Michael Swanwick's Blog, page 124
October 14, 2015
Protecting Yourself From A Martini Snob
.
Let's imagine you find yourself cornered at a party or a convention or, indeed, any other social event by a Martini Snob. You know the type... an insufferable pedant, full of trivia about the history of that noble drink, and pronouncements from on high as to exactly what is and is not a Martini. Someone like (cough) me.
You'll want to put the dastard in his place, of course. But given his (it's always a him, isn't it?) superior knowledge of a subject you never felt the least inclination to investigate, how?
Simple.
Wait for a brief lull in the torrent of words -- even the most long-winded has to stop to take a breath -- and ask, "Do you prefer your Martinis shaken or stirred?"
Nine times out of ten, the Martini Snob will draw himself up and haughtily declaim, "Shaken, of course!" Because if one doesn't chill the Martini by shaking, there is no excuse for collecting shakers.
"Ah," you'll say. "Interesting."
"Interesting? How so?" the Martini Snob will ask suspiciously.
"Because you express a disdain for Martini-like drinks and yet that's exactly what you're drinking -- not a proper Martini, but a Bradford."
Nonsense will come out of the Martini Snob's mouth. He may even sputter. But you will endure it all with a saintly smile. Then, when he finally comes to a stop, you'll whip out your smartphone and suggest that he look it up.
Yes, technically speaking a proper Martini is always stirred, not shaken. Putting the fixings in a shaker and giving it a good rattling magically transforms it into a Bradford.
That's "technically," of course. Nobody uses the term in polite company. Save for the poor soul who's been cornered by a Martini Snob.
So do I use the term myself...?
No, of course not. Whenever I fix a cold, steely Martini, I employ a cocktail shaker. And afterwards I completely eschew the term Bradford for the more dignified moniker of Martini. But I know it's wrong. Very, very wrong.
Wrong in the same way that some of the sexual practices you enjoy so much are wrong.
*
Let's imagine you find yourself cornered at a party or a convention or, indeed, any other social event by a Martini Snob. You know the type... an insufferable pedant, full of trivia about the history of that noble drink, and pronouncements from on high as to exactly what is and is not a Martini. Someone like (cough) me.
You'll want to put the dastard in his place, of course. But given his (it's always a him, isn't it?) superior knowledge of a subject you never felt the least inclination to investigate, how?
Simple.
Wait for a brief lull in the torrent of words -- even the most long-winded has to stop to take a breath -- and ask, "Do you prefer your Martinis shaken or stirred?"
Nine times out of ten, the Martini Snob will draw himself up and haughtily declaim, "Shaken, of course!" Because if one doesn't chill the Martini by shaking, there is no excuse for collecting shakers.
"Ah," you'll say. "Interesting."
"Interesting? How so?" the Martini Snob will ask suspiciously.
"Because you express a disdain for Martini-like drinks and yet that's exactly what you're drinking -- not a proper Martini, but a Bradford."
Nonsense will come out of the Martini Snob's mouth. He may even sputter. But you will endure it all with a saintly smile. Then, when he finally comes to a stop, you'll whip out your smartphone and suggest that he look it up.
Yes, technically speaking a proper Martini is always stirred, not shaken. Putting the fixings in a shaker and giving it a good rattling magically transforms it into a Bradford.
That's "technically," of course. Nobody uses the term in polite company. Save for the poor soul who's been cornered by a Martini Snob.
So do I use the term myself...?
No, of course not. Whenever I fix a cold, steely Martini, I employ a cocktail shaker. And afterwards I completely eschew the term Bradford for the more dignified moniker of Martini. But I know it's wrong. Very, very wrong.
Wrong in the same way that some of the sexual practices you enjoy so much are wrong.
*
Fallen Leaves (October 14)
.
"Just As I Was About To Achieve Enlightenment"
"Just As I Was About To Achieve Enlightenment"
October 13, 2015
Fallen Leaves (October 13)
.
"I Had A Good Life --This, I Guess, Is The Price"
"I Had A Good Life --This, I Guess, Is The Price"
October 12, 2015
Throngs of New York
.
I spent Sunday at the New York Comic Con, autographing copies of Chasing the Phoenix , and at times all I could think of was the line from Don DeLillo's Mao II, "The future belongs to crowds." There were a lot of of people there. Last year racked up over 150,000 distinct visitors and since this year's con was sold out months ago, I can't imagine there were any fewer this time around.
Here's the thing, though. DeLillo's novel, first published in 1991, was a dark meditation on the death of liberal humanist values -- privacy, the primacy of the individual, literature, personal agency, and so on. And in the crowds of people paying for the privilege of being allowed to buy into corporately branded fantasies, you could certainly see something like that, if you chose.
But it didn't look like that from the floor.
There were some superficially positive things -- a nice mix of skin colors, the fact that women and girls were far from a rarity -- that you could write off as irrelevant. But so many of those people looked to be having fun in a way that didn't seem to have anything to do with herd mentality. Parents brought their children. A lot of those children came in costume. And sometimes the parents wore costumes too.
It was striking how many people were in costume. It seemed obvious to me that this was their way of emphasizing that however the exhibitors might see the event, it was not for them a solely commercial operation. They were there to celebrate their love of popular culture.
It wasn't a crowd in the sense of DiLillo's despairing vision, mindless and controlled, but something more democratic, and more joyful. All those values that intellectuals were despairing of were in full play -- only focused not on winners of the Penn/Faulkner Award but on Deadpool and Buffy and Power Rangers Dino Charge.
Of taste and scent, no argument," as Avram Davidson liked to say. You can make grumpy noises that, really, people out to have more elevated tastes than they do. But you can't argue with joy.
Above: But it really was very crowded.
*
I spent Sunday at the New York Comic Con, autographing copies of Chasing the Phoenix , and at times all I could think of was the line from Don DeLillo's Mao II, "The future belongs to crowds." There were a lot of of people there. Last year racked up over 150,000 distinct visitors and since this year's con was sold out months ago, I can't imagine there were any fewer this time around.
Here's the thing, though. DeLillo's novel, first published in 1991, was a dark meditation on the death of liberal humanist values -- privacy, the primacy of the individual, literature, personal agency, and so on. And in the crowds of people paying for the privilege of being allowed to buy into corporately branded fantasies, you could certainly see something like that, if you chose.
But it didn't look like that from the floor.
There were some superficially positive things -- a nice mix of skin colors, the fact that women and girls were far from a rarity -- that you could write off as irrelevant. But so many of those people looked to be having fun in a way that didn't seem to have anything to do with herd mentality. Parents brought their children. A lot of those children came in costume. And sometimes the parents wore costumes too.
It was striking how many people were in costume. It seemed obvious to me that this was their way of emphasizing that however the exhibitors might see the event, it was not for them a solely commercial operation. They were there to celebrate their love of popular culture.
It wasn't a crowd in the sense of DiLillo's despairing vision, mindless and controlled, but something more democratic, and more joyful. All those values that intellectuals were despairing of were in full play -- only focused not on winners of the Penn/Faulkner Award but on Deadpool and Buffy and Power Rangers Dino Charge.
Of taste and scent, no argument," as Avram Davidson liked to say. You can make grumpy noises that, really, people out to have more elevated tastes than they do. But you can't argue with joy.
Above: But it really was very crowded.
*
Fallen Leaves (October 12)
.
"I Should Have Gone For Tenure"
"I Should Have Gone For Tenure"
October 11, 2015
TODAY At New York Comic Con!!!
.
I'll be at the NYCC today. If you're there, why not say Hi?
There are two events:
A signing at Noon (booth 2223).
A panel, GET OUT OF YOUR CHAIR AND OFF THE PLANET in the afternoon.
It should be fun. I'm looking forward to it.
I'll be at the NYCC today. If you're there, why not say Hi?
There are two events:
A signing at Noon (booth 2223).
A panel, GET OUT OF YOUR CHAIR AND OFF THE PLANET in the afternoon.
It should be fun. I'm looking forward to it.
Fallen Leaves (October 11)
.
"MEMENTO MORI"
"MEMENTO MORI"
October 10, 2015
Fallen Leaves (October 10)
.
"I LivedI LovedI Died"
"I LivedI LovedI Died"
October 9, 2015
Ask Unca Mike
.
Science fiction and fantasy writers are a group are extraordinarily generous with advice to new writers. A moment's thought, however, reveals that this is just encouraging talented young people to occupy the publishing niches and win the awards that would otherwise go to to us Old Hands. Ask Unca Mike is an attempt to rectify this deplorable situation.
A Real Quandary
This is a real quandary. I have always shied away from mass-market bestselling science fiction. I've always preferred writers like (if anyone could be like) Lafferty, Hughart, Swanwick, Waldrop, etc. Yet, I am reading The Martian right now and loving it. Why? It is a bestseller, is being made into an immensely popular movie. Worse yet, it has a storyline that might even make the puppies happy (or at least less sad for a brief moment). It is a story about a clever guy doing clever things in space to get himself out of improbable deadly situations. It should read like a piece of "Golden Age" pulp, yet I can't put it down, and I'm really enjoying reading it. Is it actually a good book, or am I failing at being a literary snob?
-Perplexed
Yes.
If you have a question for Unca Mike you can post it below. Or write to AskUncaMike ("at" sign) gmail.com. I'll respond to those I have the best answers for.
Ask Unca Mike appears here on Fridays.
*
Fallen Leaves (October 9)
.
"Had I Known Death Would Be So CommonI'd Have Died Sooner -- And Avoided The Rush"
"Had I Known Death Would Be So CommonI'd Have Died Sooner -- And Avoided The Rush"
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