Ajax Minor's Blog, page 2

loss: the role of sadness

I returned to my Blog a few weeks ago after an absence of two years. As I have said, I was consumed with taking care of my wife, Linda, who had been diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig’s disease, in 2021. She died on 11/12/2023.

Most books on loss carry Grief in the title. I prefer Loss as a term for the emotional landscape and will address my own definition of grief in a later post.

At the suggestion of the wife of Linda’s nephew, Alex, who is a therapist herself, I scheduled one on one meetings for therapy sessions. This was not a new exercise for me, as we lost our daughter, Katie, at the age of seven months to a birth accident. Her death inspired me to write the fantasy series, The Ur Legend, as well as set up this website and start Blogging.

It is my feeling that each person experiences loss differently and each individual loss can evoke different emotional responses. I will focus here on the loss of my wife and my response to it.

In speaking with my therapist, he said sadness and depression are emotions that often accompany loss and that many people would rather feel depressed than sad. I feel quite the opposite, though I have been no stranger to depression, with a small ‘d’, and will talk about that at a later time. But I have found that sadness can be a balm for me. So let me tell a story. I should also be clear that I am not a qualified therapist and that my experience is not meant to be prescriptive but rather is just my own attempt to find strategies for dealing with the death of my wife. There is no right way to experience loss, no right way to grieve.

Anyway, about a year ago Linda had to go up to UCSF hospital at Parnassus in San Francisco, for a procedure and stayed for a couple of days. One night I said, “honey, I just can’t eat one more hospital dinner.” She smiled and told me, as best she could, as she was non-verbal at that point, to go out and have a meal. I kissed her and left.

After dinner I was walking the few blocks back to the B&B where I was staying and got unbelievably sad. My chest tightened and tears welled up. I can’t recall exactly what memory triggered that response, probably fly fishing or skiing in Idaho. Then I stopped. I told myself that it had been a wonderful experience, so I turned sadness on its head and tried to focus on the positive. That was a turning point for me. There are some memories that have no positive or redeeming aspect. I will address those in a later post.

I have come to view sadness as something helpful to me in the healing process. I can no longer hold Linda or hug her or kiss her. But sadness, for me, is now the only way I can tell her I love her.

For those of you that are grappling with a devastating loss, maybe this will resonate with some. Others not so much. But that’s okay. As I or any therapist will tell you, there is no ‘right way’.

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Two layer crap cake with barf frosting

My wife, Linda, was diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig’s disease, a neurological disorder, in August of 2021. She died November 12, 2023 at CHOMP Hospital in Monterey,CA. It happened in the wee hours, 2 AM. I was at her side but sleeping when the nurses woke me to tell me she had ‘passed’.

So now I’ve lost both my girls, my daughter Katie in 1992 at the age of seven months from a birth accident and now my wife and best friend. Hence the two layer cake. And the frosting? Dealing with the loss of both. They were my family.

So how to navigate the pain? Over the next few weeks I will be offering a few strategies and insights that have helped me. They won’t help everyone since Loss is unique not only to each individual but each Loss experienced is unique emotionally.

WHY is always the BIG question. For those who have deep faith in God and believe in a ‘plan’ that may be enough to answer the question but not necessarily to ease the hurt. With Linda, as with Katie, a verse from the Tao te Ching serves me well:

Nature does not play favorites, She regards her creations without sentimentality.

Simply, shit happens. This helped us with Katie and now me with Linda. It might not be for you but chew on it.

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Happy ?! Fathers’ day

So what’s with the interrobang (yup that’s what it’s called: Qmark followed by an exclamation point)?

Every year the US Men’s Open, golf, concludes on Fathers’ Day. Fitting in many ways. Usually the winner thanks all who have helped him. Especially their dads. Often there are bleary eyed, teary eyed encomiums to their fathers who nurtured them to this pinnacle of success in the golf world.

But for many of us our relationships with our dads is more complex. For me, it was complicated. My dad could be abusive physically and emotionally on an irregular, regular basis. I felt like the dog, which is kicked by its master, then cowers in the corner. A few minutes later the ‘master’ calls the dog over and gives it a rub and pat with that reassuring ‘doggie voice’. It was always difficult to know whether you were loved or not.

Those who experienced a complicated relationship with their dads probably, if they are golfers, listen to the encomiums with a wry smile within.

We must remember that others were less fortunate than we with the ‘complicated’ relationships. They may have been abused mercilessly to the point where their brains were rewired to bypass the prefrontal cortex, the site of decision making, and go straight to reaction. Perhaps this is the case with so many incarcerated males who are so prone to recidivism.

So remember that no matter how bad it was, somebody else has had it worse. More on this when I begin to talk about Loss.

We lost our daughter, Katie, to a birth accident in 1992. Fathers’ Day 1993 was probably one of the most cathartic in my life. So I have an additional reason to be less than emotionally enthusiastic about the Holiday.

Regardless of your experience, guys, with your dad, use this day to reflect on that experience. to try to understand what motivated him and try to forgive some of the hurtfulness.

Finally, welcome back to my zero (0) Fan base. I have been absent from these pages for two years as my wife was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s) in 2021. She succumbed last November. I will be writing more on Loss as well as publishing a few poems and a new short story.

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global warming and ice cube earth

I try to ground my Fantasy in some sort of factual basis. Before I began writing ‘The Girl from Ipanema’ I read an article in Scientific American that concerned a short but dramatic fall in temperatures world wide about 12,000 years ago, during an interstitial warming period during the Ice Ages. The melting caused a huge ice dam to melt in the Western US and released enough water to fill the Great Lakes and the St. Lawrence seaway. Subsequently it dumped into the Atlantic, reduced the salinity of the northern Gulf Stream, shut it down and started a short deep freeze.

Now scientists are speculating about a Cold Blob off Greenland that may be the result of freshwater icemelt from the Greenland cap. The consequences are complicated but alarming nonetheless. Perhaps a deep freeze in the Northern Hemisphere.

Recently there has been more press being given to this phenomenon. An excellent article appeared in USA Today concerning a slowing AMOC, Atlantic Meridional Ocean Current, or Gulf Stream. If you think a warmer Earth will cause enormous challenges and dislocations, imagine a frozen Northern Hemisphere. Catastrophic. And slowing has already been detected. In addition some scientists predict Europe will begin to cool as early as 2025 and ambient average temperatures may drop by 15 degrees F by 2029. Farming? Forget it. Check Science Friday website for more on this.

While ”The Girl from Ipanema’ was a result of speculation on my part, it tells a story of the dire political, social and economic consequences of the Gulf Stream shutting down. No Abracadabra in my Fantasies. No magic wands or stones. But a ripping crazy tale nonetheless.

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A Stoic Approach to grief

“I know the way to your heart is through your brain and I do love you for it, or in spite of it.”

Loss

One of the major themes in the book Sun Valley Moon Mountains is “loss.” In the first chapter of the book, Kate says to Jaq, who finds her crying in the bathroom in the middle of the night, “I know the way to your heart is through your brain and I do love you for it, or in spite of it.”

Stoicism

That’s a very Stoic attitude. Kate admits that she is a Stoic by choice, while Jaq is “one by inclination.”

A major premise of Stoicism is not necessarily to deny feelings but to keep them from interfering with the business of living. I believe emotional trauma can register at the intellectual level and still be valid.  Like the fictional Jaq and Kate, my wife, Linda, and I tried very hard not to allow the tragedy of Katherine’s death interfere with the “business of living.”  Simply, we couldn’t if we’d wanted to. We had responsibilities, most especially to our damaged daughter.

Linda and I often joke that we cry twice a year for practice. But that doesn’t mean we don’t care.

Registering Pain

Besides registering intellectually, I think pain can also register in the heart and in the gut. Empathy pulls at the heart and may be a feeling most closely related to poignancy.  Visceral pain, like Kate’s sobbing alone, comes right from the gut. And although Jaq and Kate were Stoics, they still had their guts wrenched, but were careful as to when they would let their feelings loose.

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banned but back!

Well, fans, it’s been a while. A LONG while. But I finally made it back on to FB. This is important because the FB Boost feature is a must for marketing books if you’re an Indie author.

Background: a couple of years ago I received a text from FB asking me to confirm my identity with a code they would send. Easy peasy, right? Wrong. I tried for a few weeks to receive the code, with no luck. Then I received a notice saying I’d been banned for violating community standards. Ever check out community standards for FB? Basically, you have to be involved in illicit drug dealing, white slave trade or child pornography. Say what?

Anyway, since I had Boosted my books to Brazil and Russia, which is where books 2, The Girl from Ipanema and 3, Kutuzov’s Dream take place respectively, I’m guessing I was hacked . So hacked and back.

I will be doing a series of Giveaways over the next several months so keep an eye out for them on Goodreads and Amazon.

I’m rolling out the series again because I believe it to be more topical now. Book 1, Sun Valley Moon Mountains, deals with death, loss and grief. Those subjects are always topical. But in the past few years it seems the extent of death and destruction has ramped up. Ukraine, Sudan, Syria: the list goes on.

Book 2, The Girl from Ipanema, deals with an environmental catastrophe, melting of the Greenland ice sheet and its consequences, including a breakup of the US. Sound topical? Ironically, the current melting of the Greenland ice sheet slows down the Gulf Stream and may turn North America and Europe into ice cubes. Weird? Climate change denying? NO. It’s actually happening today. The Cold Blob!

Book 3, Kutuzov’s Dream, continues the story of the response to the disaster and probes the very concepts of morality.

So, good to be back and I hope you take advantage of the ‘swag’ and have great reads.

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The Cold blob

I try to ground my Fantasy in some sort of factual basis. Before I began writing ‘The Girl from Ipanema’ I read an article in Scientific American that concerned a short but dramatic fall in temperatures world wide about 12,000 years ago, during an interstitial warming period in the Ice Ages. The melting caused a huge ice dam to melt in the Western US and released enough water to fill the Great Lakes and the St. Lawrence seaway. Subsequently it dumped into the Atlantic, reduced the salinity of the northern Gulf Stream, shut it down and started a short deep freeze.

Now scientists are speculating about a Cold Blob off Greenland that may be the result of freshwater icemelt from the Greenland cap. The consequences are complicated but alarming nonetheless. Perhaps a deep freeze in the Northern Hemisphere.

While ”The Girl from Ipanema’ was a result of speculation on my part, it tells a story of the dire political, social and economic consequences of the Gulf Stream shutting down. No Abracadabra in my Fantasies. No magic wands or stones. But a ripping crazy tale nonetheless.

The post The Cold blob appeared first on Ajax Minor.

rocket man and ramblin’man: Sole Proprietors

Last week I wrote about the disconnect between Trump’s actions during the CV19 crisis and his perception of himself as an autocrat. I thought I’d reprint a post about how Kim and Trump are ‘sole proprietors’ and how this has affected their behavior.

North Korea is an issue I have addressed, since the first part of ‘The Girl from Ipanema’ takes place in the DPRK. I needed a country that has an authoritarian system so it would be easier for the main characters to exercise ‘extreme prejudice’, as they say, with few constraints. The DPRK is topical and, with a fair degree of understatement, controversial. Bottom line, I thought the setting would be fun. It did raise some hackles. One reader, who very much liked SVMM, was offended by the North Korean fighter jet on the jacket cover. And he was Canadian!

I also wanted to color the DPRK with a hopeful hue. The subtle message was that perhaps at some time in the future, or maybe in an alternative reality, a leader with qualities like Jumong, in The Girl from Ipanema, might emerge to lead the country into the light. In my mind, there is good precedent with Lee Kwan Yew, who led Singapore to prosperity and a degree of freedom with an iron, though enlightened, fist.

Jumong and his evil twin, Kang, present an interesting juxtaposition.
While Kang is manipulative and, one might say, a bit of a psychopath,
he is also a realist who knows it is only Jumong the people will follow.
Jumong, though far more thoughtful and empathetic, lacks the drive and
ruthlessness to feel at ease running the whole show. But both seem to
care, in very different ways, about their country.

What about the two individuals currently locking horns, Kim Jong-un and the Donald? Are they psychopaths, sociopaths or really geniuses playing three dimensional chess while everyone else is playing checkers? I’m going to exercise editorial privilege and rule out the ‘genius’ thing. Kim certainly seems to have the credentials to lay claim to being a psychopath, if reports of his liquidations are true.There are a number of articles that can be Googled on psychopathy and political leaders, CEOs and generals. So may I leave it to the reader to choose their own. But the point has been made that one of the characteristics held in common by all three of the classes mentioned is their propensity to view people as objects who exist only for their own aggrandizement. I think both Kim and the Donald probably share this trait in common.But I’d like to make an additional point about Trump that hasn’t been raised. He came in heralded as a businessman that could straighten the country out, rather than having it run by bureaucrats and a bunch of “First thing, kill all the LAWYERS”! But the distance that separates Trump from, say, a Rex Tillerson may be wider than that which separates either from the professional class. Trump IS a businessman but not a corporate exec. He has been a sole proprietor. Now Sole Proprietors are different ducks. And I know. Both my father and my father-in-law were effectively sole proprietors. Sole Proprietors answer to no one. They have absolute power and often exercise it. Many are also tyrants. They rule by fear. My father would sometimes rule by reason and at other times would take a problem employee out back for a good right cross. My father-in-law didn’t resort to physical coercion but would belittle, berate and leave those who worked for him never sure they had made the right decision and always afraid they’d made the wrong one. ‘Wrong’ being defined as a choice their boss didn’t like. Tyrants like to keep their minions off balance.

So neither Trump nor Kim may be chainsaw wielding, or missle launching, psychopaths (yet), but either have been or behave as if they have been tyrants and sole proprietors.

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The Donald: Dickless Diktator

Donald Trump’s handling of CV19 is a bit of an enigma. Not just the specific policies of his Administration, but rather the lack of ‘ownership’ he has exhibited. So I thought I’d have a conversation with one of the characters in my ‘Ur Legend’ to get his perspective. Jumong had been the Chairman of the Party in North Korea, so he had some familiarity with authoritarianism. We met on the fantastic planet of Luna, where he lives now with Tiamat, the Creatrix, and Queen of Hades.

Ajax: Jumong! I made it over.

Jumong: How was the ‘crossing’.

Ajax: A bit disorienting. I felt as if I were upside down and inside out at the same time.

Jumong: Yup. It’ll do that to you. On my first trip to Luna I got a bit queazy. But you made it!

Ajax: I never thought I’d get to see Luna.

Jumong: Well you did a pretty good job of describing a place you’d never seen.

Ajax: ‘Jaq’, or whoever’s notebooks I used, was pretty thorough and detailed.

I stretched then looked about. Before me was an expanse of shining silver water.

Ajax: I’m guessing this was the where the Battle on the Ice with Bildad Proud took place?

Jumong: Yes. Though it rarely freezes over now. Climate change.

Jumong’s lips lifted in a wry smile.

Ajax: Tell me about it! We haven’t experienced the ‘deep freeze’ on my worldline. Planet is still either burning down or flooding.

Jumong: The change here was quite remarkable. The atmosphere reached a ‘tipping point’, I believe it’s called. Enough decades of the Old Spallers exhaling carbon dioxide and their Lamikins ‘offgassing’ methane created just enough of a Greenhouse Effect to trap the moisture necessary to germinate one of the small seeds that fell off of your Jaq’s clothing. Which ate the carbon and the building of this atmosphere began.

Ajax: Happened pretty quickly I’d say.

Jumong: Well, Mattie gave it a nudge. She can do things like that.

Ajax: So I guessed. Anyway, it’s lovely. But I didn’t ask to come over to talk about climate.

Jumong: What’s on your mind?

Ajax: Oh, political philosophy. And practice. I know you and Mattie discussed it when you hiked in the Myohang in your North Korea.

Jumong: We talked about may things. What interests you?

Ajax: Well you contrasted the Western emphasis on individualism with the more collective cultural ethos of the East. In America we probably have the most individualistic view of government among the democracies.

Jumong: You emphasize Rights. But you know, regard for others, while seemingly a collective viewpoint, actually is deeply conservative. The responsibility for respecting and enforcing norms rests very much with the individual. And the more responsibility the individual accepts for their own behavior, the fewer laws and regulations are necessary to control harmful actions.

Ajax: Boy, do we ever have a system of laws! Volumes and volumes. But our system stands firmly grounded, stuck maybe, on protecting individual rights…

Jumong: Which unsurprisingly can come into conflict.

Ajax: Exactly. Which is why we are suffering so now___

Jumong: From the virus.

Ajax: Sounds as if you have been kept up to date.

Jumong: Mattie sees to it. And as you know she can project her thoughts.

Ajax: Lucky for you.

Jumong frowned.

Ajax: Or maybe not so lucky.

Jumong: So much suffering and so much destruction now on your worldline. Where does the politics come in specifically?

Ajax: Well leadership counts in times of crisis. But who leads best? The autocrat or the democrat?

Jumong: A firm hand is needed in times like yours. But a benign one.

I laughed.

Ajax: Like your Mattie? I think you once called her an autocrat at heart.

Jumong: She is. But she is working fiercely at being not Hobbes’ Leviathan but one of Plato’s Philosopher Kings. Or Queens. Either way she rules with a firm hand.

Ajax: Which leads me to my issue. We have been confronting a challenge and failing pretty badly.

Jumong: I know. I’ve met many in Hades who lost the battle against your CV19. So what is the dilemna?

Ajax: I’m not trying to resolve anything here, but I am puzzled. Our President___

Jumong: Mr Trump. THE Donald.

Ajax: Yup. He has exhibited a subtle preference for, even admiration of autocrats. On a visit to China with Xi, after the Chairman had essentially become dictator for life, rather than defend our system he suggested, almost longingly, that he thought he would like to be President for life.

Jumong: So?

Ajax: So here’s the paradox. The Virus gave him the opportunity to become exactly what he seemed to crave. The opportunity to take control. At least as much as our system would allow. He could have ordered industry to produce the goods and materials that were needed for safety. He could have given the scientific community firm directives, and the discretion, to set protocols that might have saved thousands. He could have required, to the extent enforceable, certain basic requirements for social interaction.

Jumong: Masks and social distancing__

Ajax: You’ve got the idea. But the strange thing is that he didn’t take the opportunity to become the dictator, I guess you’d say, he craved. Instead he told people to go on about their established daily routines.What’s up with that?

Jumong: Well, one of the mistakes we make in life is trying to be what we want rather than what we are good at. I’m not sure at all what he is good at…

Ajax: He is a brilliant salesman.

Jumong: There you have it. He could have ‘sold’ the best ideas to everyone. By relying on organization, science and his almost cult like status with his admirers he could have brought everyone into the tent. At appropriate social distance of course.

I laughed.

Ajax: But he didn’t. Why?

Jumong: He craved control but didn’t want the responsibility. He feared, I think, being ‘wrong’. And let’s face it, that was going to happen. Nobody got the thing right. I believe your New York governor, Cuomo, said: ‘From the very beginning we underestimated this virus and we are paying for it.’ But that is what comes with the territory when you’re in charge.

Ajax: So bottom line, he very badly wants something he isn’t very good at. He’s frightened, deep down.

Jumong: I’d say he’s a Dikless Diktator.

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Daddy’o!

The Beat generation in the US in the 1950s rebelled against materialism and questioned traditional American cultural values. They were portrayed often as black clad, beret wearing, bongo playing and ULTRA Cool ‘cats’. A classic caricature was the character Maynard G Krebs, played by Bob Denver. But the Beat writers were a serious group. The most famous were Jack Kerouac, the poet Allen Ginsberg and William S Burroughs. Probably the most influential literary work was Kerouac’s ‘On the Road’. The most revolutionary work in the poetry genre was Ginsberg’s ‘Howl’. If you haven’t read them, DO IT. As for Burroughs, read him at your peril. I love totally whacked out literature and music, but have to admit that even as loopy a writer and reader as I am I couldn’t get through ‘Naked Lunch’ and abandoned ‘The Red Night’ trilogy halfway through the first book, ‘Cities of the Red Night’.

Today, continuing my effort to publish a few pieces that are fun and wistful I am offering my ‘Beat’ poem: ‘Tranche of Time’. Just click on the link and read. Have fun!

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