Chelsea DeVries's Blog, page 43

Day 15: Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?

Happiness is a form of courage... This blog has been something I've been looking forward to writing and posting. That's why I haven't really posted any lately (well that and I've been crazy busy with schoolwork).  I drafted this post on October 13, and my second draft was drawn up on November 18. I finalized it today and it's time people know how I really feel. I don't think the person I'm about to talk to will read this but if he does, I won't mind.

   I can't believe I ever answered your text last year. Yet, I didn't expect things to be how they were before. (You taking me for granted; me loving you so hard my gums started to bleed). I was excited because I had prayed for this moment for two months. The chance to just be friends with you and not at all ask for anything else (No chance of there being an us; just you and me separately connected). Upon answering your text, I gave you yet another chance and permission back into my life.

Then, God gave me four really good, genuinely great months of friendship with you. You didn't hurt me or make me cry. You solidly were showing appreciation for me as your friend for the first time in the four years we've gone back and forth between being friends. Literally every time I talked to you, I would smile at heaven or a tear would fall, and I would whisper, "Thank you Jesus," because this was all I'd ever really wanted from you.

Yet, as the New Year rang in, our friendship started ringing obnoxiously loud like a bell that had hollowed out. I rushed to try to piece things together between us like I always do in order to please you but once again, the jigsaw puzzle pieces didn't fit. We ran out of things to say to each over text, and I quit being your publicist because under appreciation from someone who wasn't even paying me, felt like small pieces of glass were being slowly inserted in my back in order to sit there and fester like a splinter gone unnoticed but later starts to pus. I stopped caring because I felt as though I had no other choice.

Then, it was as if all your  fans became the friends you wished I was, and I unfriended you on Facebook, and let you go, this followed with Twitter, etc because I was truly conflicted inside: why did God bring you back in my life if all you ended up doing was causing me more pain. God does not enjoy watching his children suffer so this fallout had to be something outside of God's will, right?

Two months went by without one word from you and I started on my journey in life feeling a little less lonely. I started loving myself the way you should have; the way you could have if you just would have seen what you were missing but I know now that you never will, and I learned to live with that.

What I can't live with are all the questions I've had for you to answer but been too afraid to ask you so I will close with those:

When did you stop loving me? Did you ever even love me or care for me at all?

Why do you think it's ok to come and go as you please in and out of my life?

Did I do something that annoyed you, pissed you off, did I write something you didn't like?

Why am I not enough for you? Why aren't you happy with me? Are you even happy with who you are when you are all alone?

Why do you always have to remind me that we didn't work as more than friends? Do you enjoy pouring salt in my wounds?

I'm not writing this because I'm looking for answers. I no longer want them because you've lied so many times to me about ridiculous things that I literally don't know how to trust you anymore.

They say once the trust is gone so is the friendship  relationship but did we ever really have one at all? You were never really my friend; you only used me to boost your own ego.

To me, all I can remember is giving everything I could to someone that gave me nothing but confusion because of the illusion that he cared while he told others that I never mattered to him, not to mention all the saltwater that poured from my eyes because I was too hung up on a WHY that doesn't need to be answered.

I will never be enough for you and that's ok. I've found that without your approval I'm enough for me.♥

I forgive you for all you've done but I can no longer allow you in my life.

Please forgive me if I don't text you back or answer when you call. I have nothing more to say directly to you; the rest will be in my novel.

For any girl out there struggling to let go, just know:
You are beautiful enough, worthy enough, and don't need anything to feel whole.
Now leave him in the past, and finally
Let Go.
Love Times Infinity,ChelseaxoxoGod Bless!~Just Keep Swimming~

New VLOG

Happiness is a form of courage... Hazel makes a cameo :)

Day 13: Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship

Happiness is a form of courage... I'm sorry I have to skip this blog because I have not technically texted anyone since last week. And I don't feel that I have a friendship that I want to gush about because as of late, to be totally honest, I have been feeling like I have no friends (IRL). This feeling is probably something I'm imagining but as I always do, I'm giving it to God.

Personally, I know that friendship is a gift from God so I know he won't leave me alone for too long.

And, I am forever grateful for my friend Jesus, and my loving dogs, the friendship I have with my parents, and even the friendship I have with my sisters. And I'm grateful to each one of you for reading my blogs and for supporting me always.


Love Times Infinity,ChelseaxoxoGod Bless!~Just Keep Swimming~

Day 12: Your proudest accomplishment

Happiness is a form of courage... I've accomplished a lot in my life thus far but my proudest accomplishment has to be that I survived four years of living on a college campus without a car.

It really wasn't easy, let me tell you. I really thought I was finally free when I moved on campus. 
Free to do what I want when I want (within reason, of course).
Free to be me without my mom and dad hovering over me.
Free to be myself without the judgement of my younger sisters.

Yet, instead of mom and dad hovering over me, I had financial aid and my professors and my advisors and my boss hovering over me.

Yet, instead of my sisters judging me constantly, I had roommate after roommate and fake friend after fake friend cause drama for me just because well, I march to a completely different beat.

Yet, instead of being able to do what I want when I want, I was stuck on campus and left to choose between hanging by myself or one group of people or joining a sorority. 

Not every day in my four years on campus was bad. I had some really good times and am grateful for them but I can honestly say I would never have gotten through it like I have if I didn't have Jesus. 

So thank you Jesus for being there no matter what, always. :)

Love Times Infinity,ChelseaxoxoGod Bless!~Just Keep Swimming~

I'm also pretty proud of the ad I put together today for my marketing project:

Day 11: Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date

Happiness is a form of courage...I was dreading this post a little bit. Mostly because technically I've never been on a date. So instead of talking about a date that went wrong, I think I will talk about some funny things I've done for love that yielded no results.

In high school, I wrote a character into my books named Pete Young that was fully based off of the guy I was crazy into during much of high school. And he really did choose to date a cheerleader over me. Then, that Halloween, I went as a cheerleader to prove that I too could look just as good in a uniform. I thought I had a picture somewhere but I couldn't find it in time for this post. Oh well.

My freshman year of college, I nearly tried to break up a guy and his girlfriend because I was convinced that he liked me. He really gave me that impression. It was my first experience with a guy who wanted to have his cake and eat it too. A year or so later, they broke up officially but personally, I learned the boundaries of other's relationships real quick from that experience.

My sophomore year of college, I wrote a guy a letter that listed 25 things I liked about him. 

My third year of college, I wrote a guy a book of letters from each day that summer that I missed him. I filled the entire book and poured my heart out into it so immensely that some of the pages of that book are stained with my tears. 

That's basically the last thing I've done for love because well, the last guy I had a serious crush on chose my friend over me in a way. It was really painful for me because like I always do I thought I could change him, and he really did see me for me. Unfortunately, I realized I was settling for less than God's best.

Because of all these lessons of love unrequited, I have come to realize what I want in a relationship and hope the next guy or the next guy after that complements me in a way each of the above examples never did. It wasn't that they lacked as people (Or maybe we both did). It just wasn't meant to be. And sometimes you just can't argue with God's best for your life.

Why I'm Glad No Boy Has Ever Loved Me. Read this article. It really expresses how I feel about my love life so far so beautifully.

Love Times Infinity,ChelseaxoxoGod Bless!~Just Keep Swimming~

New VLOG

Happiness is a form of courage...

If you would like to hear it straight from me and not the peanut gallery what has been going on with me, please watch my new VLOG.

Day 10: Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you

Happiness is a form of courage... I was all gung-ho to let you down. I bet you are wondering what I mean by that. I wasn't really feeling like blogging. Long story short, it's been an emotional past two days.

I was named after Chelsea Manhattan in New York. Just like New York City, a big city full of promise and really bright lights, I know for a fact that I'm destined for greatness. Therefore, I believe it fits me.

It's funny. I Googled myself just for fun and guess what, I found out my name was recently in the paper on September 3, 2014.

Just when I thought I wasn't relevant anymore as an author, people still remember how I paved a way for teens to get out there and write and publish a book. As you can see, this young girl wrote the book when she was in middle school and published it as a freshman in high school. That's awesome. It looks like she is having much more success with her books than I did with mine but that's awesome.

I just appreciate the head nod as the torch has been passed. I inspired someone and that to me feels like greatness.

Love Times Infinity,ChelseaxoxoGod Bless!~Just Keep Swimming~

Day 9: Your favorite "weird/funny single behavior"

Happiness is a form of courage...

Basically, I agree with what I wrote last year so much so that I don't have anything left to add. My only addition is that I like to sing Katrina's name as if she's the new Shakira. For example, instead of Shakira, Shakira, I say Katrina Katrina.

#ThisiswhyImsingle.

Love Times Infinity,ChelseaxoxoGod Bless!~Just Keep Swimming~

Day 8: Five things that are most important to you in a future mate

Happiness is a form of courage...

Without further ado, here is my five deal breakers when it comes to a man:

1. Faith in Jesus

Jesus is my everything. Without Jesus, I don't think I would even be alive. With Jesus, I become better every day. It's only fitting then that the guy I date (and later marry) have some faith in Jesus. I don't mean that he goes to church every Sunday and doesn't know the Bible. For me, the guy needs to know the Bible so well that it's the end all of how he sets the standards for every area of his life. Nothing society says or does makes any difference if it doesn't meet the standards set by God's Word.

2.Sense of humor

I like to laugh. I have yet to meet anyone who doesn't but I really think it's equally important that a guy can make me laugh even when I'm about to cry. My dad has this ability. He can turn anything that is serious and dire and make a joke about it. It's awesome because sometimes life can be really hard so you need someone like that in your life. In the same way, I try to laugh at my circumstances because as a person of faith, the joy of the Lord is my strength and no matter how bad things get, I can be happy despite my circumstances.
Not to mention, a guy that gets my sense of humor is also an automatic keeper because I think I'm funny. Stop laughing. That wasn't a joke.

3. Honest

I consider myself to be an honest person because I have a lot of personal integrity. I don't like to lie. I've seen what lies do to people and what they've done to me and I strongly dislike compulsive liars and fakes. Since that really excludes a lot of people nowadays, I will be overjoyed if the guy I date will always be one hundred percent honest with me (yes, even if he tells me those pants make me look fat). Just tell the truth. You'll be better off. 

4. Dog lover

I like all animals but I have a strong preference for dogs. They are just so cute, soft, cuddly, funny, smart, and each have different personalities just like humans. Plus, they love like God (After all, Dog is God backward). My three dogs are the best things to ever happen to me in this life so far and I'm so thankful for them. I love them so much. A Dog Teaching a baby how to bounce
and here's an extra video in case you too love dogs. Therefore, it's important that the guy I date love dogs as well.

5. Library Card Owner

A guy that reads is the guy I need to find. I've owned a library card since I was three years old and grew up in a house where I was trained to love books. Naturally, that is a love that never dies as any bibliophile will agree. Reading leads to a higher vocabulary, forces you to use your imagination to visualize the words, and leads to you learning a lot about life in general.

Interestingly enough, I had a similar response last year.

Love Times Infinity,ChelseaxoxoGod Bless!~Just Keep Swimming~

Day 7: Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

Happiness is a form of courage... This topic is perfect for today. Why? This is the biggest issue for me right now. Let me explain.

Personally, I thought I would be out of college by now but medical, emotional, and financial circumstances basically played an adverse role in that happening other than the fact that I changed my major from Accounting to Marketing. Speaking of marketing, today while doing my homework, I learned how to make a logo. Here is mine for my current marketing project:
 When I finally got it to work together correctly, I felt like I really accomplished something. Haha.

I basically thought I would be a pretty popular author by now. I mean at fifteen, I published my first novel with hopes that it would lead to instant stardom but because I took the quick route and didn't really think it through, it didn't happen. Why? My writing just wasn't strong enough for industry standards at that point. Does it mean I'm not meant to be a writer? Heck no. Writers just like any other profession get better with age and experience. I can fully say that my writing is way better now than it was then.

I thought I would be out on my own. I would have my own place, have my own car, be a full-fledge independent woman. Yet, right now, circumstances are extremely dire for me since I do not yet have a job. I still believe that the right job just hasn't discovered me yet and I will not give up the job search no matter what. Yes, it can be hard not to take it personally when I don't even get a call for an interview from places like Wal-mart and Wendys. Yet, it's good for me as a writer to face a little rejection on a daily basis, since I will face a lot of it in my future as a writer. It used to knock me down but now, it literally helps me write so much better. And as far as trying to get a job, it motivates me to come out of my comfort zone a little bit more.

I didn't know originally when I signed the paper that changed my major from accounting to marketing what I even wanted to do in the field since the field is so broad. Thankfully, now I know I want to work in the field of Public Relations and work with public figures and help them manage their image and how the media presents them. I also have a personal agenda to carry out as a publicist and that is to get a law passed so that celebrities face less bullying and harassment from the media until the media has no choice but to become more positive in everything they broadcast and publicize. As a victim of many acts of bullying throughout much of my life, I want to raise my voice for the good of others and those others happen to be those who seem to me have lost a lot of their voice. Celebrities, I believe, are just people like you and me and they don't deserve the treatment they get from the media. Societal norms are majorly shaped by the media so if I can get the media to change, I'm on my way to helping achieve world peace. I don't know about you but that makes me SO excited! I'm also fully prepared for the backlash I will get from trying to get this goal of mine met. 

Lastly, by now, I would have thought I would have had at least one boyfriend. Yet, no one worthy of my love has presented themselves yet so instead of letting that get me down, I get excited knowing how hard God is at work on my love story right now. Matter of fact, as a single person, I say this confession every day:

I'm not moved by the fact that I'm single and I haven't met anyone. I know God has already picked out the perfect person for me. God has already ordained someone to come across my path. I am fully persuaded this person is in my future.♥

Yes, I'm not where I want to be but thank God I'm not where I used to be. Can I get an Amen? Need more encouragement? Listen To This. :)

Love Times Infinity,ChelseaxoxoGod Bless!~Just Keep Swimming~