Chuck Wendig's Blog, page 265

September 7, 2011

Refining The Interrogation Procedures Here At Terribleminds

You've seen the Thursday interviews, yeah?

Well, we're gonna do more.

I've already got a couple lined up, but — but!

Your help is requested.

Here's how the interview process works. I ask a pre-established set of questions and then, from those answers I ask some follow-ups specific to each author. What I want to know from you is:

What other questions do you want me to ask? Anything in particular?

Second thing I need: who do you want me to interview? Suggest some people. Sweet Jeebus only knows if they'll answer my plea to be strapped into a chair and have electrodes strapped to their temples, teats, and fiddly bits, but you don't get anywhere by not asking for things. Who should I approach for said interviews? Shoot me some names. Not just novelists, but writers and storytellers of all stripes.

Alternately, if you're an accomplished storyteller and you want an interview here, speak up.

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Published on September 07, 2011 21:01

September 6, 2011

25 Things You Should Know About Queries, Synopses, Treatments

1. Everyone Hates It (And Nobody's Great At It)

Writing a summary of any creative endeavor makes every writer feel like he's wearing a tuxedo made of bumblebees. It's a very uncomfortable process and any writer who tells you how much she enjoys writing synopses should be immediately shoved in a bag and burned because she is a robot from the future sent here to destroy all writers. Why would we enjoy the process? We just wrote a whole screenplay or an entire novel. And now we're supposed to compress it down until it fits in the palm of our hands? Fuck. Fuck. It blows. It's difficult. Nobody does it 100%. But you gotta suck it up and do the work.

2. Put This Pig In That Bucket

A pig will not fit in a bucket, and yet, that is your task. You must identify all the parts of the pig that you cannot live without. The rest? Chainsawed into bloody gobbets and left on the abattoir floor. You're not here to explore the whole pig. You're here to give a sampling of the beast — a taste of pigness. The hoof, snout, squeal and tail are for later. For now you need to deliver a packet of prime cuts only.

3. Excuse Me While I Whip This Out

Length matters. A query letter is never more than a page. A synopsis or treatment is maybe two to 10 pages, though some treatments are as long as 60. A beat sheet for a script is maybe 10% of the total document (or six pages/hour). Identify the length and stick to it. Though, like with a certain dangling male organ, it's not just how long it is, but what you do with it. For instance: my penis kills hooded cobras, like a mongoose.

4. The Shallowest Reader In The World

On the next Twitter #fridayreads, tell the world you're reading a fuckload of book jackets and DVD cases. You know how if you're writing epic fantasy it helps sometimes to read epic fantasy? Well, what do you think this is? You're trying to summarize your work, so read summaries of other work. And book jackets and DVD cases are exactly that. True story: the book jacket for my upcoming novel DOUBLE DEAD features text pulled straight from my synopsis. The text on a book jacket or DVD case (or video game case or Amazon description) is meant to entice. Which is also your job when writing a query, synopsis, or treatment.

5. Egg Samples

You need to find examples of good — meaning, successful — treatments, queries, and synopses. Grab them from writer friends. Dig them up online. Discover what about them feels successful. Mine and mimic.

6. Get Goofy On Rainforest Drugs And Explore Core Truths

I often phrase this as, What the hell is it about, maaaan? As in, if you were sitting around a fucking drum circle or some shit and you were stoned out of your gourd on some weird powder made from pulverized elk bezoar and someone grabbed you by the collar of your ratty technicolor robe and they asked you that question, what would you say? Not the basic plot, but dig deep for what it's really about, what it means to you. The essence of that answer must be present in your truncated treatment. Because it matters. It's one of the things that elevates it from an examination of plot to an exploration of story.

7. Bottle All The Lightning

Another fun exercise: go through your novel or script and start identifying all the things that you think are — caps necessary — FUCKING AWESOME. The knees of the bees, the hat of the cat. Action scenes, plot turns, character foibles. Any of that. Call it out. Write it down. It won't all go into your synopsis but it helps to have an arsenal of Awesome Things to call out, don't you think?

8. We Come For The Character…

That sounds dirty, doesn't it? Well, stop juicing your capris and tenting your khakis, we have things to discuss. What's true for your overall story is true for any synopses of that story: character matters most. Good characters serve as our vehicle through the story and so it must in part be our vehicle through any treatment. Distill those characters down and make sure we know who they are and what arcs they travel.

9. …We Stay For The Conflict

Readers are dicks. We want to read about bad shit. We don't want to read about how Sally didn't study and got an A on her test. We want to see sad li'l Sally put through her paces. "She's poor and her textbook was eaten by coyotes and the teacher hates her because he's dating Sally's mother and she still got an A on her test." Conflict is the food that feeds the reader. Any query, treatment or synopsis must showcase conflict.

10. Heh Heh Heh He Said "Tentpole"

Repeat after me: "This story doesn't stand up unless I include [fill in the blank]." No, you're not supposed to say "fill in the blank." Are you brain-diseased? You're supposed to actually fill in the blank. You need to go through your story and find those tentpole items: details that, were they not included, would cause the story to collapse without their presence. When and Where are two you likely cannot do without.

11. Talk That Shit Out

Before you write, vocalize. Sit down with somebody you trust — friend, family member, agent, basement-dwelling cannibalistic hobo — and babble out your synopsis. Have a few drinks. Figure out how you'd sell a buddy (or a man-eating hobo) on your story. Keep pitching it to them. Hone your approach. Write it down. Harness what you learned and incorporate into any synopses you must write.

12. Act Structures And Outlines

Maybe you did an outline before you wrote. Maybe you didn't. Doesn't matter now because you need to grasp the architecture of this thing. Act structures and outlines help you get your hands around a story in terms of summarizing and — behold my brand new made-up word — succinctifying. I always exhort writers to grow cozy with writing outlines because trust me when I tell you: someone's going to ask for one.

13. The Logline Is Your Best Friend

Learning to write a logline is your first best step. Take the logline. Hold it close. Nuzzle it to your neck like a cuddly ferret. Treat it right, it'll coo and burble. Treat it wrong, it'll spray piss in your mouth and bite off your earlobe. Wait, you don't know what a logline is? Take your story. Summarize it in a single-sentence pitch. But it's more than that, too — you're trying to sell the story, trying to give an aura of mystery and possibility. A good logline hits at around 50 words. Go to 100 words and it's likely too long.

14. Sharpen That Hook So That It Can Rupture A Fucking Atom

A bad hook makes for a bad query, treatment, or synopsis. Every molecule in your marrow resists this: your script or novel is not built on so flimsy a foundation as a single line of marketing text, but I am sad to remind you that life is not fair. Puppies are not immortal, rivers don't run with ice cream and you don't get a free blowjob every time you pay your taxes. Life is tough. So learn to whet the hook to an eye-gouging point. The hook must be the promise of the premise. And don't ignore emotional investment. I've seen some loglines for DIE HARD that leave out the wife, and the wife is the core of that film.

15. The "Explode It Out" Method

Summarize your story in one sentence. Then one paragraph. Then one page. Or, do it in reverse: page, paragraph, sentence. Imagine someone's got a gun to your private parts. You gotta do this or they'll blow your nibbly bits into the carpet. You'll soon see what is essential and what is not: pearls versus peanuts, rubies versus shiny pieces of aquarium glass. Learn to pare down until only its heart remains.

16. Embrace The Holy Trinity: Hook, Body, Climax

Open with a hook: a real juicy logline. Then move into the body: your story laid bare. Sum-up the ending in the same way you wrote the hook: a single sentence that delivers the final kidney-rupturing punch. I've seen some advice that says some agents or producers don't want to hear the ending: unless you know this for sure, I'd say make sure you give it to them. It's a significant piece of the story puzzle.

17. The Saggy Fatty Middle

The danger of a novel or a script is the same danger you run into with a synopsis: the saggy, soggy middle. Tighten that shit up. Find the boring parts and cut them out or rewrite so they're a dose of meth instead of a mist of sinister sleep gas. Be advised: writing a synopsis can suddenly highlight secret problems in your story. Don't let that freak you out. Embrace the opportunity to go back and do some repair work.

18. Stick That Landing

The ending should be as lean and mean as the hook. Maybe 50 words. Maybe 100. If the hook is the promise of the premise, then the ending is the fulfillment of that promise pistoned through the reader's brainpan.

19. Still True: "Show, Don't Tell"

You're not standing in front of your intended audience (editor, agent, producer, executive) and reading a menu of options. You're grabbing their hand, kicking down the door to your storyworld, and showing them what you've built. Always write your synopses from a place of wonder and potential, not from a podium where you deliver a sullen reiteration of your work.

20. Your Voice Matters

What's going to elevate your synopsis from being dull as regurgitated cardboard? Your voice. Specifically, the same voice used to write the novel in the first place. Your synopsis is not the place for a dry recitation of plot points (and then, and then, and then, and then), but rather, a place for your words to bring the story to life in a different context. Put yourself into the synopsis same as you put your heart into the story.

21. Beware Strip Mining

You've taken your pig, blown him apart with a hand grenade and fit what you could in the bucket. Suddenly you realize: the value of this pig isn't the loin chops but rather in the squeal. Writing a synopsis sometimes reveals that you've gone the wrong direction. You've taken the best parts out. You've chosen to embody the wrong emotions. You've strip mined the soul out of the thing and now it's just a hollow exercise.

22. Go Back Over It With A Magnifying Glass And A Scalpel

Always re-read your queries, treatments and synopses again and again. It is your war-horse leading the charge and if it's an out-of-shape nag with a herniated disc and a bad case of bell's palsy then it's not going to survive the coming battle. Read and edit and read and edit. Then give it to someone else and let them read and edit, read and edit. Compress that lump of coal until it is a throat-cutting diamond.

23. You Are Not A Pretty Pony

Different recipients want different things. If an agent specifies that she doesn't want an author bio, then do not include an author bio. If guidelines say, "A 10-page synopsis," then it's your job to give 10 pages of straight-up synopsizing. You're not the only pretty peacock in the room. Don't stand out by giving your middle finger to the rules. Stand out by writing a kick-ass query for an even kick-assier story.

24. Vaporlock Is Your Enemy

Paralysis of the analysis: writing synopses will freeze a writer's brain like a moist dick pressed against an ice-frosted flagpole. You can try all manner of thought exercise, but in the end the only way to the other side is the same as it is with any project: write your way through the swamp no matter how stridently the mire sucks at your boots. Stomp forth sloppily: remember that it's okay for your first synopsis to suck. You aren't beholden to just one draft. You get as many at-bats as you need, slugger.

25. In The End, It's About Making People Want More

This is really where writers buck at their chains: a query, synopsis or treatment is a sales tool. You're trying to get people to buy what you're selling. It is enticement. It is tantalization. You're dangling lush grapes, trying to lure someone to take a bite. In the end you think, this is not what I do, this is a distillation of my work and isn't what I signed up for. Only problem? It is what you signed up for. Storytelling is always an act of enticement and, further, is frequently an act of whittling and winnowing until the best of the story remains and the worst is burned to ash. Sometimes it just takes a reconfiguration of thought: look at your query as just a smaller version of what you already do, which is to say, look at it as yet another act of storytelling. Because that's what a synopsis is: it's you telling your story. Except instead of 300 pages you get, say, ten. Or five. Or one. Hey, nobody said it was going to be easy.

* * *

Want another booze-soaked, profanity-laden shotgun blast of dubious writing advice?

Try: CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY

$4.99 at Amazon (US), Amazon (UK), B&N, PDF

Or its sequel: REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY

$2.99 at Amazon (US), Amazon (UK), B&N, PDF

And: 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING

$0.99 at Amazon (US), Amazon (UK), B&N, PDF

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Published on September 06, 2011 21:01

September 5, 2011

Stuff And Things And Things And Stuff

Obligatory THE LIFE OF THE WENDIGO post incoming.

Alert your state government. Hide your sisters.

The Penmonkey's Revenge

You may have noticed that –

Drum roll please.

REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY is now on sale. For $2.99, you get a boatload of writing advice and penmonkey satire. In addition, you get a 10k "memoir" by yours truly about the life of a writer and the lessons learned, and you also get a brand spanking new Writer's Prayer ("Time to load the guns, brew the ink, and go to work. Because I am a writer, and I am done fucking around.") Further, if you procure this week, I'll toss you a free copy of 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING. These e-books are how I finance the existence of terribleminds, so in advance I thank you for procuring a copy and spreading the word. Your procurement options are as follows:

Kindle (US): Buy Here

Kindle (UK): Buy Here

Nook: Buy Here

Or, buy the PDF ($2.99) by clicking the BUY NOW button:

Speaking Of Penmonkeys

Jay-zeus, that was fast.

COAFPM is now up to 307 sales sold since I started the Incitement Program.

That means it's time to give away another t-shirt and postcard.

I will pick both tomorrow morning in the comment section of this post.

Look for it!

Holy Shit, New Double Dead Cover

You click that cover, you'll be taken to the artist's site — the cover is by the inimitable PYE PARR. From there you can make with the clicky-clicky to see a larger version and a version without the text.

In other words: fucking awesome.

That cover makes me want to jump out of my chair and run around town draining ladies left and right with my pointy teeth. All I have to say is, this November, Coburn is coming.

Pre-order, if you're so inclined.

The Little Human Now Laughs

On Sunday night, my three-month-old son laughed for the first time.

I mean, he's laughed before, but it's kind of been this gasping squeak. But last night was a bonafide giggle, all because his mother was bouncing him around on her knee. HOLY SHIT did he love it. I've got video of it I'll have to cut up and post at some point — he was in some state of unbridled baby bliss. And now I know the truth: his laughter is like heroin, and here we are, ever-chasing that high. Probably from today until we perish. We will always be chasing that dragon, and all the laughs hence will not be as delightful as that first, most primal, laugh. The cross that parents must bear is becoming all the clearer.

It was so adorable, though, my teeth rotted out of my head and my body stopped producing insulin.

Foodboy

Been a while since I did a proper food post, yeah? I'll have to get back on that. Anybody got any recipes to share? I could use to play with new recipes, so whatever you've got, toss at me.

I'll tell you one thing that gets me by some lunches:

Flour tortillas.

Take one of those and it's suddenly like you're motherfucking Lunchtime Picasso. You can try anything in those things. I just grab all kinds of crap from my fridge and chuck it in there. Boom. Lunchalicious.

Here's two things I'm fond of:

First, take an avocado. Slice it up. Layer a bit of cottage cheese over a flour tortilla. Lay the avocado on top. Salt the avocado. Spritz it with a quarter-lime. Dash of hot sauce. Grate cheese if you have any, and if you have turkey, you can laythat on there, too. Roll up. Shove into face until you are moaning in delight.

Second, chop up any fresh veggies you got laying around. My most recent concoction was summer squash, green beans, bell pepper, and onion. Saute in olive oil — get the onion and bell pepper soft, first. Then the rest of your veggies go into the ring. Salt, pepper, any herbs you have — I totally recommend fresh basil in there. Though, add the basil late, or it can lose some of its phatty garden-fresh flava. (Phresh? Phlava? I dunno. Shut up.) Then take that and shove it into a flour tortilla, and cram that into your food-hole. Bonus points: add in some Gochujang sauce in there.

Have you had this stuff? I am a Sriracha fan, but I think I like this more. Korean. Fermented soy. Has a stronger flavor beyond just heat — though it has that crucial zing, too. Great on, well, anything. Anything. A hot dog? A hamburger? A taco? A stir-fry? My creamy inner thighs? All of the above.

Anyway. There you go.

Googolplus

G+ continues to be a curious experiment. On the one hand, it's fairly slow — a tepid flow of "social media updates." Sometimes the feeds from my circles feels downright inert. Stagnant water sitting.

But I'm starting to see that as a feature, not a bug. Because when someone does drop something into the ecosystem, it generates a lot of activity and discussion. Like, in a forum, you wouldn't want endless topics being added so fast you can't keep up with them, right? You'd want a measured pace with lots of activity in the forums, not outside.

This is that, I think. And it continues to confirm for me just what Goo-Plus is good at:

Conversation and discussion.

It's not all there, yet. This pie is only half-baked. Even still, you get the sense that the LORDS OF GOOGLE might have more in store. Only time will tell. What's everybody else think?

The Sub-Genre Tango

Flash fiction! With a prize! Of an edit! Of up to 3000 words!

I'm ready to declare a winner: Josh Loomis. If only because of his use of the phrase "taco-hole."

Josh, contact me. Getchoo set up with an edit from yours truly, sir.

Upcoming Projects

I think you know about most of what I got cooking.

Did you hear that I'm writing a novel based on the SPIRIT OF THE CENTURY RPG under the vigilant gaze of Evil Hat's Fred Hicks? It's true! I'm very excited about this. Pulp-tastic heroic awesomeness.

Amy Houser is also working on a cover for my first Atlanta Burns novella, SHOTGUN GRAVY. Soon as she's done with that the e-book will go live. I've got all four novellas outlined.

Got the first draft of my YA-ish corn-punk novel POPCORN back from the agent. Going through it now, picking nits, combing knots, hacking off limbs left and right. Fingers crossed.

I've got other irons in the fire, see if some of them won't get hotty-burny-melty soon enough.

How about you people? Whatchoo got going on? How's your writing going? Share and share alike.

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Published on September 05, 2011 21:01

Revenge Of The Penmonkey: Now Available

Borne on the back of a galloping hell-pony, carried in the satchel of a certified inkslinger, I give you:

REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY.

A mere $2.99.

Your procurement options are as follows:

Kindle (US): Buy Here

Kindle (UK): Buy Here

Nook: Buy Here

Or, buy the PDF ($2.99) by clicking the BUY NOW button:

…

Be advised: I sell the PDF through Paypal. I'll send you the e-book directly via email after you purchase: generally speaking, you will receive the file within an hour of purchase. But sometimes Paypal mysteriously delays alerting me, or something I'm asleep (like, say, if you order the book at midnight EST).

Just to be safe, I'll say that you will receive the file within 12 hours of ordering.

Though again, that's an extreme case.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way…

What's In The Book?

REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY is another collection of essays and articles ripped from the, erm, "pages" of this blog right here. It features 30 such essays, including but not limited to:

"Beware Of Writer II"

"How To Tell If You're A Writer"

"How To Jumpstart A Stalled Novel"

"Panster Versus Plotter"

"Six Signs You're Not Ready To Be A Professional Writer"

"Why Writers Drink"

"Word-Karate: On Writing Action Scenes"

"Writers Should Be Motherfucking Rock Stars"

"Your Self-Published Book May Suck A Bag of Dicks"

The book tackles self-publishing, freelance writing, story architecture, action scenes, and overall casts an unblinking eye at the insane-yet-delightful existence of the Average Everyday Penmonkey.

Original Content!

The book features 70,000 words of delicious fatty mind-meat material, but some of that material is brand spankin' new. The book features a new 10,000 word "introduction" ("True Confessions Of A Freelance Penmonkey") which talks about my life and the lessons I've learned about writing along the way. It features stories of crashed vans, strap-on dildos, shit-shooting, college sex, Yukon Jack, and gunshot wounds.

Some essays also receive postscript commentary where appropriate. Talking about general fan response or adding clarification. Noodling my own Devil's advocacy. And so forth.

The book also has another 20+ Questions appendix in which I answer questions put forth by You Crazy Humans Of The Internet. I answer questions about project management, writing goals, fatherhood, Disney princesses, and ketchup. This is riveting shit. It will blow your mind out the back of your head so hard, it shall kill whoever is standing behind you. So don't read it in a bank line.

Finally, the book also gets a brand new writer's prayer: The Inkslinger's Invocation.

Promotion!

First week promotion:

If you buy REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY between now and the close of Tuesday, September 13th, I will toss you a free PDF copy of 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING.

If you procure ROTPM via PDF through me, I will send you 250 THINGS automatically.

If you procure ROTPM via Amazon or B&N, you will need to email me proof of your purchase to: terribleminds at gmail dot com. I will then send you 250 THINGS.

Still not convinced to buy?

This Is How I Finance Terribleminds

Over the last year, maintaining this website has become a little more cost intensive: quite seriously and without trying to brag (though, I gotta brag a little), the visits to this blog have gone through the roof over the last six months. That means I've had to push this site to one of the more expensive hosting plans just to keep it from springing leaks and to keep my host from quietly drowning terribleminds in a toilet.

Further, my time has become even more premium with the birth of Der Wendigspawn, "B-Dub The Magnificent, Diminutive Dictator And Emperor Of Pennsyltucky." As such, it gets harder and harder to provide robust content here as often as I do — so, again, having that financial core to the site via my writing-related e-books helps keep the whole boat afloat.

I'm not saying you should feel obliged or guilty anything. I'm just saying, if you don't buy it, it's going to be another tear-stained pillow night. And my son will suffer from scurvy because I cannot afford orange juice.

"I Want To Commit Further Sins In Your Name"

You wanna do more? Spread the word, for one. Even if you're not procuring the book, then putting it on the radar of someone who might is a good thing and to that I'd say, thank you.

Also: leave reviews. Amazon, B&N, Goodreads. If you love the book, tell the world. If you hate the book, tell your houseplants and quietly swallow your burgeoning rage until a thrombosis forms in your veins.

For any and all of your help, I say: thank you.

"I Want Even More Free Shit, Wendig"

And so, I give you three wallpapers. Let me know if you can download them okay. You should be able to just click the image and download the size you so desire (up to 1600 x 1200).

(The Penmonkey sigil by Amy Houser. Cover and wallpaper design by yours truly.)

WRITE BIG AND WRITE BOLD

DONE FUCKING AROUND

F.U.

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Published on September 05, 2011 08:21

September 4, 2011

The Truth Of The Happy Goddamn Writer

At least, as I see it.

I'll just leave this here.

Please discuss.

And Happy Labor Day, you crazy sonsabitches.

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Published on September 04, 2011 21:01

September 2, 2011

Flash Fiction Challenge: 100 Words On The Subject Of Revenge

"Plucked From The Pages Of History" is the prior week's challenge, and I ask — nay, demand! — you go check it out. Right now. No, no, I'll wait.

Revenge. Powerful topic, innit? To strike back. To give what they got comin'.

To pay a debt that burns deep in the heart like a smoldering coal.

So, that's what I want you to write about.

Revenge.

Here's the trick, though — it is such a potent subject, and yet I want you to increase its potency by compressing the story's density like the aforementioned coal until a sharp and deadly diamond is formed.

You do not have 1000 words.

You only have 100.

And again, we're talking a complete story in 100 words, not a poetic exercise, not a vignette captured in time, not the beginning of a story or just its ending. The whole kaboodle. An entire tale.

Doesn't matter what genre. Crime is an easy one, but don't feel married to that. Fantasy? Sci-fi? Erotica? Whatever you want, throw it at the wall, see what sticks.

From that bunch I'll pick a favorite and that winner will get a copy of my newest writing-related e-book in PDF format. REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY. Chock full of inkslinging goodness.

I still prefer you post the 100 words at your own site, but if you don't have one, you can deposit the tale in the comments below. Make sure to link to your story if posted elsewhere.

Now, get to sinning. It's time to enact your vengeance.

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Published on September 02, 2011 03:59

August 31, 2011

Will Entrekin: The Terribleminds Interview

This has been a week focusing on self-publishing talk, and so it seems only fitting that today's interview is with an author whose work is out there in the DIY self-published space. Do I always agree with Will? No. Do I always find him respectful? Indeed. He's a smart guy with lots to say on the subject, so I'll let him get right to it. Oh! His website is here — willentrekin.com — and follow him on Twitter @willentrekin.

This is a blog about writing and storytelling so before we do anything else, I'd like you to tell me – and, of course, the fine miscreants and deviants that read this site – a story. As short or long as you care to make it, as true or false as you see it.

Neat prompt. How about two really short ones?

Once upon a time seeks happily ever after.

Reality creates time in motion.

How would you describe your writing or storytelling style?

Two "ex" words: exciting and explosions. I always want to tell stories that have both surprise and inevitability, and I like to do so in compelling, page-turning ways, but I like to explore all the elements that might make readers turn a page (or press a button, I suppose, with e-readers). My shorter work and my first novel have been more experimental and character-driven, but even in that way, I like to try to blow shit up. I often say that I aimed to blow up love, storytelling, and the novel itself in Meets Girl; with The Prodigal Hour, I wanted to blow up the universe, reality, and time.

What's awesome about being a writer or storyteller?

Being able to blow up the universe, reality, and time? Seriously, though, the best part about storytelling, for me, is the stories. They say necessity is the mother of invention, and it's the mother of storytelling for me; I tell the stories I need to read because nobody else has written them yet.

Conversely, what sucks about it?

The current publishing model and the business that grew around it for no other reason than a desire to maintain a status quo, and an inability to innovate. Thankfully, though, it's in the process of changing. I think it's going to be a hard transition because it's been so slow to come and has been slow in adoption, but I think the more quickly people embrace the possibility for change, the better.

Deliver unto us a single-serving dollop of writing or storytelling advice (without which you would perish atop a glacier):

"Do or do not. There is no try." What can I say? Yoda taught me screenwriting.

Your foot is pretty seriously forward in the self-publishing camp. What made you go that way? Did you ever try the "traditional" route, and would you ever try it again?

It's grown out of a deeper understanding of market, and how to reach it. My first experience in publishing was at USC, which designated its master's degree as professional writing; pretty much every class I took required us to not only workshop but also submit our work (and the ones that didn't focused on either business or the literary marketplace. It's a rare writing program that focuses as much on craft as on business). While at USC, I workshopped several short stories (I've always been more a novelist than anything else), but when it came down to submitting . . . well, I thought there were better ways I could invest my time than by submitting to short story markets, which seemed to be either little literary magazines that paid in complimentary copies and "publication credits." But I still had a decent amount of short stories and essays I liked a lot, and I had experience in editing and lay-out, and Lulu had just started up not long before, and I thought, well, what the shit?

Since March 2007, that self-titled collection has done more than I imagined. That June, it became the first ebook on the iPhone. Last I knew, nearly 10,000 people had downloaded it (and I only don't know now because Lulu quit recording anything free, which is annoying, and which is why I've largely moved away from doing business through them), and that was, I think, two years ago? Something like that.

For a long time, I thought that the twentieth-century model for distribution was useful. (Corporate/legacy publishing–whatever you want to call it–is not traditional. Poe, Twain, Thoreau, and myriad others published their own work long before publishers grouped together to sell specifically to bookstores and refuse unagented manuscripts.) You have to know what your product is and how the market finds that product, and the twentieth-century model seemed to make sense. And yes, while I was at USC, I did go out on submission with The Prodigal Hour. I generally had a pretty good response rate, and several requests for partials and fulls. Ultimately, most of the agents noted that I'm a good writer and it's a great idea but time travel is a difficult sell. Later, I sent Meets Girl to a couple of the agents who had seen partials of The Prodigal Hour and noted they wouldn't mind seeing more work down the line, but response there was similar (this time, meta is a difficult sell).

And then I bought a Kindle. Until the third generation, they were awkward, ugly gadgets with terrible buttons and strange designs, and then, this third time around, it was like Bezos finally fired his pre-school engineers and brought in the big boys. For me, the Kindle is truly the only viable e-ink reader on the market; the iPad and nook color both have LCD screens, which disqualifies them from long-form reading, at least for me. Don't get me wrong: I can totally see using an iPad for just about anything besides reading a novel (and, indeed, intend to both purchase one and design apps–not ebooks–for it). And for a longtime reader, someone who loved books even more than music or movies, I fell for the Kindle the way people fell for the iPod. It's beautiful, and perfect to hold, and books look great (I don't mind not having color. None of the novels I read use color interior fonts).

Now, people are going to bookstores less, which are closing–we're down to two major chains (Books-A-Million and Barnes & Noble) in the US, and the second is focusing on its own digital reader. Which means the whole "You need an agent/publisher! How else do you expect to get on bookshelves?" argument is going rather moot.

By the time I bought the Kindle, I'd already completed "Meets Girl." And I'd already completed most of my MBA. And I already understood more about business and marketing and strategy plans, and enough to realize that the twentieth century model never actually made sense and carried too much over from Depression-era incentives. Returns? Dumb. Remainders? Dumb.

So I thought, either I could look back at the past and try what everyone else had done and which was floundering and flailing and, ultimately, failing, or I could look at what I had, and what was available, and try to use it as best I could to move forward with it. In an era of recessions, tough economics, environmental troubles, and an explosion of information, publishing my novels directly just seemed to make better sense. My novels are inexpensive ($3) for Kindle (which you can read on almost every reader, save, I think, Sony & Kobo), and the paperbacks look fantastic and print only when people actually want them, so there's neither overstock nor forests felled. I don't tend to have blockbuster opening weekends, but I do pretty well over the long term, and I've got my eye on the ring, not the bottom-of-the-ninth homer of opening night's game.

The "traditional" route? Like Poe and Twain? Well, that's what I'm doing. But you probably mean try to get an agent or talk to bigger publishers than I already am, and there I'd say it would depend on the contract/arrangements. At this point in time, I'm not really interested in contacting agents; I loathe the no-response=pass policy so many have adopted, and I've been seeing more of them begin to offer publishing services to authors, which I see as a huge conflict of interest. I could probably benefit from deeper marketing pockets and distribution to Target/Costco/Books-A-Million (I'm already in paperback on Barnes & Noble and Amazon), but I don't have the exposure of Snooki or the PAC of Sarah Palin, so I'm not sure. I'd also be unsure of giving up digital rights to my work, and I'd expect just about any such arrangement/contract would make that request. I dislike the idea of an advance-against-royalties (I always said that, offered one, I'd give my agent his/her cut and then request the publisher reinvest that cash in marketing, then take more royalties).

Do you have advice for authors who seek to self-publish?

Er. Besides stop calling it that? Beyond the advice without which I would perish atop a glacier? It's simple: write a book you legitimately think is great, and can stand shoulder-to-shoulder with other books you've loved, and share it with everyone you possibly can. But first, FIRST, write that book you believe in. I know it's hard to manage objectivity. I know everyone loves the thought of being a writer. But seriously, shoot your ego in the head and sit down with your book and read it like you had to find it and buy it, read it like it's from your favorite author, and ask yourself if you'd be disappointed.

I'm also a firm believer in writing programs. I wouldn't argue an MFA is necessary, but I know I'm a better writer because I studied at USC.

Finally: get some help. Definitely hire an editor and proofreader and maybe even someone to go over the code. I do all the writing, coding, and formatting, but I wouldn't publish a thing without my editrix. I like to get my hands dirty in html and cover design, and I'm getting better at it. But the cover for my collection was basic at best. I had reasons for it, and no interest in changing it, but my understanding of design has evolved; I love my covers for Meets Girl and The Prodigal Hour.

What are your thoughts on calling self-publishing "indie" publishing? It's a contentious term and comes with a bit of baggage.

Now Chuck, you just handed me a can of worms. But that's okay. I grew up in scouts, and I've gone fishing plenty of times. I know what to do with these.

Thoughts? That's what it is. Independent publishing. There's no such thing as so-called "self-publishing." I wrote about it here:

http://willentrekin.com/2010/10/20/theres-no-such-thing-as-self-publishing/

August 30, 2011

Making Sense Of Ninety-Nine Cents

Some writers can't hack talking about price point. They void their bowels and a throbbing vein atop their forehead ruptures and spurts a jet-line of blood before they fall down to the ground, writhing as if covered with biting lizards. I get it, I do. Writers want to write; writers don't want to think about price point.

That said, self-publishers are tasked with different work than writers, for they are — well, c'mon, do I need to say it? Shit, it's right there in the name. Self-publishers. Thus we need to discuss it.

You may be saying, Ah, here then is another screed against the implementation of the $0.99 price point for novels, and you're either ready to high-five me or break a vodka bottle over my head.

This will not be that post.

It can't be. I have a book out right now for ninety-nine cents ("250 Things You Should Know About Writing"). My hypocrisy would no know bounds if I sat here, charged that price for one of my books, but then cast a handful of sand into your eyes for doing the very same thing.

No, this post is about how to use the $0.99 price point to your advantage. If you're someone who's business savvy, then this lesson will be a lesson you learned in like, kindergarten. I'm not saying anything revolutionary here. But, if you're just a regular ol' writer like me, you very possibly have the business sense of a Styrofoam cup filled with dead ants. Thus, hopefully you'll get some value out of this.

If not, feel free to break a vodka bottle over my head. For giggles.

Caveats, Cuidado, Warning, Disclaimer, Etc.

This is all straight-up opinion. Evidence is mostly anedcotal. Be advised to not take my words as gospel but rather, to take them as a little savory info-nugget on which you may chew. Nom, nom, nom.

Spit or swallow. Your call.

Do: Conceive Of A Strategy

Going into the pricing of your e-book, have a strategy. Any strategy. Let ninety-nine cents be part of your strategy. I've seen a lot of folks start to shake out their own "pricing trees," and mine fall roughly in line with that — something under 20,000 words might go for a buck, a collection or novella might go for $2.99, a novel might go for $4.99, etc. Ponder this going in.

How can you use the $0.99 price point to your advantage? Where could it fail you?

Do Not: Just Price Everything At A Dollar

The only place you should find everything for a dollar is, in fact, a Dollar Store. And even there, you'll find shit for two dollars or five dollars at a dollar store. I consider this to be an epic deception, which is why whenever I encounter this I drive my car through the front of the establishment, then open my trunk and loose upon them a squadron of starving squirrels. Just to punish their callous lying-faced lies.

The other thing about dollar stores is, it's not name-brand stuff. You don't get a box of Froot Loops there. You get a box of, like, Frut Hoops. Or Fruit Schmoops. Or some other generic rip-off featuring cereal made in a Chinese sweat-shop by cigarette-addicted eight-year-olds. Point being, you don't go to the dollar store to procure quality. You go there because you're hungry for cheap-ass value.

Now, that being said, if you're at the grocery store and you see a product you like on sale for a dollar — boom. That's a deal. You snatch that up because you just got quality at a cut price.

That's a psychology you can and should mine in terms of pricing e-books at $0.99. If you price everything you have at a buck, then you're the equivalent of a dollar store. "Cheap-ass wordsmithy," you're barking from atop your soapbox. "A hot fresh bucket of words! All made by North Korean children with arthritic fingers! Nope, it's not as good as Stephen King or even Dean Koontz, but fuck it! It's a dollar!"

And then you do a little jig.

Because everybody likes jigs.

Ah, but: price one thing at a buck and you've created a steal. A deal. A gateway drug.

Pricing everything at a dollar sends up a signal and that signal tells me that you don't value your work all that much. Further, it suggests to me that you don't want anybody else to value it, either.

Do: Use It As An Enticement Price And Loss Leader

Like I said: price one thing at a buck? Boom. Steal and deal. Gateway drug.

These days, the word count out there for sale is forming a hard gluttonous knot of mouse bones and burger grease in the arteries of the system — every day, more and more fatty narrative cholesterol globs onto the clot and it grows bigger and more unwieldy. It's hard to distinguish yourself in that field, hard to further get people to take a risk on your work. A low price point for a single book offers an entry. Maybe it's an entry into your whole catalog or just the entry point to a single series, but it signals that, hey, this is a safe path. Walk this way, and if you like what you see, I've got more stuff to show you.

The ninety-nine cent price point serves as a loss leader. Meaning, you ultimately take a loss on the product to get people in the door. And yes, it is likely going to be a loss; I know there exists a perception that any money earned from fiction is somehow just icing on the cake. It's not. Not unless the production of said fiction took no more effort than popping a squat in the woods. Writing fiction takes time and effort. And caffeine. And liquor! You should be paid commensurate with your effort, which is why most books at that bottom-line price will never earn out, so let it be part of a strategy to earn out with your other offerings.

Do Not: Think That It Is The Best Price For Earning Out

Like I said: don't expect to earn out with ninety-nine cents.

Let's do some quick math. I've done similar math before but it bears repeating, even though math burns my fingers as if I were typing on a keyboard made of melty gooey volcano magma.

(For the record, we will now refer to lava as "earthjaculate." Please update any and all salient records.)

Here's the math.

Let's say you want to earn $35,000 a year as a writer. Not an epic salary but not poverty level, either.

If you were to price everything you're selling at ninety-nine cents, here's what happens: you need to sell approximately 117,000 copies of your work over the course of one year's time.

Is that doable? Sure. I see some authors doing it, and to them I tip my hat and clink my glass and kiss them on the mouth and implant my alien egg-babies into their trachea. Uhh. Ignore that last part.

That doesn't mean it's likely. Or easy.

Now, let's do some more math. I have a book out there, as noted, at a dollar. I frequently float in the top 5/10,000 sold with this book, and am often in the Top 10 list of writing books at Amazon.

To stay at that rank, I sell an average of 18 copies per day, or ~6550 per year, making me just shy of $2000 in a year. Not bad, you think, and it isn't — of course, it presumes my sales will remain steady after only a month of sales, but I'm always a fan of big glorious assumptions, so let's be optimistic and assume that it'll maintain that level. To make my $35k/annual, I'd need to have 17 equivalent products out in the same year, all earning at an equal level. That's a lot of fucking books, you ask me.

Maybe you don't blink at that number. Some self-published authors emerge out of darkness and can offer a massive churn-and-burn catalog of work, and with that approach this becomes more feasible.

Thing is, that book of mine is around 20,000 words. A novel is easily three times that in length, and if we're assuming the average advance on a traditionally published novel is $5000 and we assume you'll never earn beyond your advance, then you would need to sell around 17,000 copies (or ~1400 per month) in a year to make that same amount of money. Again, not impossible, but tricky.

Consider instead a novel priced at $2.99, which only needs to sell around 200 copies a month to earn that same level by the end of a year. Seems doable, does it not? At least, seems likelier. At $4.99, the novel needs to sell 120 a month to earn out by the end of a year. Consider a diverse catalog at a number of price points.

Do: Work The Short-Term Promotion

The ninety-nine cent price point should be a scalpel, not a hammer — it is an instrument of precision. One move is to use that price point as a temporary sales driver — maybe you intro your e-book at that price or do an occasional markdown in order to move some units and get some converts. Converts who might leave you reviews or at least recommend the book to others. Converts who might leave you gift baskets of fruit-flavored sexual lubricants and vibrating heretical idols upon your doorstep.

CONVERTS WHO WILL KILL IN YOUR NAME.

A writer can dream.

Oh, and I can also use the cheaper e-book as an incentive upon procuring the more expensive e-book — like last week's promo where I gave away a free 250 Things to those who nabbed COAFPM.

Do Not: Equate Sales With Readers

Quick point, but worth noting: a lot of self-publishers refer to those who procure their works as "readers." It'd be super-delightful if this were true, but it's not. Some are just buyers — and, in my experience, the cheaper the book, the more buyers (who aren't readers) you'll have. This isn't a bad thing, exactly — I'm not going to tell you how or when you should read my garbage. Use your Kindle as a doorstop. Fine by me.

That said, readers are better than buyers. Readers will do what is intended of your work, which is for the work to — drum roll please — get read. Readers also have the chance to become fans, and fans will buy all your stuff, tell other people about you, and generally be a happy part of your penmonkey ecosystem.

Ninety-nine cents may earn you a lot of buyers, but it does not guarantee those people will be readers. I have a pile of $0.99 books sitting on my Kindle. I bought 'em. I ain't read 'em. And, frankly, I'm in no rush to. I wish I could say differently, but I've got other books I spent more coin on, and for some reason in my mind I equate more coin with greater value and so I wanna consume those first. (Same way I'd be likelier to eat an expensive cookie over a cheap generic-brand cookie. The assumption, correct or no, that the higher cost means higher quality means higher deliciousness factor. Why would I be fast to eat the cheap cookie?)

Do: Sell Direct

The $0.99 price point becomes more valuable financially when you're selling direct. If I sell a copy of 250 Things at Amazon, I make $0.30. At B&N, I make $0.40. When I sell the PDF directly, I get $0.65.

And my direct sales hover at around 20% of my total sales.

I continue to wonder why most self-published authors fail to offer a direct option.

Summation

The ninety-nine cent price point works for certain things. It puts your book out there and it creates an opportunity for readers to get to know you and your work at an un-regrettable value point.

It doesn't work (IMHO, YMMV, ASAP, NASA, LOL, etc) as a single blanket price point for all your work — especially if "all your work" comprises e-books of larger word count (like, say, novels). While I recognize that word count is not directly attached to quality, as a freelance writer I'm conditioned to expect that higher word counts tend to necessitate higher pay-outs to make the time, effort and size of the material worthwhile in terms of the writer's own compensation.

Let's hear your thoughts. How's this all sit with you, writers, readers, self-pubbers? Accepting dissenting opinions and evidence now — don't let this post be the end-all be-all of discussion.

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Published on August 30, 2011 21:01

August 29, 2011

25 Things You Should Know About Self-Publishing

Time again for another list of 25, this time about the trials and triumphs of self-publishing. This article could be titled, Things I Think About Self-Publishing, or, One Penmonkey's Ruminations Upon The Subject Of Self-Publishing, and is not meant to be an end-all, be-all list, but rather, little nougaty nuggets of contemplation. Feel free to drop down and add your own if time and inclination allow.

1. A Sane And Reasonable Part Of The Ecosystem

Self-publishing has become a real contender. Major authors are self-publishing now. And self-publishing has its own scions who have attained epic success in that space. Self-publishing is now a very real part of the ecosystem. Some truly excellent self-published storytelling is at work. Anybody who turns their nose down automatically at the practice should be kicked in the junk drawer.

2. Not Better, Not Worse, Just Different

Publishing your own work is no magic bullet; it guarantees nothing and is not a "better" or "smarter" way to go than the more traditional route. It's also not a worse path. Each path has its own thorns and rocks, just as each path offers its own staggering vistas and exhilarating hikes. Self-publishing gets you out there faster and tends to give you a better return on every copy sold. But it's also a more self-reliant path, putting a lot of work onto your shoulders. The self-published author dances for every dinner.

3. Self-Publishers Can't Just Be Writers

This is true of all writers, really: these days, every author must contribute a deeper share of editing and promotion. But the self-published penmonkey does even more. You're a carnival barker, web designer, customer service agent, CEO, porn fluffer — wait, maybe not that last one. Point is, you're now a publisher, with all the responsibilities that come in the package. Don't want those responsibilities? Don't self-publish.

4. Some Doors Are Presently Shut

Media reviews? Major and not-so-major awards? Foreign and film rights? Libraries? Book signings? Sexy book signing groupies? Not so much. Self-published inkslingers will find that many of these things are not necessarily opportunities that exist for them. Not yet, at least.

5. This Is Not The Path Toward Credibility And Respect

You will not find a great deal of credibility and respect in self-publishing your work. Part of this is due to old prejudices. Part of this is due to the fact that self-publishing still represents a vibrant and virulent catalog of glurge and slush. Of course, if you were looking for credibility, you wouldn't be a writer in the first place, would you? You want respect, go be a zookeeper or a sex worker.

6. Most Self-Published Books Suck A Bucket Of Dicks

This bears special mention: you'll still find that a lot of self-published books are basically canker sores on the prolapsed anus of good writing, good storytelling, and good publishing. Contrary to what some will say, this crap can and does sometimes float: I will from time to time peruse the Kindle Charts and gape in amazement at how superheroically buoyant some garbage can be. And yes, I acknowledge that legacy publishing offers some real stinkers, too. But I thought the goal was to be better than that, yes? And for the record, I have every confidence that the fucking Snooki book at least meets minimal standards compared to some of the piles of midden that pass for books amongst some self-published authors.

7. Your Book Is A Boat Which Must Ride Upon Sewage

Those ass-tastic self-published books are your competition. But they're the competition of any author. It just bears mentioning that, whether traditionally published or whether you DIY, come to the field with the best motherfucker of a book you can bring. Don't half-ass it. You're here to tell stories, not pleasure your ego. Let your book rise above all the effluence.

8. Pinocchio Wants To Be A Real Boy, Goddamnit

Treat your book like a real book. Not like it's some part-human mutant hybrid, some stumbling thing with half-a-brain and a bison's heart. Send out review copies. Get blurbs. Make it look nice. Sound nice. Read nice. Force the book to command the credibility and respect that others of its ilk are lacking.

9. Two-Fisted Team-Ups

A good self-published book does not need to be the product of some lone weirdo in a closet jizzing his foul-skinned word-babies onto the Smashwords marketplace. It comes to fruition with the help of a good cover designer, editor, beta readers, and others within the self-published community. It's why I don't like the phrase self-published — you should rely on others beyond yourself to bring your book to life.

10. Money Out Before Money In

For the record, that might mean spending some money. It's worth it. The reward of having a professional-grade product and not the remnant of some amateur hour karaoke will earn out.

11. Please Don't Let Your Cover Look Like A Three-Fingered Smear Of Dog-Shit

So many ugly covers. So many ugly covers. Once more for the cheap seats: SO MANY UGLY COVERS. Listen, I know — a cover does not make a book. But it's the first line of offense at a place like Amazon, where I'm almost universally seeing the cover before I'm seeing the description. I will click a kick-ass cover because, I dunno, I'm an attention-deficit raccoon who likes shiny trinkets? A great cover shall be your standard-bearer. If you use Comic Sans or Papyrus on your cover, you should be drowned in a washtub.

12. E-Book Designers Are Non-Essential

The e-Book designers out there are probably mad — let me get ahead of that and say: you may find them useful. They do good work. But for many DIY authors, you may not need one (and may not be able to justify the cost). Formatting an e-book for the major services (Amazon, B&N) can at times be an exercise in soul-squishing agony, but over time you figure out the tricks and learn how to make it work. And once you do that, it's not even all that hard. (For Amazon, can I recommend Mobipocket Creator? Free software, totally useful.) Hell, for the basics, Amazon and B&N will auto-format.

13. Editors Are Your Bestest Friends

Get a good editor. Can you self-edit? Sure. Is it a good idea? Not usually. Bare minimum: seek the advice of people you trust, and implement their advice in some way, shape, or form. Give them wine and chocolate and hookers and four-wheelers and kites made from the skin of their enemies and anything else they ask for. Pay their price. A good editor is your best friend.

14. Traditional Legacy Publishing Is Not Your Enemy

You will find little value in slagging those in traditional publishing, particularly authors, agents and editors. They're not your enemy. We're all part of the same ecosystem, swimming around in the pond where we a) tell stories and b) hope to not starve and die in the process. Most of us are here because we love what we do, so hold hands, kiss each other on the cheek, and stop casting aspersions.

15. Agents And Gatekeepers Are Still Your Friends

Iconoclasts love to hate on those that keep the gate, but those that keep the gate aren't universally bad people. Further, they're trained to a certain standard. Agents in particular don't deserve scorn, and can, in fact, still help the self-published author. They may know when a book is right for a published market. They may be of aid in selling rights (print, foreign, film) that you otherwise might not have had access to. And, let's not mince words: many self-published authors would jump like a cricket at the chance to have a book on bookshelves with a big publisher. For that, you will find an agent potentially quite helpful.

16. Amazon Is The 800-Pound Gorilla (And He's Got A Gun)

If you sell anywhere, you're going to sell at Amazon. Start there. Talking to other self-pubbed authors, the majority of their sales come through Amazon. And, since we're talking, if Amazon is the big-ass gorilla in the room, I suppose that makes Smashwords the anemic marmoset who keeps scratching his balls and falling asleep in his own waste. Uhh… yeah. I might not be a fan of Smashwords.

17. The Term "Indie" Makes Some People Vomit Fire

Indie has been a term used in publishing for a while now, meaning a publisher who is not beholden to a Big Faceless Corporation. Thus there is some scorn at those who would use that term — "indie" — to describe self-pubbers. Of course, everybody just needs to pop some quaaludes and calm down. Language changes for better or for worse: the definition of "indie" is a moving target, and has been in film, music, and now publishing. We can all share the language. If we can't agree to share, you'll have to fight in the arena with poison-tipped fountain pens.

18. Beware The Insidious Whispers Of Froth-Lipped Zealots

Eschew false dichotomies. Avoid loaded promises. Spurn those self-proclaimed oracles who claim to know the future. Nobody knows what the truth is regarding self-publishing or traditional publishing, and anybody who thinks you need to jump one way and not the other may not have your best interests at hand. Make your own call as an Informed Human With A Super-Computer Inside Her Head Called A "Brain."

19. This Is The Time For Bold-Faced Brave-Ass Experimentation

So much of self-publishing is doing what's been done. (Another Twilight rip-off? Tell me more!) But the advantage of DIY publishing is that you are beholden to no one but an audience — so why not go big? Fuck the rules. Hell with the genres. Experiment. Play around with storytelling. Do something different instead of traipsing the same paths, la-la-la-lee-la. Got a picaresque cyberpunk novel loaded with ciphers and clues in your head that links up to some kind of bizarre geocaching transmedia experiment? Fuck it. Why not? You want to write penguin erotica? Transgender adventure tales? Bible II: Son Of Bible? Find those things that no major publisher will touch but you have passion for, and put it out there.

20. A Future Found In Format

The future of self-publishing isn't merely in storytelling. It's in the format. The format now is a clumsy foal stumbling around on wobbly legs. Find ways to break free from that. It'll be up to the DIY authors to find new formats — transmedia initiatives, app-novels, stories told across social media. Do not be constrained by the formats that exist. Story does not begin and end with a physical book. It doesn't stop at e-books, either.

21. You Are Not A Spam-Bot

Self-publishers have a lot of their own promotional work to do. That means it's very easy to accidentally become naught but a megaphone hawking your wares. While you should never be afraid to ask for sales or market, you need to market as a human being. Connect. Be funny. A lot of this is going to succeed based on that most ephemeral of market drivers: word-of-mouth. The way you generate that? Nobody knows. But it starts with writing a kick-ass book. Well, that and human sacrifice. But you can't make an omelet without killing lots of innocent people in the name of dark literary entities living beneath the earth.

22. Do Not Buy This Book

Let me just be frank: you don't need this book. Anything it contains can be found elsewhere. For free.

23. Embrace A Vibrant And Active Community

The self-publishing community is a helpful place, for the most part. Can be quite helpful and vocal in support. Discover through this community the best practices. Return the favor. Communicate and converse.

24. But Don't Be A Cheerleader For Crappiness

On the other hand, some elements of the community can be toxic, and further, can act as cheerleaders for self-publishing's own worst instincts. Don't champion a novel because it's self-published. How it got there is irrelevant to the end result. If it's a good book, then talk about it. If it's shit, then forget it. You have the freedom to self-publish; there's no need to vociferously defend that right. But if you want self-publishing to be real, to earn the respect and credibility you think it deserves, then it needs fewer cheerleaders and more police — people who will call a rat-turd a rat-turd and not pretend it's a Rice Krispie treat. Self-publishing also needs more sexy groupies, since we're talking. Call me.

25. Calm Down, Twitchy McGee

Got a novel? Don't self-publish it. Not right away. Give it time. Sit on it. My advice to you is to run it up the flagpole with agents and editors, with friends and readers and other writers. You need to know if it's worth a shit, if it's worth putting out there — do you want to contribute another bucket of crap to the ocean of effluence? No, you do not. Further, you want to be aware of the pluses and minuses to self-publishing. Some books have a shot at going big with traditional: you might earn a good advance and have a chance with film or foreign rights. Do not be hasty to ignore these benefits. Other books will do very well on the Kindle marketplace despite not having a great shot at traditional. Self-publishing can be transformative — and lucrative — if you put the right work, your best work, out there on the block.

My advice is the same I will continue to give when it comes to the fake bullshit battle between self-publishing and legacy publishing: do both. Write books for each — plant a foot in each world so you may reap the harvest of each. What say you, authors? What are your thoughts on self-publishing these days?

* * *

Want another booze-soaked, profanity-laden shotgun blast of dubious writing advice?

Try: CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY

$4.99 at Amazon (US), Amazon (UK), B&N, PDF

And: 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING

$0.99 at Amazon (US), Amazon (UK), B&N, PDF

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Published on August 29, 2011 21:01

August 28, 2011

Transmissions From Baby-Town: "Everyday"

Everyday from Chuck Wendig on Vimeo.

I generally give my Sundays over to writing the Mon / Tues / Weds blogs posts for this here website you have found yourself visiting. That's the normal thing. The plan. The schtick. This Sunday, however, I was forced to give my day toward sitting around in the dark.

Listening to trees groan, shatter, and collapse in the woods.

Listening to branches hurled at our house.

Watching the waters rise at the road, making it impassable.

Oh, Hurricane Irene. You silly bitch.

Anyway! Point being, this week might be a bit lighter on the ol' blogposts than usual. Oh, you'll still get your content. You shivering addicts, you. Don't worry, baby birds. Daddy will regurgitate into your mouths.

Right! Speaking of baby birds, as you can see, I give you: my first home video.

I can smell the excitement wafting off you like cat pee soaked long into an old carpet. Home video. The name alone conjures confetti, cake, bacon, and a small armada of temple slaves here to do your bidding.

Here at terribleminds I talk a lot about our new son, He-Who-Is-Nicknamed "B-Dub," and this time I thought maybe I'd show you him in motion. From Then until Now. I apologize in advance for the diabetes and cavities this will cause you. He's very high on the Glycemic Index, this baby. Just too sweet. Whatever. You're going to deal with it and you're going to watch it and if you're a dude you're going to grow ovaries.

Also: this is my first experiment with iMovie. Took me a bit to get the hang of the program — which isn't hard, but remember I've never used a Mac before — so, feel free to deposit iMovie tips in the comments.

Please to enjoy.

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Published on August 28, 2011 21:01

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