David Hadley's Blog, page 131

Something New

I poured the wine into two glasses, watching her as I poured. She stared at the dark red wine as it flowed as though trying to see something that lay beyond it, decode some meaning in the act, learn some indication of her fate.

There was something gentle, delicate, about her that I had not seen for a long time, certainly not in this city. It made me wonder how she’d survived the journey. She had to be stronger than she looked.

I took one of the glasses of wine and sipped it. She made no move towards the other, even though the tip of her tongue had – briefly – licked along her lower lip. Still, she stood there in front of me, eyes lowered but not still. There was some tension in her body, which was understandable. After all, she was wise to be cautious, prepared for any eventuality, not knowing what to expect.

There would possibly have been some talk; some discussion, before I’d collected her. Perhaps there is gossip there in the back rooms away from the public arena, I don’t know. I’m sure she would have wanted to know more about me, before I collected her. Not, of course, that I knew much about her, but then I didn’t need to know much about her. That is, apart from the judgement I’d made as she first stood there, up on the podium when I decided whether I was going to buy her.

Kitten Theory

Still, it was not that difficult to untangle the items as we'd first thought. After all, the major breakthrough in understanding the nature of string theory and quantum entanglement did come about once the physicists realised that Schrödinger’s cat was not a metaphor and that at a fundamental level the laws of the universe are dependent upon the movements and actions sub-atomic kittens.

This Kitten Theory as it is now known explains why so many of the fundamental particles are bouncing around so much and why the Higgs Boson was eventually discovered underneath the fridge at CERN, and why all the strings from string theory became entangled at the quantum kitten level.

Consequently, CERN scientists are now in the process of building a new Small Kitten Collider on the Swiss German border, where they hope to release several quantum kittens into a torus to see what happens when those kittens start to react (or to use the technical term – play) with those fundamental particles found in the ring.

However, as is well known in physics it is very difficult, if not impossible, especially at the sub-atomic level to herd cats, so the physicists are experimenting with high-power electro cat-nip to encourage the kittens to go the right way around the ring. Although, some theoretical kitten physicists have expressed doubts that a high enough level of cat-nip is theoretically, let alone practically possible without the world suddenly coming to an end under a plague of cats simultaneously arriving from several dimensions at once in search of the cat nip.

Most, respectable cat physicists however, deny such apocalyptic scenarios and say that these experiments are essential not only to understanding the fundamental laws of nature, but – and possibly more importantly – the very nature of cats themselves.

Rock 'n' Roll Rebel

Bicuspid Tremoloarm, at first, took very seriously Bert Weedon's advice to 'Play with yourself Every Day', and soon developed the strength in his wrists to have a go at playing the guitar.

Soon, after a mere twelve years of daily practice, Tremoloarm could – sometimes – manage nearly a whole G major chord. Luckily for him, however, it was the age of punk and so musical ability was even more unnecessary than ever in the popular music scene. Unfortunately, though, Bicuspid was the son of Lord Molar Tremoloarm, owner of most of the south east of the Untied Kingdom, which – almost – put a crimp in Bicuspid's claim to impeccable working class credentials, especially when he – at least, initially - changed his name to Steve Wank.

Luckily, however, the punk scene soon collapsed, becoming little more than a form of street-level fancy dress, thus allowing Bicuspid to reclaim his name and to make yet another attempt to learn at least one more of the three chords necessary to be taken seriously as a rock musician.

His next band: The Immanent Tax Returns, did however have a hit single – the almost memorable I dream of Double-Entry, a song penned by Bicuspid himself when he realised that – after all – music was not his first love and that he yearned for accountancy.

However, his traditional aristocratic family looked down on such upstart careers as accountancy, the Tremoloarm's were descended from a long line of court musicians and it was rumoured that Voleskin Tremoloarm a court madrigal singer was the real father of the child that went on to become one of England's - far too many to remember - king Henrys.

So, faking his own drug-fuelled death, by ingesting seventeen packets of Fisherman's Friends at once, Bicuspid Tremoloarm was able to escape the constraints of the traditional rock 'n' roll career and follow his dream to explore the wild, untamed shores of accountancy.

Taxation and Reality

Still, as she said at the time, you can't make it up, which is a bit of a bugger as I would much rather do that. That is the trouble with reality these days, it seems to have lost a sense of itself, a sense of responsibility. There was a time when we knew where we stood, mostly on top of reality. It was there and we were there too.

However, since the science was brought into disrepute by the government taxing both the air we breathe and the gravity we use each day in order to get out of the mess it had made of public finances, there have been a few changes.

Of course, one of the first things the government did was outlaw anti-gravity devices and made artificial breathing apparatus taxable too. At first, it seemed they'd closed every loophole.

However, as they are wont to do, high-energy tax physicists soon found a number of loopholes. Consequently, a number of once-multinational businesses moved their financial centres to the Moon to take advantage of the lower gravity and the lack of a breathable atmosphere.

Of course, the grandstanding politicians knowing when they have an easy target, wasted no time in pontificating about the 'immoral and irresponsible' companies that were doing their utmost to keep the money out of the hands of the politicians, when – as we all know – when it comes to pissing other people's money away there is nothing on Earth, or the Moon these days, that can match the wastefulness of a politician with their hands on tax payer's money.

Of course, it was all done to divert attention away from the politicians while they used this new tax money they'd gathered to bribe voters - with their own money - into thinking that the politicians were somehow the saviours of humanity.

However, once a few loopholes had been found in the laws of physics, the tax physicists soon found many ways around the new laws and soon the tax take from these new taxes had dwindled to almost nothing and the now-discredited laws of physics were mere shadows of what they once were.

Still, that's – what used to be – reality for you.

Evolution in Action

As the human race evolved, it – of course – developed better and better methods of pissing about. Once the important survival needs: such as food, shelter and sex had been met, then obviously the ancient humans needed something else to do with their time. Of course, napping flint – even though, initially it does have some utility - is only the sort of thing that can excite those who would later evolve into archaeologists and/or geologists. For the rest of the human race once they've found out what each other look like naked, there is very little else of interest - at least until the invention of football – to keep them amused.

Some scientists and anthropologists have cited the human being's large brain as the driver of its evolutionary development and - relatively – high intelligence when compared to other animals, plants and tree-stumps.

However, it is more likely that humanity survived its evolution despite its huge brain, not because of it. This seems even more likely when you consider that it also evolved alongside the development of language, thus leading to the invention of talking bollocks. Talking bollocks has - probably - caused more wars, fights and arguments than anything else in humankind's history – especially when that particularly human form of talking bollocks – religion - is taken into consideration.

In consequence then, humankind's greatest historical development – and the one that ensured the species' survival was probably learning to shut up for once. At least until technology came along and the TV was invented, thus saving the huge majority of humanity from the danger of actually talking to each other. That is until social media came along to prove that the vast majority of us have nothing interesting to say, not that we'd ever let that stop us, though, of course.

Historical Failings

Of course, one of the great problems with Stonehenge, as it was initially envisaged, was that – at that point in history – the out of town shopping centre was somewhat ahead of its time. Although, for miles around, Stonehenge was regarded as the fashionable place to get your flints napped, the lack of a suitable transport system meant that the shopping centre never got the number of customers it needed for it to become sustainable.

The same fate befell the Viking airport at York, where the lack of a runway long enough to launch the Viking long airships, meant that far too many of them crashed into the departure lounges before getting airborne.

However, the Roman football league was a remarkable success, at least initially, but the Roman propensity to keep tinkering with the offside rule meant that soon the matches became tedious low-scoring games, with most ending in no score draws, up to and including the Roman Empire Cup Final where Gaul Rovers held the Londinium Centurions to a nil-nil score line even after extra time. Consequently, it came as no surprise to future generations of Roman sports commentators that soon the half-time shows – especially that perennial favourite the long-running sit-com Christians versus the Lions – proved to be more popular than the football games themselves.

Also in sport it was discovered that Elizabethan bowling greens were of such bad quality that the Elizabethan bowls players would prefer to go into battle against a massively outnumbering foreign Armada than risk another game of bowls and the constant danger of losing another jack over the edge of the cliff.

It was not all doom and gloom though, the Greeks always thought it was a great idea of theirs to lumber other countries with the Olympic games with their ever-spiralling costs, over-complexity and dubious new 'sports' and - eventually – history, once again, proved them right.

Self-Defence in the Street

Even then it was not all that obvious, despite the way she was holding it, with the dangerous end pointing at us. But, as you know, self-defence is a vital part of the modern world and, despite the obvious drawbacks of using a crocodile on a main shopping street during the busy Saturday afternoon, she had established a safety cordon around herself with little or none of the usual amount of injury and bloodshed to others than can often be the case.

However, going shopping with a crocodile, can – of course – be somewhat problematical, especially in a shop with narrow aisles, or large crowds, as other shoppers do rend to dislike having their lower extremities chewed off whilst they are out shopping. An event which makes shopping for new shoes somewhat problematical, especially if the shoe-shop assistant needs to retrieve the recently gnawed-off foot from an over-possessive crocodile.

Still, as the suppliers of the Self-Defence Crocodile have assured us, these are by their very nature only teething troubles (especially with the very young crocodiles, of course) and – they promise – will be fully resolved by the time of the nationwide roll-out of the service sometime in the next few months.

Critics, however, have pointed out that the use of leashed crocodiles by shoppers on the High street could cause even more damage to a struggling retail sector by driving away more customers. However, supporters of the scheme say it will result in shoppers feeling more secure on their shopping trips and – therefore – much more likely to venture out to the shops.

Time, though, will tell.

Accessing the Lug-Nuts

Not that it was that easy, after all, you have to be in a position that allows easy access to the lug-nuts on the underside, and that can be a little awkward if you do not want to interrupt her viewing schedule, or have to face rather intrusive inquiries from her about some of the more recondite plot points from the time she was momentarily distracted by you disappearing into the undercarriage at such a crucial point in the programme.

However, for those of us who enjoy a quiet - and intimate – evening at home with the WWI biplane of our choice, sometimes there is no other option that to take it with us when there is the tantalising prospect of an interesting programme about to air on television. Such is the rarity of that occasion that it does need something special to set it apart from the usual evening of celebrity-fronted drivel about – apparently – what they did on their holidays.

So, to share the room with – say, a Sopwith Camel or even a Fokker triplane - could be – quite easily – be the cultural highlight of the week, surpassing even the traditional weekly game of Guess What The Thing On The Dinner Plate Is Meant To Be round at some relative's house.

Still, things can be a bit fraught, especially when checking the idling sped of the engine, or testing of the wing flaps, results in a slight disturbance to her Downton Abbey experience, while she points out that you never seem to find it necessary to taxi your biplane across the living room whenever there is a chance that one of the leading ladies is about to disrobe.

Still though, those lug-nuts – as you point out with ever-decreasing patience – will not tighten themselves, no matter what shenanigans the Downton household find themselves taking part in this week.

New TV Cookery Series

Still, as was said at the time, you can't make an omelette without having all the necessary omelette making ingredients and equipment.

The badger, however, is optional.

Some say it is the increasing desperation of TV cookery programme-makers that has forced this recent iteration of the erstwhile cooking programme back onto our screens. However, Cooking with Woodland Mammals was, at first regarded with some suspicion by both animal rights organisations and vegetarians, until it was revealed that the animals are merely studio guests, not part of the ingredients list.

Consequently, the introduction of a weasel into the studio to assist with the construction of a paella in the first episode was watched with interest by many such organisations, especially the RSPCA, mainly to make sure that the woodland creature was not unduly upset by being in the near vicinity of some rice, the treacle for the treacle tart dessert and a cleaver-welding celebrity chef.

However, that programme passed off without incident, or harm to the weasel. It also recorded some of the highest viewing figures ever gained by a cookery programme, leading to several inquires at specialist cooking equipment retailers about the possibility of purchasing a kitchen-ready weasel.

Representatives of the various animal welfare charities were also cautiously welcoming of the series, saying that it reveals a previously-unknown facet of Britain’s wildlife and that has long as no woodland creature is harmed or traumatised by the programme, there is no reason for them to oppose it. However, some of them did warn that the forthcoming episode where a pine marten shares a kitchen with Jamie Oliver may not be suitable viewing for those of a nervous disposition, and may raise animal rights concerns on behalf of the pine marten.

The Ultimate Question

Obviously, she had the tennis racquet. It, of course, goes without
saying that those who had called into question her stance on the issue were now
reconsidering their positions, especially as the power and accuracy of her
serve were both more than a little well known in the local area. A few of the
more sceptical of her interlocutors, though, did question the aerodynamic
properties of the hand grenades she was preparing to serve, as opposed to the
more usual tennis balls she was apt to use. But the more observant of us,
watching from the sidelines, noticed that these sceptics tended to be more
towards the rear of the opposition and each made sure of a clear line of exit
before expressing any such doubts.




Those of us, though, who knew her better and therefore had a finer
judgement as to her temper and inclinations, were already making our way out of
range.

A few of those nearer the front of those she had already interrogated
were starting to panic and, some even attempted to flee, but there she was
poised and ready.




The silence grew as those facing her glanced from each to each in
panic and desperation, knowing that there was no escape and that one of them
would have to step forward and answer the ultimate question that has cowed
mankind since the dawn of the species.




They turned to face her, sweat dripping, hands quivering, legs
trembling in fear.




She looked at each one in turn. 'Well,' she said to her cowed
audience. 'Does my bum look big in this?'