Barry Lyga's Blog: The BLog, page 44

This Week’s Tumblr – July 5, 2014

Here’s what I posted recently on Tumblr…

The moon over Long Beach Island, NJ.

So… If I’m not supposed to pull the emergency cord…

parislemon:

nevver:

Surface Area

Perspective.

Writers Digest Annual: Appearance

Some context on book challenges

“Forgive@h3r”

Contraception, Explained

My Superman Movie

invadermyna:

"People are real. People matter."

Wow.I effing…

hiroanimates:

The Astonishing Adventures of Fanboy and Goth…

This Week's Tumblr – June 28, 2014

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Writers Digest Annual: Appearance

I’ll be speaking at the Writers Digest Annual Conference on August 3 at 10:00am. The topic? “Thrillers, Killers, and Fanboys.” I’ll be talking about creating a sustaining a writing career…which is actually something I know very little about, which is what should make it fun! (There will also be Q&A, so come armed with questions!)

The fine folks who put on the show want you there, so they’ve crafted a discount code which will net you fifty bucks off the price of the Basic Conference and the Pitch Slam/Basic Conference Package. Just enter BARRY50 when you check out on the site. (That’s case sensitive, so hit Caps Lock like you’re screaming!)

In addition to yours truly, the conference will also feature a bevy of luminaries, such as Harlan Coben and Hugh Howey. Come for me, stay for the big shots! (Or the other way around — I’ll never know.)

Here’s the conference site.

And here’s the registration site.

I hope I see you there!

Contraception, Explained

Like the moron I am, I’m once again embroiled in a “discussion” on Twitter. I put that in quotes because let’s face it — the very nature of Twitter makes reasoned debate or discussion impossible. It devolves into a series of bromides and platitudes hurled back and forth, with no actual illumination. Hell, “devolves” might be charitable, as it implies things started at a higher plane and then…well, devolved.

Anyway, the issue du jour is, of course, contraception, thanks to a boneheaded and nakedly misogynistic decision by SCOTUS.

Some people are saying this is no big deal. Contraception has not been outlawed or banned, they point out. It’s just that employers with certain religious beliefs no longer have to include it in their employees’ insurance plans. It’s still available, for God’s sake, so everyone just calm down!

Yeah, but… No.

I’m going to try to explain this as quickly as I can, in a way that is easy to follow.

Let’s pretend that you have an illness. And there is a very simple, safe, reliable, and legal medication or procedure that can help you.

But your employer has a religious objection to that medication or procedure. So even though insurance companies routinely and happily cover it…your boss doesn’t.

So now you have to go out-of-pocket to cover this expense. Even though you are paying (through payroll deductions) for health insurance. Even though you’re paying what everyone else pays for health insurance, you’re getting less. You have coverage that is crippled.

Is it crippled because you have a lousy job or live in a lousy area? Because your employer just can’t afford better?

No. It’s crippled because your boss has a religious sentiment that now impacts your life.

Let’s say that again: YOUR BOSS’S RELIGIOUS BELIEFS ARE IMPINGING ON YOUR LIFE.

Your boss goes to church on Sunday and kneels and prays, and because what he prays is a little different than what you pray, you get to lose some of your hard-earned money.

Again, toss contraception out. Imagine it is any other medical issue. Would you accept that? Should you accept that?

No. And hell no.

In its ruling, the Supreme Court was careful to note that its declaration does not apply to vaccines or blood transfusions, two other potential areas where medical necessity could — and, if history is any indicator, will — intersect with religious beliefs.

Lest you have notions to the contrary, those exemptions are incontrovertible proof that this ruling has nothing to do with religious freedom. If it did, then the ruling would apply universally.

No, this is about sex.

It’s about fucking, plain and simple, and paternalistically punishing women who dare to have sex without wanting to get pregnant. It is, therefore, about the very opposite of religious freedom. It is imposing someone else’s religious views on you.

And that, my friends, isn’t just vile. It’s also indefensible.

My Superman Movie

Some background…

This treatment dates from around 2002-3. (The actual writing may have taken place in 2004. I don’t remember. But the idea itself comes from 2002 or 2003.)

At the time, there was discussion of a possible new Superman movie (which ended up being Superman Returns). At the same time, there was a lot of fretting in the comic book community about how 9/11 made Superman irrelevant and impossible to write. You can’t write a story where Superman stops 9/11, the thinking went, because that’s Too Much. And if Superman can’t stop 9/11, well, then what’s the point of Superman?

With this in mind, I came up with an idea for a Superman movie. Part wish fulfillment, part rejoinder, all dream. The treatment I wrote follows. If I were developing this today, I would almost certainly replace 9/11 with some other disaster (and, yes, I am fully aware that many people may be offended by the use of 9/11 at all, but recall when I came up with this — it felt necessary at the time). But the basic thrust of the story — the arc of it, the themes, the tropes — would remain the same. Is it perfect? God no. Would I tweak some things, were I writing it afresh? God yes. Still, I happen to think it’s a pretty kick-ass Superman story.

Enjoy.

(P.S. Yes, I subtitled my “movie” The Man of Steel. I know.)

 

SUPERMAN:  THE MAN OF STEEL

a treatment by Barry Lyga

SUPERMAN SUCCEEDS. SUPERMAN FAILS.

We FADE IN to a black screen. White letters appear:

“SEPTEMBER 11, 2001”

BEAT and then

“8:44 am Eastern Time”

We hear the sound of a JET, closing fast.

FADE TO daytime, New York, the airspace above Manhattan and closing. We are up close on the fuselage of a jet.

Inside the cockpit, the terrorists at the controls are grim.

Back outside. Above the roar of the jet, we hear another sound. Like wind…

A HAND emerges from out of scene and touches the side of the jet…

…then the fingers SINK INTO THE STEEL…

Inside, the terrorists panic as the jet changes course.

Back outside. A full shot at last. Superman is under the jet, grabbing it with both hands. He guides it away from the World Trade Center. No music. No cool camera or lighting effects. Just one man, the wind, a super-human grip on the plane that should crash into the WTC…but won’t.

Suddenly, he looks away. His eyes narrow. We see another jet reflected in them as his TELESCOPIC VISION zeroes in on the second plane.

Superman frowns. His gaze narrows further and his HEAT VISION lashes out. The second jet’s skin sizzles as its ailerons fuse into place.

Inside the second jet, the terrorists pull at the yoke and flip switches to no avail.

Superman moves quickly, hauling his first jet to CENTRAL PARK.

The second jet narrowly misses the WTC and keeps going. Inside, the terrorists shout to each other: “Turn around!” “I can’t!”

A crowd in Central Park scatters as the shadow of the first jet falls over them. Superman lands it with nary a bump. Smoothest airplane landing in history. Inside, the terrorists have just realized what’s happened — it was so fast…

They leave the cockpit, ready to take hostages—

And Superman rips open the side of the plane. His HEAT VISION fries their weapons. The passengers DIVE on the terrorists.

Superman flips into the air, grim. There’s a massive sonic boom and then he’s beside the second jet. We see him through the windshield of the cockpit, from the POV of the bad guys. The terrorists get very, very scared. Superman just looks at them, his face expressionless.

Moments later, the second jet is on the ground, next to the first one. SWAT teams and cops are closing in. Cops swarm around Superman, asking him questions. Suddenly, he stops, cocking his head. All sound fades out until all we can hear is an air-traffic controller—

Superman launches himself into the air again. Another sonic boom rattles windows.

We see the Washington Monument. Then a plane, headed for the Pentagon. Once again, CLOSE UP on his HAND, SINKING INTO THE STEEL SKIN OF THE PLANE.

And then the plane’s on the ground on the shore of the Potomac. Growling with fury, Superman peels open the cockpit with the sound of tearing steel and breaking glass. The terrorists quake and quiver in fear within. He grabs one and hoists him up. “Who did this?”

The terrorist is too terrified to speak. Superman soars straight up into the air, dangling the terrorist a mile above the earth. “Who planned this? Who did it?” He repeats the question in multiple Arabic dialects. (He speaks EVERY language. He’s SUPERMAN.)

Before he can get an answer, he breaks off, cocking his head in that peculiar way again… He’s hearing something. He whispers: “Pennsylvania?”

He zooms back to the Pentagon. Military police and firefighters have already surrounded the plane. Superman drops the terrorist into the middle of the group and soars off to the north without missing a beat.

The clock keeps ticking down in the corner.

CUT TO: A field in Western Pennsylvania. The wreckage of United 93 is scattered all around. Superman stands in the middle of it, his fists clenched, his head bowed.

From OFF-SCREEN, we hear PA KENT: “Even you can’t be everywhere.”

FADE TO: The past. The Kent farm outside Smallville. Pa Kent lies under an old jalopy with a ratchet set. “Even you can’t be everywhere at once, son,” he says.

CLARK, crouched down near his father, watches him work. It isn’t obvious, but Clark is actually HOLDING THE CAR UP so that Pa can work on it. He’s doing this very casually and unobtrusively, like it’s no big deal.

CLARK: I don’t know, Pa. I’m pretty fast.

PA: Don’t I know it. But even you can’t be in two places at the same time. And no matter what good you might be doin’, there’s bad happenin’ somewhere else. That’s why it’s important to keep what you can do a secret. People’d never leave you alone otherwise and you’d never get ANYTHING done.

CLARK: You’re preaching again.

PA: Sorry ‘bout that.

CUT TO: The nearer past. Pa Kent is on his deathbed. Clark sits near by, weeping.

PA: Don’t go blaming yourself, son.

CLARK: What’s the point, Pa? What’s the point of being able to do everything I can do if I can’t—

PA: Clark, I want you to remember something. Even you can’t save everyone.

CUT TO: September 11, 2001, Western Pennsylvania. Superman’s fists clench and unclench as if spasming. Then, with a scream, he launches himself into the air so fast that he’s a blur.

 

SUPERMAN IN CRISIS

Now we come to the present. We’re in the Daily Planet, where a pissed-off PERRY WHITE stomps down a corridor. On the wall as he passes, we see framed front pages with headlines (and appropriate photos):  “SUPERMAN REPAIRS COLUMBIA IN ORBIT.” “LUTHOR APPEAL GRANTED.” “U.N. REVOKES SUPERMAN’S SPECIAL STATUS.”

Perry rants that his computer is broken and IT is on its tenth coffee break of the day. He grabs CLARK KENT and drags him into his office because Clark is “good with computers.” While Clark fiddles with Perry’s computer, Perry yells at him for not being in the Hague for Osama bin Laden’s sentencing. “You think you’re the only person who hasn’t wanted to fly since 9/11? That was years ago, Kent!”

Clark, ever-meek, has no rejoinder. He fixes Perry’s computer and slinks out. Mounted on the wall outside Perry’s office as he leaves: A framed Daily Planet. There’s a large picture of Superman holding up Mullah Mohammed Omar and Osama bin Laden by the scruffs of their necks. The headline reads “SUPERMAN APPREHENDS 9/11 PLOTTERS.”

Enter LOIS LANE, who catches Clark looking at the paper. She, too, belittles Clark for not going to the Hague, pointing out that if Perry hadn’t insisted she stay in Metropolis to cover the “boring mayoral election,” she’d have been the first one on the plane. In a rare show of guts, Clark taps the framed paper…right at the byline that reads “Exclusive to the Planet, by Clark Kent” and tells her, “One story of the century is enough for me.”

Lois isn’t buying it and she keeps berating Clark. He tunes her out though — he does that head-tilt that we saw earlier, the one that tells us he’s using his super-hearing and -vision.

As Lois says, “Your problem is you can’t see what’s important. You have no VISION…” Clark’s telescopic vision kicks in and we see a street corner in Metropolis, as a figure steps out into the sunlight and draws a high-tech pistol from an old, battered Western gunslinger’s holster.

Clark makes a stammering excuse and runs off to a nearby stairwell. Lois fumes for a moment, then — pissed off — follows him. The stairwell, of course, is empty.

Outside the Metropolis Bank, we meet TOBY MANNING, aka TERRA-MAN. Imagine the goofiest, most colorful and inaccurate cowboy actor in the world, with a flowing green cape to top it all off (John Wayne is spinning his grave)…and an arsenal of high-tech weapons based on Westerns — electrified lasso, pistols that shoot radioactive, explosive shells, etc.

He looks like a joke, but he’s packing serious high-tech gear and there’s no way the cops can handle this guy. Fortunately, Superman shows up and handles him in a quick action sequence. It’s fun and cool and effects-laden, but we get the impression that Superman does this all the time and that he’s not really intimidated.

In fact, at one point he lectures the trussed-up villain: “Why do you keep breaking out of jail, just to get sent back, Toby? I’m starting to think you LIKE the body cavity search.”

Superman hauls Terra-Man off to Draper Island Superhuman Detention Facility, a super-secure facility on an island in Metropolis Harbor. As he leaves, we linger, zooming down hallways and through secure doors, passing a roster of deadly supervillains in specially designed cells — Atomic Skull, Bloodsport, Metallo, Parasite — until we meet LEX LUTHOR.

If you think Hannibal Lecter’s cell was tough, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Luthor’s cell is completely EMPTY, except for a bed (bolted to the MIDDLE of the floor, equidistant from the walls) and a toilet in one corner. There are security cameras at every corner.

Lex just sits on the bed, immobile, impassive.

We pull back to see that we’re watching Lex on a security monitor. There’s a whole ROOM of monitors devoted to Lex, with two guards stationed to observe him 24/7. One monitor shows a close-up. Lex’s expression changes in the slightest — an arched eyebrow.

“Oh, God,” says one guard. “Oh, God. Luthor’s thinking.”

Meanwhile, Superman soars high over the city. We watch a quick montage as he effortlessly saves lives, using his heat vision and/or super-breath at a distance to slow down cars moving too quickly, push pedestrians to safety, etc. It’s the easiest, most casual thing in the world to him. Most people will never even realize it was him.

A quick cut to SPACE, near Earth’s atmosphere. A gigantic spaceship in the shape of a robotic skull with trailing robotic tentacles parks itself in orbit and — as we watch — fades to invisibility. We drift INSIDE the ship. Welcome to the domain of BRAINIAC, malevolent alien robot intelligence. Inside, we see a gigantic screen, broken up into a multitude of ever-shifting windows. Inside the windows, we see (among other things) Superman flying around the city, the results of his good deeds, and — most troubling of all — Lex Luthor in his cell…

Back at the Daily Planet, Perry and Lois are arguing. Lois is none-too-happy about being stuck in Metropolis. She doesn’t want to cover the election — she wants to be where the action is. JIMMY OLSEN approaches her and tries to show her a photo he took that afternoon, but she blows him off.

In the course of the argument, we learn that — after 9/11 — Superman invaded Afghanistan to bring bin Laden and others to justice. The world applauded at first, but then — as time went by — a realization hit: Superman has always been identified as an American. And now he had just invaded a sovereign nation. Even though a special UN decree from years ago had given him special status, people were now nervous: Was Superman nothing more than an extension of American military power and imperial ambition? How much do we REALLY know about him and his motivations, anyway?

The UN revoked his special status and Superman hasn’t been seen out of the States since. In fact, he’s rarely seen outside of Metropolis, where crime has dropped to almost nothing and death-by-accident is infinitesimally small.

Clark returns to the Planet and tries to persuade Lois to look at Jimmy’s photo — it shows the mayor having lunch with a local union boss in an out-of-the-way dive. Lois blows it off — they’re just working on avoiding the upcoming sanitation strike, she knows. Jimmy’s crushed, but Clark tells him to keep digging.

That night, Superman meets Lois atop the Daily Planet building. We get the feeling that they do this pretty regularly.

She can tell something’s bothering him — something has been bothering him for a long time. Superman admits that he’s been plagued by a crisis of faith, of conscience, of confidence. The 9/11 attacks and his failure to save everyone shook him. “I failed on that day.”

“No one sees it that way,” she tells him, pleading with him to see reason. “You saved thousands of lives.”

“And DIDN’T save the forty people on that plane.”

“No one blames you. Even YOU can’t save everyone. How many people were you SUPPOSED to save that day?”

He glares at her. “At least forty more.” And flies off.

Superman has been having dreams lately — dreams of Krypton’s explosion. But these aren’t nice, sanitized special effects images from the space of the planet exploding. No. These are intimate images on the planet itself, as the ground split and buildings toppled and people screamed for a savior, ANY savior…

That night, he has the most intense dream yet. He walks through his father’s laboratory/workshop on Krypton, amazed. He stops in the middle of the lab, where the rocket that brought/will bring him to earth sits, almost completed. He stares at it, breaking off only at the sound of a door WHOOSHING OPEN.

Enter JOR-EL and LARA, Superman’s Kryptonian parents. Lara holds a baby in her arms…young KAL-EL.

Superman reaches out to them, but they PASS THROUGH HIM like ghosts. They speak in subtitled Kryptonese. Lara begs Jor-El to take more time, to finish the big rocket for all of them. Jor-El is having none of it — there’s not enough time. He can finish the smaller rocket in time to launch Lara and the baby to safety. Lara refuses to go — the rocket is too small for two. Her weight will throw off the computer’s calculations; it’s much safer for Kal-El to go alone. But she tells Jor-El that he’s given up too soon. He can still finish the larger rocket.

The planet Krypton itself puts the lie to Lara’s wishes — a quake shakes the lab. This is it — the final quake. Jor and Lara look at each other. They both know. There’s no more time. He has just enough time to finish the small rocket. “I’m sorry,” he tells Lara in Kryptonese and then turns and looks DIRECTLY AT SUPERMAN and speaks IN ENGLISH:

“Even I can’t save everyone.”

Superman wakes up in Clark Kent’s apartment. He doesn’t need to breathe, so he’s not gasping for breath, but he’s rattled and shaken.

 

LEX LUTHOR ON THE RUN

Back at the Draper Island prison, a LAWYER meets with TERRA-MAN, who looks like just another loser in his prison jumpsuit. He finishes up with TERRA-MAN and tells the guard he needs to see his other client. The guard tells him, “You know the rules, counselor” and escorts the lawyer out of the meeting room and down to the most secure part of the facility — Lex Luthor’s cell.

Lex borrows a pen from his lawyer and comments on it. The lawyer off-handedly mentions that he got it from his last client, Terra-Man. Luthor grins and says, “I know.”

Oh, shit. The guards freak out.

Cut to: Superman flying out of the city, headed west. To Smallville.

Back to the prison. The guards have sounded the alarm and are trying to get into the cell, but they can’t — it’s somehow locked from the inside now. Lex explains that the pen was designed by him and given to Terra-Man before his imprisonment. It’s impregnated with nanoscopic circuitry that allows him some limited super-powers, such as…

BOOM! Lex gestures and his cell explodes outward, flinging the guards away. He rushes past his astonished lawyer and starts making his way out of the prison. As he passes Terra-Man’s cell, Terra-Man reminds Lex that Lex owes him. Lex realizes that his prison break will go better with a distraction and releases not just Terra-Man, but as many supervillains as he can.

Soon, though, both Lex and Terra-Man find themselves surrounded by VERY angry guards with VERY big guns. Before anyone can pull a trigger, a guard LEAPS at them, and then… Lex and Terra-Man and the guard all DISAPPEAR.

In Smallville, Clark apologizes for waking up his mother. But he can’t sleep. These dreams are driving him crazy. And the things he HEARS…

“I can hear people dying in Darfur. In India. In China and Myanmar. It kills me. But the idea of leaving here… Of letting someone I know, one of my…friends… One of them dying… That kills me so much faster. That hurts so much more.”

Ma says, “Even you can’t save—”

“I know. I know.”

She reminds him that he can’t protect his friends all the time — it’ll drive him mad. He tells her that he has something planned as far as THAT goes…

Just then, he hears something — a high-pitched ZEE-ZEE-ZEE! He leaves quickly and soars to Draper Island…

…where Jimmy and Lois are already on the scene. Jimmy is using his SIGNAL WATCH, which is making a sound only Superman can hear. Superman lands and scans the chaos quickly. In a brutally fast sequence, he takes down the escaping supervillains, turning them over to the guards, who are trying to get everything buttoned down.

There’s congratulations and applause all around for the Man of Steel, but he’s not happy. The headcount is a couple shy… Superman grimaces. Luthor has escaped.

 

MEET BRAINIAC

We’re now inside Brainiac’s ship, in a non-descript room. Luthor, Terra-Man, and the hapless guard all appear at once. Terra-Man and the guard are both FREAKED OUT. Luthor, of course, is calm and cool, like he does this all the time.

The guard splutters something about the two of them being under arrest and raises his gun…

…and a powerful ENERGY BEAM from off-screen vaporizes him instantly. Terra-Man yelps and jumps back.  Lex doesn’t even flinch. He just brushes some of the guard’s ashes off his shoulder like dandruff.

And now… meet Brainiac.

Brainiac, a living computer intelligence from the planet Colu. As Lex and Terra-Man watch, the walls of the room warp and coalesce into a face like the hull of the ship. When he speaks, his mouth does not move — the sound echoes from every corner of the ship. Brainiac IS the ship.

He ushers Luthor and Terra-Man down a hall and into the control room. As they walk, Terra-Man babbles in fear. He’s heard of Brainiac — the only enemy ever to really, REALLY hurt Superman…

Luthor takes umbrage at this, of course. Terra-Man says, “Aren’t you afraid of him?”

Lex Luthor fears nothing and no one.

In the control room, wires, cables, and alien metal melt and merge, forming a roughly-humanoid shape. Brainiac doesn’t need this form, but he knows it’s easier for humans to talk to a figure, rather than an abstract presence.

Terra-Man is wowed by the technology — many centuries more advanced than anything on earth. Lex just takes it all in. Again — it’s like he sees this every day.

While Terra-Man quivers, Lex asks Brainiac what he’s up to THIS time. Brainiac says “Success. Conquest.” Luthor snorts and says he won’t help Brainiac conquer the earth.

But that’s not what Brainiac wants. In fact, Brainiac has changed his programming — he no longer cares about earth or about killing Superman. He wants something else. And since Superman stands in his way, he will give Luthor what HE needs to kill Superman.

First, though, he needs Superman distracted and lured somewhere specific.

Luthor considers the offer and agrees to help…especially after Brainiac shows him a special gift: a battlesuit. Imagine Iron Man’s armor in garish purple and green, with an enormous collar that comes up behind the head. Rather than a helmet, there’s a simple clear screen there so that we will still be able to see Lex’s smiling kisser when he’s wearing it. (Lex doubts the screen is strong enough, but Brainiac tells him that it’s made of super-hardened alien diamond.)

Lex doesn’t think the suit is enough to kill Superman. Brainiac reminds Lex that part one of the plan doesn’t involve killing. When part two comes… And here Brainiac opens a panel in the wall, and Lex grins from ear-to-ear as the room fills with a familiar GREEN GLOW…

 

LUTHOR & THE DOUBLE CROSS

At the Daily Planet, Lois and Perry are having one of their usual to-dos. Perry wants news about the Luthor prison break NOW and Lois is frustrated — she has nothing new because NO ONE has anything new. Superman hasn’t made a statement and no one knows where Luthor is.

Meanwhile, Jimmy shows Clark more pics from his stalking of the mayor. Clark thinks there’s something here and promises Jimmy he’ll look into it.

Not realizing that Brainiac is watching him, Superman goes out flying, scanning the city and the surrounding area, looking for Luthor. Nothing.

Once Superman returns to the Planet, Brainiac teleports Luthor and Terra-Man…

…to Luthor’s HIDDEN LAIR, deep beneath a mountain on the outskirts of Metropolis.

Amazingly enough, the lair has a room designed to look EXACTLY like Luthor’s prison cell. Turns out it helps him think. “If Superman knew how much being locked up helped my thought process, he’d never put me in prison again.”

Terra-Man is amazed at the lair: the technology, everything. No one else has ever seen the inside of the fabled Luthor’s Lair, though it’s been whispered of in supervillain gossip for years.

The two villains talk a little bit. Luthor doesn’t completely trust Brainiac — he doesn’t trust ANYONE who isn’t human, especially You-Know-Who — but he’s worked with Brainiac before and he usually sees the double-cross coming, so it’s not a big deal, as long as he gets something out of it.

Speaking of the double-cross… Lex shows Terra-Man into his replica prison cell…and then locks him in! Terra-Man freaks out. “I’m your partner! Brainiac wants me to help you!”

“I don’t work with partners. Especially Saturday matinee rejects from the 1950s. You’re worse than last century — you’re from TWO centuries ago, you joke.”

As he walks off, Terra-Man screams for mercy — he’ll DIE if Luthor just leaves him in here!

Lex shrugs. Shit happens.

 

LEX ATTACKS!

Back at the Planet, Clark walks into chaos. Perry and Lois and Jimmy are going round and round, yelling and gesturing and just generally making the already crazy newsroom even worse. Despite his best intentions, Clark ends up getting caught up in it, too.

Just as things reach a fever pitch, the Daily Planet once again exploits its insurance fees — an outer wall EXPLODES, showering everyone with debris. (No one notices Clark’s judicious and surreptitious use of heat vision and super-breath to deflect the dangerous stuff.)

It’s Lex, of course, hovering in the air outside the building in his swanky battlesuit.

“Lane! Kent! Olsen! Spread the word, losers — you’re all dead in six hours if Superman doesn’t show his face and let me pound him back to Krypton.”

This is it — Superman’s worst nightmare come true. His friends — his dearest friends — directly threatened.

Clark runs from the room. Luthor laughs and Lois makes a derisive comment about his cowardice.

Luthor reminds them of the terms and then vanishes, just as Superman (conveniently) appears on the scene, pissed that he just missed Lex.

Superman thinks for a few seconds, then tells Lois and Jimmy to get ready to leave. Why, they ask. Because, he admits, he can’t risk that he might lose to Luthor and leave them in danger. He has to take them somewhere safe…

 

SUPERMAN’S FORTRESS

And so, welcome to the Fortress of Solitude. Since Luthor has invaded it before, Superman has covered it with snow and ice to disguise the distinctive Kryptonian architecture. It now looks like a massive snowy mesa. This is the safest place for Lois and Jimmy to wait out Luthor’s threat.

Of course, what Superman doesn’t know is that Brainiac tracked him all the way to the Fortress. This is what Brainiac wanted all along — the location of the Fortress. He congratulates Luthor on doing his job well, then gives him a bunch of kryptonite to finish the job. Luthor asks Brainiac what Brainiac wants from the Fortress. Brainiac answers by teleporting Luthor back to Metropolis and laying in a course for the Arctic.

Inside the Fortress, Superman gives Lois and Jimmy a quick tour so that they can get settled in. The inside of the Fortress has been divvied up into chambers, each one labeled with a sign, each item in each room labeled. Within, there are gadgets and items from around the universe. Weapons Superman has confiscated from super-villains. Mementos of past cases. It’s sort of weird, actually, slightly off-putting. Lois and Jimmy can’t quite put their fingers on why…yet…

One room is a functioning robotics lab, where a disassembled robot of Superman lies in pieces on a table. Another room is labeled “HALL OF WEAPONS.” (Superman cautions them to stay away from that.) There are comfortable bedrooms, too.

Lois and Jimmy keep giving each other glances. This is…strange, to say the least.

Jimmy wanders off into a small, quiet, dark room. There’s a pedestal at the center, with a large, clear bell jar on it. Inside the jar is what appears to be a model of a Kryptonian city. Jimmy edges in for a closer look and brings up his camera to snap a picture.

Just before he can do so, Superman arrives and grabs the camera away. Jimmy almost “blinded them” with his flash.

Blinded who?

Jimmy leans in — carefully — to look and can’t believe what he’s seeing: This isn’t a MODEL of a Kryptonian city. It IS a Kryptonian city! A miniaturized Kryptonian city, with teeny, tiny Kryptonians living their teeny, tiny Kryptonian lives. A hundred thousand of them.

Superman explains that this is the work of Brainiac, who travels the universe “collecting” species by shrinking down whole cities, bottling them, and taking them aboard his ship. Before Krypton exploded, Brainiac visited that planet and took this city — Kandor. Superman liberated it when he first fought Brainiac, but he lacks the technology to enlarge the city and its inhabitants. It is, he says, another failure.

Meanwhile, in Brainiac’s ship, a hologram of Kandor floats in the air, data streaming around it… This has been Brainiac’s target all along…

And at the same time, in his Lair, Luthor ignores Terra-Man’s cries for mercy, absorbed in the work of carving slivers of kryptonite…

 

THE FIGHT BEGINS

Superman’s “tour” is interrupted when he hears something — Luthor is attacking Metropolis, causing havoc. The city’s in turmoil.

He tells Lois and Jimmy that they’ll be safe in the Fortress, then soars away at super-speed.

As soon as he leaves, Brainiac’s ship wavers into visibility, hovering nearby. A small puff of smoke from one side — a tiny rocket shoots out…

…transforming as it flies towards the Fortress…

…becoming a robotic spider-y creature.

It lands near the Fortress and then scuttles inside.

In Metropolis, Luthor is having a blast, tearing the place up. The battlesuit is FUN!

Then his screen readout shows something incoming. Fast. Faster than a speeding bullet, you might say.

And wham! Superman flies right into him, plowing the two of them down a boulevard.

Back at the Fortress, Lois wanders, concerned, distracted. In the robotics lab, she pauses, takes a pair of sunglasses out of her purse. She pops out the lenses and puts the frames on the head of the robot. Hmm…

Jimmy pokes his head in and mentions that, hey, isn’t it sort of weird that everything here is LABELED? Why would Superman need to label his own stuff?

Lois and Jimmy keep talking, intercut with scenes of:

Superman and Luthor trading blows in Metropolis — this is a Matrix fight and a Godzilla invasion rolled into one

Brainiac on the ship, monitoring the progress of his spider drone, which is…
…scuttling through the Fortress
Lois and Jimmy realize something — the signs aren’t for Superman. They’re for THEM. Superman is so terrified of not being able to protect his friends that he’s modified the Fortress as a BUNKER for them, with the dangerous stuff all labeled for their own protection.

This pisses Lois off. He’s gotten out of hand now. He can’t be so obsessed! He needs to worry about the WORLD, not just his friends. She insists that Jimmy summon Superman back with the signal watch, but just then…

Brainiac’s probe spots them.

And they spot it, too…

Meanwhile, in Metropolis, Luthor is LOVING LIFE. He’s going toe-to-toe with Superman. This is the life.

For a moment, Superman gets the upper hand, but then Lex spins around and holds up his hand and WHAM! — a dozen flechette darts shoot out. Bullet time: microscopic vision, telescopic vision, super speed. Each dart is a glowing green dart of kryptonite. Superman twists, turns, dodges. Super breath, heat vision at the same time. He’s a blur as he dodges, knocks them away, burns them…but one SKIMS HIM and slows him down as another goes RIGHT INTO HIS SHOULDER.

Back at the Fortress, Lois and Jimmy are RUNNING LIKE HELL as the Brainiac probe chases them, leaving behind little droppings…of…smaller spiders…

Smaller spiders that surge into the robotics lab and onto the Superman robot there…

Brainiac monitors it all from the ship. Kandor is within his reach, once he kills these annoying humans. Kandor is what he’s wanted all along — thousands upon thousands of Kryptonians, all of them powerless because they live in a Kryptonian environment.

But Brainiac has the technology to brainwash them.

And then RELEASE them from that environment.

It can’t be that difficult to conquer the universe when you have a hundred thousand slaves, each and every one of them as powerful as Superman…

 

FIGHTING BACK

In Metropolis, Superman is now getting his ass kicked. Luthor has him down on the ground, choking him. Superman tries to turn just enough to SEE the kryptonite dart in his shoulder… He’s weakened, but it’s only a small amount of kryptonite — he might be able to vaporize it with his heat vision…

At the Fortress robotics lab, the spiders are assembling the Superman robot.

Lois and Jimmy run like hell as the main drone chases them. “Now, Jimmy!” she yells. And Jimmy hits the button on his signal watch. ZEE-ZEE-ZEE-ZEE!

In Metropolis, Luthor’s armor catches the signal and gives him a readout: SIGNAL DETECTED. Lex laughs.

Superman’s telescopic vision kicks in, but it’s wavering and weak from the kryptonite: He sees Lois and Jimmy in the Fortress as the drone catches up to them and the Superman robot — now under Brainiac’s control — begins to make its way towards them. No! He can’t let it happen. He can’t fail AGAIN…

“Want to go save your friends?” Luthor taunts. “I’ll let you go…but I’ll kill a hundred people a minute while you’re gone.”

Superman grits his teeth. He finally finds the dart with his heat vision and it goes up in a puff of greenish smoke that quickly dissipates.

“Lex,” he asks, “how much experience have you had fighting with no gravity?”

He clutches Luthor in a bear hug and WHAM! They blaze straight up out of the atmosphere, where they fight in the UTTER SILENCE OF SPACE. Only now Superman has the advantage, having done this before.

Back at the Fortress, Lois and Jimmy are FREAKING OUT. The drone is clawing at them and the Superman robot is marching down the hall. “He always comes!” Jimmy screams, in shock that they’ve been abandoned.

Lois twists away from the drone and looks up. An idea. She runs off, leaving Jimmy to the drone. The Superman robot notices her…and follows.

In space, Lex is battered by a never-ending succession of super-strong, super-fast blows. His screen readout warns him that the system is nearing its maximum tolerance and—

Oops! Is that a CRACK beginning to form in the super-hardened, alien diamond faceshield?

Superman grabs Lex and hurls him at the Earth. BOOM! There’s a rush of sound and heat as Lex re-enters the atmosphere, pinwheeling his arms, totally out of control. Superman is right beside him.

BAM! Lex hits the ground at terminal velocity. Superman doesn’t even slow down — he swoops low, grabs Lex, and throws him into a mountain.

“This feels good, Lex! After all these years, it’s good to finally just beat the CRAP out of you for once!”

At the Fortress, Lois trips and sprawls through a doorway, sliding on the smooth floor until she slams into a pedestal of some sort. The Superman robot looms large in the doorway.

Lois grins.

CUT TO: Superman, pummeling the holy hell out of Lex. He’s focusing on that faceshield…

BAM! And the crack widens.

BAM! It widens some more…

BAM!

BAM!

BAM!

And…

The faceshield shatters at last.

In the Fortress, the Superman robot suddenly EXPLODES as a powerful energy beam rips through it. Lois comes running out of the Hall of Weapons, toting the biggest, most alien looking bazooka-thing you’ve ever seen…

On Brainiac’s ship, he begins to think that maybe his calculations were off… He sends new commands to the spider-drone…

…which releases a bruised and bloody Jimmy Olsen and begins to scuttle away towards the room where Kandor is located. Jimmy, always game, starts snapping pictures of it.

“Get down!” Lois yells and blows past him with her cannon, firing at the drone. Jimmy keeps taking pictures.

CUT TO: Superman reaches into Lex’s battlesuit, gets a good grip…

…and rips the thing in half from the inside.

Lex collapses to the ground. He starts to sneer, but he doesn’t get the chance to finish — Superman flicks him with his little finger and knocks him out cold, then launches himself into the air and makes the mother of all sonic booms heading to the Arctic.

Brainiac is panicking. Superman is on his screen now. He begins to make preparations—

Too late! Superman EXPLODES onto the scene, grabbing one of the ship’s tentacles, spinning it around, and HURLING it into space, where it soars towards the sun.

No time to make sure Brainiac is taken care of. Superman crashes through a wall into the Fortress…

…only to find Lois and Jimmy standing, triumphant, over the burning, smoking husks of the spider-drone and the Superman robot. They look like hell, but they’re alive.

“What took you so long?” Jimmy asks.

Superman sighs in relief.

 

THE AFTERMATH

Lex Luthor awakens…only to find that he’s securely bound with pieces of his own ruined battlesuit. Superman stands over him.

“Well,” Lex says, “I assume since you haven’t melted me into oblivion with your heat vision that everyone is still alive, that you’ve saved the day yet again.”

Superman grins. It’s the first honest, happy grin we’ve seen from him yet. “You say that like it’s a BAD thing, Lex.”

He picks Lex up and hauls him off to prison.

Then…to Perry White’s office, a day later. Lois Lane throws a copy of the Daily Planet down on Perry’s desk. She’s pissed! Her story…on page THREE?

Perry looks at the paper — the massive headline is:

MAYOR/UNION BOSS CAUGHT IN SCANDAL TO DEFRAUD TAXPAYERS

The byline? Clark Kent. With photos by J. Olsen, of course.

In the corner is a tiny box that reads: Assault on Superman’s Fortress, by Lois Lane (pg. 3).

Perry tells her he had no choice. Lois got a big story, yeah, but it was OBVIOUS. NO one could have missed it. Clark got the story NO ONE could have gotten. The tough story, the hidden story, not the flashy one. That guy… Clark’s weird, but he’s got VISION, Lois.

Lois marches past Clark’s cubicle and glares at him.  “How did you do that when you ran out of here like a coward when Luthor threatened all of us?”

Clark shrugs.  Seems he went into hiding, he was so scared. And worked on his story since he didn’t have anything else to do. It took his mind off the fact that he would probably die soon.

Lois throws her hands up in the air and goes to the elevator. Clark smiles.

And we cut to a MONTAGE:

Superman is EVERYWHERE. All around the world. Darfur. Tibet. Afghanistan. Egypt. Iraq. Israel. Everywhere he goes, there are crowds, THRONGS, MOBS, cheering for him.

And he lands on the roof of the Daily Planet at the end of a long day. Lois and Jimmy are waiting for him. It’s been a few days, Jimmy says, almost sulking.

Superman apologizes. He’s been…busy.

No kidding. The UN is even talking about reinstating his special status. Obviously, the world loves him. More, the world NEEDS him.

What about being everywhere at once? Lois wants to know.

Superman smiles. Says nothing. He takes off as Jimmy snaps pictures.

“Welcome back, big guy!” Jimmy shouts.

And we follow Superman into the air…

…over the city…

…to Draper Island Superhuman Detention Facility, where he goes immediately to Lex Luthor’s rebuilt cell.

“Here to have a laugh?” Luthor wants to know.

“Just making sure your cell’s been rebuilt to my specifications.”

Luthor chuckles. They both know that no prison cell can hold Lex Luthor for long.

Lex taunts him: “You won this time. Like all the times before. But the difference between us is this: I only need to win ONE TIME. I only need one mistake or one bit of luck or one perfect plan. Because let me tell you something. Even YOU can’t be everywhere at once. Even YOU can’t save everyone.”

Superman nods. He’s not bothered in the least.

“That’s OK, Lex. Not everyone NEEDS to be saved.”

We pull back and out through the prison walls and ceiling. Up into the sky. Superman rises up from the prison grounds to join us, and we pull back further, into the night itself, as Superman — a relaxed, joyous smile on his face — turns to us…

….and WINKS…

FADE TO CREDITS

 

AFTER CREDITS SEQUENCE

Brainiac’s ship wheels through space, whipping past Mercury. The tentacles flail about, then suddenly extend, rigid, firing retrothrusters.

Inside the ship, Brainiac stands at his control screen. Images fly by, calculating the distance to the sun, the exterior heat of the ship, etc.

We see another portion of the screen — a warp is plotted.

Suddenly, Terra-Man materializes in the control room. What the hell—?

“Lex Luthor failed me,” says Brainiac. “But you will not. Especially with the new allies we will have.”

Terra-Man squints at Brainiac’s screen. Text and numbers scroll by so quickly we can barely read them, but he manages to catch SOMETHING.

Back to the warp plotted on the screen. The calculations are finished.

Outside the ship — as Mercury fades in the background, the ship swivels, engines fire, and BANG — Brainiac warps away.

Inside, Terra-Man looks over at Brainiac. “What… What’s ‘the Phantom Zone?’”

SMASH-CUT TO BLACK

 

This Week’s Tumblr – June 28, 2014

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Barry Lyga, you cannot just end a book like…

From Goth Girl Rising, 2009:

Everyone hates girls — even other…

Weird, but I’m having some trouble responding on Tumblr.

So…

Hey, @dentedlives! Thanks…

invadermyna:

idk i wanted to skerdoodle jazz and connie from…

On behalf of someone who is involved with dentedlives: would you happen to know how people can apply for ARCs of Blood of my blood? Thanks. And, by the by, you are an amazing author. Can't wait for September!

Love that word cloud!

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Tonight at Central Library: Awesome author…

I HUNT KILLERS: The MMPB!

BLOOD OF MY BLOOD: More Excerpts

Only TWO DAYS left to meet the goal for the I Hunt Killers…

This Week's Tumblr – June 21, 2014

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I HUNT KILLERS: The MMPB!

In a truly bizarre coincidence, I happened to stumble upon a review of Game today which says, in part:

I must admit to being baffled as to why this book is published as a YA novel at all. Lyga does not pull any punches when it comes to describing the terrible acts committed by his villains. Jasper’s character is undergoing one of the most unusual coming-of-age narratives ever described in fiction, but I don’t really think that is enough to justify marketing this as a book for young adults.

Not to say that mature readers in their teens won’t enjoy this series, especially if they are as fascinated by serial killers and their capacity to do violence as many adult readers…. But I think that this book really belongs with the other thrillers in the regular fiction section of the store. Adult readers of thrillers will certainly enjoy it, and mature teenage readers who are transitioning to that section will find it….

Why is this a bizarre coincidence? Well, mainly because today is the day when we begin to find out if I Hunt Killers can survive in the rough-and-tumble world of adult fiction. Today is the release date of the mass-market paperback edition of I Hunt Killers.

A mass-market paperback is just what it sounds like: A paperback edition designed for the “mass market.” In other words, the market outside bookstores. These are the paperbacks you see in airports, in spinner racks at the drugstore, etc.

It’s fairly rare for a YA novel to be published for the mass market. I’m thrilled!1

The mass market is typically considered to be an adult-oriented market. Ever since publication (actually, even earlier), people have been telling me that I Hunt Killers would appeal to adults, and my experience has been that this is the case. I get a lot of email from adults who’ve read it, as well as a lot of them showing up at my signings. It’s a great move on the part of my publisher to make this effort, and I hope it turns out to be worth it.

In addition to the gorgeous new cover (look at that thing!), the MMPB also contains the e-novella Lucky Day, as a little bonus. So, if you’ve been dying for Lucky Day in print, here’s your chance!

Theoretically, you could wander into your local 7-Eleven or grocery store or airport bookstore and find I Hunt Killers there, but if you don’t wander much (or if you want it to come to you!), then you can order it at Barnes & Noble or from one of the Indiebound stores. (Amazon, sadly, is currently punishing its customers as part of a business negotiation with my publisher. You can order it from them if you want, but I encourage you to consider other options.)

And hey — if you see I Hunt Killers on your travels, take a picture and post it Twitter or Tumblr and tag me (@barrylyga)! I’d love to see where this book ends up. And perhaps there will be a little prize randomly given out to some lucky soul…

Let me be brutally honest for a moment here, in a footnote: Usually, for a YA novel to be published for the mass market, it has to be incredibly successful, a la Twilight or The Hunger Games. It’s not false modesty to say that I Hunt Killers ranks nowhere near those kinds of books, so it’s very humbling to see my publisher’s faith in the book expressed in this fashion.

Blood of My Blood: More Excerpts

Here are some more excerpts from Blood of My Blood, designed to keep you cold in this last full week of June…

Hughes did not relish the moment when the dead man’s pants were pulled down. Hughes had seen and experienced a hell of a lot as a New York homicide detective and had become inured to most of it over the years, but genital trauma still skeeved him out.

“Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?” That’s what it was. Macbeth, right?

“Macbeth had the bit about ‘who would have thought the old man,” et cetera, right?” he asked a crime-scene photographer crouched down near the body.

The photog’s expression clearly revealed that she thought Hughes had been to one too many crime scenes. “How the hell am I supposed to know?” she asked.

“Well-rounded education?” Hughes suggested.

When her left foot came down, that electricity sizzled again, and she nearly screamed in pain, but she needed her breath for running. She hissed into the agony and forced herself to run, hobbling as quickly as she could, not caring which direction she went, not paying attention to where she was, just propelling herself forward as fast as she could go, each step a mad, hurtful rush.

It waits inside you, Billy had said in the visitation room at Wammaket. It pads around like a big cat, and when you least expect it, it comes up behind you. Oh, he could feel it now. Exactly as Billy had described it. It was a cougar, a tiger, a lion, prowling his innards, softly growling deep in its — and his — throat. It had the taste of blood on its lips and tongue.

It wanted that taste for him. And God help him, he wanted it, too.

He was not a man of whims, Billy Dent. He was a man of passions. A man of convictions. He knew what he believed, and he knew what he deserved. When there were things to be done to the cute little blond up the street, Billy Dent damn well went and did them.

Because no one else would, and Billy couldn’t live in that world.

This Week’s Tumblr – June 21, 2014

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It’s supposed to be Jazz Dent from I Hunt Killers,…

Back in March, I attended the Cavalcade of Authors in Richland, WA. Lots of fun! Here are some…

Yikes! Only a few more days to order an I Hunt Killers t-shirt!…

Lazer Wars: Episode 3 — Return of the Reality

"I still remember negotiating that deal. I was petrified. I was somewhere in my mid-twenties and this…"

Way back in the day (like, 2009!), before Goth Girl Rising hit…

I love the #WeNeedDiverseBooks movement. As an white, cishet, abled woman, I worry about writing about minority characters not because I don't think they have valid stories to tell, but because I'm afraid I won't get it right. I know that, at the end of the day, we're all people. I also know that I have different experiences. How do I write diverse cast accurately and without offending people? Do I even have a "right" to? I struggle with this often and wonder if anyone has insight/suggestions?

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GAME: Now in Paperback!

Thanks!

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"Go to college if you’re fortunate enough to have the opportunity."

I picked up I Hunt Killers on a whim at the library one day and I instantly fell in love. I absolutely cannot wait for Blood of My Blood to come out. Is there any chance they will all be sold as a box set upon its release?

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Cavalcade of Authors!

Back in March, I attended the Cavalcade of Authors in Richland, WA. Lots of fun! Here are some pictures.

Lazer Wars: Episode 3 — Return of the Reality

When last we left our intrepid young Barry, he had just finished producing (with the help of his friends) a comic book for the Lazer Wars toys. And now…

Time passed. The toy guys did their jobs, and Jeff and I did ours. The comic was done, but we’d been told to come up with plans for a second series of toys, with an eye toward developing an animated TV series. I started brainstorming plots and characters, and Jeff began putting together numbers for producing further comics.

One day, I got a call from the toy guys. The rough cut of the first commercial was done and they’d overnighted it to me.

Jeff and I rushed to my house after work. Sure enough, a FedEx package awaited us, containing a videotape. (I remind you: IT WAS THE NINETIES!)

We popped the tape in and…

Well, we didn’t have the expression “WTF” in 1998, but that’s what we were thinking anyway.

The toys in the commercial didn’t seem as…sleek as the sketches we’d been provided. It was tough to tell because they were being handled by kids and so blocked a good deal of the time, but they seemed a bit…chunky.1

Additionally, the colors seemed sort of bright. Not the dark, muted palette we’d expected (and used in the comic), but more like pastels.

This was all weird, yes, but the weirdest thing was this: No visible beam.

Now, remember, back when the guys first explained that the toys shot each other and reacted to being shot, I asked if the beam was visible. I asked them: “So, a beam of light goes from one figure to another and I can see it?” And they replied “Yes.”

Try as we might, Jeff and I could not see the beam of light in the commercial. The kids were firing plenty of “lazers” at each other and the figures were falling down, but we couldn’t see a beam. Flashes of white light? Sure. But no coherent beams.

“Maybe it just doesn’t show up on film,” Jeff theorized.

That seemed possible. Still, I was uneasy. The figures looked off somehow. I wasn’t sure what to think at this point.

A little while later, Jeff and I made the trip to New York for Toy Fair. We went to Toy Island’s show room, which had been made over to look like the surface of Mars. Pretty cool, actually. The toys were posed all around the room in a mock battle. A little tough to see, though, because the lighting was really dim.

In a moment, I found out why.

But first…

Remember that the whole point of this toy line was to do “McFarlane-level sculpting in science fiction.” So, like this:

Or like this:

What we got was this:

Now, look, there’s nothing wrong with that figure. It’s a perfectly fine toy.

But it’s not McFarlane-level sculpting and detail. It’s too big and blocky. I quickly discerned why: The technology required for the figures to “shoot” each other required space. If you made these figures today, you could probably toss a cheap Bluetooth chip in there along with a cellphone motor and make it as slim as any other toy. But back then, the light sensors, the flashlight, and the vibration motor needed space. And so the toys ended up seriously top-heavy.

That was one problem, sure. But the other problem was, well…

The “lazer” guns that the characters used were basically just flashlights. Consequently, their light sensors were designed to pick up, well, flashlights. In other words, almost any light. In fact, the instructions with the figures even mention that they should not be used outdoors…because sunlight would trigger them!

That’s why the showroom was so dim. When I picked up a figure and tilted it, it screamed and shook as though it would fall down. Not because it had been shot, but rather because the regular old overhead light had set it off!2

So… Sunlight set them off. Your table lamp set them off. They didn’t look like something toy collectors would go nuts for, the way they’d gone nuts for McFarlane. And that was fine. I mean, Jeff and I thought we were developing a property for older kids and collectors, but apparently not.

Compare that picture above of Em Grosser to what was in the comic:

We didn’t make that up. That image was based on sketches we were provided. They’re hugely different from each other. I thought I was writing Star Wars, but it turns out I was writing Ewoks.

I want to make sure I say here that I don’t mean to mock or denigrate the toy guys or what they produced. I think their vision outstripped the technology and they charged ahead regardless. And they were always fair and honorable in their dealings with us; no one’s checks bounced.

They just clearly had a completely different vision of what this thing was. And the technology just wasn’t there to make it a success. The idea was great, but it fell short in the execution. If you can’t take your toys outside to play…if someone turning on a lamp at the wrong moment can make your army fall down… It just ain’t gonna work.

And it didn’t.

Well, you can imagine what happened next. The toys landed on toy store shelves…and stayed there. Months later the Toy Island guys told us that sales hadn’t been what they needed in order to proceed. The second series of toys, the further comics, the animated series… All dead. They thanks us for our efforts and our time, but that was the end of it.

I was disappointed, sure, but also pumped up. Working on this story had reinvigorated my writing urges. I wrote a sci-fi novel, based loosely on my original toy premise, the one they hadn’t bought. And then I wrote another one.

And then I wrote a novel upon which I bestowed the truly absurd title The Astonishing Adventures of Fanboy & Goth Girl.

So, happy ending after all.

Oh, and one crazy coda to this whole thing: Part of my contract was a stipulation that I receive a dozen of each toy. The Toy Island guys said, “Are you sure you want that many? The boxes are pretty big.” I stood my ground: I wanted those damn toys!

Well, one day I came home from work to discover four ENORMOUS boxes from Hong Kong on my doorstep. I wrestled them inside. These boxes were easily 2x2x5 at the smallest — at least 20 cubic feet, if not more.

I left them in the living room, figuring I would open them and figure out what to do with the toys when the weekend came.

Well, the next day, I came home from work…and there were more of the same boxes waiting for me.

And the day after that.

And the day after that.

My entire living room was packed to the ceiling with gigantic crates of toys from Hong Kong. I finally relocated them to the basement (should have put them there first!) and unpacked them. Sure enough, I had a dozen not only of each toy, but of each SKU! Meaning that I had a dozen of Col. Chance and Em Grosser as single figures…and then also a dozen of the Chance/Grosser two-pack!

It was sort of crazy, but also sort of cool. It took years to give away that many toys, but I eventually did. Nowadays, I have a single two-pack and a couple of loose figures. None of the robots or ships.

Oh, and a coda to the coda: A month or so after all the toys arrived, I got a bill from Toy Island’s parent company for several hundred dollars for the international FedEx costs of shipping the toys from Hong Kong. It took many, many phone calls, but eventually I was able to get them to reverse those costs.

And that was the end of my toy career. Well, unless you count the Goth Girl minimate.

P.S. I tried to track down that commercial, but couldn’t. Even YouTube is stumped. But I did go ahead and shoot my own little video for you so that you can see one of the toys in action…

Is this the first instance of fat-shaming toys? Perhaps. I am a pioneer!Interestingly, these toys would probably be much more usable today — we don’t really use incandescent lights all that much any more.