Amy Lane's Blog: Writer's Lane, page 141

We're not allowed to what?

No. Yarn.Okay--

So my stepmom called me up and said, "Let's go to the quilt show!"  And I said, "Will there be yarn?"  And she said, "Uhm, sure…"

There was no yarn.

No. Yarn.I repeat-- a craft show with no yarn.  

But, well, I used to quilt-- I did.  It's been a while, though--- ever since my kitchen table became my office table, actually-- but since I still have three kids at home, I have hope that someday, I shall be a quilter again.

No. Yarn.So it was okay-- we could go to the quilt show.

In spite of the appalling lack of yarn.  And men.

No. Yarn.In fact, in the quilt show, there was one--I repeat ONE-- man under the age of forty.  He confessed to being a year away.  He didn't look a day over twenty-nine, so I"m going to count him.  He was showing vacuum cleaners.  We already had one-- of his brand!

But he was the only one.

So, there we go.  A craft show. No men.  No yarn.  But there were pretty things.

I bought a scarf.

Cute, but straight.My stepmom and her cousin got a hand massage, and we all bought mink oil products before I thought to ask whether the mink oil was milked or, uhm, removed from an unliving mink.

Let's hope it's the first one, right?

No. Yarn.And then we went to Dos Coyotes for lunch-- and on the way, I got a call from Damon Suede.  (Yes, I'm shamelessly dropping his name, because A. I adore him, and B. people who know him know how wonderful and witty and smart he is and that sort of adds to the oddness of this conversation.)  See, Damon was walking on the streets of New York, because he IS THAT COOL, and I was in the car with my mom and her cousin on the way from Cal Expo to the Arden Fair Mall in Sacramento, because I AM NOT THAT COOL.  So, there I am, asking him a professional question of a somewhat, uhm, delicate nature.  And while I'm doing that, Cousin and Stepmom are having one of those bizarre, "But is Dos Coyotes under the movie theatre or to the right of Cheezecake Factory" conversations, the kind that end with, "But I thought that place closed down?" and then you're parking and wondering how in the holy fuck you got there alive, because you're pretty sure your law abiding mother just casually broke several traffic laws.
Still no yarn.
And then my conversation with Damon was over (and I hope he's still talking to me) and my mother was looking at me strangely.  "Sometime when Cousin isn't here, you're going to have to tell me what that was all about."
Stepmom getting hand massage too.
"Porn."

I wasn't even being facetious, but I just couldn't think of words right then.  The words were all gone bye bye, and so was my brain.

Sorta cool.And into this brain-soup of a day that I'd cooked up,  I saw an old student who recognized me in the middle of Dos Coyotes.  He's going to school to get a history degree, and was happy to see me.  When I told him I wasn't teaching, I was writing, and why, he was like, "Good for you, Ms. Lane-- you just keep on going!" I didn't get a picture of him-- but I'm not going to forget him any time soon.

Horrifying.Anyway, after all of that, we said goodbye to my mom's cousin and stopped by Deseret Industries.  Now, I wasn't going to buy anything there because that particular church hasn't always been that kind to my people, but I was sort of fascinated and horrified by the stuff they had.  The ancient sewing machine with the old table and the knee pedal?  Fascinating.  Five of the same kitschy spoon holder, probably from the same store?  Horrifying.  Conformity lives--and I didn't even take a picture of the uniform rows of consignment clothes in the same color scheme/fashion lines.  Trust me.  Horrifying.

Squish trying on glasses with me.And then home, where I proceeded to pick up kids, then take ZB and Big T to a friend's to play D&D and Squish to the mall so I could pick up my prescription sunglasses. We stopped by a pho noodle place because if it was just Squish and I, we were going to eat something good and healthy for dinner that I didn't have to cook.

And now it's 9:15, and I'm at my computer in quiet for literally the first time today, staring blankly at the screen and wondering what to blog and write.
A blank canvass.  Uh-huh.
And while I'm here, still feeling a little shell shocked at my day, I can hear Cousin, asking me this exact question:

So what's it like, now that you have all the time in the world to write?  Is it like your day just stretches ahead of you like a blank canvas?

Short answer?

NO.

WHOOPS!  Oh-- and by the way?  I got to the end of the quilt show and they told me I wasn't allowed to take pictures.

Whoops.

Mate's Journey

On Sunday morning, we woke up and drove to Sacramento.

The sky looked like this:













When we arrived, we parked in Old Sacramento and walked from the Railroad Museum, across the bridge, and to Raley Field.  It was still gray outside, and the river looked like this:














Mate went in to register, and then we waited outside of the stadium until he was called to line up with Wave 3 of the Shamrockn' Half Marathon.  He was pensive.  Mate looked like this:





















He went to line up, and I stood on top of a little hill on the corner overlooking the starting/finish line.  Behind me, there was a photo drone that worked for the news:














Way behind me, was the sun coming up over the bridge and the city of Sacramento:













And in front of me, soon to be loosed like hounds on the hunt, or a horde of wild barbarians, was the wave of runners:













Mate was in there somewhere.  I did not see him.  But I remained optimistic as I walked back across the bridge…













And into Old Sacramento…













None of the stores were open, but I still saw this:





















Once I got back to Old Sac, I deposited some of my stuff in the car, sat down, and waited.  And eventually, Mate appeared:





















This picture was not originally so cool-- it was lame, which sucked, because Mate posed and everything.  Anyway, I edited it and sent it to Mary and she told me to stop showing off my phone features, and then I laughed and walked back across the bridge to Raley Field, and back to the finish line.  I waited about half an hour, and then I saw him, rounding the corner, for the finish, and I gave him a high-five:





















I had to walk back around the field to see him, so I didn't actually see the finish line, per se, but he got the high five in time to take heart and run through it, so I had done my job as staff.  Then I walked into the stadium, and he was sweating all over section 107.  He looked decidedly less chipper:





















We did not stay for the band, even though they were pretty good.

















But he was still game to stop at a candy store on the way back, so we could buy the kids green salt water taffy and pretty canvas bags for St. Patrick's Day.  Darrin was the AWESOME proprietor of Candy Haven.  He looks a lot like the guy on the front of the bag, but has better earrings, and can flirt spectacularly.  I fell a little in love with Darrin.














But not as in love as I am with Mate, who,  after we came home and ate lunch, looked a lot like this:

Sometimes I ask myself...

*  Why can't we be retrofitted or USB ports, so, you know, I can connect my brain to the computer, press "Upload!" and go, "I know WWII History!"  Or, you know, "I know Kung-Fu."  Cause that's good too.

* Do cats think about us as much as we think about them?  Or do they train us up and assume the never ending supply of food is just going to happen, as well as ass-scritches in the morning and tackle hugs at three a.m.?

*  Mate is going to run a half marathon tomorrow-- why don't they make aqueducts over the city so I can swim the same course?  I'd be great!

*  Is it possible to knit with your toes while you write with your fingers?  Has anyone done it?  Has it been documented?  Can we get a research committee and a training commission to make that happen?

*  Can I have a "tech belt" made?  On it, I can put my phone, my real kindle, and my mini computer on it, as well as my car keys, my glasses, and the mystery concoction I'm supposed to put in my water to make me miss soda less.

*  Why can't I memorize simple maps?  Mate and I have been to Old Sacramento a thousand times, and yet, when trying to picture where I would go to see him run, I am completely baffled.  Completely.  And as badly as I want to see him run in front of the capitol, I even more badly want to see him make the finish line, and I don't think that can happen if I"m butt-hurt-lost from something as simple as walking in down town!

*  I put beets, carrots, and anise root in a food processor, and am cooking it up with tomato puree and chicken.  Does this break a law of nature or some sort of culinary rule?  If so, can lightning strike my stove so I don't ever have to clean it?

*  If I use plenty of milk, can I get a ruling on milkshakes counting for dinner?  (Because, you know, that previous item might happen.)

*  Is it wrong that I like the chocolate whey protein with my mango smoothies?  Just asking.

*  Does the dog know that it looks really obscene when he goes down my shirt?  Is this why he keeps trying to do it when we're outside on the porch at Rubio's?

*  How cool is it that my MIL doesn't mind hearing about my job?

*  How scary is it to break paper on a historical novel when you've never written one before?

*  Did my grandfather really join the Greek resistance after his plane went down, or was he parachuted in with the rest of the OSS?  I don't know, but the idea of even more legend has me salivating!

*  Did you know they painted the undersides of the reconnaissance Spitfire planes light blue if they were doing high altitude surveys and pale pink if they were doing low altitude in the cloud cover.  I'm enchanted by this detail.  I can not tell you why?

*  Given that Squish's intellect is all about the intuition, and Zoomboy's is all about the technical aspects of everything and the math, if we merged their brains, would we get a megalomaniacal world ruler who constantly fought with itself?  Just wondering.

 *  Why do cookies taste so damned good?

And… most importantly…

*  Exactly how early do I have to get up tomorrow to watch Mate cross the finish line?  It's that last question that is going to drive me to leave this exercise a little bit before it's time-- I think 4 a.m. is the ass-crack of dawn, and I'd better shower before I jump on that ride!

 

Teacher's Conference

Yes Ms. Lane, about your son--
Your sweet Zoomboy, yes, that's the one--
We'd like to say that he's okay, 
But he just won't DO HIS HOMEWORK.

His test scores soar, but what is more
He's kind and calm and carries on
When the rest of the class is loud and fast
But he just won't DO HIS HOMEWORK. 

He can do his math, and his reading's GREAT
But rarely does he participate, 
When he does, what he says is really first rate,
But he just won't DO HIS HOMEWORK!

His desk is full of papers, yes
Some with his name--and some with less
But few with his work, and I must confess
He needs to DO HIS HOMEWORK!

His eyes unfocus, his voice, it mutters
I know that if he had his druthers
He'd be in another time or another place
Where there wasn't ANY HOMEWORK.

Could you maybe talk, and make it big,
Maybe reward and maybe beg
About why his life will crash and burn
If he doesn't DO HIS HOMEWORK?

And I say--

Uhm, you say his test scores are all okay
And he'd rather stare at a sunny day
Than at his desk in shades of gray
Than concentrate on his homework?

Oh dear.

Zoomboy?

Yes?

I must confess, the school thinks it would be best
If in addition to being clean and dressed
You could manage to do your homework.

Zoomboy?

Zoomboy?

ZOOMBOY?

Yes?

Did you hear a word that I just said
About how when you claim you're doing work on the bed
You could possibly DO YOUR HOMEWORK?



Instead of reading?  Really, Mom?

Well, what are you reading?

Harry Potter-- it's glorious, and I can read it forever have you read it?  It's as detailed as Star Wars and I'm working on character bibles and I've got six jokes to tell you about boggarts and closets and the differences between animaguses and werewolves and why you can't let Dementors kiss you and when to use a patronus and how to work an accio spell and…

And I tune him out, and look and smile,
Because how can reading not be worthwhile
And seriously, tell me, how important can it be
That he gives up this joy for his homework?

I pull my head back, and try to be firm,
Because he won't be ten for every term,
But as I talk, the private space behind his eyes
Is full of wizards in disguise
And light saber battles and alien lexicons
And fighting techniques to build religions on
and how you build a tesseract
And how primates and quadrupeds interact
And anything, really, what to do
With what your teachers give to you.

What will do it, son?  Punishment? Reward?
A card on which your triumphs are scored?
Why won't you pay attention--!

I'm bored.

Oh.  That's something I sort of knew…
Schoolwork used to bore me too.

So, what were we talking about, Mom?

I wish I knew.  

Did it have something to do with homework?




(In defense of teachers (having been one)  a moderate amount of homework helps to reinforce what kids have done in class-- it's practice for skills they need to be able to pull out of their ear in a moment's notice.  But, well, Zoomboy and I are sort of the difficult kind when it comes to homework.  I remember kids just like us-- they drove me crazy and were my eternal delight in the same breath.)

So You Think You Can Tell...

I finished Beneath the Stain today, and popped out of the rabbit hole to discover: *  I had a hideous breakout on my face
*  You can see my gray hair after too long between dye bottles
*  My toenails look heinous
*  The clothing I'd bought online in the wee frickin' hours of the morning was starting to arrive, and my taste in bras has improved but for everything else I should maybe get some sleep. 
I also realized that, in the haze of the last couple weeks I have:
* Made the kids fish their clothes from the clean pile instead of folding them
* Served my family milkshakes for dinner last night
* Entertained a massive neck/headache from writing 5K a day for 6 days straight
* Failed to feed the cats before they ate the bowl they knocked off the table
* Probably should clean the floor in the kids' room
* Have been living from milk to milk, not from shopping to shopping * Have broken my diet several times
* Have developed a pathological attachment to the evil imps hawking sugar and fat at in front of the grocery store.
And sometime in the course of living in this dragon cave I had:
*  Stopped by my grandmother's house to give my aunts and uncle moral support as they held an estate sale
*  Knitted feverishly on Squish's sweater so I can get to the baby blanket I need to be feverishly working on moar.
*  Taken pictures of the partially completed Chain Mail Rib scarf, and hoped people don't really buy Blackbird Knitting in a Bunny's Lair for the knitting pattern in the back
*  Become unnaturally attached to several songs that I didn't realize were part of my own personal mythos

And now, I think I would like to:
* Knit and watch television with my family
* Read my friends' blogs because it's been too long  * Fold clothes
* Clean the house
* Get ready for the couches my aunts and uncle generously let us have from grandma's estate
* Edit the 167K monsterpiece that I hath created, and hope that, as I re-read it, I discover that holy Goddess, merciful God, it might not suck.

Ramble On...

I'm just gonna throw shit out today, like a big pile of discount yarn, and there are no guarantees it's not going to get tangled and mangled and mussed, okay?

*  I wrote lots this last week-- but mostly for other places!  So, come visit me at
*  Mate said the following while watching television: Did they change Mr. Clean? I think he used to be more butch.  Weird.  But he seems very nice.  (My response to this was a series of wordless *urgh-gack* noises that can't really be translated.  Mate's a good man, but, well, o.0)

*  THIS happened in Australia, and I haven't stopped listening to it.

*  Zoomboy got to the fifth Harry Potter book, and bought a pen/wand with his allowance.  He keeps waving it at the car windows and saying "ascendio" and "descendio" -- of course I push the button to make the windows go up and down.

*  Chicken sent me this picture of Squish and Tyler Posey, saying Squish had found her role model. She was right-- their postures do match.  Squish is so glamorous, it hurts :-)


 *  We took the dog out to play.  I did not get a picture, but there's something about watching this dog run flat out, with his ears flopping and his arched back expanding and contracting, and those little deer legs digging in for the race that makes me think this dog needs to run all the frickin' time.

And then he needs to sleep.

*  I made it to the gym once this week.  This is a big deal.  Between the rain and the dentist appointments and the pool getting resurfaced, well, aqua is a luxury.  I"m starting to crave it.

*  My drug addicted rock star (a.k.a. Beneath the Stain) should wrap up this week.  Which means my next project needs some serious Google Fu.

*  To that end-- has anyone here heard about the bells of Times Square (or Madison Square Gardens?)  See-- I read a google article about two years ago about how a local church rang its bells during WWII until all of the soldiers came home.  But now that I'm almost ready to write the story this inspired, I CAN'T FIND THE DAMNED ARTICLE.  If anyone out there knows this source, please send it to me!

*  I'm naming all of my chapter titles for Beneath the Stain after rock songs.  What's your favorite rock song?  I'm only asking because right now my answer is ALL THE SONGS.  I love ALL THE SONGS.  I literally have twenty more songs I'm dying to use as chapter titles, but I know I only have like, two or three chapters left.  So I want to see yours.  Because.  I'm masochistic that way.

*  And in that vein?  (And because I've got to take the kids to dance soon!) I've got this for you all, because I can't hear it enough:



* Oh yeah-- and how do you like the New Release Monday format… I'm just asking.  Nobody comments on it really, but everybody stops in to see.  If you think it's a good thing-- comment, please!!!   I'd love to know if that's working!

And now, I must away-- dance lessons wait, wherein we all watch Zoomboy try to execute grace and beauty with feet the size of a six-month old Newfoundland/Mastiff mix, attached to little stick ankles.  High comedy, I assure you!

*waves*  Ramble on!

*Kermit Flail*: March

Hey all!  It's First Monday of the Month-- which means I take a break and let the stunning work of my fellow writers speak for itself.  I have releases this month from Mary Calmes, T.A. Chase & Devon Rhodes, B.A. Tortuga, Cindy Sutherland, and Gini Koch!  (And an Audible link for Going Up!)  Seriously-- I'm like *happy dancing* *doin' the samba* *woot woot wheeee!*  for all of these people-- you'll see why as I go!


Starting off we've got none other than Mary-MY-Mary-- Mary Calmes, and I'm in the middle of this book (cause I'm special) and I love this book.  It's amazing.  Tracy is a riot, and this book-- like pretty much everything Mary puts out is KERMIT FLAIL ROCK AWESOME.  Uhm, sayin'.
Tracy Brandt considers himself a lucky man. He has a wonderful family, good friends, and a dependable job. His love life, however, features a cheating ex who, though out of the house, is not yet out of the picture—with a past that just might get Tracy killed.

 Homicide inspector Cord Nolan wants nothing more than to show his best friend’s little brother that he’s a reliable man, but to do that he’ll have to get Tracy to look past the player he used to be. It'll be a tough sell; reputation is everything, and Cord's is tarnished by his past indiscretions.
 Tracy and Cord have spent five years trying to suffocate their fiery attraction under a blanket of grudging antagonism. When Tracy finds himself with a target on his back, Cord finally has the chance to ride to the rescue and break through the dam of Tracy's reserve. But he’d better be careful: if Cord is breaking the floodgates to wash away the past, he's going to have to hold tight to Tracy to make sure they're still standing when the tumult re Floodgates at DSP
This next author is a friend whom I didn't get to see when I was in Florida-- she and her lovely Julia Talbot were stuck on the runway in Albuquerque and didn't get there.  We are, for the record, still bitter.  B.A. Tortuga is a seasoned veteran of this genre, and she's really excited about her first DSP release, and I was so happy she asked to be on the blog!!!


 They say a man can always come home. So after doing hard time, Sage Redding heads to his family’s northeast Texas ranch to help his ailing daddy with the cutting horses.

Adam (Win) Winchester is a county deputy and the cousin of one of the men killed in the incident that sent Sage to prison for almost a decade. While Win's uncles, Jim and Teddy, are determined to make Sage and the entire Redding family pay for their loss, Win just figures Sage has paid his dues and maybe needs a friend. Maybe he needs more than a friend. In fact, Win’s counting on it.

No one’s denying Sage is an ex-con who went to prison for manslaughter. Regardless of the love he has for his father, he’s returned knowing things will likely go badly for him. Maybe a man can always come home, but he may not be able to stay.
Nonofficial type comment: Since I came out of the closet, I've spent a lot of time working through my own personal stuff — can I go home, when I do, do they want me, when do I have to admit that tattooed pink-haired lesbians don’t get to belong to deep East Texas anymore? The Terms of Release is the novel that came from asking those questions I still don’t have answers to.
The Terms of Release on DSP
Okay-- T.A. Chase (who is charming and adorable!) was all, "Oh, is it okay if I post more than one release?" and I was like "YES!  Cause that means you're AWESOME!"  T.A. and I see each other at conventions, and she loves my guys Bodhi and Peter especially, and I love her guy Pestilence!  (I'm getting to the other three horsemen, but Pest was pretty excellent :-)  When I found out that she and Devon Rhodes (her equally charming and adorable writing partner) were doing a series on International Men of Sports I was thinking Wow! That is a stunning idea, and I can't wait to see what they do with it!  Well, this is one of the things they're doing with it, and I'm all dancy about it.  Cause, ice skaters!  Yum.
Burning Up the Ice
Blurb: 
Two men, two very different sports and one rink—sharing ice has never been so hot.Olivier ‘Big Bang’ St Pierre is back in his hometown while he recovers from being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Hockey’s a contact sport—still, he didn’t count on the locker room being dangerous. As a professional hockey player, he also didn’t count on it being hard to find ice time. But when a rink shuts down unexpectedly in a winter-sport-crazy town, even being a big name won’t help as people scramble for whatever they can get.The first time Ethan Campbell hears from the local hockey legend he knew as a kid, Olivier manages to insult both his family’s rink and his new sport—curling. So he’s not exactly receptive when Olivier shows up in person to plead his case. He makes a sarcastic offer…and is shocked when Olivier takes him up on it. Ethan’s bad experience with hockey had left him cold. But soon he and Olivier are burning up the ice.
Burning Up the Ice- March 7th
And this is her next one--and can I just say, I love the names?  Ion and Adrien?  Num!

Close the Distance

Being in love isn’t always roses and sunshine. 
Ion Vasile and Adrien Bellamy start dating and fall in love quickly. As their relationship grows stronger, Ion discovers the fragility of his family ties. As his mother turns against him and his brother seems to be supporting her, Ion begins to lean more and more on Adrien.Adrien wants nothing more than to be strong for Ion and share his own family with him. Yet he’s afraid they’re moving too fast. He doesn’t want to scare the most marvellous man he’s ever met away.When tragedy strikes, they both realise life is too short to let fear rule their choices.
Ethan is tied to his town, job and family, while Olivier will be going back to Chicago to rejoin his team as soon as he’s able. It can’t possibly last…can it?Close the Distance- March 28th  Okay, anyone who saw the Fireside Chat with myself, Rhys Ford, and Charley Cochet knows that Rhys is frickin' amazing-- and I don't just say that because she is currently keeping my Chicken safe in the wilds of San Diego.  Her Cole McGinnis Mysteries are amazing--and this is the fourth, much anticipated installment.  Cole.  Dude.  NOM.  So this is a big furry deal-- enjoy! (P.S.-- we have no buy link yet-- if it shows up in the next day or so, I"ll post it, but don't forget to check the www.dreamspinnerpress.com Coming Soon page-- it really is coming soon!)
Dirty Deeds by Rhys Ford (Book 4 in the Cole McGinnis Series)
Coming MARCH 28, 2014 from Dreamspinner Press
Sheila Pinelli needed to be taken out.
Former cop turned private investigator Cole McGinnis never considered committing murder. But six months ago, when Jae-Min’s blood filled his hands and death came knocking at his lover’s door,  killing Sheila Pinelli became a definite possibility.
While Sheila lurks in some hidden corner of Los Angeles, Jae and Cole share a bed, a home, and most of all, happiness. They’d survived Jae’s traditional Korean family disowning him and plan on building a new life—preferably one without the threat of Sheila’s return hanging over them.

Thanks to the Santa Monica police mistakenly releasing Sheila following a loitering arrest, Cole finally gets a lead on Sheila’s whereabouts. That is, until the trail goes crazy and he’s thrown into a tangle of drugs, exotic women, and more death. Regardless of the case going sideways, Cole is determined to find the woman he once loved as a sister and get her out of their lives once and for all.
 And this next writer, Cindy Sutherland, is almost brand new!  But she's awesome to talk to on Twitter, and the blurb looks amazing!  Everybody give Cindy Sutherland a hand, and check her out!

Devon West is a professional Dom who runs his own club, doesn’t believe in romance, and had never been in a long-term relationship. All this changes when he rescues Chase Mackenzie.
Chase is a runaway who has been kept as a slave since he was sixteen. Now twenty-three, he’s still innocent and sweet despite being severely abused and left behind by his Dom.
When Devon finds out that the man who held Chase hostage is the same man who hurt him terribly when he started learning about the sub/Dom lifestyle, he knows he has to keep Chase safe.
Spoiled rich boy and sociopath James Kingston is obsessed with Devon. He’s convinced Devon would be his perfect sub and Devon only thinks he’s a Dom because he needs proper discipline. Losing Chase to Devon is like rubbing salt in the wound, and he’s determined to get them both under thumb. This time, Chase may need to rescue Devon.
Available at DSP!
I really adore J.P. Barnaby-- and one of the things I love the most about her is that she may write gut wrenching, rip-out-your-spleen specials, but she reads happy.  She's funny, she's passionate, and she's bloody brilliant-- and I'm so excited to host her new offering on my blog!
It’s been nearly five years since Aaron woke up in the hospital so broken, he couldn’t stand the sight of his own face. The flashbacks no longer dominate his life, but he’s still unable to find intimacy with his lover, Spencer Thomas. With time, patience, and the support of his family, his therapist, and his loving partner, Aaron has figured out how to live again. The problem is, Spencer hasn’t. His life has been on hold as he waits for the day he and Aaron can have a normal relationship. Hoping to move things forward for them both, he takes a job as a programmer in downtown Chicago, leaving Aaron alone. 
Reeling in the wake of Spencer’s absence, Aaron receives another shock when his attackers are caught. 
Now, he must testify and verbalize his worst nightmare. Publicly reliving his trauma without Spencer at his side destroys his precarious control. But he finds someone who can understand and empathize in Jordan, who watched his brother cut down in a school shooting. With Spencer gone and the DA knocking at his door, Aaron seeks solace in Jordan, and Spencer will have to risk everything to hold on to Aaron’s love.
Available at DSPIn Paperback

Okay-- so this next writer is off the beaten path!  She's amazing, usually writes sci-fi, but this book is actually (take a deep breath, we'll work through this) NON-FICTION!  And the really cool thing is that, folks?  I had dinner with this woman, then a drink, then the next day we traveled to the airport together and sat through a flight and then bolted a sandwich together before we each caught a different flight in Atlanta.  After all of that, I can tell you something important: I WAS NOT BORED ONCE.  She is funny, she is witty, she is very human, and I adored her.  I think if you're looking for some witty observations on life and writing, this is the place to go!   
Random Musings of a Funny Girl
 Want to know the untold story of Gini Koch? Did Gini really spend time in the Peace Corps? And did she really get arrested for stalking Nathan Fillion? Is she fluent in any language other than sarcasm? And what's the real reason she's banned from Denny's? The answer to these and other burning questions are in this book! So what are you waiting for? Buy this book NOW! It's not getting any younger, you know. Is it fact or fiction? You decide. The first ever humor collection from Gini Koch, Random Musings from the Funny Girl, is available NOW!


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Okay-- I did lie a little in my last blog post-- I do have an offering this month.  Going UP was put on audiobook extraordinarily fast.  This was the first e-book wherein I got to audition the narrator, and I really loved this guy's treatment.  If you're all about the audio book, this is quick and hopefully fun!
Going Up! available on audible!

*pounding heartbeat*

Okay-- so first, I'm going to remind you that on Monday, I totally pimp EVERYBODY ELSE'S WORK.  Tune in-- there will be book covers and blurbs and buy links and people who are not (thanyajebusamen) ME!

That's pretty awesome.

Secondly…

I was thinking about it…

What to blog what to blog what to blog what to blog what to blog…

Well, I could talk about how I was looking through my Kindle Cloud and there was a lot of embarrassing porn…

I could talk about how I'm reading no fewer than 13 books on the carousel, and I just sort of call them up when the mood strikes…

I could talk about how porn is the condom of Kindles-- essential to life running smoothly in the sexual department, but once you use it, that's it-- throw that puppy away…

I could talk about the stuff I re-read-- like the fact that I'm on Bridge of Birds for the umpteenth time, and how Emma is something I meander through at will…

I could talk about how audio books are a high tech way of revisiting the low tech days where men would read and women would do needlework…

I could talk about how I've been in a writing coma and how I'm thinking this is gonna be a 15K weekend and Mackey, bless him, is almost done, almost done, and when he's done he'll be around 160K and I haven't done anything that long in a long time...

Okay--- whatever.  I've got something in the monkey brain now time to make the lizard brain get to work and pull up my browser and…

Oh hell.  The computer crashed.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck… reboot reboot reboot reboot… close all the .pdfs, close all the extra word docs, close all the pix…

Oh, hello.

What's this?

OMG--what's this?

ABORT ABORT ABORT ALL PLANS 

Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap… is that an edit on my desk?

No, seriously-- is that an EDIT ON MY DESKTOP!

Oh hell-- is that DUE TODAY?

*heart pounding*  NO.  Oh damn… okay…. calm down Amy.  It's just an edit.  I mean, you knew it was there.  It's just that you spent a week in a writing coma, really, sinking into the story, absorbed by it, completely one with your rock star and his family and…

You almost let a deadline whiz right by.

Now, it was Dorothy Parker who said, "I love deadlines.  I love the sound they make as they wing right by!"  And most of the time, I agree with her.

The thing is, when you know they're coming, you can feint right, feint left, do some mental gymnastics, and TA-DA!  That puppy has missed your ear, taken a little hair, but you knew it was coming and took measures to not let the pressure of that puppy smack you in the kisser.

In this case, it was more like I tripped, rolled, and came up face to face with that fucker, right before it was about to take off my head.

So, yeah.  I'll scintillate (or lull) you with my bizarre theories on literature, sex, and electronics at a later date.

Right now, I've got to go do some men
tal gymnastics with a medium sized bear that almost took my head off.

Right after my heart stops pounding, kay?

Shut up and write!

"Oh Mary, my Mary, what are you doing tonight?"
"I'm trying to edit, and it's sort of a fight!"
"Wanna talk about Teen Wolf?  It was a delight!"
"I know what you're doing--don't push me, all right?"
"But my character's ripping my heart out, it's all tangled like--"
"I know-- I wanna read it!  You need to finish that tonight!"
"But writing is hard and I'm not very bright!"
"You just left that part hanging!  Bitch, shut up and write!"




"Hi Mom!" says Chicken on my phone screen so bright
"Whatcha doin'?" she asks, and I answer her, right?
"Well there's Dean and there's Sam and there's pasta tonight--
And the little kids are reading and the dog had a fright!"
And she says, "I've got homework, gotta bail, all right?
Besides, you are stalling.  Now stop texting and write!"

Kaitlynn says, "TEEN WOLF!  YOU SAW IT? IT DESTROYED YOU, RIGHT?"
I whimper.  "Stilinski feels, Hoechlin lust, Scott's not very bright."
"Did you read all the fanfic?  See the .gif sets? Hash out the character's plight?"
I've got homework on my hobbies-- it's filling me with fright!
I think I"ll run away now.  "Gotta edit!" How trite.
Besides, she knows better.  "Screw that-- just go write!"


Julianne's next, a sweet, funny delight--
And she's far to adorable to yell-- too polite!
"Did you nap?  Did you exercise?  Are you eating all right?"
"Yes my love, and you?"  Not even her characters fight.
And we talk about Teen Wolf and walking in the rain
And sign off knowing we'll talk once again.
But as the chat window shuts, my text window's alight--
It's Mary.  "I want Mackey.  Now shut up and write!"

E sends me pictures of puppies and wool, 
And I want to chat, but E isn't a fool--
Lynn likes some Sherlock, but she's not going to linger
Not even if I offer Karl Urban with the joy that he'll bring her,
Ariel's asleep, Shannon's pimping yarn,
Anyone who's up doesn't give a darn
That the shiny and squirrels have taken over my mind--
They know I've got better things to do with my time!
C'mon Amy, you know you're not fooling us, right?
Get off social media, and shut up and write!


I go to snuggle with Mate-- who knows what'll take flight?
"I love you, sweetie, but I"m too tired tonight.  
Besides, you know you need to work, right?"
"But… but… I'm here, I'm your warm, willing wife!"
"Who will be happier if she goes to the kitchen and writes."
"Okay, fine.  Tomorrow night, though, right?"
"As long as your character resolves his plight!"
Okay-- he wasn't that sweet.  He really said, 
"Close the door, shut off the light, open the computer, and write!"

No readers are chatting on FB tonight,
And if they were, they'd all hit "like"
To the post where I'm promising all that I'll try
To make the words and the plot and the characters fly!
"Mary, please Mary-- let's play with words tonight!"
"I'm going to sleep.  Amy, shut up and write!"


It's just me and Pandora, and the dog curled tight
In a kitchen with only one overhead light.
My feet are both freezing, my bladder clenched hard
As my fingers dance solo over the cluttered keyboard
Two-K and Three-K, I'm blasting right by
Until suddenly I can't keep open my eyes.
As I send Mary my offering, hoping it's all right.
I did what I needed, saw my characters fight,
Had them make up, made it all be all right, 
I hope that it's fresh, not hackneyed or trite,
But mostly I'm proud cause...
 I finally shut up to write.

This One Time, in Korea...

First of all-- WOOT!  You all have really embraced Shiny!, and given that it is an admitted departure from a lot of my work (not to mention my catch phrase!) I couldn't be more excited.  I loved writing the non-angsty, sweet as pie, bless their hearts story of two guys, working shit out.  Not that I'm not working on some heavy duty, making mom cry at the computer angst right now, but sometimes, sweet is just just lovely, isn't it?
 Second of all, I have the YouTube clip of the Fireside Chat with Rhys Ford, Charlie Cochet, and I.  The lovely Ariel Tachna moderated, and, if you watch very carefully, you may be able to watch Zoomboy plot a murder in the background.  Apparently he executed one too, and we're going to watch the fly population very carefully in case there's some retaliation in that quarter.



Fireside Chat--With Ariel Tachna as Moderator

So this week was sort of an anomaly-- we call it "President's week" which means that the kids stay home, the teachers have inservice days, and the parents go, "Qua d'fuc?"  Honestly?  I felt a little bad.  I mean Mate actually had Monday off, and hence The Lego Movie, but for the rest of the week, I had work to do.

However, that didn't stop me with the big kids and it didn't stop me this go round.  I took some time off work (or, rather, stayed up really late all week) and spent one day taking the kids to the zoo and another day taking them to the book store.  Of course, the other two days they were on their own, but still, three days out of five to have an activity isn't bad.  (They barely survived.  My youngest two spawn will self-anihilate if given too much unmedicated time in each other's presence.  Trust me on this.  It is fact.)  But anyway, we went to the zoo, and much hilarity ensued.

The amphibians are unusually active today.For starters, there was the reptile house-- which was fun.  The amphibians were really active-- which, coincidentally, is exactly what I texted to Mary Calmes:  The amphibians are really active today.  

And two seconds later, I checked my Twitter feed, (because I can only watch a giant boa constrictor breathe for so many minutes before I need a shiny squirrel)  and there was this picture here:

Yes, I am aware that turtles aren't amphibians, but you can't deny, the timing was impeccable.

Steve LemursAnyway, that had me in giggle fits, and so did the following clowder of lemurs, which my kids dubbed, "Steve lemurs".  Because, well, they were black and white like Steve the cat.  And because the lot of them wandered around playing, "Can I sleep in the box?" and "Empty? Empty? Empty?" and "My stomach needs more sunlight!"  All of which, as you may have guessed, are Steve the cat's favorite games.  So, there you have it.  Steve lemurs.

This one time in Korea...And then, there was the highlight of any visit to the zoo if Zoomboy is present, and that was the primate cages.  For some reason the orangutans weren't feeling sociable, and the poor cancer ridden tiger was pretty much into pissing on people and walking away.  But the chimpanzees were in fine form-- they just got fed.  So there was lots of talking, and sitting on rocks and reminiscing, and there they were, the old grizzled veterans of the primate cage, eating dry carrots and letting the remnants drop out of their mouths.  For some reason, I was reminded of Damon Suede's accounting of retired firefighters sitting in a bar, telling old war stories.  "This one time, in Korea…"  (Imagine smoke roughened voice and bitter sneer--acted by, but not actually possessed by Damon himself.)  So anyway, there was the big ugly, angry monkey (and again, I know not a monkey!) snarling, "This one time, in Korea…"  And I guess you can fill in the rest.

Communing with the missing
orangutans. And in addition to the primates, we got to see the snow leopard.  Now, the first time by the snow leopard's cage, the rather stand-offish asshole didn't show, but the second time round, oh, he was there.

He was there peeing and looking at us and sneering, and he was there pretending to pounce and then rolling his eyes at us and thinking, "Psyche, assholes, psyche!"

I, of course, was the snarky, bloodthirsty mother, but I was forced to mingle with the good mothers.  One of them was going, "Look what a beautiful kitty!  Do you think he'll play with the mouse and let it go?"

At the same time, I was offering up my own commentary to my children in the form of "Get it! Get the thing! Drink its blood, bite it's head, get it get it get it get it get it!"
Bite its head!
*aherm*  I identify way too much with that snow leopard.  I really do.

Anyway-- so there you have it, a trip to the zoo, followed by a trip to the bookstore wherein the entertainment for the next couple of days was purchased, and after yesterday (gymnastics and a trip out for lunch) they were ready for an underwear day.  Zoomboy actually dropped hot burrito filling on his bare torso-- methinks underwear days may soon be a thing of the past.  There's an object lesson in everything, am I right?

Including consumerism-- because as we walked into the gift store after the zoo, I was immediately taken with those creepy, candy colored stuffed animals with the outrageously big eyes.  That seemed to follow me.  I knew that Squish would want one (and she did) and I was more than grateful that she picked a smaller one, and a lemur.

I have never been so very afraid.Because if I'd brought home one of these babies, the turtle-porn videos I've been getting on FaceBook would never, ever, ever stop.  *shudder*.  I'm telling you… there are unsuspected horrors in that area.  I shit you unit.

And, since I can't remember whether or not I've talked about my heinous traffic boner (I'm thinking yes, but that might have just been on Twitter) I think I shall leave you with this.  It's extremely adorable and very amusing, and for those people who mistakenly tune in for fiber content, it may keep the yarn constipation from beginning.

I know it certainly got my yarn moving in certain directions!  Enjoy!
Yarn bombing