Amy Lane's Blog: Writer's Lane, page 125

People in my neighborhood...

So, the people who get in the swimming pool after my aqua class are sort of awesome.

I may have mentioned the nice man who came running out with balloons to greet the two older women who come exercise in the outdoor pool after the cold winter has passed--and they were out there today.

One of the women is sort of a kick (okay--both of them are a kick, but only one of them is in her eighties and cut hair in a shop dominated by gay men forty years ago and loved them, one and all!)  So she's sort of a salty ol' broad, and we were talking about Facebook and how cute animals came across our feed.

And I started talking about turtles while we were doing some deep water exercises.

And she was busting up!

"So, I gave all the porn kids in my stories pet turtles,"  I said, "and then I found out about turtle penises--do you know about turtle penises? Turtle penises are gross--they're huge black shiny flowers, and after the turtle finishes his business, sometimes they don't go back, and you have to put sugar on them to make them go down, and then KY on them to make them go back and--"

"Yeah," said the man who had brought the balloons.  He was doing laps and passing us as he made his way around the pool.  "That happens to me all the time."

We all laughed so hard we almost drowned.

* * *

And that was not my only run-in with adorable elderly people today.

I was grocery shopping and studying the SHOCKING proliferation of Fiber One products (which is proof that it's a good thing I find the elderly adorable, because I'm damned close to checking that demographic box) when a little old man--bent practically double over his cart-- shuffled past me.

"Uh oh," he said, and I turned to look at him.  "I need to get past you or people will think we color coordinated on purpose."

Sure enough, we were both wearing orange shirts and black pants.

"I wouldn't mind being on your team at all, sir," I said, adoring him.

It's only right that I should.

A Lovely Chat...

So, yesterday, the authors of Tales of the Curious Cookbook got to meet online-- we had a lovely chat, and I work with amazing women, and here you go. Us. Talking. Enjoy. (Sorry about the fucking dogs!)







And Immortal is now on pre-sale at

DSP

ARe

And today, I'm going to the gym (huzzah!) and going grocery shopping (not so huzzah) and spending the rest of the day writing blog posts and essays.

Tomorrow I get to start my Christmas novella. Two guys, working shit out.

My chest is buzzing with excitement--glory, hallelujah, it'll be 50k at most.

*happy sigh*

Peace out!

Beet Porridge and Quickening

Okay-- first of all, Quickening is done-- huzzah!  It needs a last editing pass, some beefing up of the transitions, and then it's going to DSP Productions to lie in dormancy until I'm done editing Bound and Rampant. I. Am. So. HAPPY!

I woke up this morning feeling like a whole new me!!!!

And second of all, today marks the release of Mary Calmes Just Desserts, the final story in the Tales of the Curious Cookbook anthology.  Now, my offering was Food for Thought, and if someone looks at all of the covers, they may notice that one of these things is not like the other.

That's right.

I don't have food on the cover.

Mary asked why. (After singing, "One of these things is not like the other".  A lot.)

The thing is, the food that Emmett and Keegan make in this story is Beet Porridge.  Amber Kell (author of Cookies for Courting ) didn't realize it, but there is such a thing as beet porridge--I've made it myself. It was yummy.  It also looks like it should have floating eyeballs and chickens feet and dead newts and the fingers of birth strangled babes/ditch delivered by a drab floating around.  (Ah, MacBeth--you oh-so-quotable piece of literature, you!)  Anyway-- beet porridge is not that appetizing to look at.

But it was very tasty.

So here, to celebrate the Google chat of the five authors of Tales of the Curious Cookbook, (which is available in print today!) and


in case I haven't posted it before (and I might have-- the blog tour felt like a lot of writing to me) is the recipe for beet porridge.

BEET PORRIDGE-- As seen in Food for Thought

Ingredients:

Five large beets
5-10 chipotle chile bullion cubes
One bag of frozen chicken
One bag of baby carrots
One or two sliced onions
A couple of stalks of fennel
Cilantro-- one bundle, chopped
Various other spices--I used garlic salt, chili powder, and lime juice

Step one: Start a pot with about two inches of water in the bottom to boil with as many of the chipotle chile bullion cubes as you think you can stand.  Throw in the bag of frozen chicken and put a cover on it.

Step two: sauté the onions, carrots, and fennel stalks--you may also add shallots and mushrooms.  I used chicken bullion to sauté the veggies, because it adds flavor and no grease, but if you want to do it in butter, go for it!

Step three: while things are sautéing and getting set to boil, chop up the beets and throw them in the food processor, set to dice. What came out for me was a very fine meal.  I also threw in the fennel fronds, and the result was quite pungent. (Yummy pungent, not skunk weed pungent. Swear.)

Step four: After the frozen chicken is no longer frozen, and is, in fact, cooked, and after the carrots get soft, throw the sautéed veggies in with the chicken, and then throw the beet meal in with all that other stuff.  MIx well. Allow to cook on medium until the chicken falls completely apart.

Step five: Eat!  The results are quite purple--like I said, newts, eyeballs and chicken feet would NOT look out of place here.  But it was VERY tasty.





Now Food for Thought is Amy Lane Lite-- it's adorable, a little sad, but mostly sort of a sweet happy books.  For those of you who like the darker Amy-- in fact, like the dark purple angsty alternative universe Amy-- don't forget that Immortal will be out on May 8th-- so a little more than a week from now. The two stories are as different as chocolate mousse and beet porridge-- but like the food, I hope they're both very tasty :-)

I cannot brain today...

I have the dumbzzzzzzzz….

So, working on Quickening. I shall reach the 200K mark tonight, and probably pass it by.  I MUST finish by May 1st, because all hell will break loose on my desktop then and I need to be done.

Sleep is… not a priority.

It is beginning to show.

This morning I went out to the car and called my husband:

Me: Hey. Bad news.

Mate:  Hit me!

Me: You know how they said we're not supposed to be able to lock our keys in our car?

Mate: Yes?

Me: They lied.

Mate: I'm sorry, I did that.

Me: This is still bad news.

Mate:  I'll be right there.  Do you want me to take the kids to school?

Me: *rather pathetically*  Could you bring me coffee too?

Mate: No.

Me: *sob*

~~~  So, he DID bring me coffee.  And he brought the kids to school.  (Damn Lane kids-- you think they'd do this during STAR test on purpose!) And then he left, with the gentle admonition for me to get some sleep.

And here I am, in front of the computer, trying to get in that one…

…last…

…word….

Oh! Don't forget to contribute to your favorite LGBTQ charity and then comment on diversereader.blogspot.com, and THEN comment HERE for a chance to win books and stuff!

And don't forget…

Immortal-- now up for pre-sale at Dreamspinner Press, and soon up at ARe and Amazon!

Kind of a neat moment & A chance to win swag

Okay-- so RITA nomination, right?

Big deal-- at least to me.

Anyway-- I want to thank a couple of people from my past, so I e-mail the head of the English department at my alma mater and introduce myself, then ask him if he's got a line on two of my old professors.

He got back to me this week.

A. He had an e-mail address, and even if that professor doesn't get back to me, I feel pretty good about telling him thank you.

B. The department head's partner had read one of my books.

I almost had a squee meltdown right then and there.

Seriously-- I assume that very few people in my hometown have heard of me.  Remember my rather silly wish that I'd get recognized in public one day?  (Apparently this post is going to reveal a lot of vanity on my part.  Forgive me.)

But these people had.

I wanted to cry.  It was pretty fucking awesome.

And thought I'd share.

***

And folks, the LGBTQ pushback needs your help!  Go to that post if you can and donate to one of the charities linked there-- lots of authors are donating books for the effort, and if you like, I'll sweeten the pot!  I have lots of… well, stuff lying around the house.  Copies of Wounded and Bound from their original, iUniverse printing, lots of copies of Green's Hill Werewolves Book II, a FUCKTON of keychains, and even some left over yarn bags from a couple of GRLs ago.  Don't even get me STARTED on bookmarks.  Hell, if you throw in a special note, I will even raid my yarn stash.  Don't even get me started on bookmarks. (Oh, holy jebus, the BOOKMARKS!) If you donate to one of those charities and report back to A.J. Rose or Kate Aaron on their blog, come over here to this post and tell me about it.  If you leave your e-mail, I won't even have a drawing, I'll just send you random Amy crap (okay, not appealing, but you get the idea) on a first come/first serve basis. If you have a preference, state it, but NO PROMISES.  And all yarn stash is random whatever the hell I wanna send you stuff. (That being said, I have BEAUTIFUL sock yarn just languishing in the bug-resistant boxes.) But seriously-- I will de-stash myself for this cause, so go donate, tell Kate and AJ about it, and then come brag to me. Leave your e-mail, and on May 3rd (their pushback only lasts until May 1st, so that's two extra days) I will start e-mailing people for their addresses and sending shit out.  So, really, think of it not so much as a chance to give to some really good causes, but as chances to help Amy clean out her drawers. Seriously. I need help. HELP MEEEEEEEEE…..


 Okay, so some awesome folks read some advanced copies of Immortal and loved it. They reviewed it for me on GoodReads, and their reviews made me tear up, and I'm so excited. I mean, I'm at the end of Quickening right now, and  nervous and excited about whether or not I can still write fantasy, and the reaction to Immortal gives me hope! I love writing things like Food for Thought (and the Tales of the Curious Cookbook antho got reviewed in RT for 4*, so that was exciting!) and shorter, lighter novellas. I love writing contemporary too-- all of it makes me happy.  But there are some pieces where you look back and think, "I brought it… I just fucking brought it. I left all my blood on that stage and didn't save a drop for myself."  That was Truth in the Dark. That was The Bells of Times Square and Beneath the Stain. That's this book. All my blood is on the stage here. I hope you find it good ;-)

Before going shopping in Target...

Make sure you are not…

A. Hungry

B. Sleep deprived

C. Stressed

D. In the hallucinatory "writing zone" caused by the above things

E. Sad

F. Substituting your need to knit with an absolute imperative need to replace your rather tatty comforter that your husband never liked anyway with whatever new thing they have in Target that is the opposite of that.

Why?

Because you might-- just might, mind you, not that I have any empirical truth of this--walk out with five bags of Milano cookies and 3 lbs. of M&Ms.

Okay.

I lied.

I might have some empirical truth of this.

but I'm working on eliminating the evidence as quickly as possible.

Random Thoughts About Subjects of which I Know Very Little...

*  I'd like to thank the movie The Book of Life--

A. It was adorable.

B. It represented Mexican culture which not enough of mainstream American art does, and it did it in a positive way.

C. It had two flawed and yet lovable heroes and I rooted for them both. (And, yes, much like in Road to El Dorado I rooted for them both to be together, but that didn't mean the girl wasn't fun too.)

D. It made ZoomBoy love the Mumford and Son's song I Will Wait For You.  That song has some awesome poetry in it, and I don't mind listening to it ad infinitum (and I'm telling you All About That Bass got old quick) and I love the way his face lights up when it comes on.





*  You know how they're willing to build a pipeline from the Alaskan wilderness to fuck-all, so they can rape the land for more petrol?  Why can't we start a public works project to pipe the water that is about to flood the Mississippi big time (because, hello eternal fucking winter up north, right?) into California farmlands to maybe up our water table?  I'll bet if Boehner and Company stop yanking their puds with both hands, we might be able to stop TWO major environmental catastrophes for the price and pud-wanking of one.  (Someone might be able to convince me that the science here is flawed, but they'll never be able to convince me that the pud-wanking is not the source of many, many evils.)

*  Really, Oklahoma?  You want the End of Days THAT badly? Well, when it starts raining blood, frogs, and grasshoppers, we now know who to blame.  (Hint: No gay man in the world drills so far down for natural gas that it causes earthquakes. None. Not a single one. That's actual science, ya know?)

*  My friend Ro sent me chocolate and Tiffany Glass Window bookmarks.  These things feed my soul.

*  Immortal comes out in two weeks.  I ordered magnets last night, and four bags for gift baskets and…

I am SO nervous. It's funny how some books can fuck with your heart, even when there's nothing you can do to change them.

*  Speaking of? I should be done with Quickening in the next week. I'm at 182K right now, and rounding into the final 20.  Like I said the other day-- "Get outta my way kids, mama's got a fuckin' dragon to ride!"

And Gold Medal goes to...

Hey there folks, It's Bob Talksis and Steve Whodat here-- please join us in our umpteenth straight year of the Domestic Industrial Life Duty Ordeals, also known as the Boredom Olympics or B.O. for short.  Today we're checking in on our "Car Servicing" event-- let's see how our daft-letes are doing, shall we?

You know, Bob, we've got a good group of participants today-- front and center we've got Stylish Granny, in the trendy blue flowered cardigan from Nordstrom's with the practical and yet cutting edge Comfort Stride Mary-Jane tennis shoes to round out her twinset. Her equipment of choice is the self-help book, complete with double-edged highlighter/pen combination to help her focus--ooh, this granny has got it going on and is prepared to battle boredom old school style.  Watching her should be slightly better than watching paint dry and slightly worse than watching contestant number two!

I don't know, Steve, contestant number two is Beleaguered Mom of Pre-Schoolers-- and she might just be our winner here.  Of course things have changed since they instituted the "Child's Room" and the mommies have a place to play as well as three battered legos and a wooden train to help them in their--oh! There's the "Kid's Riffling through the Donut Box" foul-- oh folks! That donut got chucked halfway across the room, that's a clear red-card violation and our Beleaguered Mom is outta there!

Oh, Bob! That's too bad, but a donut foul is a donut foul.  Perhaps the next two contestants will put on a better show.  Here we have the Two Old Guys Discussing Politics While Watching the View!  Now this should be good, because Northern California can be redneck central, so let's listen in, shall we?

Old Guy 1: Oh, look. There's Whoopie Goldberg.  I like her. Very funny. 

Old Guy 2: And she's interviewing whosits from Glee!  What a nice lady. Did you see that? She's singing!

Old Guy 1: She's got a good voice, that one. I hear she's a lesbian.

Old Guy 2: Whoopie too. Good for them.

Old Guy 1: Yeah. My granddaughter is a lesbian.

Old Guy 2: Aubergine?

Old Guy 1: Yeah. She's got a girlfriend who makes real good cookies. Tanya. Nice girls, both. Wow, look at Jane Lynch talk--she's a nice lady.

Oh, Steve--that is so disappointing.  So disappointing.

I know, Bob-- I was expecting at the very least some political incorrectness and racial slurs there--what's NorCal coming to when Two Old Guys Discussing Politics can't at least broach the topic of "Why the N-word shouldn't go out of style!"

Well, Steve, gone are the good old days when old white people could just randomly stomp on the feelings of people of color or those in the non-hetero gender spectrum for their own amusement, and some people say it's for the better.  But that's not why we're here today-- we're here to declare a winner, and as sweet and genuine as this little convo is, it is not a winner in the time-honored games of B.O..

So the next contestants here are--oh, these two are making a surprise showing, Bob!  It's Two Middle-Aged Women and a Service Dog!

Points for the service dog, Steve-- that was good thinking. Animals of any kind are good to break the boredom games, but… wait, what are they talking about? Is it cute things the pooch does on the rug? Is it dead things he's rolled in?  No. Oh dear… Steve, I'm so disappointed. They're talking about service dog paperwork. 

This is a disaster!  Oh my God, Bob!  Several onlookers are tracking drool.  Drool, Bob, drool.  The only one who should be drooling here is the dog!

Oh, man!  Steve, you realize who's left in this round don't you?

Yes I do, and it doesn't look good.

Our final contestants in this round of B.O. are none other than Ms. Amy Lane and her daughter Squish.  Now normally, Steve, given that she has no job outside of the home, you'd think Ms. Lane would be a strong contender.

I know, Bob, but she has, in fact, several writing deadlines to chase, so her mind will probably not be in the game.  At this point she's only got a couple of things going for her-- her yarn bag, her phone, and her daughter, Squish, who stayed home today because her tummy was not completely healed.

You know, Steve, Ms. Lane says that, but given that this woman once one these games by building a structure out of donuts and splenda packets, I think that's a likely story coming from this wily former champion.

Well, age dulls even the best of us, Bob, and Ms. Lane freely admits, she was never the best of us. But look-- she is starting out well by bringing in the knitting.  That's very canny on her part-- she always complains that she has no time to knit, and this activity should keep her from being bored for quite some time.

Well, yes, Steve, but usually the knitting is in conjunction with at least two other forms of stimuli-- the television, music, a book, a rousing game of Words-With-Friends?  Today we have only…

The View. Yes, Bob--that was a stunning handicap given to our contestants--it almost constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.  But look! Lane seems interested in the Jane Lynch segment, so that's points in her favor.

Oh yes, Steve--and now she's showing Squish how to make hot chocolate the super fattening way with extra hazelnut creamer.  Oh! And it's too hot! That should provide at least twenty minutes of entertainment!

Oh, Ms. Lane is a canny contender.  She's alternating the knitting with use of her phone--FB, Twitter, she's got it all--but why isn't she using the Kindle ap?

Oh, Steve-- I think it's the Squish factor. See? She needs to periodically check on Squish--and, you know, with the ADHD, too much silence is not a good thing.  Yes, yes, the sporadic conversation with Squish may just save this contestant. See?  There she's nagging about hygiene, there she's asking about Pokemon, and oh! Look! She just cracked a joke and made her daughter laugh!

Bob, I think it's clear--unless this car servicing gig goes an hour overtime and Ms. Lane completely loses her nut, we do have a winner in the time honored games of B.O.!

(Alas, the games did go into overtime, and I'm pretty sure the two sweet old guys reading the funnies won.  However, mom got home and her yarn delivery as well as her chocolate delivery from her beloved Ro had arrived, and Squish and mom had a very nice afternoon :-)

The Stages of Salt-Mining

Vulnerable--1st bookAnyone who has ever worked on a long-term project can tell you that there's a couple of stages:

1-- *WHEEE!!!*  I'm writing a book (or painting a mural or sculpting something out of marble or writing a symphony or whatever your artistic heart embraces) and it's gonna be great and I've got all the time and all the enthusiasm in the world!

2--*pushes up sleeves*  Okay, this is where things get tricky! C'mon, let's fuckin' craft!

3--*swallows grimly and takes another hit of coffee*  I've done this. I've done this. This is a walk in the park. I can totally get this done.

Wounded Vol 14--*whimpers* *nods with trembling lip*  Again? I have to go back again? Just… just a little. If I write/paint/orchestrate just a little today, I shall claim the rest of the day in the name of having a fucking life!

5--*openly sobs* It's just so looooooonnnngg…. I'll be working on this until I daaaaeeeeeeee…. I will never have another project… they'll inscribe this shitty magnum albatross on my fucking tooooooooommmmbb….

6--*crazy eyes*  Oh hell! What did I forget? There's a thing wrong, a thing I missed, a big thing, a thing that will make or break the entire project, where does the thing go, where should I put the thing, oh my God there's more than one thing! I must find the thing/put the thing/fix the thing/ add the thing THIS POJECT WILL STAND OR FAIL ALL ON THE WEIGHT OF ONE FUCKING THING!!!

7--*hysterical laughter*  It doesn't matter. It just doesn't fucking matter! I shall write/paint/craft/orchestrate what-the-fuck-ever because it just. doesn't. matter. *moar maniacal cackling*

8--*looks up from pile of giggling/sobbing hysteria*  Oh. Oh damn. I see… can you see it?  Is there fucking light at the end of the tunnel?

9--*exhausted but focused*  I can see it. I can see the light! I SHALL GET TO THE END OF THE TUNNEL! I SHALL GET TO THE LIGHT! Don't fuckin' bother me kids, I'm riding the fuckin' dragon, I can see the goddamned motherfuckin' LIGHT!

10--*looks around in wonder*  Oh, this is the light. It's, uhm… well, I need to edit. But, well, light.  Light's good.  Light is like having a life. I may get six hours of sleep tonight-- that's swell.

11--*tries to scratch itch between shoulder blades that no regular human on earth can get*  Okay, that project is all very well and good, and we are done with it and in the editing stages, but… but… but…

WHAT SHALL I WORK ON NEXT?

So. For those of you wondering where I am right now as I finish Quickening, the fifth book in The Little Goddess series?

I'm on stage 9.

(Also-- this post relates directly to Immortal because our man Teyth gets stuck on stage nine… and it's a really dangerous time for an artist. It's when we lose ourselves.)

You know that youtube video...

… where the guy is on a bicycle and it's going full speed and then a stick gets stuck in the spokes?

So there I am, thinking, "Dropping kids off at school, going to Weight Watchers, taking car in for maintenance, picking kids up early for dentist appointment, getting them home in time for Zoomboy's dance lessons, getting food for dinner, and then coming home to write…"

That's me. ON a bicycle… see me zoom?

Then Squish: Mom… my stomach doesn't feel good. At all.

That's me. Getting a stick in my spoke and going end over end over end.

So, instead of going ZZOOOOOOOMMMMM through my day, I'm home writing while Squish watches Bob's Burgers.

I bought a fuckton of ginger ale after dropping ZB off at school, as well as a thermometer and a Hello Kitty stuffed toy, because tradition dictates small toy comes with sick day. Just does.

So, Squish is recovering from the stomach flu-- I hope, and me?

I'm still on my back on that figurative street, gazing at the sky and trying to formulate a plan for getting back on the bike.

And here's a mugshot of Squish (seriously-- could she look any sicker, or any more like a wild-haired goddess bent on vengeance?) along with my writer copy of Immortal. The book is beautiful, and Squish is too-- but she's actually more beautiful when she feels better.