Alice V.L.'s Blog, page 5

What If You Don’t Fit Into That Box?

The world tells you that it’s one big cubicle and that there is a box for you that you must fit into, if you don’t want to be chewed up and ruthlessly spat out. It tells you that it’s just safer for you, and that there is no room for anybody in this Universe if they can’t fit into its exact dimensions or designs. So, you spend your entire life suppressing the fact that you just cannot fit into any sort of box. And then … as you begin to convince yourself that something might be wide off the mark with you, you begin changing and adapting bit by bit so that you can fit in, because you must, just like everyone else. Just like every other person you meet, you realize how desperate they too are, to fit into a box that was once given to them. When we finally realize that we just cannot fit in properly, we surrender and make new boxes for ourselves, in the hopes that nobody knows, and nobody sees.

But, you won’t always fit in and you won’t always want to squash into a corner you know you just can’t and don’t want to fit into. You begin questioning whether that is, in fact, your box or whether there perhaps, is something wrong with you? You move around, and you alter parts of yourself, just to try and fit in; you always try and try. You let go of anything that might take up too much space, or something that might prevent you from fitting snugly. You spend your entire life shaping yourself so that you can fit perfectly, even though you never really know where that intimidating box came from to begin with.

And then, pretty girl … you fall in love. You meet someone who takes your breath away, but he too, gives you a box. A box he wants you to fit into. A box he had once planned for his love to fit into someday. And so, it all begins again. You begin to conform to that new box’s design and once again, you begin altering all there is about you just one more time. Just to be able to fit into a brand-new box, given by someone you are desperate to please. You manoeuvre around, you twist and turn. You even bend over backwards to prove that you can fit into that box, the one he has given you. You must. Its what love asks of you.

But, just stop for a moment. Step back and take in a deep breath. We … you and I, we were never made to fit into any kind of box and the world is not a cubicle. You should not have to fit into the box society presents you with. Not the box your parents hope you’ll fit into as you grow and not the box the love of your life expects you to settle uncomfortably into. Love does not come with boxes. It does not seek to clip your wings or cage you in any way. Love does not ask of you to be one way only. It does not seek conformity, and it does not seek to conquer you.

When love shows up … real, legitimate and true love, there is no container that comes with it. Love seeks to encourage you, strengthen you and give you enough room to breathe and shape you into the best possible version of your authentic self. It gives you freedom and reinforces your wings so that you can fly … away, if you must.

You don’t belong in a box. None of us do. You weren’t made to curl up and conform in a world packed and stacked with boxes. Any love that presents you with a box, is simply no love at all. It’s not love.

Darling girl, a box does not matter.

 

Lola’s Secret

 

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To Go Back To Before

Among thousands on that city street, she looked past the crowd and saw him standing there. She could barely move when she noticed the abrupt recognition in his face. Her world stood entirely still for just a moment as she anxiously fought to take in a breath of fresh air. With nowhere to hide, her togetherness fell apart and her transparency faded away as he came closer to her. He was scurrying to catch her and when he finally reached and embraced her, her heart instantly shuddered and reminded her of their once. Something she had carelessly forgotten, and thought was once lost, had found her again. The tempest inside of her was raging when she remembered how perfectly flawless she felt in his arms. He recklessly evoked the scent of her skin as every memory of a promise they once lived, came flooding back to him. Almost like a song he was once besotted with, but hadn’t heard in far too many years, and how the lyrics remained imprinted in his soul as he memorized each word.

Instinctively, she wanted to grab his hands and beg him to go away with her. To run away. To go too far. Just for one night. To go back to before. Before she was someone else’s wife and before he was another’s man. To before they knew too much and felt too little. To when they could still effortlessly function on love and desire alone. She wanted one more night to evoke the she, she once was; the she, she was with him. Far away to a time when they were a them. To let go of their now, and forget how they grew up and lost their magic. To before their lights were so cruelly turned down. To a time when no-one else mattered and not much else was real. To when their bodies spoke so much louder and so much clearer than their voices did. She wanted to go so far back to when their hearts dissolved into their souls, just like they once did. Before life stole their passionate flames. She wanted to sit with him and hold his hand tightly into hers. She wanted to drown in the puddles of his eyes. She wanted to splash around on the shore with him, and gaze up at the stars as they counted almost everyone. She wanted to dream the same dream as he once did, before life stepped in and flung them into separate and untaught terrains. She wanted to go back just for one night, and forget that she became someone else’s love. She wanted to forget that she pledged her heart to another. For one night, she wanted to be free to unreservedly, love him again. She wanted to whisper how her heart still sought him out, and how her body still craved his. She wanted to step back into, and shamelessly linger in a moment she once thought she would never lose.

Instead, they talked and chuckled about old times and just about all they once went through. They spoke like old friends, but fell silent and remained hushed about their old love. As though, it no longer mattered. As though, it never mattered. As though it never happened. As though, the stars had stolen the memories of a love that once so distractedly captivated and obsessively consumed her. He hugged her while she desperately held onto him. But, as she was about to beg him for just one more night, she knew that she had to forget him for a while longer. Perhaps forever. She gave him her very best smile as she died just a little inside. By the way he so profusely fought against an uninvited lump in his throat as he unashamedly lied about how wonderful he’s life had been since, just reminded her of how far they had come without the other. He held her close enough to whisper how dreadfully he had missed her, but that he was in a hurry to go back to his life without her. He had to leave.

When he walked away from her, he was only moments away from asking her to run away. To go too far. Just for one night. To go back to before. Before he was someone else’s man and before she was another’s wife. To before they knew too much and felt too little.  To go back to before …

 

 

 

Wish Upon That Shining Star, Tonight

You’re the quiet girl in the corner of a crowded room, feeling so much more isolated than you’ve ever felt before, or even willing to admit. You’re the girl staring off dreamily and anxiously through your bedroom window when the entire world is asleep. You’re the girl that enthusiastically gazes up at the stars, hoping for just one to wish upon; you need the promise of a shining star on which you can depend, to bring him to you. You’re the girl with the ear phones in your ears, dancing up a storm inside of you, without anyone ever seeing. You’re the girl that makes all her birthday wishes count, and blows away that lost eyelash, trusting it to secure her heart’s greatest desire.

But darling girl, you still have some sprouting ahead of you, your time is not yet up, not anytime soon. He is still searching for you, he is still on his way. When things go wrong along the way, and you’re all by yourself, don’t become disenchanted … he just hasn’t found you yet. The road might feel longer than it should be, and as though it might never end. You might be blinded by the lights of those that pass you by, but you will get there, and he will get here. So pretty girl, don’t ever give up and don’t ever look back, those lights are behind you for a reason. He is there, out there somewhere, listening to the same music as you are, and wishing upon the same star as you did.

You probably won’t see him coming, but when he finds you, he will want to understand you. He will hear your every thought and be the wings on which you’ll soar above the clouds and fly higher than any eagle. He will tell you that you’re the one and he’ll let you know, each day, how wanted you are. He will love you and swear to you that it will last forever, so listen to your heart and let yours hear his.

He’s going to hold you, touch you and breathe you in all at the same time. He will whisper words of desire and hold his arms out wide enough just for you to find shelter in, because … only you will fit in there. He will share and dream your dreams, and he will carry the burdens you bear.

Hang on little lady, he will get there. He will show up, but almost never on your schedule or ever really on your terms, so don’t try to be bigger than this. Don’t allow your mind to lead your heart. This is one fight that is worth engaging in a bitter warfare with. Surrender and hand over your heart. You are so much more beautiful than you think you are. You are so much more stronger than you could ever imagine, but you must be so much more braver than you ever were.

Hold on gorgeous, and hang in there, because it’s a kind of love that will find you, always.

 

Lola’s Secret ***RELEASE***

23rd November 2017

Hello All!

It is with such great pleasure and enthusiasm that I introduce the beautiful Lola Storey to you and hope that you come along and share her journey in Lola’s Secret!

When I began to write Lola’s Secret, I stole the boy she had loved for her entire life from her. I stole her parents from her. I stole her life from her; her perfect little world was shattered. I hurt her tremendously by placing her in an awful family, with dreadful parents and horrible siblings. I made her live out her entire childhood under horrid circumstances. I wanted her to feel what I had lived; I felt her pain and I lived her losses with her. But Lola seemed so much stronger than I was, and I admired her courage. I was resentful of her surviving the events that I had imposed upon her that should have traumatized her forever. I hated her for that! I envied her, her strength! She just refused to stay down! What I would not to take from her, was her beloved sister. The sister she adored and would lay down her life for. The only family she had left. That would be too unbearable and perhaps, that would be the final nail in her coffin. I know. I lost mine and I would not want for any other person in the world to experience such a tremendous loss. So, I saved her sister for her. Perhaps, that was what had kept her going?

As Lola grew stronger; she became a better person despite all that she was going through. She became empowered, and I became angrier. She was coping with a life that would shatter many of us. When she was at her happiest, I would throw another hurdle out in front of her. I wanted to see how she would come back from each fall. I wanted to learn from her. Lola had to teach me. When it seemed that Lola would in no way at all survive yet another loss, I felt immense pity for her and I then wanted to help her find her way back. So, Lola taught me. We taught each other.

When I was exhausted by so recklessly punishing Lola, I knew that the story could not end where it was meant to end initially. I did not want her story to end there. I was intensely remorseful for giving her the life I did and then leaving her right there and just like that. I felt I owed her more and at the very least, I wanted to help her pick up the pieces. I did not want to turn my back on her.  I did not want her to believe in the life she had lived. So, we embarked upon a brand new journey; one that I had and could in no way predict. Once I realized that I owed her so much more than I had given her, Lola took on a life of her own; she diligently moved forward and ended her own story. All I did was to pen it out for her. She found her own ending and she ended the story on her own terms; back to the boy she had no memory of and the family she thought she remembered. She was a part of something so much bigger than she could ever imagine and she sought it out.

Thank you for signing up and I truly hope that you enjoy living with Lola as much as I did in the end.

Happy Thanksgiving to All!

With Love,

Alice

When He Slips Back In.

Every once in a while, she is wonderfully sure that a portal opens between the life she finds herself trapped in, and his, the next. She hears a song on the radio play more frequently than usual, and she smells his cologne in the strangest of places, at the oddest of times. She abruptly awakes in the middle of the night, positive that she felt his hand clutch hers, as he delicately whispered her name. She knows it’s him, she knows his voice and she remembers his touch; she remembers how his hand used to feel in hers.

 

She searches for him in a crowd when she feels him brush past her, and she closes her eyes to linger in the breath-taking familiarity of what was once him. She unintentionally checks her watch at exactly the same time each day, and when she recognizes the pattern, she understands that he is close.

She is flung into an unresponsive haze as she clings to him once more and she remembers all. She pines for him and now she is reasonably certain that he misses her too. Her sorrow is still only love; unspent love that has nowhere to go anymore, so when her world creates a portal for him to come back through to her, her love finally escapes from the corner of her eyes.

She begins to whisper when she really wants to shout. She wholeheartedly welcomes and embraces the opening, when she should surely walk away from it. She becomes quiet as she stops her shuddering voice from speaking and she just feels. For a while, she can’t move forward, and lingers in the opening of the portal; with him, just one more time. They are the days that matter. They are the days that keep her heart from dying. They are the days that allow her to breathe for just a little while longer.

She no longer needs people. All she wants is him and the beauty of his love for her. She hunts his strength because she no longer feels much of anything else, other than intense hankering and excruciating anguish. She passes her days waiting for the portal to open once more, so that they can dance and splash around in the puddles of one another’s hearts, again.

Without the portal, the world she is stuck in, is simply a life she needs to get away from. She can’t hear much of anything and there is barely space for her to breathe as she drowns in the silence. She rambles around purposelessly through this life, waiting and begging for a miracle to release all the caged love in her heart, so that she can see the beauty in her world, and not crave the healing in the next.

She wants her second chance. She wants someone in her world, to touch her again. She wants to forget, but only, until that portal opens again. She will never say goodbye to him; she will never let him go. But, if you stumble across her, just love her when the portal closes again.

Girls, Don’t Settle For Him!

You live in a world where you get what you can get, and you take what you can take.  You settle for that job you hate, because you are afraid that nothing else or nothing better might come along.

You settle for a town you don’t belong in or fit into, because you are afraid that you might never come home to the place your souls long for, even though you’re not quite sure you know where that is.

You endure friendships that no longer, or never served you; friendships that are never truly authentic, because you don’t know if friends that become family, truly exist.

And then … because you are so conditioned to settle for everything else in this world, you settle for love, because he might be all you can get.

And when you’ve been single for far longer than you planned or wished to be, you begin to negotiate your terms of settlement, almost as though you are surrendering to what you think you can get, sure that it’s all you ever will get. You instruct your mind to disregard your heart’s nudges, and you promise your soul that you will eventually, fall in love with the one you like.

You settle for him because he treats you kindly and with respect; because he loves you and you don’t really know much of anything else. You settle for okay’ish and you are happy’ish, because you are fine’ish. You just don’t know of a euphoric or stupor kind of love. Your mind tricks you into identifying what it views to be a safe kind of love. Your heart endlessly searches for more; a truly, madly, deeply kind of love. Something you don’t really know, and you are not quite sure that it even exists. You begin to settle for what you think you know to be love.

If you are afraid you might end up alone, you will never feel lonelier, than in a crowded room when you settle for him.

If you are convinced that you’ve gotten all you can get, don’t settle for him.

If he doesn’t light you up, and emotionally ignites you, don’t settle for him.

If he seems without flaws, charming, smart, successful and drop-dead gorgeous, yet you continue to search for that missing something in him, don’t settle for him.

If his voice is not your favorite sound, or entirely frightens and excites you all at the same time, don’t settle for him.

If sticking to the rules far outweighs breaking them for him, don’t settle for him.

If you don’t miss him the moment he walks out the door, don’t settle for him.

If he doesn’t deliver messages to your heart, don’t settle for him.

If he is not a risk you are willing to take, even if you suspect that loving him could wholly destroy and crush your heart, don’t settle for him.

If you don’t inexplicably feel as though you’ve loved him before, perhaps in more lives than one would allow you to, don’t settle for him.

If you don’t feel the energy of a thousand suns on your lips when he kisses you, don’t settle for him.

If his presence does not thrill and scare you all at the same time, don’t settle for him.

Be brave, be courageous and don’t settle for anything less than the eyes you drown in, the arms you feel safe in and the air you gasp for when you see him. You don’t have to. You should not. You must not.

The Universe knows when souls are equipped to wreck the world together, settle for that.

When you meet the one who whispers to your soul, you will finally understand why it could never work with anyone else, settle for that.

When you stand in front of him, and your entire body erupts into a shudder simply because he calls out your name, settle for that.

When he holds you so flawlessly in his arms that the world around you disappears, settle for that.

When your heart knows things about him that your mind cannot explain, settle for that.

Settle because you don’t have to settle.