Shahd Alshammari's Blog, page 13

They say to forget is a blessing. But this is my answer t...

They say to forget is a blessing. But this is my answer today, as we grow older, day in and day out, weeks and months, a history of lifetimes:

أتمنى  ان ينساني النسيان.. ولا أنساك 

Words that I scribbled across a paper. Fold up the paper, rip it in half, ask you silently to light up my path again. The most intense type of communication is silence, across time and space. 

  

Four words

Perfume: a strong whiff of you. If only I could keep you in a bottle, spray you onto me whenever I am tired of my own scent. Classy, rare, different. Manufacturers should pay you to wear their perfume. 

Water: thirst, a thirst that cannot be quenched. You used to give me bottles of water every day, making sure I had the normal intake, making sure it was always next to me. But I loved stealing your bottle. If only I drank you instead of water, I might have a normal intake of you, instead of droplets of you. 

Paper: my notes and observations scattered around my desk. Research, studies, theories of you. If only I wrote a better beginning and an end to our story. But you would say “the story hasn’t ended. It hasn’t even started.” 

Dictionary: words with meanings and definitions. I search for a word to describe this feeling, but I need to create a new word, coin it. If only you knew that your name is the beginning and end of all my dictionaries. 

طفل

I heard this song the other day where the words say something like واعتبرني طفل ومو كامل عقل

And I really thought about it. It’s no insult. At the end of the day, we don’t all grow at the same pace. We don’t all have the same abilities. I was, always, learning from you. I was the stronger one emotionally, you said my strength was different. You were the stronger one physically and intellectually. Your experience with life, people, obstacles. I am still learning, and you should know I hear your voice all the time.. And if I failed you, then think of me as طفل ومو كامل عقل.. 

Perhaps this will make you smile- and if it does, then I envy the eyes that witness it. 

Lately I have turned into a Vampire. I don’t sleep. I am ...

Lately I have turned into a Vampire. I don’t sleep. I am unable to sleep, not because of anything within my own power, but an outside force is manipulating and altering my brain’s chemistry. And it’s amazing, really, what happens when the body needs to shut down, and the brain won’t let it. 

Splashing water onto my face in the morning, I stare at the mirror. I look for you. Is it possible that by looking into my own eyes I am searching for you? I reach out for the toothbrush, and I wonder if you still have mine with you. You had kept it. But the toothbrush outlived me, and I am no longer there. I still think I can do everything, that I am superhuman, that my body can handle the trials and tribulations of life, that I am still on top. But I am, in reality, an amputee. I am missing a limb, and my brain still functions on the phantom limb- that is you. 

Push

You taught me how to breathe. Yes, I know, people are born knowing how to breathe. But you taught me how to breathe when I was breathless, when I panicked, when I was too scared. You taught me to think about perspectives. You taught me to stand up to those that didn’t understand. You taught me the mechanics of love. The abcs of bedtime. Rising up. Your voice would tell me to try and get out of bed- when I couldn’t get up. You, at work already, busy with your meetings,  and me, struggling to get up and go teach. “Hi. Come on, yallaa, try.” And all I needed was that push. You pushed, but never too much. 

Being afraid and still plunging. You taught me to number my pain using percentages. You explained me to myself.. And who else would have done that? You believed that nothing was impossible. Even history could be debated.. And we debated everything. You taught me the beauty of language, when I thought I had mastered it. Have I mastered you the way you mastered me? 

   

 

Rahma

Some people keep a misbah for religious reasons, while others sport it as fashion. I have used it to repeat your name, to call for you, to ask for forgiveness, light. God’s 99 names are all needed.. Alnoor.. Alghafoor.. Alraheem.. 

Rahma- a word I cannot translate into English. It is not simply mercy. It is an act of love beating pain, kindness beating anger, the heart melting after it has become a rigid stone. Rahma.. Can it be for everyone? And does everyone have that ability?  

     

  

Fayrooz says… زعلي طول أنا وياك وسنين بقيتجرب فيهن أنا ...

Fayrooz says…

 زعلي طول أنا وياك وسنين بقيت

جرب فيهن أنا إنساك ..ما قدرت نسيت

The truth is, you never really forget. And perhaps the first action is to want to forget.

Butterfly Effect/Chaos Theory

Butterfly Effect/Chaos Theory

“The theory that even the smallest step one takes in his/her life can change the course of said life immensely. The name of this theory came to be when a Chaos Theory stated: “It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.”

Right vs. Left 

Up vs. Down 

Noon vs. Midnight 

These choices, once chosen, are all examples of the Butterfly Effect and how one of these choices vs. another will affect one’s life greatly.” 

Science. Facts. Something you can depend on to be concrete. One choice. One path, one road, one decision, one utterance, one word that changes everything. You alter your life and another’s. It was just one mistake, one word. The effect still rings in my ears, and the shock in your eyes, the trauma that followed.. The death of dreams. Delete: as though one never existed. 

My apologies. My condolences. My regret. But chaos theory is a fact, and my words are just words. 

Nizar’s words

من كلمات نزار قباني:

حبك يا عميقة العينين

تطرف

تصوف

عبادة

حبك مثل الموت والولادة

صعب بأن يعاد مرتين

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عشرين ألف امرأة أحببت

عشرين ألف امرأة جربت

وعندما التقيت فيك يا حبيبتي

شعرت أني الآن قد بدأت

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لقد حجزت غرفة لاثنين في بيت القمر

نقضي بها نهاية الأسبوع يا حبيبتي

فنادق العالم لا تعجبني

الفندق الذي أحب أن أسكنه هو القمر

لكنهم هنالك يا حبيبتي

لا يقبلون زائرا يأتي بغير امرأة

فهل تجيئين معي

يا قمري . . إلى القمر؟ 

Failure

When all the world is silent, I am able to hear you across time and space. You loved words, and you loved old Arabic poetry. Most people didn’t. I couldn’t write what I wanted to express in Arabic, and that’s when I realized language fails me, but worse, I have failed language. And I have failed you- the ultimate tragedy. The Stars surround me, and there’s a vast hole in the sky, in the shape of you.