Jacob Paul Patchen's Blog, page 3

Tits and Ass

Sooo, I’m a facebooker. I’ll openly and shamelessly admit that. I pay more attention to facebook than I do to my imaginary girlfriend (and let me tell ya, that doesn’t go over well at home). I think the thing that interests me the most about the facebook community (other than trying to flirt with people that facebook “thinks I might know”) is watching how ridiculous our society has become.

Here’s the thing, I’d like to know how many selfies you actually took before you edited and posted that...

Bumpy Roads

Bumpy roads will lead you home.

Well, in my case, anyway, it usually leads to me picking up all the loose change that ended up popping out of the center console from my inability to give a damn on back roads (for some reason, the freedom of those country roads make me wanna go fast, just like Ricky Bobby — alright, go ahead, I know you’re already thinking it, “if you’re not first, you’re last”). Matter of fact, in my part of Ohio, damn near every road is bumpy, long and hard; and in one way o...

Why Do I Do It?

I’m cruising down some back road, mid-July, with the windows down, the country music loud (probably too loud), watching the stars and the dust fly up in the red glow of the one good taillight of my old blazer; I’m 16 years old and just out driving around because I can. My Garth Brooks Double Live CD goes silent, and then those red hot fiddles of “Ain’t Going Down Til The Sun Comes Up” rev up and squeal powerful from the 2 still working speakers that I have left. The excitement sends chills do...

Finding Love in a Bar

There you are, in what you think is your lucky shirt, sitting at the bar laughing, drinking and having a good time with your buddies when all of a sudden, you look up and happen to notice some beautiful little thing standing off in the corner with some of her friends. Now, the loud one with the low top you’ve seen before, but not her, not this one. No, this attractive, awkwardly-out-of- place angel standing right over there swirling her still full glass of pink drink, you’ve never seen before...

A Veteran’s 4th of July

As the 4th of July is upon us, I can’t help but to think about where we would be if we did not have people like the ones I served with, to stand up for our beliefs and protect our Constitution and freedoms. I am truly forever grateful for those men and women, and will always remain in their debt. I think back to past 4th of July’s and, to be honest, they all sort of just blend together in a drunken weekend fest of good times and laughter… except for one; July 4th, 2005. It was spent with my b...

The Perfect Body

I once had a girl tell me that I had the “perfect body”…but not long after that, she passed out into a drunken stooper, drooled all over my pillow and snored for 9 hours straight. When she woke up, she threw up, and then slept/snored for 2 more long, long hours. As I laid there thinking about myperfect body, I realized that the source of this information may not be all that creditable. But later that day, I ran for 2 agonizing miles.

The perfect body… does that even exist?!?! What the hell is...

Speaking From A Burnt Tongue

Wisdom, in its infant stages, is nothing more than ignorance and courage.

Lately, I’ve spent a lot of time wondering where I fit in in this world. And, if that wasn’t such a damned cliché, then I would actually feel somewhat philosophical about the whole thing. But the truth is, who hasn’t wondered where they belong before? I mean, here I am, 29 years old, I’m in the 2nd or 3rd best shape of my life, I almost have a real Bowflex body, I’m single, looking for a “good” job and contemplating the...