David Hadley's Blog, page 143

The British Empire

It is surprising to see that the most obvious reason why Britain built the largest empire the world has ever seen is so often overlooked by historians. But then historians have a nice comfortable job indoors, often inside nice warm universities and colleges.

If historians got out a bit more then they would - probably – come to the same conclusion that others of us have come to whilst outdoors. That is the main reason the British created an empire was mainly to get out of the rain and/or the cold.

You will notice that the British empire – after an early mistake with Canada - took place mostly in warmer climes. For example, Norway was never at outpost of the British Empire (after all, even the Vikings came here to get away from it), nor was Iceland or Russia. We even let the Russians - and then the Americans have that really cold bit that dangles off the end of Canada – Alaska - while we headed for the sun.

It is also why the Roman empire ended in Britain – at Hadrian's Wall – then declined from there and all the other cold and damp bits inhabited by violent tribesmen dressed mostly in fur. When they hung around conquering in the Mediterranean the Romans couldn't be beaten, but once the cold breezes got up their togas and their sandals got damp, even they had to give up.

So, my advice to any evil genius planning on world domination: do yourself a favour, mate, and pick somewhere warm to invade.

You know it makes sense.

Obviously the Giraffe

Obviously the giraffe was a bit of a give-away, especially as it required a somewhat longer lead than is usually the case. However, as the wife pointed out to the assistant, the security guard, the assistant manager and - in the end – the manager herself, the sign on the door said: No Dogs, and as far as science can determine, it has been fairly well-established that a giraffe is not a dog.

Still, they wouldn't let us past the fresh meat counter, despite us pointing out – with reference to the almighty Google itself on the wife's mobile – that the giraffe isn't, by any stretch of the imagination, a carnivore.

However, we - after the altercation was left unresolved - did decide against taking the giraffe down the fresh bread aisle as a crusty loaf is often enough to have him straining at the leash.

I don’t know if you've ever tried taking a giraffe to obedience classes. If you have, you - like me - will have been bewildered by the snobbery of poodle owners and why they build local church halls with such low ceilings. The vet bill for a giraffe neck massage doesn’t come cheap, and they only ever think you are taking the piss when you phone up the pet insurance companies and ask for a quote for a giraffe.

Anyway, next week the wife and I have decided we'll take the Bengali tiger shopping with us. We do anticipate much politer shop staff – if only from a distance.

Thursday Poem: The Promise of All We Desired

[image error]

The Promise of All We Desired

In the darkness, hands reach out
for the safety of another’s warming skin.
The reassuring touch of breathing flesh
pressing back against tentative fingertips

To give comfort against the dark
and the lonely ticking of the clock
no-one can ever turn back
to those earlier days when life seemed

As though it could only grow beyond
into times that would turn and glow
with the promise of all we desired
waiting for us to come and take it all.

Now, though, the night seems long
even as the day is waiting,
ready to fall through the curtains
to reveal in its sharp light

How another day has arrived
ready to hasten us towards that time
when there will be no more lost days
and only a never-ending lonely night.

No Conspiracy

‘…And another thing…’ he slurred into his half empty glass, before putting it down and turning towards me. ‘…if these conspiracies were all true then how come the hundreds… sometimes, the thousands… of people involved in them never says anything?’ His eyes wandered around a bit before settling on me.

‘You have a point,’ I said, nodding.

Just then Sylvie came back into the bar and nodded towards me. I finished my drink and stood up. ‘I’ll see you around.’ I held his shoulder for a moment as I stood, smiling.

He waved in acknowledgement with his free hand as he finished off his beer.

‘Who’s your friend?’ Sylvie said as we headed towards the door.

‘Just someone who doesn’t believe in conspiracy theories,’ I said.

She laughed.’ If only he knew….’

‘He thinks that the lack of anyone spilling the beans, any whistle-blowers, is proof that there aren’t any big conspiracy theories,’ I said as we arrived at our car.

‘Sensible man,’ Sylvie said. She touched her side, just where the concealed holster was strapped under her coat.

In the car she pulled out her tablet from her bag and checked our instructions.

‘Where to?’ I said, starting the car.

‘Just a few streets, down there.’ Sylvie pointed.

‘What is it this time,’ I said as I manoeuvred the car into the traffic.

‘A defence ministry worker,’ she said. ‘She’s told her best friend that she knows the real reasons behind the latest batch of terrorist atrocities and who is really behind them,’ Sylvie said as she took her gun from her concealed holster and checked the magazine was full, before screwing on the silencer. She laughed. ‘Conspiracy theories, huh?’ she said as she turned towards me.

I laughed too.

Keep Away from the Edge

Anyway, there it was and there I was too, which was lucky. If I'd been over there – jut to the left of that sidebar, say, then it is quite possible I could have fallen right off the edge of your screen.

And who would be responsible for that, especially when I made a claim for irreparable damage to my prose and whiplash injuries to my verbs?

We are so lucky to have lawyers who will – it seems – gladly devote their lives to such arcana, just to screw a bit of money out of someone else and to make all our lives a bit more constrained by legality and a little less free and easy.

Who could put a monetary value on that kind of devotion to the public weal?

No wonder lawyers get paid so much.

Anyway, there is a well-known danger attached to falling off the edge of the screen – otherwise why would they have such well-defined edges?

QED - as they say, or used to when there were folks around who knew what it means. I never did Latin at school – they were lucky if some of us managed English, let alone some other language. They just taught us the secret of fire and uses for the wheel and that was about it. Although, according to my children, Latin was still spoken when I was at school, especially when issuing guidelines to prevent us schoolchildren being eaten by the dinosaurs on the way to and from the school cave.

Anyway, the danger of falling off the edge of the screen wasn't too bad in the days of the desktop computer, but these days with laptops, tablets and smartphones, one slip off the edge of the screen and who knows where you may end up?

It is dangerous out there, so mind how you go and keep away from the edges of the screen.

One of those... Things

Still, there you have it. I mean it is not often you see such a splendid example of a... well... one of those.... er.... things. Not this close at hand anyway. Usually you may have to travel as far as the nearest multi-story car park to be within sight of such a splendid example of a.... well, one of those, but today – at great... some... moderate... almost no expense we have brought this one here for you to stare at.

Isn't it ama.... well, slightly interesting?

No?

Oh,. Right, please yourselves then. After all, this is – well, nearly – only a blog. What do you expect?

…..

…. apart from the naked ladies being rather rude with their friends, that is...

…..

or the humorous cute cat pictures.

…..

Right.

I see.

Right then, if that is the case then we'll have to see about some other amus... faintly diverting way of passing a few minutes before you hie yourself away to look at the cute kittens and/or under-dressed young ladies.

…..

Hang on, I'm thinking.

…..

No, sorry that's really about it for today.

Although, if you can come back tomorrow, then there may just be something a bit more interesting.

…..

Or maybe not.

…..

Well, that's it... honestly.

…..

No, I'm not waiting for you to go so I can do something here that I'd rather you not know about.

…..

Really.

….

No, I do not have a picture of either a cute kitten and/or some under-dressed young ladies cavorting together to put up as soon as you navigate away from this page.

The very idea.

As if I’d do something like that to my devoted readership.

…..

…...

…...

…...

Have they gone yet?

Good.

Right, if you young ladies could get undressed.... a bit, I'll go and get the basket of cute kittens.

….

Yes, there will be cake, too.

New Kindle Book Out Now: The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen

The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen

Available here (UK) or here (US).

When we first met she was Emeritus Professor of Post-Colonial Marmalade at the University of Ffestiniog, and she had the sexiest elbows I had ever seen. We met at the Annual Ffestiniog Tapioca-Ignoring Convention, back in the late summer of ’83. At the time neither of us had a Tapioca-Ignoring partner, so naturally – once we found our handicaps were compatible – we teamed up for that autumn’s preliminary Tapioca-Ignoring Cup rounds. Of course, with both of us being amateurs we never expected to get to the finals.

Her name was Plenitude Cleavage and she came from the Welsh valleys, in fact she had quite a Welsh valley herself, never in my experience had I ever seen such a splendid example of nominative determinism in a woman’s body before....

So, begins one of the greatest love stories of our age told here for the first time in ebook form for the Kindle.

This collection also contains several other stories of equal import, such as:

Shropshire Smith and the Temple of Vegetables. A tale of adventure and excitement within a forgotten temple of one of the world's oldest forgotten civilisations.

The Famed Vegetable Killer of Grimsby. Murder most foul.

The Dancing Sex Nuns of the Tenth Quadrant. A story of one of the great mysteries of the far future.

The man with the Golden Cheese Baguette. The tale of Britain's greatest spy and his attempt to thwart an evil genius with plans for world domination.

The Thing Falling Out of the Sky Incident. Some claim there are aliens out there, waiting to invade Earth. Some say this has already happened.

Plus other stories, such as: Feeling Betrayed, The Aftermath, The Perfect Woman and others the like of which you will never have read before.

The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen

Available here (UK) or here (US).

The Missing Link

Still, as these things go, it is not often that one is able to get so close to one without fearing for one's life – or, at least – the integrity of one's knee joints. However, as this is the first one in captivity since beyond even the days of black and white TV, it is regarded as a somewhat significant opportunity for the world's cryptozoologists to get some much-needed media exposure, and – perhaps – even sell a few books.

Of course, there as been much speculation as to the true nature of the so-called missing link, or - indeed - if there is any such creature in nature. Experts in the field, and - quite often in the snowy wastelands far from human habitation – have pointed to such mythical creatures as the yeti, bigfoot, the abominable snowman and honest politicians, as proof that there is - quite possibly - some creature that exists between humanity and the rest of the apes.

Others have speculated that the mere existence of daytime TV schedules does presuppose a creature that must be regarded as not quite human, something of lower intelligence than even a professional footballer and with a natural immunity to debt consolidation adverts not found in humanity as a whole.

However, until this specimen arrived and was captured trying to eat a wheel wrested from a supermarket trolley outside its local low-cost freezer centre, all that had been speculation. Now, however there is a chance to discover more about these creatures, unless of course the captured beast turns out to be merely yet another former TV presenter down on his luck.

But Why a Canoe?

But then, we had the canoe. Of course, everyone thought it was a contingency plan for when the inevitable floods followed the official declaration of a drought, as these things always do, as sure as hosepipe ban follows flood.

Ah, but if you are a man who has seen a woman skilfully propelling her canoe through the rapids, you know just how erotic the canoe can be, and how strong, but still dexterous, her wrists are.

All of which is well worth taking into consideration.

Especially when she had suggested it is time for the annual pilgrimage of a weekend with her mother, and the necessary human sacrifices that will entail, and you know the only possible escape route lies through use of the canal, along with some thin excuse about us both needing the exercise.

Not to mention the well-known fact that mother-in-laws cannot cross water.

So we won't....

Despite the relevance.

Still it was either a frosty morning out on the canal, or another round in the seemingly never-ending battle with the crusts of her mother's home-made mince pies and the interminable dissection of her near-neighbours and their obvious immortality and petty vendettas against the very paragon of virtue that is her mother.

Still, I thought there would be some residue of family loyalty deep within the bosom of my wife, buried deep underneath the not-inconsiderable frontage that she presents to the world, no doubt, but still present.

However, when I suggest packing both the life jackets and a spare set of paddles, despite the smallness of our current vehicle's boot, my darling wife – much to my delight – said: 'yes.'

A Fair Cop

So, not only was she tuning up the banjo – with intent – the police also charged her with being too close to the trampoline whilst not wearing the heath and safety executive's now-mandated full medieval plate armour as a precaution against laddering her tights on the badger's claws as she mounted the trampoline clutching her banjo.

As we now know, recent legislation now allows the police top take action against anything they feel like on any particular day, whether or not it is actually against the law. These changes have been brought about since the recent successful legal action by two serving police officers who were made to attempt to arrest a violent criminal, thus placing them both in a hazardous workplace environment. Having the courts find the police forces are liable for not providing a safe working environment for their employees, the government has had no choice but to make it illegal for the police to confront anyone doing anything illegal, or threatening harm to the arresting officers. Therefore, the government needed to find something else for the police to do, besides just arresting people for being dickheads on social media.

Hence the arrest of the lady threatening to use the banjo without wearing the correct mandated safety gear for using a trampoline in a built-up area.

However, as she said: 'it's a fair cop.'

Mind how you go.