Sandra C. Lopez's Blog, page 379

Review: THE REFLECTIONS OF QUEEN SNOW WHITE by David Meredith

On the eve of her only daughter, Princess Raven's wedding, an aging Snow White finds it impossible to share in the joyous spirit of the occasion. The ceremony itself promises to be the most glamorous social event of the decade. Snow White’s castle has been meticulously scrubbed, polished and opulently decorated for the celebration. It is already nearly bursting with jubilant guests and merry well-wishers. Prince Edel, Raven's fiancé, is a fine man from a neighboring kingdom and Snow White's own domain is prosperous and at peace. Things could not be better, in fact, except for one thing:

The king is dead.



My thoughts: My fascination piqued as soon as Queen Snow White entered the scene. For her daughter, the princess, every wedding guest would bring a gift that was more exuberant than the last—and Snow White grew weary of it. This was definitely different than the Snow White most of us grew up with. Once the pristine maiden “as white as snow,” our queen spent her days growing older in desolate and forlorn despair. 
Aimlessly wandering in bitter hopelessness, Snow White was lost without her king. In a desire to escape, she fled into the dark corners of the castle, where she stumbled across her evil stepmother’s chamber, bringing forth distant and tortured memories. Then she saw it again—that old mirror that answered the constant question, “Who was the fairest of them all?” This then launched the tale into a whirlwind of memories.
Draped with a dark twist, this story illustrates the emotional scars of loss and repression. Fear, anger, and sadness consume our dear Snow White in her suspenseful journey as she confronts the harsh truth of the mirror: “The past is the past and your past is ever a part of you! Only by facing it can you truly leave it behind. Otherwise, it will ever intrude upon your present…” (32)
The reader embarks on a harrowing voyage through time, experiencing fleeting moments in Snow White’s broken past. Much of the story and dialogue was in this Old English, which was somewhat ambiguous and at times unpronounceable, but oddly fitting.
Well-written and enthralling! This story reveals the underside of the “happily ever after.”  

My rating: 4 stars 

Review: SOUL STEALER by Sam Richardson

In order to save the Universe, Barney and Eve must hunt and capture a magical band of thieves, before they steal the Souls of any more worlds. On their amazing adventure, Barney nearly soils his underpants on a wild ride on a giant eel, and Eve narrowly avoids death by giant flying scorpions. Both must endure a feast of eyeballs and other gelatinous delicacies, escape the clutches of an undead child, and still stay on the trail of the evil thieves.



My thoughts: Like Alice falling into the rabbit hole, Barney and Eve stumble into an alternate universe. The author created a world blended with the mystifying styles of Harry Potter and Willy Wonka.

On a mind-boggling quest to save the world, Barney and Even blunder through floating fortresses, giant spiders, and pooping sea horses. I enjoyed the jovial quips between the two siblings in their journey. Barney is just the feisty, annoying, little brother while Eve is the sensible and pragmatic type, which make for a fairly odd couple. 
The story started off a little slow before transcending into an infantile plot that confuses the reader with complex characters and far-fetched notions.
The writing was okay, but could use a little improvement.
Overall, this book had good intentions for a Middle-Grade fantasy tale, but it was one that I couldn’t quite get into.
 My rating: 2 stars  

Review: DOGS AREN’T MEN by Billi Tiner

Dr. Rebecca Miller is a veterinarian with the “heart as big as Texas.” She loves animals. In fact, she always got along better with animals than people. So who needed a man?
“But dogs aren’t men,” her mother emphasized.  In actuality, dogs might be better than men (I think.) Like Rebecca said, “dogs are a lot easier to please. [Dogs don’t] care that I’m plain and old.” (13)
Then came the good doctor, Derrick…literally, out of nowhere! Twice!
On first impression, Derrick was strikingly handsome, but he was also a selfish louse. It was sad that he didn’t recognize the lady he so rudely bumped into. Still, the man did have a soft spot for animals, which you just couldn’t help but love.
Although awkward at first, the attraction between Rebecca and Derrick was evident. I found myself loving Derrick more in those fleeting moments when he let his guard down and revealed a softer side. Unfortunately, like most of us, Rebecca felt that he was “too perfect” for her. Sure, compared to the blonde, big-breasted women he’s so used to, she was tater tots.
Perhaps, at first, there may have been a few too many characters to keep track of with all the customers that kept bringing their pets in; however, I enjoyed the exasperating mother hell bent on getting her daughter hooked up and hitched before the next full moon.
The story was well-crafted with a blend of drama, humor, and tender affection. It is a sweet, contemporary romance you can’t help but enjoy.  You’ll want to snuggle up with your pets when you read this.
A great book for animal lovers! 
My rating: 4 stars  

Review: PROMISE YOU WON’T TELL by John Locke

“I think something might have happened to me Saturday night. Something bad.”

Saturday afternoon Riley quietly placed a little strawberry sticker on her private area and pretended it was a tattoo. She didn’t tell anyone about it. That night she went to a slumber party that featured drinking and boys. Riley fell asleep, woke up the next day with no reason to think anything happened…

…Until Monday, at school, when a classmate called her Strawberry.

Coincidence or crime? Dani Ripper agrees to investigate. And the roller coaster ride begins.




My thoughts: Dani Ripper is a private investigator specializing mostly in catching marital cheaters and liars in the most unorthodox methods, like using soiled panties. Well, like she said, to be a P.I., “you must be…sensual, cute, adorable, cunning, clever, and so much more…[It] requires a computer, a car, and a reliable bladder.” (409)

Then Riley, a 17-year old girl, comes in, claiming she may have been molested at a slumber party. The case is on for Dani.  
The whole thing was mostly written is a back-and-forth conversational tone with Dani asking the questions and her receiving short, quick answers (this was an interrogation, after all.)
“Every predator I’ve ever met had a Jekyll and Hyde personality…I need the photos. They’re as critical as Monika Lewinsky’s dress. Without the dress, there was no affair.” (1517) Each new clue brings the perceptive Dani closer and closer to the truth. What the heck happened on that night? You just have to know!
Narrated in Dani’s sarcastic and brazen voice, this book is a quick mystery and good for a laugh. It was like reading her journal—she was basically talking to it (or the reader, actually.) Dani Ripper was the female Holden Caulfield; she had the same humorous, snappy quips as Lorelais Gilmore, but in a more crude and cynical way. She was good—a sure spit-fire!
At first, I thought we weren’t going to know what happened on that tape, after finally getting our hands on it. I thought, “What a rip!” But it turns out it was just Dani’s way of making a bad joke to the reader. So not funny. I liked that she didn’t go into graphic detail about what happened. I never would’ve anticipated the way it ended.
Wildly entertaining! I want to read more Dani Ripper mysteries/cases.

Up next in the series: Call Me (on my TBR list)   My rating: 4 stars

Review: BAH, HUMBUG! by Heather Horrocks

Kyle Miller is a best-selling author of children’s mysteries. For the first time in his career, he has writer’s block. Nothing is more important to him than his writing career, and he hates Christmas. He is the Grinch of Christmas Street (this is the actual name of the street he lives – dumb, huh?)
Then, one day, a snowman gives him an idea for his story. Incidentally, he ends up destroying it, not knowing that it belonged to his attractive, new neighbor. Lexi couldn’t believe that she lived next door to Kyle Miller, her kids’ favorite author. She also didn’t realize how rude he could be. Yes, he was also handsome, but she doesn’t need another man. She should stick with her mantra: “Safe, secure, and single.”
If Lexi was the new Martha Stewart, then you don’t want her anywhere near your house on holidays. She’d make everything into a decoration. I don’t know why Kyle let her talk him into it. And $500 for Christmas decorations!? Are you kidding me? And all for a woman? Could Kyle be any stupid?
And Lexi thinking she can “bring a family together at Christmas”? Phooey!
Overall, this was a nice, clean romance. It was like any Hallmark movie special…at Christmas. Bah, Humbug!
My rating: 2 stars  

Preview of THE INNKEEPER OF BETHLEHEM

I may not be religious, but that doesn't that I can't share a book with those who might find religious books interesting. Here's a new book this holiday season by Scott Roloff.


A Christmas book for children, families, and anyone who has ever wondered how Santa Claus came to be. This book will permit you and your family to enjoy Santa Claus and the other secular customs of Christmas within the Christian celebration of Jesus’s birth. For little children, Santa Claus becomes a real person delivering presents to them from Jesus. Each Christmas season, reading a chapter a night will become a holiday tradition for the entire family. 
The tale begins with Shai and Adi, the childless owners of an inn in Bethlehem. When Shai rents out their bedroom, they must sleep in the stable. During the night, Joseph and Mary arrive and Adi helps Mary through a difficult labor. They bond, and when an angel appears telling Joseph to flee to Egypt with Mary and Jesus, Shai and Adi go with them and become Jesus’s uncle and aunt. 
The book tells of Jesus growing up with his friends Mary Magdalene and John, his ministry, and his death and resurrection. These vignettes teach the lessons of life and the Bible through Jesus’s experiences. 
The book concludes with Shai and Adi following the Lord’s Star to the North Pole, where angels have built a palace. Jesus wants Shai and Adi to raise the baby angels there until they reach adulthood. The baby angels, or elves as the grown angels derogatively refer to them, are a mischievous lot. Shai becomes known as Santa Claus when a baby angel mispronounces “Shai, Uncle of Jesus,” claus being the angelic word for uncle. 
Jesus also wants to give a present to each boy and girl on his birthday, Christmas Day, a tradition he began during his life when he gave presents to his family. As part of their training, once a baby angel sprouts wings he or she is assigned to watch children and make toys for them. On Christmas Eve, Santa flies the sleigh to heaven to present the new adult angels to God, and then flies around the world delivering Jesus’s presents to the children of the world.

The book is a story within a story, told by a visiting uncle to a little girl and her nephew. Each night before bedtime beginning on December 6th, St. Nicholas’s Day, and continuing through Christmas Eve, the uncle tells part of the story. Instead of numbers, the chapters are titled by day. The book can be read as a normal book or a chapter each day, and it can be read to oneself or out loud to children. When read out loud, the chapter lengths vary between 10 and 15 minutes. Order on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00FITS078
  
 
About the Author:
Scott Roloff is the author of the Christmas book The Innkeeper of Bethlehem-The Story of Santa Claus, the novel Dreams at Dusk and Short Stories for the Hopeful and the Weary. He is a lawyer and a CPA, having received his accounting degree from the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater, his MBA from the University of Texas at Arlington, and his law degree from Southern Methodist University. Scott lives in Texas with his wife, Lynne, and his daughter, Kalie.   

Review: SEVEN BULLETS by Cloud Buchholz

Reader, beware, you choose the scare.   
One of my favorite series when growing up was the Goosebump series by R.L. Stine, particularly the ones the reader got to choose the adventures on. That’s why I was more than eager to read Seven Bulletsby Cloud Buchholz, another make-your-own-adventure story.
In this tale, I am a skilled assassin ready to retire until they kidnap my little sister. Will I make the right choices to get her back?
In the beginning, my first instinct to get that gun away from my face was to drop-kick that S.O.B. After all, I’m a skilled assassin. Why wouldn’t I know some kick-ass karate? Of course, that proved to be successful.
But, of course, I’ve always been the kind of person to utilize intelligence more than physical confrontation, so I played this first round behind the scenes rather than on the battlefield. Unfortunately, my little plan got me into some hot water—or maybe hot lava, I don’t know. One minute, I’m in this creepy cave, and the next, I’m in a kitchen with a creepy guy who jams a knife down his throat. What!?
The plot was dubiously complex. It wouldn’t make sense sometimes. Was this fantasy or adventure? Somehow I ended up in psycho Wonderland, where the path I trudged mysteriously disappeared. In fact, it would seem that every time you died, you ended up in Hell. And if I stayed alive, I’d be dodging an army of bullets, which was almost surreal.
One thing that was admirable was the main character’s (me) tenacious determination of not giving up, which is pretty much how I generally am.
The choices were also very brief—there wasn’t much story to dive into. However, some of them were challenging, causing you to reallythink about it. After all, you do want to come out of this alive, right? Also, the small paragraphs did have a douse of humorous quips sprinkled here and there, which made it a little more enjoyable.
Of course, what I liked best about this book were the endless adventures. You just never knew what kind of mess you were going to get yourself into; and it was a lot of fun trying to figure a way out of it. The good thing about a choose-your-own-adventure book is that you can go back and play again. I felt like a kid again! On the other hand, you can only re-read the book so many times before repeating the same choices and scenarios.
 
FYI: I won the first round!
 
My rating: 3.5 stars

Review: NEIGHBORLY COMPLICATIONS by Anne Conley

Claire just inherited a house, a “fixer-upper,” which is, of course, a euphemism for “shack crap.” Never one for having the best of luck with men, she runs into hot, Texas-cowboy neighbor, Max. Actually, he saves her after having fallen into a well. Instantly, there is a smoldering attraction between the two.
At first, however, the two get off to a bumpy start…..mostly because she was just an uppity broad that thinks women can do anything men can and don’t need any of their protection. Well, she certainly changes her mind about that when she couldn’t lift that jackhammer. Part of me wondered what the hell was wrong with her. Who wouldn’t want a big, strong, protective man who can fix up a house? And he was STILL there even when she was acting crazy and bitchy! Now HE was a keeper! I thought that Claire was too bossy with him, but he seemed to like it. She was also kind of trampy. Who answers the door without a bra? But I was glad that Max protested against THAT. No woman of his was going to be answering the door in her underwear. Still, he did put up with a lot of her bitchiness and he liked it, too. Obviously, something was wrong with him.
Set in the lovely country town of Serendipity (in Texas,) this story has a brazen writing style and a quirky sense of humor. This town also had some meddling neighbors, which just reinforces the rule that one should NEVER get TOO chummy.
Some parts were a tad too erotic for my taste. I mean, my god, Max felt her up in an open bar! I think I enjoyed the short preview of Dream On, but I think that might have the same level of eroticism.   My rating: 2 stars   

Guest Post & Chapter Preview - Mike Phillips

On this Halloween, I have a guest writer, who has written a new fantasy novel.
 
 
Mike Phillips grew up on a small farm in West Michigan, living much the way people did at the turn of the century. Whether it was growing fruits and vegetables or raising livestock, Mike learned the value of hard work and responsibility at a young age. With all that hard work at home, Mike was always eager to go to school. He excelled as a student and went on to pursue a career in the sciences. Working as a Safety Engineer in the Insurance Industry, Mike soon became bored with the corporate grind. Writing engaged him like nothing else. After a few novels and numerous short stories, he thought getting published would be a pretty neat idea. And so, here it goes...
 
 
Author Mike Phillips joins us today and talks about goblins.
 
 
***  Hello everyone, and thank you for reading my guest post. My name is Mike Phillips and my new book is The World Below. I have been asked to talk about some of the more interesting characters in the book.   Writing about goblins was a riot! Goblins live on the fringes of human society. They make their homes in junk yards, abandoned buildings, sewer systems, and anywhere else people try to avoid. Once they find a likely spot, the get to work. Goblins are clever with tools and machinery. They will use and repurpose anything they can get their hands on, so many of their dwellings look like they were designed by frat-boys. Not always the best of neighbors, goblins have to take security seriously. They construct elaborate pitfalls to keep themselves safe from enemies like collapsing tunnels, pongee pits, and mechanical traps.   Goblins, like their human counterparts, each have a unique personality. They live in what they call crews, a sort of family, a lot like college dorm-mates. Each goblin has a special skill. One might be a bully (a most desirable skill in the goblin world). Another might be crafty at making traps. Some use sorcery or poison. Others are good at machinery. Some just eat a lot (another desirable skill). Goblins, in general, have a loose sense of morality. If it doesn’t hurt another member of the crew, with the obvious exception of fighting, then it’s usually okay. Fighting is always acceptable behavior, though if an enemy is around, a goblin is expected to stop fighting the other crew member and start fighting the enemy. Common sense rules like that are the cornerstone of goblin society.   That brings us to the topic of goblin social structure. Goblin society is feudal. They organize in crews, bound by familial ties or friendship. These associations are loosely formed, and if a goblin wants to go it alone, no one holds a grudge. A crew may have two or three leaders at a time. It is not unusual for goblins to disagree, so sometimes they have no real leader at all. Though they fight with each other like crazy, but they are deeply loyal in times of trouble and would do anything for the other members of their crew. No female goblins appear in The World Below, but this mystery will be investigated in the Chronicles of the Goblin King: Book Three.                    Thank you so much for joining me. I hope you enjoy The World Below. Please visit me at mikephillipsfantasy.com.    About the Book: Chronicles of the Goblin King Book One.

In ancient times, magical creatures inhabited the Earth. They lived on mountaintops, in the branches of trees, at the bottom of lakes and rivers.

That was long ago, before the human race declared war on the creatures they feared and hated. Now, the enchanted peoples are all but gone. Those few who remain fear being stretched out on an examination table in some secret, governmental facility. The only place they can hide from the ever increasing number of satellites and smart phones is in the World Below.    
  Chapter One   Baron Finkbeiner sat upon his throne, eagerly awaiting the arrival of his guest. Unable to contain his irritation, he fidgeted ceaselessly, first drumming his fingers and then wringing his hands. Patience was not one of his virtues. He sent his guards to fetch Jason Hume hours ago and he was tired of the delay.
 Perhaps you got the better of them, he mused, unconcerned about the fate of his guards. Jason Hume was no ordinary man. It was said he had abilities strange and terrible. That was why the Baron needed him so badly. No, I would have heard something by now.
  At last the Baron lifted his great bulk from the throne and climbed down to the dirt floor. Perched on a dais made of fifty-five gallon drums, the throne was an odd looking contraption.
It was an old lawn chair, covered in scraps of aluminum foil, streamers, gold stars, and pinwheels. Ornamented plastic soda bottles hung from the armrests and spun in circles even though there was no wind. Party lights were strung along its frame, blinking like many-colored stars. All of this contrived to make it look less like the garbage it was in the dim light.
The rest of the chamber was not nearly so charming. The place was dank and poorly lit. The walls were paneled in roughly cut wood, boards four foot long nailed into squares--the type of pallet used in commercial shipping. Water seeped in through the walls and mud was everywhere.
When he reached the floor, a puddle was underfoot and Finkbeiner had to be careful not to slip. Despite the hazards, his impatience drove him to pace back and forth, stretching his muscles and fiddling with a length of cord about his waist. The act did little for his state of mind. As time continued ticking by, he became more and more agitated.
Hearing something, he stopped short. There were voices, indistinct, distant. Booted feet approached, stomping and shuffling upon the floor. As they drew nearer, the Baron could recognize the feral grunting of his guards.
They were short of breath, but whether through exertion or fear, Finkbeiner could not tell. He then realized it was a struggle for control. It was all a game. Their prisoner was resisting, not so much as to earn punishment, but enough to make their work difficult.
With a sly smile on his face, he slipped his feet from his low cut shoes and dug them into the mud. The great Earth was his home and gave up its secrets like a jilted lover. He wiggled his toes, his keen senses reading the small vibrations in the ground.
The smile swept across his features, impossibly wide. His guest had finally arrived.
Only then did Baron Finkbeiner remember the most important part of the meeting. Giggling as he went, he hurried over to a corner of the chamber where he found an old chest. It was a sturdy thing of wood and iron with a modern lock fitted into the hasp.
After a brief search of his pockets, he produced a small key and inserted it into the lock. It failed to turn. Uttering a few curses, the Baron tried to force the key to work. No matter how profane his commands became, the lock would not open.
Giving up, the Baron returned to his pockets. He wore a robe made of various scraps of fabric. It looked more like a patchwork quilt than the attire of nobility. Once the garment had been brightly colored, but now it was faded and tattered.
Pockets of all kinds were sewn within the patches of fabric --even the Baron did not know them all. As the footsteps in the corridor grew louder, his search became desperate, even frantic. He found coins, charms, parchments, safety pins, buttons, even a whole watermelon--he had no idea how that gotgot there--but no key.
"Oh!" he exclaimed, snapping his fingers. He remembered a cord hanging around his thick neck.
At the end of the cord was a brass key. It fit into the lock, and, with a turn and a click, opened the chest. Inside was a crystal ball the size of a fist. The ball was alive with energy, softly glowing white. With a satisfied grin, Baron Finkbeiner took the crystal ball out of the chest and thrust it into a pocket of his robe just as his guest entered the room.
 Standing in the doorway, one of the guards announced, "You are in the presence of his Excellency, Baron Finkbeiner, Dragon of Worms, Lord and Protector of the World Below."
  "No need to be so formal on this occasion," said the Baron. His thick hands fidgeted, touching the crystal ball time and time again. "Mister Hume, welcome, welcome. Do please come in."
Where Baron Finkbeiner was short and rather stout, Hume was his opposite. Lean and muscular, he towered over the guards. Even though he had a burlap sack over his head, he would not suffer anyone to guide him as he marched into the room.
"You may remove his blindfold," Finkbeiner ordered the guards.
The guards weren’t human. They stood on two legs and had two arms, but there all similarities ended. They had piggy faces and squint eyes. Their ears were large and floppy.
With a hand that looked more a cloven hoof, one of the guards did as he was told. When the bag came off, Hume scowled, his quick eyes darted from one side of the room to the other, taking everything in.
"What?" snapped Hume.
"No need to be so rude," the Baron replied, pleased with himself. He was unable to keep his hand from entering the pocket of his robe and fingering the crystal ball once more.
With a wave of his hand, he released the guards. They backed away.
"Following the ancient accords, I have invited you here in good faith to make a bargain."
"What is it?"
Pacing thoughtfully back and forth, the Baron said, "Something valuable has been stolen from me."
"You drag me all the way here because you can’t look after your toys?"
"Now, now, let me finish. This is no trifle I am speaking of. The Blade of Caro has been taken."
Hume burst into laughter. "What goes around comes around."
"It is rightfully mine," said Baron Finkbeiner indignantly. Perpetuating the lie he was so accustomed to telling, he went on, "I won it in a duel. The spoils of combat give me right to claim it as my own."
"So, Frick and Frock here let the only weapon that can kill their boss get stolen? I’d hate to see their bonuses at the end of the year." Hume crossed his arms. "What makes you think I’ll get it for you?"
"Because of this!" said the Baron, holding out the crystal ball with a flourish.
"So what? I can get one of those off the internet for twenty bucks."
"Look inside."
The Baron held out his hand. The crystal ball began to shine with the purest light--warm and sensuous as a spring morning. The light grew brighter andmore intense, filling the room. It was alive with power, enchanting in its simple beauty, and drawing every living thing toward it.
Lightning struck the ceiling and floor, then the walls on all sides. The pallets were blown to splinters. Thick mud oozed through the gaps like blood. A half-second later, the thunder clap was deafening.
The guards fell to the floor, holding their ears. Shards of wood protruded from their scaly skin, shedding dripping blood as black as tar.
When the smoke cleared, the Baron stood frozen with his hand clutching the crystal ball. He hadn’t been touched. Neither had Hume.
"What kind of a stunt was that?" said Hume dangerously. Electricity sparked at his fingertips.
"Sorry, sorry, my fault," the Baron sputtered. "I should have explained. All I meant was to have you take a look inside."
"You can’t trap me in that," Hume said slowly, as if to a halfwit. "Try it and the Blade of Caro will be the least of your problems."
"No, no, you are quite right. No tricks--you have my word."
"That’s worth a pile of dung."
Extending his hand, the Baron asked, "Please? Have a look?" He smiled his wicked smile, showing a mouthful of pointed teeth.
Glaring, uneasy, Hume did as he was asked.
Light from the crystal ball shone once more. This time Hume gave himself up to its magic, allowing the warm light to surround and envelope him. His skin tingled. He looked up and found the Baron travelling into the light with him.
"Here we are. Not much longer now," the Baron reassured him.
They floated in a blue sky. The air was fresh and smelled of flowers. Clouds as thick as cotton dotted the air around them. Below was a little homestead. The walls were made of logs and the roof of shake shingles. There was a wide garden with a cherry orchard and strawberry patch. A pasture held a jersey cow and a pair of goats. Chickens pecked in the yard.
"Nice place," Hume said noncommittally.
"I try to make my guests as comfortable as possible."
"Prisoners, you mean."
"Yes, quite so, but let’s not quibble over semantics."
"Your prisoners wouldn’t call it that."
They landed on the garden path and walked up to the front door. A knock on the door was met with silence. No one was home.
"This way, I think," said the Baron. "My prisoner, as you say, will not be able to see us or touch us. We are only observers, not really here at all if you take my meaning."
"Shared illusion. I know the drill."
"Good, then it goes without saying we cannot harm each other either."
Hume gave the Baron a sidelong glance. "I’m losing patience."
"Temper, temper," the Baron said wickedly, leading them down the garden path. "I rule here."
At the far side of the orchard, they found a trail to a little stream. The grass was thick and insects buzzed around their ears. A garter snake a foot long and thin as a pencil raced across the path.
When they came to a stream, they found a girl sitting on the rocks. Her back was turned to them and she held a pole in her hand. She had long, dark hair and a simple sundress with a floral print.
"Bastard," Hume said. "I’ll kill you, Blade of Caro or no."
"Now, now," Finkbeiner said wickedly. "Nothing has changed. We remain in my throne room and I still hold the crystal in my hand."
The sky went dark. Storm clouds grew thick above them. The chattering birds went silent. From the forest arose the voices of monsters. They growled and snorted. An odd collection of noises collected in what must have been a sentence. Whatever was said brought a roar of laughter and rush of activity. The unseen menace trudged through the undergrowth. Dead wood cracked under their feet. Boulders were kicked out of their away. A deer broke from the forest and ran across the stream. The monsters were close now, almost to the forest’s edge.
The girl turned. Her face was ugly with fear."By my whim your sister remains safe or is tortured beyond all human imagining. She lives or dies. It’s up to you."
"This is your bargain?"
The sky cleared. The sounds of the monsters faded into the distance. They were in the Baron’s chamber once again.
"Find the Blade for me."
"I could refuse."
Baron Finkbeiner considered the statement. "Come on Hume, I know what you are. Thief, murderer, you’re no better than me. You can do this to save your sister and earn a little coin along the way. Come now, I’ll owe you a big favor if you do this for me. You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about that."
"How about I take her from you right now and save myself the trouble?"
The Baron smiled a devilish smile, revealing in some part what lay hidden beneath his human façade. "Because I could break it to powder in my hand before you had half the chance."
Considering for a moment, Hume turned what he thought was an honorific to an insult and replied, "I’ll do it, you rotten worm."
Unaffected by the intended slight, the Baron said, "Let’s not make it personal. This is business; nothing more. I know that little wench took it, the Lady Elizabeth. She has some noble idea about subverting my authority, no doubt. Find her and get the Blade. Then you can have your sister back without a scratch on her pretty little head."
"Deal."
"Not so fast. First you must swear by the blood oath not to use to Blade against me or to attack me in any way until our business is done."
"The blood oath? With you? Forget it."
The Baron’s hand became a claw at the end of a long tentacle, wrapped tightly around the crystal ball. The implication was all too obvious.
"All right, have it your way, but any dirty tricks and I’ll bring it to you with tongs. That hide of yours may be thick but there are powers beyond the Blade of Caro. Remember what Zeus did to the titans."
"Yes, just so, I expect. Now come with me. All is prepared."

For a moment, Hume stood still. Violence loomed as he looked upon the crystal ball. He was fuming but able to keep his emotions under control. Giving Finkbeiner a final, appraising look, he came to a decision and relaxed.

The choice did not go unnoticed. The Baron met his gaze and returned an appreciative nod. His hand was once again in human form. There was no transformation, no morphing of one shape to the next. It just happened.
Returning the crystal ball to the safety of his robe, the Baron put a hand on Hume’s shoulder. The gesture was accepted and they began walking. They didn’t speak as they made their way from the throne room but the tension between them had eased.
The corridors were as broad as they were tall, making gentle curves rather than straight lines. Even the intersection of hallways weren’t square. It was like the entire place was carved from stone by some great serpent, rather than nailed together from scrap wood by the Baron’s slaves.

A short walk brought them to the Laboratory. The room bustled with activity. Live specimens were everywhere. Some of the creatures were bizarre beyond imaging, sprouting thick fur or feathers in spectacular shapes and colors. Others were the product of unlikely coupling. There was a cat with a snake’s head and tail. A small dog had the claws of a lobster.

In most cases, their cages were barely large enough to hold them, let alone allow movement. More of the pig-men tended the various animals, but they cowered in fear upon the Baron’s arrival.

"Please excuse the hubbub," said the Baron, tittering like a schoolgirl. "It’s the lesser harvest today."

"Nice," said Hume, pondering the implication.

"Oh, I do so much enjoy the smell of it. Don’t you?"

Disgusted by the odor, Hume said, "It stinks."

"That’s fear." The Baron’s eyes were alight, like he was strung out on some powerful narcotic. "They know what’s coming. The poor brutes aren’t as dumb as they look. Fear and blood, there’s nothing like it."

A cauldron sat in the center of the room. It was as large as a dumpster, made of hammered copper turned green with corrosion. The lip was covered with the blood and gore of untold heinous rituals. Fire burned underneath, flaming high as they approached. The copper glowed with the heat, shining with a reddish orange light like the sun.

Unaffected by the heat, the Baron walked toward the cauldron. Hume followed a few steps behind. Even though the slaves backed away, neither the Baron nor Hume broke a sweat. This was the Baron’s work. He kept Hume safe until the deal was finished.
Inside the cauldron, a rancid mixture resembling feces was bubbling. The smell was terrible. Hume tried to hold his breath but soon gave it up and covered his mouth with his sleeve.
Withdrawing a knife from his robe, Finkbeiner offered it to Hume. It was a kitchen knife with a wood handle. The blade was serrated, bent with use, and pitted with rust.

Frowning, Hume said, "I’ll use my own."

"Suit yourself."

Cutting their hands, they let their blood run into the boiling contents of the cauldron. Smoke fumed and billowed in clouds. The smell was rancid as Lucifer’s breath. It stung the eyes and burned the lungs. Hume could hardly breathe but would not allow himself to cough. They spoke their oaths to each other, the magic binding their minds and bodies to their words.

"Done!" Finkbeiner announced. "Good luck to you. I’ll provide aid however I may. Just ask and it will be done."

"Thanks," said Hume, narrowing his eyes. "No need to show me out."

went After Hume left, the Baron returned to the throne room, finding his guards still nursing their wounds. Taking a broken pair of pliers from a pocket, he pulled the worst of the splinters from their bodies. That done, he grumbled an incantation, healing them.

"Mutt, Tigg, I want you to keep an eye on our new friend. Make sure he keeps his part of the bargain."

"Yes, Master," grunted Mutt, the bigger of the two, in a rough voice. "You want we should stick a knife in him if he looks to be playin’ round?"

"No, not right away." He took a small bottle from the shelf, amongst other potions of dubious efficacy. "One drop of this into a pool of water and we can talk. We’ll give our wizard friend enough rope to hang himself, but who knows? He might just do the job I require of him."

Mutt grinned.

"Now, to make you both a little more presentable. Clothes make the man and so does the skin."

Returning to the shelf, the Baron sorted through a number of bottles and flasks until he found what he looked for. It was a small, earthenware jug, stopped with cork and dusty with years of neglect.

"This will do the trick, but take care. The effects wear off quickly. I don’t have much, so use small sips whenever you go out in public and only when you absolutely have to. Otherwise stay to the shadows."

Taking the jug, Mutt nodded acknowledgement.

"Now go; follow him. Find out where he lives and what he does in the world above. You must not fail."







Review: SLOPPY FIRSTS by Megan McCafferty

Summary: When her best friend, Hope Weaver, moves away from Pineville, New Jersey, hyper-observant sixteen-year-old Jessica Darling is devastated. A fish out of water at school and a stranger at home, Jessica feels more lost than ever now that the only person with whom she could really communicate has gone. How is she supposed to deal with the boy- and shopping-crazy girls at school, her dad’s obsession with her track meets, her mother salivating over big sister Bethany’s lavish wedding, and her nonexistent love life?


 

My thoughts: This book is a diary narrated by 16-year old Jessica Darling, the cynically witty and precocious teen. She often discusses trivial and shallow subjects pertaining to her school and family life. Like Seinfeld, it is the “book about nothing,” but it is still hilarious.
I must admit that I had a few eye rolls when she talked about the Clueless Crew. “These are suppose to be my friends. But more often than not, I can’t stand them.” (12) Then why hang out with them?
Jessica was definitely a character that I could relate to. She was so keenly observant that she was like the kid from The Wonder Years. “Am I the only creature with a vagina who thinks that weddings are ridiculous?” (32) She just tells it like it is. Love it!
“As soon as I got there, I remembered why I’d held off. I hate waiting rooms in doctors’ offices. First of all, they’re full of sick people, spreading their germs all over the place. I found this particularly annoying because I wasn’t sick. I was getting all the contamination without giving any. Secondly, the magazines suck. I guess they figure Highlights will appeal to both ends of the drooling spectrum: children and senile senior citizens. Everyone in between can just die of boredom, or of whatever disease you’re at the doctor’s office for, since they make you sit there so damn long.” (92) It’s like I could’ve almost written this.
One thing I didn’t like was her obsession over her best friend and the desire to get devirginized. Did she not have anything else going for her? Probably not, which was made her the self-deprecating and gloomy teen you just love.
I actually look forward to more Jessica Darling quips and adventures.
 On the TBR list: Second Helpings

My Rating: 4 stars