Eddie Huang's Blog, page 2

Girls Season 2: Ep 2 by special request @mislat

THESE ARE NOT POLO SHIRTS AND THIS IS NOT A RECAP... I'm going to cover 2 scenes in episode 2: Hanna x Dive Dating x Fetishization and Marnie x Pretty People Haters

Marnie is an amazing interviewee. She's sharper than most people interviewing her, yet, she's aiming so low with her life. We all know these people... You have no idea why they take dead beat desk jobs or play assistant to so-and-so going nowhere editor at fill-in-the-blank dinosaur hip hop magazine when you know damn well said assistant should be the editor.

Marnie goes through the motions in interviews, humors potential employers with lines like "yea, she's not very good at living" and you just want her to flip the table over onto the sidewalk, step on gallery owner's head, and force them to hand over their business like it's Johnny Fontaine's freedom. #LucaBrasi #OfferYouCan'tRefuse

But Marnie ends up doing something more realistic, predictable, but still POWERFUL. She gets a "pretty person job" and I fucking love it. She's getting $400 a night to be a hostess. There are attorneys and doctors that make less. It's one thing when men "gaze" on women and frame their sexuality but it's another for a woman to take it, control it, and own it themselves. Is that what being a hostess is? Probably not. It's not a power position. It's at times a degrading position especially knowing what you're selling, but in my mind it's about what you do with the money. It's a tricky dance, but real boss bitches get paid. SUP LISA ANN AKA THE OTHER SARAH PALIN! SUP SARAH PALIN! I mean, for real, wasn't Sarah Palin basically campaigning for a "pretty person" job? And didn't she lose her power when she lost control of the messaging? If she had used her sexuality and won the office of vice president, it's a win. But, to do reality shows, to do fluff appearances, to do Glen Rice, those aren't "power moves" so to speak. If you control your identity, your integrity, and your messaging, SELL IT short term, but you have to evolve.

Jamaicans sell tank tops with holes in them.

Nigerians sell bubble guns.

Young pretty fly NY chicks sell titties at the hostess stand.

Society sucks. It forces you into these boxes but you have to use what you have to get out.

I sold shirts on the 6-train, I sold porno on 3.5" diskettes, and I sold buns, but I never ever let myself get satisfied. I never took on the mentality of a mother fucker selling buns. I told myself I was a boss and that standing by a steam table selling buns was a short term thing. I was paying dues. No matter how many people told me to stand in a kitchen, I ignored it wrote the book, did the show, and got out. So fuck anyone who thinks Marnie's selling out getting a "pretty person" job. I hate these entitled peons who have the luxury of not taking shit jobs and then clown people who HAVE to take them to come up and pay their bills. #HustleHard

Athletes are revered in our culture and they use their bodies. What's the difference? The difference is that society drew a line at using your bodies for sport, but not sex. Yet, you have to ask yourself in a Partriarchal society why that line is there? Probably cause women could run the world if they withheld the punani... I digress. North Brooklyn Dive Dating and Fetishization of Dangerous Black Men... Leygooooo!

...

The conversation between Hanna and Childish Gambino is fucking amazing. To anyone that thought Sex in the City was ground breaking, please, this show is doing to Sex what The Wire did to the Sopranos when it came out. Girls goes beyond the world that lives within the black box and grapples with the issues cable wants us to believe don't exist. Conversations about dating that are forced to circulate within the margins of faux-post-racial America are fucking useless.

I honestly can't stand Childish Gambino's character on Girls just like I can't stand Hanna but it's fucking perfect. These people exist. Black republicans = They OUTCHEA MANG and they have as much of a right to their shit opinions as the rest of us. Black, yellow, brown, Cuban Republicans, I see you, I don't fuck with you, but yall have as much right to your opinion as I do. To tell someone they should align with a party, opinion, or view point because of the stigmas attached to their skin is bullshit. You have no idea what people went through and any attempts to distill that experience based solely on skin is futile.

Hanna in episode 2 is quite possibly the most despicable character I've ever seen on a screen and it's genius. She's this Oberlin educated liberal white chick who thinks she's down because she "read" about it. The most obnoxious quality in a human being is the inability to recognize when you don't know; that's Hanna. The reason why Girls is so infuriating is because there is an absence of "white guilt". I love white guilt; it's cultural chlorine ridding the social pool of over zealous white know-it-all-ism. And, it's beautiful to see how out of balance conversations in this generation go when a self-absorbed, entitled, white chick like Hanna feels personally slighted and forgets to put her white guilt hat on. It is impossible to communicate with white people without the presence of guilt.

At the crux, that's one of the core through lines in Girls. Most people from dominant culture acknowledge the need for guilt as being drivers in the cat bird seat of the world's foremost super power. I have guilt when I go to Taiwan, I have guilt when I go to the hood, I have guilt when dealing with employees for the simple reason that I'm in a position of power. With great power comes great responsibility and one of those responsibilities is to carry guilt.

I'm out...

For the record, I didn't want to recap this episode cause I felt it was perfect, but shouts to @mislaT for making me recap the ep!!!

GET A FREE BAO TOMORROW!

PRE ORDER HERE: https://ganxy.com/i/71174/eddie-huang...



ALSO, CHAR SIU BAO debuts tomorrow and you can get that as your free bao.

Girls Season 2: Ep 1

This was your classic first of the season catch up episode with one twist...



HOUSTON, WE HAVE A BLACK PERSON!







Yes, yes, Lena has blessed Girls Season 2 with the brother from Bro Rape. I'm very excited even though he's perpetuating that stereotype that black dudes will date anything that has pink nipples even if it looks like stuffed cabbage with a mustard gravy blouse she bought at Buffalo Trader Joe's.



Last week, I went with a friend to sell clothes at Buffalo in Williamsburg. It was fucking hilarious watching people bring clothes for sale that looked like they pooped in them. Like, hey, this isn't designer, this isn't even forever 21, this isn't even defective Polo from Marshall's, but I did have a fish taco accident in it. You want? If you're bored this week, get blazed, get a powerade zero (cause we off them carbs after 3pm, thanks Oprah), and go laugh at people trying to sell clothes they pooped in.



As the show opens, we see Shoshanna exorcising her room of all that clam juice from season 1 when she busted it open for Ray. No lie, Ray is my favorite person on Girls. I feel like in season 3, Lena will reveal that Ray grows up to be Jerry Seinfeld and that Adam gains 200 lbs, loses his hair, keeps every thing from season 1, 2, and 3 in the same wallet and becomes George Costanza. But before we leave Shoshana's room, we see that stupid fucking Keep Calm, Carry On poster. You live in New York Fucking City and you can't find a better graphic print to put on your wall? You could have got this hot shit from Pho Banc!!!







I would much rather hook up with a girl that had a poster saying VIETNAMESE HAMS ARE NOT FOR RESALE!!! on her wall. ESPECIALLY IF EVERYTHING ON HER WALL WAS IN CAPS.



Then we see Marnie: she has lunch, her boss name drops Tom Sachs (SUP HOMIE!), then she lays her off... then Marnie has lunch again with her mom. Man, white people RUN lunch. I can never get away with two lunches and I bet Childish Gambino never gets to have two lunches in one episode this season.



BUT IF YOU MOUTH BREATHERS PRE ORDER MY BOOK THEN I CAN GO ALL M.I.A., EAT TRUFFLE FRIES, AND HAVE 88 FUCKING LUNCHES THIS YEAR! PLEASE BELIEVE I WILL NEVER TELL YOU MY GOAL IN LIFE WAS TO BE A POOR SRI LANKAN REVOLUTIONARY. MY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO EAT TRUFFLE FRIES WITH THE NEW YORK TIMES AND I WILL SHOW TRIBUTE TO MY RACE BY INSTAGRAMMING SAID LUNCH AND THEN YELPING THE RESTAURANT LIKE MY USER NAME IS TWINKLE-TOE-MSG888. YOU ALREADY KNOW: ELITE YELPER SINCE 2008 FUCK WHAT YA HEARD SHE'S AN EXPERT CAUSE SHE MAKES DUMPLINGS AT HOME AND HER BOYFRIEND SAYS THEY'RE DELICIOUS BEFORE HE GREEN TEA CREAM PIES HER AT NIGHT. #BADGUYSHIT



Marnie's Mom makes Marnie uncomfortable at lunch because she's all sexually liberated sleeping with cater waiters and shit. I hope NY Magazine asks this question: "Are Cater Waiters the New Nick Cannon?" I guess if I was an independent, sexually liberated, old bird that had money and thus no need to ever wash another man's wok... I would sleep with cater waiters and couriers from Kenan & Kel. #Feminism #ItsAlive







Poor Marnie... Her Mom's out there fucking any 21 year old with a stack of black napkins and shrimp cocktail, but she hasn't been mashed out since season 1. Lemme know if you wanna ride the Bang Bus, Marnie, I know people who know people.







Lena and Elijah decide to throw a house party. Nice way to just get every one together and tie up this set-up episode. I figure it's all downhill from here and BANG. The absolute best moment of Season 2 so far. Shoshanna air Dj'ing with a dixie cup on her ear and then Shoshanna karaoke'ing Sean Kingston "Beautiful Girls" to herself muttering "suiciiiidal, suuuuicidal".







"DAMN ALL THESE BEAUUUTIFUL GIRLS, THEY ONLY WANNA DO YOU DIRTY... THEY'LL HAVE YOU SUUUUICIDAL, SUICIDAL, WHEN THEY SAY ITS OOO-VER." - The GOD Sean Kingston



And it's at that moment with Sean Kingston dropping knowledge and Hanna dropping draws that I realize... Black dudes and The Kid Mero had it right all along!!! WE SHOULD ALL BE DATING UGLY WHITE WOMEN (mero wife fly FYI). They will hold pans for you to pee in, bring you food, pain killers, and buy you TVs from best buy WITH THE MOTHER FUCKING INSURANCE. I reminisced on all those high school mall dates where I tried to steal girls shit from piercing padoga and they were like "PANDA, DON'T WORRY, I'LL BUY IT." And I was all DMX like "WHAT? .. YOU BUY? ...WHAT? WHERE MY DOGS AT?... COME ON!"







YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE WHITE WOMEN? CAUSE THEY THE ONLY WOMEN IN THE WORLD THAT CAN STILL AFFORD TO BELIEVE IN LOVE AND I TAKE THEM TO THE FUCKING BANK. I LOVE ME A WHITE CHICK THAT LOOK LIKE A WALKING BODEGA HOT BAR. FUCK ME THEN PAY ME!







IM TAKING THE J/M/Z TO BUSHWICK RIGHT NOW TO FIND SOME UGLY FAKE BROKE ACTUALLY WEALTHY WHITE WOMEN! COME ON! X GON GIVE IT TO YOU!







P.S. this whole post is a lie, i bought my girl a dress from wang last week but u can't be mad, i was in the bang bus and ma didn't say anything... silence is an alexander wang dress: COME ON! ARF ARF ARF!

#FreshOfftheBoat LA Pt. 2 w/ Roy Choi

POW!

Christmas @ Jezebel

3 years ago, December 24, 2009, we opened Baohaus on 137 Rivington...




This year, we're gonna celebrate our 3 year anniversary on Christmas with THE CHOSEN PEOPLE @ Jezebel. We wanted to highlight some of our favorite dishes from Baohaus and past CNY dinners for our Kosher homies who haven't gotten to try it. So, to all my old friends from Cardozo, this is the time. Come poly with us... 




Here's the set menu

(ordering in accordance with Kosher LAW)




Mala Black Sea Bass




Spicy Short Rib Noodle Soup w/ Beef & Fennel Peppercorn Dumplings




Taiwanese Cold Cucumber & Eggplant Plate




Bao Platter




Szechuan Roasted Cornish Hens w/ Broccoli Rabe Fried Rice




Granita

WE DON'T BELIEVE YOU, YOU NEED MORE PEOPLE

So, we went to Persian LA and I have to say, it was disappointing. 




Respect to the gods of Tehrangeles, but I don't feel like a community a collection of shops and businesses makes. Assimilation is a tricky mother fucker and there's good and bad with it is as there is with every thing. If you live in Persian LA, if you Persian in America, let me know what's really good. I want to know what it's like on your side. Not every one needs to bunk up in Chinatowns, Little Haitis, etc. but let me know where you at Persians... because Shahs of Sunset and Andre Agassi's Dad is all we have to go off right now. FAAACKK

#FOB Taiwan EP 1, Part 3

 It goes without saying, this episode was special. I remember when I got my show with Cooking Channel and I told myself, "Gotta get Mom on." I don't know if it's a Chinese thing, a Taiwanese thing, a NY thing, or just a human thing, but when things are good I think of family first.

You watch the show and it probably seems like I talk to my parents every day, but it's more like once a month. Once I moved to NY in 2005, I told my parents I'd only call when I had good news cause I was a grown ass man.



I wasn't a kid that needed my parents' opinion, support, or hand holding. I just wanted to make them proud, so, on both shows whether it was Cooking Channel or Vice, I always got my family with me. That's who I do it for.

So thanks to every one who watches this episode because this family story wouldn't be possible without your support. It's a special moment for the kid and it's really because of yall.



 Lastly, one moment in the show I want to bring attention to. When my Dad says "Japs" we thought long time about taking it out and actually did, then put it back in on Friday during edit (YES, we work overtime yall... shouts to Jarad Jeter and David Laven). My Father's family and Mother's family both were in China up until '49 or '50. My parents are the youngest of 5 and 6 in both their respective families and the only ones of their brothers and sisters born in Taiwan after fleeing China. My father's family lost their home and numerous family members from the war. My Grandfather on my mother's side sold mantou on the street in Taiwan. There's literally one generation between me and that man sitting on a blanket selling bread.



 I don't think I'm allowed to hold a grudge nor do I think it's prudent, but he's allowed to. We could have protected ourselves, the show, my father, etc. by pulling it out, but we want to represent the real. You can't go to Taiwan and do an episode without encountering the Japan or China issue. I think any group of people who have had families torn apart by war understands how my father feels. We literally wouldn't have ties to Taiwan were it not for the war. Just like Scorcese left the ill n-word drops in Goodfellas, we kept the Jap joke. "Sorry boys" - Velona



 Smack your favorite Chinaman and cop the book

You Wasn't With Us Shootin In The Gym

I swear I knew what I wanted to do with myself. 30 years ago, 30 days ago, 30 minutes ago, I swore I knew where I was going with this, but there are mad fucking voices in the internet my g.

I woke up today and read articles about living without irony, truth telling about Brooklyn's restaurant scene, re-defining a renaissance as pastime, and of course every Huang's favorite topic of discourse: immortality. This is just another day in 2012.

I get why people would say... Irony is a defensive maneuver; White Brooklyn is overrated; and immortality is within our clutches because I live in 2012, but the thing we have to remember is that we will disagree with all of this in 41 days because it'll be 2013 and in this generation, that's 369 million views of Gangnam Style.

As I sit here listening to Nellie Lutcher's "The Song is Ended... (But the Melody Lingers On)", reading Josh Ozersky impress the White Brooklyn experience on the whole of the borough, drinking a hot soy milk I ordered on my cell phone from my own restaurant, smoking some shit called Durban Poison x OG Kush, I realize that we have every thing and nothing all at the same time.




Even in a post-Sandy-recession-America, we're paralyzed by choice and many times... opportunity. I can remember what soup dumplings tasted like when I was 6. I can remember exactly how I felt when Webber called the timeout and I can tell you what it was like watching the Berlin Wall come down, but I can't for the life of me remember what I wanted to do 20 minutes ago without google calendar. I can't write without a billion fucking digital sticky notes and I can't be on time for anything even if all I had to do is put on underwear and click on Skype, but it's not because I'm not trying. I am.

But it's also not because I don't have the resources because I do. Anyone who tells you they "can't" do something is lying. Anything is possible and not only is it possible, but it's possible this AM, this PM, ASAP, EOD, and if you're across 110th St: V$VP. Yet, every day I fuck it up. Why is it that we have every thing and nothing all at the same time? Because we let old fools TELL US we're fucking it up.

I like that we respect the past. I like that we shop vintage, design retro, and eat slow. I like the resentment our generation has for the mundane, the processed, the co-opted. I like that it's not good enough to just drink beer unless its incredibly shitty cheap beer or incredibly overpriced artisinal beer with a clever name and transcendental graphic design that somehow says every thing we need to know in 12oz increments. I like that people see the value in old dim sum parlors or Mario's on Arthur Ave. We are expected to know what's best. We are expected to know all. We are expected because we have access.

But look Mom and Dad, our "access" and our opportunity is a lie just like that time they dangled Miami in front of Lefty (Donnie Brasco). The internet is just a really fast newspaper. Iphones are just another layer and parents just don't understand that our generation has its own challenges. The same questions you couldn't answer about life, happiness, and existence elude us too. The internet only holds what we put in it. So get the fuck out of my head and let me live.

We want nothing of the middle. We want to celebrate the margins. We try really hard to project meta slacker. Yet, despite Hanna Horvath's mesmerizing attempts to cloak this generation in a blanket of 70/30 USDA choice ground apathy leaking out of a spaghetti strap, we are a VERY ambitious generation. Every Girl in "Girls" is a socially paralyzed product of this generation, but they're not real. They're flat pawns, being moved around in an allegory by a 26 year old woman who will probably run the world in 3 internet years i.e. episode 5 of Season 2. They are caricatures. And although Dinesh D'Souza and friends paint Obama as a left-leaning crazy "trapped in his father's time machine", he is an inspiring boring centrist half-black President who will never make anyone happy because the trademark of this generation is not entitlement but EXPECTATION. We are drunk with the weight of expectation.

Yes, this is our generation: a hyper ambitious lot that's running around like a chicken with no head being portrayed as irreverent, nihilistic, and ironic, but actually trying really fucking hard to live up to the expectations. A place in time where cats chase dogs, girls run the world, and Brooklyn is overrated. When every thing is at our fingertips, it all seems so far away. I don't see my friends, I don't hear my friends, but no matter how much I text, tweet, email, and skype, I miss playing Marvel v. Capcom with my friends on a couch eating cookies from this farm called Pepperidge which I don't believe was actually a farm at all. I go to Katz, I go to Russ & Daughters, John's on 12th, Rao's, and read Andrew Zimmern wax poetic about Uncle Tai's, but what do I know about 1970s New York? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. I like it better because I wasn't there. And people shit on irony, or Brooklyn, or Kobe because they weren't there with a mother fucker shooting in the gym.



But we are... We're here. So own up to it mother fuckers. Broke don't look good on nobody. We want to be rich. We want to ride chrome. We want to leave our mark. So when people tell us it used to be better or Josh Ozersky tells Brooklyn it's delusional or Wampole tells you to live without irony, tell them to suck a holographic bag of dicks because it's 2012 mother fucker and we don't give a fuck, except when WE decide we do.

#FOB Taiwan Episode 2

We did some "cooking" #BaseGod
We did some surfing #SurfNinja
We perpetuated stereotypes about Americans by channeling Guy Fieri #CheesePorkMuffin

Fuck with the kid

Fresh Off the Boat $$$









#YoungTakeOff





Ninjas was hungry







Music for the gods




Son of A-swey