Raven Dark's Blog, page 2

It’s A Party! ETA…30 minutes. Breathing.

I was so caught up with getting Doing Wright up for preorder the last few days, I’ve been too frazzled to get a lot of things in, including a blog post. Jesus, when did this writing stuff actually become a job??  LOL

I’m taking over here for a half hour slot, celebrating Kathleen Kelly’s recently reaching 300K likes with a slew of other authors who are all releasing their books out into the world this month, or who already have. The party starts at 4:00 EST, and I’m up at 4:30, in honor of Doing Wright’s release. The takeover ends at 11:00 PM, and there’s lots of prizes and games.

Prizes. Everyone likes winning, right?

So get on over and join us and have some fun.

Also, parties make me terribly nervous, so you get a chance to watch me squirm. LOL  Seriously, I’m that person that sits at the back of the room and prays no one asks me any questions, and I don’t say anything epically stupid.

Just…yeah.

*Checks clock* 12 minutes and counting.

*Breathes.*

***Doing Wright, my erotic short story, is now available for preorder at Amazon. It releases Sept 1, 2015.*** It’s a BBW with a hint of BDSM, romance, and a hot alpha professor. My first release, and the first in the five part serial, Teach Me. I’ll be releasing the other parts as time allows. 

Follow my Amazon page while you’re there to receive updates on all my books and connect to my other pages. 

R.D.

An Amazing Video About Never Giving Up. Believe.

I’ve been wanting to share this video with you guys for a long time. But the fact that it’s one of the most amazing motivational, inspirational videos I’ve ever seen isn’t the only reason I wanted to share it.

This video hits extremely close to home for me. Those who have known me for the last 3 years or so know I have serious mobility issues. I’m not as bad as Author was. Not NOW. But 3 years ago, I was. And I still have a long way to go.

I know everyone has a goal. One which seems impossible to reach some days. For everyone who’s struggling to get where you want to be, I want you to know something. And then I want you to watch the video.  People say all the time, never give up. But this is one of the few times you see it in action, that anything really is possible if you put your mind to it.

Unlike Arthur, I rarely use a cane, but when I’m out, sometimes I have to. After only a few minutes of walking, my back and hips get so tired I have to sit, which means I can’t go far, and I always have to worry if there’s no place to rest. I can’t leave the house unassisted, and I can’t navigate stairs without help. But here’s what you may not know.

I forget how long ago it would have been now. 4 years, maybe? Well, back then, I didn’t have any mobility problems. I have Cerebral Palsy, so my balance has never been perfect, but since childhood, I’ve been trained to move certain ways so that I was able to get around and do almost everything a non-disabled person can. I ran, I exercised, and for a while I took karate. I don’t have photos that show how good my range of motion was, but I wish I did. They were lost during dozens of moves.

The closest I can get to showing you what I was like back then is the below photo. I know it’s really grainy and hard to see, but it’s the best I have. LOL.

I’ve always been super self conscious of my appearance. Constant bullying has made me always a little reclusive and overly private. I only started coming out of my shell and showing myself more in the last few years, when needing a social media face as an author made me realize readers needed a person to connect with, not just words. I can post a pic of myself without having a nervous breakdown now.

8 years ago, I think

In the photo I’m not moving, but you can see I stand well, and I was a lot thinner. My balance and posture were much better.

Until 5 years ago, when I got a painful ingrown toenail. It dug into a nerve. I had it removed. It grew back. This time, I didn’t. Every time I stood or walked, it was like having a needle shoved into my toe. So I stopped trying. By the time I was able to deal with it, I wasn’t the same person anymore.

Last year. Yeah…I’m the big one. LOL

One day I stood up, and I realized I could barely stand without holding onto something.  I was in a hell of a lot of trouble. Compounding this issue, my CP means I lost muscle mass faster than most. My muscles had atrophied. CP causes the hamstrings to become too tight, and daily activity keeps them from getting worse. I didn’t realize how quickly the lack of activity would affect me. Also, for someone with CP, a lot of weight gain can be devastating. I ballooned to almost twice my size. And my hamstrings had tightened to the point where I couldn’t straighten. Plus, I had lost flexibility in my back. My spine was was too tight.

Then a few years ago, I finally figured out why the exercises I was doing weren’t working. After a hospital visit for my second ingrown, I was put in touch with a physical therapist. She taught me the right stretches to loosen things up. Those are different for someone with CP than for someone without.

After only a month of doing the stretches, I noticed a difference. My balance slowly got better. I’ve been doing them steadily for six months or more now, and these days, my balance and range of motion is far better.  My weight is better.

A little.

I still can’t walk long or leave the house alone. I need help outside my tiny home, where my muscles are trained to accept short distances. Showering is a nightmare. But I can stand for 8 minutes, and I can walk to my kitchen without holding onto the wall.

Progress.

One quick note here. I want people to understand, with all the effyourbueatystandards things going on now, I’m not fat shaming. I’m not trying to imply that, I, or Author had a problem, cause we was fat. LOL In both our cases, our weight issues compounded other health issues until losing the weight becomes imperative. I was starting to have trouble breathing. I lost all of my independence. No matter how much weight I lose, I will always be curvy. I am a BBW, and that’s awesome. All body types are gorgeous. I don’t want to be thin. I want my LIFE back.

I haven’t made the kind of incredible progress Author has. And I’m not looking to become a star athlete. But my goal is to be able to do what he does at the end of the video. I won’t spoil, but I was like that before. I can be again.

With hard work, a careful diet, and exercise, I will get there. And you can too.

If you have a goal, keep striving. Whatever it is, don’t give up. You will get there. Work hard, believe in yourself, and know that someone believes in you too. And, if they don’t, let it be me.

Never Read A Romance? Grow Up.

While editing an upcoming book for a friend, I came across a blog post I just had to share.

At some point, anyone who has written or who reads romance regularly has encountered some form of judgement. I addressed this before in one of my posts on romance and erotica a few weeks ago, the fact so many people, often ones who have never even cracked open a romance novel refuse to take it seriously and label it as trash. The post below addresses the issue with such aplomb, I won’t waste time saying it again here. After reading the post, I only wished I had been able to say it half so well.

Read on here. And thank me later. 

R.D.

Bic’s Epic Marketing Fail, And Why We Shouldn’t Stay Silent

There’s something sad about the need for me to post about a thing like the above ad, which appeared on my Facebook feed this morning. An ad that, as soon as it went out, caused a media storm.

The obvious sexism in it is a mindset I would have hoped we had evolved past long ago. The existence of the ad proves this is not the case, and some of the responses to the ad, ones which imply it’s no big deal or isn’t offensive, prove the issue the ad perpetuates is all too real.

I know some would think it better for me to say nothing. In the video below, after an apology from Bic about their epic failure of an ad, the narrator pointed out that some companies in in South Africa post ads which are often deliberately offensive in order to spark conversation. That’s a trollish tactic, and akin to bear pokers in social media who engage in antagonistic behavior to get attention.

Watch the video to see what I mean.

http://www.cnn.com/2015/08/12/africa/feat-bic-sexist-pens/

Good social media dictates we shouldn’t engage with such behavior, and, by that thinking, reacting to the ad is feeding the troll. Except, when the bear poking is coming from a powerful business with a far reach and a world wide brand, ignoring said behavior only feeds the problem.

The reason I and so many other women found the ad offensive is pretty self explanatory, but since I posted about it on Facebook and Twitter, I’ve already received flack for not explaining my position. So, before I go any further, *sigh* here goes.

The lines, “Look like a girl,” and “Act like a lady,” imply we should look, talk, walk, act like refined, poised, perfect little waifs who take orders without question and never rock the boat. Even when it’s obvious something in the workplace is wrong and needs to be addressed.

Ladylike, as in the way people thought of a lady in the fucking fifties.

The line “Look like a girl” is silly, because it implies we have to look like young, attractive teenagers in order to succeed. Really? Also, see the subtle implication there’s no place for older women in the workplace, and if you can’t at least look young, there’s the door.

Right, because men don’t want an old fart to look at. Because, you know, women’s whole purpose is to please men.

“Think like a man…” Yes, because thinking like a woman would be what? Wrong? Weak? Less than a man?

How about no?

I’d love to say the ad wasn’t done with the intent to harm or offend. Perhaps it was just an innocent flub. But the ad comes from a part of the world known for its sexism and outdated thinking. Which tells me it was put forth with, at least ignorance, if not outright malice. If, like the narrator in the video says, this was one of those ads created to antagonize, then it was meant to offend. Either way, it proves the point I’m trying to make.

Which, if it’s not obvious, is that we, as a society need to stop being such asshats toward women.

After I posted about this on FB, someone pointed out that I need to remember that the post comes from an area of the world that doesn’t think of women as equals. In my mind, that’s just a copout.

That’s like when an older person says that gays are sick, we say, well, they’re old, set in their ways, ect. Like being from a different generation, one in which people didn’t know any better, makes it okay to be a dick.

It doesn’t. There’s way too much awareness and progress toward equality in the world today for that to be a legitimate excuse.

Or when a man makes a sexist comment, and people say, well, he’s a man. Aside from insinuating that all men are pigs, which is reverse-sexism,  and implying that men are too stupid to know better, (which, really??) it’s an easy way to sweep the problem under the rug.

Ignoring the elephant in the room doesn’t make it go away. It makes it grow. And if we ignore something like this long enough, it can, and often does, become the elephant so large we can no longer control it.

It doesn’t matter who creates ads like this, or why, or where they come from. If they’re openly sexist or degrading toward women, they serve to perpetuate the chauvinistic society that unfortunately still exists today. One that exists everywhere, if less so in some places than others.

Don’t blame Africa for this. Or men. Blame Bic. And blame society for stupidity that should have disappeared with the Dunking Stool. There is no excuse for treating women like they’re less than men. Ever.

We must all take responsibility for each other, and for the welfare of all. When we pass ignorance off as something a certain demographic does by rote, we deflect responsibility from ourselves and take a passive role instead of doing something about it. Which only perpetuates the problem.

In response to my post on FB, I also had someone imply that not only I, but my friends who quickly expressed their anger over the ad, was being over sensitive and the ad wasn’t a big deal.

Well, here’s the thing. Yes, it is just one ad. And yes, people have a right to their opinion. But if every time someone does something on social media that is openly offensive or ignorant toward others, we behave as if it’s no big deal, we send the message that such behavior is acceptable. We open the door for others to do something just as bad or worse, because we lead them to believe nothing will be done about it. Each time we allow an act of open degradation or attack, we allow outdated, misogynistic thinking to set us back. By taking a passive role, we, as women, send the message that equality isn’t important.

That WE are not important.

To those who think it’s just an ad, and I’m being oversensitive…tell me, at what point am I allowed to become annoyed? How far does it have to go before I can react without someone telling me to be silent, shut my mouth? If I can’t speak out now, then WHEN? Where will it end?

The implication that standing up for ourselves as a woman means we’re being noisy nags is exactly the reason the ad is a problem. “Act like a lady” says exactly that – don’t rock the boat. Accept your lot in life. And when I reacted to implications I was the problem by speaking out, the same person implied I was proving her point. Yes, HER. Point.

What point? That I was being a weak, over sensitive woman who should be put on a valium before I harm the perfect little bubble of harmony she lives in?

One final note. I’ve heard a lot of people saying that a woman would never say or do something like this ad. Women don’t think that way, and it must be a man who created it.

That’s not necessarily true. There are times I’ve seen women act as horrifically sexist as any man. I spent six years living with a woman who regularly implied that if a woman is assaulted while wearing a short skirt, it’s her fault. Or that when she ends up at a man’s house for sex, then tells him to stop, if he does it anyway it isn’t rape.

I’ve posted before about a fallout I had with a friend whose grandmother regularly made comments that implied women didn’t belong in certain work forces. She told me that if she was having a heart attack, and one of the ambulance attendants who came for her was a female, she would rather die than be carried out by a woman.

And for those who are dickish enough to need an explanation AGAIN, the above statement is offensive because it implies women, by the NATURE of their GENDER, are weaker, and therefore INCAPABLE of doing the same job as a man.

Durrr.

Trust me, women are just as capable of sexism toward other women as men. True, in most cases, sexist mindsets began in the minds of men. The thinking that puts women as second class started in a time when women had zero say over what happened around her. And since most companies who create ads are largely male oriented, more often than not, the power behind the message is primarily male. But sexism toward women is by no means, strictly a “male” problem.

It’s a “we” problem. It’s a human problem. It’s an epidemic that, not just men, and not just women, but humans—that we as a PEOPLE—need to fix.

And we need to start NOW.

So no, don’t wait until it gets worse. Don’t sit back and think, it’s no big deal, or someone else will deal with it. And please, please, don’t think you’re being silly or annoying for speaking out.

If someone is attacking, belittling or degrading you, DO something about it. You aren’t in the wrong for taking action, and you aren’t being weak.

You’re being a woman. You’re being a man.

You’re being HUMAN.

What about you? How do you feel about the ad? Do you find it offensive? Is there a point I should have made, but didn’t? Do you experience sexism like this? Tell us your stories.

If you have suggestions for future blog posts, please suggest them in the comments. I’d love to hear from you.

R.D.