Amy Lane's Blog: Writer's Lane, page 65

Small things...

Okay-- I admit it.

Haven't done much in the last couple of days.

I mean, I finished Bobby Green, edited it and submitted it-- that was something. And I got a lot accomplished on a shawlette I'm working on--crocheting--for, I think, a friend who is going to graduate from physician's assistant school very soon.

I folded clothes, picked up a prescription, bought coffee...

And oh yeah! Saw Spiderman Homecoming, which I ADORED. That kid who played Peter Parker was charming as hell, and my own awkward teenager who loves science and frequently trips on his own feet thought it was AMAZING.

So that was something, right?

But mostly, I gave my foot a rest and just sat.  Even when I was folding clothes, I took my time.




It was sort of excruciating--for me and the dogs. Not that I could have taken the dogs walking on Friday and Saturday anyway--it was super hot, and not really good for dogs to be on concrete later than nine-thirty in the morning.  So seriously-- if there hadn't been trips for coffee and Mate hadn't taken me for pain medication (which I've been trying to get him to take, because he sprained his knee)   the dogs would be seriously depressed, convinced that I didn't love them and that there would be no more walkies forever.

*sigh*

Poor babies.

They're almost right.

We're heading out to Monterey for the next couple of days. Chicken is house-sitting, but she needs to be at work early--and it's too hot to walk much later. Frankly, I'll be lucky if my anything in my house is left undestroyed and unchewed on.  (Excuse me, I'm going to go hide my wooden needle for reasons.)

Anyway-- I think I'll be up for driving and walking during vacation, and I'm pretty happy about that.

And although I'll be breaking paper on my next project tonight, my deadline isn't anywhere near this moment in time--I can relax, just a smudge, while I play with my family. (Don't talk to me about RWA though-- that's going to be a bit of a pinch.)

So there you go.

Me. Doing nothing.

Was sort of awesome.

Interesting thought...

So, about three weeks ago, I had a fasciitis flare up.

I did what my people do and rubbed some dirt on it, cut the dogs' walk short but kept walking, kept aqua exercising, and only when I was home allowed myself to sag in any chair I could find.

The flare up faded, but I somehow screwed up the muscles in the back of my leg.

Yes, I literally sprained my ass.

Thigh, calf, ankle--all hurt. Lots of Motrin. Still hurt.

Called the doctor, who said, "Hey, I don't even know you--go take some blood tests, okay?"

*whine*  Yeah, sure, I took some blood tests--which all came back GREAT, btw, as in my blood sugar went down to regular, NON pre diabetic levels, and for a whole minute I was proud and excited until I realized hey, I hadn't lost a motherfucking pound.

Anyway-- in the meantime, the strained muscles went away, but last night, my foot started to hurt.

Really frickin bad.

Wake Mate up to go get me Motrin so I could walk to the bathroom to pee sort of bad.

This morning was my scheduled doctor's appointment, and I swear I almost turned around when I stopped to get coffee because driving hurt so bad.

I didn't--I limped into the doctor's office, and a bunch of stuff was discussed, including my ROCKING TEST SCORES which show I've been doing GREAT on my diet, except, you know STILL GODDAMNED FAT.  (I'm not a little bitter about this in the same way I'm not a little bitter that HRC isn't my president right now. We're talking THAT LEVEL of cosmic betrayal here.)

Anyway, the doctor did an interesting thing.

I was expecting a prescription--which I intended to mail order because I didn't want to walk to the pharmacy, and I expected a lecture on the weight, and hey, see the bitterness mentioned above, but what I did not, positively NEVER expected was that she would order me an injection of Toradol to ease the pain I was experiencing RIGHT THE FUCK THEN.

I cried.

Oh my God--in my entire history as a patient, no doctor ever did a thing to put me out of my immediate misery without judgment or hesitation.

Not. Once.

It went into effect as I was driving home. It still hurt when I walked, but I wasn't in tears when I drove, and God.

Oh my God.

Just one day without pain.

The injection didn't start to wear off until later tonight, and in the meantime, I was a good girl and elevated my feet and even used an ice pack (and ate cookies because I was still miserable about the weight) but dude.

If she can put me out of my misery for just a day--I just might be on board this doctor's train.

I'm saying.

Damn.

I think all doctors should maybe make pain relief a priority, don't you think?

The Duck

Okay, so we went to the pool today, and ZoomBoy took over the music selection for the drive.

Just... Okay. Welcome to my world here for a little bit.

Here I am, driving along, and...



Well, you can listen for yourself.  The duck was my favorite. I went off on the duck for five minutes in the driveway at Del Taco. I was like, A. I woulda killed the fucking duck. Just lopped off his head. Duck for fucking dinner. Served. And B. If the goddamned duck was going to drive that poor man so batshit crazy, the least he could do is ask for a beer. Cause after that damned song I need a fucking beer.

Word.



Anyway-- so, four songs in, and I commander the damned phone back. If you need me, I'm going to have a Boxer Rebellion/Milky Chance/Linkin Park/Greenday/the Killers/Bruce Springsteen marathon in my head.

NO MOTHERFUCKING DUCKS, GUMMI BEARS, OR HAMSTERS ALLOWED, thank you very much.



Jesus, is angst rock too much to ask for?

Happy Tuesday in July!

So yeah-- not full of nationalistic pride right now--but my family picnic is always a joy, so that was fun.

I've got pictures, but they're not downloading right now--I have no idea, and seriously-- *yawn* off to bed right now.

But I WILL leave you with this-- it's the pre-buy link to Red Fish, Dead Fish, which is out on August 4th--SWEET!

PRE-BUY AT DSP

And now off to bed, to comfort my animals who are either freaked out or hiding--and freaked out.

Cause poor babies and loud noises, right?

So happy Tuesday, everybody--I hope your family picnic was lovely, the flies weren't too bad, and your beans turned out as good as mine did. (I'm not gonna lie--they came out FANTASTIC. Dude. The pressure cooker gadget is worth it's weight in pork and beans for LIFE!)

So anyway--

May tomorrow not get too hot, and may there be a swimming pool nearby in your summer!

Night!

Kermit Flail, July Style

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
So, it's Kermit Flail, July edition, and once again, I have been given an embarrassment of riches.
All it took was one prompt--just one, mind you--and some of the most awesome folks sent me their stuff to flail-- *sniffle* I'm just so rich in friends!
So, E.J. Russell sent me a fantasy story--the first in a series, that I wish I'd written. The series title is Fae Out of Water, and the premise is to die for! Deja Black is in there with paranormal, giving us shapeshifters in Nepal, and the promise that dreams can come true!
Alexa Milne and Kate McMurray both sent contemporary--but one is highland romance, and the other is college age theater, and those two together just go to show that there is NO LIMIT to the wonders of basic contemporary romance! YES! 
Newcomer Roe Horvat adds to this--Roe gives us another international contemporary, one with a little explored premise, and a particularly painful choice--looks juicy for angst lovers, right?
Sean Michael is well known for BDSM, and Sean's offering is self-published--and as a raving fangirl of some of Sean's other work, I can tell you it looks delicious!
Of course, Manny Get Your Guy is there too--because, yanno, it just came out on Saturday, and I wouldn't want you to forget ;-)
In the COMING SOON section (which is basically a flail for things that don't have a link yet) we have Rhae Camdyn--a long time reader and an aspiring writer, with a brain-baby she's been coaxing to life for over a year. Rhae is known on FB for her salty presence and her no-nonsense Texas brand of kindness and tough liberalism, and Three Days in Jackass Flats looks like exactly the kind of thing she'd concoct.
And ALSO in COMING SOON? Well, I'll let you take a look for yourself, but when you do...
A. Check out the cover lines by (OMG OMG OMG OMG) International and NYT Bestselling author Miss KAREN ROSE!!!! (*swoon*)
B. Also check out the chilling cover by Reese Dante and the angsty blurb by yours truly, and...
C. Know that it's coming out AUGUST 5TH!!!!! (I missed having a buy link by a cat's whisker, DAMMIT.) 
So there you go--some awesome offerings for pretty much everyone. 
Are you excited about your summer reading yet?
I am!





Cutie and the Beast

by E.J. Russell

Once upon a time, there were three brothers, nobles of the Seelie Court of Faerie, who set out to seek their fortunes. The eldest—
Scratch that. Rrrrrewind.

Nowadays, when tales are told in 140 character bursts on tiny LED screens, rather than spun out by the glow of a midnight campfire, even Faerie’s elite have to get with the program.

The Kendrick brothers have traded longbow for briefcase, battle steed for Harley, and enchanted harp for electric guitar. But while they’re finding their feet in the modern world, instead of finding their fortunes, they stumble straight into love.

Cutie and the Beast (Fae Out of Water #1)

By E.J. Russell

Temp worker David Evans has been dreaming of Dr. Alun Kendrick ever since that one transcription job for him, because holy cats, that voice. Swoon. So when his agency offers him a position as Dr. Kendrick’s temporary office manager, David neglects to mention that he’s been permanently banished from offices. Because, forgiveness? Way easier than permission.

Alun Kendrick, former Queen’s Champion of Faerie’s Seelie Court, takes his job as a psychologist for Portland’s supernatural population extremely seriously. Secrecy is paramount: no non-supe can know of their existence. So when a gods-bedamned human shows up to replace his office manager, he intends to send the man packing. It shouldn’t be difficult—in the two hundred years since he was cursed, no human has ever failed to run screaming from his hideous face.

But cheeky David isn’t intimidated, and despite himself, Alun is drawn to David in a way that can only spell disaster: when fae consort with humans, it never ends well. And if the human has secrets of his own? The disaster might be greater than either of them could ever imagine.

Buy at Publisher





My Highland Cowboy

by Alexa Milne

Duncan McLeish owns a ranch. Unlike most ranches, this one is in the Scottish Highlands. Having inherited a failing farm from his grandfather, he turns it into a successful business. He has friends and he loves his home, but he’s lonely, and not even infrequent trips to Glasgow and Edinburgh slake that thirst to find someone. Then Drew Sinclair walks into his life.

Drew Sinclair is tantalizingly close to getting his clothing brand noticed in the industry. He and his business partner, Joy, create individual dresses, while, on the side, Drew produces a line of men’s lingerie. He visits Scotland to design a bridal gown for his sister, Jenna, who is marrying Duncan’s best friend at Christmas.

Duncan and Drew have nothing except their Highland upbringing in common, but they say opposites attract, and the attraction is immediate. Is this simply a summer fling, or can two men who live such opposite lives miles away from each other find a way to love?

Buy at Publisher




The Layover

by Roe Horvat

Eight years ago, Ondro Smrek fled Slovakia and the bigotry that drove his first lover to take his own life. The demons proved impossible to outrun, though, and now, desperate for somewhere to belong, Ondro is returning to start over. During a layover in Basel, Switzerland, he meets Jamie, an American living in Scotland who is as brilliant as he is beautiful.

Jaded Ondro never would have guessed he could fall in love during a brief layover—until now. When he is put in a position to offer Jamie comfort without hope of recompense, Ondro doesn’t hesitate. Soon, he catches a glimpse of the home he longs for. But with their separation looming, confessing his feelings would only lead to pain and humiliation. Life has taught Ondro not to hope, but then, he never believed in love at first sight either.

Buy at Publisher



What’s the Use of Wondering?
by Kate McMurray


Violinist Logan has spent most of his life training for a career in music. But as the pressure mounts during his junior year, he questions whether playing in an orchestra is the future he wants, or one chosen by his parents. His new roommate—that annoying jerk Peter from last year’s production of Guys and Dolls—complicates matters. Crammed into a dorm room with the overconfident but undeniably hot accounting major, Logan can’t stop snarling.

Then Peter sprains his ankle building sets, and Logan grudgingly agrees to play chauffeur. But instead of putting further strain on their relationship, spending time together reveals some common ground—and mutual frustration. Logan discovers he isn’t the only one who doesn’t know what he wants from life, and the animosity between him and Peter changes keys. But just as the possibility of a happier future appears, Logan gets a dream offer that will take him away from Western Massachusetts University—and Peter. Now he has to decide: will he live the solitary life laid out for him, or hold on to Peter and forge his own path?

Buy at Publisher





A New Way to Dance

by Sean Michael


Dancer Seth Avery has it all. He’s at the top of his game as a dancer and he’s in love with famous dance director Fayden DelMonaco, the man who is his sub. Seth’s whole world is turned upside down when Fayden dumps him in the nastiest and most public way possible. To compound matters, he’s in near fatal car crash shortly thereafter that leaves him severely injured.

Brook Turner is an ex-lawyer turned micro-brewer, baby-brother of Seth’s best friend Lizzie. The two met briefly before Seth’s accident, but it’s when they meet again six years later that they get a chance to act on the attraction they’d initially felt.

With Brook’s help, Seth begins to heal not only from his residual physical injuries, but also from the emotional ones inflicted by Fayden. Will it be enough to keep the two of them together?

Join Seth and Brooke as they find a new way to dance together.

Buy at Publisher

Buy at Amazon





A Place for Dreams

by Deja Black

Raksha has arrived from Nepal, along with his people, to reclaim his mate, but Cole Brightside is a young man afraid of a past he doesn’t fully remember. The two have only connected in Cole’s dreams, where Raksha is both beast and man. Now, Raksha wants them together again in the real world.

Can Cole make it past his own fears to become the man Raksha needs him to be? Can Raksha accept who Cole has become?

Can they find a place for dreams?

Buy at Publisher




Manny Get Your Guy
By Amy Lane



The Mannies

Starting over and falling in love.
Tino Robbins’s sister, Nica, and her husband, Jacob, are expecting their fifth child. Fortunately, Nica’s best friend, Taylor Cochran, is back in town, released from PT and in need of a job.

After years in the service and recovering from grave injury, Taylor has grown a lot from the callow troublemaker he’d been in high school. Now he’s hoping for a fresh start with Nica and her family.

Jacob’s cousin Brandon lives above the garage and thinks “Taylor the manny” is a bad idea. Taylor might be great at protecting civilians from a zombie apocalypse, but is he any good with kids?

Turns out Taylor’s a natural. As he tries to fit in, using common sense and dry wit, Brandon realizes that Taylor doesn’t just love their family—he’s desperate to be part of it. And just like that, Brandon wants Taylor to be part of his future.


Available at Amazon

Available at DSP


COMING SOON





Three Days in Jackass Flats

by Rhae Camdyn
On the surface, Jackass Flats seems as common as ticks, tornadoes, or tumbleweeds on the plains of North Texas. But, scratch past the small town charm of Mama Cee’s restaurant, or Gear Grinders Garage & Machine Shop, and you’ll find a whole mess of things going on. Mix a DEA investigation going off the rails, a Paul Bunyan sized French émigré dealing exotic cars, and a long-eared lonely deputy scouting for stuff and nonsense at the infamous local casino, and a very subtle bow-chicka-bow-wow romance track playing in the background, things get spicy with cayenne, cilantro and a heartwarming dash of good natured hilarity.

As Sheriff Drayton Jeepers like to say when caught unawares, “No one south of that highway lives in their own skin.”

Yeah, we’re not sure what he means either, but finding out promises to be fun!






















Red Fish, Dead Fish
by Amy Lane
They must work together to stop a psychopath—and save each other.

Two months ago Jackson Rivers got shot while trying to save Ellery Cramer’s life. Not only is Jackson still suffering from his wounds, the triggerman remains at large—and the body count is mounting.

Jackson and Ellery have been trying to track down Tim Owens since Jackson got out of the hospital, but Owens’s time as a member of the department makes the DA reluctant to turn over any stones. When Owens starts going after people Jackson knows, Ellery’s instincts hit red alert. Hurt in a scuffle with drug-dealing squatters and trying damned hard not to grieve for a childhood spent in hell, Jackson is weak and vulnerable when Owens strikes.

Jackson gets away, but the fallout from the encounter might kill him. It’s not doing Ellery any favors either. When a police detective is abducted—and Jackson and Ellery hold the key to finding her—Ellery finds out exactly what he’s made of. He’s not the corporate shark who believes in winning at all costs; he’s the frightened lover trying to keep the man he cares for from self-destructing in his own valor. 

AVAILABLE AUGUST 5th

Manny Get Your Guy

Manny Get Your Guy
By Amy Lane



The Mannies

Starting over and falling in love.

Tino Robbins’s sister, Nica, and her husband, Jacob, are expecting their fifth child. Fortunately, Nica’s best friend, Taylor Cochran, is back in town, released from PT and in need of a job.

After years in the service and recovering from grave injury, Taylor has grown a lot from the callow troublemaker he’d been in high school. Now he’s hoping for a fresh start with Nica and her family.

Jacob’s cousin Brandon lives above the garage and thinks “Taylor the manny” is a bad idea. Taylor might be great at protecting civilians from a zombie apocalypse, but is he any good with kids?

Turns out Taylor’s a natural. As he tries to fit in, using common sense and dry wit, Brandon realizes that Taylor doesn’t just love their family—he’s desperate to be part of it. And just like that, Brandon wants Taylor to be part of his future.
Available at Amazon 
Available at DSP







June 24 – MM Good Book Reviews
June 27 – My Fiction Nook
June 28 – Open Skye Book Reviews
July 1 – Boy Meets Boy
July 3 – Scattered Thoughts and Rogue Words
July 5 – Love Bytes
July 6 – Long and Short Reviews









Okay--so, remember Jakey and Nica in The Virgin Manny?  Well, it's ten years later, and they're working on their fifth kid!  Nica has helped Jakey build his businesses until they're solid, and they have a nice house in the suburbs but it's filled to bursting. 
So Jacob's cousin, Brandon, who lives over the garage suggests that he helps build an addition to the house, and that they get a nanny.  Nica--who has been in touch with her friend Taylor and has forgiven him for leading her on in high school--knows just the guy.
Taylor hasn't had it easy since he came out to Nica. His folks weren't awesome, and his time in the military ended with an RPG explosion. He's back at home, building up his life, and he needs a job until his grant kicks in, and he can start school.  But still... he feels bad enough for how he treated Nica in high school, that he's a little bit leery about watching her children. He's a soldier--and an ex-player-- what does he know about kids?
Well, a surprising amount really. He watched Sammy and Nica's little sister--and frankly, smart, compassionate men can watch children. It's not rocket science, it's human science, and I'm always surprised at the people who think it's funny to watch guys make asses of themselves in the child-rearing front. If women can walk into a computer science firm and make the men look like weenies (and they can) men are perfectly capable of getting kids dressed and out the door. (Honestly--perpetrating the "men are idiots around children" myth does not do women's rights any good.)
Taylor's problem isn't in the logistics of the kids--it's in the emotional consequences of being a part of Nica's family again. HIs heart is bruised, and he was such a little shit as an adolescent, he's pretty sure he doesn't get nice things.
Brandon is a nice thing. He is, in fact, a nice boy on the whole. And once he realizes that his OWN preconceptions about Taylor were way off base, he realizes what Taylor really DOES need help with.
The loneliness that wraps like Kevlar around his heart.
I loved writing this book. The kids parts were fun--and I wish there'd been room for more of them--but the Taylor and Brandon parts were my favorite. Every time they were on page together, I felt like they were the only two characters in the book. 
I hope you guys love them--enjoy them--and this series as well.  
For those of you who have already fallen in love with the Mannies, Sammy (who we see here as a high school student) is next, in Stand by Your Manny, and after that we have Dustin, who is MORE than a handful at nine in Manny Get Your Guy, and will continue to be an ornery little prick in A Fool and His Manny.  
But for now, just enjoy Taylor and Brandon. Brandon has a morbid metaphor problem, and Taylor has never met a problem he couldn't throw himself on top of and let detonate. They were great fun for me to write--and hopefully for you to read!

High ten!

Quick post tonight--

Mate and I were watching season three of Miss Fisher's mysteries.

The initial setup was in a woman's sanitarium.  A woman walked into the room, dropped her drawers, and cut to outside. The lights dimmed, and the woman is found dead, electrocuted.

Someone onscreen said, "Was she reading with a lamp?"

I laughed. "For a minute there," I said, "I thought it was... you know."

Mate was all "What?"

"A vibrator. They used to plug into the wall."

Mate looked at me sort of oddly. "Seriously?"

"Oh yeah."

"Back then?"

"They used to short whole apartment buildings. I've read accounts of it."

"Well then--"

And at this point, on screen, Miss Fisher makes a very blatant innuendo about what the woman was doing with an electric appliance (which is missing) and no knickers, while found electrocuted.

And Mate looks at me with admiration. "Well done! Go you! Look at what you know!"

I stood up and took my high ten.

I mean, it's a very limited set of information, but, you know, surprisingly useful.

Also, I wouldn't touch my privates with one of those things for any money-- google "Antique plug in vibrators" with pictures and feel the buzz!

Manny Get Your Guy: Blog Tour

 


So, the blog tour of Manny Get Your Guy has started, and will continue into next week. Like I have in the past, I'm going to make a master post here, and update it on occasion when I get new dates. We're in luck though, because as of this posting, four of the dates have already gone up!

Anyway-- I had fun writing this story--the reformed bad boy is one of of my favorite tropes, as is (you may have guessed) the cocky, confident, alpha younger man. In this case, Taylor--the bad boy-- is already sex on legs. Adding the toppy younger guy was like icing on the cake--so much fun!

So here are my blog tour dates, and some charming kid stories from long, long ago that you might not have caught before.

Also, eventually, I promise to tell the story behind Gecko Pliskin and Escape from Oregon.

So enjoy!









June 24 – MM Good Book Reviews
June 27 – My Fiction Nook
June 28 – Open Skye Book Reviews
July 1 – Boy Meets Boy
July 3 – Scattered Thoughts and Rogue Words
July 5 – Love Bytes
July 6 – Long and Short Reviews

Buttons and the Pit

It was a lovely morning, so I took the kids and the dogs for a walk today. (I got tired of them becoming solids and playing video games... I remember that being a life goal, but my parents thwarted me too.)

They enjoyed the walk, and I enjoyed them, and after we dropped the dogs off we went to Babetta's and bought buttons.

I offered Chicken a choice of three and she picked the witchy ones--the ones with the pentagram, and those were my favorites anyway.

Now, I'm looking at this sweater and trying to decide what I've done wrong, and I think it comes down to the pit.  Once again I didn't trust I'd have enough room when the truth was I had plenty. I need to pit earlier, and I need to not make up so much room under the arm, because I think that's where the bunching comes from.

And, yes, I own a pattern book to tell me how this works but I'm an idiot and if I don't muddle through it with, well, this is my third sweater, I'll never figure it out.

Anyway--I tried to take a nap, but Steve woke me up. She felt I was being rude. Feel free to tell her what I thought of that, yeah?

And then I put the buttons on.

And Squish is modeling it, but Chicken has... well, my people call them boobs, which Squish does not yet have. I think the sweater might fit a little better if given some room for all that pit. I shall be taking notes when she comes and tries it on.

But seriously--I"m proud of it. And it's done. (Okay, I could block it.)  I think she might actually wear it, and I am content!

Oh-- Manny Get Your Guy is out on July 1st-- that's SATURDAY, believe it or not. I am most excited!

Schadenfreudaphelia

* Note--this is political satire, and I'm really angry at our political system right now. The following is going to be gross, disgusting, and amoral--just like our GOP and the scabrous rancid treasonous sphincter pustule rotting in the White House.


... Somewhere, in a fetid darkened closet, with a sticky floor and cum-rags that crackle, the following is happening...

Ryan: Is he coming?

McConnell: McCain? No--he's still pretending he thinks the health care bill is good for children.

Rubio: Moron. What about... you know...

McConnell: Our Russian friend? Alas, no--he's in his own closet with Trump.

Pence: Oh man--I hear theirs has running water and clean rags.

Hatch: And sunlight. Blessed, blessed sunlight.

McConnell: The things we do are better in the dark.

Ryan: Oh! Wait! What was that!

McConnell: Did it feel like thick wet lips embracing your unholy member?

Ryan: Sort of...

McConnell: That was Kushner. It's his favorite part of the proceedings.

Ryan: Ew.

Pence *whispering*: We're lucky. Sometimes it's the other guy and I swear he's got a forked tongue.

Hatch: DeVos tried it once, but she had too many teeth. And that KellyAnne woman.  *collective shudder* I've barely healed the scars.

Rubio: And that Huckabee woman never stops talking.

Spicer: She's doing her job!

Hatch: Who invited you?

Spicer: You mean... you mean I wasn't invited? But I always get invited to the circle jerks!

McConnell: This, gentleman, is not about sex. This is about the satisfaction we can only get by serving our country. Erections out!

*chorus* Ready, Turtle Man.

McConnell: I am circumcised like all good Christians and you know it. Let's begin:

Who's gonna get sick?

*chorus* Milennials

Who's gonna get evicted?

*shudder* Grandma...

Who's gonna get arrested?

*collective moans* Brown *ecstatic whimper* people.

Who's gonna shoot themselves with their own guns?

Cruz *out of rhythm*: Oh my God oh my God EVERYBODY! I'M COMING!!!!

Ryan: Oh Jesus--there goes my boner. Kushner, could you clean that guy up? Every goddamned time...

McConnell: Heh heh--that's why I bring up guns first. Go on, Ted. You know the President is waiting.

Cruz: Oh yes. Do you think Putin dropped a big load for me this time? I can clean it up... it'll be... amazing...

McConnell: Sure. Now go. The rest of us need to finish.

*Cruz leaves*

Ryan: Putz. The whole point is to be the last man standing.

McConnell: Let's resume.

Who's gonna starve at school?

*low whisper* Children.

And who's gonna get pregnant and stay uneducated?

*grows stronger*  Women!

And who's gonna have to work until they're seventy?

*grows stronger* Everybody!

Who?

*stronger* Everybody!

WHO?

EVERYBODY BUT US!

Ryan: Oh God, I"m close!

Pence: Be strong, brother! Think of my wife!

Ryan: Ew!

Pence: You're such a good Christian.

McConnell: And who's gonna get sick?

*ecstatically* Children!

McConnell: And who's gonna die first?

*getting more frantic* Disabled hildren!

McConnell: And who're we gonna blame?

*frenzied now* Women!

McConnell: And who's gonna grieve?

*barely holding on* Everybody!

McConnell: And who we gonna screw?

*shrieking* Everybody!

McConnell: And who's gonna hurt the worst?

*frothing at the mouth* CHILDREN!

McConnell: AND WHO GETS TO KEEP THE MONEY?

WE DO!

McConnell: AND WHO GETS TO KEEP THE POWER?

WE DO!

McConnell: *seductively* Isn't it lovely, my brothers? Watch the horror, the destruction! Think of the power, the glorious power! Imagine your feet, crackling the bones of our old, our young, our helpless, while the women bow in service.. and then...

*weeping with the need to come* Yes?

...and then...?

Oh God... please... tell us...

...and then!!!!

WHAT???

McConnell: We...*stroke* blame *stroke* everything *stroke* ON THEM!

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA GONNA GONNA...

CHEMICAL WARFARE NUKING SYRIA MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

CUM!!!  

ahhhhhhhh....

Ryan: You came first.

Pence: I did not.

Ryan: Did too.

Pence: So did not.

Ryan: MOTHER!

Pence: MUAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Ryan: You came twice.

Pence: Mmm... it was worth it.

McConnell: Faster, Kushner, you've got the whole GOP to go.

Ryan: Spicer, you maybe wanna help him out a little?

Spicer: I'm part of it! Look at me!  *gets down on hand and knees*  This'll get ratings, for sure!

McConnell: You want ratings? Wait until we tell everybody the new health care plan is better than Obama's...

Pence: Think they'll buy it--ouch!  KellyAnne, were you even invited?

Ryan: Who cares? Mm... nice job, Sean... a little to the left...

*fade to even blacker*