Chuck Wendig's Blog, page 165

Kate Jonez: Five Things I Learned Writing Ceremony Of Flies

Two petty criminals find themselves inextricably linked when a stop at a roadside bar leads to murder. On the run and out of options, they reluctantly rescue a stranded boy and his dog from a lonely crossroads in the Mojave Desert and decide for the first time in their lives to do the right thing. But this one selfless act unleashes a terrifying onslaught of demonic trouble as they struggle to save the boy—and themselves—from an evil far greater than they ever imagined.

1. We Were Somewhere Around Barstow

Barstow, California has a Home Depot. Who knew?

2. The Method

Writers can learn something useful from method actors. Back in the 20th Century, two schools of acting battled for prominence. Classical actors sought to create a lifelike portrayal by studying people and applying the knowledge to their performance. They worked from the outside in. Method actors searched for an emotion similar to what the character was feeling and used that information to inform their performance. They worked from the inside out. Up until I wrote Ceremony of Flies, I used the classical approach. I can’t quite remember why I had the idea to try the method approach but EUREKA. This was a breakthrough. Infusing a scene with a specific emotion bumped up the quality of my writing a level or two.

3. Scary Nuns And Cool Mythology

Christian mythology is more interesting than I thought. I’ve shied away from Christian themes because the world has enough stories about Satan and hell and clergy battling demons, and what do I know about it anyway? I discovered there’s plenty of other cool myths to explore. Also, Nuns are scary. Really, really scary.

4. The Power Of The Novella

Novellas aren’t short novels or long short stories. They’re a distinct literary form with interesting limitations and possibilities. Subplots and multiple point-of-view characters belong in novels. The most successful short stories are told in a single scene with a single point-of-view character. (Of course there are exceptions to this rule. Please list all instances that prove me wrong in the comments. Start with Beowulf) Novellas fit in an interesting middle space. Like short stories they are best when they stick to one point-of-view character and like novels they have the space for multiple scenes. It’s an intriguing form to work with. Novella’s dip a little bit deeper into the world without going in for full emersion. An added bonus is that novellas are especially well suited for reading electronically. Readers seem to like being able to finish a book in one sittings. It appeals to the movie watching instinct.

5. What Happens In Vegas

In 1910 a law was passed in Las Vegas that forbade all forms of gambling including flipping coins. This harsh law inspired gamblers to take their games underground. The lesson here is: fun cities like Las Vegas develop when conservative law makers are in charge, so elect those folks… No, maybe there is no lesson. Las Vegas is still pretty cool.

* * *

Kate Jonez writes dark fantasy fiction. Her Bram Stoker Award nominated novel Candy House is available at Amazon in print and ebook. Ceremony of Flies is forthcoming from Dark Fuse July 8, 2014.

She is also chief editor at Omnium Gatherum, a small press dedicated to publishing unique dark fantasy, weird fiction or literary dark fiction in print and ebook. Three Omnium Gatherum books have been nominated for Shirley Jackson Awards.

Kate is a student of all things scary and when she isn’t writing she loves to collect objects for her cabinet of curiosities, research obscure and strange historical figures and photograph Southern California where she lives with a very nice man and a little dog who is also very nice but could behave a little bit better.

Kate Jonez: Website

Ceremony of Flies: Amazon

Why You Should Act As Your Own Author-Publisher (At Least Once)

If you are a writer:

Consider self-publishing.

Not everything.

But at least one thing.

A short story. A novella. A novel that’s too weird and too risky to crack the carapace on the traditional system. A sex manual. A cookbook. A baboon fart story. Something. Anything. It’s like achieving carnal pleasure from a vibrating home appliance: everybody should try it once. I’ve spoken to plenty of authors who are increasingly going in the hybrid mutant miscreant deviant direction of making out with all forms of publishing, and they seem pretty damn happy doing so.

Here’s why, in short, you should at least dip your toes in these warm waters:

1. Because Yay Money

Selling through most online outlets nets you somewhere between 35-70% of the cover price of your work. This percentage is even larger when you sell direct (and do believe me: you should consider selling direct). It’s easy to conflate this with suggesting that self-publishing will earn you more money overall — this isn’t automatically the case, mind you, because while traditional offers lower percentages, you might sell more with them (and further, the advantage of an advance is notable for many authors who can’t foot the bill to self-publish everything).

Just the same: acting as your own author-publisher gives you a greater return per individual books sold. It’s a good deal, not a bad one, and while it cannot replace the advantages of what you get by being with a larger publisher, it brings this as an advantage all its own.

2. Because Yay Steady, Fast Money

The money isn’t just good — it’s pretty close to immediate. (It really is immediate when you sell direct.) Traditional publishers pay more slowly — some pay so slowly you’ll think they’re shipping your check on some icebreaker sailboat shattering its way through frozen polar waters. Even if the money you earn from your author-published releases is small, it remains steady — steady enough to potentially supplement income, maybe even enough to let you do what too few authors can: go totally fucking pantsless. Uhh, I mean, “go full-time.”

3. Because The Sweet Taste Of Freedom

Publishers, understandably, have a stake in what you publish with them. They are, for better or for worse, your partner in the endeavor, so they want to sign off on what you’re doing. They’re invested in you, but like any stakeholder, that gives them a say into what you actually do.

Self-publishing offers you total freedom. Which is scary and dumb sometimes and might lend itself to drunk-publishing (“I GOT BLITZED ON GIN AND TONICS LAST NIGHT AND ENDED UP PUBLISHING EVERY HALF-FINISHED ABERRATION OF A TRUNK NOVEL I WROTE SINCE I WAS 13. IS THAT BAD?”), but it also grants you a weird breath of fresh air. Publishing is about business, but writing is about craft and art — and if you want to take the risk to publish some really off-kilter genre mash-up: that’s your right to do so. Erotica featuring your favorite NPR on-air personalities? Go you! Shine on, you kooky cubic zirconium.

4. Because The Iron Glove Of Control

When you’re with a publisher, lots of things remain out of your control. This can be blissful in a lot of ways — because not every author wants to be involved or invested in every step of the publishing process. Just the same, eventually you might hit a point where you feel like your publisher isn’t doing everything you want them to, regardless of your expertise (or, equally likely, lack of expertise). You think the cover is ugly as a possum’s asshole. You think they should be targeting libraries more. You’re persnickety about fonts. Whatever. When you’re an author-publisher — ta-da! All that falls into your mashing, sweat-slick hands. You set the price. You determine all of the marketing and advertising. You can design the prettiest cover or just put a picture of a dog humping a bunny rabbit on the cover. The control is yours. You have all the levers, all the buttons. You’re the Doctor and this is your TARDIS. Flip switches! See what happens.

5. Because You Actually Learn What A Publisher Does

Once you publish yourself, you start to learn more about what publishing actually entails. Which means when it’s time to talk to your other publishers, you’ll have a real clue what they’re doing, and why, and if they should be doing it better. Listen, part of why publishers have power is because they own that power. Deservedly. They know how to do the things you don’t do. That is, frankly, part of the arrangement. But – but! – if you learn more about their role, you at least buy yourself a greater investment into their role, and can determine more completely whether they’re actually working for you or abusing the arrangement.

Learning more about the business side of your writing life? Never a bad thing.

6. Because Faster, Pussycat — Kill Kill!

You should not hastily self-edit your work, slap on some kind of horrible stock photography as your cover, then flick your literary booger onto Amazon’s windshield in the hopes that careless readers will get drunk enough one night to lick it off. That’s what bad author-publishers do (*swats them with a newspaper*). Right? Right.

But, even if you take the proper amount of time to outline, write, edit, edit, edit, rewrite, edit, re-edit, format, design, and then post — you’re still doing it faster than larger publishers. This is often a knock against those publishers when it really shouldn’t be — the time it takes them to put together a book is a team effort, and requires a lot of careful threading to marry it into the schedule with all their other books while simultaneously helping to ensure it gets space at the bookstore shelf level. What this means, though, is that in the gaps between traditional releases, you can slot in books you are publishing yourself. You are the mortar between bricks.

6. Because More Pebbles Means More Ripples

A creative career — meaning, actually making money being a person who crafts the fuck out of art — is a a hard row to hoe, but despite what many might say, nowhere near impossible. Part of it just means throwing a lot of pebbles and making a lot of ripples. Ripples run into other ripples and have interesting effects — some go far, go wide, and reach the shore.

The more pebbles you throw?

The more ripples you make.

Author-publishing affords you the chance to make more ripples.

It might lead to new and interesting deals with larger publishers.

More importantly: it might actually earn new readership. Gasp!

(And remember: we do not build our audience. We earn our audience.)

7. Because You Might Like It

It’s like with anything. You need to try new things because, hey, guess what?

You might enjoy it. You might decide you enjoy the opportunity to be bit more independent. It tickles some part of you — maybe it’s the freedom, maybe it’s the control, maybe it’s that you can write a fictional instruction manual for a time-traveling VCR and post it to the Internet and charge three bucks for it because why the fuck wouldn’t you?

As always: diversification is rad. Publishing with publishers large, small and so itty-bitty the publisher consists of you-and-only-you brings a host of advantages and disadvantages unique to each path. The truly amazing thing about being an author right here, right now is that you aren’t required to pick one path: you can multi-class like a dungeon-traipsing dragon-hunting bad-ass. You can explore every aspect of publishing and mine them for their advantages — which further helps to obviate their notable disadvantages.

You don’t have to go all-in with author-publishing. (I’d advise not doing this, actually. This is business, which means baby-steps to see if the ground if stable beneath your feet.) But it remains an opportunity — a real option. But how will you know that if you don’t try?

Would love to hear about your experiences as an author-publisher. Good and bad!

Drop ‘em in the comments below if you’re willing to share.

* * *

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25 Ways To Write A Real “Page-Turner” Of A Book

A real page-turner.

That’s what some people say about certain books. Some of my books, actually, have earned the declaration — and I always thought, well, that’s a curious thing to say. It either sounds like maybe the book has met the bare minimum requirement for being a book (I was able to grudgingly turn each page to the next page until no more pages existed in that particular book) or it is, instead, some kind of magical Harry Potter shit (the book’s pages turned themselves when I said the words ‘Bibliotekas Slothfus!’).

What they mean — or I hope they mean — is that the book was exciting enough that they “could not put it down.” (Another declaration that has me worried. Is the book shellacked with some sort of cruel epoxy? Have you been cursed by a sorcerer? ARE THE PAGES LACED WITH DELICIOUS HEROIN AND NOW YOU NEED AN INTERVENTION? Put the book down! You need to eat!)

These comments — compliments, surely! — suggest that the book drove them to consume it in great heaving gulps. “This was no pokey read,” it seems to say. The reader blasted through it like a Taco Bell meal geysering through and out the large and small intestine.

More seriously, this is something I genuinely strive for in my fiction. I used to love those books (still do, obviously) where you pick it up at 4PM and next thing you know it’s midnight and you’re almost done the book and covered in a sheen of sweat and you forgot to eat and all of reality’s many lines have blurred. It’s like you’ve been abducted by aliens and are experiencing lost time. That’s a wonderful thing. A book that consumes you as much as you consume it.

I like that effect.

I aim for it.

Page-turner.

Could not put it down.

The question is: how?

It’s not something I’ve always thought consciously about — but it’s worth considering, isn’t it? How do you write one of those relentless, throat-grabbing, whip-cracking reads? How can you write a book that gets its claws in and just won’t remove them until its done?

I AM FULL OF THOUGHTS.

1. Thriller Pacing

Even if your book isn’t a thriller, you’re trying to achieve what would be considered thriller pacing. A thriller isn’t ponderous — it moves like a starving shark. It doesn’t dally. It careens forth with a sense of barely-controlled energy, like a car barreling down a ruined mountain road with its brake line cut. It doesn’t matter if the book isn’t a thriller — you can still lend some of that energy to the fiction just the same. A sense of breathlessness, of anticipation, of sheer gotta-know-more. Thriller pacing — to me, at least — means the story moves. No fucking about. A boot mashed against the accelerator. (A good example of this in television is: Orphan Black. Every episode ushers that story forward. No hesitation. Nothing dragged out.)

2. A Gut Punch Of Danger

Danger. Peril. Grim menace and unparalleled jeopardy. Many such “page-turner” books are shot through with an unyielding dose of danger. This isn’t occasional — this is persistent. We get the feeling that characters aren’t ever really safe. We know that at any moment the Vatican-trained orangutan assassin could appear and end another life. This doesn’t just need to be mortal peril, either. Emotional danger (the surety of a loved one discovering betrayal). Spiritual jeopardy (one’s soul as a battleground for malevolent forces). Constant pitfalls. Many depths, dark and deadly.

3. Escalation, Escalation, Escalation

The danger sprouts many heads. It feeds and it grows. It no longer appears from just one angle, but now: another, and then another, until the characters are beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. And you will KNOW that I AM THE LORD — whoa, hey, sorry, I think I’m channeling Jules from Pulp Fiction. Point is? The danger needs a volume knob. You need to start it on 1, and then end it by spinning it to its maximum, breaking it off its mooring, then using the jagged plastic to stab the reader in the throat. (Metaphorically. Uhh, please do not stab your readers with anything except the viciousness of your fiction.) Put more succinctly: make things worse and worse for the characters. Complicate the problem. Add layers.

4. Behold: The Cliffhanger

The cliffhanger — which sounds like a weird sex move or a particularly diligent dingleberry — isn’t just for use at the end of a book. The cliffhanger is a sinister toy that you can use throughout the work. This is how a cliffhanger works: you are, at periodic intervals, going to say to your reader: “I have a cat in this box and the cat could be dead or alive. You can open the box now and see, or I can walk away, and the box will remain closed and maybe the cat will simply die and remain dead and then a gaggle of evil feline specters will haunt you from the cat-flavored afterlife and that’s on you, pal. That’s on you.” And, ideally, the reader is like, WELL FUCK I GOTTA KNOW ABOUT THIS CAT and then proceeds to open the box. The mechanism for this is simple: you end a chapter or a section of the book with a moment of intense what-the-fuckery. It can be a character in a moment that would seem to intimate her death. But it doesn’t actually have to be about danger — any shocking action or nugget of information will do. The appearance of a character the reader thought dead! Something everyone said shouldn’t or couldn’t be done just happened! A marriage ending with a cruel declaration! The revelation that everyone is a robot! Whatever! You want the reader’s eyes to bug out like bulging Champagne corks, leaving her only one choice: READ MORE BOOK NOW PLEASE.

5. An Uppercut Of Mystery

Said it before: the question mark is shaped like a hook. The question (i.e. mystery) is bait. The question mark at the end of a question is the hook that sets in the cheek of the reader and drags them along. Populate the work with mysteries big and small. Mysteries of all types, too — mysteries related to character, to big plot, to subplot, to worldbuilding and metaplot, to backstory, to future happenings, and on and on. Every chapter should contain some iota of mystery, for it is the question that keeps them reading. And when you solve one mystery, more must arrive. Each answer creates two more questions. It’s like: finding the key to the locked door just reveals a room with more locked doors — or a room full of keys. Or a room full of wombats wearing tiny top hats and solving baroque-looking puzzle boxes. WE HAVE SUCH SIGHTS TO SHOW YOU, one such sinister wombat says. Then the door to Hell’s sex labyrinth opens.

6. The Timing Of Mystery Matters, Too

Readers don’t like to feel overwhelmed, and a good unputdownable book knows to dole the mysteries out swiftly, but not all at once. Your first chapter shouldn’t be 2000 words of questions. A simple way to visualize this is to see the overall story as a straight line, and then along that line are little arches and loops — like stitching. But there are also larger arcs above that, like rainbows. So, you’ve got little mysteries introduced chapter-by-chapter, and solved one or two chapters later, but you’ve also got larger and more persistent mysteries that cover whole acts or even the entire book or even the entire series. (Again I point you to: Orphan Black. Every episode does a fine job of asking new questions but also answering them. And yet, two seasons later, we’re still in the dark about the creation of clones or their overall purpose.)

7. The Power of the Pivot

The pivot. One of my favorite devices. The pivot works like this — you’re going one direction. Say, north. The reader is going along with you because that’s how the reader rolls. And then, just as everyone’s comfortable with the direction, you suddenly pivot and head northeast. Or east. Or you spin around heel-to-toe and go back south. The act of the pivot is one of surprise: you’re sending a signal to the reader: “You thought I was doing one thing, but really, I’m doing another.” You want them to gasp. In the Matrix, when you find out this isn’t just a movie about hackers and instead is about a war against robots based in a virtual reality? That’s a pivot. In Die Hard, when we realize Hans Gruber isn’t really a terrorist but, in fact, is a thief who desires the trouble that’s being brought down upon his head because it serves him: yep, pivot. The pivot is a good way to make the reader feel a sense of urgency, uncertainty, excitement. And excrement. In their pants.

8. The Role Of Misdirection

The author is a magician. Not a sorcerer whose magic is cryptic and unknowable, but rather, a proper stage magician whose tricks are well-practiced to completely fuck with the audience. One of the critical components to composing an illusion is the art of misdirection. The stage magician holds up a honking duckling puppet and says, LOOK, I WILL TRANSFORM THIS PUPPET INTO A HONEY-GLAZED HAM, and then as the duckling flaps and quacks, ninjas sneak into the theater and stab all the audience members. Or something. I dunno, I’m not a magician. What I do know is: readers love being tricked (when it’s fair, at least). They love you setting up three characters who could be the killer, but then revealing how really, it was the fourth character. The one they never suspected. They think the bomb has been under one of these three tables you keep moving around but really, it’s been up the character’s ass all along.

9. What The Hell Is The Author Gonna Do Next?

What all this speaks to is the author’s willingness to fuck with the story — they want to see what you’re going to do next. As such, it is your job as the storyteller to be bold and unpredictable (provided that it makes sense within the rigors of the story). Kill the main character. Blow up the bomb that they thought couldn’t ever go off. They think the story’s ending will be X, so you have X happen at the midpoint of the book, leaving them in completely unanticipated territory. It is the storyteller’s job to say, you cannot trust me, and once that is firmly and irrevocably established, the reader will read along just to see what you’re going to do next.

10. What The Hell Is The Character Gonna Do Next?

We like characters who surprise. Just as we want an author we can’t trust, characters are interesting, too, when we cannot be sure what they’ll do next. The moment where a protagonist does something supremely bad-ass or the villain performs some truly heinous fuckery, those are great moments. Jaw-dropping, kick-ass, I-did-not-see-that-coming moments. When readers are promised characters who Do Interesting Things, they want to keep reading. Sounds simple in theory. Not always so easy in execution.

11. The Role Of Humor

Humor might seem to have no place in a compulsively-readable book, but I’d disagree. Humor isn’t a spice you want to overdo — too much sweet-and-sour will pucker the mouth — but a little humor here and there puts the reader at ease. You want them at ease for two reasons: one, so that the entirety of your story isn’t one unpleasant trachea-punch after another; two, so that you can, just as they get comfortable, trachea-punch them. HA HA HA THEY THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T GONNA DO THAT. The fools. The fools! *punches you in the trachea*

12. Rhythm of Language

Vary your sentence length and structure. Short sentences and dialogue press the accelerator; long paragraphs and description hit the brake pedal. Language lubricates the fiction. Sometimes you want to speed things up — particularly in a work you want to be nearly addictive in its consumption. Big giant blocks of text always run the risk of building a wall that the reader will choose not to surmount. Leaner, meaner sentences are the order of the day. (An excellent example of this was the author Charles Grant. Lots of dialogue and short throat-punch sentences. Sometimes his chapters were literally a single sentence in length.) Every sentence needn’t be short, and long paragraphs aren’t a no-no — but make sure that the language used is meant to create a sense of urgency and excitement rather than a soggy swamp of pondering ponderousness.

13. Rhythm of Narrative

Narrative, too, is subject to rhythm. Action and conversation — something always happening, something always being said. But everything doesn’t need to be go go go every moment of the story, too — think, if you will, how a good hard-driving rock song will at times slow shit down. Things go quiet. The drums fall away — or maybe it’s the guitar that fades back. But you know what’s coming. The beat’s gonna kick back up. The music’s gonna start layering back in, louder, louder, louder still, and then it’s gonna be like a wave crashing over a seawall as the song roars back bigger and meaner than it was before. A roller coaster isn’t all downward momentum — part of the power is the slow rise, the calm before the storm.

14. Fire Needs Oxygen To Burn

Put differently — your story needs to slow down sometimes because that’s how the story breathes. The metaphor of fire needing oxygen is apt — we need time to think, to consider, to go deeper with characters and let the story fill out a little. Your job is to tighten the noose, yes, but you still need time to tie the damn thing. These oxygenated moments give us reason to care about the story — it is during these periods that we are allowed context and reflection. (Just don’t let them go on too long. Eventually you have to throw the latch on the RABID METH-BADGERS box and once more upend those nibbly motherfuckers so they can again run rampant.)

15. Treat Exposition Like An Ugly Band-Aid

Exposition isn’t a bad thing, per se — sometimes, details must be conveyed for the situation and the world to be understood. You can only get so far in a story utterly bewildering readers with little half-ass hints and cheeky winks before somehow, in some fashion, expository data sweeps into glue the broken parts together with the epoxy magic of context. Just the same, exposition always runs the risk of being boggy. Bad exposition is like clayey mud clinging to the bottom of one’s already heavy boot. And when you’ve got a fast-moving page-turner of a tale, even good exposition might stall the momentum. How to handle this? Treat it like a dirty, grim necessity. It’s like an old, gummy Band-Aid: you have to rip it off fast. This is combat landing time: get in, deliver exposition, and get the hell out again in as short a time as you can muster.

16. The Suspense Of Bad Decisions

Suspense is that feeling in your gut that something bad is gonna happen. Bomb’s gonna go off. The beast will escape its cage. Old Homeless Dave with his Butt Plug Bludgeon will once more menace Central Park. That gut-feeling is tightened as you give hints that the Very Bad Thing is getting closer to happening: the bomb ticks down, the hinges on the cage are breaking, Old Homeless Dave’s potter’s grave has been torn open and his body is missing. But there is, for me, a more refined version of suspense and it’s one that’s driven by characters: my favorite form of suspense is that caused by characters we love making decisions / taking actions that we hate. The teen in the slasher film goes out into the dark garage. The cop compromises his ideals by taking a bribe. The necromancer summons Old Homeless Dave to do his bidding. That kind of suspense is the kind driven by people; it invests me deeper in the story and makes me want to move more quickly through the narrative to see how those bad decisions bear their poisonous fruit.

17. Make Them Want It, And Then Deny Them Ha Ha Ha You’re Evil

The protagonist is the reader’s proxy. What the protagonist wants is what we, the reader, also want. You, the storyteller, are the chiefmost antagonist in any tale, and so your job is to rob the protagonist — and thus, the reader — of satisfaction. It’s cruel. It’s dangling candy in front of a baby and when the baby reaches for it, you yank the candy away and then also punch the baby. Readers want the satisfaction you do not easily grant them. They’re like drug addicts. (And sometimes this necessitates giving them a little taste now and again: a hint of sweet satisfaction before once more plunging the protagonist into your narrative piranha tank.) It’s like telling someone they can’t itch their nose. That person didn’t even have to scratch her nose, and now she’s like, AHHH MY NOSE ITCHES LET ME ITCH IT I WANT IT I NEED THIS SONOFAGODDAMN GGGNNNH — *claws at face*

18. Point To The Shoe: “That’s Gonna Drop,” You Say

Sometimes it’s not about surprise. Sometimes it’s about spoiler alerting your own story. “Heather dies in seven days.” You’re giving away the end of the magic trick. You’re saying: “I’m going to turn this donkey into a bushel of mangosteens.” You just gave away the ending — or, at least, gave away something that’s going to happen. You’re pointing to the Sword of Damocles dangling over our heads and saying: “This shit right here? It’s totally going to fall. Head’s up. Like, literally.” And then you get to spend the story showing us how. It’s a tease, a hook, a taste — and if it pleases, the desire to want more will power them to turn pages oh-so-quickly.

19. The Creation Of Doubt

As has been said, the storyteller cannot be trusted. A trustworthy storyteller is a boring storyteller. And so, you must create doubt in the reader’s mind that you, the storyteller, will eventually do the right thing. They must be uncertain as to the health of the future in the story you’re telling — victory cannot be clearly predicted, the protagonist’s hopes and dreams are held in increasing danger, the power of good over evil cannot be  assured. You create doubt by, well, being an asshole. That character everyone knows you won’t kill? *stabs them in the neck* Just as hope gets within sight? *pushes red button, hope explodes* Think of yourself as a bank robber — one who has to shoot a hostage now and again to prove how serious you are. Doubt brings them back. Because they want to see how you’re going to convince them otherwise. They want to be tricked.

20. Tap Into Common Fears

Simple fears and threats, elegantly executed, can make for a helluva page-turner. Sharks. Terrorism. Serial killers. Vampires. Bees. Toddlers. Lindsey Lohan. Mangosteens.

21. Tantric Information Delivery

Show the reader only as much as they need to continue reading. This is a trail of breadcrumbs left for a hungry little bird — make them hop for it. Tease it out slowly.

22. The Book And The Hook

Describe the story’s hook — the core premise, the narrative throughline — in a paragraph. Then, revise it so that it’s only a sentence. You might be saying: “What does this pitch have to do with writing a page-turner?” HOLD STILL I’LL TELL YOU. You’re so wriggly! Anyway. The point is: if you cannot succinctly describe something cleanly, clearly, and with much enticement, you probably can’t translate that to the page. Distill the pitch. Clarify the hook. Find out what matters — what’s catchy about it? What is the most delectable part of the character, the conflict, the plot? Sharpen the hook to catch the readers.

23. Will They, Won’t They?

A page-turner of a book has a kind of manic energy — and while a story like that can have a lot of complex things going on in the background, often the story itself has a very simple crux to it. And that crux is, almost literally, a crossroads. It is the question WILL THEY, or WON’T THEY? Will she cure her disease? Will the couple get together? Will he save his son, or blow up the moon, or avenge his chihuahua, or whatever. This is it: the binary question. Yes or no. Let this question infect every page. Let it grant the tale the energy it needs to compel readers. Practically speaking, it means never letting this question drift far from the story you’re telling. Always circle back to it.

24. Get Excited, Goddamnit

If you’re excited by what’s on the page, we will be, too. If you write with a kind of gotta-catch-em-all lip-biting nail-scratching lunacy — we’ll feel it, too. Write with vigor and intensity. Get excited. Infect us. Take us for a ride. You’re the one driving: press the pedal down, take all the hard curves, turn right when you said you were going to turn left. Love the journey. Addict yourself to the tale and we’ll find ourselves addicted, too.

25. To Reiterate: Stop Fucking Around

The books that sink their teeth into me and hold my gaze steady do so because they don’t fuck around. They move quickly. They’re brave, bold, sometimes batshit bizarropants. It feels like somewhere early on the author said, “You know what? Fuck it,” and then stripped naked and ran into traffic. That’s an author you want to watch. That’s a story you need to see unfold. Kick off the kiddie wheels. Thumb the safety off. Fling rocks at hornet’s nests. (Okay, don’t really do this — I literally did this today and, uhhh, it didn’t end well for me.) One of the most compelling things a reader will experience is a writer who is operating at a blistering, almost careless level — an author who will blow it all up just to keep you entertained is an author worth reading.

(Related: 25 Turns, Pivots, And Twists To Complicate Your Story.)

* * *

500 Ways To Write Harder aims to deliver a volley of micro-burst idea bombs and advisory missiles straight to your frontal penmonkey cortex. Want to learn more about writing, storytelling, publishing, and living the creative life? This book contains a high-voltage dose of information about outlining, plot twists, writer’s block, antagonists, writing conferences, self-publishing, and more.

All this, straight from the sticky blog pages of terribleminds.com, one of the 101 Best Websites for Writers (as named by Writer’s Digest).

Buy ($2.99) at:

Amazon

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Direct from terribleminds

Or: Part of a $20 e-book bundle!

Post A Sentence, Critique A Sentence

If you’re willing to share a sentence from your WIP (work in progress), then do so. Or, if not your current work, then something else you’ve written and finished (or “finished”). You can share here, below, in the comment section.

If you share a sentence, you should also be willing to critique a sentence written by someone else.

Consider how the sentence reads.

Is it clear?

Powerful?

Muddy and uncertain?

Elegant?

Is there a good rhythm?

Does it go on too long?

Examine the sentence. A sentence — above the word, at least — is the smallest building block of our writing and storytelling, so it behooves us to learn how to write a whip-crack of an example.

What makes the sentence work?

What causes it to fail in its mission?

Post a sentence.

Critique a sentence.

Discuss.

And, as always: be kind, be constructive more than destructive, and remember that any and all critique is largely subjective. (Though certain rules for language may apply.)

Flash Fiction Challenge: @YouAreCarrying

Last challenge: “Bad Parents“

AND WE’RE BACK.

Sorry — little holiday interruption last week.

This week, a bit of a quirky one.

You ever play those old-school Infocomm text adventures?

(Zork: “You are eaten by a grue.”)

I was a huge fan.

Now, there’s a Twitter account / bot that, if you tweet the word “inventory” to this particular Twitter bot — @YouAreCarrying — it will tweet back at you a randomized list of inventory items, taken, I believe, from old Infocomm games.

(Example:)

@ChuckWendig a chair, a broken clockwork canary, a green eyed rock, a veil, a skeleton key, a ransom note, a pretzel, a manhole cover.

— YOU ARE CARRYING: (@YouAreCarrying) July 11, 2014

So, I want you to do that.

(Or, if you don’t have a Twitter account, go pluck a tweet from the YouAreCarrying page.)

Take all the items listed in the response tweet (your “inventory”) and use them all — in some way, oblique, abstract or overt — in a flash fiction. We’ll up the word count to 2000 words for this one. Due by next Friday (7/18), noon EST. Post at your online space; drop a link below so folks can follow it back. And that’s it. Go forth. Get your inventory. Write a story.

J. Kathleen Cheney: Five Things I Learned Writing Seat Of Magic

Magical beings have been banned from the Golden City for decades, though many live there in secret. Now humans and nonhumans alike are in danger as evil stalks the streets, growing more powerful with every kill….

It’s been two weeks since Oriana Paredes was banished from the Golden City. Police consultant Duilio Ferreira, who himself has a talent he must keep secret, can’t escape the feeling that, though she’s supposedly returned home to her people, Oriana is in danger. Adding to Duilio’s concerns is a string of recent murders in the city. Three victims have already been found, each without a mark upon her body. When a selkie under his brother’s protection goes missing, Duilio fears the killer is also targeting nonhuman prey.

To protect Oriana and uncover the truth, Duilio will have to risk revealing his own identity, put his trust in some unlikely allies, and consult a rare and malevolent text known as The Seat of Magic….

1) DON’T WRITE THE SECOND BOOK IN A SERIES FIRST.

Yes, I did that. I wrote The Seat of Magic before I wrote The Golden City.

I originally wrote The Seat of Magic as a follow up to a novella, “Of Ambergris, Blood, and Brandy”, that was published in 2010. I pitched The Seat of Magic to my future agent (Lucienne Diver) at the DFW Writer’s Conference in 2010 but, after reading the full, she wrote back to me saying it was clearly the second book in a series, and therefore she couldn’t represent it.

Now by that time, I’d decided I needed to rewrite the novella at novel length. That novel eventually became The Golden City. After I sent it to my future agent, she did decide to represent the books. So that worked out in the end, but…

My editors for The Golden City suggested some changes. They were fairly large changes, but they made it a stronger book. But those changes set off ripples of further changes that essentially required tossing a full half of The Seat of Magic (since it occurs later chronologically.) So I ended up throwing out a lot of work because I’d done it out of order.

2) DON’T OBSESS OVER EVERY DETAIL.

My books are listed as Historical Fantasy, and I worked hard to get the day-to-day details of my historical setting correct. But shortly before I turned in The Seat of Magic to my editor, I noticed that in 1902 Porto…Santa Catarina Street had sidewalks.

ACK!

I went into full panic mode, poring through old photographs of my setting and trying to determine which streets were cobbled and which had sidewalks at the edge. After a couple of hours of this, I decided to get a map and start highlighting the streets with sidewalks so I would get them right.

And then I had a sudden revelation: no one would care. My alternate Porto has had entire streets demolished and a palace built in it. The city’s population includes selkies and sereia and seers. Readers can handle a few missing sidewalks.

3) DON’T TRY TO GET IN THOSE TASTY TIDBITS.

Like most authors, I did a lot more building for my world than I could include in my books. There were a couple of tidbits I felt people would find interesting, but every time I tried to stick in that paragraph about selkie procreation or sereia culture…I ended up taking it back out. Those things might have been interesting to me–and about 12 readers–but they would have been boring distractions to everyone else.

4) DON’T READ THE REVIEWS.

This isn’t the same for every author, but for me, I learned very quickly that reviews were distracting. I had a deadline for my next book, and if I started obsessing over some tiny criticism (which occur even in favorable reviews) that kept me from writing. Therefore, for me to be an effective writer–and get my work in by my deadline–I’ve had to stop reading reviews….even the good ones. (This was an unexpected development for me, since I never had that problem with short story reviews. I do not know why it’s different with my novels.)

5) DON’T LET STRESS SUCK THE JOY OUT OF WRITING.

As I got closer and closer to deadline on The Seat of Magic, I found myself having days where writing felt like drudgery. I hadn’t experienced that before, partially because writing has always been a stress reliever for me. Despite my looming deadline, I decided to set aside one day a week where I would work on something other than the WIP. I worked on silly stuff, stuff that will probably never see publication.

Doing that reminds me that I’m writing because I love to write, and that’s what’s important.

* * *

J. Kathleen Cheney is a former teacher and has taught mathematics ranging from 7th grade to Calculus, with a brief stint as a Gifted and Talented Specialist. Her short fiction has been published in Jim Baen’s Universe, Writers of the Future, and Fantasy Magazine, among others, and her novella “Iron Shoes” was a 2010 Nebula Award Finalist. Her first novel, “The Golden City” was a Finalist for the 2014 Locus Awards.

J. Kathleen Cheney: Website ǀ Twitter

The Seat of Magic: Amazon ǀ Barnes & Noble ǀ Powell’s

Sycophants And Stockholm Syndrome: More Publishing Rhetoric, Yay

Blah blah blah, Amazon-Hachette.

Amazon put out a new offer which was very kind to Hachette writers, so kind, in fact, that it was untenable because it would hurt Hachette in the end: roughly the equivalent of saying, “We will give every author a pony and a jet-ski if all the executives at Hachette line up on television and punch themselves in the face.”

The offer may very well be an earnest one by a company that loves authors. The offer may be a plea to get the hearts of the authors without doing anything about it, because Hachette was always, always, always going to reject that deal. (If I know you’re going to reject a deal up front, I can offer you the world, appearing grandly magnanimous in what is predictably an empty gesture. I might suggest that Amazon’s kindest and most realistic move would simply be to return Hachette books to their original status — pre-orderable and shipping quickly. This wouldn’t merely be kind, but also help stanch the flow of buyers who are realizing they can buy books from, y’know, other places, thus altering their purchasing patterns and — oh, hell, this isn’t why I’m here.)

Point is: I do not know the hearts and minds of these corporations.

And if we’ve learned anything from Hobby Lobby and certain petitions:

Corporations are people and we’d hate to hurt their feelings.

Ahem.

I’d offer, however, the notion that authors are actually the real people here that are worth caring about — and the rhetoric and framing of this author-versus-author is total uglypants. So, in this instance, when Amazon makes its deal and several Hachette authors come out and say, “That’s lovely, but actually, I quite like my publisher,” they are noted as suffering from ‘Stockholm Syndrome.’ Which is to say, they are being compared to actual hostages who have been made to sympathize with their captors. It’s nasty language, suggesting that they are, in effect, abuse victims who have grown to like the licking they’re taking.

Please, understand:

Some writers like their publishers.

I know, that’s weird, particularly if you’ve taken the position that Self-Pub Is True And Mighty and Traditional Publishing Is Exploitative And Cruel. But, here’s a revolutionary idea: maybe traditional-publishing isn’t universally exploitative. (It can be! Oh boy, it can be.) Maybe, just maybe, people have agents who have negotiated for them strong contracts that don’t fall prey to a lot of the perils we hear: they keep copyright, they get good advances, they negotiate stronger percentages and escalators, they are free of various harmful non-compete clauses. Maybe every publishing deal isn’t a whip-crack against one’s bare ass.

Not every publishing deal is the Prom at the end of Carrie.

Some authors feel they are getting value from their publishers.

Editorial. Marketing. Distribution.

Some authors feel that they cannot do these things on their own, or simply don’t want to.

That’s not Stockholm Syndrome. (A term that proves itself false the moment you take a long look at it — a captor is one who has forcibly detained you. Authors willingly sign contracts. They are complicit from the get-go. If you’re another writer using this term: you should be a better writer and cleave to more precise — and less inflammatory — language.)

Some authors really are in uneven — even exploitative — relationships with their publishers. It’s true. And if you’re earnest hope is to help show them the light, you don’t do that by calling them names like a schoolyard bully, or worse, suggesting that they are in some way mentally ill. You do it by consistently showing them the freedom you possess that they don’t. (Not money. Going on about how much money you’re making, while honest, has the look of a rich kid crumpling up dollar bills and pitching them at your head.) Just open the door and let them see the Glittery Unicorn Wonderland in which you frolic — you don’t then also have to go up to them and punch them in the face because they’re not dancing around the same candy cane maypole.

And, just the same, when an author with a publisher says they’re happy?

Leave it alone.

Wish them well!

Consider that they might be:

a) earnest

and

b) not actually held hostage.

They are not sycophants for liking their publisher. Just as you’re not a sycophant for thinking Amazon is pretty whoa-dang cool for doing what it’s done. (Curiously, Amazon, when acting as a publisher, offers deals comparable to those on the traditional side of things.)

So, y’know — maybe tone it down a little.

Maybe accept that people have different experiences.

Maybe they’re not bound to their captors because they… aren’t held captive.

And maybe, just maybe, stop using a term that implies mental illness or at the very least makes you sound like a bully. One’s choices as an author-publisher are plenty valid without others having to make the same choice as you. As I said over the weekend: this isn’t religion, and this isn’t war. You don’t score points (outside of invisible social points that you can’t spend and that make you look like a wanker) for “winning.” You do what you do.

You don’t proselytize by cutting everyone else off at the knees.

PLAY NICE TOGETHER

DON’T RUN WITH SCISSORS

YOU’RE ALL AUTHORS NOT BEARS AND GLADIATORS

DON’T BE JERKS

NOW HUG.

HUG, I SAY, HUG.

*stares*

MAC: Motivation, Action, Consequence When Creating Characters

I am always eager to get characters on the page quickly, without fuss, without muss, and doing something immediately. Not like, sitting around, flicking their genitals and staring at the Travertine tile reminiscing about that time the exposition exposited about that other exposition, but actually up and about. Active. Interacting with the world — exerting will – with agency.

This was my motivation for writing an earlier post about creating kick-ass characters.

So, I figured I’d share another one of the little things I keep in mind when flinging characters into the gnashing hell-jaws of my monster machine — er, I mean, “into the story.”

This is: MAC.

Motivation.

Action.

Consequence.

It goes like this:

Motivation

A character has a need. A want. A major motherfucking desire. This isn’t just a small-time yeah, maybe I want that. This is something they are motivated to achieve. Motivated as in: moved to act. This isn’t, “I want those new Zesty Bold Pecan Habanero Diapercrisp Doritos I keep hearing about.” This is: killing someone. Falling in love. Hiding a body. Proving one’s innocence. Blowing up a planet. This is something that would change the character’s life for good or bad. Not just revenge, but a specific revenge on a particular sonofabitch.

The character is driven.

Action

The character takes action. They are forced by their want/need/desire to do something. Not talk about it. Not just turd around and ruminate upon it. They are pushed to drastic, compelling, fascinating action. They violate their own status quo. They do something they wouldn’t normally do. They push. Take risks. This isn’t like, putting money in a parking meter. This is betting it all. This is putting every last bit of oneself on the line to enact a fantasy.

This doesn’t have to be just one action. It can be several — a whole chain of them. A plan. A scheme. A sequence. A plot in and of itself. (And if you’re catching a whiff that this is how plot is actually made — well, you ain’t wrong about that.)

Consequence

As they say, actions have consequences. Push down on one bubble, another pops up. That whole scientific principle of ‘every action has an equal and opposite reaction?’ True for stories. (Though I’d argue that you could, in the service of brevity, shorten it to every action has a reaction.)

Sure, it’s entirely possible that the consequence is: THE CHARACTER GETS WHAT HE WANTS AND THEN BUNNIES FROLIC AND EVERYTHING IS CHOCOLATE, THE END.

That sucks, though. You’re a storyteller. ‘Consequence’ is a word with great, well, consequence. It’s heavy. Foreboding and forbidding. It could just as easily be written as: and then shit happens because you accidentally fucked up in dogged pursuit of your desires. Character needs money for his baby girl’s heart transplant (motivation) so he robs a bank to get the money (action) and, well, c’mon, robbing banks usually comes with an unholy host of complications, right? Dead guard. Cops outside. No money in the vault. Hostages. Bill Murray in a clown costume.

Lots of potential conflicts and complications.

Both also great ‘c’ words that could sub-out for Consequence, should you so choose.

(Unlike “cock-waffle.” That gets us no closer to illumination, you cad.)

That Gets You Started

This is just a very, very simple way to get characters on the page — characters who want things and are willing to pursue their wants with diligence and fervor. Characters who are vulnerable to the truest, most vile antagonist of them all: you, the evil-ass storyteller.

(“And I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling characters!” — every good storyteller ever, unmasked for the monster that they are.)

You may again notice that, from this simple-yet-vital springboard, sweet plot waters flow.

It’s true. Plot is easily and competently built from even a single character’s chain of motivation, action, and consequence. Want shit. Do shit. Fuck up shit. Boom, plot.

Except, here’s a secret.

Shhh, A Secret

Characters with divergent motivations and actions intersect.

And this intersection creates drama.

Darth Vader wants to bolster the Empire and hunt down that pesky princess who keeps stealing his plans and giving them to warbling droids. Luke Skywalker wants to get the fuck off his sandy cat-turd of a planet and with the help of one such warbling droid undertakes a mission to save the very princess that Darth Vader captured. When these two characters intersect, it creates drama — drama that is further fueled by the lie of Vader killing Luke’s father and the truth of Vader being Luke’s father. Each character is dicking up the other character’s plans.

Think about how multiple characters want different things.

Or sometimes want the same things, but demand different actions.

Or how the consequences of one character’s actions push and pull on the life of another character.

These three simple building blocks are bricks.

And sometimes characters fling these bricks at each other’s heads.

Sometimes on purpose.

Sometimes accidentally.

But drama is born as a result.

And in that conflict and that drama:

Plot.

*drops mic*

*mic crushes a pretty butterfly*

NOOOOOOOOO

#plot

I Want An Office Shed

Or a treehouse, or a cabin, or Neil Gaiman’s Magic Writing Gazebo.

Asked about this on The Social Medias yesterday, but now I’m asking you.

Anybody done this? Have an outdoor office? Some companies sell pre-fab buildings for just this purpose. Another option is to buy a shed and retrofit it to serve as an office — obviously I’d need electricity and some kind of HVAC and a rancor pit. Plus gladiator quarters.

So. Hit me with your best shot.

Publishing Is Not A Religious War

Dave presses his eye against the scope.

He sweats and squints. “Which one is which, again?”

Harry, behind him, squats down on a rock and peers through the binoculars. “The fat one — one that looks like a bean bag chair that grew pipecleaner legs and started tottering around, that’s Simon. The skinny one, tall and lean as a Virginia Slim cigarette, well, that’s Schuster.”

Deep breath. In, out. In, out.

Dave suddenly pulls away from the scope. “I dunno if I can do this, Harry.”

“Godsdamnit,” Harry says. He sucks in a snot, chews it a little, spits it against the rock – spat. “You picked a side, Dave. Time to tell them Big City Publishing types that they can’t tread on us.”

“Were they treading on us, though? I mean, seems like everybody’s allowed to do their own thing — it’s just, y’know, it’s just business –”

“Business?” Harry barks, incredulous. “Business? By Bezos’ balls, Dave. This ain’t just business. This here is idea-ology. They got ideas that ain’t our ideas and that’s a no-no. Can’t have folks running around willy-nilly thinking that they can just do different things. This is a war for the spirit. A war over freedom and independence. Now kiss that Kindle and take the shot, Dave.”

Dave nods. Grabs the Kindle dangling around his neck, gives it a kiss, then stoops back to the rifle. He blinks away stinging sweat.

Harry, in his ear: “Take the shot, Dave. Take the shot.”

Bang. The gun kicks like a scorpion-stung horse. The rifle report ripples across the valley — the sound of a bullet ripping the sky like a piece of paper moments before it unzippers Simon’s robot head, sending up a rain of sparks. Schuster warbles and screams and runs for cover. Even here they can hear its legs clanking.

“The other one’s running,” Dave says.

“That’s all right,” Harry answers. He claps Dave hard on the back. “We’ll get him later. For now, we gotta move down into the canyons. I hear there’s a camp of those Smashwords heretics that needs some education. Now, before we go –” He bows his head in sudden prayer. “May Amazon find us and bless us and keep our royalties high.”

“Ay-men.”

* * *

The publishing chatter has gotten weird again.

This time, it might be weirder than ever. For a while there, it felt like we were learning toward a matured, more nuanced conversation. Less cheerleading, more caretaking. Fewer Anakin Skywalkers running around, angry enough to lightsaber children, and more Obi-Wans dispensing wisdom and keeping his lightsaber mostly holstered.

We are, sadly, experiencing a minor hiccup in good sense and reason.

Because once again, we are treated to writing and publishing becoming an US versus THEM dichotomy. False dichotomy, actually, because it’s an absurd notion, that we exist on opposite sides of things — writers, who are ostensibly bent toward writing good stories, aren’t in opposition with one another no matter how we put those stories out into the world.

But that’s the language we’re once more hearing. Because two big companies (Hachette, Amazon) are having a slap-fight in public view. And various pundits and polemicists have ascribed almost cosmic significance to the battle — a battle whose exact permutations are veiled behind clouds of PR and propaganda. The Guardian reminds us that “authors take sides,” and I’ve seen talk that compares publishing to war and revolution.

I just want to inject a little sanity into the conversation and say: while I quite like Scalzi’s “football” metaphor, some of the rhetoric surrounding publishing sounds more like we’re arguing religion or politics. It has the whiff of left-wing versus right-wing, atheism versus Christianity, good versus evil. Propaganda has a clever way of making it seem like, if we let THOSE OTHER PEOPLE “win,” then next think you know we’ll be gay-marrying our guns and have to drink organic pesticide out of terrorist hand grenades. Cats marrying dogs and Felix stabbing Oscar in the shower and all that.

It’s fine to think about these things. It’s good to have strong opinions about these things. Problem is, treating this like a war isn’t a very good way to make decisions about your art or the business of your art. Seeing two sides in publishing — whether it’s Amazon versus the Big Five or self-pub versus trad-pub or what — is almost dipshittedly reductivist, but also convinces you that your choices are far, far fewer than they actually are.

(My god, AMAZON VS. THE BIG FIVE sounds like a comic book, doesn’t it?)

I mean, even inside self-publishing, you can see various schisms — a visit to a forum like kboards reveals disagreements aplenty, some of which are helpful to watch, others of which are almost scary in their ideological posturing. Some traditional publishers love Amazon. Others despise them. Others still are like, “Ennnh, whatever gets it done?” Some go hybrid. Some don’t have the time, energy, inclination or skill-sets.

Presenting this as if it’s TWO SIDES, SO PICK ONE completely misrepresents the sheer potential of the landscape. This is a truly bad-ass time to be an author, and this makes it sounds like we’re fighting some fucking apocalyptic hell-battle on steeds made of Kindles and jousting ostriches ridden by slavemaster Big Five editors. You can do so much with your work, now. And when you find that one door closes — you can just take that other door over there. Or that one, or that other one, or that window, or you can stay right here and publish stories for your cat. You have a bonanza of options, grabbing hold of the advantages and disadvantages intrinsic to each.

We have choices.

More than we have ever had.

I fucking love having choices.

I like that I can buy things online. Or go to Target. Or the grocery store. Or the farmer’s market. Or eBay. Or Amazon. I can get a nice couch from the furniture store or one stained with blood and serial killer jizz from Craigslist. I can buy beef jerky made from a cow I just met a few weeks ago or I can eat Slim Jims made by enslaved sea creatures. (That’s the only thing that can explain the existence of Slim Jims.) I can, as an author, publish myself. I can hire an editor. Or not. I can talk to my readers. Or not. I can answer questions on Goodreads, I can submit to agents, publishers big and small and in-the-middle. I can stick, feint, duck, move.

I can do whatever the hell I want.

Picking a side by pretending there are only two will fuck that all up.

Do not do it.

When you see this kind of agitprop, call it out as what it is.

It is hot, bubbling monkey menses.

That’s not to say this stuff isn’t important. Or that you cannot or should not make business decisions and vote with your dollar. You can, and jolly well should. But once again I call for an end to lazy thinking and zealous cult-leader posturing put forth by camps who, surprise surprise, benefit when you join their army.

Approach this with empathy and logic.

Know yourself and know what works for you, and don’t let anyone try to take choices off the table. Traditional authors are not slaves. Self-published authors are not idiots. Hybrid authors are, admittedly, time-traveling terminators — though be assured that we’re totally cuddly and surely harmless. Remember too that in asserting the false dichotomy, you’re risking telling other people that their choices are invalid. You don’t want them to say that to you, right? You don’t want them to take away the validity of your choices — or take away your choices in general? Remember that the things you say have the potential to hurt authors and limit the choices of readers — because this is about their choices, too. Readers don’t have to buy from Amazon. They don’t have to read only work curated by Big Publishing. They, like authors, don’t have to pick sides.

They want good books, goddamnit.

So let’s give them good books in whatever way suits us.

Support authors and support readers.

Support the culture of stories and publishing as a means to get those stories into the world.

Stick. Feint. Duck. Move.

This isn’t a crusade. This isn’t Blue versus Gray.

Neither side has Vatican assassins.

Fuck false dichotomies and made-up publishing gods.

You don’t have to join the revolution or choose targets on the other side.

Otherwise, you might dig your heels in so hard the horse you’re riding dies underneath you.