W.S. Carmichael's Blog, page 3
July 18, 2017
Conversations With Dogs
July 2, 2017
Graduation Avoidance
June 5, 2017
EskieMama & Dragon Lady Reads Feature
May 28, 2017
Radioactive Catfish?
May 20, 2017
Why I’m Crazy
April 1, 2017
Superpowers
My son is one of those kids who likes to ask random questions. He makes inquiries such as, ‘Would you rather be eaten by sharks or fall into a volcano?’, or ‘If you could be any animal, real or mythical, which one would you be and why?’.
My personal favorite hypothetical query to ponder is, by far, ‘If you could have any superpower, which one would it be?’.
Alright, folks, pull up your crazy pants and tighten the chin strap on your tin foil helmet. You are about to embark on a tour through the inner workings of my mind. Of the many superpowers available to choose from, I’ve narrowed it down to the two I most desperately desire. I desire these superpowers so much, in fact, there is a small chance I would sell one or more of my children in order to acquire them.
I hunger for the ability to teleport myself anywhere in the world, with the person or object of my choosing. Full disclosure – I would use this power for ridiculously mundane and practical reasons. I live in upstate New York, in a truly rural area. There is one small Mom & Pop store, approximately a mile and a half from my house, which is open six days per week until five or six pm, depending on the day and the weather. Otherwise, getting to the nearest store requires driving down at least eight miles of twisty mountain road. Teleportation would come in handy. Forgot something at the grocery store? No problem, I’ll just pop right over and pick it up. Messy winter commute? No snow or ice can stop me. The pizza is cold by the time we get it home? Not anymore! Mom’s superpowers to the rescue. Everything – literally everything – is a twenty to thirty-minute drive from my humble abode. Teleportation would be a huge timesaver. When I have a break at work, I could blip home and throw in a load of laundry. My multitasking game would be at level expert. Pathetic, I know. The other superheroes would surely post “Kick Me” signs on my back.
But wait! I shall redeem myself with the unveiling of the second superpower I covet. Wait for it… I yearn to shoot lightning bolts from my hands. I spend much of my time out in the world. There are people out in the world and, frankly, sometimes I wish I could shoot some of those people with lightning bolts. Whoa there, calm down. Don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’m not a sociopath. I don’t want to shoot them with catastrophic, exploding bolts of raw electricity – ok, maybe just a few of them. Mostly, though, I would like to give them just enough of jolt to knock them on their asses, depending on the severity of my annoyance*, of course. The power level could be adjusted, set low to light a candle or a campfire, or maxed out in the event of a zombie apocalypse. My enemies would cower in fear with the simple raising of my hand. I could work in the demolition industry, leveling buildings. I could finally take my rightful place as Queen of The World! The possibilities are endless. Please ignore the sound of my maniacal laugh and the sinister rubbing of my hands.
I’ve said enough. I’d hate for the word premeditation to start getting thrown around. I do hope you’ve enjoyed your stroll through the cavernous halls of my slightly demented mind, and if anyone knows how or where I might acquire these superpowers, drop me a line. I promise you will hold a lucrative position in my Queendom.
*Or my hunger level. See Hangry blog for more info.
March 13, 2017
All About Romance
Check out my guest blog on All About Romance.
I talk about the joy and fear of writing my favorite genre.
March 3, 2017
Hangry – The Stealer of Peace
Tonight, I would like to talk about a condition near and dear to my heart. A condition several of my friends suffer from. A condition I suffer from. That condition is – Hangry. For those of you who don’t know about Hangry, just wait. I’ll explain.
What is Hangry? Hangry is the overwhelming irritability and rage one feels during a time of famine. And by time of famine, I mean the few hours between meals. As a nurse, I assure you irritability is a side effect of hypoglycemia, so my condition has scientific merit. It is not a made up excuse for me to act like a raging hosebeast when I’m hungry.
Hangry has several levels. If you don’t know the symptoms, it is easy to miss the early warning signs. It is imperative, I repeat, imperative to recognize the condition early to prevent a DEFCON 1 situation. As a matter of fact, I shall use the DEFCON system to explain the five stages.
DEFCON 1 – The lowest state of readiness.
Here you will find the subject engaging in normal activities in a normal fashion. There will be laughter and probably no mention of food. You are safe. This is a happy place.
DEFCON 2 – Increased intelligence watch and increased security measures.
Nothing scary or terrible going on here. Maybe an innocent comment like, “Hmm. I’m getting a little hungry.” Or, in my case, “I ran this morning and didn’t eat much. How much longer until lunch?” At this point, even the subject may not realize what is happening. Tread lightly, but no need to head for the bomb shelter just yet.
DEFCON 3 – Increase in force readiness above that required for normal readiness.
Now is the time to start worrying. Did the subject snap at you for no reason? Maybe seems a little grumpier than usual? Perhaps they have suddenly begun cursing like a sailor because someone had the nerve to greet them in a casual and courteous manner? Now is not the time to panic, people! Remain calm. Politely, and in a non-accusatory manner, offer a snack. Nothing dumb like a salad or a cracker. Offer something delicious. Remember, you have the power to prevent nuclear fallout at this point. Don’t blow it.
DEFCON 4 – Next step to nuclear war.
Things are getting scary now. This is the point when the subject is losing control. Trust me, inside the head of a hangry person is not a fun place. The subject will answer all questions in an unreasonably aggressive and angry tone, but they are trying really hard to be nice. They know what is happening and are trying to maintain the pretense of civility. Below is an actual exchange during a stage four incident. *Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.
Husband: Where do you want to eat?
Wife: (Inside her head): Are you f*ing kidding me? Now? Now you care about feeding me? Ok, get it together. It’s an innocent question. Here’s what we’re going to say, ‘I don’t care, honey. But, I do need to eat soon.’ Ok, ready? Let’s say it nicely.
(What comes out of my, I mean her, mouth): I don’t f*ing care! I need to eat right now. Why is everyone so god damn stupid today? Son of a bitch!
At this point, crisis may still be averted. Feed the subject immediately. Absolutely, under no circumstances, should you take away the promise of food. The subject is maintaining control by a thin, dry rotted thread. If you have told the subject they will be fed at four o’clock, feed them at four o’clock. Not four-o-one. I don’t care if you have to swing through a drive through on your way to dinner. Do it!
DEFCON 5 – Nuclear war is imminent
There’s no turning back now. Lay down your weapon and surrender peacefully. Do not try to reason with the subject. Do not try to negotiate a peace treaty. Do not get angry. Anything from this point on is beyond their control. They didn’t mean to call you those nasty names or to insinuate your mother is anything other than the lovely person we know she is. Your only hope at this point is to hide.
Recovery Phase – (Not part of the DEFCON system. I made this part up.)
The subject has been fed and is now their normal, happy self. Your main responsibility is to pretend nothing happened. Don’t hold a grudge. Graciously accept any apology you are given and learn from your mistakes. Begin preparing for next time by stockpiling snacks like you’re on an episode of Doomsday Preppers.
Now that you are well versed on the condition of Hangry, you can help spread the word of this most unfortunate affliction. Learn the warning signs and tell your friends before it’s too late. Remember, Hangry hurts everyone. There are no winners here.
March 1, 2017
EskieMama & Dragon Lady Reads Spotlight
Thank you, EskieMama & Dragon Lady Reads for featuring At Long Last today! Check out the interview and excerpt below. And while you’re there, check out the other great authors and books they’ve spotlighted. Very cool, people. Very cool.
February 18, 2017
Love Indie Romance Interview
Good morning, everyone!
Today is exciting because I was featured on Love Indie Romance. It’s a really cool site dedicated to everything romance. My interview published today and on March 10, an excerpt from At Long Last will be featured (Warning – It’s pretty hot, explicit content and language). Don’t judge – you know that’s your favorite part.
Princess Ann, Mistress Jane and Queen Amanda work hard to promote fellow Indie Authors, so check out the other authors and books spotlighted while you’re there.
