David Hadley's Blog, page 78

No Place Like Home

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What did we know?

That was the first thing, always. Sterla looked around from where she stood above me. I could see she was not impressed.

���Where are we?���

She looked down at me. ���I don���t know.��� She scrambled down the bank and I caught her at the bottom.

Sterla shrugged my hands off her and turned towards the equipment she���d dropped on the ground when we arrived. She picked her navigator from the webbing belt. ���This is useless.��� She snapped it off.

I tried to sound professional. ���Any sign of human activity?���

Still she did not look at me. She was waiting, maybe for an apology, or even an admission. I wasn���t going to apologise, not again.

She rummaged in her backpack, obviously intent on pretending I was not there.

There was, at least, an answer to that.

I strode off through the thigh-high grass, looking for���. Well, looking for the usual things we look for when we arrive. There was no sign of current human habitation. Although some of the stones, the larger ones at least, looked as though they could be artificial, manufactured. Possibly even the remains of some building from long ago.

I flicked on the scanner. There was no sign of TV or radio signals, no Wi-Fi, none of the primitive signs of human habitation. So we were in a place that had humans, either pre- or post the electronic age. We could be in a place without humans and I was reading too much into the landscape.

My boot caught on something. I looked down. It was just a stone in the ground. I knelt, trying to decide if it was artificial. At least if we found something man-made, it would – in probability – mean we were closer to the home dimensions. Before we���d gone adrift, got lost in the storm, we developed a general rule of thumb. We discovered that the further we got from Base World, the home dimension, the less chance we had of meeting people, humans, as we knew them.

���Bern!���

As I heard Sterla���s scream, I was running. I pulled the gun from my shoulder holster as I ran, cocking it.

Sterla screamed again.

I ran back towards her, jumping over the stones that now looked more manufactured than they did before.

I heard a shot, to the left of where she���d been when I���d stormed off. I cursed myself for being such a sulky bastard. One of the first rules we learnt was not to separate until we were sure of our security. Well, as sure as you can be in an unknown dimension.

I saw her, lying there. I stopped, breathing heavily.

There were two arrows: one in her thigh and one in her shoulder. Her eyes were closed, but she was still breathing.

I turned cautiously, checking as far as I could see all around us.

I saw the body.

I hesitated for a second before I left Sterla to check the other body. It was dead, its bow and other arrows spread around it. A single neat bullet hole in its head, But whatever it was, it was not human.

I cursed it and its world and turned back to see if Sterla was alive��� or dead.

 

Soupdragon Tailspin

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Soupdragon Tailspin is probably the UK���s leading exponent of the Solo Long-Distance Sandwich event. Of course, the UK has had a great deal of success at the several different sandwich-based events at the Olympics over recent years. For example, the UK team scored a very impressive gold medal in the Men���s 4×400 metre Cheese Salad baguette at the London Olympics. As well as the spectacular gold medal in the Women���s 100m Prawn mayonnaise in the swimming pool, breaking the Olympic record despite Tailspin suffering a somewhat soggy piece of lettuce during the final length.

It was her success in the pool at the London Olympics, which convinced Tailspin that she was capable of the endurance and the essential solo buttering experience necessary for a solo long distance attempt at a sandwich.

Of course, in the past, several people have attempted a round-the-world sandwich, but so many have failed, especially in the long passages of the Atlantic and Pacific. There, when far from dry land and without any possibility of getting fresh ingredients, they are reduced to using ingredients from bottles or jars. This can be especially fraught during storms at sea, when even opening a jar of mayonnaise in a force 9 gale is not without its dangers. This is especially so, when the boat is tossed around on rough seas, which makes spreading the butter on the bread difficult without a lifebelt or safety harness.

Of course, it was the first around the world attempt by Jack ���Mad Jack��� Cirencester that first proved it was possible for someone to complete a solo around the world sandwich back in the late 1960s. Up until then it was considered far too dangerous for a solo attempt, especially when Mad Jack���s predecessor Pierre d���Onion Ring attempted it and had to be rescued in the middle of the South Atlantic. He was 200 miles off the Falkland Islands when his last jar of marmite washed overboard in a hurricane. Many considered him foolhardy for attempting a toasted sandwich that far from the shore. Others suggested it was the loneliness of the long-distance solo sandwich effort had driven him to the edge of madness.

However, these days, the dangers of cheese toasties and even Marmite on toast are now well understood by those willing to attempt the solo around the world sandwich.

Sandwich-making technology has also moved on apace in the intervening decades. Consequently, with today���s microchip technology there is little danger of Tailspin running out of salad stuffs until she is well past the Azores on the final leg of her homeward journey.

Therefore, despite the possibility of a freak Pacific storm wrecking her ocean-going bread bin, she has every chance of success in her endeavour.

It only remains for us all to wish her the best of luck.

 

As The Story Unfolds

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It began like silence breaking. It started as a story unfolding in front of us. For a while, I thought I was the protagonist, the hero, of the unfolding story. But I am no hero, I never have been and I never will.

It was not until the second day of the story, the second chapter, that I realised Chelle was to be the hero of the story and I was merely a secondary character��� if that.

I worried that I would have only a small walk-on part in Chelle���s story. I wondered if she would move on and I would be something she remembered only in moments of reflection between the key dramatic moments of her story.

Then I fell out of bed that second morning. Chelle leant down over the edge of the bed laughing at me and I knew then I must be the comic relief. At least, I thought as I got to my knees, and rubbed my elbow where it had banged against the bedside table, the comic relief gets to stay beside the main character as the adventure progresses.

I could think of no better place to be than beside Chelle, except when we got even closer and she made me fall out of her bed.

���We���d better get up and get on with it,��� Chelle said, stretching naked in her bed as I sat on the floor beside it. ���Today is going to be the day of the inciting incident, I���m sure of it.���

It usually takes Chelle a long time to get out of bed, to feel motivated for whatever the day���s chapter will bring to her story. Today, though, she was up and in the shower in moments, eager for the story to begin.

I sat; tense, on the varnished floorboards at the side of her bed as she strolled into the bathroom. The shower started running and there was no scream, so I thought we had a while yet before the inciting incident.

I got to my feet and thought about opening the curtains. I paused, wondering what I would see. If the world had gone wrong out there, Chelle needed to see it, not me. She needed to be the one to set the story into motion when she pulled back the curtains and saw��� well, whatever it was.

I just hoped it was not a zombie apocalypse. I���ve been in a few of those stories before and being the comic relief in one of those is no laughing matter.

I began to search for where Chelle had thrown my clothes the night before, and then stopped.

I couldn���t help wondering if this, Chelle���s story, was going to be a murder mystery and I would be the corpse she���d find when she came out of the shower.

I shivered���.

Then the doorbell rang.

 

A New Space Mission Planned

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Following the success of the Rosetta mission to put a lander on comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko, the team behind the mission have announced plans to send another spacecraft out into deep space. This time the mission will study a mysterious object that has only a very tenuous connection to this planet. The body, known as the Miliband Near Earth Object is a mysterious artefact that sometimes orbits close to this world, but has never actually landed on planet Earth. Many scientists, after studying the evidence, argue that if the object did indeed crash into the Earth it could have devastating effects. If the object hit Earth and formed what scientist call a government, then it could be one of the biggest disasters in Earth history. Easy outweighing the damage caused to the American continent by the Bush strike. Some space scientists it could be even worse than when Britain was last hit by an alien object, when the Brown calamity struck these islands around the turn of this century. An impact many argue the country is still yet to recover from.

Although, many have argued that a Miliband collision would not be as destructive as the Brown strike. Especially in the number of small high-speed corollary impacts ��� known as Nokia events ��� there would still be considerable damage caused to the country, perhaps causing damage unseen in this part of the world since the 1970s.

Consequently, the scientists have proposed a mission to study the Miliband object. They want to see if there is some way they can make sure it is not on a collision course with the impending election. In addition, they hope to discover just where in the universe this strange object came from.

Obviously,��� one scientist said, ���it is totally unlike anything we have seen on earth. It would not be beyond the bounds of speculation to consider that it may indeed be some form of alien construction.���

However, other scientists have dismissed the idea that it is of unknown origin. They point out that any civilisation advanced enough to send such a thing into deep space would be far more competent at building the device.

���As we have seen,��� another scientist opined. ���The Miliband is nothing but a natural disaster, buggering up all that comes into contact with it, often by behaving in the strangest and most unpredictable ways. Consequently, there is no telling what damage it could cause if it hit the Earth at election time.���

Already confident of success in their mission to understand the alien Miliband Near Earth Object, scientists are now discussing another mission to another strange out of this world object.

The scientists call this other object the Brand Oddity. It is, apparently, a strange snake-hipped like hairy object that is in a permanent state of what it calls ���Revolution��� where it orbits in ever-diminishing circles around its own supermassive ego. However, this object is completely out of touch with the Earth and how it works. Many scientists say that the Brand Oddity is so far beyond the Earth that it will not even come close to contacting it. The scientists predict the Brand Oddity will merely fly off into the sun, burn up and be forgotten about, even long before the Miliband Near Earth Object is nothing but a vague memory.

 

Here Is The News��� Possibly

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Well, as the mighty hordes rushed down upon���.

Hang on, that���s next week.

This week is going to be much quieter. After all, the people in the media have decided that the TV news is getting far too interesting. They feel it is starting to deflect interest away from the far more lucrative game show formats, reality television and even home-produced drama series. After all, even if these programmes do not perform as well as the producers of the programme initially hoped, there is always the possibility of lucrative foreign sales. After all, if Celebrity Strip Ludo On Ice fails in this country, there is always the possibility that it will do well overseas. Maybe turning into a money-spinner in those warmer countries where celebrity nudity and ice make a welcome break from the heat.

However, TV executives are growing increasingly concerned that the amount of foreign wars, very contagious diseases and international terrorism are making the news more interesting. Occasionally, even more interesting than the programmes from which they make their money.

After all, there are the adverts to worry about to for the commercial channels. Lately, the TV news has been spending several minutes telling us we are all going to die, mainly from either hideous diseases or imminent terrorist atrocities. Consequently, we are not going to be that receptive to the TV adverts promising us long happy lives, increased sexual prowess and flavours of yoghurt of which we have never seen the like of before.

Therefore, TV news executives have decided to take a leaf out of the current fad for websites with lists of clickbait. Web pages that lead, the easily-diverted towards page upon page of advertising, with snippets and nuggets of fact, speculation or trivia sandwiched between those adverts with easy sharing links to their social network sites of choice.

Thus, in future the TV news will consist of short, entertaining lists and snippet of the day���s news, with chances for audience interaction and participation. That ���news��� will, of course, be heavily biased towards celebrity news, trivia, quirky ���facts��� and – of course – cute cat pictures.

Some journalists have complained about this trend. Many of the journalists argue that such an approach trivialises and side-lines the real serious news. They say this reduces their chances of getting awards, or appearing in the Queen���s birthday honours list, after a career of standing in front of a camera. Often in a war zone, spouting the same ill-informed speculation the newsreader in the studio has just uttered. All for little or no obvious purpose, other than copious travel expenses. After all, the journalists often only undertake these assignments in the hope of a photogenic flesh wound on live TV, thereby increasing that journalist���s chances of an award or knighthood.

However, TV audiences have expressed little interest in the changes. Many of them only wishing the news was over much quicker, so they can watch the weather forecast to find out just how much they are going to be rained on the following day.

 

Parliamentary Democracy And The Pineapple

Well, as she said at the time ���you don���t get many of those to the pound���, which was true enough I suppose, considering the circumstances.

However, we can put the case of pineapples to one side for a moment. At least until there is the necessary number of politicians in attendance, ready for the insertion of the pineapples. Then we will leave that other matter for another day.

After all, politics is ��� unfortunately ��� always with us. At least until we can find a cure for it, anyway. So there will always be politicians around whenever we feel the need to establish a more direct connection between the politician, the pineapple and their seat.

Of course, some have, suggested that inserting a pineapple into the orifice politicians normally talk through, then insisting on them firmly taking their parliamentary seat is somewhat cruel. However, others insist would be a more direct form of democracy than mere voting for whichever beast wears the party rosette at election time.

However, the critics of pineapplentary democracy point out that there are probably quite a few people out there who gain sensual satisfaction from inserting a pineapple where the sun doesn���t shine and the parliamentary standards committee doesn���t yet investigate. These critics go on to say that such a system could result in our politicians becoming an even more unrepresentative and out of touch bunch of weirdoes than they are now.

However, some political activists claim that it is about time that those who enjoy erotic pineapple insertion should in this day and age have some parliamentary representation that reflects their particular concerns. Especially in the outrageous pricing of supermarket pineapples, and much-needed regulation on the comfort of seating, especially in doctor���s waiting rooms.

They do, or course, have a point, or if intimately engaged with a pineapple at the time ��� several points. However, the argument should then be extended towards giving other such interests, minority or not, representation at a national parliamentary level. Although, basing political parties around sexual fetishism would ��� probably ��� could make elections somewhat more interesting to the public at large. Nevertheless, it would not ��� many feel ��� be much of an improvement on the current party political system. Especially as it seems most of the politicians would be – more or less – the same ones we have now. Except – perhaps ��� wearing interesting underwear underneath their outer garb, and occasionally carrying a pineapple, watermelon or snorkel and flippers into parliamentary committee meetings.

Many others also claim it would make the perusal of parliamentarian���s expense claims more interesting and thus increase public participation in the political process.

However, many believe that – as mentioned above – the only way out of this current malaise is finding a cure for politics altogether. A solution ��� alas ��� that seems as far away as it ever was.

 

Letting The Numbers Take Care Of Themselves

Think of a number.

No���, not that one.

Think of a different number, not one of those common as muck numbers everybody thinks of, after all there are several numbers that people don���t often use in such examples. For, as we know, there are a lot of numbers about.

However, as the great mathematician, Cosine d���Calculatori, pointed out, the numbers are not untidy and all over the place. Quite unlike some of the particles of physics or the molecules of chemistry. These are often found lurking down the back of the sofa, or in the last place, but one, you looked when searching for your keys.

However, numbers do have a tendency to lurk in some unexpected places. For example, the number 56 was hiding in the letters of that last sentence.

D���Calculatori, therefore, thought it was the job of mathematicians to keep an eye on the numbers, and make sure they knew what the numbers were doing. It should be a bit like shepherds and their sheep, as he put it in his journal, although ��� he hastened to add ��� not in that way. After all, he argued, if we let numbers lose anywhere, soon they will begin breeding and we will end up with thousands of them all over the 193.

Like that.

As d���Calculatori pointed out, the numbers themselves have a natural tendency to add up and multiply with very few natural predators. That is, apart from out where the wild taxes can attack even our most precious financial numbers, of course. Consequently, there is little chance of them subtracting themselves or dividing so we can rule them easier.

Although, some people have managed to tame the numbers and keep them domesticated. At first, the numbers were caged in log tables and slide rules, then in calculators and computers. Although, everyone with a computer knows how the numbers themselves long to break free. In addition, as programmers know, once that stack starts to overflow, it is a bugger trying to round up all the escaped numbers and put them back into the bit bucket. Especially the zeros, which have a tendency to roll about all over the place, and, as many of us have discovered, end up lost under the fridge for years.

However, there are some, especially number environmentalists, who think that numbers should remain free and in their natural state. Although any mathematician with experience of the natural numbers will tell you, they are not as benign as the eco-numberists are wont to believe.

Furthermore, there are many on the left of the political spectrum who believe in the existence of a magic money tree. This is a mainly theoretical construct where the amount of money is infinite. Thus enabling any amount of money to be plucked from the tree forever without it ever running out, no matter how high that number gets.

Although, as d���Calculatori himself said, the numbers will be with us forever. Or at least as far as we can count, so we���d better get used to them and make it part of our life���s work to understand these marvellous creatures and how they 475.

 

Scientists Discover Missing Link

Scientists out in the plains of Africa today claimed they had discovered the missing link between humans and one of the human race���s earlier ape-line ancestors. For a long time, anthropologists, archaeologists and other scientists were puzzled by the complete lack of a genetic link between the vast majority of the human race and politicians.

As we all know, politicians are not quite human. Although, they do bear some superficial traits that can make them appear human, most of us know politicians are an entirely alien species. There are some ��� mostly delude or disturbed ��� scientists who have claimed that it is possible for humans and politicians to interbreed. However, there has been no record of any such perversion of the natural order ever occurring in the historical record, or at least any such attempt from the human side. Although, there are several stories, printed mostly in tabloid newspapers, of politicians claiming to have had sex with humans. Most people, though, disregard these tales as folk tales, hyperbole, or attempts to instil fear and dread in a gullible populace.

However, as the recently discovered fossils remains demonstrate, humans and politicians began to diverge away from each other several millennia ago. Therefore, even if the unthinkable should happen, it is unlikely that any attempt at a human/politician hybrid could ever prove viable.

As first glance, as with modern politicians, there is little outward sign that the remains discovered in the African desert are those of a proto-politician. However, the archaeologists who made the discovery point out that the fossilised remains do possess rudimentary signs of vocal chords in the anal passage. One of the main differences between politicians and humans today is still this ability of politicians to talk through their arses.

The archaeologists also point out that they discovered the remains in a grave that contained several attempts at claiming for the costs of the ritual burial on expenses. This is, the archaeologists claim, another sign that this is indeed the remains of a politician rather than a human. Buried alongside the body were several large plain envelopes containing a simple ancient coinage. The grave also contained an ancient rudimentary complimentary ticket, which language experts have decoded. This artefact turned out to be a ticket for a fact-finding mission in an area of the world that was then mostly free of the then Ice Age.

There are also, in a nearby cave, several crude drawing of the political creature being caught in a compromising situation with a researcher (an early human/politician hybrid, since extinct). The archaeologists posit that these drawings were probably made by a Stone Age investigative reporter who published them on the cave wall.

The archaeologists have yet to find any definite proof of any Stone Age electoral system in the region. However, they are confident that they have found are definitely the remains of the long lost missing link between humanity and the creatures that went on to become politicians.

Thus, the archaeologists now believe they have solved one of the great outstanding enigmas of early human development.

 

The River Of Death, The River Of Life

These were the hills of home. These were the valleys where we began. This is the river of life, now the dead have sailed into the Far World.

We gathered the bodies as the village still smouldered. All of us limp with grief and loss. There was not a family left without a tragedy and many who were no longer families at all.

It has always been a hard life here, despite the sheltered valley and the protecting hills. Now the invaders have come, it is no life at all. It is time to leave, time to flee while there are still enough of us left to make the journey.

The Shaman says there is more of the world out there, but we do not know. All we know is the dead sail down there in their burning boats and never return. Occasionally, a young brave man will sail off too, down the River of Death, to see what lies beyond this valley. They, like the dead, never return.

Now, if only because of the invaders, we know there are lands out there beyond this valley. The invaders, though they act like vengeful gods, devils or demons, are as human as we are. After all, we managed to kill some of them and they die like us. Their wounded ones handed to the grieving mothers scream like us too. They scream as they die slowly in the savage revenge of those still-sobbing mothers who had their children torn from them.

When the mothers tore the life from those wounded invaders, it was justice. It would not bring their children back, of course. Nevertheless, they needed that justice, even though some call it revenge.

So now, we stock the boats we have left after the last bodies set sail on the river of the dead. As each dead soul takes their last flaming journey, the fire burns their souls free of the lifeless bodies, freeing the spirits.

We don���t know if those freed spirits will follow us down the river of the dead, or if we too will join them after we see what lies beyond the river bend, in the mysterious lands beyond.

All we know is that the invaders will return. We know there will be many more of them. All seeking their justice, their revenge, for those they lost.

We know we must not be here when they return.

All we can hope for is that this, our journey down the River of the Dead, will become our journey down the River of Life to some new land where we can start again.

 

Politics And How To Cure It

Suspiciously, none of the politicians was found guilty. This was odd, because if there is one thing we electorates are sure of in the modern world is that all politicians are guilty of something. Even if it is just being an oddball you would normally cross the road to avoid.

However, since it has been confirmed that politics is indeed an illness, many have said that politicians should be treated rather than let free to run wild. Or ��� in the case of this country ��� locked up in the Houses of Parliament as a safety precaution for the general public.

Of course, back in historical times, politics was called possession by the devil. The treatment and cure were rather harshly by modern standards. However, it did mean that politicians were kept under control. Although, they too like the lepers they can often resemble, had to wear distinctive clothing and use bells to warn people off and away from them. This was especially the case during the infectious stage when they were distributing manifestos.

Luckily, though, over the centuries the general population has grown increasingly immune to politics. Since WWII and the last outbreak of ideological fervour, the ordinary people ��� at least in Britain ��� have become less and less susceptible to politics. Cases of political infection, especially by the virulent forms of political extremism, are on the wane throughout the spectrum of possible political infections. Many fewer people now suffer from political infection either from the Left or from the Right.

Although, as many political virologists have pointed out, in reality there is no real difference between these extreme forms of Left and Right. Both infect the victim with a belief that they are correct and the rest of the world is wrong.

Of course, the more extreme forms of politics can lead to delusions and outbreaks of violence, and must, therefore, be contained before they spread. Even if most people are naturally resistant to the virulent strains of extremism there are still those ��� unfortunately ��� who will succumb. In these cases, it is up to the general public to treat all instances of such political extremism with the contempt it deserves before it spreads from these hosts and begins to infect more susceptible victims.

Maybe there is a case ��� as many suggest ��� that society should no longer automatically find politicians guilty. After all, as some say, it does send out the wrong sort of signal to the more respectable criminals that politics is somehow morally comparable to other forms of villainy.

We have all seen what disastrous effects the conflation of ordinary straightforward villainy with politics can lead to. For example, many terrorist organisations finance themselves with drug running, bank robbery, kidnap and other such methods. We would not want the opposite to happen and normal healthy criminals to start going about their normal business for ���political reasons��� no matter how spurious.

So maybe there is a case that no-one infected with politics should be automatically treated as a criminal, but ��� quite obviously ��� as someone needing immediate medical intervention.

You know it makes sense.