Peter David's Blog, page 85

Spoiler thread “Young Justice: Bloodlines”

So it doesn’t get mixed in with the earlier thread, here is a thread specifically designed to discuss today’s episode of “Young Justice” by yours truly.

I would ask that no one post until 11 AM Pacific (2 PM Eastern) in order to allow for West Coast airing.

PAD

It HAD to be on cartoon night

Every Friday, without exception, is Cartoon Night at the David household. It began a couple years ago when Cartoon Network had THE premiere line-up of cartoons on Fridays. They had programs like “Ben 10″ and “Symbiotic Titan” and “Young Justice” and lots of other cool programs. Over time they’ve either dumped them or relocated them to Saturday morning (although the frequently unwatchable “Clone Wars” remains), but the tradition has remained since Disney still gives us shows like “Phineas and Ferb.” And we fill in the rest of the night either with animation we recorded from earlier in the week, and the occasional offering from our DVD collection.

So last night, unaware that Johan Santana was making history, we were blissfully watching stuff off the DVR, followed by a DVD of “Waking Sleeping Beauty” about the resurgence of Disney animation.

To make up for it, I watched the “Mets Fastforward” recap show this morning and intend to watch the full rebroadcast today at noon. I’m bummed that I didn’t see it live; on the other hand, I’m superstitious enough to think that if I had, then the ump would have grown a set of eyes and that liner down the third base line would have been called fair. Personally, I’m not surprised. What ump wants to get the Jim Joyce treatment if he blows a call that goes against the pitcher in that kind of situation? If the replay shows it was a fair ball, well, the Cards had plenty of opportunities to score (including the five walks). If the replay shows it was a foul ball but he called it fair, he has to deal with angry NYC fans, which can’t be fun. So I figure if he has a shred of doubt, he’ll side with the pitcher, like a tie going to the runner. Besides, the Cards lost by eight runs, so it made no difference; I can’t begin to count the number of incredibly close games the Mets have lost because of blown calls.

So kudos to Santana for the game and the Mets fielders who made some spectacular plays.

Now if only I’d seen it.

PAD

Amalgam contest results, part 3

Originally published May 23, 1997, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1227

Finishing up the Amalgam/Vs. Contest, here’s the last of the most intriguing entries. It’s been a lot of fun. And these are by no means all of them. I’m listing the ones that are, quite simply, my personal favorites. Sure, it’s arbitrary. To paraphrase the parents of everyone in the world, As long as you’re living in my column, you’ll live under my rules. Italicized comments are mine.

For that matter, I’m curious: Are there other contests that people would like to see? The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction is always running contests that were created by reader suggestion; if it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for us. What sort of contests would you like to see? Lemme know.

In the meantime…

From Donald G., Springfield, VA:

 1) Fem-Force Works

 2) Lady Justice League

 3) G.I. Joe Palooka

 4) Casper the Friendly Ghost Rider           

 5) Diana Prince Valiant

 6) Mother Goose & Grim Jack

 7) Judge Dreadstar 

 8 ) Lone Ranger Rick

 9) Curious George of the Jungle

10) Teenage Mutant NINJAK Turltles

 11) Solar, Plastic Man of the Atom

 12) Shi-Hulk

 13) The Scarlet Witchblade

 14) Shadow Hawkeye

 15) Hi & Lois Lane

 

From: Kristine K., Aurora, CO

1) Zen Intergalactic Ninja High School

2) Quest for Spawn

3) Bullwinkle and Boris Bear vs. Rocky and Mr. Peabody

 

From: Dennis Y., Pleasant Hill CA

Battles:

1) The Atom vs. Atom Ant

2) Kamandi vs. Dinoboy

3) Swamp Thing vs. Pogo

4) Lobo vs. Calvin & Hobbes

Amalgams:

1) Mickey the Sorcerer Supreme Apprentice

2) Jonny Question

 

From: Brian S., State College, PA

Multiple Character Amalgams

1) Captain Atom Ant Man: (Captain Atom, Atom Ant & Ant Man)

2) Mr. Plastic Fantastic Man (Mr. Fantastic, & Plastic Man)

3) The All Winnie Squad

(Brian doesn’t mention who would constitute the members of the All Winnie Squad, but it’s certainly food for thought. Winnie Winkle, obviously. Winnie-the-Pooh. Need at least two more Winnies, I think, to make a squad. Or, if you want to go in a different direction, you could have it be Comet the Super Horse, Black Beauty, My Friend Flicka, and Mr. Ed. And their opponents could be the Neigh-Sayers.)

 

From: Tim S., Frankfort, IN

1) My Three Sons of Satan

 

From: Alan I., Pittsburgh, PA

1) All superheroes, from every superhero universe everywhere vs. Groo

They kind of did this: They let Sergio loose on both the Marvel and DC Universes, with painful results for both universes.

2) Grimjack vs. Sandman: Grim and Gritty

Bonus points for the single worst pun in the contest.

3) Donald Duck vs. Daffy duck vs. Miz Goose, amalgamed into Duck, Duck, Goose

And that’s a close second.

4) Mighty Mouse vs. The Power Rangers vs. Phantom Stranger, amalgamed as Mighty Mousin’ Power Strangers

And that’s a definite third.

Plus: A Multi part crossover between the Star Trek and Dilbert universe. We’d amalgam: an Enterprise that actually functions like a real world organization, instead of existing in Earth-Star Trek where everyone is extremely competent and capable and gets along with all their colleagues all the time. The battles would include:

Geordi La Forge vs. Dilbert

Deanna Troi vs. Catbert

Commander Riker vs. Dogbert

Data vs. Wally

Captain Picard vs. The Pointy-Headed Boss

(Most of the above would be intriguing match-ups–particularly Picard and the Pointy-Headed Boss–but I think I speak for everyone in saying that Dogbert would wipe up the floor with Riker.)

 

From: Wayne W., Richmond VA

I gotta say, I’d pay serious money to read the following:

1) Batman vs. Crying Freeman

2) Captain America vs. The Desert Peach

 

From: Arlen B., Duluth, MN

1) Star Trek’s Q vs. James Bond’s Q

2) Underdog vs Krypto

3) Gigantor vs. Frankenstein Jr.

Amalgamizing :

1) NYPD Blue Beetleborgs

Featuring nudity and adult language, no doubt.

2) 3rd Rock from the Sunboy

 

From: Lee H., Houston, TX

1) Moby Dick Tracy

2) Sherlock Holmes Alone

 

And now, special awards.

To: Sean D., West Chester, PA

The “Waaaay Too Much Time on His Hands Award” for the following, submitted with “Profuse apologies” (not profuse enough)–

So anyway, Johnny the Homicidal Animaniac sets out on a Poison Elfquest which leads him to an island of all women where he is struck down by Stray Bullets in Paradise. The females doing the shooting are Josie and the W.I.L.D. Cats (Women in Lotsa Distress), who are actually aiming at their arch rival Sabrina the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Aiding this latter entity is none other than Vamperonica, who has recently had her butler suck the blood from a certain redhead’s body…

A passing bird, having nothing better to do, carries the redhead’s soul back to A&M Records where she signs a deal under the name Cheryl Cow Blossom.

Meanwhile, back in the seventies, Valkyrie and her Lady Liberators are busy defeating Bobby Riggs in straight sets.

Professor X forsakes the live sports telecast to take a call from an irate Mr. Wilson, who is complaining that the kid next door must be “some kind of mutant.” As this is the case, Charles sets about converting the Mitchell boy into Dennis the X-Menace, with is a tad easier than his Captain Scarlet Witchblade of the Immortal Doctor Fate conversion. Dennis’s first act does nothing to improve mutant PR when he beats the stuffing out of the guy in the UPN time slot next to Voyager.

I’m thinking of calling this “All Abscess.” Or maybe I should just simplify the plot and do Elric as Foghorn Leghorn…..

I think the movie soundtrack should include “Stairway to Free Bird” by Dread Zeppelin.

 

To: Kevin K., Louisville, KY

The “How Do we Do It? Volume.” award for an entry featuring over 130 amalgams combining comics with movies, books and TV shows. These include:

1) Booster Gold Finger (Goldfinger and Booster Gold)

2) Reservoir Dogs of War (Reservoir Dogs and Dogs of War)

3) Deadman Walking (Dead Man Walking and Deadman)

4) Throw Mephisto From the Train (Throw Momma from the Train and Mephisto)

I don’t know why I like that one. It makes no sense at all. But I do.

5) Shi-Devil (She Devil and Shi)

6) Rahne Man (Rain Man and Rahne (Wolfsbane))

7) A Very Brainy Sequel (A Very Brady Sequel and Brainiac)

8 ) Slaine’s World (Wayne’s World and Slaine the Berserker)

9) Swingblade: Vampire Hunter (Swing Blade and Blade: Vampire Hunter)

Billy Bob Thornton IS… Blade. The comedic possibilities of the monologue alone are priceless

10) Old Aqua Man and the Sea (Old Man and the Sea and Aquaman)

11) Super Whipping Boy (Whipping Boy and Superboy)

12) MacDeath (Macbeth and Death)

13) Grace Under Fire Hair (Grace Under Fire and Firehair)

There’s something vaguely sexual about that which I can’t quite pinpoint…

14) Beavis and Bru-Hed (Beavis and Butthead and Bru-Hed)

15) My Favorite Martian Attacks (My Favorite Martion and Mars Attacks)

16) My So-Called Life with Archie (My So-Called Life and Life with Archie)

17) Dr. Quinn: Wonder Woman (Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman and Wonder Woman)

18) Captain America’s Most Wanted (America’s Most Wanted and Captain America)

I thought we already knew Cap’s Most Wanted: Mark Waid and Ron Garney

 

And that’s it. Thanks to everyone for playing.

Next week: We discuss how Captain America comics have proven that wrong is right and right is wrong.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

Don’t say I didn’t warn you

This Saturday my next episode of “Young Justice,” “Bloodlines,” airs on Cartoon Network.

PAD

Amalgam contest results, part 2

Originally published May 16, 1997, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1226

Just to be utterly different, I’ve decided that–even though I’ll be running the concluding installment of our little Who fights Who/Amalgam contest next week–I’m going to run the winning entry this week. Why? Because it showed a staggering amount of initiative. Because the entrant created not only a statue, but the beginnings of an entire story to accompany it, and because–most important of all–the entrant didn’t put his name and address on the story. And the problem is that, when the entry gets separated from the cover letter… like now, for instance… it means we can’t give proper freakin’ credit. So we eagerly look forward to hearing from the creator of…

DOC SAVAGE DRAGON

…and who also was gung-ho enough to write the attached the opening chapters of his own vision of a megacrossover (and fella, when you write in to identify yourself, be sure to tell us what was written in marker on the binder , so we know it’s you.)

Herewith the opening chapters of a crossover by… some guy.

Man of Steel

 A visit from a couple of strangers leads The Man of Bronze into one of his most perplexing adventures. Is this stranger only a curious reporter, or is he a strange visitor who represents the shape of things to come?

 

Chapter 1

“The Tourists”

 New York. The easiest way to spot tourists visiting the world’s busiest city is to watch for the people standing on the street corners looking straight up and gawking. When the tallest thing you’ve seen in your life is a grain elevator, a skyscraper is a modern miracle. Even now, more than 20 years following the Great War, something as simple as a tower of granite and steel was a source of amazement. The two out-of-towners that hurried down the busy street were not of the usual variety. Reporters don’t think of themselves as anything other than reporters.

“Clark, slow down. Where’s the fire, besides in your eyes?”

This remark either didn’t register or was overlooked by her male companion. The companion was a tall, brick house of a man, dressed in a dark blue suite that looked to have walked out of a suit advertisement. His companion was a modern model of female pulchritude.

“Lois,” the man eventually replied, “if we don’t track this Savage character down today, Mr. White will have our necks. And make us pay back the cost of the train tickets, to boot.”

“Oh Clark, don’t tell me you believe those stories and all that ‘Man of Bronze’ malarkey. Honestly, your hayseeds are showing.” Lois Lane was struck by Clark’s serious tone since they had taken this assignment. She had met him only recently since he began working on the Daily Planet. But since this assignment had called for an interview with Doc Savage, the living legend of pulp headlines and tabloid fodder, Clark had insisted on talking with the adventurer. His determination at this puzzled her. Lois hated puzzles.

The meeting was set for noon. The fact that they were getting an actual interview was a miracle in itself. The bronze knight was an enigma. Most news stories carried the same information that had been repeated time and again. New information on the famous Doc Savage was as scarce as honest politicians.

The tallest of the skyscrapers was the bronze man’s headquarters. High above the teeming streets below, in the offices on the 86th floor, Lois Lane and Clark Kent arrived in a reception room. There they were greeted by one of the bronze man’s assistants. Lieutenant Colonel Andrew Blodgett Mayfair was a man of many talents. Industrial chemist, adventurer, and missing-link possibility were among his claims of fame. Charm was one of his foremost.

His eyes were immediately caught by Lois Lane’s charms, of which there were many. If she was with someone else, Monk hadn’t noticed. “Monk Mayfair at your service, and any service I can provide I will provide with a smile.”

“Why, thank you, Mr. Mayfair,” said Lois, playing along with Monk’s approach. No matter where they are, men are men. No matter what they look like, they all think they have the appeal of Clark Gable and John D. Rockefeller.

“Say, ain’t you in pictures? I’m sure someone as beautiful as you would knock them dead on Broadway.”

“Why no, Mr. Mayfair, I’m Lois Lane, and this is Clark Kent,” Lois replied. “We’re reporters from Metropolis. We’re here for an interview with Mr. Savage. But I’m sure I’ve seen  you in the movies.”

“When was this?” Monk asked, his chest puffing up in pride. “In a newsreel of important chemical breakthroughs or my great adventures?”

“I’m not sure,” Lois replied, “but I think that airplanes were trying to shoot you down.”

Getting the air was nothing new for Monk. “I’ll check with Doc and make sure everything’s jake. Have a seat.” Monk slunk out of the room.

 

Chapter 2

“Take My Life, Please–”

Clark Savage entered the room. The room grew remarkably smaller. Such was the presence of the bronze Goliath. It is commonly believed that women mature much sooner than men. It is a fact that Lois Lane matured much sooner than most women. So the fact that Lois suddenly felt like a teenager in the bronze man’s presence was to later embarrass her. However, this was now. Kent, on the other hand, was altogether different. He was like an unruly juvenile being met by the school principal.

“Mr. Savage, I’m Kent from the Daily Planet.” Kent had risen and held out his hand to the bronze man.

“Clark, please,” replied Doc Savage.

“Clark, please what?” replied the nervous Kent. Before he realized what he had said, it was too late.

They looked at each other and smiled. Lois was still oblivious.

At the large, inlaid table in the library, Kent began his questions. The questions began simply enough, but the bronze man began to sense a drive in the questions as Kent went on. “So why are you driven to act as the world’s guardian, Mr. Savage?”

“Well,” the bronze man replied, “I really didn’t have much choice. It’s as if I was born into a world where the normal man is either unaccustomed or unprepared to deal with such major threats that are out there. Most times, there are things that I cannot believe but can nonetheless handle. What the world needs is a true Superman.”

Pondering this, Kent followed up with his next question. “But you’re Doc Savage. You can handle anything. You don’t assume any other personality, right?”

“No, I am who I am. A secret identity would be more of a hindrance that a help.” Clark Kent thought this over as he took his notes. He wondered, how hard could it really be, after all?

Doc Savage watched Kent as the reporter asked his questions and wrote his notes. Savage sensed another motive but couldn’t pinpoint it.

“So, we know who Doc Savage is. We know where he lives and that the entire world is his battlefield. But where do you go when you need some time to unwind?”

“I have a place,” the bronze man replied, “a place of solitude, actually more of a fortress, you might say.”

Kent thought this over. A fortress of solitude. Wow, what a concept.

One thing that Clark Savage wasn’t taught by the army of professors and the tribes of bushmen and medicine men was the science of instinct. This was self-taught and never wrong in such matters. The room was suddenly filled with a low trilling sound. It rang in Kent’s ears. It was the first time he had heard such a sound, and although he could easily trace the source, he said nothing.

For Savage, the veils had been lifted and he suddenly knew the reasons behind young Mr. Kent’s questions. He felt that he owed Kent the following speech. The man of bronze, his voice firm, filling the massive room, began to speak to Kent.

“Each of us has a destiny to fulfill. We like to thank that we ourselves have little choice in the path that we travel. That there are conditions that are out of our control that make us what we are. Unfortunately, we have all the choice and all the responsibility of our actions and lives. In my case, I was born into a life that was to be dedicated to battling crime in all its manifestations. It is truly a neverending battle. I was given the training, the skills, and have shown the aptitude. Above all this, however, was my willingness to accept this life. In taking on such a life, every gain is a loss. To put yourself in the line of fire means no entanglements. No family, no friends, no close ties of any consequence. They all become targets. They are merely steps to get you.”

Kent thought of his attraction to Lois. Would that be denied him once his own quest began? Savage continued, “My five associates are trained for this life. Other friends have been murdered. My father was murdered. I cannot seek revenge. This is not part of my code. My code is set and I cannot change it. I have not taken another life.

“I know of a fellow crimefighter here in the city. He is not as open as I am. He works in the shadows and feels no compunction for the taking of human life. I don’t condone but I’m in no position to stop him. That is his code. Revenge is not the basis of my operations. I work for the common good. It is not a life to be rushed into. You must consider all the options, good as well as bad. Once you begin to travel down this road, there is no turning back. Don’t you believe all that stuff in those dime novels. If they had their way, they’d have me leaping off tall buildings.”

Kent smiled.

 

Poo poo poo

See, I want to write all this effusive stuff about Kathleen because it’s our wedding anniversary today. We’ve been together eleven years and I want to write about how much she means to me and how I wouldn’t be able to get through days without her, and how my life only makes sense when I’m with her.

But I’m having real trouble doing so and for a while I wasn’t sure why. I mean, normally writing about stuff isn’t difficult for me at all. It’s kind of, y’know…my thing. But I found myself stymied, and especially after reading her lengthy testament to me over on her own blog. Why would I have trouble with writer’s block over something like this?

After giving it some thought, I think I’ve determined why.

I think it’s because I’m Jewish.

See, here’s the thing: as one would expect from a people whose biggest holiday involves spending three hours in synagogue apologizing for sins while not eating, and whose country has been under siege pretty much non-stop from the day they hung up the “Open For Business” sign, we have a knee-jerk tendency to (as Mel Brooks notably wrote) hope for the best but expect the worst. This is so ingrained that if someone shows off their newborn infant, and you say “What a beautiful baby” within earshot of your great grandmother, she will immediately say “Poo poo poo.” Complimenting a baby, according to tradition, risks attracting the attention of the Evil Eye,which abominates beautiful children and will do horrible things, up to and including taking the child in its sleep. So either you say, “What an ugly baby” to make sure the Evil Eye doesn’t notice, or else–if someone should thoughtlessly say something flattering, say “poo poo poo” to ward off the Evil Eye. (Hence the lasting popularity of A.A. Milne’s work in Jewish families.)

So I now realize the reason I internally flinch at the prospect of talking about how happy I am, and how wonderful and patient and loving and caring and giving Kathleen is. How wonderful she has been not only as a constant, dependable and steady maternal presence for my three older girls, but also how much joy I feel for the beautiful (poo poo poo) youngest daughter she gave me nine years ago. Because if I talk about all that, I can’t shake the fear that the Evil Eye will be reading this blog and say, “Challenge accepted!”

So instead I will simply confine myself to saying that I love her and can’t imagine life without her.

Poo poo poo.

PAD

Amalgam contest results, part 1

Originally published May 9, 1997, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1225

Well, it’s time to announce the results of the little contest we had at “But I Digress,” namely the Super-bizarre fight and amalgam universe contest.

For those who came in late (as they always say in The Phantom), we decided to sponsor a little competition in which people could put forward the sort of match-ups that weren’t especially suited to the famed “Marvel vs. DC.” In addition, you were all invited to submit concepts for particularly odd Amalgams.

I learned, after the fact, that Tony Isabella had done something similar some months ago in his column. Whoops. Now, of course, I could have just scuttled the idea, but we got so many nifty entries that I felt it’d be a waste of effort on the part of all concerned if we did that.

So here’s a cross-section of some of the entries we received. Comments in italics are mine.

 

From: Krista M., Hyde Park NY:

Hans and J’onzz

 

From:   Michael R., Vancouver, WA

1) Turok – Son of Flintstone vs. Tom and Jerry Lewis     

2) Zane Greystoke vs. Tarzandar

3) Colt 45 Where are you? in The land of the Dell Giants

4)Tin Tin & Rin Tin Tin vs.  Huckleberry Hound of the Baskervilles

5) Terry and the Pirates of Darkwater vs. Raggedy Ann and Andy Panda

6) George of the Jungle and Jim vs. Leave it to Binky Beaver

7) Mighty Mickey Mouse vs. Krazy Felix the Kat

8 ) Brer Oswald the Rabbit vs. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. Scrooge

 

From: Jeffrey P., St Charles, MO

Magnus Robot Fighter vs. The Robot from Lost in Space

 

From: Jack G., Bellevue, NE

1) Cry for Dondi vs. Queen of the West: Dale Avengelyne

2) Our Barney at War vs. The Captain and the Kids

 

From: Robertson, Des Moines, IA

1) Blue Beetle Bailey

2) Captain Atom Ant

3) Sgt. Rockey and Bullwinkle

4) News Boy Legion of Superheroes

5) Kid Flash Gordon

6) Incredible Hulk Hogan’s Heroes

 

From: Nelson J., Stamford, CT

Battles:           

1) Sabrina vs. Witchblade

2) Concrete vs. Herculoids

3) Space Ghost vs. Ghostly Trio

4) E – Man vs. Mr. A

Bizarre Combos:

1) Sgt. Rocketeer

2) Plastic Mandrake

3) Gigan Thor

Real Weird:

1) Deepspace 9 ½ Weeks

2) Lobo Derek

3) ELVISION (Robot that walks like a  king)

 

From: Thomas H., Tarzana, CA

1) Cosmo Kramer the merry Martian

2) Terry and the Pirates of the Caribbean

And, one of my personal favorites:

3) Betty and Verotika

 

From: Robert L., Norwich, CT

Aliens vs. X-Men

Actually, I think Marvel did that about ten years or so ago, except the aliens were called “The Brood” at the time. Still… one wonders why Marvel and Dark Horse doesn’t produce an official crossover. It’d be like printing money.

 

From: D. Ginsberg, Oak Park, IL

1) Vizarch Comics present Archie ½

2) Harvey Pekar fights censorship in My Tropic of Cancer Year

3) Jimmy Buffet takes on 2 tough girls in the 90′s in : Strange Cheeseburgers in Paradise

4) Powerful super heroes fighting cat shaped Nazi’s in WWII in Miracle Maus.

 

Brian M., Tampa, FL

1) The Flash vs. Speedy Gonzalez

2) Ghost riders vs. Casper & Nightmare

3) Mighty Mouse vs. Streaky the Supercat

4) The Demon vs. Hot Stuff

5) Archie & Jughead vs. Beavis & Butthead

(The Archie/Jughead/Beavis/Butthead one actually gives me chills.)

6) Swamp Thing vs. Pogo

7) Hawkman vs. Woody Woodpecker

8 ) Brother Power, The Geek vs. Raggedy Ann

9) Little Lotta vs. Jabba the Hutt (a battle more in the nature of a pie-eating contest)

Amalgamated Characters:

1) The Black Pink Panther vs. The Silver Smurfer

2) Blonde Phantom Stranger vs. Phantom Lady and the Tramp

3) Mr. Weatherbeetle Bailey vs. Miss Solomon Grundy

4) Fantastic Forever People vs. Dr. Doom Patrol

5) Ren & the Stimpsons vs. Josie and the Snagglepussycats

6) Howard the Daffy Duck vs. Fritz the Krazy Katwoman

 

From: Shawn S., Darien, IL

1) Strangers in Paradise Lost

2) Bio Booster Armor MacGuyver

3) Sin City Slickers

4) Man From Atlantis Chronicles

5) Gunsmith Cats (The Musical)

6) Box Office Poison Elves

7) Two Gun Kid Eternity

8 ) Hi and Lois Lane- Superman’s Girlfriend

9) Mister Miracle Worker

10) The Savage Dragon Ball Z

11) Lady Death of a Salesman

12) Stray Bullets Over Broadway

13) Road Warrior Nun Areala

Some of the above really wandered away from the notion of dealing with individuals (Stray Bullets Over Broadway, for instance) but they were loopy enough that I opted to include them.

From: Donald G., Springfield, VA

Team-ups

 1) Whisper & Black Belt

 2) Bullseye & The Target

 3) Deadman & Lady Death

 4) Ash & The Human Torch

 5) Solitaire & Solo

 6) Donald Duck & Howard the Duck

 7) Badrock & Concrete

 8 ) Tommy Tomorrow & the Eternal Warrior

 9) Captain Carrot & Bugs Bunny

10) Dollman & Barbie

11) Vampirella & Elvira

12) Iceman & The Melter

13) Bart Simpson & Dennis the Menace

14) Claire Voyant & Prophet

15). Ren & Stimpy & Itchy & Scratchy

16) Razor & Blade the Vampire Hunter

17) Frank Castle & The Rook

18 ) Ex-Mutants & The X-Men

19) Uncle Scrooge & Richie Rich

20) Pinocchio & Woody Woodpecker

 

The silliness continues next week.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705).

 

If It Had Been Up to Conservatives

This country would never have been founded.

The whole point of conservatism is to resist change. If liberal thinking had not prevailed in 1776, then we would still be a British colony, and instead of English we’d be speaking…

Okay. Well, yes, we’d still be speaking English. But we’d all have British accents. And as a result, all our iconic television characters, like…I dunno…Doctor Gregory House, would have to be British. Could you imagine that actor, Hugh Laurie, speaking with a British accent? Of course not.

Avoid the prospect of Hugh Laurie speaking with a British accent. Be a liberal.

PAD

Spaced Out

Originally published May 2, 1997, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1224

Note from PAD: This is a somewhat unusual entry. Covering the cancellation of Space Cases, my original draft was somewhat more scathing over the opportunities lost thanks to short-sightedness from Nickelodeon. But at the time it didn’t seem politic since we still had hopes of placing the series elsewhere and needed Nick’s cooperation to do so. So the version that saw print was somewhat toned down and more optimistic. Corey, who oversees these reprints, asked which one I wanted to be immortalized online, and I’ve decided to combine the two for the interest and edification of Space Cases fans everywhere.

*  *  *

I knew Space Cases was in trouble when we went head-to-head with the Super Bowl.

You have to understand… no one airs anything new opposite the Super Bowl. It’s like running new programming against the Oscars. You simply don’t challenge that kind of ratings vacuum.

But Nickelodeon aired our second season closer opposite the most highly-rated football game of the year. In addition to being the last new episode of the season, it also guest-starred George Takei as the show’s major villain, Warlord Shank. Takei’s presence had gotten major attention on 3rd Rock from the Sun, so if Nickelodeon had publicized it, we likely would have been able to benefit from George’s presence as well.

Nope. The show was aired with no commercial advertising. No promotion. No preview tapes were made available to any publications. And to add insult to injury: Episodes are usually repeated the following week in an earlier time slot. Not this one. It was pre-empted for a cartoon marathon. Buried, lost, forgotten. It was finally repeated some weeks later, in a new (and unadvertised) time slot, again with no promotion.

Space Cases, for those who came in late, is the tongue-in-cheek science fiction series created by Bill Mumy and myself, which has been airing for the past year on Nickelodeon. It features the adventures of a group of misfit space cadets trying to make their way home in an alien space vessel. Premiering in March of 1996, the show was moved five times in ten months, and pre-empted for weeks at a time. Furthermore, whenever Nickelodeon did annual high-profile promotions such as their “Kids Choice Awards,” “The Big Help,” or New Year’s Eve bash, Space Cases cast members were conspicuous in their absence while personnel from every other currently-in-production shows were spotlighted.

With all these positive omens, we rolled into January of 1997 having aired two seasons of thirteen episodes each. The ratings were okay, but not spectacular. This didn’t surprise us: Science fiction on television generally takes a good long while to catch on. X-Files took three seasons to really hook its audience, as did Babylon 5. And that was three seasons of twenty two episodes each.

By comparison, our air record was relatively modest (although at least we’d outlasted Hypernauts, yanked after barely half a dozen episodes had aired, pulled more for reasons of internal politics than ratings.)

During our time on the air, though, we had made some definite inroads into the fan consciousness. Attention was beginning a slow build. There were over two dozen unofficial websites about the series, and an online fan club called “Zabagabe” (named after a Saturnian chant in one episode which, in a typical Space Cases in-joke, was also the name of one of Mumy’s “Barnes & Barnes” albums) had hundreds of members and was gaining every day.

In the “real” world, we were getting more write-ups in such publications as TV Guide and, more importantly, we had been nominated for a Cable Ace Award for Best Children’s programming. (We lost to a series of HBO Concert Specials… a reflection of what voters wished kids were watching, rather than what they’re actually watching.)

In short, we were rolling. It was the sort of slow and steady build that anyone familiar with TV science fiction knows to look for.

We were supposed to hear by the end of January if we were to be renewed, but considering how our season ender was treated, I had a strong feeling that we weren’t being picked up. Nonetheless, Nickelodeon then threw us a curve by postponing the decision for six weeks, marking the day we would hear as March 15.

Well, then I knew we were toast. No one does anything on the Ides of March except beware it. As fans held their collective breaths, counting down the days on computer boards, I felt my heart sink with each progressive day.

And on March 15, Nickelodeon informed us that they were not going to be continuing the series.

I wasn’t particularly surprised. You see, the bottom line is that there are two reasons that science fiction series are desirable for networks:

1) Science fiction pulls in the demographically attractive group of 18 to 34.

2) There is a fortune to be made in ancillary merchandising such as toys, CDs, computer games, etc.

However, neither of these was pertinent to our situation. The only demographic that Nickelodeon is interested in is six-year-olds to eleven-year-olds. As for merchandising, Nickelodeon doesn’t believe there is any interest in the merchandising of live-action Nick series. There’s been some isolated stuff: A Clarissa Explains it All CD, an Are You Afraid of the Dark computer CD-ROM, but that’s about it. Nothing organized or orchestrated. I was deluged by email from fans asking where they could get Space Cases t-shirts, hats, photos and such, or a model of our show’s space vessel, the Christa, and the answer was: Nowhere. There was nothing out there at all.

The only thing Nick cared about was bottom-line ratings. And the bottom line was that we did not have the sort of staggeringly impressive ratings numbers that sate the Nielsen gods. You remember the Nielsens. It’s the ratings service that networks are now claiming isn’t, in fact, an accurate measure at all.

The most frustrating and puzzling thing to us was that we had come up with all sorts of ideas to help jack up the ratings. Now granted, the first and foremost consideration for pulling in viewers should be producing a good series. Naturally that was our first priority. But let’s face it: The TV landscape is littered with quality, cancelled programs. The brutal fact is that quality isn’t always enough. Look at Babylon 5. Hugo Award winning, acclaimed series. Yet at a recent convention, someone asked Joe Straczynski why they had guest-starred radio personality “Cousin Brucie” on an episode of B5. With characteristic bluntness, Joe had replied, “Ratings, schmuck.”

Stunts are handy things to produce, because they get your show attention. The news media hooks onto them and gives you tons of free publicity. So much so, sometimes, that people who would never sample your show in a million years tune in and, if they like what they see, they’ll stick with it.

One would have thought, on that basis, that networks would encourage and support ratings stunts. Yet, the following concepts were rejected by Nickelodeon:

1) Lost in Space Cases. The original “Robot” from Lost in Space is owned by a movie executive who is a friend of Bill Mumy’s, and the exec had a brilliant suggestion. Have the crew of the Christa meet the Robinson family and find a way to send them home once and for all. Now this would have been an unworkable undertaking if it had entailed bringing in the entire cast.

But when you get down to it, Lost in Space to most folks consists of Dr. Smith, Will Robinson, and the Robot. Well, Will Robinson–all grown up as Mumy–would have been a snap to get. The exec was going to lend us the Robot. And Jonathan Harris would very likely have been get-able. And if we’d shown a generic flying saucer-shaped ship, that would have been enough to sell the Jupiter II visual. The rest of the family was going to be in cryo-freeze tubes, unseen but talked about.

Now we weren’t actually going to use the name “Robinson.” Will Robinson would simply have been William, Doctor Smith addressed as “Doctor,” and the word “robot” is hardly TM and © of Irwin Allen. But it would have been a spectacular nudge-nudge, wink-wink. And we believed the press would have gone wild for it.

With the advent of a big-budget Lost in Space movie, this was going to be a free tie-in with a high-profile property that would have netted us tons of new viewers.

Hell, it would have been worth it just to have Dr. Smith and the Dr. Smith-esque character of Miss Davenport moan simultaneously, “Oh, the pain, the pain,” or have Thelma the android fall hopelessly in love with the Robot.

Nickelodeon said “No.” Their reasoning: Six-to-eleven year olds don’t know Lost in Space. While this alone is debatable, we pointed out that adults did, and would tune in, presumably watching with their kids. No go. The proposal never even went to script.

2) Calling Babylon 5: In an episode entitled “Long Distance Calls,” the stranded crew discovers a communications device that enables them to speak to their relatives back home and let them know they’re okay. We had half the cast of Babylon 5 lined up for cameos. All it would have required would have been the cost of a second-unit crew filming the cameos in Los Angeles, as we had done for the guest appearances by Mumy and Mark Hamill during the first season. Again, it seemed like a sure thing. B5 has gotten tons of publicity lately, as the series which many had dismissed as a Deep Space Nine rip off is now being hailed as one of the best shows on television, being endorsed by everyone from Howard Stern to Dilbert.

Nickelodeon said “No.” They didn’t feel B5 had sufficient wide appeal to make it worth going to the extra money or effort. In fact, “Long Distance Calls” wound up being a peon to cost cutting as we wound up saving money by casting production personnel, including–God help us–me.

3) Weirder and Weirder: We had the script written. We had him all ready to come to Montreal (where the series was shot) because he’s a friend of Mumy’s and, besides, he has friends in Montreal.

Who, you may ask?

“Weird Al” Yankovic.

We had an episode entitled “It’s My Birthday Too (Yeah)!” in which Al was going to play an accordion-playing alien hologram who would rampage throughout the ship, playing the Space Cases theme song at polka time.

Nickelodeon said “No.” The reasoning: “Weird Al” isn’t all that popular, and has no following among kids. The same month that the rewritten, Al-less episode aired, Al’s latest album debuted at #14 and went platinum within three months. It remains on the Billboard Top 200 even now, and CBS has given him a Saturday morning series in the vein of Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Not bad for an unpopular performer with no following among kids.

It’s frustrating enough to do everything you can and get your series cancelled. But to know that you could have done more and still get cancelled is even worse.

However, there’s no downplaying the impact that the series has had on my life. First and foremost, I’ve had the privilege of working with Bill on creating the show and writing the scripts. We worked together on scripts in every imaginable way: Sometimes he did the first pass on the script, sometimes I did, sometimes we each wrote half the script. On one memorable occasion, we were working on two different scripts seated across from each other and, every so often, we’d switch. (Since we were working off detailed scene-by-scene outlines, it was easy enough for one of us to pick up where the other stopped.) And the show’s producer, Susan Dietz, helped ramrod much of our vision through.

I was at all the casting sessions and I think we put together a great gang: Kristian (Radu) Ayre, Rahi (Bova) Azizi, Paul (Commander Goddard) Boretski, Paige (Rosie) Christina, Becky (Suzee) Herbst, Walter (Harlan) Jones, Cary (Davenport) Lawrence, Anik (Thelma) Matern, and Jewel (Catalina) Staite (who had to leave us after the first season, since she was contractually obligated to do a series for Disney called Flash Forward). And our sort of unofficial 10th cast member, Marcel Jeannin. Marcel, an incredibly versatile actor, was in our original, unaired pilot and became a sort of one-man rep company, appearing in four episodes in various guises. If anyone out there is putting together a convention and wants some terrific guests—guests who, by and large, are genuine science-fiction and/or comic-book fans and will appeal to kids as well as adults—get word to me and I’ll get word to them.

Nor will I forget filming in Montreal. I’ll never forget when people learned I’d be spending the entire winter up there. How they pitied me. So there I was in Montreal, and, in the meantime, New York got hit with the mother of all winters. It was like a thousand feet of snow. And in Montreal—not much of anything.

The fans have been and continue to be terrific. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to see how so many people have embraced the series, the characters, and the Space Cases universe—and don’t want it to end. And who knows? I mean, heck, if series ranging from Star Trek to The Jeff Foxworthy Show can be brought back, why not us?

The show gave me my nationwide acting debut, when I had a cameo playing Bova’s father in one episode. If nothing else, it convinced me that I shouldn’t quit my day job.

And I guess, most of all, I’m pleased for the opportunity the show gave my kids. They would come up, sometimes for a week at a time, and got along great with the cast. Gwen was an extra in one episode called “King of the Hill,” while Shana did a full-blown guest stint in our final episode, appearing as a computer entity named Pezu. Five-year-old Ariel didn’t get her own guest shot. She simply watched. The show had no greater fan. There was one time where she marched up to a kid on a playground and said, out of the blue, “Hi, I’m Ariel. My daddy does Space Cases. Do you watch Space Cases? It’s about some children out in space. It’s on Nickelodeon.” She just kept chatting for five minutes, as the other child stared at her in confusion, having no idea where this kid came from or what she was talking about.

Ariel was there for the last days of filming.

(As was Shana. Both of them can be seen in the lower left of this cast and crew photo, Shana in blue face makeup and Ariel holding a little doll of Bova.) She did nothing except watch the show being made, hour after hour. I thought she’d be bored out of her mind, but I couldn’t pry her from the soundstage. She seemed to be taking in everything. Just how much, though, I hadn’t quite suspected until just yesterday.

I was running Return of the Jedi for her, and she was watching the scene in the swamps of Dagobah wherein a glowing Obi-Wan Kenobi walks up to Luke Skywalker. And Ariel turned to me and said, “Daddy?”

Clearly she had a question. I figured there was some plot point that was confusing to her. She is, after all, only 5 (well, 5 and a half). I said, “Yes, honey?”

And she gave me a serious, thoughtful look and said, “Did they shoot Obi-Wan against a green screen?”

And if you don’t know what that means, I can send Ariel over to explain it to you.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. Latest weird Star Wars change: in Return of the Jedi, when Han Solo is hanging upside down from the skiff as Lando is about to be dragged into the Saarlac pit, the supposedly blind Solo shouted, “’Trust me!” and shot the creature’s tentacle, releasing Lando. But in the “Special Edition,” I could swear I heard additional dialogue with Han shouting something like, “I can see better now!” First Han lets Greedo shoot first and then he has to explain himself to Lando. Weird.)

 

Well, that’s proof enough for me

It appears that Trayvon Martin, being stalked by an armed vigilante acting in opposition to direct instructions from a 9-1-1 operator, fought for his life against his attacker and managed to do some damage before his assailant gunned him down. We know this because there’s photographic evidence that his assailant was banged up.

By all means, that’s proof enough for me. Obviously his murderer should be released, because if Martin had really wanted to live, he wouldn’t have put up a fight against an armed stalker who came at him from the darkness. In our current society where common sense has become an oxymoron, who wouldn’t understand that?

PAD