Frank F. Weber's Blog, page 23

Easter in Rome

As close as I’ll ever be to Pope Francis. A picture I took of a modern day hero. “A little bit of mercy makes the world less cold, and more just.” Pope Francis Preston and I went to Rome for Easter week last year.  This was a major decision as ISIS (Islamic State of Iraq and Syria) set off bombs at the Brussels airport earlier in the week and had announced the Pope and Rome were additional potential targets.  We decided to go to Rome anyway.  I have a hard time letting militant Muslims determine where I can celebrate Easter.  Italy responded wisely and had soldiers protecting worshipers around all of the churches.  We went to confession on Good Friday in Rome at St. Mary's Basilica Major (the largest church in the world honoring St. Mary).  It was surrounded by the Italian military carrying assault rifles.  We went through a metal detector to get into confession and to get into all 4 of the papal Basilicas.  Preston and I went to the stations of the cross on Good Friday night at the Colosseum with Pope Francis.  Everyone was searched, 3 times, at 3 different stations, before entering the area.  (Over 10,000 people.) We had a good view and the Pope delivered a great message about our need to help each other.   The Colosseum remains the largest amphitheater ever built. To put the size of the Colosseum in perspective consider the size of the people standing in front of it. Preston and I attended Easter mass in Rome, and had an amazing occurrence.  Before mass, Preston went to the sacristy to ask the Priest if they had an English missalette.  After they spoke for a bit, the Priest asked Preston if he would perform a reading for mass.  Keep in mind, this is Rome and there were 8 priests at this mass.  So Preston lectured Easter mass in Rome!  Unbelievable...  
 
We then went to the Easter blessing with Pope Francis.  Upwards of 100,000 people packed into Vatican City and everyone was kind.  No arguing heard anywhere.   We had a pretty good view.  Pope Francis made it even better.  He ditched his security and the bullet proof glass and made his way through the crowd.  He passed by in front of us so I took a few pictures. Being in Rome brings to life Christianity.  We prayed in front of St. Paul's tomb at the Basilica of St. Paul (outside the walls) as it is called since it is outside the Vatican. Basillica of St. Paul (again consider its’ size compared to people in the background). St. Paul’s Tomb The Vatican was built on the site where St. Peter was buried and he is entombed there.  We crawled on our knees up the steps Jesus walked to face Pontius Pilate at La Scala Sancta.  There is glass over the spots of blood. Preston asked, “What would Jesus say about that?” when we saw the armed guards in front of the building. The Vatican is impressive as it combines Christianity with science.  They have archaeological findings more than 2000 years before the birth of Jesus.  There, findings are carbon dated and researched because they don't want “stories,” they want truth.  As an advocate of science and Christianity I absolutely love this.  Christianity is all very real in Rome.  Besides all the scientific data supporting the New Testament (which you can also find in C S Lewis's writings) consider that the apostles were tortured to death in efforts to get them to deny what they reported.  Simon (St. Peter) and Andrew were crucified.  James was executed by Herod.  Thomas was lanced in Persia.  Matthew died a martyr in Ethiopia.  James Alpheus was stoned and then had his skull bashed with a club.  Jude was martyred in Syria/Persia, and Judas committed suicide.  The source of death for the remaining 4 apostles is unconfirmed.  St. Paul (who reported Jesus came to him in a vision a few years after Jesus was crucified) was beheaded.  None recanted.    And people think it’s tough being a Christian now.  I did get a photo of Michelangelo's work on the Sistine chapel, even though I wasn't supposed to.  Oops.  (This is how I rationalize it.  They don’t want pictures because camera flashes can age a painting.  I made my way to the middle of the crowd, discreetly held my camera pointed straight up in front of my chest, and with the flash off took the picture.) Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam is one of the most replicated paintings of all time. This is a close up of the ceiling behind Preston. The sheer size of the forum, the Colosseum, circus Maximus, and the pantheon are overwhelming.  You feel the power of the Roman Empire.  The forum is simply too large and too vast to get a decent picture of.  It is 4 football fields long and 1½ football fields wide of all large crumbling marble buildings.  The Trevi fountain is very cool so we went back there every day.  Every other block you see a building with 50 foot pillars and 30 foot marble statues. These statues surround the open area in Vatican City where the Pope speaks.  Notice the people in the 2nd picture seated by the statues, to get a true understanding of their size. The Trevi fountain is 86 feet high and 161 feet wide. The Pantheon, built in 118 A.D. is still the world’s largest unreinforced concrete dome (almost 2000 years later) and is 142 feet high in the center. Circus Maximus is where they ran the chariot races. (2037 feet by 387 feet and meant to hold 150,000 people.) It is just as long in the direction away from Preston. Preston is standing by a church door. The street entertainers were great! Loved the gelato. Our hotel was across from the Teatro dell’ Opera di Roma (the opera house in Rome). Mitch Hedberg was one of my favorite comedians.  Mitch was a long haired hippie dude who saw the world from a different perspective.  Lets enjoy Easter with some Mitch Hedberg quotes:I saw a disabled lady on T.V. And that was sad, but then they said, “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’” That to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only is she disabled, she doesn’t understand simple contractions.  Somebody should explain to her it’s like “can not.”I saw a commercial on late night TV.  It said, ”Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And what a load that was off my mind. But then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were talking about.I wrote a script.  The editor said it was good but I should rewrite it.  I figured that’s too much work, so I just copied it and gave it back to him.I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause."
 
 
Happy Easter to everyone!
 
Thanks for listening,
 
Frank

Parables, Dance, and Whack a Mole

"While investigating a case near Pierz, Jon quietly reopens the murder book on Mandy Baker...  Digging up the past raises intriguing possibilities for Jon with an old girlfriend, Serena - but also forces them to work through old betrayals." Murder Book ​ pre-orders will begin shipping out this week! I’m going to share some parables I use in therapy.

3 frogs are on a log gazing into a beautiful pond.  2 decide to jump in.  How many are still on the log? 

The answer is 3.  Deciding to do something isn’t the same as actually doing it.    Data from physicians indicates that when a doctor confronts a client about a life-threatening behavior that could render them dead in the near future if unchanged, 1% commit to change.   (For instance—A man with kidney damage is asked to stop drinking alcohol.)  I find it easier to create change by helping people curiously explore what a change in their life would be like, rather than asking them to make a commitment.  A commitment can feel like a penance.

The Jack Story

People sometimes fail to see how the manner in which they approach a situation creates their failure.  A man is driving at night through rural Minnesota and has a flat tire.  He steps out to change it, only to find the jack handle is missing.  He has no cell phone reception so he decides to walk to the nearest farmhouse.  Frustrated, he thinks about all of the bad breaks he’s had.  As he’s getting closer to the farmhouse, he thinks about rumors that have been going around about him and his family.  He wonders if the farmer will even help him because he believes people are only interested in things that are of personal benefit.   If this farmer has heard the rumors, he’ll be quick to judge, and that angers him.  When he finally gets to the farm, the farmer steps out and asks him what he needs.  Irritated, he tells the farmer, “You can keep your damn jack, and walks away.”  Later he complains that “people just don’t help others anymore.”

Resilience 

There are many stories of resilience demonstrated by some of the wonderful people I counsel.  One of my favorite comes from a woman who is one of the kindest people I’ve met.  She was abused as a child, then as a teen moved into a relationship with an abusive man, and once she finally had the courage to leave him was diagnosed with cancer.  I was giving her credit for her generally positive approach toward life, and she responded, “Bad things happen to people all over the world, why would I be an exception?  My life is good.  It took me a bit, but I’ve found the right friends and that’s all that matters now.”  As I tell people, “We’ve already won the lottery just by being born in the United States.”

Nothing is better than some things

People always say, “Something is better than nothing.”  I remind people that “Nothing is better than some things.”  It’s better to accomplish nothing in a day, than to spend your time accessing unhealthy material or using substances that are going to damage your body. 

Mark the Positive

A woman with Alzheimer’s advised me, “Make an extra effort to enjoy and remember the good times, because the bad times you remember automatically.” 

Quotes for the week:

"People who dance are considered crazy by those who can't hear." George Carlin

I had $5 in my savings account at the bank so I thought I’d close the account.  I found out that I’d been fined $15 for not having enough money in the account, so now I was worth negative $10.  Consider the logic behind this.  I borrowed them $5 for years.  In order to be done with it, they’re telling me, “You’re going to have pay us $10 first.”  And then there’s the whole piece of being worth negative $10.  I can’t even by something that costs nothing.  In order for me to by something, they have to give me $10 to buy it.  I’m envious of people who have nothing, because they’re still worth $10 more than me.”  Louis C.K. 
​
My family plays a game called, “Joy-- Whack a Mole.”  As soon as something good happens to one of us the rest of us jump in beat the joy out of it as quickly as possible.  The other day I bought a new shirt and I asked my dad how much he thought it cost. 

He guessed, “$50.” 

I proudly told him, “I got it for $10.” 

He then stated, “They can sell things so cheap because of slave labor in underdeveloped countries.”
My sister came in and was telling me she met a new guy, so I said, “This isn’t one of those creepy guys you came across on-line is it?’

At which point my mom entered the room and said to me, “Don’t you have a show tonight?”
​
I told her I was excited about it, and she said, “Did your sister tell you she’s volunteering for Help my Starving Children.  But I guess, being a comedian is sort of important to.”  Mara Bamford



​Thanks for listening,

​Frank Leah Fuhrman, Kaitlyn Kampa (in back), Kalyn Gritzmacher, and Ellie Fischer. There are so many ways to express emotion. Leah Fuhrman, Brittney Boser, Malea Boser Jade Porter Cassie Smieja. As close to flying as people get. Emily Solinger and Tony Smude Andrea Schaefer and Stephen Fyten Stephen Fyten, Jeron Gross and Grace Osborne Jordan Funk and Kaci Broschofsky Jordan Funk, Grace Osborne, Tony Smude and Stephen Fyten Jeron Gross, Andrea Schaefer, Grace Osborne, Emily Solinger and Brad Dehler  Thank you to all of the above for some great entertainment! Preston Kaycee Olivia and Preston in California Nicolette and Kaycee Branden and Kaycee I love the raw emotions at 2 and 3 with my granddaughter saying "You have a pretty shirt" at times and "I'm not going to sleep ever" at others. Kaycee and Brenda Kaycee, just down the hill from our home in Pierz

Basketball From This End of the Telescope

Pre-orders of Murder Book will be shipping out next week! People who work with me will enjoy the above family pictures, as they know I don’t waste time.   All of the old family pictures that included me show me leaving the scene, often just including my backend as I crawled away.  Grandma Barb Kapsner sewed all of our pajamas. Why did I pick the Gophers in the NCAA March madness tournament?  Because I love to support the people closest to me.  Another basketball season ended in Pierz featuring some outstanding seniors like Becca Athman, Kaci Broschosky, Taryn Becker, Tori Fleischaker, Matt Tautges, Chris Marshik, Lukas Otte, Thomas Funk and Fred Linehan.   Matt would be a star on any team, and I remember years of Chris’s dominate play as a post player when he was younger.  Lucas’ work ethic was fun to watch.  I’m not as familiar with the girls program, but as a college professor I know Becca, Kaci, Taryn and Tori are all incredibly smart and decent people. Becca Athman Chris Marshik Matt Tautges Lukas Otte Taryn Becker Kaci Broschosky Tori Fleischaker Thomas Funk Basketball is like chess being played a hundred miles an hour.  If you think you have too many friends, try coaching or reffing and that problem will quickly be resolved.  When people ask me at a basketball game if I would have done something different, I tell them I’ve never watched a game, at any level, where I wouldn’t have done something different.  However, while I’m contemplating that one decision, that coach has had to make 100 decisions, and I’m not sure I would have got the other 99 right.  I want to take moment and thank Andy Marshik for his kindness and contributions to the program --from when we coached together to the present. 

There are a lot of things I would do different as a coach, but you do the best you can with what you know at the time, and it’s all you can do.  Looking back, the 2006 Pierz team ranked 2nd in state had talent that exceeded my ability to coach at the time.  At one point, I checked into seeing if we could field more than one varsity team, as in 2006 we had enough talent in the program where we could have won our conference with two different teams.  The trick with basketball is that you end up committing to playing 7 or 8 players as you need them to work together like a fine watch if you’re going to be successful.  I’ve always expected a lot from people.  To quote Jakob Dylan:  “I just want someone who can walk on a wire with a trembling glass in their hand.”  The song is titled, “From This End of the Telescope.”  I was disappointed in myself at times, as losses were reflective of my inability to effectively teach concepts, but I’m not disappointed in anyone who performed.   And as obnoxious as I was, people had fun.  In 2006, I coached with great coaches and Kurt Stumpf, Danny Saehr and I took our team to Chicago and beat some of their best teams-- lots of good times and great teams-- despite losing major talent to football injuries every year (Matt Poepping, Brian Virnig, Scott Herald, Mark Kahl and Chad Lanners.)  Injuries are devastating to players and parents, and cripple small town programs.   It’s amazing our wrestling team took 2nd in state after losing the talent of Lane Girtz, and the girls’ team had its success with Rebecca Athman coming off a major knee injury.  As a parent I went through injuries with both boys.  Obviously none of this was as hard as Shane having survived cancer, chemotherapy and radiation.

Preston was moved up to varsity in basketball at the end of his freshman year, only to break his ankle in the last JV game of the season, so he missed varsity practices and playoffs.  He started varsity as a sophomore but his nose was broken in a varsity basketball game.  I remember impatiently waiting with him in the emergency room at the St. Cloud Hospital for 2 hours as he sat in his basketball uniform bleeding.  (As Charles Dickens said, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”)  His junior year, he had the orbital bone in his eye socket broken at the end of a basketball game when he sprinted for a pass and collided with an opponent coming the other direction.  When Preston returned to playing, he initially had to wear a mask, until one game he finally flung it over our bench and that was the end of it.  (The problem with the Plexiglas mask is it held all the heat in and restricted his vision, which is particularly problematic for a point guard.)

I always enjoyed coaching, and the class of 2012 was the pinnacle of that joy with a great group of players and parents.  We celebrated 4 grade state championships together, and we could count on any of the parents and players to fully support the success of anyone on the team.  I’ve always believed that players need to be strong to be great at basketball.  In 2012, Caleb Janson and Preston held all the weightlifting records for the two weight classes in school; a status typically dominated by our wrestling program.  Caleb surpassed a rebounding record held by Shane Poepping for years.  We took pictures of the boys with ties on every year and celebrated every season.  All great people who still make me smile!  Thank you! I have to brag a little as our kids are the best evidence that we didn’t mess everything up.  My son Shane hit 32 consecutive free throws in varsity games (winning 5 games with last minute free throws in that stretch).  Shane is also tied for the school record for most 3 point baskets in a game (8).  Shane missed 1 shot that game.  (By the way, he is tied with Scott Kimman.)  Basketball pundit Kurt Stumpf said the conference coaches commented, “Shane’s one player who should have shot more.”  My son Preston has the school record for most 3 point baskets in a season, and could easily slam a basketball, which at 5’11” is impressive.  Preston is also the second leading single season scorer in Pierz boys basketball history.  Dustin Monson has that record.  Dustin works with me in our Brainerd office at CORE.  Most of the pictures I’ve seen of Dustin recently involve him holding a 30 pound fish.  During those years, Dan Saehr emerged as an amazing coach who always gets the best out of his players.  Pierz’ new coach, Joe Kahl, also came out of that era and with the talents of Andy Leidenfrost and Matt Poepping around him offers new hope for the basketball program.

A couple of my favorite quotes from kids over the years in basketball:

During a grade school game I asked a boy who he was guarding and he told me, “No one.  They’re all guarded.”

A player once gave me a notebook of plays to consider, but then added, “The only problem with them, is that they all involve 6 players.”

A great person, but not a great basketball player, once complained to a coach (I was assisting) about not getting in the game.  The coach explained it was a close game, “But I’ll try to play you twice as much next game.”  The player astutely responded, “But twice as much of zero is still zero.”  I chimed in, “Then make it three times as much.”

Back to the beginning:  As I read this to Brenda she laughed at the irony of me always risking embarrassment for a great picture, when I never cooperated for pictures myself.  My family was playing Oregon Trail this last Christmas and we had a rule that if someone was killed off we had to come up with their last words.  When I was killed off, Shane said my last words were, “Let me take a picture with that snake real quick.”

​Quote for the week:
“Do you believe in true love?”
“So much so that I’ve stopped looking homeless people in the eye.”  Nikki Glaser

Thanks for listening,
​
Frank
An example of Preston’s vertical leap. Here he is intercepting a pass in a playoff game against Holdingford. Shane guarded by Isaiah Dahmen (2006 Mr. Basketball award winner). Pierz played Braham 3 times in the 2006 season, with each game sold out 90 minutes before game time, even with extra seating brought in. It was always when Shane played his best! Preston hitting a 3 point shot in and overtime playoff win over Melrose. Preston going up for 2 of 34 second half points against Braham. Eventually it all comes to an end for players and parents, creating the beginning of something even better. After my last game as a coach.

St. Patrick’s, Leprechauns, and Ireland

Murder Book is coming soon!
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
 
Last year at this time I was in Ireland, visiting Preston during his break at student teaching.  In Ireland, schools are off from St. Patrick’s Day to Easter.  St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland is similar to Thanksgiving in the U.S.  Families get together for a big meal and some cities have parades, but the people out getting drunk on St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland are primarily tourists. 
St. Patrick's Church A 4 mile pilgrimage is made up a mountain to pay homage to Jesus Christ at this cross at the beginning of lent. Do you recognize the Harry Potter library?
​In a country that is 90+% Catholic, they take Holy Week seriously--all adult servers and amazing choirs.  90% of the schools are “Catholic public,” which means free, and the sacraments are available through school, but not required.  The Irish are frustrated over Muslims coming to Ireland and requesting religious symbols be taken down in churches and hospitals.  They feel, justly in my opinion, that you come to a Catholic country, tolerate it.  When we go to Muslim countries we don't expect any of the Middle East countries to change for us.  
 
2016 was the 100th year anniversary of the beginning of 'the rising' in Ireland.  They celebrate the year the movement for freedom from England's rule began.  This is an intense celebration, as keep in mind their grandparents fought this war.  The British had taken control of the best land, leaving most people in Ireland on land they could only grow potatoes on.  When 2 million Irish people starved to death (1 out of every 4 people) due to the potato famine, large amounts of barley and wheat were exported out of Ireland by the British. England had seized estates (over 100 acres in size) in Ireland and had them run by English lords.  Even though the Irish were starving, they wouldn't let the Irish hunt on those lands.  Cork is referred to as the "rebel city" in Ireland due to the strong anti-Britain sentiment.  It is a place where the Irish go on vacation.  In Cork they view the potato famine as an attempt at genocide against the Irish by the British. 
​Michael Collins is considered a hero in Ireland as he led the attack on England.  With the intention of minimizing the deaths during this conflict, he set up assassinations on British aristocrats in Ireland.  England responded by killing Irish families, and warning they would stop the attacks when Ireland did also.  The attacks on families by the British served to solidify the Irish anger toward Britain.  The British soldiers searched all over for Michael Collins but he roamed about freely as they didn't have a picture of him and the Irish citizens loved messing with the British by giving them a variety of contradictory physical descriptions of Michael.   Britain eventually responded by marching soldiers into a soccer match between Ireland and Whales, and had the soldiers open fire on Irish fans.  Ultimately a deal was struck where most of Ireland was set free while Northern Ireland remained part of England.  Michael Collins supported the agreement as he felt it was time to stop the killing.  Eamon de Velara, the president of the new free Ireland wanted all of Ireland to be free.  After Michael Collins was killed trying to protect the agreement, Eamon de Velara stated in frustration that when it all plays out, he might find himself on the wrong side of history.   The agreement has finally settled into acceptance.  There is a very strong sense of fair play in Ireland, which I love.  When Ireland achieved independence, they didn't take the land back from the British Lords.  The Lords simply had to accept that they were now Irish.  They wanted to end subjugation from the British, as we did here in the U.S 150 years earlier. 
 
We visited the Guinness brewery, which opened up my taste buds to a different taste in Guinness (best described as a barley, coffee and cream combination, but velvety smooth).  Guinness should be poured into a glass as it’s designed to continue to finish brewing minutes after it’s poured (see picture).  In Ireland they don’t hand you your glass until it has rested five minutes. 
Guinness glasses Guinness Brewery After our events of the day we'd stop at a pub and enjoy a pint of ale.  We went to Oliver Plunkett's and had a pint of Murphy's ale.  Heineken has a brewery in Cork that brews Murphy's, which is very close to Guinness.  The band was great and played Santana with a fiddle performing the guitar parts.  In some of the pubs, anyone can bring their instrument and people sit around and play music.  In Cork, I sang a John Prine song with a band in a pub.  They started the song and I yelled "John Prine." They invited me to sing it with them , and I figured hell, I'll never see any of these people again, so I did.  It was a blast!  I'm probably the least qualified of all in our family to sing, but perhaps the least bothered by it. 
​We avoided the Jameson tour, which involves tastes of 10 different whiskeys and a free cab ride home.  We did stop at the Red Fox Inn in a coastal area called the Ring of Kerry where they make trays of “Irish coffee” for people passing through.  Irish Coffee involves coffee, fresh thick cream, and a shot of either Irish Baileys Cream or Jameson Whiskey.  We also enjoyed the traditional Irish breakfast--4 meats, eggs and toast.
 
It's wonderful to walk around Dublin.   No weapons, even knives are not allowed.  The police only carry mace.  Ken and Karine Connolly were gracious hosts.  We were given a private tour of Killruddery in Bray and spoke to the current Lord, in his 30's, who was teaching his daughter to ride a bicycle in the driveway.  It’s a beautiful marble mansion, with an addition larger than our house that has a glass domed roof for sunlight.  The horticultural and pastoral staff work outside the 12 foot walls surrounding the estate.  They grow their own crops in a greenhouse that's about 50 yards long and have pigs, sheep, cows and chickens that are butchered on site. 
We kissed the Blarney Stone at Blarney Castle, which involves being held by your feet and hanging over the side of the castle.  (It is supposed to give you the gift of eloquence for 7 years.)  The story is a prince saved a woman from drowning in a river and when he pulled her to shore she asked what she could do for him.  He struggled with stuttering.  She told him if he kissed this particular rock he would get his wish (carefully deflecting having to kiss him I might add).  Within 2 hours his soldiers noticed that he no longer stuttered.  So he had his soldiers place the rock in the wall of Blarney castle. The prisons under the castles are creepy and not for the claustrophobic.
​We went to Cobh where the Titanic and Lusitania launched before their demise.  Cobh has the second deepest port in the world and the second largest manmade port.  The largest and deepest port is Sydney, Australia.  The price of a 1st class ticket on the Titanic is the equivalent of $69,000 today.  John Astor, who was the richest person in the world at the time, died on the Titanic.  John was on a honeymoon with his 19 year old wife (2nd wife) at the time.  The titanic took 3000 men 3 years to build in Belfast, Ireland.  The Lusitania was a cruise ship sunk by a German U-boat in World War I.  Germany had violated international laws by sinking a non-military ship; however Britain had also violated the laws by carrying munitions on this passenger ship.  This attack provided Britain with the propaganda needed to get America involved in the war.  (128 Americans died on the ship.)  The Lusitania was the biggest ship in the world when it first launched.
While they love to show off their “pudding,” which we call sausage, it was not all that impressive to me as I’m from Pierz and we have Thielen Meats, so we eat the best sausage in the world.  The fish was great (fresh every day) in their fish and chips, but the chips were like thick soft French fries.  American fries are better. 
Preston and I took a tour where they dropped us off an hour or two in an area, pick us up and then took us to the next city along the coast.  The bus driver, a large cantankerous red headed man, had to read a list of names from various countries and when he mispronounced a name, he'd simply say, "That's how your name is pronounced in Ireland."  When we stopped to observe the cliffs, he said, "'If you fall off the side, yell your name so I know to mark you off the list."  One person asked if he ever played soccer, to which he responded, "My body is built for comfort, not for speed."

Much of the grazing land in the country of Ireland is "commonage" which means any farmer approved by farmers in the area can graze sheep on the land.  We saw the Skellig islands, which is where Star Wars was filmed.  The local fishermen were paid $1000 a day not to fish during filming.   The Star Wars crew is returning in the fall for another sequel. Star Wars was filmed on the islands behind Preston.
They have county teams for Gaelic football and hurling (similar to lacrosse), like Minnesota has amateur baseball teams.  I think the Irish teams feature the players, while American sports feature the coach.  In Ireland they play for 40 minutes and take a halftime break.  No stops.  Imagine basketball played with 2 halves and no time outs.  The players would have to know how to adjust on their own. 
 
I loved the endless cache of stories from Irish folk.  An older man in a pub told us, “I’ve got a funny story for you.  An Irishman named Dan Murphy, and Englishman and an American all wanted the last sip of ale so they decided it would go to the man who could toss a stone the highest.  The Englishman threw a stone 20 feet high.  The American threw the stone 50 feet high, and then when Dan Murphy threw the stone it never came down.”  He stopped and said, “Okay, maybe it’s not that funny.  Here’s another one.  There was a woman on a plane who couldn’t find her cat.  They searched the whole damn plane for that cat and couldn’t find it.  Then they looked out the window and you know what they saw?”
A female waitress interrupted, “Not her cat?” 
He said, “Hell no.  How would a cat get out of a plane?  They saw Dan Murphy’s stone.”
  
And that is Ireland.  Ireland is beautiful and I will return!   
Thanks for listening,
 
Frank

Narcissism and Mass Murderers vs. Laid Back Dudes

My sister Dorothy before gun control.  This was before I was born so I have no recollection of how it all played out.
Is it narcissism when you are the best?  Yes, if your behavior involves disrespecting the rights of everyone around you.  Narcissism is dangerous.  Most mass shooters who aren’t psychotic are narcissistic.  They feel the world owes them for the slights they have experienced.  Narcissists are difficult to change, as they believe they know more than anyone who provides them advice.
 
One of my favorite quotes from a narcissist is, “I know you think I’m narcissistic, but I’ve never been in a room before where I wasn’t the smartest and best looking person.”
 
The most deadly school attack in the United States occurred way back in 1927.  Andrew Kehoe had just lost an election for city clerk and was experiencing financial stress.  Andrew killed his wife, and then started his farm on fire.  He even wired the horses’ legs together so they couldn’t be rescued.  He then wired dynamite at the Bath Consolidated School in Bath, Michigan, starting an explosion that killed 37 children and 6 adults, and wounded 58 others.  An additional 500 pounds of unexploded dynamite was discovered in the aftermath, indicating he had intended on killing everyone.   He put a sign on his farm stating, “Criminals aren’t born, they’re made.”  Think about the crazy self-centeredness in a person who thinks people should die because he lost an election.
 
Andrew Kehoe’s narcissistic personality is typical of the mass murderer.  This “pseudocommando” has a personalized agenda of payback and grandiose thoughts about what he deserves.  (I use the term “he” because 9 times out of 10 the killer is male, not just in the U.S., but globally also.)  He believes that everyone needs to suffer for the pain he is experiencing.  The Columbine shooters, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, like Kehoe, blamed “society.”  Harris wrote a manifesto declaring, “You caused me to do this,” and Klebold blamed attractive women for not sleeping with him--he did prove to be quite a catch.  Mass murderers typically arrive in “warrior” gear and attack in daylight, as they want to be seen and recognized.  There is a lot of planning involved, typically a large cache of weapons, and a personalized message for the media.
 
Jared Lee Loughner was suspended from Pima Community College for making violent threats toward others.  Campus security told his parents to take away his guns, which they did.  They were also disabling his car because they were afraid he was going to kill someone.  His parents encouraged him to pursue counseling, but never followed up on it.  Jared went into a gun shop and legally bought a 9mm Glock pistol.  On January 8, 2011, he went to a corner event at a market in Tucson, Arizona, and killed 6 people and wounded 12, including Representative Gabrielle Gifford.   It is interesting to note that if anyone would have pursued a “no contact order,” he wouldn’t have been able to purchase that gun.  Loughner was upset over being suspended from college and over losing his volunteer work for Pima County Animal Control (after he took puppies into an area that was under quarantine due to illness).  Prior to the shooting, Jared would drive his motorcycle up and down main street shouting “I’m coming to get you,” with a red bandana tied around his bald head.    After the shooting he was initially diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and found incompetent to stand trial.  In 2013, he was re-evaluated and found competent to stand trial.  He pled guilty and was sentenced to 140 years in federal prison.
 
Who is most likely to be violent?  The greatest predictor is people with a history of violence.  The second is people who abuse substances.  (Abusing substances increases the risk of violence 7X.)  Mental illness is an increased risk, but not to the degree of violent history and substance abuse.  (If you abuse substances and are mentally ill your risk of violence is increased 10X.)
 
Who is unlikely to be violent?  Self-cutters, ironically, are less likely to be violent.  They take their frustration out on their bodies instead of appropriately addressing it with the source.  “Fine” is the cutter F-word.  Ask them how they’re doing and the answer is “fine,” instead of being honest over their misery.  Cutters often are high achievers who aren’t particularly invested in their success.  They feel success is being pushed on them and they are reluctantly complying.    Anorexia is one of the most common co-existing disorders with cutting.
 
The Floyd Mayweather Jr.  vs. Manny Pacquiao boxing match in 2015 was billed as “the fight of the century” and grossed over $400 million.  A reporter criticized Mayweather for his narcissism.  My thought was, “If you want him to stop being narcissistic, maybe you need to stop referring to him as The Undisputed Champion of the World and stop paying him $10 million per fight.
 
The world isn’t going to hell, and that is a dishonest message for anyone in school.  The homicide rate in the U.S. peaked in 1980.  When Donald Trump stated the rates are the highest in 47 years, he must have been referring to cities like Chicago, where they are higher.  However, nationally the homicide rates are far lower than they were in the 1980’s.  Sexual Assault was at its highest rate in the U.S. in 1994 and has decreased since.  The abortion rate in the U.S. today is at the lowest since 1973, when Rowe vs. Wade passed.  It peaked in 1984.  And even though the abortion rate is lower, the teen pregnancy rate is also at its lowest in the history of the U.S.  Drug use peaked in 1980.  There has been a recent increase, but not to the levels of the 1980’s.  The deadliest disease in world history, smallpox, has been eradicated with vaccines.  We are living longer than any population in history because of vaccinations and access to healthy food. While you’ve often heard that women receive 72 cents for every dollar a man makes, when you take into account years of experience at the job the actual number is 92 cents.  Women and men in their 20’s make the same.  U.S students today outperform any of their predecessors on cognitive tests.  Remember that group who calls themselves “the greatest generation.”  They often didn’t start reading until 3rd grade.  Today they’d be learning disabled.  The reality is that for people in college today, the U.S. has never been better.  I want to tell people, “So calm down, enjoy some music, and let’s keep making it better.”
 
In our lives we run into people who are remarkable in so many ways.  I enjoy people who are remarkable in odd ways.  We never went on vacation when I was a child, but we would load up 10 kids in our 3 bench seat station wagon and head to North St. Paul to visit cousins on the Kapsner side.  There was some intensity with the older siblings, but they became progressively more relaxed dudes as the siblings got younger.  The youngest is a super guy and a hard worker, but he just never questioned anything.  A few years ago, I was attending a wedding at a hotel in Minneapolis and initiated a conversation with him.  I told him that this was a nice hotel and he proceeded to tell me, “It is.  I was fired from here once.”   I asked for what reason, and with a puzzled look he responded, “I honestly don’t know.”  He proceeded to tell me, “I was called in by the boss one day, and he told me, ‘You’re fired!’  I just said, ‘Okay,’ and went out and found another job.  The boss called me a week later and begged for me to come back, explaining he had fired the wrong guy.  My boss assumed he had the right guy because I didn’t ask for an explanation.  But I already had another job so I didn’t go back.”  And everyone who knows him laughs when they hear this story because this is just his personality.
 
 
Quotes for the week:
 
Slosson Intelligence Test question:  What’s the difference between contraction and expansion?
Response:   Girls have contractions and boys have expansion.
 
I asked an individual struggling with a loss, “What do you think happens to people when they die?”
He shrugged and said, “Well, he finally quit smoking.”
I responded, “Unless he was cremated.”
He busted out laughing, “I can’t believe you said that.”
“He never asked you to stop laughing…”
 
 
When in doubt, find the people who restore your faith.
Thanks for listening,
 
Frank [image error] [image error] [image error]

Wrestling, the Garage Band and more Johnny Cash

Wrestlers----Thank you for an AMAZING season!
​I love competitive sports.  Sometimes you feel like dropping someone…
Sometimes you feel despair…
And sometimes you feel exhilaration!!!
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And in the end, after much reflection, and perhaps a couple graduation parties, it’s all good.

Thank you Mark Jensen for becoming a legend in our community with your class, expertise and ability to work through injuries, students struggling with grades, sick kids, questionable calls and a community of wrestling experts that are both challenging and entertaining.  The wrestling families are a gem of people who are admired in the community for making the program strong.  And thank you to the Jensens as with every great coach is a kind family who supports greatness.
The Garage Band and more Johnny Cash…
 
I was walking with a friend and suddenly he stopped and said, “Hey, I hear music.”  I told him, “There’s nothing special about you.  We all do.”  Mitch Hedberg
 
My father, Leo, bought a 1953 Martin guitar in Nevada, which he played throughout his life.  I had his guitar repaired for him once at a Martin specialty store in Minneapolis and was told that I can’t take this guitar out of the country because the designs between the frets are made out of ivory.  My mother, Rosetta, bought a ukulele when my parents lived in Nevada.  Ukulele translates into “jumping flea” in Hawaii, which is similar to my thoughts about its contributions to the music world, but mom enjoyed playing it.  (Okay, Jake Shimabukuro is pretty awesome.)   I should point out that she bought a ukulele because they couldn’t afford another guitar.  There was a piano in my parents’ home when they moved in, and a convent at the end of the block.  Kindly, Sister Sarah offered to provide all of the children piano lessons, with Dorothy and George emerging as the outstanding pianists.  Almost all of the grandchildren played musical instruments in school and about half play guitar now that they’re out of school.  I’ve always considered music to be similar to learning another language.  As an adolescent I remember thinking, “I can’t exactly describe what I feel, but I know a few songs that describe it perfectly.  But you have to listen to them because the words alone won’t explain it.”
 
My four younger brothers (George, Henry, Ivan and John) were playing in bands in bars in their teens.  My brother Ivan played one of his first gigs at age 15, in a strip bar.  (Fortunately on a level above it.)  Ivan’s band, Jivin Ivan, played for 25 years before his cerebral palsy made it too difficult for him to load his equipment up after gigs.  John, Ivan, Hank, Jeff Fuhrman, John Vardas, and Bill Bachman played in our garage regularly and enjoyed a Ripsaw reunion a couple years ago.  I remember the band starting Modern Love by David Bowie in the garage several times, and my brother John finally jacking up JV for singing it incorrectly.   It’s supposed to start out, “I catch the paper boy, but things don’t really change.”  JV kept singing, “I shot the paper boy, but things don’t really change.”  John explained, “Of course things don’t change if you shoot the paper boy.”
 
George’s band Mace (a big hair band from 80’s—pictured below), played in some of the bigger clubs in the Midwest.    Preston has taken playing music to another level, playing just about everything including oboe, saxophone, piano, guitar, drums, and banjo well, and every instrument a little.  I was sitting at home “picking” on the guitar while Preston and I were talking.  I handed it to him and he played a Metallica solo on it.  When he handed back, I asked if he ever thought of just doing that.  He explained that it was easier than what he typically works on and it would get boring for him.  Preston is now teaching himself to play cello.  I was watching him trying a new instrument, starting with the beginners books, and he commented to me, “You can learn to do anything if you start out slow enough and in small enough increments.”
 
I remember sitting around at home after my brothers’ bands had finished a gig and giving each person 15 minutes to write a song, to see who could come up with the best.  There was a version of Please Come to Boston, which was converted to Please Come to Buckman.  I particularly liked the conversion of “you can sell your paintings on the sidewalk” to “you can sell your sweetcorn on the sidewalk…”  (Everyone in the area knows the Janson sweetcorn, the best in the world, is sold out of the back of a truck in the church parking lot in Buckman.)
 
We are not the first generation in our family to bring the band home with us, as Leo and Rosetta and Bernie and Fran Weber had done this a generation before to keep the music going.  I would imagine it happened with Vic Kapsner too when he owned the bar in Lastrup.  Before I was born, towns like Pierz used to have bands that played at get-togethers.  My grandfather, Frank Kapsner (who I’m named after) used to play in the Pierz band.
 
Many Pierz folk have been to after bar parties over the years where Charlie played guitar.  I have a distinct memory of Tim Luberts saying, “More Johnny Cash.”  There were many evenings Jayne Solinger or Jim Bachman joined us.  My family still plays music together regularly and every other Sunday, I visit my mom and play some old country music on guitar with her.  The family get-togethers are always better when John is there as he can play the Lynard Skynard and John Cougar rifs to the songs people love to sing.
 
One of the songs my family often sings when we get together is Grievous Angel by Graham Parsons.
 
                “I remember something you once told me,
                and I’ll be damned if it did not come true,
                Twenty-thousand roads I’ve been down, down, down,
                and they all led me straight back home to you...”
 
I’ll end how we started, with a Mitch Hedberg story.  Mitch was a long haired, hippie-ish dude who once shared, “I live in an apartment, and sometimes I like to mess with my neighbors.  I crank the music up, and when they start pounding on the wall, I yell back, “You’re going to have to go around.  There might be a door on your side, but it’s just a wall over here.”
  
Thanks for listening,
 
 
 Frank Preston conducting, playing oboe and saxophone at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis. I did promise him I wouldn’t take any pictures while he was conducting, and this may be the first time he’s seen this. Sorry… It felt like the right thing to do. [image error] Tony and Charlie playing guitar John and Hank with special garage guest Trudee Preimesberger. The Preimesbergers and the Webers were always mixing together in various activities on our block and still view each other like cousins. My family at the kitchen table. I’m on the stool in front. [image error] Leo and Barb I played a bass guitar solo behind my head during a high school band concert. Got to love the leisure suit. George helping Hank to a glass of water as preschoolers Charlie Liz and John (Liz played accordion until Jim Britz, a very talented musician and her accordion teacher, was killed in a car accident driving home late one night from a music gig) Rosetta and John Charlie George’s band Mace

Farm to Table, Black Eyed Peas and Football

My father, Leo Weber My mother, Rosetta (Kapsner) Weber

​The story of Murder Book starts in Pierz and references of growing up in Pierz occur throughout the book.  Here are some palatable stories of my childhood:
 
The Farm to Table trend means little to people in rural Minnesota who have always lived this way.  We had a large garden (which I dreaded working in as a small child) and ate a lot of organ meat, which farmers gave to us.  “Offal” is the term used for organ meat in many expensive restaurants.  I would have gone with the “awful” spelling as a child.  We had chicken, as we would butcher chickens with Templins and receive some to freeze for our help.  Everybody loves chicken.  You never even see chicken road kill.   Chickens have a tough life.  100% chance of being murdered.  Sorry for the tangent.  Butchering chickens made me first consider that my grandmother might not be a saint.  She told me to make sure to cut out “the Pope’s nose,” in reference to the chicken’s ass.   (And by the way, we’ve got a great Pope now.) 
 
We were guaranteed three amazing meals a week.  Every Friday we ate fish (given to us by some of the kind fishermen in the area), every Saturday we had hamburgers (with the meat purchased from one of the two great meat markets in town at the time – Thielen’s Meats or Meyer’s Meats), and every Sunday we ate chicken. 
 
I didn’t appreciate fresh produce until I left home, as everything was overcooked.  I remember the smoke alarm going off when we were little and one of my younger brothers asking, “What’s that?”  I told him, “That means supper’s done.”  I used to say I was raised on “black eyed peas,” which in my neighborhood meant burned green peas.  This is no criticism to my mom, Rosetta, as she still remains my hero.  Both of my parents worked full-time, yet mom was also responsible for all of the meals for 10 hungry kids who worked hard.  She’d throw some food on the gas burners, turn it on high, and hope to catch it before it burned.  When he wasn’t at work, my dad was busy repairing everything needed to keep a house running.  Looking back, Leo was impressive.  Imagine fixing everything instead of replacing it or asking for help.  My dad worked road construction for the county, and his career ended when an elderly driver piled through the orange cones and struck him with his car.  My dad was hospitalized for most of a year following this, and since no accident report was immediately filled out, years without his income ensued until the workman’s compensation claim was settled.  This settlement finally occurred after I, the 6th child, left home.  After the accident Leo could only sleep on the hard floor of our living room, due to back pain.  It’s significant to note that I knew a lot of people who were worse off.  As a matter of fact, Eastern Minnesota County is considered one of the poorest areas in the state.    
 
The vision of our coin purse resting on the window ledge is etched in my memory.  We used the coins to buy groceries.  Looking back, I realize there were never any bills in it, not even a dollar—just coins.  We’d use it to buy a loaf of bread or anything that would supplement the frozen and canned food we ate.  Ironically, rich people now are trying to eat like we did.  I remember eating radish sandwiches, which was simply bread, butter and radishes.  A couple years ago Brenda showed me a French restaurant which was serving that sandwich as a delicacy.   The recipe for the bread, butter and radish sandwich has a 5 star rating on the Food Network, and is featured in cooking publications such Food and Wine and Epicurious, as well as just now in my blog.  When tomatoes were ripe, everyone had an abundance, and at that time of year we’d eat tomatoes with milk for breakfast.  Today this would be sold as consommé in an elite restaurant.
 
I wouldn’t trade my childhood for anyone’s.  Mother Teresa once commented on how some people have a poverty of income, while others have a poverty of love.  I remember being sad when my oldest brother Anthony “Tony” left home, thinking we would never be one unit again.  Now I understand that we didn’t have to live together to achieve this.  There was always music, laughter and love in our home.  We still frequently get together, and when people ask me what it’s like I say, “Imagine 6 people trying to address congress at the same time.  You have to get your remarks in quick, or the opportunity to be heard is lost.”     
 
There are many memories I laugh at looking back.  My dad didn’t like buying fruit because “the kids just ate it right away.”  Or his leaving us personalized notes, like the one on thermostat which read, “Do not touch.  This means you!”    I remember dad telling me I shouldn’t talk to Brenda so long on the phone in case someone was calling in an emergency, and me thinking, “What type of emergency would result in calling someone with 10 kids at home for help?” 
 
An interesting aside is none of us 10 kids are particularly good at managing money, and depend on our spouses to do so.  I think this is because there was no money to manage.  Having a little extra was so rare that we celebrated when it occurred, and then started over.  All of us simply work a lot of hours, to reduce the worry.  Dad expected us to work.  Even when we finished our task we were supposed to find something else to do.  There are hundreds of stories from our childhood, so I will share a couple. 

Charlie and I were sitting in the backyard painting hot wheel cars.  I saw dad’s car approaching down the block and warned Charlie because we were supposed to be working.  Charlie told me to put the cars away and he’d get rid of the baby jar we had full of red paint.  An hour later, our neighbor across the back alley came storming into the house while we were eating.  I wasn’t sure what we did, but I knew Charlie and I, the usual suspects, were in trouble.  Charlie has always had a great arm, even as a kid.  He had thrown the jar as far as he could, over the shed in our back yard.  It busted on the front side of our neighbor’s white house.
 
We had a senile neighbor on one side who was convinced we were moving the fence between our yards at night.  One afternoon we were playing baseball in the backyard, and our last ball was hit into his garden.   The man ran to his garden and yelled, “There, now you’re done.”  Charlie disappeared while the man continued to rant at me and my siblings.  Then suddenly Charlie reappeared in our neighbor’s back yard turning on his water hose, which was attached to a sprinkler in his garden.  As the water started soaking the man, he dropped the ball and began chasing Charlie down the block swinging a rake at him.  Charlie was yelling, “Grab the ball.”         
 
We weren’t supposed to be playing ball in the backyard, because we had killed all the grass in it from our daily games.  We did, because our other option was the gravel road.  But man we busted windows.  So we went through other people’s junk and would collect windows and put them in the crawl space under the house.  Still we couldn’t put in a window with a different frame up, because dad would know. So we’d remove the glass, and if it was too big, we had a hand glass cutter in our garage we’d use to cut it down and replace it.  Tony was the best at it, as he had a way of getting things perfectly right.  You had to etch along the line and apply uniform pressure so it would break off perfectly straight.  Sometimes it took 3 or 4 windows to achieve this.   Looking back, I’m sure dad had to notice the fresh putty, but he never said anything because we had repaired the damage.  We actually busted and repaired one window twice in one day.
 
There is a lesson from playing football in our backyard I will never forget.  The yard light was 12 feet high and had a cover over it, so illumination occurred down from that height.   If you were running to catch a long pass at night, the football would completely disappear from view after it went above the light.  But if you‘d keep running your route, you’d be in the perfect spot when the ball reappeared to catch it.  And that’s life.  Head in the right direction, and even if you can’t see how it’s going to play out, eventually it all works out. 
 


Thanks for listening,
 
Frank Shane and Rachael just finished building food boxes so they could have some fresh vegetables to compliment the fresh fruit trees in their yard.  This picture reminds me a little of Dawn of the Dead, but I imagine it will look better once plants are resting inside.
​
Shane and Rachael in The Woodlands, Tx

San Jose, Perjury, and Beer

The presentation on Murder Book at the Martin Luther King Jr. Library in San Jose, California, went great.  Deborah Eistreicher, the Kings County Librarian described it as “Awesome” on Good Reads.  The Martin Luther King Jr. Library is an educational and cultural gem shared by both the city and San Jose State University.  The eighth floor features floor to ceiling windows that offer a panoramic view of the city.
 
I am in the process of putting together a book launch tour and am open to speaking at libraries and groups throughout Minnesota.  I’ve also been invited to speak to college psychology and criminal justice clubs, and I’m extending an offer to speak at more.
 
All of the situations addressed in my thriller Murder Book are based on my actual work and life experiences.  Real life cases can be more bizarre than the stories on television.  I will first share a disturbing story and then a lighter one.  I worked a case in Minnesota where a married man (I’ll refer to as Rhett—not his name) had raped and murdered a female (not his wife).  Rhett was an abusive man and his traumatized wife simply followed his orders.  After Rhett committed the murder (but still on the night of the murder), he told his wife to pick up a guy at a bar, perform a sexual act on the man, and bring the DNA to him so it could be planted on the murder victim.  She complied.
 
However, the crime scene investigators were able to prove that Rhett was with the victim at the time of her death.  When his effort to set up the bar patron failed, Rhett turned and blamed his adolescent son for the murder.  The adolescent son was the witness who saw Rhett with the victim.  Rhett was found guilty of murder and vowed revenge on anyone who assisted with his conviction.  His son later got into trouble for engaging in inappropriate sexual touching, and Rhett’s attorney argued that the boy had committed perjury on the stand.  If the boy had committed perjury, Rhett would be released from prison until a new trial came forth.  (Double jeopardy doesn’t apply in this case because Rhett was convicted, and never acquitted, of the crime—so he could be charged again.)
 
I was asked to complete a psychological assessment on the adolescent son.  My task is to report exactly what I find regardless of which side it benefits.  Even though the boy had his share of troubles (likely from being raised in a hostile and abusive environment), he had not perjured himself on the stand.  Instead he revealed additional information during our interview, which he had been too afraid to acknowledge prior to his dad’s incarceration.  This solidified the original conviction.  The original sentence remained in place. 
 
Ontario Prosecutor Rupert Ross told me of a court situation I would like to share.  A Cree elder was being sworn in to testify before the court.  The clerk read, “Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”
 
The elder considered this for a moment before he responded, “No.  I don’t know the whole truth.  All I know is what I’ve seen and what I’ve heard.  Isn’t it your job to determine what the whole truth is?”
 
Both attorneys looked to the judge who replied, “Just let him testify.”
 
The number of breweries in the U.S. declined from 523 in 1942 to 89 in 1978, and then, with the growth of tap houses, surpassed 4000 in 2015.  Have we ever had more than 4000 breweries in the U.S.?  Yes, in 1873 we had 4131 breweries.  I was sober for 15 years of my adulthood.  When people would ask why, I’d just say, “I forgot the purpose in it.”  I like the idea of small business, and about every other month now enjoy a glass of tap beer.  There are a number of great small breweries in Minnesota.  I have also enjoyed a glass of Guinness at their brewery in Dublin, Ireland, last year, and in my most recent visit to California enjoyed a glass of my favorite California beer, 805, at the Firestone Walker brewery in Paso Robles, California.  I had to buy one of their 805 t-shirts which read, “Hopped and Lowdown in California.”
 
Quotes for the week:
 
“You said in your report that I implied that my wife wasn’t very smart.  How do you think that someone who’s not very smart is going to respond when she reads that?”
 
Wechsler Intelligence Scales question:  Who is Cleopatra?
Client:  “I can’t believe that question’s on there.  She’s a stripper at Mettlers.”
 
Therapist:  Have you ever used a mood altering substances?
Client:  Do you mean like condoms?
 
  
Thanks for listening,
 
Frank

Love, 50 Shades and Bad Humor

My son Preston playing a solo with the band the Brothers Tone and the Big Groove at a Valentines Concert held at the Great River Arts Center in Little Falls.
​I’d have fought the world for you, 
If I thought you wanted me to.
Or put aside what was true or untrue,
If I’d known that’s what you needed me to do.
But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride, and just come through for you somehow…
 
-Sky Blue and Black by Jackson Browne
 
I love how the lyrics reflect a realization that he could have responded to the woman’s needs differently.  When we accept that there are a 1000 ways to respond to every situation, life becomes far more entertaining.  I will share an experience and ask you to forgive the swearing.  In my usual rush I was scurrying to another city to complete an assessment.  I pulled into a drive-thru to pick up lunch, but didn’t realize there were 10 cars in line ahead of me until I drove around the building.  I was backing up before I turned completely around, and soon realized I was cruising backwards about 1 inch from the side of a beautiful hand painted nature scene on the side of a Camaro.  I hadn’t hit the car, but was dangerously close and I could see the driver, about 18 years old, was furious.  So I pulled ahead and rolled down my window to apologize.
 
He hopped out of his car, and wanting to fight me yelled, “Fucker!”
 
It’s sort of an absurd term to yell at someone.  Do you respond, yes I am or no I’m not?  I was thinking, he’s making it difficult but I should apologize anyway.
 
Before I could start, he shouted again, “Fucking prick!”
 
I have to give him that one.  I can be a prick sometimes, and if I am a prick, that is the kind I’d like to be.  Plus, this is how my mind works:  “He just gave me a free psychological assessment.”  If he wanted me to say that about him it would cost him.  So I smiled and said, “You’re very observant,” and rolled on.
 
The beauty of the world is that we don’t need to respond as we are expected.  I was visiting my daughter, Nicolette, and my 3 year old granddaughter last weekend.   Kaycee, 3, was singing loudly when Nicolette answered the phone.  Nicolette asked her to quiet down a little so she could hear.  Kaycee told her, “I can’t.  This part is fortissimo!”  I couldn’t argue.  That part was meant to be sung very loudly.
 
People who are in trouble are always arguing about where the line should be, or defining questionable behavior as in the “gray area.”  One troubled adolescent told me, “I wish there was a punch card, so we knew just how close we were to going to hell.”  In other words, he didn’t want to be any nicer than he absolutely had to be.
 
50 Shades of Gray, now Darker, pushes the lines between romance and patriarchy, consent and abuse.
 
For me, it’s much better to focus on the man I want to be, as opposed to worrying where the line is.  If I want to be a helpful resource for others, I can’t walk the line between moral and immoral.  It’s too dangerous for everyone I reach a hand out to help.  If I’m walking the line, they might get the hand on the wrong side.  At the same time, I can honestly understand my detractors.  I’ve said an abundance of stupid things either in anger or bad humor that I wish I could retract.  So I don’t justify those comments.  I learn.  (Learning by definition is a change in behavior as a result of experience.)  Maybe I don’t always learn fast, but I learn.
 
Do I restrict my entertainment to high quality educational material?  No.    There are days I come home from work, where I don’t want to watch anything with any depth.  The very shows or music I used to detest for being mindless, are just fine.  When my son Shane faced cancer and went through radiation and chemotherapy, I didn’t want to watch anything that resembled reality in my free time.  Reality was too painful.  With God’s grace, a lot of science, his wonderful wife Rachael, and fight, Shane made it through.  To quote Bob Marley, “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only option.”
 
Difficult moments give us a new appreciation of love.  In Murder Book, the main character has a reflection I would like to share:
 
Being with Serena made me the luckiest man on earth.
 
Psychologists point out that we are driven by thirst, hunger, and sex. But it’s not that simple.  I had all of those before I met Serena. Sociologists would add a desire for power to the formula, but they’re wrong. It only feels like power from the outside. Our most powerful drive is a desire for affirmation—to be heard, understood, comforted, and soothed. Serena and I shared an affirming, passionate synchrony I couldn’t experience with anyone else.
 
While passion sells movies, understanding and comfort maintains love.  Fortunately, the three don’t need to occur exclusively. 
 
I need to end with some bad humor.  This is a conversation I had with a man who laboriously stretched out words with a drawl as he spoke.  I had seen the man a couple days earlier with his glasses intact, but today he had white athletic tape wrapped around the piece connecting the lenses.
 
I asked, “What happened?”
 
“Car accident.”
 
I considered this.  “I thought they took away your license.”
 
“I wasn’t driving.”
 
 “Was the driver injured?”
 
“I was walking.”
 
“You got hit by a car walking, and the only thing damaged is your glasses?”
 
“The car wasn’t moving.”
 
I told him, “I give up.  You’re going to have to tell me.”
 
“It was a nice day, and I was walking along, looking around, and I walked right into the side of a parked Winnebago, and busted my glasses.”
 
More bad comedy…
 
Remember the phrase, “Work like you don’t need the money and dance like no one is watching.”  A young woman told me, “My mom always said, ‘Dance like you don’t need the money.’”
 
When I dance and sing, it’s at everyone else’s expense...  But I still do … 
 
 
Thanks for listening!
Frank
  My daughter Nicolette with her husband Branden and daughter Kaycee. My son Shane with his wife, Rachael. Preston and his wife, Olivia.

Murder and the Insanity Plea

This is the Minnesota Security Hospital in 2017.  When it opened in 1911, it was called the “Asylum for Dangerous Insane.” The insanity plea is complicated.  You can be mentally ill, but still face legal consequences if it is determined you were competent at the time the crime was committed.  Here’s a couple cases I worked, that have already been made public:

I completed an assessment in a case where a man murdered a woman he briefly dated, during a jealous rage.  When his fury dissipated and he was left in the company of her lifeless body on his living room floor, he slipped in and out of psychotic thinking.  He painted her body green, believing this made it easier for him to not think of her as a person.  He wrapped her body and then dumped her at a construction site.  After two weeks without the body being discovered, he called the police.  He claimed he still didn’t feel guilty over killing her, but he felt tremendous guilt over her not receiving a proper burial.  He was found competent to stand trial, as anger over jealousy is a sane motive. He also hid the body, suggesting he knew that what he did was wrong.

I completed an assessment in another murder case where a man had spent all of his free time on the internet reading about conspiracy theories.  He became convinced someone was trying to kill him, and one night when he was surfing the internet, he saw an ad which read, “Tonight’s the night.”  Convinced he was being warned through a secret code, he loaded his gun, went to a parking lot, and shot and killed the first person who pulled in.  He then dialed ‘911’ and reported he had killed a man in self-defense.  This man was insane.  He had no logical motive and like most insane killers, was at the crime scene when the police arrived.  An insane person believes the crime is necessary; therefore there is no need to run from the police or hide the body.            

“Malingering” is the psychological term for feigning insanity.  Psychologists are reluctant to diagnosis this since it could potentially open them up to a law suit.  However, even if only 1 in 6 psychologists states a killer is malingering, this is enough to sway a jury since people like to see consequences for serious crimes.  In Murder Book, I examine how psychologists evaluate malingering.

Insanity is more difficult to fake than people might guess.  One of the worst cases of ‘faking crazy’ occurred when two criminals pretended to be monkeys and ate bananas whole in the same waiting room.  The odds of two unrelated men going into the same psychotic episode at the same time are minuscule.   Plus, monkeys peel bananas before they eat them.

Psychosis is scary for people who experience it, because the delusions are real to them.   You can’t counsel people out of severe paranoia; medication intervention is necessary.  Anti-psychotic medications work gradually rather than immediately.  I recommended a psychiatric consultation for a teen who was convinced that someone was trying to kill him after school.  (I first verified that this wasn’t the case.)  So every day he sprinted home, hiding behind cars and any other coverage on the way dodging potential assassination attempts.  Two weeks after the meds were started he told me people were still following him, but he believed it was teens doing it for a joke.  Three weeks later he reported no one was following him.

There is often a light at the end of the tunnel.  Some people just need help finding the tunnel.
I want to end by adding some of my favorite insights and quotes from individuals in the above settings:
           “I guess I’m handicapped, but not to the point of getting a sticker for my car.” ​​Test question:  How are a submarine and fish alike?  “They’re both sandwiches.”  (Had to give him credit) ​“I asked a woman at the bus stop if she’d marry me.  She said ‘yes’ so I got her number.  When I called, the number was disconnected.  So I lost a wife just because I wrote the damn number down wrong.” ​“I got a nice compliment from a woman last weekend.  I was standing at the bar and this guy was asking her to leave with him.  She said, ‘Are you kidding?  I’d rather go home with him’, and then she pointed to me.  Nice!” ​  “My name isn’t said like it’s pronounced.”  
There’s a tenderness in my heart for those labeled mentally ill.  I think of women and men who struggle, pouring their heart out to someone, only to have even their moments of insightful clarity dismissed as part of their mental illness.    
 
Thanks for listening,
Frank Frank in Houston, TX, in October, 2016