Anneliese Dalaba's Blog, page 3

The Weight of Grief, the Hope of Glory

On Monday, I had such a great day. It felt like the heaviness of grief had lifted. The sun finally broke through the clouds. I almost felt normal again. This reprieve from sadness lasted into Tuesday morning.

But on Tuesday afternoon, the weight returned. It’s not easy to describe it to someone who’s never gone through this before. We all have felt the burden of disappointment and various kinds of grief (I have too), but when you lose one of the most significant people in your life, the load of grief is unimaginable. (A dear friend sent me this picture. It accurately depicts grief.)

Thank God, I have discovered that in this place of utter loneliness and burdened with a load of care, God is nearer still.
His Word encourages my heart.
His promises give me hope.
His sacrifice assures me that my loss is not permanent.

Whenever Curt and I planned vacation while our children were little, I would begin talking to them about all we would do during our time away. As I drove to the store with both children strapped in the backseat of the car, I’d entertain them by going over the details of our vacation plans. When I ran out of stuff to tell them about, my seven-year-old daughter would call from the back, “Mommy, let’s talk about vacation again.” Their hearts filled with anticipation, and they wanted to know more. Somehow, hearing about it gave them a foretaste of the joy that awaited their arrival.

Since Curt passed away, I’ve been curious to know what he’s experiencing in heaven. He already has the answers to our many questions. Faith has become sight. And knowing Curt is there, has piqued my interest like never before. I’ve been reading books about heaven because, just like my children anticipated vacation, I want to know all I can about what awaits me. And what I’ve learned so far has whet my appetite. I can hardly wait to arrive there.

When we were preparing for the mission field, my husband went ahead of us to find a home for us to rent. He didn’t want to arrive there and have no place for his family to live. So, on his own, Curt searched and found a lovely townhouse that fit our budget and our needs. When everything was signed and ready for us to move in, he came back for us. Then the kids and I saw our new location and home for the first time. Curt had prepared well for our arrival.

In some ways, this is how our separation now feels. It’s as though Curt has gone on ahead of us to scout out our new home. I imagine he’s seeing and experiencing many things there already that he cannot wait to show us. Knowing Curt, I believe he’s looking forward to our arrival with as much joy and anticipation as we feel about seeing him again. And the more I read about heaven, the more I long to enter the place God has prepared for those who love Him.

Therefore, if you have been raised with Christ, keep seeking the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on the things that are above, not on the things that are on earth.

Colossians 3:1-2

Focusing on heaven has created an urgency within my soul to share Jesus with everyone I meet and to do good deeds to those around me. I’m praying for the many who are still lost. The more people we win to Christ, the sooner our Savior will return and take us home to a place that is more amazing than any vacation anyone has ever taken on this sinful earth. I’ve seen some majestic sceneries in my lifetime, but they cannot compare to all that awaits us.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart has imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him.”

1 Corinthians 2:9

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus
Or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in your presence
To my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Songwriter: Bart Millard

Book Review: At Love’s Command

I recently finished At Love’s Command by Karen Witemeyer. I’ve read many of her books. Her writing and storytelling ability are phenomenal. This book does not disappoint. It’s a Christian western romance. If you love this genre, you will not want to miss it. I listened to it on Audible, and the narrator did a fantastic job. 

Book Review:

Matthew Hanger, an ex-cavalry office, haunted by the things he experienced during the war, has joined other ex-army men to form the Hanger’s Horsemen. They are well known far and wide for their heroic exploits in defense of those who cannot defend themselves. When one of Matthew’s men is severely injured, he rushes his friend to the nearest doctor, Dr. Jo Burkett. Jo stands for Josephine, of which Matthew is unaware.

Dr. Burkett is used to men dismissing her ability when they realize she’s a female. So when Matthew responds in surprise, she judges him as just another typical male. However, she’s surprised when he rolls up his sleeves and is prepared to work alongside her and follow her instructions.

Although Matthew feels drawn to the doctor, he’s not the marrying kind. His lifestyle is not one that would fit a family man. He does his best to suppress any feelings that want to arise. When his friend sufficiently recovers, Matthew imagines he has seen the last of the lovely doctor. But trouble arrives at Josephine’s doorstep in the form of a letter. Her younger brother has been kidnapped and held for ransom, but her father refuses to help. She decides her only hope is to hire Hanger’s Horsemen to save her brother.

My Thoughts:

This action-packed story is filled with humor, intrigue, suspense, romance, and a powerful inspirational message about trusting God. I loved Matthew’s hero-worthy character. Josephine is a strong heroine, but she isn’t brash. She has vulnerabilities and appreciates the sacrifice these men make when they willingly risk their lives to help her save her brother. You may want to begin reading this book when you have time to read it through to the end. It’s a hard one to put down and thoroughly enjoyable.

Never Alone

I’m twenty weeks into this grief journey now. There are moments when I still feel as though this didn’t happen. Perhaps, I’m stuck inside of a nightmare. Maybe I’ll wake up and find Curt is with me. He never had cancer at all. But then reality sinks in, and I experience my loss all over again. How is it possible that this happened to us?

It’s not that I don’t know Curt is gone. I’m not in denial. I know what’s real and what isn’t. It’s just that sometimes when my phone dings to let me know I have a new text, for just a second, my heart leaps. Curt’s texting me to tell me where he is and when he’ll be home. In the next second, I remember that that’s impossible, which forces me to accept what I cannot change. I’ve acknowledged the loss, but my subconscious mind or habit of thought has not fully embraced it yet.

I think it will take time for the truth to settle more and more into the deepest recesses of my mind. Those moments of unreality are less frequent than at the beginning. But acceptance is followed closely by loneliness. The more I understand how permanent my loss is, the bleaker my future on earth seems. At moments like these, I need God to fill the void. Anything else that I might run to is only temporary. Eventually, I must deal with my loss. And if a person runs to the wrong thing, they will compound their loss with guilt or regret. Jesus is the only one we can run to when we need our burden lifted. And just running to Him once doesn’t fix it for all times. I find that many days I run to Him and fill my mind with His truths several times a day. This reminds me of the famous quote by Corrie Ten Boom: “You may never know that JESUS is all you need, until JESUS is all you have.”

In my Griefshare class, they instructed us to be honest about our needs with those closest to us. For example, let them know how to pray for us specifically. The first person that came to mind was my sister. I know she prays for me all the time. I asked her to please pray that I will have the constant assurance that I’m not alone. I knew she would do so.

Once I told her, I didn’t think about it anymore. I had done what I was supposed to do, so I let it go. That evening, I read a book about heaven and another helpful book about comfort, and then I got ready for bed. The next morning, I awoke with a song on my mind that I probably haven’t sung since I was a teenager. There was no reason the words should be playing in my thoughts, and yet they were.

Never Alone

When in affliction’s valley
I’m treading the road of care,
My Savior helps me to carry
My cross when heavy to bear,
Though all around me is darkness,
Earthly joys all flown;
My Savior whispers His promise,
“I never will leave thee alone.”

No, never alone,
No, never alone;
He promised never to leave me,
Never to leave me alone.

He died for me on the mountain,
For me they pierced His side,
For me He opened the fountain,
The crimson, cleansing tide;
For me He’s waiting in glory,
Seated upon His throne,
He promised never to leave me,
Never to leave me alone.

Oh, how thankful I am for God’s faithfulness to me. “The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.” Psalm 145:18 NASB. I cling to this promise, and so can you. Grief comes in many forms, not always the loss of a loved one. People grieve many disappointments in life. We live in a fallen and sinful world, and we aren’t immune to how this will affect us. No matter what you are facing, this promise is a reassurance to you of God’s faithful care. If you’ve placed your trust in Jesus, you are not alone.

Death Takes More Than A Person

When I wrote my first novel, I had several family members cheering me on, but no one as much as my husband. And I don’t think there was anyone prouder about my accomplishment. Almost immediately, Curt began asking me about my next story. He closely listened as I laid out the plot. His words of affirmation strengthened my fingers to fly over the keyboard on my laptop. When I received a book award in Florida in November 2019, I can still see Curt in the audience taking pictures and smiling broadly. Around May of last year, I read to him the first chapter of my third book. Again, he entered into the story and laughed at just the right places. I’m positive Curt never read a romance novel in his life, except my two books. Curt was a far more gifted person than I am, but he was fascinated by me.

Even before we were engaged to be married, I knew Curt loved picking on me or teasing with me. In the early years of our marriage, I disagreed with him about something in particular and told him that I thought we should do it another way. He glibly said that I was married now and didn’t need to “think” anymore. To which I replied, “When I married you, I gave up my name, not my brain.” He burst out laughing and then repeated the story to several of our family members and friends. Of the two of us, Curt had a much better sense of humor, but I delighted him. 

To show that when someone loses a loved one, they lose more than just a person, I shared these two precious memories. The loss is far more than just a person or a title. The loss is everything that person was to you. When the palliative care nurse turned to us and said, “He’s gone,” she wasn’t just telling me that my husband was no longer on this earth. A marriage partner isn’t the only thing I lost that morning. I lost exponentially more.

• husband
• father of my children
• grandfather of my grandchildren
• someone to cuddle with and keep me warm
• best friend
• confidante
• defender/protector
• prayer partner
• pastor
• Bible teacher
• someone to dream with
• provider
• travel companion and travel guide
• mower of our lawn
• snow removal person
• handyman
• comforter
• encourager
• driving partner
• date
• comedian (He was the best at making us all laugh and finding humor in things)
• walking encyclopedia (The man knew so much! He was better than Wikipedia!)
• theologian
• German-speaking partner (We often conversed in German.)
• etc. etc. etc.

No one has time to sit here and read all the things that I lost when Curt passed away four months ago. I’m sure I could continue adding to the list all day long and shed a thousand tears. The loss is mine, and I must bear it. Strangely, it’s part of my loving Father’s plan for me.

A dear friend sent me a book called The Ministry of Comfort by J.R. Miller. I want to share a small portion that especially blessed me this week:

“So it is only for a little while that God takes from us our loved ones. We shall have them back again, made into immortal beauty. The hopes we mourn as having perished, are yet in Christ’s hands. He will keep them safe for us and at length will give them back to us in radiant and imperishable loveliness. …One of the surprises of heaven, will be our finding there the precious hopes, joys, and dreams which seemed to have perished on earth—not left behind—but all carried forward and ready to be given into our hands the moment we get home.”

~ J.R. Miller

Oh, how beautiful heaven will be. No more heartache or tears. No more disease or death. No more goodbyes. Instead, a happy reunion awaits us. And best of all, we will finally look into the eyes of the One who loves us most of all. Come, Lord Jesus. Please come soon and carry us home.

“Oh, I want to see Him, look upon His face,
There to sing forever of His saving grace;
On the streets of glory let me lift my voice,
Cares all past, home at last, ever to rejoice.”

~ Rufus H. Cornelius, 1916

Walking Through Grief

I was told that I would be in shock for at least the first month of my grief journey. I didn’t understand what it meant until the end of November. The depth of pain and loss I entered into at that time is hard to put into words.

The emotions of grief are varied, actually all over the place. One moment I am gripped with a feeling of unreality, like this can’t really have happened. Certainly, Curt will come home soon from a trip. It’s just unfathomable that he isn’t coming home to me. I see his pictures and he’s as real to me as he was earlier this year before we even knew about the cancer. Then a sense of guilt overtakes me. This is somehow my fault. I should have seen the signs. He complained sometimes that his leg bothered him when we walked too fast during our exercise together. Why did we think it was just that his muscles needed strengthening or he needed to stretch before he walked? Why did we feel no urgency to get it looked at? But would it even have made a difference? Not even the big guns of chemo were able to fight off this rare bone cancer. Of course, God could have stopped it, but for some unknown reason, He didn’t. “A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.” Job 14:5 NIV

Grief causes one to feel anger. Thankfully, this is the least frequent emotion for me. But there was one moment in December. It didn’t last long. I can still see where I stood when I suddenly felt overcome with anger at God. I know there is nothing too difficult for Him. He could have healed Curt or caused his body to have purged itself from all cancer cells. As I stood staring into my refrigerator for something to eat that afternoon, I was overcome with anger and yelled, “Why did you let this happen? You could have healed him? Why didn’t you?” And that’s about how long my anger lasted. The truth gripped me and wouldn’t let go. I know God’s ways are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:9). I know he doesn’t always interfere in the natural course of life. I know that since God allowed Curt’s life on earth to end, I must trust Him that it is best for me. That’s about the hardest thing to accept. How can that possibly be true? I don’t know the answer to that question. But what I do know is God will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). And that quickly, my emotions changed again, and I entered into praise. It’s a sacrifice of praise. Nothing has changed. But in faith, I believe God will see me through this and even cause good to come from it.

In December, I walked into my living room where my Christmas tree was set up. This room had been Curt’s favorite during the Christmas season. It’s so cozy. We would each sit in one of the upholstered chairs and talk about our day or the kids or our plans or whatever came to mind. It was a sweet way to end the day in our cozy cocoon apart from the rest of the world. It was “our” time, and we treasured it. Now I stood alone in that room. His chair sat empty. I fell to my knees, overcome with longing and sorrow, and sobbed uncontrollably. Eventually, the tears subside, and my heart lifted with thanksgiving to God for the beautiful memories I have. I had found a treasure many will never find. I had found my true love, my soulmate, my closest friend, my spiritual leader, and so much more. I was blessed by God to spend thirty-three years of my life with such a man—my husband—who loved me completely, as Christ loves the church.

Now I must ask myself the question Job asked, “Shall we actually accept good from God but not accept adversity?” (Job 2:10) Has God changed because He allowed cancer to take Curt from me? No. He is absolutely the same loving Father He always was.

Although Curt is gone, God is still here with me. He allowed this for His glory. I can’t see His plan yet, but I know my God. As I submit to Him—even while my heart is heavy and I cry tears of sorrow—God will be glorified through my terrible loss. In faith, I choose to trust Him.

I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings
until the danger passes by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.
My heart is confident in you, O God;
my heart is confident.
No wonder I can sing your praises!
For your unfailing love is as high as the heavens.
Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.
Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens.
May your glory shine over all the earth.
(Psalm 57:1,2,7,10,11)

First Line Friday #113

The novel I’m sharing today is An Uncommon Woman by Laura Frantz. This is a Historical Christian Romance in the western Virginia mountains in 1770.

First Line:

Why could she not quit pondering that flounced petticoat?

My Thoughts:

Tessa would love nothing more than to leave behind this place where her father lost his life at the hands of Indians and where they were threatened to be attacked again at any moment. Her best childhood friend, Keturah, was taken captive by the Lenape tribe years ago when she was still a child, and they never saw her again. Tessa longs to live in a city where none of these threats exist. Of course, people in cities did have to battle disease, but that didn’t seem as terrible as the danger she and her family faced every day in the frontier. There wasn’t much sense dreaming such things, Tessa told herself, since she doubted she would fit in with the fancy women in civilization. Instead of ball gowns and dainty slippers, Tessa had learned to shoot a gun, swallow fear, and become tough in order to survive.

Clay Tygart is not your typical 18th-century man. Like Tessa’s friend, Keturah, Clay had been kidnapped by Indians when he was still a child. However, he became a redeemed Indian captive and returned to his relatives. Clay was a hero after the French and Indian war, and was now made commander of the fort bearing his name. He has no interest in marriage because his career isn’t conducive for family life. Besides, it seemed that everyone he loved ended up dead. Clay certainly can’t deny, at least to himself, the strong attraction he feels when he encounters the lovely Tessa. She was completely different from the ladies who had vied for his attention in the city. But he refuses to give into his feelings for her.

A very public kiss might change his mind. And how will he respond when members of the Lenape tribe who raised him, take Tessa captive? What price must he pay to get her back and into his arms?

This is an intriguing, somewhat mysterious, and action-packed romance that is hard to put down. I listened to it on Audible and thoroughly enjoyed not only the story but also the narration. I highly recommend this novel in any format.

To Purchase or Read Description, click HERE.

Your Turn:

Pick up a book near you. Type the first line in the comments below, along with the title of the book and the author.

First Line Friday #112

The Governess‘ Debut by Wendy May Andrews is a sweet and clean romance. This book has approximately 137 pages, so it’s short and great for when you don’t have a lot of time for reading.

First Line:

Lord Victor Ashley, the fifth Earl of Standish, was surprised by his undisciplined reaction when the young woman was announced.

Description:

For a description of the book, click HERE

My Thoughts:

I enjoy books that involve children, and especially when these children play an important role in the story, which is the case with The Governess’ Debut. Lord Astley is desperate to find a governess for his spoilt daughter. He’s lost several governesses who couldn’t tolerate the little girl. So when the lovely and too young Felicia Scott arrives for the position, he finds himself in a dilemma. His daughter needs a governess, but he was hoping for someone older and unattractive.

Felicia is a gently-bred young lady who is in dire straits after her brother gambles away the estate he inherited from his parents and her dowry. Now she has to find a way to make a living and jumps at the chance of become a governess. But will the Earl’s daughter make it difficult for her to keep her job?

Not only did I enjoy the hero and heroine, I was also delighted by some of the side characters. This story, though short, is well written and very satisfying.

Your Turn:

Pick up a book near you. Type the first line in the comments below, along with the title of the book and the author.

Book Review — Imagine Heaven

At the recent loss of my husband, a dear friend sent this book to me as a gift, Imagine Heaven, by John Burke. I can honestly say that it was one of the most helpful gifts I received. I’ll tell you why…

My Thoughts:

Never in my life was I ever interested in reading a book about near-death experiences. They seemed outlandish since I didn’t know the people personally. How could I know if these stories were even true? I had seen reports that claimed that everyone saw the light and everyone seemed to make it to heaven no matter what their religious beliefs were. After their research was completed, it was determined that hell did not exist and that, if there was life after death, we all end up in the same place. Can you blame me for my reluctance to want to read about NDE? Maybe you feel the same as I did.

Upon the loss of my husband, heaven became much more than a curiosity to me. I longed to understand and imagine what Curt might be experiencing now. So when this book arrived in the mail, and I saw that a very trusted friend and Assemblies of God credential holder had sent it, I decided to keep an open mind and give the author a chance to explain what he had discovered. Starting with the Foreword, I continued through the Introduction, devoured all the chapters, and by the end, I wished the book was longer. So I read Appendix A and B, which also contained helpful information.

Book Review:

I was astonished to discover how many people have had a near-death experience. Why would so many people lie about what they saw? John Burke shares over 100 stories of NDE. But he is clear in saying that none of these experiences are theology. Only the Bible is theology. All else must align itself with Scripture or it is suspect. Having read that, I felt comfortable continuing to read. After all, why would God allow so many people to live and tell about their NDE? Perhaps, we should look at these stories more closely. That’s what this author does in this book.

As I read the stories, it was amazing how many of them are the same as the one before it and the one after it. In case after case, people saw basically the same thing. They do describe it differently. After all, if ten of us saw Disneyland for the first time, I’m sure our descriptions would have many similarities and yet each of us will expound on a different part of what we saw depending on what impressed us most.

But the question that nagged at the back of my mind was, why does it seem that everyone makes it to heaven? I knew that wasn’t theologically correct and I wanted an answer. John Burke did not disappointment me. In each chapter, another one of my questions were answered. When I got to the chapter on hell, my eyes were opened to things I never realized. Since I was a little girl, I knew hell would be a place of torture. When people flippantly said they want to go to hell because that’s where all their friends would be, I knew they would be greatly disappointed. “Friends” are something good. Hell will consist of absolute evil and no “good” will be found. Which means people in hell will be lonely, in absolute darkness, and tortured. But I have to tell you that reading this chapter made me realize that I could never have imagined how torturous and evil hell would be. And keep in mind that the people who were shown parts of heaven, were only allowed so far and no closer. In the same way, I doubt the horrifying discoveries of those who experienced hell was even close to all that would still be in store for them if God, by his grace, had not sent them back and given them a second chance.

I will not say more. I actually told you very little about what this book contains because I want you to experience it the way that I did. As you’re reading a chapter, questions will come to mind you will want answers to. But allow the author to take you on the journey chapter by chapter to gain the full impact of knowledge that you will slowly gain as you read the experiences of those who got only a glimpse of what is in store for all of us one day; either heaven or hell. The decision is ours to make. But we will all have to answer the question Jesus will ask each one of us: “What have you done with the life I gave you?”

If you haven’t purchased this New York Times bestseller yet, here is the link. It also makes a great Christmas present.

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First Line Friday #111

If you’ve ever read a novel by Mary Connealy, you know that you are in for an adventure whenever you pick up one of her books. Her Secret Song from the Brides of Hope Mountain series is no exception. This is actually the last book in the series. I didn’t realize that when I bought it, but I still enjoyed it very much.

First Line:

Wax Mosby was living a life that was going to kill him.

Description:

For a description of Her Secret Song, click HERE.

Your Turn:

Pick up a book near you. Type the first line in the comments below, along with the title of the book and the author. If you’d like, check out the books other readers have featured on their blogs by clicking on the Hoarding Books link at the end of this post.

Coming Soon: Audiobook

My first audiobook, Reluctant to Wed, will be released hopefully in December. Unfortunately, Amazon is having a hard time keeping up with demand right now, so it might not be until early 2021. Regardless, I will let you know when it is available. It will only be sold on Audible. 

My talented narrator, Alex Lee, and I would greatly appreciate it if you would leave a review on Amazon/Audible after you’ve had a chance to listen to this audiobook. How well a book sells depends on how many positive reviews it receives. So if you would kindly take the time to leave a review, I would greatly appreciate it. 

Would you like to listen to a sample of the audiobook? Click HERE.