Jacob DeNeui's Blog, page 2

Sawdust

When was the last time you had a piece of sawdust latched to your eyeball?  Can you remember how you blinked and squirmed so much it looked like you were searching for a test to cheat on?  It’s funny how the smallest thing, like a speck of sawdust, can make us lose our focus on everything but getting that parasitic nightmare out of our eye socket!  Now, just for funsies, picture someone with a 2x4 sticking out of their eye.  I can’t help but laugh thinking about what I could only assume would be Pinocchio’s “special cousin”.  Now imagine that this person sees someone rubbing their eye trying to remove a speck of sawdust and they think to them self, “That poor soul.  How miserable they must be with that speck of sawdust in their eye.”  They then proceed to try and save that person from their misery only to find the recipient of their gracious mercy perturbed whenever they get any closer than eight feet to them.  Annoyed by their insolence and clear lack of understanding, “Plank Eye” then tries even harder to approach them in order to point out the terrible speck of sawdust in their eye.  This only makes the unwilling recipient of his kindness grow even more irritable and pushy.  The nerve.  The person shorts out something about a 2x4 smacking them in the face but Plank Eye is too busy tending to the more urgent needs (that is, the sawdust). 

Thankfully the odds of this ridiculous situation happening are slim to none, yet the application of its lesson is all too prevalent.  So many times we project ourselves as one of the character in this absurd Disney sequel gone wrong, yet the character we attach ourselves to is often the one with the speck of sawdust, not the guy with the lumber yard spilling out of his face.  It’s all too common, really.  When conflict arrives between me and my co-worker, my wife, etc., I can quickly identify the source of the issue (and I don’t need a mirror to do it).  Clearly they are the one with the problem, the one who is illogical or missing the critical facts.  If they only knew what I knew or had the wisdom that I possessed, this controversy would be solved!  Sure, I might have some sawdust in my eye, but that’s nothing compared to the plank in their own eye!  If we want to get to the tree root of the problem, it’s obvious that we should focus on the other person’s problem(s).

Plank-In-My-Own-Eye

Does this sound familiar?  Be honest because I know it does!  It is our human nature to be convinced that we are typically right and others are typically wrong.  The problem with this mindset is that if often results in stalemates and conflict escalation, not compromise and unity.  Over time, I have tried to observe my own actions and behavior during conflict in order to discover whether they are productive or counterproductive.  Through this journey, I’ve tried to adopt what I believe to be a very powerful paradigm which has grown me as both a leader as well as a person.  I’ve found that, by shifting my mindset regarding challenges like these, I have developed a greater capacity to shape outcomes characterized by unity, self-improvement, and growth.  I call this approach the “Plank-in-my-own-eye” mindset.

As I said earlier, I feel it’s safe to say that most people tend to identify themselves more with the person with the speck of sawdust in their eye.  This comes from an underlying belief that, while we may not be perfect, we are definitely more perfect than Pinocchio over there.  The problem is that, while this stance is quite natural, it’s not always the most beneficial.  In fact, contrary to popular opinion, it is often the one who acknowledges their fallibility who gains the greatest power and growth.  Philosopher Daniel Cohen describes how he now embraces losing arguments because it means that he experiences “cognitive gain”, or in other words, he became better by humbling himself enough to admit his argument wasn’t right.  This is not an easy pill to swallow.  We typically prefer to operate under the assumption that in order to gain power we must hide our errors and fight to prove we are right, even when there’s a chance that we aren’t.  However, I have come to discover that the simple mindset shift of embracing the possibility that we might actually be the bearer of the hypothetical plank creates two powerful results: first, it makes us wiser and more self-aware, and second, it creates safety for others to discover their own errors.

“It is often the one who acknowledges their fallibility who gains the greatest power and growth. ”

 

Wisdom and Self-Awareness

The first benefit that the “plank-in-my-own-eye” mindset brings is the unlocking of potential for growing our own wisdom and self-awareness.  If we want to focus on growing ourselves instead of trying to create a false image of perfection, it requires that we humbly accept the fact that we ALWAYS have something to learn through the conflict we experience, regardless of who is “more right”.  Real quick, would you mind rereading that last sentence?  I cannot stress the last part of that sentence enough because too often we stunt our growth by missing opportunities to improve ourselves simply because we perceive that the majority of the blame for the conflict lies in the other persons’ court.  This may be true.  However, the real question is does it even matter?  Whether you are 5% right or 95% right matters very little.  If becoming the best versions of ourselves matters to us, we must operate from the mindset that every conflict, every challenge, every struggle, holds the key to our next level of growth.  Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, once said, “Our most difficult experiences become the crucibles that forge our character and circumstances in the future.”  The “plank-in-my-own-eye” mindset is not naïve to the possibility that the other person might carry more of the blame for the conflict than I do.  It simply refuses to use that fact as an excuse not to hop onto the crucible of difficult experiences in order to be painfully transformed into something better and stronger.

 

“If we want to focus on growing ourselves instead of trying to create a false image of perfection, it requires that we humbly accept the fact that we ALWAYS have something to learn through the conflict we experience, regardless of who is “more right”.”

“The “plank-in-my-own-eye” mindset is not naïve to the possibility that the other person might carry more of the blame for the conflict than I do.  It simply refuses to use that fact as an excuse not to hop onto the crucible of difficult experiences in order to be painfully transformed into something better and stronger.”

 

Safety

The second advantage produced by the “plank-in-my-own-eye” mindset is how it subtly works at a deep, emotional level to create a sense of relational safety which allows others to lower their guard and (perhaps) entertain the possibility that they might not be as right as they thought they were.  I’ve seen this work in my own life.  During a very difficult season in my leadership, I experienced a substantial conflict with one of the people on a team I was leading.  With all of the objective self-awareness I was able to muster, I truly did believe that this person carried the majority of the weight for creating the conflict.  It took everything within me not to fight tooth and nail to defend myself while pointing out all of the sawdust in his eye.  However, if there’s one thing that I’ve learned, it is that sawdust cannot exist without the existence of a plank, and it is unfortunately probable that the plank might be lodged in my own eye.  I made the choice to try and live out of the paradigm that it was I who had the plank in their eye, not the other person.  This meant that I needed to make changes in the way that I led.  It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, but months later, I found that the bridge I almost burned between us was still strong enough for us to reconnect and rebuild our relationship.  Had I chosen to block out his complaints regarding my character and leadership style, I would have forced him to keep up his emotional walls.  Instead, my attempt (imperfect as it was) to admit my errors contributed to helping him overcome his own growth obstacles.  Focusing on my own plank of growth was one of the keys to creating the safety necessary for both of us to exit the crucible with stronger character and more optimal future circumstances.

“Sawdust cannot exist without the existence of a plank, and it is unfortunately probable that the plank might be lodged in my own eye.”

  Buckle Up

At the end of the day, the most important question we must ask ourselves is this: What do we want?  If we desire to win POINTS, we will burn every bridge and deny every mistake necessary to score a better reputation.  However, if we are courageous enough to strive instead to win PEOPLE, we will lay down the self-serving defense of our pride in order to pick up the interests of others.  This, my friend, is leadership.

If you’re looking to put some points on the “I’m right, You’re Wrong!” scoreboard, have fun with that.  However, if you’re in the business of winning people, buckle up, because it’s a bumpy ride.  Choosing this path will mean giving up that good feeling of gloating over your “enemy’s” defeat when you prove to them how much sawdust is in their eye.  It will mean laying down a great deal of pride when you decide to focus and work on your own faults instead of theirs.  Yet when we embrace the “plank-in-my-own-eye” mindset, we discover a power to beautifully transform both ourselves as well as those we influence. 

 

“If we desire to win POINTS, we will burn every bridge and deny every mistake necessary to score a better reputation.  However, if we are courageous enough to strive instead to win PEOPLE, we will lay down the self-serving defense of our pride in order to pick up the interests of others.  This, my friend, is leadership.”

Will you continue to wear yourself out by focusing on the faults of others or will you choose to live life as if there really was a plank of “growth opportunities” just within arm’s reach?  The choice between the sawdust and the plank is yours

I hope you choose the plank.

Riding The Rails

A few years ago, a Gallup poll discovered something shocking: 70% of Americans aren’t engaged in their work.  That means that over 100 million Americans go to work and come home each work day feeling dissatisfied with the one thing they spend more time doing than just about anything else in life.  That’s a staggering statistic.

 

While I am fortunate to be in a field of work that I simply love, I too have struggled throughout my career with feelings of dissatisfaction and disillusionment.  As an idealist, I have at times wrestled with connecting my work to the ambitious goals I have oriented my life’s compass toward, leaving me wondering if I will ever arrive on the precipice upon which I have set my life’s hopes.

 

Can you relate? Perhaps we all find ourselves comparing our life-giving aspirationsto the lifeless shoulders upon which our blue or white collars reside.  What can we do?  Are we truly stuck with no hope of changing our situation?

 

Victim vs. Victor

For starters, you can rest assured I would not be writing this blog if there was no hope.  With that said, I have seen too many times that, when faced with this conundrum, we tend to default to the “victim” mindset.  This mindset says that the reason we are dissatisfied is because of the system that we are powerless to overcome.  It tends to leave one feeling bitter and disillusioned about life.  Yet there is a different mindset we can apply.  The “victor” mindset is not ignorant of the challenges faced in work or even the disappointments.  Yet instead of resigning him or herself to wallowing in victim mindset mire, the one with the victor mindset focuses on the things within their circle of influence to not only become the most effective worker possible but also to achieve one’s highest goals.

 

As I’ve walked through the journey of wrestling with the tension between the two mindsets, I’ve discovered a strategy for maximizing one’s success while also staying pragmatically focused.  I call it “riding the rails”.  I want to share with you how I believe we can recapture the feeling of fulfillment that work was originally intended to bring us by simultaneously pursuing two seemingly disparate lines of growth.

 

But first, let’s talk about railroad tracks.

 

One Inch

Did you know that the US standard railroad gauge (i.e. the width between rails) is 4’-8 ½” (you can thank me later when this fact helps you win your next game of trivia)?   Federal safety standards allow the rails to vary up to 1” but that’s it!  There are nearly 140,000 miles of railroad track in the country and every mile of it will be between 4’-8 ½” and 4’-9 ½” in width. I find it fascinating that despite the thousands of miles of track that have been laid, they still manage to maintain such a consistent width between the two rails.  That’s what it takes for trains to get to their destination.  If we are interested in arriving at a place of deep fulfillment and contentment in our work, I feel we must also pursue two separate but equally powerful lines: I call those lines “Persistence” and “Resistance”.

 

Persistence

Persistence, in this case, allows for refinement and growth of our character and skillsets by pushing through and not quitting, even when our work might not be enjoyable.  There’s a reason I put Persistence before Resistance. If we cannot learn to recognize the enormous growth opportunity we have before us right now, it is unlikely we will ever learn those lessons.  Culture teaches us that if a job, relationship, or possession does not immediately give us what we want, it is acceptable to discard it and quickly seek the newer and shinier thing (for surely then we will experience that fulfilment we are craving).  I speak not only from the vantage point of a cultural observer but also from personal experience.  So many times in so many jobs I have held, I have experienced restlessness that seemed to whisper in my ear that my only chance at happiness lay elsewhere, not here in the discomfort where I currently stood.  

 

The Holy Door

I vividly remember an instance from my work in construction while still in college.  I had been tasked with boring the holes in a storm door to attach the bracket in order to install it.  Now before you judge me, I am a visual person.  I like visual things.  Like pictures and diagrams.  And here was this arrogant storm door, mocking me with its so called “installation guide” that, for all I knew, could have been a dissertation on Philosophical Arguments for the Subconscious Ramifications of Freud’s Psychoanalytic Concepts upon Post-Modern Western Civilization.  All that to say, I might have placed three different sets of holes in that door. All of them were wrong.

 

I panicked!

 

I had completely ruined my boss’s door and there was no one to blame but me.  In desperation, I considered getting in my car and driving away (I chose not to since it would have made conversation with him the next morning at the church we both attended quite awkward).  I couldn’t bear the thought of facing him and telling him my humiliating story.  I felt so dumb and so inadequate for my job.  However, I made the choice to persist in that situation.  Yes, I still felt humiliated by my mistake and, yes, he was understandably upset about how I had massacred the door.  But on that day, I gained something in my character that I never would have if I had fled the scene: strength.  By showing myself that I could push through challenges and difficult circumstances, I set up a precedent for myself that I can now rely upon the rest of my life.  By persisting in this situation when my fear and insecurity screamed at me to run and avoid the pain, I reminded myself of what I was capable of.  I learned that the strength of our character is indicative of the level of our perseverance.

 

Sadly, persistence has become a lost art.  When I look at the workers of previous generations, such as my grandfather, I see a strength in their dedication to the job that many of them held their entire life.  My grandfather David DeNeui worked as a type setter for his local newspaper the Bellingham Herald from high school until his retirement.  I am sure there were days when he tired of what he did and probably wanted to find something new and more exhilarating.  Yet he persisted and built a not only a career but also a reputation as a man of both character and integrity.  If only we could learn this lesson of persistence from those who have gone before us, imagine what our lives might look like.  

“The strength of our character is indicative of the level of our perseverance.”

 

Resistance

Once we have embraced the growth we can achieve from our first rail, we can then focus our attention on the second rail: resistance.  Demonstrating resistance in our pursuit of fulfilling work means taking a stand against complacency.  It is an act of defiance to the mundane and mediocre level of expectations that lie before us at arm’s length in pursuit of what is deeper and more life-giving just beyond our fingertips.  If persistence illuminates the treasure before us, resistance guides us to the treasure far away.  It requires courage and vision, both of which I know lie within you!

 

Courage to Ask

If you are to ride the rail of resistance (does anyone else hear “resistance” and feel the urge to grab a lightsaber and battle a Sith Lord?  Ok, just me), one thing you must be courageous enough to do is ask.  Perhaps you might recall the words of Jesus when he said, “Ask and you shall receive”.  Too often I believe we miss out on so much simply because we’re afraid to ask for things. We are afraid to ask for a promotion at work, afraid to ask for more opportunities doing projects we enjoy, afraid to ask for more flexible hours.  What are we leaving at the table because we’re not asking for it?

 

“Demonstrating resistance in our pursuit of fulfilling work means taking a stand against complacency.  It is an act of defiance to the mundane and mediocre level of expectations that lie before us at arm’s length in pursuit of what is deeper and more life-giving just beyond our fingertips.”

With all of that said, it’s important to add that people are not gumball machines.  You can’t just put a quarter in and out comes a gumball. It’s important to have sufficient rapport with the ones from whom you are requesting something.  The litmus test should be if you are actively pursuing how to add value to them (and they recognize it) and you have what I call “relational equity” with that person, be bold!  Ask away.  If you do it with respect and not in a slimy, manipulative way, the worst they can do is say no!

 

Courage to Pivot 

There are times in life where we come to a crossroad and we are forced to choose between one road and another.  Often times the right road is the most difficult one.  Rejecting apathy means saying “adieu” to the comfortable, flat path you’ve been on and gearing up to climb the steep trail that lies between you and your calling.  Don’t expect to see your destination from the crossroads between apathy and fulfillment because you won’t.  It will be somewhere beyond the next challenge, waiting for you to reach out in faith with fear in your heart and sweat on your brow, knowing that only once your fingers have bled upon the rocks of the unknown will they develop the callouses necessary to summit your destination. Perhaps this means leaving a comfortable career and stepping into the unknown.  Perhaps it is going back to school, asking to work on a project that is out of your league and completely terrifying.  If you’re worried about knowing which path is the right one, don’t be. If it’s the right thing to do, there will be a magnetic pull inside of you that may defy all logic but makes total sense in your soul.  

“Don’t expect to see your destination from the crossroads between apathy and fulfillment because you won’t.  It will be somewhere beyond the next challenge, waiting for you to reach out in faith with fear in your heart and sweat on your brow, knowing that only once your fingers have bled upon the rocks of the unknown will they develop the callouses necessary to summit your destination.”

  4’-8 ½”

The pursuit of fulfillment can be a dangerous journey.  If we’re not careful, we can lose our way due to either impatience or apathy.  When we find a way to embrace both the Persistence and Resistance lines of growth, we will discover the advantage that patience and self-discipline offer us at our fingertips and the thrill that courage and vision offer us just beyond.  There’s no reason we can’t arrive at our destination when we firmly fix ourselves to these two rails.  

 

Just remember to keep them 4’-8 ½” apart.

Microwave Focus

In the spirit of New Year’s Resolutions, I created a personal challenge for myself while at work . I challenged myself not to watch any videos on YouTube or look at social media for the whole day.

 

It was a wonderful couple of hours.

 

I didn’t even make it to noon before I post-rationalized the purpose of my challenge and reasoned with myself that of course it would be okay to bend the rules in order to please my unfocused little self.

 

It’s pathetic, and I know it.

 

A study done a few years ago found that our attention span has dropped four seconds in the past two decades to the point where we now have a shorter attention span than goldfish.  

 

GOLDFISH!!  

 

The average goldfish has an attention span of nine seconds.  We search for puppy videos after eight.

 

I really disliked what I saw in myself today.  I’ve suspected my ability to focus and be present was at risk for a long time but today revealed to me the extent of my condition.  I came to realize how quickly my mind becomes dissatisfied.  

I see this weakness in how quickly I lose interest in the mentally unstimulating work my job requires.  

I see it in my inability to still my mind during prayer and meditation. 

I see it in the way I restlessly skip song after song, as if the previous song were no longer capable of bringing me joy.

 

We have more information available at the click of a button than could have even been imagined a few decades ago and yet with the increase in technology, we have lost part of what it means to be human.  One author writes simply that “technological, and even economic, progress does not necessarily equal human progress.”  Essentially, this means that the flourishing of our souls and society will never come without the intentional and carefully deliberated acceptance or rejection of technology practices.  As the saying goes, just because you can doesn’t mean you should.  

Though we may try to disassociate our restlessness, exhaustion, or lack of spiritual devotion from our continual practice of allowing our attention to be decimated through a cacophony of competing sounds and images, we all know better.  

“The flourishing of our souls and society will never come without the intentional and carefully deliberated acceptance or rejection of technology practices.”

 

 We have just started a new decade.  With the new year being 2020, many have taken the opportunity to dedicate the year to improve their vision to be “2020”, and at risk of being cliché, I’m jumping on that same bandwagon.  What would it look like to sharpen our personal vison by strengthening our ability to focus?  I think it would look like less restlessness and more stability, less distraction and more clarity, less anxiety and more peace.  How do we get there?  Allow me to share with you three tools to help you grow your focus this year.

 

Be Inefficient

I love efficiency. It’s like my love language.  Show me how I can conquer the world a little bit faster and just try to escape the warmest embrace a beautiful person such as yourself has ever received.  With that said, it is the unspoken truth of our generation that, while efficiency has its place, no amount of prying with the crowbar of efficiency will ever remove the splinter of impatience.  If we are to take back our human progress, we must allow intentional inefficiencies back into our life.

 

Personally, my favorite is staring at a microwave while my food heats.

 

And by favorite I mean I can feel the temperature of my blood rise along with that of my lunch. I hate it.  Instinctively I think of all the emails I could be reading, dishes I could be cleaning, or social media posts I could mindlessly be scrolling through.  Yet I know there is meaning to the focused madness.  By forcing myself not to frantically cling to something, anything, to appease my pathetic sub-goldfish attention span, I am reminding my mind that I am in control and that I can focus.  

Because I will not be controlled by my technology.  

Because I can choose to be present.  

Because I’m better than a goldfish.

 

“It is the unspoken truth of our generation that, while efficiency has its place, no amount of prying with the crowbar of efficiency will ever remove the splinter of impatience.”

Stand Still

Around 3:00 every work day, I leave my desk and I go for a walk.  I walk outside to the now dry creek bed behind my office and I hop down into it.  Then I proceed to stare.  I’m very grateful I haven’t been deposited into a psych ward yet because I feel absolutely CRAZY sometimes.  Imagine just pausing in the middle of the crazy to take a few moments to just breathe.

 

To be present.

To stand still.

 

It seems simple, and it is. In fact, I’ve made it into a ritual of mine.  It’s now a part of my routine and I consider it crucial in my pursuit of the gift of presence.  Forcing ourselves to be still and to be present is incredibly powerful.  As I stand there in that dry creek bed with the crusty rocks beneath my feet, I do three things.  

First, I close my eyes and I focus my breathing.  Deep, full breath in through my nose, then an equally deep and full breath out through my mouth.  

Next, I literally say out loud “I am here”.  Telling myself “I am here” out loud helps ground me in the moment, dispelling distractions that keep me from being fully present.  I’ve also found that speaking out loud is much more effective than simply saying it in my mind (don’t judge me, we both know you talk to yourself too).  

Then, I imagine any thought that is not about my present state being forced out through my mouth along with my, choosing only to focus on my present senses.  

Finally, I fixate my thoughts on my physical senses, choosing to identify specific things like the fact that the noise I hear is coming from the rustling of the dry leaves to my left, or the fact that my toes are slightly colder that my knees, or the feel of that bent, rusty steel nail that was lying on the ground as I shift it back and forth between my cold fingertips.  

 

All this may sound a bit out there, but just try it for yourself and you’ll see how, over time, it will increase your mind’s ability to focus and remain grounded in the present.  

 Look Closer

I recently listened to a podcast interview with an author on his book about observation.  The author challenged the listener to specifically focus on things that one would not normally be aware of: the geometric shapes made by the fibers in your sweater, the colorful patterns of oxidized metal made by the resting water on your window sills, or the dozens and dozens of prickly blades surrounding that dry weed you normally try to avoid.  We might fool ourselves into thinking that the tiny details around us are not worth our focus, yet each one holds the power to expand our understanding of the world we live in. I have found that in the moments when I have chosen to allow myself to be enthralled by the simple beauty of these things, I’ve felt more connected with my environment, almost as if I discovered a secret that nobody else knows.  There is an orchestra of wonders hiding right before our eyes every day. Taking the time to observe and listen more closely can open up that world to us and help free us from the trap of distraction that surrounds us.

“We might fool ourselves into thinking that the tiny details around us are not worth our focus, yet each one holds the power to expand our understanding of the world we live in.”

 Winning the War 

If we are of the opinion that our culture is actually trying to fight against this plague of distraction, it might be safe to say we are losing the battle.  I, for one, want to resist the negative effects of technology and society upon my humanity.  Yes, we’ve lost some ground, but nothing has been lost that can’t be regained.  

Even though I might have succumbed to my lesser self when I eventually went to YouTube, I have to celebrate the little victory I achieved by saying no for those two hours.  Hopefully next time it will be three, then maybe four, until someday I have once again regained control over my own soul and mind.  

If I sound a bit dramatic it’s because I am.  We’re talking about a very real battle our souls are fighting against the tides of technology’s subliminal attack upon our wholeness!  If you want to live your best life this year (I hate how much I like saying that), I encourage you to intentionally clarify your 2020 vision by sharpening your focus.  

 

“If we are of the opinion that our culture is actually trying to fight against this plague of distraction, it might be safe to say we are losing the battle.”

 

Be inefficient.

 

Stand still.

 

Look closer.

 

Beat the goldfish.

1+1=11

I was this close to murdering our group synergy in cold blood.  

 

Two months prior I had accepted the volunteer interim youth director role at my church and I was stretched to my limits in regards to my time and energy.  Though I admit it seemed I was in over my head at times, things seemed to be going really well!  Our weekly gathering was functioning smoothly, leaders were all engaged and excited, and we had our eyes set on a youth retreat and missions trip in the near of future.  As we gathered together that November night as a leadership team to plan and prepare for the coming year, I felt good.  Tired, but good.

 

Then one of the leaders had an idea.

 

He pointed out that it seemed like the high school students were somewhat disenchanted with the level of fun and age-appropriate engagement we had for them each week, and rightfully so. We all knew that combining middle school and high school students together created a bit of an awkward environment for the high schoolers, and it was a problem we really wanted to solve. However, despite the fact that I knew this was a problem for the culture we were trying to create, I was in no way excited about adding yet another responsibility to my plate.  

 

That’s why, when he proposed creating a hangout time after youth group just for the high schoolers, my spine stiffened.  I could feel my inner self-preservation ninja emerge slowly from the shadows, throwing star in hand.  No matter how good the idea was, there was no way we could do this.  Of course I wanted to address the problem we all saw, but there simply was no way to do it (or so I told myself).  So, I began to graciously compliment him for his idea while letting him know that there was no way to make it happen.  Surely he would understand my logic and reasoning.  And if not, I would have no choice but to close my eyes and let the ninja do what ninjas do.

 

That’s when something began to change.  It was like an electric spark was lit in the room.  Other leaders began to echo the enthusiasm from the first leader.  They talked about how much they liked the idea of adding something else to the agenda as a way to create a fun and enjoyable experience that was partially lacking for our high schoolers.  And before any ninja star could lodge itself into the chest of the creative energy beginning to emerge, I started to reluctantly ask myself, “What if we COULD make this happen?”.  As I mulled over the possibility, I rejoined the discussion, this time from the other side of the battle line.  “Okay, WHAT IF this became a thing?  Who would lead it?  Where would it be?  What could we call it?”  After that, the floodgates were opened.  Ideas began to flow but ONLY because I had chosen to stop thinking from merely my point of view and to start thinking from the collective point of view of the group. The first leader was eager to take responsibility for the project and, within a month, we introduced “Yogurt and Chill”, the youth group after party for the high school students to gather around frozen yogurt for some time to just chill together as friends.  It was incredible.

 

1 + 1 = 11

What happened that night was something very exciting!  We had created something that had never existed for our youth group.  It goes without saying that the success of that night had rested on a throwing star’s edge, all because of me and my initial lack of faith in what we could accomplish as a team.  Too often we as leaders find ourselves in this type of situation, trying to join hands with others to create something incredible only to be thwarted by ourselves. What I discovered that night is something that all effective leaders must discover: the power of synergistic problem solving.  Synergy is the magical phenomenon that occurs when the whole is greater than the sum of its’ parts.  Instead of 1+1=2, the equations morphs and becomes 1+1=11!  In his book ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’, author Stephen Covey described synergy by saying, “It means that the relationship which the parts have to each other is a part in and of itself.  It is not only a part, but the most catalytic, the most empowering, the most unifying, and the most exciting part.”  In our situation, we began the night without synergy.  We were several people coming together who, by ourselves, could not create a workable solution to the problem our high schoolers had.  However, once we came together and allowed ourselves the freedom and space to ideate, an idea emerged that most likely would not have come forth if we had all spent the same amount of time thinking about it but on our own.  Our relationship with each other in that moment became an active creative force!  By combining our different perspectives, taste, and experience, we were able to discover a powerful, synergistic solution.

 

And I almost murdered it.

 

It Almost Didn’t Happen

I started that night focusing on myself.  I came to the table fixated on what my time limits were and then formed my ideas of what was possible based solely on those constraints.  One of the most paramount foundational requirements for creating synergy is trust, and to be honest I was struggling to trust my teammates.  Maybe you can relate?  As a leader, it can be difficult to release control over projects or responsibilities.  By not seeking to discover what others have to offer to the solution creation process, we squelch the flow of new and creative ideas.  It is only when we embrace what others have to bring to the table that we can experience the power of synergistic problem solving.  By allowing myself to trust my team and consider their strengths, resources, and perspectives, we were able to overcome my shortcomings as a leader.

 

Just like improvement as an athlete, musician, or speaker requires dedicated practice and focused training, so does the skill of orchestrating synergy.  Too many times in my leadership I have tried to generate synergy and failed.  However, it is only through trying and failing, and then trying and failing again, that we are able to develop the strength and skills to create a nurturing environment that supports and sustains synergistic creativity.  Through my journey of growing in this ability I have discovered that one of the best markers to gauge where I am at in my strength as a leader is how quickly I can process information and then make a decision accordingly.  Often times as leaders we are not given much time to decide upon a solution and we must very quickly factor in all of the relevant factors, synthesize the information, and propose a solution that appropriately addresses the problem.  On the day before my wedding, I discovered how much room I had to grow in this area.  We were running behind schedule on the wedding rehearsal and family and friends had already started showing up for the rehearsal dinner.  I wanted to go ahead and quickly finish up the rehearsal and my fiancée (now wife) was concerned about the unattended guests (not to mention how “hungry” was quickly morphing into “hangry” for many).  There was no time to sit and fully explain our feelings, our values, and where we were coming from, and I had to make a quick decision.  So, I decided that we would continue the practice for just a little bit longer.  

 

Wrong move.

 

Later I learned how, in my haste, I had failed to account for the preferences and values of my wife and others in that moment.  My decision-making muscle was not strong enough to factor in all of the necessary pieces of information and, hence, I made a decision that was very much NOT synergistic.  I had turned the equation into 1+1= ½.  Instead of murdering the synergy magic, I could have instead decided to factor in other peoples’ points of view by choosing to end practice early so that the new guests could be cared for while also ensuring that feelings of hanger were averted.  Then later I could have worked with our wedding coordinator to ensure that my values of preparation for the big day were achieved.  

 

“By not seeking to discover what others have to offer to the solution creation process, we squelch the flow of new and creative ideas.  It is only when we embrace what others have to bring to the table that we can experience the power of synergistic problem solving.”

Why Did It Work?

If we jump back to our first story, we can see that, despite my weaknesses as a leader and how I almost kept the magic from happening, clearly something was right given the positive result.  As I have looked back at this and other moments of synergistic solution creation (or lack thereof), I have identified three important steps in this:

- Build Trust

- Ask “What if?”

- Practice

 

Build Trust

The first and most important step is building trust.  As I said earlier, I found myself struggling to trust my team in that moment. However, thanks to a surplus of trust in my relationship bank accounts with the team members, we were still able to come together and make the magic happen.  This is often the first thing that leaders get wrong when they try to create ideas in a group.  They try to force their teammates to pour out their creative juices without first doing the hard work of earning their trust.  I always say that love can be given but trust must be earned.  The hard part about building trust is that it accumulates very slowly.  In order to build trust amongst your team, it requires an extended period of time of prioritizing them in both small and big ways.  It means asking them about how their weekend was before jumping in to giving them their tasks.  It means asking the quiet team member on the team what their opinion is when no one else will.  It means publicly admitting your faults and errors when you mess up.  These may seem like little things but believe me, they add up. Only once you have built trust amongst each other will you be able to create an environment where your people feel safe to let down their guard and add their creativity to the synergy pot.

“The hard part about building trust is that it accumulates very slowly.  In order to build trust amongst your team, it requires an extended period of time of prioritizing them in both small and big ways.”

 Ask “What If?”

Did you know that “what” and “if”, when combined, are two of the most powerful words in the human language? Think about it.  Without “What if”, we would continue to be content with the mundane and typical.  “What if” implies the possibility of a better future, one where a part of it is somehow better than the present.  It wasn’t until I asked myself “WHAT IF this idea could work?” that I removed the logs that were jamming our stream of creative synergy.  In order to become skilled at facilitating synergy, we must ensure that the question “What If?” is an integral part of our vocabulary.

 

It is equally important to recognize that while, on the one hand, “What if?” has the power to shape the future in a more positive way, it has the inverse capability to damn it. “WHAT IF the leaders don’t come through and I have to pick up the slack?  WHAT IF all the students think it’s a dumb idea and we lose even more interest?  WHAT IF we find out that it’s a lot harder than we thought?”.  These are all “what if’s” I could have focused on and doing so would undoubtedly have changed the result.  If you’re serious about creating synergistic solutions, you must lead the charge by shaking your fist at the sky of today while blowing the trumpet in celebration of tomorrow.

 

“Only once you have built trust amongst each other will you be able to create an environment where people feel safe to let down their guard and add their creativity to the synergy pot.”

Practice

My karate instructors used to tell me, “Practice doesn’t make perfect.  PERFECT practice makes perfect.”  If we want to become leaders skilled in the art of synergy, we must do more than blindly blunder from one failed attempt to another.  Instead, we must lift up our eyes and in order to fixate them upon our destination, the place where synergistic solutions are allowed to flourish.  Then we must intentionally plot our course accordingly.  This is what perfect practice means.  Obviously we will make mistakes along the way, so don’t think that I’m saying we aren’t allowed to make mistakes.  Instead, what I’m saying is that the important thing is to keep the goal in mind as we work on strengthening our synergy muscles.  

“Practice doesn’t make perfect.  PERFECT practice makes perfect.”

 

 

Start out with grace for yourself when you make mistakes, but quickly follow that grace with a strategy on how to not fall in that same hole.  For me, this means recognizing my struggle with trusting that my teammates have great value they can bring to the table and that I must celebrate it to achieve the optimal synergistic solution.  It also means admitting my weakness in processing information fast enough in order to choose solutions that recognize others’ desires and then choosing to strategically focus on growing that specific skillset of mine when future opportunities arise.  Don’t waste your growth opportunities by applying the same mindset to a problem that has already failed you before (some might even call this the definition of “insanity”). 

 

Murderer to Creator

If you’ve ever been a part of a successful collaborative effort, you’ve felt the electrifying flood of synergy as it joined the creative spirits of the participants in a way that can only be described as “ethereal”.  It’s as if the excitement is palpable, making you want to scoop it into a mason jar and save it for the times in your life when that energy seems so lacking.  Well, my friend, with the right practices and intentionality, there is no need for mason jars.  Once we take the time to Build Trust within our teams, incorporate the question “What If?” into our regular vocabulary, and Practice in a focused and intentional manner, we can begin to take our leadership capacity to the next level by transforming into creative synergistic problem solvers.  By choosing to grow in these three areas, you can move from being a synergy murderer to a synergy creator.  

 

Only then will 1+1=11.

Filled

A few years ago, the Coskey family was faced with an unfortunate situation.  The family of seven had discovered a break in their water line, which would require a $900 repair job.  With their unsteady employment situation, the timing of the incident was far from ideal. That’s when they got their water bill. Over the period of two months, their typically 10,000 gallon a month usage had skyrocketed to 274,000 gallons, costing them a total of $2500!  All for water that they had not even used!

 

While the Coskey example is extreme, there is one part of their painful story that resonates with every one of us.  While we may not have $2,500 water bills, our relationships, jobs, and health are paying the price for a broken understanding of work and rest.  When you read that last sentence, did you feel yourself get tense?  Don’t worry, it’s not just you.  We live in a culture that works harder and longer than just about any other culture before yet our rates of depression and anxiety are abnormally high.  Our connection to healthy work and rest cracked a long time ago.  Since that crack first appeared, our society has slowly been losing its grasp on the way in which we were designed to live out our humanity.

 

I finished graduate school several years ago and have since had the privilege of looking back on my college years as I have reflected upon my own unhealthy connection to work and rest.  As an architecture student, I was expected to spend abnormally long hours developing my designs, prohibiting me from getting the healthy amount of sleep my body and spirit required.  No day of the week was safe from my grueling homework demands and it left me consistently feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally frayed.  I would compare it to how one would feel standing tip toe on the brink of a breakdown, fearing that even the tiniest additional assault to my sleep or emotions would push me over the edge.  However, I was able to justify this unhealthy and life-sucking status I maintained for most of this season of my life by the excuse that I loved what I was doing and that all the pain would be worth it in the end.  

 

“Our connection to healthy work and rest cracked a long time ago.  Since that crack first appeared, our society has slowly been losing its grasp on the way in which we were designed to live out our humanity.”

 

Don’t get me wrong!  I really was/am in love with my architectural vocation!  But despite the enjoyment I received from accomplishing work that I loved, I still felt that my “trampoline” was out of whack (see my previous blog).  Without realizing it, I had discovered that the joy we receive from pursuing fulfilling work is endangered when it is pursued at the expense of our human need for balanced levels of work and rest.

 

Near the end of my college season, I became so fascinated with the concept of the Jewish practice of Sabbath that I began to study it by listening to podcasts and reading books on the topic.  What I learned reshaped the way I chose to design my life.  Ever since ancient times, the Jews had been very careful to follow the 10 commandments they had received through Moses.  The fifth commandment was to “remember the Sabbath day”.  On that day, the Jews were to rest from their work. The Hebrew word for rest is shabat (which is where the word “Sabbath” comes from). It can be directly translated to mean “stop” or “be complete”, but it can also be translated “to celebrate”.  You see the Sabbath was meant to be more than just a day where the Jews caught up on sleep, but rather it was a time of reflection and celebration, a time where they could sit and enjoy the work they had completed the previous six days.  

“The joy we receive from pursuing fulfilling work is endangered when it is pursued at the expense of our human need for balanced levels of work and rest.”

 

 

Picture this: a farmer stands on his back porch after a long hard week of working in the fields. As he plops his sweaty, weary body down in his favorite rocking chair, he can almost hear his thankful muscles and joints sing out “Hallelujah!” in joyful ecstasy.  As the golden red sun begins to slowly set in the West, he looks out over his fields and surveys the fruit (or in this case vegetables) of his labor. The corners of his mouth turn up ever so slightly as he gently rocks back and forth, back and forth. Undoubtedly there still remains endless amounts of work the coming week but for now, he relishes the moment of quietly satisfying peace, a peace that settles deeper into his bones than any aches or groans ever could.

 

This is what it means to celebrate our work.  It is the holy interlude of quiet solemnity when our spirit is still long enough to survey what we have accomplished in joyous gratitude, the life-giving tension between toil recently quitted and toil yet to come.  It ought to be a treasured and cherished part of our lives.  Yet how often do we find ourselves exhausted and spent, as if chained to the incessantly moving plows of our careers, to-do lists, hobbies, and responsibilities?  Society might have created the monster of exhaustion but it is we who adopted it, fed it, and embraced it. As this monster’s power of manipulation and coercion grew, it was not long before the pet would become the master.

 

“This is what it means to celebrate our work.  It is the holy interlude of quiet solemnity when our spirit is still long enough to survey what we have accomplished in joyous gratitude, the life-giving tension between toil recently quitted and toil yet to come.”

 

I believe we can begin to loosen the chains around our neck when we start to reexamine our relationship with work.  As I have challenged my own understanding of how humans were made to live, particularly through the teaching and writing of author John Mark Comer (check out his book Garden City for more on this topic), I began to see work through the metaphor of water.  As this metaphor for work began to clarify my understanding of the matter, I came to see work (or any task for that matter) in one of these three categories: Unfulfilling, Fulfilling, or Refilling.

 

Unfulfilling

Picture in your mind a pitcher of water and an empty glass.  The pitcher represents what you might call our “life levels”.  When it is full, we are full of life mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  When it is empty, so are we.  The cup represents our purpose.  When it remains empty, we also feel a sense of emptiness due to the fact that there lies a part of our purpose still incomplete.  However, when that cup is filled through our life’s actions (i.e. the water), it brings a great sense of satisfaction and purpose, like we are doing the thing that we were made to do.  Now picture holding the empty cup of water underneath the pitcher of water as you slowly tip the pitcher over…only to spill all of the water on the ground! Now the pitcher is empty and so is the cup.  Completely unfulfilled.

We can arrive in this state when we find ourselves in a job, relationship, or responsibility where our time, energy, and effort is required of us yet no feeling of satisfaction results.  It is the man who takes out the trash for his spouse but only after much nagging, resulting in an empty trash can but also an empty life.  It is the woman who arrives to work Monday morning already wishing it was Friday as she receives no joy or satisfaction from what she does, just a paycheck and, yet again, an empty life.

Unfulfilling work or tasks are probably the saddest because they truly are a waste.  The empty pitcher and empty cup are emblematic of the frustrating state of giving and giving of our energy and seeming to receive no lasting feeling of fulfillment in return.  Yet for many, this is reality.  

 

Fulfilling

Let’s take a step back in time and try that metaphor again. Picture holding the empty cup of water underneath the pitcher of water as you again slowly tip the pitcher over, but this time EUREKA!  The cup in your hand which was previously empty has now transformed into – you guessed it – a full cup of water!  Instead of disappointment as you look at all that spilled water on the ground, your face is filled with satisfaction as you hold that cup of cold, fresh water up to your lips, tip it back, and enjoy its refreshing affect upon your dehydrated body. You enjoy it so much that you fill the cup again!  As your body feeds upon the life-giving water, you repeat the act, again and again, until finally there is no longer any more water to be poured out.  While much more hydrated, you now find that you are empty with nothing left to give.

 

This is the field where most of us tend to camp out.  It is a place of partial yet exhausted fulfillment. This is where I spent most of my college days.  While the work I was producing and the accomplishments I was achieving were truly fulfilling and deeply satisfying, no amount of accomplishment or achievement could replace my desperate need for replenishing my pitcher.  Maybe you can relate with this state in which I found myself. Perhaps you also feel as if your life is one continual sprint in which you find yourself running and running, desperately trying to get somewhere only to discover that you have been running on a treadmill the whole time.  

 

While necessary, I believe that fulfilling work has the dangerous power to trick us into thinking that fulfillment is all we need to be whole.  When confronted about this exhaustive state, many respond by stating that “I don’t need rest, I enjoy working”, or something along those lines.  To add insult to injury, not only is this dilemma ignored, it is encouraged!  When we see these hard working energizer bunnies keep going and going and going, instead of encouraging them to rest before they reach burnout, we celebrate them! We praise their ability to keep going without quitting, as if they weren’t human beings in need of rest from time to time.  I once heard it said that the Sabbath is the only one of the ten commandments that we can break and receive praise for doing so.  How sad but true!

“Fulfilling work has the dangerous power to trick us into thinking that fulfillment is all we need to be whole.”

 

 

Refilling

Once more, we hold in our hands our pitcher and our cup of water. We have just finished drinking the last drop of water from our cup and now both the cup and the pitcher are as dry as dust.  When we were stuck in the “fulfilling” category, we were enamored with the fulfilling water but with no way to replenish our life levels.  However, the difference between the “fulfilling” and the “refilling” categories is this: now you take the time to refill your pitcher! Imagine that.  Author Stephen Covey said it’s like taking the time to sharpen your ax.  The longer you hack at a tree with a dull instrument, the more it dulls and the longer it takes.  When we take a step back from our work in order to refill our pitchers, we experience something unexplainable, a sort of rebirth that can only be achieved through rest. Remember where we left our farmer? He was sitting in his rocking chair on his back porch looking out over his fields as he REFILLED his tank so that he could go out again the next day and do it all again.  He knew the secret was to stop for just a moment and simply be. Can you imagine yourself doing like the farmer and intentionally inserting a pause of joyful rest and celebration into your life?  When we seek the truest and deepest level of human fulfillment, prioritizing time to be refilled is non-negotiable.

 

The Difference

If we go back to the farmer’s back porch, the question we must now ask ourselves is what constitutes “refilling” activities?  Does it mean you must go find a porch with a rocking chair and a western view of a corn field?  While that does sound mighty appealing, not exactly.  As I’ve considered this question in my own life, I’ve come up with the following guidelines in deciding what is “refilling”:

 

 

1.   It is not obligatory.  If I feel even a hint of obligation, it constitutes as work, which is a great thing but definitely not “refilling”.

2.   It may vary.  Sometimes what refills my pitcher is going for a hike, sometimes it is taking a nap.  I give myself the freedom to change my activity depending on what I perceive my body, mind, and spirit need in the moment.

3.   It is free of judgment.  I will openly admit that I love movies and I, at times, feel guilty for enjoying them.  I often feel the desire to convince the world that I’m incredibly epic, only to realize that if people care about anything more than being epic, it’s being authentic.  And sometimes I authentically love Netflix.

  

“When we seek the truest and deepest level of human fulfillment, prioritizing time to be refilled is non-negotiable.”

Thou Shalt Rest

The Hebrews had a little formula for knowing how much “sabbathing” to do.  Essentially it came out to be about 14% of their lives (or one day a week).  It’s remarkable how their ratio of work to rest empowered them to face some incredibly difficult obstacles.  One person shared a story of the Jews during the Holocaust and how they fought to continue honoring the Sabbath even while in captivity.  These devout Jews went so far as to celebrate in latrines and bathrooms so as not to be disturbed by their Nazi brutalizers.  However, once the Nazis surmised that it was adherence to the Sabbath that empowered them to not lose their spirits, the Nazi captors did everything they could to disrupt the Jews’ day of rest, even going so far as to withhold food from them on that day.  One Nazi soldier wrote to a commanding officer, “We have learned that if we can disturb the Sabbath of the Jews, they will then lose all their confidence and their hope.”

 

There is something mysteriously powerful that occurs when we break the mold of our rest-deprived society.  We hold the power to once again become master over the beast of exhaustion by embracing a healthy life rhythm that circulates between pouring out in fulfilling work and then filling back up.  It is a cycle that was never meant to be broken and, when honored, will yield incredible results.  Can I challenge you to give it a try?  Don’t be like the Coskey’s broken water pipe.  There is a better way to pour out your life’s energy, a way that will leave you feeling both fulfilled and refilled (and $2,500 richer).  Regardless of whether your productivity increases or you’re able to accomplish more by resting more (which I do believe will happen), I guarantee your mind, body, and spirit will begin to sing a beautiful song to the world that perhaps has never been sung before.  You will discover the irreplaceable wonders of a life that is lived in harmony with the natural rhythms we were created to embrace.

 

So go ahead and pour out, enjoy, and fill’er back up.  

Too Many Bananas

Something mystical happens when I pass through the sliding glass doors of a supermarket.  Before I cross that mysterious threshold, I have a clear and logical awareness of my dietary needs.  I know which foods I will need for the week and how much of them I will need.  Then, something strange happens.  It’s as if a step into the grocery store is a step into the twilight zone, the middle ground between light and shadow, science and superstition.  It is in this dimension of imagination that I quickly lose all form of reason or memory.

(Photo Credit: Digital Trends)

 

It is here I forget how many bananas I’m capable of consuming.

 

It may seem dramatic but I assure you it is no exaggeration. I know precisely how many bananas I need each week to meet my insatiable appetite for breakfast smoothies, yet low and behold, time after time I again find my pantry stuffed with the squishy, yellow, freckled carnage of my fruit lusting eyeballs.  

 

How often do we find ourselves in a similar place in life, lusting after more than we can sanely consume?  Replace ‘bananas’ with whatever your drug of choice is and you’ll know what I mean: time, money, toys, relationships, accomplishments, houses, you get the picture.  I clearly recognize I have a problem with bananas but do we recognize our problems with the others?  Just as my eyes have a tendency to grow bigger than my fruit basket, so our to do lists expand beyond 24 hours and our wish lists have more decimal points than our checking account.  How do we continue to fool ourselves into thinking that buying a dozen bananas is a good idea when our exasperated hindsight desperately screams at us that six is all we need?  

 

Perhaps it is because we have not yet identified our value thresholds.

 

Value thresholds exist with every resource we have in our life, whether it be time, relationships, toys, or bananas.  

 

For every resource we possess, there is a theoretical curve that exists.  This curve illustrates how our value for the resource changes depending on how much of that resource we possess.  With whatever the resource is, there is a natural tendency to experience an initial spike in appreciation when the amount of that resource is slim to none.  Take bananas for example.  Picture yourself in a world with no bananas (stop crying, we’re just pretending).  Imagine your insatiable desire for the pure, fresh taste of that one banana blended perfectly into your cold, refreshing breakfast smoothie.  Picture it as it mixes in a heavenly dance with its angelic counterparts of vanilla protein powder, almond milk, kale, and frozen blueberries and mangoes.  Imagine the spike of joy and purpose your life would be injected with in that long-awaited moment as you take the first delectable sip.  Oh, how you value that banana!  You feel it, right?  Now imagine that shortly after you finish that 24 ounces of ecstasy, BAZINGA!!  Another banana appears!!  What joy!  What excitement!  While it might not be quite as exciting as your first banana, the feeling is still certainly joyful and appreciative.  You do still appreciate this second banana, just maybe slightly less than the first one (as a second born I can relate to this banana).  Now imagine the same thing happens a third, fourth, and fifth time. With each banana comes a waning sense of appreciation for it.  Now imagine instead of one banana at a time it becomes two, then three, then six, then a dozen bananas.  Can you imagine how quickly your fruit basket would become a fruit fly bungalow?  

 

Eventually you will reach what I call a value threshold.  Up unto this point each additional banana has brought added joy to your life, even though each consecutive banana brings consistently less amounts of joy than the previous.  One finally reaches a banana where the “yum” factor just isn’t there. From this point forward, something unfortunate happens: you begin to value your bananas less and less, perhaps even reaching a point where you no longer like bananas!  You may try to force yourself to keep enjoying them the way you used to when there were less, but it is a “fruitless” effort.  

 

Every resource we possess in life follows a pattern similar to our “banana curve”.  We inevitably extend the greatest amount of value to our resources when we have less of them.  As time goes on, that value slowly diminishes to the point where we reach the value threshold.  From this point on, that resource switches from an addition to our lives to a detraction. Try as we might, we cannot force ourselves to value that resource in its oversupplied state any more than we can force ourselves to enjoy a dozen overripe, fruit fly infested bananas when six perfectly ripened bananas would have sufficed.

 

There’s a proverb that goes like this: “A lazy man does not roast his game but a diligent man prizes his possessions.”  Imagine a man returning from the hunt with a magnificent kill that could feed him and his family for the coming weeks.  Yet instead of cleaning the animal and quartering the meat, he instead goes out to get another one (after all, the first one was so rewarding and if one is good then two are surely better).  However, by the time the hunter returns two days later with not one but three more kills, he discovers that his game from the previous hunt has now spoiled.  

 

If only he had prized his possessions.

 

“A lazy man does not roast his game but a diligent man prizes his possessions.”

 

 

We live in a period of great prosperity where the possibility to possess more and more is nearly endless. The apostle Paul once said that, “Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.”  In a world that preaches the gospel of more, we can choose to follow the gospel of less. Culture quietly whispers to us that another hobby, another side hustle, another volunteer position is all that stands between us and total satisfaction. It tells us that the upgraded car or newer house is the ticket to our fulfillment.  Despite its humble appearance, the gospel of more is surprisingly tenacious.  Many of us fall prey to its heresy while claiming that we truly do prioritize our overflowing resource.  We can say what we want about the things we value in life but it is our actions, not our words, that reveal our priorities.

 

It would be difficult not to recognize the societal decline in value of our resources.  We work more now than ever before and yet have higher rates of suicide and depression. We have more hobbies and side hustles yet satisfaction seems painfully elusive.   Our fruit baskets have become saturated with the weight of an unreasonable number of bananas. And we are to blame.

 

“We can say what we want about the things we value in life but it is our actions, not our words, that reveal our priorities.”

 

So what does it look like to deeply cherish and value our resources? It starts by figuring out what you really want in life.  And I mean what you REALLY want in life.  It’s been said that good is the enemy of great.  What are the greatest things you could fill your life with?  Grab on to those tightly and throw away the merely “good” things. Steve Jobs once said, “I’m as proud of what we don’t do as I am of what we do.”  Don’t be afraid to say no to the things that will take away from the value of what matters most to you.  Next, find your value thresholds.  Do you value these lines as life-giving boundaries or do you charge past them in the vain pursuit of the gospel of more?  Once you recognize that you will only value your resource less and less after crossing that threshold, you can begin to create healthy practices in your life that will help you to maximize the value of your resources to you.  Remember, it’s one thing to say you value something, it’s another thing to act like it.  Show me your actions and I’ll show you your priorities.

 

“What are the greatest things you could fill your life with?  Grab on to those tightly and throw away the merely “good” things.”

 

Can you smell hints of overripe bananas in your life?  Can you look to your schedule or possessions and see instances where you have pushed beyond your value thresholds? Imagine, for a second, what your life could be if there was less.  Imagine the greater freedom you could experience if you stripped life down to only the great things and began to honor your value thresholds.  And now, as you consider these things, I leave you with this “interpretation” of the proverb I shared earlier:

 

“A DISTRACTED man does not roast his bananas, but a diligent man prizes his bananas.”

 

Go prize your bananas.

The Trampoline Principle

Can you remember the last time you jumped on a trampoline? For some of us that may be longer than others but try and take yourself back to your most vivid trampoline memory. Imagine the feel of the mat beneath your toes, the beat of your heart as you shot into the sky, the sight of the earth as your feet floated up and up.  Perhaps the more adventurous ones can recall flipping backwards and forwards with ease, as if you were weightless and gravity had no hold on you.  Does the recollection of that memory fill you with happiness and childlike delight like it does me?

(Image by Slate Magazine)

There’s really nothing like jumping on a trampoline. That rush of being jettisoned into the sky can make us feel more alive than almost anything else.  Yet none of it would be possible if it weren’t for this amazing thing we call a trampoline. I’ve had trampolines on my mind a lot recently but for a reason other than the fact that they bring so much delight.  To me, they have come to represent a powerful reality in life that controls whether our relationships, leadership, and lives are filled chaos or balance.  

Or should I say “tension”.  

At its most basic level, the trampoline experience rests upon the successful management of this one word: tension.  Without any bells or whistles, trampolines consist of three integral parts: rigid tubing, a flexible jumping mat, and springs which hold the tubing and the mat together. If you try to utilize any of these parts in isolation, you’ll be sorely disappointed.  Picture someone trying to use only one of the three components, thinking he or she could still bounce but just a third as high.  It’s probably safe to say that the only thing they would achieve by jumping on a grounded mat is a loss of dignity.  This is because in order to achieve the bounce you’re looking for, there must be tension between the rigid structure and the flexible membrane.  

(Image by Trampoline and More)

This idea of tension between trampoline components is very easily applied to tensions we experience in everyday life. While there are many tensions we must manage on a daily basis, I have found this tension between structure and flexibility to be especially potent in the context of effective leadership.  In his book “The Power of Healthy Tension”, author Tim Arnold describes this tension as just one of many “Polarities”.  Arnold describes a polarity as “a situation in which two ideas, opinions, etc., are completely opposite from each other, yet equally valid and true.”  As I have contemplated this principle and wrestled with how to apply the lessons I took from trampolines to my own life and leadership, I developed what I call “the trampoline principle”, which is this: effectiveness is directly proportionate to how well tension between structure and flexibility is managed.  

 

Two years ago, I served as the interim youth director at my church.  During that time, I had many opportunities to learn how important this tension was (and how bad I was at managing it).  If I were to relate myself to one of the trampoline components, I wouldn’t hesitate to claim shared heritage with rigid tubing.  I am a rule follower to the ‘T’, I love processes and procedures, and nothing turns me on like crossing the last item off of my “To Do” list.  While I wouldn’t say I started out being COMPLETELY incompetent at being flexible and extending grace when rules and processes weren’t adhered to, I was pretty dang close.  I still recall the angst and frustration that would come over me many a night when computers and other equipment would malfunction, leaders would show up late, or things simply didn’t go according to plan.  These deviations from my rigid, structured expectation of how the evenings’ events should occur would quickly send me into a frenzy, leading me to take out my frustrations on other leaders through curt remarks, impatient demands, and an overall lack of approachability.  I was trying to achieve my high expectations by jumping on a pitiful “trampoline” that consisted of a rigid tube structure with no jumping mat or springs to hold them together (which is really just a sad excuse for a jungle gym).  I was dysfunctional but I didn’t know how to change.

“Effectiveness is directly proportionate to how well tension between structure and flexibility is managed. ”

 

That’s when I began to seriously consider how to apply my own trampoline principle to my leadership.  I began to ask myself what it could look like to incorporate more flexibility into my leadership style while still staying true to my God-given strengths as a disciplined and structured leader.  As I considered this possibility, I remembered a story of two sisters who invited a great teacher and family friend of theirs over for dinner.  Martha, the hypothetical rigid tube, takes the initiative to invite him over.  She is clearly a good host and works hard to serve him both before the teacher comes and while he is there.  Meanwhile, sister Martha, the hypothetical flexible jumping mat, chooses not to help eager beaver Mary out with food prep and instead plops down next to the master and listens to him as he tells stories.  This does not sit well with Martha and she complains to the master about her sister not helping.  The master responded by saying, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Many have misinterpreted this story to mean Mary’s flexibility and willingness to go with the flow is the best way to achieve effectiveness in life, but that is only partially true.  If we return to the beginning of the story, we find that it was not Mary who made the event possible but rather “stick-up-her-butt” Martha (I can’t help but imagine Mary giving her sister a name such as this). Martha’s initiative and disciplined method of living made it possible for Mary to even have the chance to hear the master speak.  In essence, Martha’s structure became the anchor which allowed Mary the freedom to experience the joy of living freely in the moment.  It was a symbiotic bond in which both entities were inherently opposite yet simultaneously integral.  

 

If we return to “The Power of Healthy Tension”, the author explains how these opposite inclinations are all part of the equation in achieving what he calls a “higher purpose”.  I don’t think our trampoline could do a better job at illustrating what it is like when two opposite entities, held together in tension, work to achieve the higher purpose of becoming more effective leaders and human beings.  

 

“Martha’s structure became the anchor which allowed Mary the freedom to experience the joy of living freely in the moment.  It was a symbiotic bond in which both entities were inherently opposite yet simultaneously integral.  ”

I have come to find that it is not a matter of WHICH is better but rather a question of WHEN is it better. As I grew in my journey toward becoming a better leader who could manage the tension between structure and flexibility, I learned that I did not need to sacrifice one for the other.  Instead, I learned how to discern which tool to use given the situation.  In doing so I learned to distinguish when I should practice flexibility and when I needed to rely on structure.  In this practice I discovered a key realization: our organization functioned at its best when we created systems and procedures that allowed flexibility to easily weave throughout.  We also must not forget to mention the fact that we are unique human beings with unique needs and not rigid, simplistic robots. All the structure and systems I had created were really pretty awesome and would have functioned perfectly if it hadn’t been for the fact that people were involved.  People are messy.  

“Our organization functioned at its best when we created systems and procedures that allowed flexibility to easily weave throughout.”

“All the structure and systems I had created were honestly amazing and would have functioned perfectly if it hadn’t been for the fact that people were involved; people are messy.  ”

 

While still ongoing for me, this process has dramatically opened up more opportunities for growth in myself and the organizations that I lead.  I’m confident that applying the trampoline principle to your own life and/or organization will also aid you in increasing your own effectiveness.  Whether or not you partake in the joy of jumping on trampolines, you can always grow your capacity for changing the world by learning to harmoniously manage the tension between structure and flexibility.  And as our ability to manage this tension heightens, our effectiveness is sure to follow.

Have a nice jump.   

To Be or To Do, That is the Question

Existential Moment

As I stood next to the bubbling creek in the warm summer sun, I let my mind drift into its standard existential meandering.  The topics of these mental excursions often drifted toward my purpose and how I could get closer to fulfilling what I was made to do. In my opinion, with only one life to live, I’m quite drawn to the idea of living it well.  Figuring out my purpose on this earth seems like an excellent way to achieve that goal.  

So there I stood, fully embracing the clique as I asked myself, “What is the meaning of life?”  While there are infinite ways to answer this question, all of my observations and personal conclusions have led me to the opinion that there are two camps in this discussion: the one concludes that life’s meaning consists of the tangible things we accomplish while the other stakes its claim upon the belief that it is rather the intangible experiences that matter. Does the solution live in one camp or the other?  Or perhaps it stands somewhere in the middle with one foot in each camp?

To some, life makes the most sense when saturated with lists and goals.  To others, satisfaction comes from conversations and stillness.  By nature, we are all made with a certain leaning toward one side or the other.  I personally find myself somewhat in the middle, though I do tend to set up shop in the “doing” camp more often than not (I can assure you it is not natural for me to stare absent-mindedly into a creek when there are tasks to achieve and people to avoid).  So there I was, standing on a road above the middle of the creek, letting my mind ponder the mystery of purpose and life.

That’s when I thought of verbs.

In my elementary school, the method used to teach English grammar was catchy little jingles.  Okay, they were utterly abysmal and cheesier than a dad joke Instagram feed, but I can’t deny that those little jingles will remain in my mind forever.  

 

For.  Ever.

 

So there I was recalling the verb jingle that I had first heard 20 years ago.  It went like this:

 

“A verb, a verb. What is a verb? Haven’t you heard? There are two kinds of verbs: the action verb and the linking verb.”

 

I’ll spare you the rest because the beginning is enough to show why this moment of déjà vu was making such a crater in the surface of my body of thought.  A verb by definition is a word used to describe an action, state, or occurrence. Essentially, you might think of verbs as our fingerprint upon the world, the proof that we exist.  It is essentially the scrapbook of changes made to the world due to our presence.  So if we are going to talk about purpose, verbs seem like a pretty good place to start.

What struck me most about the concept of the verb was the fact that there are two types.  I think we all understand action verbs: swim, work, hike, love, climb, etc. They’re tangible and it’s clear to see that you are “doing” something.  The linking verbs, not so much.  Linking verbs are things like be, feel, become, etc.  There aren’t as many but they are integral to life.  They describe existence and state.  They may be harder to nail down but they are every bit as important when it comes to verbally expressing the world around us.

“Get to the point, DeNeui!”  Roger that.

The point is this: if we have formed our paradigm of life around the idea that our purpose exists exclusively in either “doing” or “being”, we run the risk of life stealing our purpose and, hence, our hope when things don’t turn out the way we expect them to (which is quite often). Nothing could illustrate this more clearly than the existential crisis many “do-ers” experience upon suffering a debilitating injury which prevents them from doing the things that have always brought their life purpose.  

In contrast to this paradigm, I have found that our souls are hardwired to experience the optimal state of thriving through the pursuit of the wisdom behind the unique purposes of action and linking verbs.  At the intersection of being and doing is where our soul will find its deepest satisfaction. It is a place where neither disaster nor mundanity can rob us of our two-fold purpose in life; to be and to do. There’s something powerful about thinking of our purpose from the “verb” lens.  I believe that if we apply it to our life and choose to live in the beautiful tension between “action” and “linking”, we will discover the freedom to be who we were truly made to be.

 

“At the intersection of being and doing is where our soul will find its deepest satisfaction. It is a place where neither disaster nor mundanity can rob us of our two-fold purpose in life; to be and to do.”

 

The “Do-er”

 To my fellow “do-ers”, I have some ideas on how we can improve our state of tension between “doing” and “being”. First, don’t forget that people are ultimately what matter.  While “doing” can be a great way of showing how much you care about others, sometimes “being” with them is all that’s needed.  My challenge for you is to start a conversation with someone and intentionally choose not to look at your phone or get distracted by all the things you need to do next.  Just be with them.  You’d be surprised at the feeling of richness you’ll uncover when you allow yourself the freedom to let go of the “doing” and relish the “being.

Another tip that will help you embrace being more is practicing the art of presence.  Essentially this entails taking an intentional amount of time to be still and center your mind in the present.  Don’t think about what you need to get done or what happened yesterday. Simply focus your mind on your surroundings.  I’ve made it a daily routine of mine to stand next to a creek each afternoon for a few minutes and focus my mind on my body’s state of being.  In my mind, I list out what my body is sensing: the sound of the birds and the wind, the feeling of the breeze across my face, the pressure of the rocks beneath my feet.  All of this aids me in regaining a sense of being centered in the moment.  It’s sort of like my fortress against the battering rams of worry and anxiety that come from focusing too much on the never-ending list of things to do.

Above all, you must understand this: your purpose goes beyond the tangible improvements you make to the world.  Only once doers discover the beauty and value of their simple presence will they arrive at a place of deep peace and fulfillment.

“Your purpose goes beyond the tangible improvements you make to the world.”

 

The “Be-er”

To my “be-ers” (not to be confused with “beers”), while I cannot relate with you in the same way I do with the do-ers, I can offer up some simple tips that might help you in your journey toward healthy “doing” and “being” tension.  First, block off an hour or two in one of your days to do some intentional “self-work” that will help you become more like the person you deep down desire to be.  I can assure you that the person you were meant to be is never the one standing in your shoes.  I know that for me, I find it is impossible to know what steps I should take in becoming that person if I don’t first know which direction I should go.  Andy Stanley once said that “Everybody gets somewhere in life.  Some people get somewhere on purpose”.  

Before taking action steps in your life to help you get closer to where you want to be, first make sure you know where you want to go.  Often times it helps to write out a mission or vision statement for your life, but any tool that helps you intentionally map out your life’s journey will work.  The richness and depth you feel from investing your time into the lives of loved ones and times of deep introspection do not have to be replaced with action verbs in order to live fulfilled, just supplemented. 

 

“The person you were meant to be is never the one standing in your shoes.”

 

The Question

If I had a dollar for every time someone said “Life is about…”, I still wouldn’t be any closer to fully understanding the complexity behind this topic.  I would however be able to ponder it while sipping a sweet drink on a white sandy beach far, far away…

But I digress.

The question is this: can we arrive at a place where our purpose is derived both from doing AND being? Can we hold the tension between the two and hold it well? What it looks like for you and what it looks like for me will most certainly be different.  Yet only when we are in pursuit of that tension will we discover our deepest gladness.  Let us not forget the joy in pursuing balanced purpose in life.  Instead, let us seek to bring our “doing” and our “being” closer together.  Let us remember that the fullness of our lives is not limited to our contributions nor our experiences.  

And most of all, let us not forget the wisdom we can glean from elementary English jingles.

There's No Time

Time is a quizzical thing, so present yet so intangible.  We need it yet simultaneously loathe it.  It provides us the means to both enjoy life and ruin it at the same time. It is a fascinating thing yet its mystery has led many to a misconstrued understanding of its nature.  I have found this misinterpretation particularly prevalent in the way that our actions often fail to reflect our priorities.  We say yes to the coffee date invitations with an old friend and then regret the decision because we know it means one more unnecessary commitment in our lives.  We create fitness and financial goals but fail to meet them when our schedules fill with other activities.  In both cases, we are left feeling unfulfilled. Why do our actions not reflect our priorities?  What does our understanding of time have to do with this dissonance?  I believe it’s because we have the wrong “time paradigm”.

 

“When we are left with more things to do than we can realistically achieve, we dream of simply creating more time.  This paradigm is both misleading and paralyzing.”

 The Rock Paradigm

           The paradigm I see most people hold (myself included) is what I call the “Rock Paradigm”.  We understand time to be like a rock: it can be discarded or held, lost or found.  We believe we can control it and bend it to our will.  A typical phrase spoken from this paradigm is “I don’t have time” because time is perceived to be something that is “have-able”.  We often operate out of this paradigm because I believe we are uncomfortable with accepting responsibility for how we use our time.  When we are left with more things to do than we can realistically achieve, we dream of simply creating more time.  This paradigm is both misleading and paralyzing.

 

The River Paradigm

            The alternative paradigm is what I like to call the “River Paradigm”.  From this paradigm, time is perceived as having a beginning and end while being infinitely wide.  As it is with rivers, it cannot be held or paused, had or lost; it can only be utilized. It is an endless flowing stream of potential that cannot be stopped, nor can it be reversed.  A common phrase spoken from this paradigm is “I didn’t prioritize that”, since time is understood to be something to use but never had.  People operating from this paradigm take responsibility for how they choose to use their time.  They recognize that saying yes to one thing means saying no to another, and they take full ownership of even the most difficult decisions that they make.

Floating, Fishing, or Flying

         The two keys to living from the river paradigm are (a) accepting that you cannot keep time from advancing while (b) choosing the way in which you will advance.  For example, imagine that spread out across the infinitely wide river are various types of currents with varying speeds and obstacles.  Near the shore you have the calm, slow-moving waters.  It’s the type of water you can take your inner tube down and just chill.  Think of this as the slower, more relaxed seasons when life appears to be moving slower (i.e. time between jobs, moving to a new city, recovering from an illness or injury, etc.).  Deeper into the river is where all the fish are.  It’s wide open which means you have plenty of room to spread your nets far and wide to catch lots of fish.  This is like the times when you feel like you’re being spread thin, though it is often these season where we get things done and accomplish a lot (i.e. the times when you’re free from extra responsibilities and can focus on achieving certain goals).  Even further from the shore is where the rapids are.  Deep rocks cause white, churning rapids that make for a break-neck speed adventure, sending you flying down the stream in simultaneous joy and terror. It’s where time seems to move faster and more intense than any other season (i.e. a baby being born, finals week, juggling multiple sport and activities, etc.). 

Seasons

          While there is a level of control over whether one floats, fishes, or flies, there is another aspect to time that is less controllable: season.  Depending on the season in which you find yourself in the river of time, your choices and/or progress may be influenced by forces outside your control. When I worked in commercial fishing in Alaska for a summer, we were limited to a four-week time table.  In the winter time, trying to float down a river while pushing through massive bodies of ice would definitely impede your progress and make each mile much harder to gain.  Spring runoff creates faster and more dangerous whitewater rapids, changing the type of experience you would have in those streams.  In the same way that “weather” seasons influence the type of activity appropriate for that moment, so the “life” season we find ourselves in will influence what we are able to do as well as what we ought to do. This is important to note as it allows us the freedom to change what our priorities are depending on the given season. There have been seasons in my life where I have had heavy restraints on my my ability to pursue certain goals of mine such as writing a book, designing a chess set, or doing a double pitch rock climb (still working on that one).  Then there have been other seasons in which I’ve had the freedom to pursue these goals.  When we learn to recognize and embrace the season of life we are in, we begin to learn how to best flow in the river of time, making the most of every moment we are gifted with.

 

“None of us has access to limitless time or resources, meaning we must be selective in how we utilize the little time that we are given.”

Guilt

           I have found there are two primary reasons we struggle to flow well in the river of time.  The first reason is guilt.  Guilt is especially prevalent as we seek to align our actions with our priorities in relationships (although it is present in our health, career, recreation, etc.).  Too often have I felt guilty about not spending time with certain friends or acquaintances or guilty that I did spend time with them when I knew I should have spent it doing things I actually prioritized more.  This is very difficult as it forces us to risk offending someone by telling them that there is something or someone else that we prioritize more than spending time with them (at least in the present moment).  Let me be clear: this is not to say that you do not VALUE the person, but rather you do not PRIORITIZE them.  This is a critical distinction and we often fail to understand the difference.  I value all humans equally because I believe we were all created holding the same value regardless of our actions or merit.  I do not, however, prioritize all people the same.  None of us has access to limitless time or resources, meaning we must be selective in how we utilize the little time that we are given, which means it is impossible to prioritize everyone and everything the same.  To think we can is to live in dangerous self-deception.  We must quickly accept this reality if our actions are to ever align with what we most deeply desire in life.   

 

“If we live our lives based on fear, we will forever be held captive to the wishes and wants of others instead of the deepest desires of our soul.”

 Fear

            I have found that the other reason behind our confusion of time is fear.  Whether we admit it or not, we are so afraid of the opinion of others that we let that fear control our actions and our emotions.  Have you ever feared disappointing that acquaintance of yours when they ask to hang out Thursday night after work but you simply had too many things to do to sacrifice your only free night of the week?  Maybe you’ve felt the fear of losing your reputation as being the “disciplined guy” when people discover you chose to sleep in instead of work out yesterday?  Guilty as charged.  Regardless of what aligns with our priorities, we care more about impressing people.  If we live our lives based on fear, we will forever be held captive to the wishes and wants of others instead of the deepest desires of our soul.

Living Aligned

            So what might it look like to live our lives aligned? How can we move from viewing time as a rock and instead understand it to be more like a river?  The most important step is to first identify what you prioritize most in life and then make sure that you give those things the very best of your time and resources.  Note that I said “best” and not “most”.  Often times we demonstrate what we prioritize by giving it the bulk of our time. However, like we saw earlier, certain seasons may require more of our time while other seasons require less.  Somes giving the best of your time means different things.  In certain seasons it may mean lots of time and in other seasons not so much.  The important thing is to search for what the season requires, a task that is far from cut and dry (things tend to get a little wet when you’re on a river).

            Once you’ve identified what you value most in life, you can check to see if you are living aligned by asking yourself if you have consistently felt emotionally and spiritually fulfilled.  I say “consistently” since there may be moments when our emotions fluctuate and make us feel like we aren’t doing enough.  Emotions are fickle like this so it is to be expected. However, when we are living aligned lives, we ought to be able to look back at the way we have utilized our time and identify whether or not our actions aligned with our priorities.

 

“We are neither time’s master nor its slave but rather its occupant.”

 Master or Slave

In which way do you view the time that you are given?  Do you find yourself volunteering for slavery by saying things like “I didn’t have enough time to…”, or “If I had had more time I would have…”?  Such statements make us captive to guilt and fear and keep us from fulfilling our unique purpose.  None of us can speed up, slow down, or multiply time.  We simply have what we are given.  We are neither time’s master nor its slave but rather its occupant.  How could your perception of time change the way in which you align your actions with your priorities?  We can either blame the river when our expectations go unmet or we can embrace the constraints of our gracious host known as time.  Only when we “go with the flow” can we arrive where we want to go.

Ice Cream Before Grandma's

Imagine with me for a moment than your beloved, little old grandma lives 1,000 miles away from you and it’s time to load up the car and pay her a visit.  You only get to see her once a year because of the distance so your time with her is quite special and you don’t want to miss a second of it.  With your trusty vehicle fully gassed up and with fresh oil and new tires you hit the road.  The weather couldn’t be more perfect as the sun dances behind spotted gray and white clouds, playing games with the trees and hills as they cast their shadows across here and there.  It’s not even mid-afternoon and you’re already more than halfway there, meaning you’ll get to spend more of your first day with dear old granny than you had originally thought! 

 

That’s when you see the sign.

 

Dairy Princess, home of the world’s best fudge-covered, sprinkle-laden, waffle cone embraced ice cream the world has ever known…at least that’s what you’ve heard.  The stories of sweet, creamy splendor that have emanated from this place are the stuff of urban myths, almost too good to be true.  And there, like a flaming torch in a god’s hand proclaiming wisdom and knowledge, is the glowing Dairy Princess sign.  Ever since the first heavenly announcement of this angelic place graced your ears, you’ve been dying, no LIVING, to experience it for your mortal self.

 

And then you remember: you have a destination before you, and no siren of sweetness, no dairyish distraction could possibly keep you from spending the most possible time with dear old granny!  You breathe a sigh of relief as you pass the exit for Dairy Princess.  Ha!  You have passed the test!

 

Yet deep down inside, you ask yourself, “What if I could have taken that quick dairy detour AND made it to grandma’s on time?”

 

Lately my mind has been filled with thoughts and questions about purpose, direction, focus, and the affect my choices will make on my life.  Life has been very good to me and has granted me more opportunities and blessings than most could ever even dream of.  I know that so many people would be grateful to have just one cool passion to pursue or one dream job or one fun hobby but let me just be honest: I’ve been blessed!  Through no merit of my own have I been given incredible opportunities to pursue with my life’s energy and passion.  For a long time, I have felt confirmation that my most deeply rooted passion and purpose is to pursue beauty and justice in the world through social impact design.  I love design and I love helping people, so naturally it feels as if my heart is geared specifically for this purpose.  Just like visiting Grandma was the ultimate goal in our little story, social impact design is the destination upon which I have locked my GPS coordinates, my ultimate direction.  Yet here’s my dilemma: I have consistently found my heart drawn to non-related pursuits along the way including martial arts, youth ministry, music, etc.

 

Enter the confusion (“scary music playing the background…”)

 

I don’t know about you but I’m an “all-or-nothing” kind of guy.  When I have a goal in mind, you’d better hold on, spider monkey, because my gas pedal is going to be through the floor.  Once I have a goal in mind, I want to get there and I want to get there fast.  However, we’ve all heard it said that life is about the journey, not the destination. 

 

Riiiiight….  Try telling that to the kids as you’re driving to DisneyLand.

 

However, I will admit that there’s a lot of truth in this statement and as I’ve reflected on my “destination focused” nature, I sometimes have to wonder if I might be putting a bit too much “mustard” on my hot dog of life (pardon the “cheesy” food analogy.  Okay, I promise I’m done with the “corny” puns …)  Through all of the wisdom I’ve picked up on through books, podcasts, and inspiring leaders in my life, I feel I’ve always been told that the only way to achieve the most out of life is to focus on the ultimate goals, to sacrifice the “good for the great”.  There’s only one problem: my heart starts to feel empty at the mere thought of disposing of these “side” interests in my life. 

 

Do you see my dilemma?  Maybe you’ve felt it too.

 

However, in my pursuit of the best path (enter triumphant music!!), I suddenly began to ask myself this question: what if our ultimate objective in life is a combination of both the journey and the destination?  What if it is possible to partake in the miracle known as Dairy Princess AND visit dear old Grandma?!

 

As I have been in the process of evaluating the merit and effectiveness of my pursuits in life, I’ve come to believe in the existence of this dichotomy, this “journey and destination” type life, and I’ve discovered two principles which I have found to be extremely helpful in this pursuit of balanced living:

 

Identifying Your Steps 

What if Diary Princess wasn’t the only attraction along the way?  What if the SPAM Museum, the world’s largest chicken wing, or the world’s most scenic urinal were also possible stopping points (yes, those are all for real)?  Or what if there were in fact DOZENS of places you could stop?  Would you still choose to see each and every one?  Bringing this back home, my two very sweet grandmas happen to live a couple of states west of me in Washington.  Every summer, my family would drive the several hundred miles to western Washington to visit them and let me assure you, the number of possible places to visit are extensive!  Waterfalls, historic sites, and quaint little Bavarian flavored villages abound along our typical course.  While all of these options, I’m sure, are lovely little detours filled with cool sights and fun experiences, can you imagine stopping at them all?  You’d never get to see Grandma!  But on the opposite extreme, imagine all of the unique and exciting opportunities you would be missing out on if you Autobahn-ed it straight to Grandma’s without passing go and without collecting $200?!  Think of all the possible moments you would miss out on, the beautiful, colorful threads that would be omitted from the tapestry of your life.  Some may try to give you a formula for figuring out exactly how many places you should stop at along the way, but the longer I’ve sought answers to this life question, the more I believe that only you can decide what is right for you.  Identifying your stops may take a while and you may at times pick too few or too many, but don’t stop seeking the right balance for your life!  You’ll get there eventually.

 

The Same Direction 

In our imagined tale, the Dairy Princess was just slightly off course on our way to our destination, but what if it was 200 miles in the opposite direction?  Would it still be worth it?  I have begun to think of life’s little “detours” as either additive or subtractive to my ultimate goal.  If a desired detour is a couple of minutes off of the freeway, I like to think of that as an additive destination.  Two of my current side hobbies are directing a youth group and running a small karate school.  In the past, I have questioned if spending time in these pursuits has prohibited me from achieving my ultimate goal of pursuing meaningful social impact design.  However, over time, I’ve discovered that they not only contribute skills and experience that will someday be beneficial to my career such as public speaking, leadership, and business skills, I’ve also come to the conclusion that the joy they bring me, combined with the minimal deterrence they provide from me reaching my ultimate destination, all equate to them acting very much as additive activities.  Remember: you are the judge of your decisions.  As such, it is up to you to weigh the cost of taking additive detours in life versus arriving to your destination faster.  I would also add to this that we don’t always know exactly what the “right” life choice is, but more important than knowing if it’s slightly more “right” than all of your other legitimate choices available is committing to follow through with whatever choice you make (read my previous blog for help on knowing the time to push harder or abort a previously made decision).

"We don’t always know exactly what the “right” life choice is, but more important than knowing if it’s slightly more “right” than all of your other legitimate choices is committing to follow through with whatever choice you make." 

We all know that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but let me ask you this: what poetry was ever inspired from a flower made up of perfectly straight lines?  I am a lover of efficiency to a fault, but I have found that there is beauty in life’s meandering, arcing, carefree loops and swirls and la-dee-das.  While the thought of that pot of gold at the end of the I-90 rainbow is what fires me up to continue moving forward, it’s the Dairy Princesses along the way that make the journey worth remembering.  Years after your memorable week at Grandma’s house, you will hopefully remember a myriad of life-giving moments spent with her, the ultimate destination.  But in that same trip down memory lane, hopefully you get the chance to reminisce along the way at the unimportant little detours.  Who knows, you might even see them become an integral part of your beautiful, inefficient, and life-giving route.