling completely lost who do you run to? Who do you lean on? Who do you press into in hopes of drawing strength from them? The lyrics in the song say, “Press into me. Breathe the air. Bask in Me. You’ll be free. To do anything.”

Today was difficult. It was a day I think all three of us could have done without. Mom felt embarrassed. We felt bad because we knew she had to do this. All we could do was hold her hand, rub her back and pray. It took everything we both had in us not to break down and cry or tell the sweet nurse to stop doing that to our Momma! Her name is Malissa and she did an amazing job. She was kind and gentle, but man she’s got a horrible job! I can’t imagine doing that for a living. I know it paves the way for treatments or surgeries but my goodness, that’s awful.

First, she numbed one side of Momma’s nose and that was bad enough. The look on Momma’s face when she tasted it was all I needed to know that was some BAD BAD stuff! Malissa couldn’t get it in that side and so she had to try the other, which meant putting that stuff up the other side! Then it started going in and Momma was trying to not to gag. Cayenne was trying not to gag right along with her. I really thought they were going to be sharing a puke bucket. Cayenne hid it well, but yeah, I caught it.

Then it got to the point that Momma didn’t think she could handle it or do this and she cried out to God and well, it was real hard not to lose it then. Malissa ever so sweetly said, “That’s right. He’ll help you through this.” I mean we couldn’t have asked for a better nurse.

Once the tube (Malissa called it a catheter and it was certainly larger than a feeding tube!) was in place, we had to get Momma positioned on her back and then rolled to her left side. Once laying down things seemed a tad better, that’s also when I realized the music playing was Christian music. I was trying to catch the song and then it changed to the next song; I can only imagine. It was then that I witnessed the most precious moment of whole horrible ordeal. My sister at my Momma’s head, holding her hand, stroking her hair and softly singing along with the song. It was exactly what Momma needed in that moment.

http://tonyavanwinkle.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/8BEBE889-FEBA-415F-913B-0BDAFD2A5227.mp4

Thankfully, I was quick enough that I also got it on camera. It is my hope that it will help Momma through difficult days ahead. She can watch it over and over and feel that calmness wash over her that helped her through today. Perhaps it will give her strength in the knowledge that she CAN do this. It may feel like everything is a chaotic mess and stacked against her, but I know who is fighting for her and loves her more than she could ever imagine! More than I could even imagine.

Maybe it will even help Cayenne. She has a huge heart and so much love to give. I hate that she’s hurting right now, but I know that God loves her too. It’s really hard to press into him when we’re feeling devastated vs loved. Sadly, that seems to be when we grow the most. Don’t get comfortable, if you do, I hope you are prepared for one of life’s nasty little curveballs. When we’re uncomfortable, we learn. We grow.

Just like today. It was horrible. It was majorly uncomfortable for Momma but it allowed the doctors to learn so that they can treat her correctly. We can be thankful for that. I’m not sure what else will be learned or how those of us involved in this journey will grow, but I know it will happen. It will have it’s difficult days. It’s hard days. The goofy laughter filled moments. The moments of reflections.

Moments. That’s what life is about, right? Moments.

What did we learn today?

Malissa said from what she could see, she believes Momma will be able to have the full wrap surgery. Dr. Edwards had discussed with us a 260 or 36o, basically how tight they wrap her stomach. Her muscles are working well. We also learned that the first test she had done, the one they sedated her for and that it required her to wear that monitor for 48 hours? Yeah, that one…they didn’t get a reading! The capsule was faulty or something. That test was $2,000 out of pocket! $2,000 she doesn’t have and if Dr. Edwards won’t proceed without it she’ll have to have that done again and you know they won’t do it for free.

So, today was difficult. Today had some news we didn’t care for, but it’s over. We made it through. We cried, we laughed and we found a moment to treasure. What more could we ask for?

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for chipping in and helping us with these medical bills. Thank you for being a part of the moments in our life.

Love,

~Tonya

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I’m Not Perfect

As most of you know I’ve been home with my Momma. She’s not well. She hasn’t been for quite some time and it has finally progressed to the stage in which medical care is required. She’s been having tests done in preparation for a surgery. She is exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. Personally, I think she’s probably starving. She has such a hard time eating. She is ready to just get this over with. She refuses to stop working because she needs the money, which I understand. Bills don’t stop just because you’re sick. If anything, they increase.

I’m doing my best here. My best to care for her home, to organize it and clear the clutter, which is something she’s asked for my help on multiple times. I figure if I’m going to be here and she’s going to work, then I might as well get her home in tip top shape. Maybe then, after she recovers it won’t be as overwhelming to her as it is.

However, I will say that every time Tim walks through that door and lays something on that island I cleaned off yet AGAIN…well, I wanna box his ears. I’m working my butt off here dude! I love the man, but come on, help a sister out. I’m making sure you have dinner, you know that cooking is for you, a gift I’m giving YOU cause Momma struggles to even eat it! So keep the island cleaned off and that includes the tables, Mister.

I know how tired Momma is and when she comes in from work, I don’t want her having to do anything but rest. I know she’s struggling with that. She feels like she needs to be doing something. I struggle with that! Cause if I don’t get something finished or accomplished I don’t want her coming in and trying to do it. I want her to REST.

She has a hard time just letting go and receiving the blessing. There was something I was once told, I can’t remember by who or exactly how it went, but I myself was struggling with receiving blessings and these words really helped me. It went something like this, when you stop a person from giving a blessing you are blocking them from receiving a blessing. For many people, it is a blessing to give, to share. I know it is hard for many of us to receive, but I’ve yet to figure out why.

I love to help. I love to give. It’s why Christmas is my favorite holiday. I don’t really care about the getting, it’s the giving. It’s the smiles, the laughs and the joy…that’s the real gift. If I give something that earns me a smile or brings about some laughter, then I’ve been gifted the gift of joy and I love that. That’s a far bigger blessing to me than some nicknack I’m gonna have to find a place for and be stuck dusting. Kindness is a beautiful gift, a wonderful blessing. We all need to learn to enjoy it and stop feeling guilty for receiving it.

You are gifted to share it, not just to sit on it. You only end up blocking your own blessings when you do. ~Jazz Zo Marcellus

Now, you might be wondering at the title of this post, so let me explain. There are certain things I believe, just as there are certain things you believe. One of those things is, I am not perfect. I never will be and in my belief system neither will anyone else. Perfect, was born to the virgin Mary and died on the cross for you and I. None of us are Jesus and we will never measure up. All we can truly do is strive to have a heart for God, to learn and to grow. Always PROGRESSING, never PERFECTING.

That’s not a negative in my mind, because I will only achieve perfection when I am home with Jesus. Which leads me to my next belief.

Once saved. Always saved. WRONG!

I do not believe that. To me that is a cop out. That’s cheating the system. That’s thinking, “Oh I accepted Jesus but I can go out here and commit adultery or murder. I can lie, cheat and steal and I’ll still go to heaven.” NO SIR! There are commandments for a reason. The Bible is the LIVING word for a reason. Striving to have a HEART for God, means the following:

Read your Bible.
Obey his word.
Seek Forgiveness.
Repent.
Sin less.
Watch your language (I struggle with that when irritated or mad or when I’ve been around someone who uses it and influences me).
Love and Honor and RESPECT your spouse! Take their feelings, their thoughts and their desires into account.
It goes: GOD, SPOUSE, CHILDREN and then everyone else. No one in your life should come before those three.
Be Patient.
Shut up and listen.
Simply aim to do better EVERY SINGLE DAY.

As a Christian, you will fall short of the glory of God. You will sin again. You will need to seek forgiveness. You will at some point need to rededicate your life to God, because you will back slide so far you might not know which way is up. You will fall, it’s inevitable and you will need God to lift you up.

YOU CANNOT WALK WITH GOD AND HOLD HANDS WITH THE DEVIL.

This applies to every single one of us, myself included. I am not perfect. However, it is easier to see the imperfections in someone else, than ones self, is it not? I was born an observer of people, of their actions and their words. I see things others don’t because I’m looking. I believe this helps me as an author. It’s difficult to describe what you haven’t seen, heard or felt, don’t you think?

Since I’ve been here, I’ve seen some things. I’ve seen my Momma hurting, more than physically. I’ve seen her cry. It’s ruffling my feathers to say the least and I need prayer that I will not lose my cool. That I will take my own advice listed above, because honestly I’m ready to knock a couple heads together. I’m not airing any dirty laundry here, I’m simply stating a fact. I get extremely fired up when someone or something is messing with my family, even if it’s family doing it, because families are also not perfect. They may look perfect or sound perfect on Facebook, but trust me, none of them are.

I think, getting our feathers ruffled is something we all experience, but I could be wrong. I feel like I’m here doing what anyone in my shoes, with my availability would do for their Momma. Shoot, I’d have done this for my Mother-in-Law had I been given the chance. I don’t do this to gain something. I don’t do this for recognition. I do this out of LOVE. It does not make me the perfect daughter, that is not a title I ever want to have. I have siblings and we all love Momma, not a single one of us is perfect.

Now, I know I need prayer to behave myself and my Momma needs a whole heap of prayers, but there is someone in my life who needs a truck load of them. Someone who I see trying to walk with God while holding hands with the Devil. I’d really hate for judgement day to come and for God to have to ask that someone why they were holding hands with the enemy. The thought of that truly hurts my heart.

So, I ask you once again, to please keep my family covered in prayer. Momma has had two of her required tests done and the third is on the 26th, after that we will be able to finally move forward. There are a couple thank you’s I need to mention before I go.

First, I do not remember her name, but she works at the Willard facility where my Momma goes to give patients showers. This woman told Momma that from now on she would have someone lifting the patients into the shower/tub for her. I believe she, like my siblings and I, fear Momma’s stomach moving up further and creating a medical emergency. Momma is having a hard time receiving that particular blessing, but we, her children, are most thankful for it. The Willard people are really good to my Momma and she loves it there. I wish she could just work there, but she needs to be here for Halen and well, CNA positions are 7-3 or 3-7 or 11-7, that doesn’t really work for Momma.

Second, this past week Momma received a donation from a friend, whom I don’t know if she would like her named mentioned or not, so I won’t. Anyway, this $200 donation is a huge blessing. It arrived just as Momma’s medical bill came due. Currently that bill is $285 a month and it climbs with each procedure or test. We are so thankful and so blessed by this donation. Momma was a bit speechless to be honest. She told me, I just don’t know what to say. I know for a fact that it shocked her, because when I told her I was asking for help, for her bills, she told me, “No one is gonna help me like that.”

WRONG Momma! Have a little faith. We serve a good, good God and he’s got your back! So once again, chill out, sit down and be a good little receiver. We all love and care about you.

To those of you praying, THANK YOU! 

To those of you donating, THANK YOU! 

I know together we will ease her burdens and shine so brightly with God’s love that she can’t do anything but bask in it. I appreciate you taking the time to read this, to ask about Momma, to comment, to pray, to chip in and for sending your love. Thank you so very much.

Love,

~Tonya (aka “that big ole boss“)

The link to chip in: HERE.

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Short & Sweet

It’s been a bit since I sat down to write. Not that I didn’t want to, time just didn’t allow it and then Momma was without internet for a week. I write best in the quiet, that’s hard to find at Momma’s and each time I think I’ve got a moment, I find I’m wrong. If you’ve been following along on Facebook I’m sure you’ve been entertained. I’m trying to remember to take pictures or videos to post, but sometimes I’m simply caught up in the moment of whatever and the last thing on my mind is a camera. I need to remember that because Momma may be resting but she is armed and dangerous! The pictures she takes of me! OH MY WORD!

Let me give you a quick update in case you missed any of the Facebook posts. First, if you are not also following my Momma on Facebook, you might wanna. Like I said, that woman is armed and dangerous.

First, I’ve deleted the GoFundMe campaign and switched to a Money Pool via PayPal. You do not have to have a PayPal account to chip in/donate. Also, there is no fee. Therefore, she would receive the full amount of your donation. I have also increased the amount to raise. After looking things over and seeing the medical bills, I realized the original goal would not meet the need. Those darn medical bills and then the regular bills… I couldn’t believe the cost of the first test she had done this Monday (Nov. 11.2019). I mean, it cost more than my gallbladder surgery! I find myself thankful time and time again for TriCare. I know a lot of military/retirees complain about it, but my what a blessing it is!

To Donate: Click HERE. Thank you for your prayers and any help. I know if we all chip in a little here and there, we can ease this burden from her beautiful shoulders.

Anyway, on Monday, Momma had a Bravo esophageal pH test or a Gastroscopy with esophageal dilatation. This test is done to determine if you have gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD). The test can also be done to determine the effectiveness of medications or surgical treatment for GERD. The BRAVO part is where they attach a small capsule, about the size of a gel cap, to the wall of the esophagus during the upper endoscopy. The capsule measures the pH levels in the esophagus and transmits readings by radio telecommunications to a receiver. The receiver has several buttons on it that you press to record symptoms; heartburn, chest pain, regurgitation, eating, and sleeping.

She had to wear the receiver for 48 hours and mark symptoms on a little diary sheet as well. She was not happy about any of that. They did sedate her but she says that she was awake for the whole thing, their drugs didn’t work and that they made her cry. When she came out of the procedure she was drifting in and out of sleep and asking for coffee. She was very miserable after the procedure, of course she was also not allowed to take her medication for seven days prior and she still can’t take it, because it will interfere with the test on the 26th.

Test #1 out of pocket price: $2, 131.53 and she already has $15,000 in medical bills. We haven’t even gotten to the surgery yet!!! Personally, I think her insurance is a JOKE! This is seriously stressing momma out. Finances usually do, but when you are unable to work. She had to take 2 days off work due to that procedure because she could not get that receiver wet. The crazy thing is we did not learn anything from the test that we did not already know! We know she has a very large hiatal hernia. So, I hope that surgeon REALLY needs the information he is getting from these tests.

Test #2 out of pocket price: $ 114.27. This test was an Upper GI with a barium swallow. Again the doctor preforming the test tells her, “You have a large hiatal hernia”. Y’all I’m gonna scream DUH!!! Are we wasting time and money or are these test truly needed. I just don’t know. I know it’s stressing momma out and she is so worried about the finances. I also know that she’s just ready to get this done and over with.

Test #3: November 26th, out of pocket cost UNKNOWN. This test is a Manometry test. She is not looking forward to it at all. So please keep her and her whole family covered in prayer that day.

Okay, I’ve so much more to say and photos to share but people are awake up in here and I’m currently on noise overload. Keep those prayers coming, cause y’all Momma just walked in the living room carrying a coffee pot and saucer and asked me, “What am I doing?”

I got nothing. Nope. Not a clue what she was doing.

Love y’all!

~Tonya

 

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November 1st, 2019

To Donate: Click HERE

Here are a few posts/updates from November 1st, from the original Go Fund Me campaign, my blog, and Facebook. GoFundMe has been cancelled and I’ve switched it to a PayPal Money Pool, where family and friends can chip in and help. You do not need a PayPal account and the full amount of your donation would go directly to Momma’s medical bills. Thank you so much for your prayers and your help.

My Facebook.

Momma’s Facebook.

Blog Post: Micki, My Momma

November 1st: Written by Tonya.

Part 1: On October 9th, I flew home to Missouri to spend the week with my Momma. We also had a girls weekend that we’d planned since February and went to Branson for the Women of Joy conference. I knew Momma was sick and that she’d been struggling for some time. I also knew that her doctor gave her some news that scared her, but we weren’t ready to share that information with anyone yet.

While I was home, while I had eyes on my Momma – I kept thinking, “Gosh, she needs help.” She looked completely worn down and in every way. For the first time in ages, she cried when she left me at the airport on the 15th and that tore me up. I was already having a difficult time leaving her. I just felt in my gut that I shouldn’t get on that plane, that she needed me and I could not shake it.

When I got home I shared what I knew with my husband and children. We were waiting on information from an appointment with a surgeon, which was scheduled for Oct. 29th. I had told Momma when I left that I would be back to help and to take care of her. I assumed I’d show up around November first or so.

The thing is, I wanted to be in multiple places at the same time. I wanted to be here for Momma and to go to that appointment with her. I also wanted to be in Virginia and spend time with my daughter for her birthday (I still can’t believe she’s 20!) When I’d talk to Momma, on the phone or by text the feeling of, “I need to go home” grew. I couldn’t shake it.

I spent the days worrying and wondering how quickly I could get back to her. I started cutting material for blankets because it seems that when I have something heavy to pray about, quilting helps. Now, I may not actually get very far, but the process of cutting, ironing and sewing has a calming effect of some sort. I may not even finish the project, but it will be there for life’s next mess.

I finally told my husband, “I need to go home.” I think he knew it was coming and ya know, I have a pretty amazing husband. He has always taken good care of the kids and I. He told me, “Go take care of your Mom so that you can take care of yourself, we’re big boys, we’ll be okay.” I’m not entirely sure about that, after they sent me their grocery list but at least they’re eating something

David knew that I was not going to be okay until I got to my Momma. So, with the help of my sister Cayenne I headed home on Sunday October 27th. I left my house in Virginia around 8 am and made it to Paducah Kentucky by about 8:30 that night. I went straight to bed and was wide awake at 5:12 am!

I AM NEVER AWAKE AT 5:12 AM!!!

I figured I might as well get moving. So I took a shower, grabbed my stuff, found the Starbucks and hit the road. I made it to Momma’s Monday October 28th, just past noon. Cayenne was here cleaning the house and let me in. Momma didn’t know I was coming. I didn’t tell her because I know her and I knew what she’d say.

She would tell me, “I’m fine” or “I’m okay, I’m just tired” or “I don’t know why the doctor gave me that prescription…” Uh huh and to all this I say, YEAH RIGHT! I’m no dummy! I knew in my gut when I left on the 15th that she needed me and the one thing Momma has always taught me is to LISTEN TO MY GUT!

I’ve been having a hard time doing that lately. I haven’t been trusting it very much due to some health issues of my own. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling and when I walked around the corner into Momma’s line of sight – her reaction – it confirmed every thought I had. She started crying and said, “What are you doing here?”

I do have a video of her reaction but it’s very emotional and I’m not sure she’d want me sharing it. I’ve seen my Momma break before but not like this, it was like, I don’t know – a release of something extremely heavy. Almost as if in that moment she realized she doesn’t have to and she won’t be doing or going through this on her own. We are all here to help her. My siblings, Tim, little Halen, our families…and she is learning to receive.

Part 2: So here I am, doing whatever I can to ease the burden and help her rest. For some time she’s asked me to help her organize her home and while her and Tim are at work during the day, that’s what I’m working on. Then I’m making sure that when Momma comes in, she rests. She doesn’t have to clean and she doesn’t have to cook. All she has to do is REST.

I wish she wasn’t working and truthfully she does too, but bills suck and it takes both her and Tim’s paychecks to cover things. And now she has all these medical bills coming in, bills of more tests being ran and the bill of the upcoming surgery. She’s worried about the pressure all of this is putting on Tim. She doesn’t want to be a burden to anyone. She wants to try to keep things as normal as possible.

She’s going to be off work for a time, once she has the surgery. Thankfully, we don’t think it will be as long as we originally thought, either way, she’s (they) are going to need more help than my siblings and I can provide. With that thought in mind, I’ve put a GoFundMe in place in hopes that some of you would be willing to be a blessing in their lives during this storm.

When I told Momma what I did she said, “I don’t know how I feel about asking people for money. I wish they’d just buy some dang makeup.” Well, as hard as she has tried her Younique business is not bringing the income she had hoped for. As a matter of fact, she will no longer be selling it in three months if no orders come through. She will continue to share information, obviously, and it is GREAT makeup but if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. We can’t say she didn’t try.

Anyway, I told her, “You’re not asking. I am.” I don’t know how you feel about GoFundMe campaigns, but here is how I feel. If I know the person, if their campaign is a legit need then I am more likely to donate to that vs some charity. If I donate to a charity I have NO IDEA who is getting that money or if it is actually blessing someones life. When I or my husband give a gift to someone I want to know they received it. I want to see them get the help they need. However, if you are setting up a campaign because you’re lazy and don’t want to work and want someone else to pay your bills, then uh, sorry I’m not gifting you anything.

My Momma is FAR from lazy and Tim is the kinds of man that will bend over backwards for you and give you the shirt right off his back. Momma is out there working with this HOLE in her esophagus that her stomach has been pushed up through and is now sitting in her chest cavity and lower lobes of her lungs!

She struggles to breathe just unloading the washing machine and she’s out there showering elderly men and women who can no longer do it themselves. She’s out there blessing their lives with her time and the only energy she really has. She’s showing them love in the way she cares for them and who knows, it could be your Momma or Daddy or grandparent that my own Momma is out there sacrificing her own health for because she truly cares about them and yes, she needs that paycheck.

When she’s not at work, she misses her patients. I know because she had a few days off when I was home during the week of the conference and she mentioned a few times, I wonder who’s taking care of them. I bet Miss so-and-so doesn’t get her shower because she doesn’t like it on this day because she wants to go to church. You see Momma knows their needs and wants forwards and backwards. If you don’t want your shower on Wednesday because your church service is at 10 a.m. then she’s going to work around that and make sure you get both.

I’ve heard her say things like, “I wonder if they dried her hair” or “I hope they found the lotion I put in the drawer for so-and-so’s feet.” On and on it goes, she loves what she does and it is tearing her up that she is struggling so much that she can barely handle it now.

She walks in of an afternoon and looks like she’s aged since I saw her at 7 a.m. She doesn’t sleep well. This thing wakes her up in the middle of the night with her throat feeling as if someone put a lit match in there. She has to eat early, she has to eat very small bites and cautiously. She’s exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally, yet every day she gets up, drinks her coffee and puts on her scrubs.

She’s not looking for a handout. She’s not even asking. And if you are willing or feel called to donate to the campaign I’ve put in place for her, well then, it would be a huge blessing and she would cry. She’d probably cry over every single penny.

As I was cleaning yesterday I came across one of Halen’s school papers. This paper is about Penny Wars. Each penny equals a point for the grade level it was donated to. Imagine if each penny you freely gave to another was one blessing. Imagine if that single penny somehow enriched their life. Crazy thought uh? I mean it takes many pennies to amount to something worthwhile, right?

Yet, we see them everywhere. Some stores even have a tray of pennies they use to cover the cost of something. Let’s say you have a drink for $2 and $1.99 is all you have on you, but the cashier reaches into the penny tray and says, “don’t worry about it.”

Or how many times do you see a penny on the ground and pick it up, what’s the saying?

“Find a Penny, pick it up and all the day you’ll have good luck!”

Right? That leads me to Proverbs 11:25. “A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.”

My Momma needs some refreshing, in multiple ways, y’all. So, if you’ve got a penny that you are willing to part with or a prayer you are willing to say for her; we will cry over it, we will pray blessings over you and we will thank God for you.

Y’all know how much I love my Momma, right? She got her hair cut yesterday. Isn’t she pretty? That hair cut was good for her, she came in looking just a bit refreshed from that itty bit of pampering.

Blog Post from November 1st: A Whole Heap

Written by Momma (Micki). November 1st. 2019.

I came home to the most pleasant surprises today. I walked into the house and found Cayenne Woods sitting at the island there and my house was clean. I was so overcome with emotion that she would come clean my house for me. Then just as I was about to get my emotions under control there come Tonya Renea VanWinkle walking out of the hallway! What on earth is she doing here??? She just left!!! She says, “I came home to take care of you, momma.” So needless to say those emotions I had just gotten under control were falling out in a blubbering mess.

You see, I haven’t been feeling well for a while and they have finally found the problem. I have a consult with a surgeon tomorrow to find out what will have to be done to fix the issue. But all 4 of my children and my husband have been extremely supportive and ready to help wherever they can. While I may be a bit nervous about my situation, I’m trying to just keep living life as normal as possible, but I seem to struggle with extreme exhaustion a lot and some things have been a bit neglected so coming home to a clean house was such a BIG blessing and then I was told not to worry about supper because they are taking care of that to!

So while I may be in the middle of an unpleasant storm right now and life is full of uncertainties all I have to do is look around and see the many many blessings God has blessed me with and how he’s walking with me and looking out for me. All I need to do is trust him and even though I can’t see the outcome God is faithful and I thank him for the blessings of my family today.

I’m not used to not being the one in charge and taking care of everything myself. So sitting here watching them do things I normally do is difficult, I feel like I should be in there doing something. But I’ve been told to just “Chill!” So not sure who may need the most prayers right now. Me….or my family.

UPDATE:

So more test are needed before we can schedule the surgery. I can’t really eat after about 3 pm or I will hurt so much that I won’t sleep at night. I get short of breath frequently, and have a lot of pain/discomfort in my chest area. But I’m doing good and my family is being such a big help. I’m doing ok to still work just physically exhausted by the end of the day. So Tonya being here to pick up the slack at the house and help with Halen is a big blessing. The other kids live close by and are always ready to jump in where they can to help. Timothy O’Banion is being quite the amazing husband and taking care of things.

I feel very much at peace and I’m not stressed about things really. I think I’m at the point where I’m just ready to get this done so life can get back to normal (whatever that is). I’m not looking forward to the process but I’ve come to terms with what has to be done and am just ready to get it over with. I’m trying to be patient as the medical profession usually don’t get in much of a hurry so the schedulers are supposed to be calling me to set up the appointments for these test the surgeon needs done. Hopefully we will get them scheduled soon.

Just keep the prayers coming. I can feel them. The Lord has replaced the overwhelming feelings and worry with a calmness and peace. I feel overwhelmingly blessed and thankful.

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Micki, My Momma

I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out what to say or how exactly to create this post that I’m procrastinating! Not unusual but this should be a fairly simple thing to write up and I’m over thinking it or perhaps overly tired, who knows. My Momma is sick. If you read my previous blog post, A Whole Heap, or my most recent Facebook post – well then, you are up to date on the information. It most likely will not prevent me from repeating myself in some aspect, but I’ll try not to as I am going to attempt to kill one bird with multiple stones here.

*NO, I’m not actually killing a bird.*

First Stone: My Momma is sick, they’re running a few more tests and then she will have surgery. The tests are basically information for the surgeon, prior to the actual surgery. I am here for the unforeseeable future to help out and do whatever needs doing. I do not need praised for this. I am not seeking attention. I am seeking comfort. Comfort in knowing my Momma is okay, that she is resting and that she has whatever she needs. She is one of the most important people in my world and being here for her is as natural to me as breathing. I am blessed that at this time in my life I am able to do this and that my husband and children rock. I am not the only one stepping up to the plate here. I have three siblings, plus a bonus one and a pretty cool stepdad. We are all working together, doing what needs doing and simply being available to Momma. She’s helped us carry our heavy loads many times over, it’s our turn to pick up the slack. That’s not praiseworthy, that’s family. That’s love.

Second Stone: What is needed? Prayers, mostly for Momma but a few for us, the doctors, surgeon and nursing staff would be appreciated as well. We want this to go as smoothly as possible and be a wonderful success. Momma simply wants to feel better and we want that for her too. Momma is already stressed about one of the tests they’re going to do and is really not looking forward to any of it. Even if she is ready to just get it done. Financial blessings. The medical bills are already rolling in and they’ll keep on coming for a bit yet. Momma will also be off work for a time and there are regular bills that will need to be paid. A GoFundMe campaign has been set up. If you donate through GoFundMe, yes, they take a small percentage. 2.9% plus thirty cents. For example, if you donated $10, Momma would receive $9.41. If you are uncomfortable with GoFundMe, but would like to be a blessing in this way, I do have PayPal. If you use the friends/family option there is no fee and Momma would get the full donation. If you dislike that option, you can send a check – just message me for the address. Speaking of address, if you would like to send a card, let me know. You can leave a comment here or message me via Facebook. Lastly, share our posts. The more that see/read/hear – the more prayers going up. Also, share things that will makes us laugh! Laughter is the best medicine and we need that.

Third Stone: I will be documenting this whole journey as best I can, that’s what a writer does and Momma did ask that of me. Pretty much the only thing she has asked of me. Are you wondering why she asked? I can tell you but I highly doubt it’s what anyone may be thinking. You see, Momma has a pretty strong faith and it’s been growing stronger and stronger over the years. So she knows that God is doing something here and she believes it’s a story worth sharing, even though she doesn’t know the full story or how everything will play out. Basically she’s saying, “Watch God“. Which is very similar to my own thought of, “watch what faith can do“. The documentation is our light. You know the song, right? “I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.” It’s difficult to share HEAVY things, to be vulnerable. It does open the door to both positive and negative reactions. But life is a series of doors and you can not leave them all closed. You have to open them and remember that each door presented is an opportunity for God’s love to walk through. One of those doors just might be you.

Fourth Stone: Where will I be documenting? Right here! This blog, this website: tonyavanwinkle.com I will share the posts from here to Facebook and GoFundMe and probably my  reader group as well. I hate copy/pasting stuff from one platform to the other, or profile to page to group…such a mess and so time consuming. So it will ALL be right here! Now, there may be a few funny things I share directly to Facebook that will appear here later when I sit down to write, but those posts are public. So if you follow my public posts you will see them. HOWEVER, Facebook hides things – so my recommendation if you want to keep up with any of this, is to check my Facebook regularly.

Fifth Stone: Let’s end this post with some humor. Since I arrived Miss Hurricane Halen has been trying to set me straight. The first occurrence of this was one evening after I’d spent the day working on Momma’s kitchen and was starting to settle down for the night. Halen came up to me and said, “Do you want to go into the basement and exercise?” I said, “Uh no. I’m tired.” Ever so sweetly she reached her little hand over, lovingly patted me on the stomach and said, “Well, you need to.” The next occurrence was our first trip to Starbucks. We had gone into town to get a couple things and made a pit stop. Half way back to Momma’s and with half her drink already gone, she says, “Ah man! You’re gonna get me in trouble again!” I was like, how am I going to get you in trouble? “Well…Nana doesn’t let me have sugar before dinner and you got me in trouble last time!” I said, Nana knows where we were going, you’ll be fine. Then this morning while she was eating cereal she looks at the kitchen island, looks up at me and says, “Tonya! You need to clean up this mess because it is in my space!” This afternoon when she got home, after she cleaned her room, we had pizza. She went to get a knife to cut it and when she opened the drawer, she yelled at me again! “Tonya! What did you do to the drawer! It was fine the way it was.” I guess I’m just messing her house up. I kinda thought I was cleaning but H.H. sure is fussing at me about stuff. Oh and lastly, she went to take a shower instead of a bath because it was late, and Nana told her, “Tonya took a bath and I don’t want to clean it out right now.” H.H. looked in there and came running down the hallway, “TONYA! You need to clean that bath tub and get your nasty hair out of there!” She sure is SASSY! I’m not quite sure how I ruffled her feathers but it sure is entertaining hearing her get on to me and it makes Momma laugh, which I love. H.H. is my little bonus sister and boy she thinks she rules the roost! I just remembered one more. Momma did Halen’s make up for Halloween and H.H. came down the hall, hands on her hips, face stuck out and said, “Nana gave me eyebrows like Ashlynn’s boyfriend!” My daughter’s boyfriend is Italian – dark, bushy eyebrows and well, H.H. is not a fan of those. However, her crush, Lincoln apparently has blue hair! Personally, I think I’d take the eyebrows over blue hair any day but what do I know.

I think that’s all for now. It’s way past my bedtime and I gotta finish some things tomorrow or H.H. will be fussing at me all over again! Thank you for reading, praying, commenting, sharing and simply being you.

Love,

Tonya

 

November 1, 2019.

30 Days of Gratitude.

Day 1.

Prompt: A person who inspires you.

My Momma. I mean seriously, how could you not know that. She’s a rockstar. She does the hard things. She shines bright for Jesus. She loves passionately. She is my first and number one best friend. She’s going through a heavy storm and smiling. That’s inspiring!

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