M.K. Gibson's Blog, page 2

Am I Sexist for Believing that a Fat Man is Better than a Wonderful Woman? -Or- Has Quarantine Made Me Finally Go Crazy?

Before I go into this comedic rant and/or movie review, please know I don’t take the reason for quarantine lightly. My heart goes out to those we’ve lost and those afflicted/affected. I wish for better times and relief as soon as possible. So with that being said . . .

Oh COVID quarantine, thou art a cruel dick. Sure, there are tons of things to watch on the various streaming services. But just like the Star Wars movie franchise, only about a third of the material is worth your time. (Not you Mandalorian, Rebels, and Clone Wars. You’re perfect just the way you are). But I managed to see one movie I was expecting to like, which I didn’t. And one movie I thought would be laughably bad which I fell in love with. Wonder Woman 1984 and Fatman.

View fullsize

























View fullsize



























- Images from IMDB and Amazon respectively

So let’s start with Wonder Woman 1984, the cinematic equivalent of standing in line at a theme park. You know, two-and-a-half hours of waiting for two minutes of enjoyment.

Like many Americans (suck it the rest of the world who doesn’t have HBO Max) I settled down Christmas evening 2020 to watch the hotly anticipated Patty Jenkins-directed Wonder Woman sequel, Wonder Woman 1984. Based on the trailers, I was ready for the color, the music, and the action of an 80s era superhero blockbuster. Woo!

Then I watched it.

Huh. That--that was a movie. Hmm. Well, to the rest of the world I previously mocked for not having HBO Max . . . it looks like I and the rest of my country are the ones who should suck it.

Look, there are a lot of better think pieces and opinion blogs/movie reviews out there who have already covered this topic. By now I’m sure you’ve seen one of twenty of them. And like everything else in this country, the opinions are as polarized as those ridiculous glasses my mom bought back in the 80s. Damn you QVC.

View fullsize



























- Image from Youtube

So my Bottom-Line-Up-Front review is this: Boredom. Wonder Woman 1984 was total and absolute boredom with occasional moments of actual caring. I told myself that in 2021 I was going to be less critical. To point out positives even when I don’t like something. But, c’mon man, did ya see the movie? Okay, I can do this. Whew. Here we go. This dull as dishwater story . . . damn it . . . this “movie” was an introspective look at an immortal being who feels isolated and alone during the decade of decadence. With wanton avarice, greed, and sexism as the accepted norm, Diana must remind herself that there is no shortcut to life or happiness, And, and sometimes you have to fight aginst those dark forces.

There, I did it!

. . . That being said, it was also a tonal mess that undercut every pro-women message the original movie set up, ironic as this movie was written by Patty Jenkins herself. This film paints Diana as still pining (eh?!) over Steve Trevor, the first guy she ever met/fell in love/slept with/and knew for a total of like seven days, over 60 years prior. So when it came time for her one wish, the educated, beautiful, successful, glamazon wished for her old flame, the one thing she needed to be complete. The movie also has also been lambasted for the non-consensual sexual contact with the body Steve inhabits, as well as propping up middle-eastern people for the skinny white woman to smack around.

Sorry sorry. I’m trying to be better, but New Year’s resolutions are hard. But I’m disappointed since I really dug the first movie. But like I said before, there are far better thinkers than me who have pointed out the virtues and flaws of this movie. For me, I regret to say I nothing this movie. Neither liked nor hated. It falls sadly in that “I’ll likely never watch it again” level of apathetic viewings. Glad that I saw it with an HBO subscription and not in a theater.

But when I was at my lowest, somehow Mel fucking Gibson made me feel hope again.

Wow, I never thought I’d ever write that sentence in my life. Which brings me to another movie I watched very recently, Fatman.

View fullsize



























- Image from IMP Awards

If you haven’t heard of it, or seen the trailer, then here’s the pitch: When a rich/spoiled child gets a lump of coal for Christmas, said evil kid hires a contract killer to assassinate Santa Claus.

I’ll take a moment to let that sink in.

At first, I thought this was going to be one of those R-rated, good-bad movies. A laughable premise that commits to the bit and is entertaining for the run. And, it was that, but so . . . so much more.

You see, this movie had what Wonder Woman didn’t have, heart. Santa, you see, is at a low point. More and more children choose naughty over nice. And as such, fewer toys are made. And as a result, his revenue stream to pay his workers and cover facility costs are cut in half. (Yeah, somehow Santa gets paid by the government. It’s weird, but go with it.) So to makes ends meet, Santa begrudgingly has to accept a military contract.

Look, I know this sounds crazy. But when you see the movie, you’ll soon come to realize that this relatively low-budget indie-flick is a character study that has oceans of pathos under the surface, and it all comes out in the eyes and actions of the lead characters. Mel Gibson’s Santa is a tortured soul that feels like he let down the children of the world. Marianne Jean-Baptiste’s Mrs. Cringle is the rock that holds Santa up. She is his strength and his partner. Their beautifully acerbic dynamic is the heart of this movie. And the always A-game Walton Goggins plays an idiosyncratic hitman who has his reasons for accepting the contract to kill Santa.  

View fullsize



























- Image from TV Fanatic

This, for me, was the movie I needed to see in these times. A tale of someone who struggles. Who loses their identity. Looses what they love. But, finds their resolve, their passion, and their hope once more.

Plus it didn’t have the normally awesome Pedro Pascal reduced to playing an unctuous Trump-parody villain . . . who kinda looked like Bill Murray’s character from Kingpin, Ernie McCrackin.

View fullsize

























View fullsize

But like all opinions, they are subjective. If you love WW84, who am I to say otherwise? I’m glad you liked it! If you saw Fatman and thought it was bad . . . then you are a horrible person without a soul and will likely die cold and alone.

:)

Hope you have an amazing 2021. Live long and strong!

 ~Gibby

I Dream of an Actual Batman Film -or- If I see Another Bruce Wayne Movie I'm Burning This Mother Down

Okay, so . . . damn! The trailer to upcoming The Batman looks good. Real good. I mean, I'm no fan of Sparkles McHufflepuff** but I can't deny that he looks cool and I wanna see this movie.

**Special Note: Please don't suggest any of those gritty, art-house movies starring said actor. I've had many cinephile friends recommend his indie movies, which I then watch . . . and hate. Maybe I'm a basic-B but I despise go nowhere think pieces disguised as character studies. I have a theory that watching too many movies is like excessive masturbation/porn consumption: too much desensitizes you, and you need stranger things to find pleasure. Regardless, to the person who told me The Lighthouse was good: fuck you. Ole Robby P jerking it on screen while DeFoe imitates Mr. Crabs from Spongebob does not a movie make. And no amount of faux Lovecraftian spookiness can replace the time wasted on that black and white abortion.

View fullsize



























View fullsize



























View fullsize



























View fullsize

So back to The Batman! Let's just say . . . I'm leery. Trailers can make people think a movie is going to more than it is. But, we've all been fooled by trailers before. After all, they're a marketing tool meant to get to spend money. And when it comes to Batman in live-action, I feel like I've been burned before.

See, this article came out a couple of weeks ago on Screenrant, "The Batman Explores Bruce Wayne's Trauma In Fun & Surprising Ways." And that didn't sit well with me. There was a specific line in it which read: " . . . he [The Batman co-writer Matt Tomlin] did confirm the story will tackle Bruce's early days operating as the Bat of Gotham. Additionally, he revealed the narrative will revolve around the character's trauma."

Sigh. I--I don't ever need another Bruce Wayne's trauma movie. I'm sorry, I don't. Pretty much every live-action interpretation of Batman has centered around Bruce Wayne's trauma.  

. . . or him ready to quit being Batman for a girl. Seriously, look at this!

And yeah yeah yeah, I know . . . but what about his parents? Their murder is the cornerstone of his trauma and the genesis for Bruce Wayne becoming Batman.

Yawn.

Look, I'm clearly straw-manning this thought. But let me ask you this: Why was Spider-Man: Homecoming such a refreshing take on Marvel's favorite web-slinger? Aside from the MCU magic sprinkled in, there was no rehashing of the Uncle Ben Dies story line. We get it. We're nerds (or at least nerd-adjacent) and the ubiquity of these iconic characters ensures that everyone is aware that Uncle Ben died, Krypton blew up, and Batman's parents got gunned down. And we've seen those movies. A lot. Sad boy Bruce Wayne being so sad he plays dress-up while struggling with his inner pain.

So fun. Blah.

View fullsize

























View fullsize

























View fullsize

On the whole, I prefer the animated Batman movies. Why? Because the bulk of them deal with Batman doing Batman things. Fighting his rogues gallery, solving a crime, and being the dark vigilante we like. And, this is important, he's Batman the vast majority of the time, not an introspective emo puppy.

And, wouldn't be cool if we got a live-action movie that did that? No Alfred telling Master Wayne to get up. No Bruce looking forlorn over his waffles. Just Batman running around Gotham having to do something in the nick of time. You can make it moody. You can make it stylish. Dark and gritty the shit out of it. Hell, throw in a Court of Owls Raptor or a Hush (pick one) taking shots at him, I don't care.

Maybe this movie will do that? The trailer has all the elements I described. But it also has a slowed-down version of Nirvana's "Something in the Way." So . . . yeah, I’m sensing some sad-boy Seattle rain “poor me” on the horizon.

Some folks say that you need Bruce Wayne. You need to see his face to humanize him. And to that I say . . . why? We've had that, plenty of times. Do you know what we've never had? Batman in the cowl for the whole movie. You see, there's this little movie that kicked a lot of ass and went unappreciated in its time. A little flick called Dredd.

 

NO! No that one. This one.

 

Ahh, there it is.

This movie had the balls to cover the beauty that is Karl Urban (don't judge me, we're all allowed one man crush) for the entire movie. This well-paced, contained, gritty, action story not only kicked major ass but served as a prototype of how a Batman movie could be made.

View fullsize

























View fullsize

























View fullsize

























View fullsize

























View fullsize

























View fullsize

So, all humor aside, I'm sure The Batman will be a solid movie and I really am looking forward do it. People laughed in '89 when the comedian Michael Keaton was announced as Batman. They laughed again when the lanky kid from Knights Tale, Heath Ledger, was announced as Joker. So maybe the Crystal Pepsi of vampires will surprise us all.

But I swear to God if I see Thomas and Martha one more time I'm killing them myself.

~ Live Long and Strong - Gibby

Permalink

Breaking Up with Star Wars -Or- It’s Not You, It’s Me

Dear Star Wars,

I heard that The Rise of Skywalker is coming to Disney+ next week just in time for May the 4th (be with you). Clever. You’ve always been clever. I’ve only seen the movie once, back when it was first released in late December 2019. Sadly, I didn’t like it . . . but it was fun.

Maybe fun isn’t enough anymore. Maybe . . . maybe this is time for us to go our separate ways.

It’s not you, it’s me.

See, I grew up loving you. The heroic adventures, the losses, the successes, and the camaraderie of Han, Luke, and Leia were my first exposure to that type of storytelling.

And it’s like they say. You never forget your first.

Image from Cinemablend

When I think about our relationship, back when it was new and fresh, when you were just the original trilogy, it was easy to be blinded by “perfect memories.” It’s hard to set aside sacred nostalgia in lieu of a critical eye. And when I did, I realized that you, well . . . you weren’t great.

But the idea of you was. I think I fell in love with the idea of you. What I thought you were.

Pulp action-fantasy in space? The mystical juxtaposed with the technological? Space wizards and laser blasters? Bounty hunters and lightsabers? Oh, you had me. I can’t deny the impact you had on me and my own writing, especially my Technomancer books.

But as time went on, I had to admit certain truths. That maybe the problem was me. I saw you in a certain way, and when that way changed, I wasn’t willing to change with you.

I loved that come Empire and Jedi, you had the boldness to time jump. I loved the opening first acts, which were amazing mini-movies (Hoth and Jabba’s palace, respectively). But then . . . well, I get kinda bored. Yes, Yoda’s introduction was iconic, as was the exploration of The Force. But let’s be honest, Luke’s three-day training montage and Cloud City aren’t really fun. And don’t get me started on the Ewoks.

Image from Me.me

Now listen, I don’t blame you. You tried. Both flicks have cool moments during their respective down times. Vader at the dinner table? The speeder bike chase on the forest moon of Endor? So cool. But honestly . . . sigh, I didn’t want to tell you this. But this is where I typically fast forward to the hype moments of the respective films. I kinda just wanna see the final Jedi/Sith confrontation.

Damn. It seems like I’m blaming you. And maybe . . . maybe I am. These feelings are natural. No relationship is perfect. After all, I have been seeing other franchises. None as beloved as you! But I wanted to be honest.  

And if I’m being honest, I feel you’re partly to blame.

Don’t look at me like that. You took the the beloved scoundrel Han Solo and . . . turned him into a plot device. During the bulk of Jedi, he just stands there and overreacts to events. Sure, he helped bring down the shield generator, but he wasn’t pivotal. He’s all trembly, kinda scared, and . . . oh. Oh shit. You . . . you turned him into the Ron Weasley of Star Wars.

You did this!!!!

And that’s in addition to all the other silly shit you did. What? You know what I’m talking about. Luke and Leia kissing just to make them brother and sister ring any bells?  

When the prequels came, I wanted them to be good. And . . . well, they were what they were. I liked some parts, but bad acting, worse dialogue, and a dumb-as-fuck plot about trade federations? Come on.

I know it was supposed to serve as the backdrop to the fall of Anakin and rise of Palpatine, but it was a stilted CGI-set mess and you know it. Come Revenge of the Sith, I kind of wished I was one of those younglings that Anakin butchered.

I’m sorry. That was cruel. But it’s how I felt.

I missed the old, mysterious you. The one who said cool things but never explained them, leaving me to fill in the gaps. I think back on our early days, of the beloved original trilogy, with such fondness, flaws and all.

You were so bold. So fresh. A New Hope, while following the classic story structure, was also an exemplary teaching tool of “show, don’t tell.” You didn’t explain anything. Stormtroopers, Darth Vader, Galactic Senate, Rebel Alliance, droids, and more in the first five minutes with nary an explanation. And that’s before we even get into The Force, Lightsabers and whatever the hell a Kessel Run was.

That was you. Uncompromising.

But over the years, you changed. Maybe that’s what happens－the longer you’re with someone, you lose that sense of mystery. And in this time you went out of your way to explain yourself. You licensed yourself out to countless books that sought to explain . . . hell, every stupid nuanced fucking thing.

Sure, sure. Some were kinda fun, I won’t lie. It honestly was nice to see some further adventures of the old gang. But there came a point when it was too much. And instead of drawing back, you doubled down.

Midichlorians? Really?

Image from Quickmeme

Hell, two of the modern movies you recently made were nothing but explaining yourself. Rogue One was a story about a “plot hole” no one cared about. Sure, it was fun overall. But there was only one character worth caring about, the droid K-2SO. Those other chumps might as well have been a nameless D&D adventuring party for all the personality, and lack of camaraderie, you gave them.

And Solo? Really? You’re telling me that everything about Han, from his name, gun, ship, Chewbacca, and Lando, all happened over the course of a week and he never evolved since? Yes, I’m being hyperbolic . . . technically he got his name when he enlisted and the rest came two years later. But really “I have no people” = “Hmm, Han . . . Solo.”

God, you’re a douche.

I’m sorry. I take that back.

You did create The Clone Wars and Rebels, after all. And once more, you had me. Character development. Pulp-action story style. Mixing the magic and the tech. Stakes. Imagery without explanation. It was . . . well, it was perfect.

But then you made “the modern trilogy,” and it was like our relationship was just going through the motions. Worse, you sacrificed actual adventure for mystery boxes. And let’s not kid ourselves. Desert planet? Droid with a secret? Protagonist in robes that becomes a Jedi? A death star-like weapon? You know damn well The Force Awakens followed New Hope’s plot and imagery. But yes, it was nice to see you again after all this time. And yes, I admit it, I really liked Rey. She was affable and fun to watch. Hell, I even kinda liked Kylo Ren.

And then . . . then The Last Jedi came. The cinematic equivalent of a surprise finger in the ass during sex.

Image from The Great Outdoorsman

Moreover, it felt like you went off to college, took freshman-level poli sci and philosophy classes, and came back an insufferable know-it-all. Capitalism, war profiteering, and the nature of man? Gasp. How intellectual of you. But you ham-fisted your thesis into a pulp space opera populated by knights, princesses, and rogues. Why?

I mean, if you had originally started that way, more like Star Trek, where social thought and science was the crux of the adventure, I wouldn’t have minded. But it felt like you adjusted your black-rimmed glasses, affixed your beret, tossed your scarf over your shoulder, and then with a few narrative strokes of your pen, abandoned the love of your legacy characters and the love of adventure in lieu of a preachy narrative that . . .

Sigh. You know what, never mind. That’s not the point of this letter. You tried something new and it was what it was. And what it was wasn’t for me.

The point of this breakup is simple. There are parts of you I will always love. And there are parts I could never love. In the end, I will never forget the laughter and love we shared and will always cherish our time together.

But you see, I’m a man now. I have a family of my own. I even recently tried telling my eight-year-old old son about our relationship by showing you to him. Honestly, he was a bit bored. And frankly, I can’t blame him. A New Hope is a slow burn. And he’s seen so many other shows and movies that stood on your back that the spectacle isn’t the same for him.

Which is what Rise of Skywalker was. A complete spectacle devoid of anything to say. It was fun. But like our relationship, I didn’t like it.

Sigh. I wish you well, Star Wars. I hope you have nothing but success with your new adventures. And if I’m being honest, I’ll stalk you online from time to time. I’ll watch your new stuff. Just try to remember you’re not Star Trek, or any other sci-fi. Be the you I know you can be.  

But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever love you again.

Image from Quickmeme

Scorsese Doubts Marvel Movies as Cinema? -or- Hating Popular Things to Sound Cool

An old adage of mine is simple and goes something like this: “Are you being critical, or are you just an asshole?” And I recently added the follow-on caveat of: “And if so, are you one of those assholes who hates things just because they’re popular?”

Image from Know Your Meme

Recently, acclaimed filmmaker Martin Scorsese came out against the wave of comic movies, citing Marvel in particular, as not being “cinema” (HERE). The legendary filmmaker went so far as to refer to the genre as being “theme parks”, as they (Marvel Movies) are not “the cinema of human beings trying to convey emotional, psychological experiences to another human being.”

Wow. Those are some weighted and profound words. And If I were to be a touch catty, I would ask: was it cinema when he directed Jonah Hill to simulate jerking-off a prosthetic penis to (presented as a sex object) Margo Robbie in The Wolf of Wall Street? You know, the same movie that opens with DiCaprio snorting cocaine off a hookers ass, enjoys a nice round “dwarf-bowling”, and flaunts Caligula levels of kinky sex.

And yes . . . I own this movie :)

Image from Imgur.com

Full disclosure, I like the MCU/comic genre of movies and Scorsese’s words rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t like all comic flicks, and I also like/love some of Scorsese’s movies (Gangs of New York being one of my all time favorite movies) . . . but not all of them.

So when (some of) the internet balked at Scorsese’s comments, he doubled down a few days later. (HERE). On the back of that, celebrities like Jennifer Aniston have purportedly claimed that Marvel movies (and I assume the genre) have diminished what is available in terms of acting projects. But hey, that Netflix rom-com murder mystery movie is getting a sequel, so good for her.

But what really struck me as interesting was the wave of vocal supporters for the Goodfellas director. Not because of what he said, the man has a right to his opinion. After all, he’s been been involved with bringing movies to the silver screen since 1959. He’s earned his opinion. (One which is not new) No, what struck me as odd was the vitriol at which some people railed against the Disney-owned Marvel. The venom they spewed was hateful, cruel, and barbaric.

Basically how everyone who is not a New England Patriots fan reacted when The Pat’s won their last Superbowl. … But seriously NE people, y’all are really freaking annoying. You know that right? You are the definition of Sore Winners. There’s a reason people don’t cheer for you.

Image form Golf Digest

As all this went on, pop-culture websites and YouTube channels did as they do, covered the nothing-burger in order to gain clicks and views. Some called the situation a case of old man yelling at clouds. Some said Scorsese was trolling, or that he was jealous of MCU’s success. And as I ingested these comments and views, I started to believe that this wasn’t just an old school movie maker attacking modern trends. I think there are two issues at play.

The first, and actually least important, is: The Natural Reaction to Popular Things.

I’ve always been interested in the phenomena of why people hate on popular things. What is it that makes us, as humans, balk against whatever is popular? I think we’ve all heard, or said, something akin to:

That’s not real music!

You call that art?

You’re so basic!

You eat what? Do you even know what good food is?

That show is so overrated!

The book was better!

Pumpkin spice?!

But why do we do that over something subjective? What is it about things that are beloved by the populace, or at least perceived to be loved, that makes some people so angry? There is a term in psychology called normative social influence (HERE) that basically says that there is an effect due to inherent tribalism that makes people “go with the flow” even if they don’t like something. A communal sense of belonging. In other words, conformity. Another aspect is the mere-exposure effect (or familiarity principle) which as the name suggests, is the more one is exposed to a thing, the more comfortable and accepting they are of it.

Conversely, Rebellion in Group (HERE) is also natural. The thought that rebellion is a strategy of social action to overthrow the group's status quo or to adamantly oppose its revision. Beyond simple rebellion, is the iconoclast. Or, those who feel it is their imperative to tear down idols and to attack cherished beliefs or institutions. 

You know . . . like assholes.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. The need to challenge the status quo is a necessity for change, good or bad, to occur. And such actions, leaders, and thinkers are a vital part of society. That being said, lifting something up doesn’t mean you have to push something down.  

Another way of thinking about it is: sometimes you have to burn down the old to make way for the new. Conversely, some people just want to see the world burn.

Image from Know Your Meme

When the MCU began with Iron Man, people were skeptical. As the movies grew and became interconnected, people smiled. As they grew further into overlapping properties and team-up movies, they broke bank records and people cheered. But as the juggernaut continued to dominate and grow, that’s when the caution flags started going up. Bitter words were spoken. And then tribalism reared its ugly head.

Looking back on Scorsese’s comments, I honestly don’t think folks are trying to argue that comic movies/MCU are “high art”. I think people were balking at the dismissive, pejorative manner in which Scorsese’s words came across. But, I don’t think his comments fall into the natural rebellion model--while the jabbering squawks of the MCU haters and trolls do. No, I think there is more to it. Something deeper.

This brings me to the second part: Fear of Change.

In 2017, at the MCM London Comic Con, Anthony Mackie, “Falcon” in the MCU, was interviewed on a panel. During the interview (HERE), I think he hit the nail on the head. He said: “People used to go see the Stallone movie. People used to go see the Schwarzenegger the movie. Now they go see “X-Men”. The evolution of the superhero has meant the death of the movie star. And that’s the fear now.” Further in the interview, Mackie admits that the cost of the theater experience has gone up, while home theater technology has gone down. Coupled with other forces, that creates a disinterest to going to the movies. Or, as some think-pieces have said, the death of the cinema. Many of which would like to lay the blame at feet of superhero movies.

Perhaps these factors were what Mr. Scorsese was getting at. The fear of a named franchise destroying the implied artistic standard? A model which has been prevalent since the beginnings of the superstore overtaking “Mom and Pop Shops”. I’ve briefly written about the subject before (HERE). I was warned when I started writing books that stand alone novels were nice, but people came back for the franchises. Recognition and familiarity of characters were what made people come back. And let’s be honest, short of James Bond or Star Wars, no one else has built a franchise in name and scope quite like the MCU.

When it comes to our preferred entertainment, and the perceived value they bring, the result is almost always the same. Some may see the work as less, while others might see it as more. Inspiration comes from many places. Often in the most unique and bizarre ways. Sure, the comic genre might be a CGI nightmare of spandex and punching to some, but others might see the struggle of a hero an be inspired.

So, long story short, are the MCU movies cinema? Well, in the film-studies major, self-professed prestige-piece aficionado, tiny fedora-wearing sense . . . likely not.

Image from MeMe

But, do they “convey emotional, psychological experiences to another human being”? For some, without a doubt. For others, no, they’re just fun. The level of which comes down to human subjectivity vice a standard metric.

So, I end this rambling pseudo-intellectual think piece with this, as I often do: like what you like, love (who) what you love, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. Those who try and shit on what you like, instead of just minding their own business and just liking what they like, are as I said earlier: assholes.

Image from NME.com

Permalink

The Princess Bride IS Due for an Update -or- Remake Everything and Let Capitalism Sort it Out

“I felt a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices cried out in terror…”

~ Ben Kenobi

 “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

~ George Carlin

Image from Amazon

I’m just going to come out and say it: I honestly don’t give a shit if they remake The Princess Bride. In fact . . . I kinda hope they do. Unpopular opinion, I know. And not one born from a desire to troll (even if its a teeny bit fun :) ). Just a personal opinion. Others may disagree, and that’s fair.

When I heard the talk about a possible remake, my honest first thought was: Oh, that would be cool. Then while mindlessly checking social media, I saw that the internet had lost its fucking mind. I sighed. Angry people brandishing digital pitchforks and torches shouldn’t surprise anyone at this point.

I thought of a simpler time, when the internet was for research, chat rooms, free music, and a bountiful cornucopia of porn. Alas, the ubiquity of social media on every device allows for every stray thought and opinion of others to be slammed directly in front of your eyes. What’s worse, is that online “journalism”, and even the traditional news cycle, harvests the overly-opinionated online angst like ripe crops, and shoves it back into the proverbial mouths of whatever like-minded/politically affiliated base they pander to. All in the name of clicks-to-ad revenue. (And you thought they shared your beliefs, didn’t you? Tsk tsk ;-) )

But back to the topic at hand. Once I pushed through the countless memes and legion of venom-spewing Princess Bride purists, I really had to ask myself: why not? Sure, I liked the movie. Hell, at one point in my youth, I had it memorized, word-for-word, down to the sound effects. But, what if they did remake it? Or reimagine it? That could be cool.

What if they turned The Princess Bride as a space opera? Warring interplanetary kingdoms. Westley could become a space pirate? Vizzini could planet-hop with Buttercup and Westley has to track them across various systems. Miracle Max could live on a Dagobah planet? Even the life-sucking torture scene with Count Rugen could happen on a space station that Indigo and Fezzik needed to infiltrate?

Or maybe as a 30’s prohibition era gangster movie? That could be a neat setting. Westley could be a returning war hero turned PI/cop that has to track down BC from an Al Capone-like Humperdinck?

See, I’m one of those weirdos who likes when they remake old(er) things. Movies, songs, TV, etc. I think it can be a fun way to revamp a classic for a modern audience. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Musically, I love “All Along The Watchtower” by Jimi Hendrix (originally by Bob Dylan), “Hurt” by Johnny Cash (originally by Nine Inch Nails), “Ring of Fire” by Social Distortion (originally by Johnny Cash), and “Over the Rainbow” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole (originally by Judy Garland) just to name a few.

Video games get remade all the time. Bringing classic games to modern consoles for newer generations to appreciate. They fix jenky controls, make it visually appealing, and next thing you know, the old is new again.

In movies, Oceans’ 11 is a good example of a remake. And some folks even liked Ocean’s 8. While Ghostbusters 2016 was divisive, Disney remains rife with remakes (Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, etc). And of course there is Conan with Jason Mamoa . . . which is NOT a good example.

Heh, I bet Aquabro wishes he woulda made that flick (BROnan?) now, while his star power is high as opposed to then. But, it was Apr 2011 when GoT Season 1 came out, and August 2011 for Conan. So, Drogo gonna Drogo.

Image from IMDB

She-Ra recently made a return on Netflix, with a Kevin Smith helmed He-Man on its way. Some folks bitched about it. But, my 7yr old son and I watched some of the She-Ra eps and he thought it was kinda cool.

But its always funny, to me, when the overtly vocal folks become SO ENRAGED when a movie/TV studio dares to touch something special to them. You know who I’m talking about.

“They did what???!!!! How dare they! #NOTMY[INSERT THE MEDIA THAT MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL AND OR UNIQUE HERE]”

And it isn’t because I’m “above it”. I’m not really enlightened, or pretentious. I damn sure don’t use the words “Film” or “Cinema” to describe movies. I can even like a bad/over-hyped movie because it was “fun” (Looking at you Avenger’s Endgame. Great character payoffs with a dumb-as-F plot) And for shit’s sake, I love (and own) the extended cut of Hansel & Gretel Witchhunters. So clearly, I’m no freaking authority on what’s “good”.

Image from Amazon

The reason I don’t care about remakes is simple. Ready for the secret? Shh, I’ll whisper it to you: The originals still exists. No one snuck into the night and destroyed all the copies of the thing you like.  

Crazy, I know.

Maybe it boils down to it purists. People who staunchly say: “The original is the best!” And you know what, a lot of times, they’re right. And sometimes, subjectively, they’re very much wrong. Perhaps their slogan should really be: “The original is what I know best, and I don’t want someone saying the newer version is just as good/better than what I know best because . . . reasons!”

Admittedly, that’s a bit too long for a slogan.

Hell, while we’re at it, I firmly believe that the Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings movies should be remade. Yeah, I said it. Sure, Fellowship is still pretty solid, as the bulk is filmed with minimal green screen, on location, and with tactile props. But there are certain scenes in that flick--especially more so in the other two--that look like a bad video game cut scene. And there is no real fault per se. It’s just that CGI has come a long way from when those movies were filmed. Obviously they did the best they could with what they had at the time, but certain crucial scenes have not aged well. It is really obvious what’s real, what’s a sound stage, and what is really dated CGI. To watch those now, the nostalgia goggles must be thick to ignore some cringy bits.

Image from Amazon

Plus, a remake could make Gimli cool and not a buffoon for comedic relief

Obviously the argument can be made that entertainment media doesn’t need remakes or re-imaginations, they need original ideas. And I agree. Everyone has heard the expression “Hollywood is out of ideas.” But sadly, there is an axiom that rings true across most mediums, and one I learned early on in my writing career. And that is: stand-alone or new properties don’t sell well. Franchises are what brings people back for more.

Of course there are exceptions. Recent original, non-franchise, non sequel movies like Get Out and Us, garnered a lot of attention on the back of Jordan Peele’s fame. And Us was in the top 20 box office hits this year, #8 in fact. But here are the others, see if you notice a trend:

Avengers: Endgame - Sequel

Lion King - Remake

Toy Story 4 - Sequel

Captain Marvel - Technically new/standalone

Spider Man: Far from Home - Sequel

Aladdin - Remake

It: Chapter 2 - Sequel

Us - Stand alone

John Wick 3 - Sequel

Fast & Furious Hobbs & Shaw - Spin off Sequel

How to Train Your Dragon 3 - Sequel

Secret Life of Pets 2 - Sequel

Detective Pikachu - Stand Alone/loose re-imagination of Game Boy Game

Shazam - Technically new/standalone

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood - Stand Alone

Dumbo - Remake

Glass - Sequel

Godzilla King of Monsters - Sequel

The Upside - Stand Alone

Lego Movie 2 - Sequel

Point is, creating something “new” is hard. Many writers, story resources, and the like, have their own opinion, but the boiled down story basics and story conflict are as follows (and nearly every story is a mix and match of the following):

 Story Basics:

Comedy

Journey and Return - A story about transformation

Overcoming “A Monster”

Quest - From point A to point B.

Rags to Riches

Rebirth or renewal

Tragedy

Story Conflict:

Person vs. Fate/God(s) 

Person vs. Nature

Person vs. Person

Person vs. Self

Person vs. Society

Person vs. Technology

Person vs. the Unknown/Extraterrestrial

 As Mark Twain put it:

“There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of colored glass that have been in use through all the ages.”

So, long story short, I don’t care if a movie, music, show, whatever gets remade. Is it “boring” or “unimaginative”? Maybe. Depends on the finished product.

I’m not trying to convince someone that should/shouldn’t care, or think the way I think; that’s a fool’s errand. Obviously there are far more important things in the world to worry about then a remake of a movie. Entertainment is just that, entertaining. It can distract us from horrors and stress. And, it can even enlighten when done right (or be a heavy handed punch in the metaphorical mouth).

But when done right, a nice remake or re-imagining can be something pretty cool.

Westside Story is Romeo and Juliet,

10 Things I hate about you is Taming of the Shrew,

Apocalypse Now is Heart of Darkness,

Lion King is Hamlet,

O Brother Where art Thou is The Odyssey,

Clueless is Jane Austin’s Emma,

Young Frankenstein is a comedic spoof of Frankenstein,

The Force Awakens is clearly a reskin of Star Wars: A New Hope

Heh heh. Oh, and don’t forget that The Princess Bride WAS a book published in 1973, written by William Goldman.

Image from Building a Library

Point is, if you Google best remakes or song covers, you’ll find some really neat stuff you may not have known. So, why sholdn’t The Princess Bride be remade?

 . . . unless you think about it as:

a white girl, with limited agency, who is an object to be won. A prize, if you will, that is battled over by two classic stereotypes of (toxic) masculinity. Coupled with the sheer lack of ethnic diversity, the movie does show its age and biases. Come to think of it, I think Mandy Patinkin is a Chicago-born Jewish man . . . playing a Spaniard?! (ouch!). And Billy Crystal and Carol Kane are doing some kind of mockery of the elderly. Not Cool. And what the fuck is a “Holocaust” cloak? Hmm? If they meant flame-resistant, then say that. And wait . . . didn’t Westly like . . . kill tons of people as a pirate? He’s the hero? Even more, he barely knew Buttercup and left her to find his fortune while she minded the farm? Then got indignant when after 5 years she moved on? Uh-uh! She isn’t property.

You know what. Fuck this movie and any potential remake!

From Giphy

 :) Well, that was a bit of lighthearted fun. So in the end, love what you love, and don’t let anyone tell you different. Besides, we can attack the REAL problem. Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds wanna remake Clue!

Permalink

My Marvel Movie Rankings . . . Because . . . Why Not?

Yeah, this sure is original. Yup. Because no one else ranks the Marvel movies. (read: sarcasm ;-) ) But, thanks to THIS QUIZ (which I took while bored), it made it fun an easy. So without further ado, here it is, Gib’s Woefully-Behind-The-Times Marvel Movie List.

Note 1 - The app I used asked “Which would you like to watch RIGHT NOW”. So when compiled I agreed that #23 - #16 were tedious to watch. #15 - #11 were “oh, that’s on? I’ll watch it”. And #10 - #1 are the ones I get a excited to watch again.

Note 2 - All my comments are just my opinions. If you take them negatively then . . . they’re a joke? :)

Note 3 - All images from Marvel

#23 T

he Incredible Hulk -

No one’s favorite. Well, except maybe that one weird friend likes to be a contrarian a-hole.

#22 Ant-Man - Sorry, the Baskin Robbins joke/Louis Pena didn’t make me laugh. Maybe I’m dead inside. But to me, Paul Rudd is as exciting as getting a new towel set. He’s fine/funny in the bigger ensemble movies though. Small roles . . . because he’s Ant-Man.

#21 Iron Man 2 - I hated the bird. I hated the plot. Seriously, dying of ARC reactor poisoning is a 3rd movie plot, not a 2nd! RDJ is charismatic, so, that was fun at least.

.

#20 Thor: The Dark World - Higher than the others? Yeah, I know this flick isn’t good. But Loki/Thor are charming and Thor was my fav growing up.

#19 Ant-Man & The Wasp - The team-up was more fun this time around. But, again, It’s the Paul Rudd towel set analogy. But now with matching washcloths. But hey, at least Wasp was better than Ant-Man in every way.

#18 Black Panther - Aside from cultural impact, the movie, to me, was a paint-by-numbers story. And, if I’m honest, it fell short of what it could have been. Especially when considering Coogler/MBJ’s other collaborations.

#17

Captain Marvel - My review (CLICK HERE) sums up my feelings on this movie. I felt that it reached for greatness, but didn’t have a seasoned hand to get it there. But, there a certain charm to Superhero movie: The Movie.

#16 Spider Man: Far From Home - What? Middle of the pack? Yeah. I was honestly bored through some of it. The teen drama was like a not funny Eurotrip. The movie had its moments, but nothing that made it exceptional. The growing out of (and into?) Tony’s shadow was touching though.

#15 Thor - As I mentioned earlier, growing up, Thor was my fav. And I was stoked for this flick. And . . . it was fine. That’s it.

#14 Iron Man 3 - This movie, sigh. It breaks so much established continuity. Ran out of power? What does that thing in his chest do then?! Anyway, I liked the comedy & action. Mandarin twist was fine.

#13 Avengers: Age of Ultron - I kinda liked this flick. I liked the banter. I liked the action. I liked the Scarlet Witch a lot. Some folks give it crap, but there is a good chance they’re a-holes. :)

#12 Doctor Strange - Goatee? Arrogant? Yes. Tony? No. Something about this generic-yet-trippy origin story makes me smile. Maybe because he’s a chump through most of it? Sadly, Rachel McAdams was wasted

#11 Iron Man - Not in the top 10?! Sorry? Blame the app I used. I do love this movie. The entire MCU is the Ballad of Tony Stark. But, come on, it’s a guy in a suit punching a villain in a similar suit. But, it was funny and had great action!

#10 Guardians of the Galaxy 2 - I love me an ensemble, and the Guardians are great. Now, full disclosure, I didn’t care about Ego/Peter’s arc. But, it got me to Rocket/Yondu & Peter/Yondu. And THAT hit me in the feels. Which is why it cracks the top 10.

#9 Avengers: Endgame - What is there to say? I HATED the plot. But I LOVED the emotional payoffs. And as the final note of The Ballad of Tony Stark played, I nodded. You can rest now Tony . . . sniff.

#8 - Thor: Ragnarok - What a remarkable tonal shift. I laughed. I had fun. I threw up the devil horns to Immigrant’s Song . . . both times. There were some dumb things, and it broke continuity. But man, it was pure fun.

#7 Spider-Man: Homecoming - Hands down, full stop: best (live-action) Spider-Man movie ever. (Spiderverse was awesome!) Keaton’s Vulture might be the best villain in the MCU.

#6 Avengers - Still, one of the best MCU flicks with great team chemistry, dialogue, action, humor and heart. And, without a doubt, the WORST Captain America uniform. See there in the poster how they hide him behind Thor?

#5 Avengers: Infinity War - The Empire Strikes Back of the MCU. Not only a great job juggling so many characters, but great drama and fun to watch. Sure, Pete dissolving is sad. But RDJ wiping the Spider-dust away was a metaphor for all Stark’s goals and efforts. A man seeing ultimate failure. Bravo.

#4 Captain America: The First Avenger - No, I’m not crazy. I love this movie. Growing up, I hated Cap. And in no way expected the jock with a banana in his ass from Not Another Teen Movie to impress me. I was wrong. Evan’s earnest portrayal won me over. And, the good guy kinda loses in this one.

#3 Captain America: Civil War - Some would call this Avengers 2.5. I call it awesome. Zemo and his personal revenge plan was the cornerstone for a personal story. Both Cap and Tony’s. Bonus in that this was the best portrayal of Black Panther.

#2 Guardians of the Galaxy - As you can see by now, personal stories hit home with me. And when this movie was pitched, folks scoffed. When it opened with a dying mom, they gasped. The comedic flow from broken person to broken person captivated me. And ending in a dance off? Well, it won me, and most of the world, over.

#1 Captain America: The Winter Soldier - Wow. To think the directors of this movie used to make Community episodes. This flick is an amazing call back to the classic spy thriller. But, amid the cat and mouse games, the human element was always there, keeping things personal, grounded, and in short: the BEST (imo) MCU movie to date.

Permalink

The Thin Line Between Fan and Fanatic -or- Did Game of Thrones Let Us Down?

Online Meme

Yes, you are allowed to criticize art. Let me repeat this because apparently it needs to be said. YOU, the consumer of commercial art, a packaged, polished, and highly produced product, are allowed to give your opinion, comment, praise and/or criticize the thing. Especially if you paid for it. Shocker, I know.

Like many people, I watched the final season of Game of Thrones. And I was disappointed. I’ve written previously about the off-screen jet packs and rocket powered ravens for the last couple of seasons, but I held off writing anything more until after the dust settled on this season. And what I saw, in my opinion, was a very beautifully shot, well acted, highly rushed piece of commercial art.

In my opinion, the nuance and pacing of the first few seasons had been cast aside for the sake of spectacle and the desire to just cross the finish line. It reminded me of a horny idiot just wanting get to laid. The kind of person who thinks looking good trumps substance, and that foreplay is waste of time.

Image from MTV’s Jersey Shore

But after the final episode was over I saw fans online getting upset. And weirder still, was the media backlash to fan outrage. And as of this writing, the Change.org petition to remake the final season of GoT has reached over 1.6 million signatures. Now, I’d like to think these people know that that will never happen and are just expressing their displeasure as fans of show that concluded a 9-year journey as shadow of its former glory. But this piece isn’t really about Game of Thrones. It’s about fan reaction to the entertainment that they love and the perceived problem with fan outrage.

Before I dive in, let me be CRYSTAL CLEAR: I do NOT believe the fans have the “right” to dictate how a creator should craft their work. No matter how invested they are. BUT, fans do get to express their opinions about how they receive said work. And said creators should also remember the expression: don’t bite the hand that feeds.

I’m looking at you Rian Johnson.

In my mind, a creator doesn’t get to hide behind their “art” when fans become upset. Especially when said art is, as I said in the opening paragraph, a packaged, polished, and highly produced commercial product meant for mass consumption. Mainly because when making a comic, a movie, a book, a song, or a video game, the creator has to decide if said creation’s subject matter or style is meant for a wide audience or a smaller, more niche audience.

I expressed this opinion the other day on social media while discussing the finale of Game of Thrones. And, oh my, by the reaction I got from some folks, you’d think I’d defended Harvey Weinstein. It went a little something like this:

 “Who the fuck are you to question the artist?!”

“The one who consumes it and/or pays for it.”

“Oh, like your fucking HBO subscription gives you the right to tell them to reshoot he whole season? Fucking entitled manbaby!”

“No, it gives me the right to say I was upset, and that it seems like they rushed it in order to go over to Disney and start the next Star Wars movie.”

“And how the fuck would you know? Hmm? Are you their fucking agent?”

“No, but I do have Google”

4 Jan 18 - HBO Confirms Game of Throne Won’t Air Season 8 Until 2019

6 Feb 18 - Star Wars Confirms Game of Throne Weiss and Benihoff to Write & Produce New Star Wars Trilogy

15 Mar 19 - HBO Confirms Season 8 Shortest Season So Far

14 May 19 - Benioff and Weiss Star Wars in 2022

“They’re the artist and you’re not!”

“Funny, because when they were drowning in cash from their checks, Blu-Ray sales, and license deals for video games, t-shirts, and Funko Pops, no one said shit about artistic integrity. Seems like that expression only gets thrown around when the populace has a negative reaction to some kind of entertainment media.”

“And if a band changes their sound, fans can tell them to go back?!”

“No, fans can stop listening.”

“So the artist can’t grow?!”

“No, they can. Hopefully they cultivate an audience that grows with them.”

“You must want the Hollywood ending for everything!”

“I don’t care how something ends, as long as the story is developed in a way that feels earned.”

“Fuck you edgelord!”

“Enjoy your next tumblr rally asshole.”

The argument has raged on forever: who owns the art, the artist or the people? And obviously the answer is: the artist. But, the artist needs to remember that they got to that elevated level, because of the fans. I think that there are certain creators (and celebrities) who have lived on a pedestal for so long, they’ve forgotten the very people who put them there, who called them exceptional, and who threw their hard-earned money at them. The fans lifted them from obscurity and made them “special”.

They forgot that they were the lucky ones.

Because frankly, there are millions of creators out there with amazing ideas. Yes, there is a lot of hard work that goes into creating something, and harder work still to market and promote. As an indy SFF writer, trust me, I know. And having months (or years) of work dismissed with a shitty comment or pissy review is heartbreaking. But, at the end of the day, there is a still a shit-load of luck involved when it comes to being noticed.

So for those famous folk who need a little reminder of humility, remember the words of the bard Kendrick Lamar: Bitch . . . be Humble

So when I see creators clapping-back at the fans while simultaneously clutching at their pearls,gasping: “how dare you?!”, well, to that I say, “enjoy the way down.” Because one thing the masses enjoy almost as much as celebrating victory, is the schadenfrude when the exalted fall.

But with all that said, there is of course a limit to a fan expressing their displeasure. As a writer, I’ve had many people leave reviews that have been incredibly toxic. But that comes with the territory. I was told by friends and colleagues to “get a thicker skin”.

But, at NO POINT, should a displeased fan reach out via the internet (or in real life) and issue threats of any kind. Normally that kind of thing doesn’t need to be said. But, less folks think this blog is all about fan empowerment, let me be clear on another point: There is no formal contract between creator and consumer. It sucks, I know. You buy their stuff, they cash the checks. That’s it.

But, if they are smart, the creator will listen to feedback and use that to help shape their work, rather than being beholden to it. They should consider what is best for the story and their fan base, not their ego.

**Oh, and the words “subverting expectations” should die in a lake of fire. That concept is not new, and it isn’t quirky, witty, insightful, or pithy to toss around. Hell, at this point, “subverting expectations” IS the new “Hollywood ending”.**

For those who think this level of fan outrage is a product of the current generation due to the internet, allow me to point you at the way back machine. In 1893, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle killed off his creation Sherlock Holmes, and man, fans were pissed. And after 8 years of pressure, Doyle released Hound of the Baskervilles, set when Holmes was still alive. And in 1903, brought Holmes back from the dead, with Sherlock explaining that he faked his death.

In 1997, Star Wars was re-released with Greedo shooting first. That went over well? I think the words “killed my childhood” were born.

In 2008, and after 24 years of waiting, fans got Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And, well . . . yeah. That was a thing.

The long story short of this is simple. Fans are allowed to be outspoken. They are the ones who keep the entertainment machine turning. It is on their backs that the empire is built. But, fans should also take it down a notch. It is just entertainment. There are in fact real-world problems to focus our energy on. Toxic fandom IS a thing. Such negativity has hurt people in the real world. Don’t be an asshole. Express your opinion, sign a petition, vote with your wallet, and that’s it. There are warning signs when you’re in a bad relationship, and the same apply to your fan loyalty: Resentment, Disrespect, Dishonesty, Mistrust, Distancing, Defensiveness, and Contempt. If you sense your favorite franchise doing that to you, then walk away. Just make sure you’re not the one showing those signs.

So, Game of Thrones ended with not a bang, but with a whimper. It sucks. But, so did the Sopranos and Lost. It will just be another entertainment corpse on the pile. Remember the good times and hope ole RR Martin hangs on long enough to finish the books. But by this point, there are so many characters who I don’t give two shits about, that I just don’t care anymore.

Courtesy of Aww Memes

But before I go, a quick message to famous, high-profile, A-List creators, artists, and developers: Don’t fuck it up. Respect your fans. When you do fuck up, which you have and will do again, own up to it. Don’t lash out at them. They want to praise your work. Let them. Because if driving over a Jawa would kick you out so that my books would become the next big thing on HBO, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, a comic, or video game? Well, I’d rev the engine and not think twice.

 

 

Permalink

Game of Throne Final Season Woes -OR- How I Learned Love Jetpacks AND Broadswords

DISCLAIMER: If you love the show or the books, GREAT! Don’t let my ramblings take that from you. This is mostly for comedic purpose. But, some of my true feelings are buried in this nonsensical drivel.

At the time of writing this, season 8 of Game of Thrones is only days from airing. Like me, maybe you’ve seen tons of countdown clocks and memes in your social media feeds. People are abuzz with anticipation. The culmination of massive phenomena that began on HBO in 2011 (or those pesky written versions in 1996). 67 episodes, five published main story novels, 2 more pipe dreams of “forthcoming” books, plus comics and prequel content.

BUT, not all is well in the Land of Ice and Fire. While some fans are excited others are angry. Since the show has gone past the published works, some consider the latest season as fan-service fan-fic. Others have commented that the off screen jetpacks and rocket-powered ravens** have made them upset. Or, how the Ironborn people of Pike can make that many ships from islands that look like bleak rock.

**These terms refer to how quickly the remaining main cast (and message by ravens) have been able to travel across Westeros and Essos with plot-convenient blinding speed. In season 1, it took what, a month of travel from kings landing to Winterell, and another month to the wall? Well, remember when Jon and crew were stuck beyond the wall in season 7, and Gendry ran back to some outpost, sent a raven to Dragonstone? Danny got on her dragon and flew there the next morning. (for perspective, just from Winterfell to Castle Black at The Wall is 600 miles by raven, 650 by road.)

There are defenders of these plot devices, saying that lore supports these things, or TV adaptation is required. Antagonists do as the internet does and just hates. So, nothing new there.

 But, I’m here to say: I don’t give a shit and I embrace the insanity.

I like Game of Thrones, both the show and the books, but the grand epic story was ruined for me, long ago. The moment overt supernatural and prophecy was added to the story, the whole thing became a house of cards to me.

See, the show (and the books) in the beginning masterfully blended political machinations with the ever present, creeping fear of the supernatural darkness. While we gasp at things like the Red Weddings, we are also aware of Jon Snow’s plight, for he’s seen beyond the wall. And that . . . that’s the problem. Sooner or later, all the who fucked who over (or simply who’s fucking who), won’t matter. Not when the Ice Zombies come a knocking. And maybe that’s the point. But it also undermines the core. The human element. Added to this, is the prophecy, you know, The Prince Who Was Promised. See, once we got the Fire God, R’Hollr Lord of Light pitting its avatars against The Great Other, the cold god of ice and death, then the wine sipping snark fests between uppity nobles were . . . well, blah.

image from HBO

Seriously, do you think I give two horse apples about the Iron Bank or the Golden Company when the King of the Ice Zombies killed a dragon with a fucking spear, then raised said dragon as an undead ice dragon? No. No I do not. Looking back, remember in the hot springs when Jamie gave that impassioned speech about why he killed the Mad king? Or Littlefinger’s deft plots? How about Tyron facing his dad in the crapper? Or Theon’s torture at the hand of Ramsey? Powerful human moments right?

Well I also saw and entire dead village of Hardhome stand up at once under the power of the Night King. I saw Jon Snow get resurrected (among others). I saw face-shifting disciples of the God of Death. The human story is drowned out by the fantastic. Fun Fact: in the books, Thoros of Myr, you know, top knot drunken red priest brought back Catelyn Stark? Although, she didn’t come ALL the way back. She was dubbed Lady Stoneheart and she hung Brienne. Yup. Neat stuff right? But please, tell me more about The Vale or the politics of Dorn.

No, please go on. Tell me more of your . . . politics. I’m sure I have another dragon killing ice spear here somewhere. image from HBO

Add to that the Three-Eyed Raven and time travel, then you have a cycle you cannot break. The past/present/future is seen. Maybe you can break the cycle, or perhaps we’re just watching/reading actors playing the parts as fate already decreed. Yes, the Hold The Door/Hodor bit was an AWESOME scene, but you may as well have had Marty & Doc zoom past in the Deloran.

I know, I know, I’m being both overtly narrow in my view while also editorializing for my narrative. I get it, trust me. But this is just my opinion. But once you add prophecy to a story, any story, “the story” is over. Meaning, like any book, show, or movie, once you see the ending coming, it’s a wait and see game. And in GoT there were only two options. You either take the political “medieval” drama to its end while you hand wave the mythical stuff/deal with it off camera (pissing off fans of fantasy). OR, you make a hard turn into the fantastical, and piss on the backbiting and maneuvering (and thus anger your cerebral nerds). Which is where we seem to be heading.

Now MAYBE, the show (or books) can blend the two and do so perfectly. And something tells me that there will be people loudly saying that it did AND didn’t (again, see: the internet). But based on what we saw last season, I think we should settle in for more giant set pieces, giant battles, and giant magic. I’m sure there will be some surprise deaths, some revenge, and a twist or two.

And I’m totally cool with that . . . Because I WANT the fan service.  

Like I said earlier, I like the show a lot. And in many ways, MORE than the books. Sorry literary fans. I know that is heretical of me to say, but I don’t care. Some epics are just too much. Like Dune, the first couple are solid, but then it just . . . goes on far too long, and diminishes the whole.

So after the better part of a decade for the shows, and 23 years of waiting for this goddamn series of books to be over, I say “bring on the fan service!” I was thrilled with last seasons events and I want more.  you know what I hope happens?

I hope Jon Snow rides a dragon, wooshing by, and beheads Jamie Lannister for trying to kill Bran.

I hope Sam tries to kill the Night King only for Gilly to stab him in the ass with dragon glass.

I hope The Hound fights Franken-Mountain in the Clegane Bowl. After which, The Hound cuts off The Mountain’s dick and tosses it that Icelandic anaconda to Theon and Gray Worm who then battle for it. The winner takes it to Qyburn for reattachment.

I hope Brienne refutes Torman Giantbanes advances so that she and Sansa fall in love and open a goddamn flower shop in Dorn together.

I hope Danny finally tells Jorrah The Knight of Friendzone, to get a life.

I hope Theon beats his uncle at something, only for his sister to put Theon down after.

I hope Arya kills the Hound for his past sins, like killing her friend the Butcher’s Boy.

I hope Sansa learns to smile . . . an act (I wonder if Dark Phoenix will be any good?)

I hope Ned Stark comes back from the dead . . . only to die again, as Sean Bean does.

I hope that when all the heroes are dead and when Cerci sits on the throne, Varys and Gendry stab her. Only for them to then dissolve the monarchy and institute democracy. #MakeWesterosGreatAgain

I hope not only that Bran is actually also Bran the Builder and the Night King, but that the story ends with young bran sitting in bed, having been read a bedtime tale and the whole thing was a story (the Rian Johnson cut.)

But above all else, I JUST WANT THIS OVER SO I CAN FINALLY CANCEL HBO!!!!

See y’all in a few days around the internet water cooler!

~Gibby

Review of Captain Marvel: A Midling Movie -or- The Benefits of Being the Butt of the Joke

Right off the bat, let’s address the elephant in the room concerning this movie. While promoting the movie there was a plethora of comments and sound bites from Brie Larson about diversity and white male journalists. And naturally the internet exploded with vitriol. Who knew the internet was an opinionated place? But, I ignored it. I only cared about two things: the movie . . . and why is Brie Larson slowly transforming into Diane Kruger?

Images from Celebmafia and Getty Images

Before moving into spoiler territory, this is my brief, IMO, spoiler-free, TL;DR review: The movie firmly falls into the “It’s Fine” category. Nothing special. Nothing horrible. Nearly every story beat is predictable with minimal twists on the superhero movie formula. It has neat action. It has some jokes. It tries for heart, but misses. Captain Marvel follows in the wake of Wonder Woman, but without a seasoned hand like Patty Jenkins to guide the movie, it falls short of what it could have been. Influenced by other Marvel movies like Guardians and Captain America, but ends up in the mid-tier.

Okay, with that out of the way, the rest of the review will have some spoilers. Cool?

Marvel has always impressed me with casting, seeing something in an actor that could shine. If you look back, they cast the unstable wild card to be Iron Man, the banana in his ass comedian as Captain America, the unknown dead George Kirk to be Thor, and the pudgy schlub from Parks & Rec as Star Lord.

Images from Daily Mail, Not Another Teen Movie, Star Trek, and NBC

So when Brie was announced, I was excited. I loved her in Scott Pilgrim, The United States of Tara, 21 Jump Street and Kong: Skull Island. I was wondering what the Marvel casting team saw in her. But, after watching the flick, I think what they saw was her left shoulder, constantly pointing towards the camera, in a 3/4 square stance. The below pics don’t do justice. She loves to run/storm into frame, put her left shoulder forward, and make fists.

Images from Marvel

The movie is a pretty good action flick. It tries for comedy, and some jokes hit. But, you can also tell that the movie tried to be like Guardians, but with the 90’s instead of the 70’s. But, it never quite hits. (There’s even a scene where we’re in her head and Nirvana’s “Come as You Are” is playing. But since she disappeared from earth in 1989 and returned in 1995 . . . she shouldn’t know that song.) James Gunn brought a pathos to Guardians of the Galaxy and to his characters. A deep, personal pain to each of them which was masked in comedy. Something we the audience can relate to. But, the Captain Marvel movie is devoid of such depth.

The movie also tries to be a buddy cop flick with Marvel and Nick Fury, and that never really gels. And while Mr. Jackson is perfectly fine, the Fury you know from other movies is gone, and is replaced with this younger, dorky version who is the butt of Carol Danvers’ jokes and jibes. This self-described Retired Colonel turned Spy turned SHIELD Agent gets all gooey whenever that stupid cat is on screen “Who’s a widdle widdle good kitty kitty?”. (Yes, he says crap like that. A lot. And it sucks. And I have a cat.) The other sticking point is that Jackson and the rest of SHIELD, accept alien existence really, really quickly. I know the story needed to keep going, but as the directors/writers hand waved that bit away, I knew I was just along for the ride. Stuck in the backseat and forced to suffer bad choices. (see Fury’s missing eye here). This choice also retcon’s Fury’s speech in Avengers when he tells them that SHIELD is developing new weapons and tech because of Thor, and up until he arrived, they thought they were alone in the universe.

The movie is in essence a discovery of personal strength. You know, “the power was in you the whole time, you just had to believe” trope. As Cap Marvel AKA “Vers” discovers her past on earth, she starts to remember her old life, and there are actually very touching moments between her and her old wingman, Lashana Lynch’s “Maria Rambeau” and Maria’s daughter, Monica. When her best friend comes back, after 6 years of presumed death, Lynch’s reaction and performance is amazing

. . . and then, then they had to ruin it.

You see a few scenes later, the dialogue forces Larson to say something like “I don’t even know who I am anymore!!” Ugh. To which Lynch is forced into the other dead horse of bad writing by listing the protagonists superlatives. “You’re Carol Danvers! The bravest, strongest, and most amazing person I’ve ever known!”

I literally had my hand over my face during that scene in abject shock and cringe during this stilted scene. And for some reason, I couldn’t get the scene out of my head from Face/Off when Sean Archer is now wearing Caster Troy’s face and freaks out. His (Sean’s) best friend and partner Tito, has to remind of who he was. “You’re Sean ARCHER!!” You know, another black character reminding the white lead of their inner strength. Blah.

***Special shout out to Ben Mendleson as Talos, leader of the Skrulls. He chews the scenery and has some of the best lines and scenes. His character is given oodles more comedy, pathos, and depth. All this despite being forced to wear a mask that forced him to mumble and slur. Truth be told, if he was a new addition to The Guardians, I would totally be down.***

But since watching the movie, I’ve been trying to figure out what about Captain Marvel didn’t work for me. She was strong, she had some humor, she was snarky, she was committed. So what was it that made me, at best, iffy? And then it hit me. She, or likely the writing/directing team, refused to allow Captain Marvel to have humility.

What do I mean by that? Well, IMO, one of the reasons that the MCU characters have been so accessible, and thus successful, is because of their relatability and their humility. No, we’re not gods, super soldiers, or billionaire tech geniuses. But we are people who seek our father’s approval, feel weak, or mask our inferiority complexes with humor and narcissism. But beyond that, the characters are willing to be the butt of the joke.

Tony Stark blasted himself into the ceiling learning to fly while his robot sprayed him with an extinguisher. Thor was knocked out several times by being hit by a car, and even got a hypodermic needle in the ass mid-tough guy speech. Steve Rodgers was a scrawny, virgin, twerp who never learned to talk to women. Even in later flicks, Peter Quill is perpetually the butt of the joke. Steve Lang is constantly being mocked. Even T’Challa gets laughed at by his sister and his closest allies.

Carol Danvers doesn’t. She’s like a white-girl Vin Diesel who isn’t allowed to look foolish.

Think back on Wonder Woman. In DC’s first female led flick, Diana embodies power, poise, grace, and duty. But, she also has scenes of tenderness and humility. Remember laughing at her when she sees a baby? When she’s trying on dresses? Or when she marches out of the dress shop with a sword and shield? Funny stuff. Because the character was a fish out of water, there are moments when its okay to laugh at your protagonist. Because they kick so much butt later.

Image from Wonder Woman

Now maybe there’s a scene or two I’m forgetting which refutes these thoughts, and I’m willing to give the flick a second shot. But I think that by trying to make her a cinematic icon, they did a disservice by not allowing us to laugh at her, then cheer her later. I mean, even Rey got made fun of.

Image from Lucas Film/Disney

Another perfect example to illustrate my point in recent memory is Spider Man, Into the Spiderverse. The movie follows the standard superhero formula of newbie, incident, learning, falling, then succeeding. And Miles Morales is CONSTANTLY the butt of the joke. But, his story has style, flair, development, action, humor, and it will heart-punch you right in the feels. That’s why it beat Pixar for best animated movie in 2018, and why it will long be remembered when Captain Marvel is in the discount bin.

Image from Sony

I wondered if I was off base with my opinion of Captain Marvel. I am, after all, a white male (wocka wocka?). But once I started sifting through the reviews, I noticed a trend in the “left-leaning”/progressive websites. Some of them were not happy with the movie; seemingly upset that the movie was not what they had wanted it to be. On Metacritic, sites like Slate, Vox, Slant, The Guardian, Time, and the NY Post all had Captain Marvel in the 60% or below category. Some had titles like, “Finally, Women Have Their Own Mediocre Marvel Movie” (Slate), or “Captain Marvel Deserves a Better Movie” (Vox).

 Ouch.

But they aren’t wrong. 60% is about where it falls for me. I think there was a lot of potential in the movie But IMO, the short development cycle to get it out before Avengers: Endgame hurt the movie.

But, these are just my opinions. If you like the movie, GREAT! Don’t let me, or anyone else, tell you otherwise. Like what you like, love what and who you love.

Live long and strong

~Gibby

Permalink

Do We Need a Star Wars/Pulp Fiction Mash Up? Sure?

Image from Textual Tees.com

So I was looking through some of my old writing projects, scenes, and notes the other day and I came across the printed pages of this little “gem.” It’s something I wrote in 1999. I read it, laughed about how dumb I was, but thought, “hey . . . let’s share it”, especially since I’ve seen images online of Star War characters in Tarentino poses on T-shirts.

 So I typed it up, did a little punch up, and added a couple of newer references. I present to you a 20 year old fever dream of a guy who apparently wanted to do sketch comedy writing.  

  

Pulp Jedi

 The Millennium Falcon flys through hyperspace blaring “Jungle Boogie”. Gangster scoundrels Han Vega and Jules Calrissian are in the cockpit.

 Han Vega:

What's her name?

 Jules Calrissian:

Leia Wallace.

 Han Vega:

How did Marsellus Vader and her meet?

 Jules Calrissan

I dunno, rumor is she’s his daughter? She usta be an princess from Alderran. Why you so interested in big man's wife?

 Han Vega:

Well, Marsellus Vader is leavin' for Tatooine to take care of some business and when he's gone, he wants me to take care of Leia.

 Jules Calrissian:

Take care of her? Making a blaster out of his finger and placing it to his head

 Han Vega:

Not that! Take her out. Show her a good time.

Jules Calrissian:

You're gonna be takin' Leia Wallace out on a date?

 Han Vega:

It ain't a date. It's just... you know... good company.

 Jules Calrissian just looks at him.

 Jules Calrissian:

Well you better careful. Last guy who did that got messed up.

 Han Vega:

Who?

 Jules Calrissian:

You remember the guy they called Jabba-Rocky Horror? Half black, Half Hutt?

 Han Vega:

Yeah, the fat guy.

 Jules Calrissian:

I wouldn’t go so far as to call the brother fat. I mean, he’s got a weight problem. But what’s the brother gonna do? He’s a Hutt. Point is, Marcellus Vader sent a couple of stormtroopers over to his crib on Coruscant and they threw his ass out of one of them tall ass skyscrapers. A passing speeder broke his fall, but since then, the brother’s developed something of a speech impediment.

 Han Vega:

What Jabba do? Fuck her?

 Jules Calrissian:

No, nothing that bad. He braided her hair up in fun buns.

 Han Vega:

That’s it? Well, Jabba shoulda known better. Play with a thermal detonater, you’re gonna get hurt.

 Jules Calrissian:

You don’t think Marcellus Vader over reacted? Motherfucker threw a guy off a building for braiding a girls hair. That ain’t right, messing with a brother’s speech and shit. Motherfucker does that to me, he better carbonite freeze my ass.

 Han Vega:

I'm not sayin' he was right, but you're sayin' a fun-bun braid don't mean nothing, and I'm sayin' it does.I've given a million ladies a million fun-buns and they all meant somethin'. We act like they don't, but they do. That's what's so fuckin' cool about 'em. This sensual thing's goin' on that nobody's talkin about, but you know it and she knows it,fuckin' Marsellus Vader knew it, and Jabba shoulda known fuckin' better. That's his fuckin' daughter, man.

Jules Calrissian:

That's an interesting point

 Han Vega turns around with his blaster in his hand to look at Greedo in the passenger spot behind him

 Han Vega:

Hey Greedo, whaddya’ think? Did Marcellus Vader overreact?

Greedo:

Man, I don’t even have an opinion.

Han Vega:

You gotta have an opinion, I mean--

BLAM! Han’s blaster goes off

 

Jules Calrissian:

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Han Vega:

Oh, shit, I shot Greedo in the face.

 Jules Calrissan:

Why the FUCK did you do that?

Han Vega:

It was a fuckin’ accident man! My blaster just went off. The Falcon musta hit an asteroid or something--

 Jules Calrissian:

The Millennium Falcon didn’t hit no motherfuckin’ asteroid!

 Han Vega:

Look man, I’m fuckin’ sorry--

 Jules Calrissian:

Sorry ain’t gonna cut it motherfucker! We’re in Rebel Alliance controlled space. And Rebel patrols tend to notice things like, I don’t know, fucking Corellian Cruisers drenched in blood!

 Han Vega:

What are you doing?

Jules Calrissian:

Messaging a friend. But if Yimmi’s ass ain’t home we’re in trouble.

A Blue hologram projection pop’s up

Hey, Yimmi, sorry man, but my partner got into a little bit of trouble and I need to use your swamp for a little bit.

  

-SCENE BREAK-

Tatooine - Deep in the basement of Mos Eisley Pawnshop, Watto is on the floor, bleeding, holding what remains of groin. Butch Kenobi, bloody and beaten, stands there, unsure of himself, a blue lightsaber ignited. Beside him, Marcellus Vader stands, his pants around his ankles after being repeatedly violated. Marcellus Vader’s hand is extended in a gripping motion and Watto is choking.

 

Butch Kenobi

You okay?

 Marcellus Vader

Naw man. I'm pretty fuckin' far from okay

 Butch Kenobi:

So, what now

 Marcellus Vader

What now? Well let me tell you what now. I'm gonna call a couple pipe-hittin' storm troopers, who'll go to work on junk dealer here with a trash compacter and a Cloud City scan grid zap-rack. Hear me talkin' Toydarian?! I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm gonna git Dark Side on your ass.

Butch Kenobi

I meant what now, between me and you?

 Marcellus Vader:

Oh, that? Well, let me tell ya what now between me an' you. There is no me an' you. Not no more.

 Butch Kenobi:

So we're cool? Even after . . . you know . . . the lava thing

Marcellus Vader:

Yeah man, we're cool. You had the high ground and I didn’t listen. Go on now, get your ass outta here. *His comm device rings*  Hello? What’s the problem? I have my own shit I’m dealing with at the moment, but I’ll send you the Fett.

  

-SCENE BREAK-

 

 The Millennium Falcon is parked outside a swamp in Degobah. Jules Calrissian and Han Vega are inside the earthen home of Yimmi enjoying a bowl of stew while Yimmi in his robe and cane, looks on unhappy.

Jules Calrissian:

Damn Yimmi, is this stew homemade? Man, me and Han thought we were gonna have some freeze dried stew, and here you are breaking out the gourmet shit--

Yimmi:

Know how good my stew is. Fucking made it, I did. When stew Luke makes, taste like shit, it does. But stew concerns me not. Dead bounty hunter in my swamp, it is. Sign in my swamp, did you see, that read “Dead Bounty Hunter Storage”?

 Jules Calrissain:

C’mon Ymmi, you know I didn’t see no sign that--

Yimmi:

Sign. See you. That read. “Dead Bounty Hunter Storage?”

Jules Calrissain:

No

 Yimmi:

Know why? BECAUSE STORAGE OF DEAD BOUNTY HUNTERS MY FUCKING BUSINESS IT IS NOT! Call people you must? Then do or do not. But if Luke comes home, finds dead bounty hunter in swamp, then leave me he will. No trial separation will I have, no. Straight to dark side, I go.

 Knock at the door, opened by Yimmi.

Winston Fett:

I’m Winston Fett, I solve problems. Okay, what you’re going to need to do is to do is take cleaning products and clean the inside of the ship. And I'm talkin' Kessle Run fast. You need to go in the backseat, scoop up all those little pieces of Rodarian brain and skull. Take care of are the really messy parts. The pools of blood that have collected, you gotta soak that shit up. Now Yimmi, we need to raid your closet. I need old Jedi robes, the darker the better.I’m sure you have a bunch laying around after Order 66. And no whites, can't use 'em. We need to camouflage the interior of the ship. We're gonna line the cockpit with robes. If a rebel ship stops us and starts scanning, the subterfuge won't last. But at a glance, the ship will appear to to simply be covered in Mynock saliva. Okay, get to work.

Han Vega:

A please would be nice

 Winston Fett:

Come again?

Han Vega:

I said a please would be nice

 Winston Fett:

I’f I’m curt, it is because time is of the essence. So, pretty please, with sugar on top, go clean the fuckin’ Millenium Falcon.

-OUTSIDE in the ship-

 

Jules Calrissian:

This is some fucked up, repugnant shit.

Han Vega:

I already apologized. Did you ever hear the philosophy of The Force that once a man admits he's wrong, he's immediately forgiven for all wrong-doings?

 Jules Calrissian:

Whoever said that never had to pick up itty-bitty pieces of skull with his fingers on account of your dumb ass.

Han Vega:

I’ve got a threshold for abuse and you’re crossing it. I’m a speeder bike Jules, and I’m in the red. And it’s not wise to push a speeder when it’s in the red.

 Jules Calrissian:

Oh you’re in the red?

Han Vega:

Yeah

 Jules Calrissian:

Well I’m a DEATH STAR PLANET BLASTIN’ MOTHERFUCKER, motherfucker! Every time my hands touch brain I’m a red kyber crystal lightsaber that will cut you open like a motherfuckin’ Taun-Taun. In fact, what the fuck am I doing in the back? You’re the motherfucker who should be on brain detail. We’re trading places!

  

. . . Coming soon, Reservoir Wookies (??)

 

 

Permalink