Michael Azerrad's Blog, page 3

"Riders on the Storm" TRANSLATED

    I speak of those who travel via tempest.  We are birthed in this dwelling, tossed into these circumstances: two analogies for us would be a) a hound who is bereft of a chunk of skeleton and b) an unescorted thespian.
    A murderer is at large.  His psychological state is deeply unstable.  Go an extended vacation and allow your children the opportunity for some recreation.  If you pick up this hitchhiker, Emily will perish.  Indeed, a murderer is at large.
    Young lady, it is imperative that you lavish affection on your male romantic partner.  Conjoin your palm with his and enlighten him: everything hinges on his behavior.  Existence will be eternal.  It is imperative that you lavish affection on your male romantic partner.

"Rocket Man" TRANSLATED

    Last night, she packed my suitcases in preparation for my trip to Mars.  Blast-off is at 9:00 this morning, at which time I will be thoroughly intoxicated.  I am feeling quite isolated in the near vacuum extending between the planets and stars and have no way to gauge the passage of time.
    I believe it will be quite a while before I return to Earth and grapple with the fact that the public has a grossly inflated sense of my personal qualities.  Oh, no, no, no.  I am an astronaut, spending the prime of his life alone in outer space.
    Mars is not a favorable location for child-rearing.  Indeed, it is quite chilly there.  And besides, there is no one else around to help with the parenting.  I don't actually grasp all the technology that makes my journey possible; I just follow instructions.  An astronaut.  An astronaut.
    And I believe it will be quite a while.  And I believe it will be quite a while.  And I believe it will be quite a while.  And I believe it will be quite a while.  And I believe it will be quite a while.  And I believe it will be quite a while.  And I believe it will be quite a while.  And I believe it will be quite a while.  And I believe it will be quite a while.  And I believe it will be quite a while.

"Stairway to Heaven" TRANSLATED

    I know of a profoundly materialistic woman who believes she can buy her way to a state of paradise.  And once she accomplishes this, she is well aware that she'll be able to obtain whatever she desires merely by requesting it, and in the most laconic terms ��� even if the shops aren't open.  And she believes she can buy her way to a state of paradise.
    She scrutinizes a nearby placard very closely because verbal information often harbors a great degree of semantic ambiguity.  Hey, there's a bird singing in the tree next to the stream.  Every now and then, we are struck with a profound sense of doubt, apprehension, or even foreboding.
    Ooh, it compels me to conjecture.  Ooh, it compels me to conjecture.
    I feel a particular sensation when I gaze in the direction of the setting sun: I experience acute wanderlust.  In addition, I have imagined circular formations of smoke in the midst of a forest, as well as the commentary of the people observing them.
    Ooh, this all compels me to conjecture.  Ooh, this all truly compels me to conjecture.
    Rumor has it that if we promptly seize control of our destiny, a flautist will shepherd us to rationality.  And the next era will begin for whoever waits around for it, at which time some unidentified persons will laugh in the woods.
    Oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa.
    Don't be disconcerted if there's a disturbance in the shrubbery that marks the border of your property ��� that just means winter is over.  It's true, there are a couple of routes you can choose but you will always have the opportunity to take a different one.
    And this all compels me to conjecture.  Ohh, woah.
    You are suffering from tinnitus so you may not realize that the aforementioned flautist requests your company.  Nonetheless, my gentle woman, are you able to perceive the sound of air currents?  Do you realize that your route to paradise is illusory?
    As we travel from one place to the next, our corporeal presences dwarfing our spiritual ones, a familiar woman is out for a stroll; she is brightly luminescent and continues to insist on her materialistic viewpoint.  Hark closely and you will eventually discern a melody (perhaps played by the aforementioned flautist).  At which time e pluribus unum, and vice versa, shall reign.  In the meantime, endeavor to be a stone which is incapable of being dislodged from its current position.
    And she believes she can buy her way to a state of paradise.

"Mississippi Queen" TRANSLATED

    The female monarch of the Mississippi River ��� perhaps you grasp what I'm intimating here.  The female monarch of the Mississippi River ��� she tutored me in every subject.
    In the vicinity of Vicksburg, Mississippi, which is just across the Louisiana state line, a woman of French-Canadian extraction inhabited a riverboat which had been christened in honor of the female monarch of the Mississippi River.
    This woman made her living as a dancer; she was more graceful after a glass or two of claret.  Other gentlemen were enjoying her performances, and so was I, although to a greater degree than they were; perhaps you grasp what I'm intimating here.
    This woman invited me to be her romantic partner and I replied that I would do my utmost to fulfill that duty.
    In order to maintain her appearance, I purchased a great deal of expensive clothing for her.  And so while other fellows were earning income, I was spending it.
    Hey, female monarch of the Mississippi River.

"Won't Get Fooled Again" TRANSLATED

    We shall clash in the roadway, with our sons and daughters looking on, and previously held standards of acceptable behavior and beliefs will be obsolete.  The gentlemen who incited us now adjudicate disputes and settle them violently.
    I will salute the set of principles upon which the new state is founded, accept credit for the overthrow of the previous regime, feel joy about the pervasive transformation, and seize my six-string and perform music as I once did.  And then I will genuflect in the fervent hope that we shan't be deceived once more.
    Transformation was imperative and we were well aware of that the entire time.  But all that really happened was that we were freed from the previous establishment.  Circumstances seem absolutely identical and things are just as they've always been because we're still upholding the same old values.
    If, perchance, my family survives this upheaval, I'll keep them and myself out of all this.  I'll have all my official forms ready for inspection and look up, beaming with the knowledge that the mesmerized are always truthful.  Are you aware of that fact?
    Yes!  The roadway is unchanged, as far as I can tell.  Incidentally, all the propaganda has been removed.  The progressive factions have now become conservative and everybody's facial hair is lengthier than it was yesterday.
    Yes!  Allow me to introduce you to the new supervisor, who is no different from the previous supervisor.

"You Shook Me All Night Long" TRANSLATED

    She was a high-velocity vehicle and maintained an immaculate engine.  I have not witnessed a finer lady.  She had profound visual impairment and always told me the truth.  I was greatly impressed by her thighs, which could only have been a product of the United States.  She was so selfish that it was suffocating.  She summoned me but I had already arrived.  The room began to vibrate on all sides ��� in fact, there was a temblor.  My consciousness experienced a dull pain and we were having sexual relations.
    And you convulsed me throughout the evening.  Yes, you convulsed me throughout the evening.
    She toils at twice the standard hourly rate at a facility dedicated to enticing people to engage in sexual relations.  She is unique and I maintain sole possession of her.  She did not desire an ovation, only the next portion of the meal.  She devoured me and called for seconds.  But in order to accommodate her wishes, I first had to regain my, shall we say, composure.  I have now reentered the metaphorical boxing match and am prepared to continue the bout.
    And you convulsed me throughout the evening.  Yes, you convulsed me throughout the evening.  I really was quite impressed that you convulsed me throughout the evening.  It left me quivering.  And you convulsed me throughout the evening.  Yes, you convulsed me.  You possessed me.
    I really can't stress enough that you possessed me and convulsed me throughout the evening.  You convulsed me throughout the evening.  Yes, yes, you convulsed me throughout the evening.  You truly captured me and you convulsed me throughout the evening.  Yes, you convulsed me.  Yes, you convulsed me.  Throughout the evening.

"Help Me, Rhonda" TRANSLATED

    Since my former lover dissolved our relationship, I have been getting very intoxicated.  I go out drinking and invariably return to my residence deep into the evening, then sleep in the following day.
    Rhonda, you are very attractive and I'm quite confident that you could quickly assist me with forgetting my former lover.
    Assist me, Rhonda; assist, assist me, Rhonda.  Assist me, Rhonda; assist, assist me, Rhonda.  Assist me, Rhonda; assist, assist me, Rhonda.  Assist me, Rhonda; assist, assist me, Rhonda.  Assist me, Rhonda; assist, assist me, Rhonda.  Assist me, Rhonda; assist, assist me, Rhonda.  Assist me, Rhonda, yes, with forgetting my former lover.
    We were engaged but she cheated on me, so that ruined everything.
    You prompted my attention, Rhonda, and I would be happy to enumerate the various qualities which prompted my attention.  You simply must assist me, Rhonda.  Assist me with forgetting my former lover.

"Imagine" TRANSLATED

    Here is a thought experiment: there is no hereafter.  That's a pretty simple concept.  So there would be no sweltering underground realm inhabited by the spirits of the damned, and nothing overhead but the earth's atmosphere.  If everyone rejected the idea of a hereafter, they would exist in the here and now, and behave accordingly.
    Here's another thought experiment: sovereign states don't exist.  That's not difficult to conceive of either.  That would obviate war and other forms of mass violence; so would the abolition of spiritual belief systems.  Consider how many human beings would live in harmony as a result.
    You could credibly accuse me of being an impractical idealist for proposing these things but a lot of other people think about this stuff too.  If only everyone would see things our way ��� then we'd have a state of global unity.
    OK, another thought experiment: no one owns any material objects.  See if you can get your head around that one.  Such a paradigm would preclude everything from avarice to starvation and, again, foster comity throughout humankind.  One more thing: visualize everyone on the planet partaking equally of its resources.

"Black Magic Woman" TRANSLATED

    I have a Satanist lady friend.  I have a Satanist lady friend.  I have a Satanist lady friend who has impaired my vision to such an extent that I am unable to discern that she is a Satanist.  She is attempting to turn me into an evil spirit.
    Do not ignore me, dear.  Do not ignore me, dear.  Indeed, do not ignore me, dear.  Cease your dabbling in your wiles.  Do not ignore me, dear ��� you risk taking possession of my enchanted twigs.
    You have bewitched me, dear.  You have bewitched me, dear.  Indeed, you have bewitched me, dear and are petrifying the hollow muscular organ that pumps blood through my circulatory system.  I yearn for your deeply, Satanist lady friend.  I'm incapable of abandoning you.

"Me and Bobby McGee" TRANSLATED

    I was in Baton Rouge, I was destitute and I was anticipating the arrival of a locomotive.  My morale was nearly as threadbare as my denims.  Then I found myself hitchhiking with a fellow named Robert.  Fortunately, a trucker picked us up not long before it began to pour.  We stayed for the entire hour-and-a-half-or-so ride southeast to New Orleans.  Along the way, I retrieved my harmonica from my filthy red handkerchief and played at low volume while Bobby vocalized on various blues songs; the windshield wipers functioned as a metronome.  Throughout, I held Robert's hand.  Remarkably, we were able to play every song that the truck driver requested.
    Self-autonomy is a euphemism for being completely bereft.  Materialism is meaningless.  I felt an effortless sense of wellbeing when Robert McGee sang twelve-bar songs with a I-IV-V chord sequence, and a sense of wellbeing was all I required, as it was for Robert.
    For the duration of our journey from a bituminous coal extraction facility in Kentucky to the Golden State, with its abundant solar radiation, I vouchsafed all my personal intimacies with Bobby.  Through the full gamut of meteorological conditions, as well as during our various activities, he protected me from hypothermia.  Unfortunately, I erred badly at one point and we parted ways in the vicinity of Salinas.  Robert seeks domestic tranquility and, while it is my most fervent wish that he attains it, I would nonetheless gladly exchange my entire future existence for even one day of closely embracing him.
    Self-autonomy is a euphemism for being completely bereft.  Which is just as well since Robert didn't leave me with anything whatsoever.  I felt an effortless sense of wellbeing when Robert McGee sang twelve-bar songs with a I-IV-V chord sequence, and a sense of wellbeing was all I required, as it was for Robert.
    La da da la da da da, la da da da da da da.
    La da da la la la la na Robert McGee yes.
    La da la da la da, la na na na da.
    La la la la la Robert McGee yes.
    La da da la la la la la la la la la, la na na la na na la na.
    Hey now, Robert, hey now, Robert McGee yes.
    Lo la lo la la lo la la.
    Lo la la lo la la lo la la lo la la lo la la.
    Hey, and a Robert, lo, no Robert McGee, yes.
    Oh heavenly father, I deemed him my sexual partner, I deemed him my beau.
    I say once again: I deemed him my sexual partner, I tried my utmost, come on.
    And a Robert no, and a Robert McGee yes.
    Lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo.
    Hey, hey, hey, Robert McGee, la.