M.L. Pennock's Blog, page 7

Today is a writing day

When you fall out of a cycle it’s a little devastating.

I haven’t written in four days and the stir-crazy feeling of having these fictional voices in my head but no energy to get them out is starting to settle in. The last two days I said, “Tonight. I’m going to write tonight.” But then I didn’t. It’s the mom thing – the bath time, bedtime, wash the dinner dishes routine – that got in the way. I have trouble focusing when there’s too much non-writing clutter in my space, so for the better part of the last week the words won’t come out because there’s stuff on the counter, there’s a load of towels on the table that needs to be folded, it’s a thousand degrees in here but there are blankets strewn about the living room and I can see them, which makes them my nemesis.

My office is no better. Having willingly made my home in the basement, which is apt considering most writers deem their space the “writing cave” or, if you’re me, you call it “the dungeon,” I also have to share my space with things like my husband’s computer game collection, computer collection (… yes, you read that right), the dehumidifier that turns out and scares the ever loving crap out of me, and toys that were taken away from children who refused to pick them up. And now I’m sharing that space with the pieces and parts of a gigantic swingset we’re in the midst of putting together. My office smells like cedar, there’s a slide I’m not allowed to use, a rock wall I’m apparently too big to climb and some tube thingie that, last I checked, was filled with all those toys Mean Mommy had taken away eight months ago.

There’s nowhere to focus.

But today … it’s a dreary, rainy day and it’s perfect for writing. Today the words will be mine and they’ll join the 15,000 others in the manuscript for the next book because if I don’t snap out of it this book will never get written. I might have to skip bedtime tonight. I might have to leave the dishes in the sink and the towels in the basket.

I might be forced to take time for myself. *gasp*

Balancing acts

There are a lot of days lately that I feel like I can either be “Miranda, the author” or “Miranda, the mom” … I’m having a lot of trouble balancing both. Technically all three because thrown in with mom duties are also maid/cook/transporter duties, plus that whole being a wife thing.

Now that To Have has released, I’m trying to figure out the gifty things – swag – that won’t bankrupt me while promoting the book as much I can and also taking time to write the second book. I haven’t touched my file for the next book in three days. It took me, broken up, about 10 hours yesterday to relearn aspects of Photoshop just to create one bookmark.

I keep trying to be the author when my kids need the mom. I work in starts and fits because that’s all the time I get lately and that’s usually interjected with fights and arguments between the girls or me and one of them (no, you can’t have marshmallows and freeze pops for breakfast … cue meltdown and unproductive day). If it’s not a fight about food, it’s the television; if not the TV, over a toy or getting in the car or I breathed too loudly in the wrong direction.

My stress translates into their stress, and I have a lot of stress – not just book related – but sadly the ways I decompress are to hide away and write or go to the gym. The last time I went to the gym was to update my credit card info two weeks ago and before that it was April. Maybe?

Last week I worked on the new WIP four out of seven days. Not bad when you consider last year while I was working on To Have there were times I would only work four days out of an entire month. But, those four days could sometimes produce 10,000 words depending on if it was a weekend or the kids were off with my parent for a couple of days. Regardless, I want to be in the pattern of writing every day and when I have to be mom first and author second, it makes it difficult to get downstairs to my office even for an hour a night.

I overcame that struggle once before, in the early days of Brian and Stella’s story, by using Evernote to sketch out chapters, or even just a few lines of dialogue while sitting with one child or the other as they were trying to drift off to sleep. It works, but it’s not the same as sitting at my computer and letting it flow. There’s a lag in trying to type on a phone and then I deal with major auto correct fails if I try to get a lot out of my head at once.

The balancing act is a constant struggle, though. As soon as I think the girls are settled for a while and I can get some work done during the day, they change the game plan on me. I’ve been writing this post for an hour … I’ve had to figure out what buttons my 3-year-old pressed on the Roku remote and get her movie started again, scold my 4-year-old for kicking a ball in the house, argue over eating yogurt (because I didn’t put enough in the bowl the first time and that was wrong … so, so wrong of me), and have general interruptions.

Now I have to speed through a shower, force the girls into clothes they will probably tell me they never want to wear again, and get to the dentist office for Charlotte’s appointment. She’s been up since shortly before 6 a.m. so this should be enjoyable.

Apparently, today, I’m Miranda, the mom. I wonder if my cape is dry?

It’s not pretty when I beg

I’m trying to write daily.

Now that Stella and Brian are out there in the world being read and loved (right? you guys do love them? I hope I didn’t make that up), it’s time to work hardcore on Steph’s story. As I was writing Brian and Stella, I posted unedited snippets online and after a while will likely do the same with Steph’s book. I’m trying to get into their heads and it’s proving difficult to switch gears. It’s not impossible … it just takes more than sitting in front of the computer and writing. There’s a lot of browsing Pinterest and looking at pictures of the people who are inspiration for the new characters, the new voices.

Basically I’m saying I get sucked into the Internet and it refuses to let me go, which eats the time I could use to write. However, that gives me time for posting about To Have … if only I didn’t suck at promoting things that benefit me.

I’m bad at self-promotion.

So, so bad at it.

To put it bluntly, I have trouble even asking my parents for toll money when I go home for a weekend and forget cash still exists for some things.

Doing the author thing and trying to get my name out there (which really wasn’t a huge concern for me when I was writing To Have) is the social media equivalent to asking my parents to fund a vacation to a tropical island for me and five of my friends. It’s terrifying. I don’t know the first thing about author takeovers or ordering swag or doing giveaways. I had a near panic attack emailing blogs about reviewing the book because I was afraid I’d leave something out or, worse, offend them somehow. Seriously, I was having trouble posting about having an author Facebook page in groups I’m in because I’m afraid to get booted.

I don’t want to beg people to like me/my page/my blog/follow me on Twitter/send me their first born (please don’t), but sometimes that’s what it feels like I’m doing. That’s what self-promotion is. Believe it or not, I feel totally comfortable posting about my writing and the book and where to purchase on my own pages. That only goes so far, though. I’m doing this on my own and thankfully I have some really amazing friends who share my page, post to the page, participate when I post things. Right now I’m trying to get things together for a giveaway – kind of a “hooray the book is real and I can touch it” gifting and because I reached 200 likes on my Facebook page.

One problem: I’m lacking likes.

Bigger problem? I keep trying to share the page and share the buy links on pages other than mine … but I usually chicken out because of aforementioned fear. I actually found my ovaries this morning and posted in an indie author group and on a blog page doing Saturday Shout Out. Who knows if that will help. It’s worth a shot, though, right?

I need to start taking the advice I give to my daughters – You won’t know if you can do it unless you try.

Time to put my game face on.

How many more cliches can I fit into one post?

Hey look, my coffee cup is empty. Have a great Saturday everyone!

It’s totally worth it

There’s so much stress and anxiety in my life right now – not just book related, but family and dance recital and getting one child ready to enter kindergarten and the other ready for pre-K – so sleeping happens but rest really isn’t a thing. My brain doesn’t shut down so I can refresh.

Last night when I finally crawled into bed close to 1 a.m. it was only because our 3-year-old woke up and wouldn’t go back to sleep unless it was with me in my bed and I was snuggling her. It’s a great feeling as a mom to be needed like that, but it happened right in the midst of watching for To Have to go live, refreshing the publishing screen in NOOK Press and cursing B&N for not having a pre-order option … and I was brainstorming chapters for the next book. Needless to say, I begrudgingly crawled into bed, snuggled up with one kid. The other one crawled in on the other side of me shortly thereafter and somehow eventually I fell asleep. Kind of.

It was the kind of sleep where you wonder why you slept at all because you just wake up exhausted. Last night, or technically this morning, my brain decided that I needed to have an epic meltdown in a dream because someone reviewed To Have and referred to it as a “sweet little romantic comedy.”

Huh?

For those of you who have already read it or are working through it, it might be sweet and romantic but I think most would agree with me that it wouldn’t classify as a comedy. Actually, there are a lot of parts that lack banter and wit, so this dream had me floored. When I woke up I grabbed my phone – because it’s 2015 and I don’t own an alarm clock anymore – and scrolled through my emails thankful the reviewer who did email me in the middle of the night didn’t use the word “comedy.”

Instead it was full of positives and love for my characters. Throughout the day friends have posted screenshots of the book on their ereaders, they’ve texted me telling me they’re reading on their lunch break and want to take the rest of the day off to curl up with my Brian and Stella. They’re gifting copies and asking about purchasing a physical copy.

It’s overwhelming and despite the fact I had every intention of hiding from the internet today, I can’t look away because anyone and everyone who has taken time out of their day to comment or like a status with my book cover in it or send me a message congratulating me on making it to today in one piece … you’re all the reason it’s worth it. All the work and the stress, the tears, the fear, the elation, the heart-exploding-in-my-chest feeling. It’s your fault.

Thank you for supporting this project and me. Thank you for caring enough to tell your friends about a book by an unknown author.

I feel like I did my job.

Now, it’s time to promote the hell out of it and dig deep into Stephanie and Max’s tale, because I would hate to make you all wait 15 months for the next book.

* If you haven’t purchased To Have yet and would like to get the ebook at the $0.99 promotional price, it’s available through Amazon and Barnes&Noble.

Nerves and sex and naughty words

In two days a handful of people are going to read something I wrote and it’s starting to sink in that this is real and this is what I’m doing with my life. In less than 48 hours people will have paid for and be able to read the first true creative piece I’ve willingly written with the intention of letting others see it.

It’s nerve wracking.

I mean, there’s sex in there. I wrote a book that has the word “cock” in it and it’s not in reference to a male chicken … and my mom’s best friend and my aunt have already preordered.

And I know for a fact the word “fuck” is in there at least five times. Probably more. I took some of the fucks out. Not all of them. It simply wouldn’t be something I wrote if the F-word didn’t have a cameo. We’ve had a longstanding affair, me and the F-word. But I’m sure someone somewhere, probably related to me somehow, is going to get to the first chapter and be like, “Oh my. I can’t read this,” because of the sex and the swearing and that’s okay. My writing won’t be for everyone. In fact, I hope it’s not for everyone.

There are things about my first book that I know will be considered cliche or something that’s been done before — seriously, it’s romance and romance has been done time and again for decades. Lots of decades. Eventually some are going to remind us of others — and I absolutely expect that. I’m not Stephen King. I never will be.

What I will be, though, is happy if even one person reads this book and feels something. If one single person sends me a message after reading To Have and says they related to the characters on some level, it will make this worth it. Really, when I sit down at my computer and work, I’m digging deep into a well of emotions that sometimes can only be released through writing. It’s cathartic. Even the sex scenes. Then I dive into that well and splash around in it until all those little droplets of hate and love and fear fall down like rain. I hope at least one person feels all of that when they read not just my book, but any book. Every book. If you can’t feel the emotion, the author didn’t do their job.

Since putting up my preorder on Amazon and finalizing my paperback, I’ve been hoping every day that I did my job. That I did it well and someone will feel all the energy that went into each word, each chapter, each character.

I want to do this job well.

Now, since it’s finally finalized and ready to roll, I want to share with you the biggest, most stressful part of this entire process – the full cover for the paperback designed by a friend of mine who is not only an amazing person inside and out, but someone who was willing to try something new to help me out. I think for a first book cover (mine and hers), she did an amazing job and I couldn’t be happier with the final outcome. See for yourself:

Ready, set … publish

It’s six days before the release of my first book.

I’m sure the feeling would be surreal … if I didn’t have a million other things going on right this second – kindergarten screening for our almost 5-year-old, pre-k graduation for her, pre-k registration for our 3-year-old, dance recital, trying to sell a house (which comes with its own set of complications), trying to finish getting the garden planted. And this is the short list.

You get the idea.

When I’m not worrying about all of those things and more, I’m hunched over my computer clutching a lukewarm cup of coffee that should have stopped being reheated two times ago wondering what I could have done differently with the book a handful of people have read. I’m worrying if something I wrote in it is going to offend someone. If I’m going to get in trouble because I use the name of a real place and put people in those places and in situations that aren’t favorable. I’m just crazy enough to be worrying about the mental health of one of my characters because I left her kind of in limbo (but that’s a resolution for the second book).

I wonder if other writers give themselves anxiety over the pretend people in their lives. I imagine they do, because there’s something about creating a character that, despite their fictional status, makes them real.

When I was in the early writing stages for “To Have,” there was a disconnect. I was writing but I wasn’t feeling. I was coming up with ideas, and excited about them, but the human aspect was missing. Until I let myself meet my characters and get to know them. Regardless of all the years I’ve been writing, this was a feeling I hadn’t experienced before. Brian and Stella became part of my life and I had the sudden need to introduce them to everyone … but at the same time I didn’t want to share them.

I was afraid other people wouldn’t love them as much as I do. I took a huge chance when I said the book was finished and printed copies of the document for the four women who beta read for me. This book had become so near and dear to me that I was terrified they wouldn’t even like it and rather call me delusional, which, you know, would make sense considering I was having dreams about these characters and thinking about Brian more than I was thinking about my husband at a thousand different points one point.

Instead, one of my beta readers told me that she found herself talking to her husband about Brian and Stella and the whole gang like they were real people. She was delusional too! Thank the sweet baby Jesus in the manger, I’m not the only one. Even better was that she said this isn’t the genre she would typically read but was pulled into the story. This is the kind of beta reader everyone needs – someone who doesn’t read your genre. She made me feel like, perhaps, and I might be a little crazy saying this, but maybe this book isn’t a cheesy romance novel. Maybe.

I was accused to making another beta reader send her friends back – because I needed the proof copy to make corrections – and I literally laughed out loud knowing she loved these people as much as I do.

A third reader asked me if it was my goal in life to make her cry. You betcha it is. I write with emotion whether it’s for my personal blog, a news story, or for entertainment.

And then there’s the last reader, who actually was the first person to read any of “To Have.” She was reading it when it was ideas written in loosely formed chapters and Brian’s coffeehouse didn’t have a name. She was helping me visualize parts I was having trouble with and playing Devil’s Advocate when my characters wouldn’t talk to me. I suggest anyone trying to write a book or a short story or a haiku to find one of these friends to buddy write with. And hold onto them like they are a lifeline because they are more precious than the last bottle of wine on your wine rack.

Those wonderful women gave me the ability to move on to the next stage, make corrections, rework some things, and actually consider the fact I could publish this bad boy. And it’s happening. And now that I’ve taken the time to sit and think about what all that means while also pulling a small child out of the refrigerator three times and off the counter once and threatened with Time Out and almost cried because “please just be quiet and stop being naughty so I can finish this!” … it’s surreal.

I have a book releasing in six days.